Wednesday, November 16, 2005

Mr. 3000 - Greg Weeser*

***This is a fake biography. It is purely satirical and devoid of truth. Any names, places, events, etc. discussed in the following biography are not real and are purely coincidental to and have no connection whatsoever to any names, places, events, etc. that may exist in the real world.***

*Real name changed at request of Mr. Weeser

The day was February 2, 1978. Tomas and Maria Weeser, a young married couple of Paraguayan and German descent, shared a quiet vigil in their St. Louis apartment. Tomas, with his Virginia Squires' George Gervin jersey, and Maria, wearing her Kentucky Colonels' Artis Gilmore jersey, honored the 11th anniversary of the founding of the defunct American Basketball Association with a hearty helping of Maria's famous Red, White & Blue Stew (chunks of beef, potatos, and bleu cheese in a tomato base). Even though the ABA merged with the NBA a couple years earlier, and even though Punxutawney Phil saw his own shadow, nothing could possibly have ruined their day.

After all, Maria was ready to give birth to their first child. It seemed like just yesterday that a chance encounter with a bottle of Wild Turkey and several ounces of hash lead to Maria's pregnancy. Once the last of the stew was finished, and Tomas put the dishes in the sink and finger-rolled the napkins into the trash, they headed for the hospital, where they would welcome into the world Gregor Johann Weeser, named after Tomas's Bavarian-born father.

Tomas had dreamed of this day since he proposed to Maria several years earlier in front of the birthplace of Jose Gaspar Rodriguez de Francia y Velasco in their hometown of Yaguaron. After a traditional Catholic wedding, the couple made the long and arduous journey to St. Louis by burro. Tomas was the darling of Paraguay's horticulture circle, and he had made a name for himself at a young age by inventing a new hydrid of grass. His exploits had not gone unnoticed. After an article highlighting his achievements was published in Hierba y Maleza, Paraguay's largest horticulture magazine, the St. Louis Cardinals football team sent a representative to Yaguaron to court Tomas. Prior to the 1976 season, Tomas was officially their head groundskeeper.

Greg's birth brought changes for the Weesers. No longer could Tomas stay out all night with his buddies from work. He even had to quit the band they formed, The Grasshoppers, who played an odd combination of acid jazz and latin-influenced punk. Maria also had to make changes to accommodate Greg. She had to quit her job as an auctioneer, and she had to tone down her favorite pastime: mechanical bull riding.

Tomas and Maria grew to love being parents, and had two more boys, Daniel Alejandro, or "Dan" (born in 1980), and Timothy Joaquin, or "Tim" (born in late 1981).

At a young age, Greg displayed ultraviolent tendencies. As cool as an arctic wind, his mood never showed signs of change before an episode. Interestingly, though, Greg showed these tendencies only when he felt threatened or when someone else was in danger. At age 2, Greg staved off an attack by a neighbor's pitbull, shattering the dog's larynx with a well-timed punch to the jugular. At 4, he and Maria (with Dan in stroller) were in The Hill, walking to an Italian restaurant, when a local hoodlum tried to take Dan. Greg's reaction was swift and just: he broke the man's arms off and beat him to death with the bloody stumps.

When he was 5, a violent mistake forced the Weesers to leave St. Louis and forced Greg to rethink his station in life. On July 25, 1983, Bill Bidwill, the Cardinals' owner and a huge fan of the Bay Area thrash metal scene, hosted a gala event for all of his employees in honor of the release of Metallica's "Kill 'Em All" album. As Tomas would later explain, the title of the album was all too apt: "We were at Mr. Bidwill's mansion listening to Metallica's debut album, which Bidwill had helped finance. Ottis Anderson and Dan Dierdorf were hammered. And I mean hammered. They had been doing shots of Cuervo like they played for a playoff team. Meanwhile Neil Lomax is playing with Greg and Dan over by Mr. Bidwill's koi pond. Dierdorf decides he's gotta take a leak, and stumbles over to the pond. Right around the point in 'Phantom Lord' where it goes 'the deafening sound of metal nears,' Greg sees Dierdorf whip his manhood out. I don't know if Greg thought he was going to stick it in Neil's ear or what, but I'll never forget what happened next."

What happened next was that Greg yelled, "Duck, Mr. Lomax!" and ran full speed into Dierdorf's knees. As Dierdorf hit the ground, Greg grabbed a kohaku and a bekko from the pond and reigned blows upon Dierdorf's head until he was unconscious. To this day, Dierdorf is unable to eat fish. The headline of the next day's Post-Dispatch read, "Fish Attack by Kindergartener Puts Dierdorf Within Inches of His Life." Dierdorf never played football again. Tomas was fired the next day. Bidwill cites the incident as one of the reasons he ultimately had to move the team to Phoenix. As Bidwill recalls, "Dan Dierdorf had been the face of St. Louis Cardinals football for so many years, and now that face was swollen and disfigured. I didn't stand a chance of getting a new stadium deal in St. Louis after that kid pummeled Dierdorf."

In the weeks following the incident, the Weesers became pariahs in St. Louis and Greg was demonized by the local media. He fell into a deep depression. Tomas begrudginly made the decision to move to the suburbs of Chicago before Greg started school. Luckily for Greg, the Cardinals were virtually unknown to anyone outside the city limits of St. Louis, so the word of Greg's attack had not reached across the Mississippi, much less to Chicago.

The Weesers moved to LaGrange just days before Greg began kindergarten at Cossitt Elementary School. Wanting to make sure their past would not catch up with them in LaGrange, Tomas and Maria changed their names to Tom and Mary, respectively.

It turned out that the structure of school was exactly what Greg needed. He excelled in the classroom, earning more gold stars in his first two years at Cossitt than any other student in his grade. In the gymnasium, under the watchful eye of Tony Miglieri, Greg would develop into a better-than-average rope climber, a solid floor hockey player, and a superb Car Lot player.

But calling out "Ford" and "Jaguar" could only do so much for Greg's manic inner drive. He needed more action and excitement in his life. In early 1988, his prayers would be answered. Three gangs formed amongst Greg's 4th grade class. The first was the Beans, founded by the wiry ideologue Jeremy "Bean" DeMuth and the highly unstable Greg Bohmann, who went by his street name, Joey Bates, and had a penchant for using various types of tape to harm his victims. The Beans were known as the most cerebral of the gangs, styling their battle tactics after those of El Salvador's FMLN. The second gang, the Pythons, was more brutish. Led by future petty thief Dave Koopman and school funnyman Eric Busch, the name of the Pythons' game was intimidation. The third gang, the Unicorns, was the all-female gang, founded by the surprisingly garish Angelica Tsakiridis and Jessica Weber, a towering Amazonian type who wasn't afraid to pull hair or kick balls.

Greg chose to join both gangs, rising through the ranks quickly and mercilessly. At one point in time, he was 3rd-rank in the Beans and 5th-rank in the Pythons. Soon after the gangs formed, it became abundantly clear that the vast majority of the members of the Beans were also members of the Pythons, and vice versa. A planned afterschool meeting on March 23, 1988 between DeMuth, Bohmann, Koopman, and Busch at the bike racks led to the historic Bean-Python Alliance, a one-page agreement by which the Beans and the Pythons agreed to fight along side each other against their common foe, the Unicorns.

Greg and Weber developed an intense hatred toward each other. Name calling in the hallways, the occasional extra shove during gym class, and the use of the other as the villain in stories in reading class led to tensions between Greg and Jessica beginning to simmer.

That simmer would turn into a rolling boil on December 6, 1988. On the walk home from school, Greg, still stunned by the death of Roy Orbison, let his guard down and made the mistake of walking home alone. As he trudged down Madison toward Elm, several Unicorns were waiting in the wings at Erin McClellan's house to ambush Greg as he passed. In addition to Weber and McClellan, the toughest Unicorns, "The Three Kates," were there: Kate Speiser, a spectacled girl whose patented "Trapper Keeper Surprise" move evoked fear in the hearts of many Beans and Pythons, Kate Wimbush, a tall and punishing blonde whose fists drew blood and whose looks inspired the Jeff Dalsin song "I Love You, You Know I Do," and Kate Laswell, who was known around town as "the meanest girl in the history of LaGrange."

Greg walked, head down, kicking a rock, but making sure not to step on any of the cracks between the sidewalks. Before he got to Elm, the Unicorns made their move, surrounding Greg. He recounted the event in a 1992 interview with La Nacion: "Jessica Weber emerged from the circle and pushed me. I said, 'hey I don't want any trouble.' Laswell just started laughing and said, 'whether you want it or not, you got it.' By this time, Speiser had knelt down behind me, and Weber just pushed me over Speiser. I felt like I was being backed into a corner and I knew what happened with I got defensive, so I pleaded with them: 'Don't make me do this.' But they started pulling my hair and giving me white washes with the snow. That's when I just snapped."

With blind rage taking over, Greg is uncertain what happened next. What is certain is the outcome. In total, there were 43 broken bones, 5 hospital stays, 3 comas, and 1 broken Trapper Keeper. Weber suffered the worst of it. Neighbor Anne Myers saw the whole thing while she was walking down the street: "I noticed that Greg was being attacked by a group of girls. I didn't think much of it, but then they started to white wash him. What I saw next was unlike anything I've seen before or since. First, he grabbed the heads of the McClellan girl and Kate Speiser and knocked them together really hard, and they fell down on either side of him. Before they could come to his senses, he had ripped Speiser's jugular out of her throat and broken McClellan's nose. Then he popped up from his back right onto his feet and looked around kind of like Jean-Claude Van Damme in Bloodsport. Laswell came at him first, but he punched her straight in the gut, then kicked her in the mouth while she was doubled over. While she was still reeling, he kicked her so hard in the thigh that her femur snapped and broke through the skin. He then immediately went for Katie Wimbush. She didn't stand a chance. Greg swept her leg, and before she hit the ground, he grabbed both of her arms and separated both of her shoulders. For good measure, he punched her in the ribs a couple times, puncturing her lungs. I actually saw him lift Jessica Weber off the ground and break her back over his knee. It was over a year before she could walk again. All of this happened within the span of 45 seconds or so before I could even get there to stop him."

By the time Myers had arrived, Greg was sitting in blood-soaked snow, still unsure of what he had just done, mumbling "I told them not to make me do it" over and over again to himself. The police arrived soon after, but did not press charges due to Greg's age, and Myers's statement that it was in self-defense.

Rather than get angry, Tom and Mary decided that Greg had a special talent and that he needed to harness it. They put Greg on the first flight to Asuncion to train with Ryu Gracie, cousin of Brazil's first family of jiu-jitsu. Ryu had come to Paraguay just a year earlier after nearly killing his cousin Royce in what was supposed to be a friendly sparring match. After the match, Ryu's uncle Helio, the patriarch of Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu, essentially cast Ryu from Brazil. Once in Asuncion, Ryu set up his own dojo, Ryu Kodokan, and formed his own variety of jiu-jitsu, Ryu-Jitsu, more commonly known as Paraguayan Jiu-Jitsu. Ryu's form of jiu-jitsu was very similar to that of his family's back in Brazil: mostly grappling, submission moves, joint locks, leverage, and making the right move at the right time. Paraguayan Jiu-Jitsu, however, is far dirtier than its Brazilian counterpart. Tap-outs are discouraged, while eye gouging, head butting, and cock punching are encouraged.

Under Ryu's guidance, Greg rose through the Junior Ultimate Fighting Championship (JUFC) ranks. On his way to becoming JUFC champion, he defeated the sons of shoot fighters Ken Shamrock and Dan Severn, savateur Gerard Gordeau's son, and pit fighter Tank Abbott's son. He was 16 years old and on top of the world.

Ryu, too, was gaining international acclaim for Paraguayan Jiu-Jitsu, much to the chagrin of Helio and the rest of the Gracie family, who viewed Ryu-Jitsu as a bastardization of Gracie Jiu-Jitsu and Ryu as a traitor to the family. On April 12, 1994, a rainy night in Asuncion, Greg was eating dinner in his rundown apartment near the Plaza Uruguaya when he heard a knock at the door. It was none other than Ryu's cousin, Rickson. He offered Greg a simple proposition: in exchange for $100,000 USD, kill Ryu, flee the country, and never fight again. Nearly all the money Greg had earned to that point had gone to Ryu and the Ryu Kodokan.

Desperate to make a living, and growing more tired of Ryu's demands, Greg agreed, but only on one condition: it had to look like it was an accident. Rickson agreed. Less than a month later, in what was being billed by ABC Color and Ultima Hora as the Greatest Night in Paraguayan Jiu-Jitsu History, Greg and Ryu staged what translated to a "Master vs. Student Fight for the Ages" in front of 75,000 spectators at the newly built Estadio Ryu in the center of Asuncion. It was to be a chance for Ryu to showcase his form of jiu-jitsu to the rest of South America. Little did he know, it would be his only chance.

About 10 minutes into the match, Greg made his move. While performing a routine arm bar on Ryu, on the turn, Greg pushed hard enough on Ryu's chest to puncture a lung, and then when he had the arm firmly secured, Greg snapped it so hard that it caused several bone spurs to puncture Ryu's heart. Before Ryu faded into the light, Greg leaned over him and whispered, "Lo siento sensai. Voy a verte en cielo," to which Ryu replied, "Perdonote, Greg, perdonote."

Disgusted with himself, Greg flew back to Chicago the next morning. He would finish high school in LaGrange, at Lyons Township. Upon graduation, using the money he earned by killing the man who did nothing but give him opportunities beyond his wildest dreams, Greg enrolled at New York University, where he would major in film studies.

The blood money Greg had earned, however, was barely enough to pay for tuition. While in Greenwich Village, Greg needed a way to make ends meet. On February 24, 1997, after a night of heavy drinking and mild ether consumption with his heterosexual friend, Steve "Boom Boom" Horowitz, the two of them devised a plan for a band that could only do well in New York City: Even the Nights are Deader, a punk tribute to Air Supply. They would play only Air Supply songs, but using only 3 chords.

Greg (drums and lead vocals) and Steve (guitar and triangle) practiced day and night for over six months, refining their sound and embracing the entire Air Supply catalog. On August 30, 1997, the made their stage debut before a packed house at Joe's Pub on Lafayette Street. The Village Voice had this to say about the show: "The most retarded infant in the history of the world could not have come up with a worse possible idea for a band. Repeatedly stabbing yourself in the ears with rusty, HIV-infected syringes while having your genitals kicked by Pele and your anus probed by a metal mace would actually be more pleasurable than listening to Even the Nights are Deader for 15 seconds."

Greg was devastated. "I thought we nailed it," he recalled, "I mean, come on, did they not hear our version of 'Makin' Love Out of Nothing at All'? We rocked it like it's never been rocked before." As hard as Greg took it, Steve took it even harder, dropping out of school to join Ringling Brothers Barnum & Bailey Circus as a sad clown. After their first show, Even the Nights are Deader was deader than an October 1888 London hooker.

Meanwhile, Greg had began to excel in the classroom. His professors enjoyed both his skill behind a camera and in the editing room and his seemingly happy-go-lucky attitude. But underneath that glowing exterior was a man struggling to make tuition and rent payments. He worked a series of odd jobs: waiter, bell boy, longshoreman, and short-order cook. Then, on Febraury 8, 1999, he finally figured out a way to make money while using his burgeoning film-making talents.

That night, Greg, still celebrating his recent 21st birthday, returned from a night of heavy drinking with a young lady he knew only as Dana. She was a freshman at Cooper Union, hailing from Iowa, Idaho, or Ohio. Somehow she got into the bars that night, and Greg charmed the pants off of her, both literally and figuratively. With both naked and touching each other's private parts on the floor of Greg's apartment, all seemed to be going well, that is, until Greg gave her "the tap," a move often used by college-age men to signal their desire for their counterpart to perform oral sex on them. Dana, however, did not oblige, explaining that she "didn't do that," and that she wasn't going to have sex with anyone until marriage.

By the time Greg had thrown her clothes into the hallway and shoved her out the door, his testicles ached to the point where it was uncomfortable to walk. His fears were confirmed when he went to the bathroom: he had blue balls. While lying on his bathroom floor in the fetal position, the excruciating pain Greg was experiencing gave him an idea: hard core porn with no sexual intercourse (oral or traditional) marketed toward prudish college students. Greasy Finger Productions was born.

Using other college students, who were willing to work for little (and sometimes no) pay, Greg made his first two movies, "Digital Penetration" and "Digital Penetration 2: The Return of Funny Fingers," in one night. He used a local video production store to make several hundred copies. Word of Greasy Fingers spread like wildfire around the local colleges. Nearly every college student could afford the $5 per tape price. Greg followed those up with a mildly successful run of other films: "Heavy Petting," the "Hand Job Harriet" series, "Touch and Go," "Fondling Joey," and the "Blue Balls" series (which was surprisingly popular among females).

After graduation, Greg sold Greasy Fingers for an undisclosed amount to Trinity Tricks Productions, a Christian film production company dedicated to producing porn films that promote abstinence and waiting until marriage to have sex. Greg now lives in Los Angeles, and is working his way up the movie production ladder. He has done work for recent hit movies, The Fog and Domino, although ironically, he did not work on 2004's surprise blockbuster comedy, Mr. 3000. In addition to his film work, Greg runs a successful online t-shirt company. Weez Teez makes irreverent t-shirts for today's apathetic 20-somthings looking to convey sardonic angst on their chests. Popular sellers are, for females, "Pro-Choice and Easy" (with a picture of a coat hanger), "Dirtier Than Your Girlfriend," "Elephant by Day, Donkey by Night," and "I [heart] Football and Sex," and for men, "Man Seeking Woman: Must Love Blumpkins" (with a picture of a toilet), "Cobra Commander is a Fag" (with a picture of Duke punching Cobra Commander), "I Believe It's Pronounced 'Ma-nazh-ah-twah'," and "Condoms are for Sailors."

To top it all off, in early November 2005, Greg became the 3000th visitor to the hilarious up-and-coming blog, Give Me Your Handrew. What's next for this 27-year-old former fighter turned filmmaker? "Please stop following me," says Greg, as he sips a latte at the Starbucks at the corner of Sunset and Mohawk. But one thing is for sure: Before it's all said and done, Greg Weeser will leave his mark on the world.

8 comments:

Anonymous said...

Andrew you are insane......



M. Spring

GMYH said...

Insane like a fox.

Jeff said...

That other guy
He don't love you
Half as much as
You know I do
I........love you
You know I do
I.......love you
Please say you love me too

Anonymous said...

You left out the mysterious spree of grand marquis sightings where the car was seen speeding away in the stillness of night only to leave behind a paralyzing plume of carbon monoxide and a neatly assembled assortment of garbage in the lawns of La Grange. TERRIFYING! This omission shall prove to be a mistake.

Annie said...

You also left out the disturbing love affair sparked in the armegeddon-esque showdown on the day the P-B alliance swept the ranks of the Unicorn battalions. It might have happened as the emergency medical technicians (EMTs) cut her free of her Guess(tm) jeans Kate Laswell, aka tallest baddest most stylish girl the Cossitt Tigers had ever seen, but Mr. Weeser was inexorably captured in a trance so powerful it would be another ten years and another freakishly tall, big-haired Siren going by the initials BV, and daily bouts with a Cilice he hand crafted in Mr. Granger's shop class to break him of the KL habit.

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