Thursday, December 20, 2012

Ping Pong Paul Party

I'm going to be returning videotapes until Wednesday, so you'll need some things to keep you busy.  I will provide you with those things.

First, some dickhole state representative in Texas made the bold -- and highly unsupported -- comment that ping pongs are deadlier than guns.  Needless to say, I will now be carrying a ping pong paddle and a high-capacity ping pong ball bag wherever I go, to protect myself from the impending rash of mass ping ponging.

Second, check out this link with the 25 funniest autocorrects of the year (thanks to Gregerson for the link).  I was laughing out loud at some of these.  The beauty about autocorrect is that uncommon words that are autocorrected are usually words that the person has typed several times before.  For instance, when I type "motorh," it autocorrects to "Motörhead," umlauts included, since I typed that a few times.  Keep that in mind with some of the words that were autocorrected.

Third, click here to see a clip from A Very Special Christmas Party, a 1988 holiday special starring Arnold Schwarzenegger, Mike Tyson, Danny DeVito, some other celebs, an old lady who bowls, and a bunch of mentally disabled children.  First, there's some awkward conversation where a man who was eventually elected Governor of California tells kids that, in Austria, the devil came on Christmas to scold you about getting bad grades.  Then everyone breaks into song.  It's a lot like most people's Christmases in the '80s.  Thanks to Bonham for the link.  If you don't want to bother clicking on the link for background on the Very Special Christmas Party.

Fourth, you may be aware that, at the 12/12/12 Sandy Relief concert, Paul McCartney fronted what's left of Nirvana on a new track called "Cut Me Some Slack" that will be on the soundtrack of Dave Grohl's as-yet-unreleased documentary on Sound City Studios.  They also performed it on Saturday Night Live last week.  Click here to check out the clip of the SNL performance.  It's pretty badass.  Sir Paul still has it.  Krist Novoselic pulls off a renaissance hobo meets Garth Hudson look quite well.  Thanks to Bonham for this link, too.

Fifth, Merry Christmas, Happy Kwanzaa, and Happy Boxing Day.  I hope the devil doesn't visit you and give you shit about anything.

Wednesday, December 19, 2012

Retro Video of the Week: "Christmas in Hollis" by Run-D.M.C.

I like that, when Run finds Santa's wallet with a million dollars in it, he dreams of buying a giant yacht and a mid-size American-made sedan.  Don't want to be too opulent.

Tuesday, December 18, 2012

PU, Indeed

I've always believed Purdue University sucks ass.  In the past few years, there has been mounting evidence to suggest that, not only am I right, but Purdue also has a fascination with that which the ass pushes out.  That's right, Purdue has acute fecalphelia.  First, there was the story about how Purdue students sniff manure for $30.  Second, there was the story about how West Lafayette -- the kind of fetid, post-apocalyptic wasteland not even Cormac McCarthy would put in his novels -- bought a giant fan to ward off the stench of human waste, presumably coming from the only university in town with an animal husbandry emphasis.  

What's that idiom?  One is an example, two is a coincidence, but three is a trend?  Well now, there is a wonderfully strange and hilarious story involving a Purdue grad named Gregg Greaves who was, presumably until recently, gainfully employed at Pepsi, presumably as an engineer of some sort (since that's what these mongrels generally are).  If the accounts of eyewitnesses can be believed, Mr. Greaves was in the bathroom at a Purdue bar here in Chicago called Red Ivy (which sucks, by the way) when he broke a beer bottle and attacked a fellow patron, stabbing the guy in the neck a few times.  That's when things took a turn for the bizarre.  He was arrested and then taken to jail, where he refused to wear pants and then shit in his own hands and threw it on the floor.  Here are links to the Chicago Tribune and Busted Coverage articles about the incident (thanks to Pissed Off for the links).  The best part is that Mr. Greaves's lawyer had the balls to say, "All I've got to tell you is there's two sides to it."  Perhaps he meant "number two," with a wink and a nod.

Thursday, December 13, 2012

Midwestern Eavesdropping

Telephone call between man in Indianapolis and UPS customer service representative:
Man: "The tracking info says UPS made a third delivery attempt yesterday at 1:30pm.  Instead of sending it to the local UPS center, it says that you immediately shipped the package back to the sender and now it's in Kankakee, Illinois on its way back to Fort Collins, Colorado."
UPS:  "Yes."
Man:  "Well, why wouldn't you send it to the local station where I could pick it up?  It's a Christmas gift with an engraved name on it.  I doubt the seller will have much use for it."
UPS:  "We tried to deliver it three times."
Man:  "I realize that, but you only deliver on weekdays and I kind of doubt that I'm the first person in UPS history who works during the day and can't be at home to sign for a package."
UPS:  "We tried to deliver it three times."
Man:  "So what your saying is that no one should ever use UPS if they have a job that requires them to be at work during the day?"
UPS:  "Correct."
Eavesdropper:  Rockport

Wednesday, December 12, 2012

Retro Video of the Week: "Last Christmas" by Wham!

Back in the mid '80s, it was not unusual for a racially and ethnically diverse group of fashionable twentysomethings to spend Christmas together, without their families, in a mountainside cabin, spending their days skiing, having foppish snowball fights, and decorating perhaps the most pathetic looking Christmas tree ever seen, while spending their nights drinking wine, talking about each others' earrings, and thinking longingly of the previous Christmas, when a closeted Cypriot man gave a woman with a perm his heart.  And a broach he got on sale at Zales.

Tuesday, December 11, 2012

Tuesday Top Ten: College Football Coaches' Contract Quirks

With the end of college football's regular season, tis the season for coaching changes.  I recently came across an article entitled "College Football Coaches' Contract Quirks," detailing ten college football coaches' allegedly quirky contract clauses.  There's nothing Van Halen-esque in there, but it is interesting what coaches work into their contracts, be it cars, country club memberships, incentives for nationally televised wins, or paid travel for family members.  LSU's Les Miles isn't on the list, but I had heard that he had some clause in his contract stating that he would always be paid at least $1 more per year than the head coach at Michigan.  Also no mention of whether Bobby Petrino's new contract at Western Kentucky includes a clause providing access to motorcycles and younger female co-workers' vaginas.

Saturday, December 08, 2012

Midwestern Eavesdropping

40-something guy on bus in non-rural area: "If you're just trying to put food on the table, there's nothing wrong with squirrel."
--Chicago, #76 Diversey bus
Eavesdropper: Gregerson

Thursday, December 06, 2012


Daughter has penchant for naming inanimate objects.  First, it was a plastic horse she named Tina.  Fine.  Horses have names.  I would have gone with Glue Factory myself, but I think the humor would have been lost on Daughter.  Then a few months ago, she named our bike pump Spot.  Still not sure why she went with Spot or felt the need to name a bike pump, but who am I to stifle a two-year-old's imagination?  When I was her age, I had an imaginary friend named Jill that was a boy, or so my mom tells me.  Last Sunday, we brought something home that Daughter named Tonya.  This is Tonya:
Our Christmas tree is named Tonya.  With a plastic horse named Tina and a Christmas Tree named Tonya, the next logical step is a wagon named Tammi, a door named Tiffany, and shoes named Tara and Tracy.

Wednesday, December 05, 2012

Retro Video of the Week: "I Would Do Anything for Love (But I Won't Do That)" by Meat Loaf

In a rare epic, bombastic song with heavy use of the piano written by Jim Steinman, Meat Loaf had his first #1 song, the best-selling single of 1993, and a Grammy winning song with "I Would Do Anything for Love (But I Won't Do That)."  The "that" in the title, of course, has been subject to debate and intrigue, but if you listen to the lyrics, there are six things he says he won't do:  forget how this chick feels right now (presumably sexually speaking), forgive himself if he doesn't bang this chick right now, bang any other chick better than he bangs this chick, stop dreaming of this chick, dump this chick, or screw around, neither sooner nor later.  If it was me, "that" would probably mean one thing:  felching.  Ladies, that's a deal breaker.

Tuesday, December 04, 2012

Tuesday Top Ten: Ultimate Holiday Party Playlist

Back in 2008, when I was spry and unpredictable, I posted my Top Ten Favorite Holiday Songs.  Last year, I came to the conclusion that my top ten list provided little benefit to those of you having holiday parties, other than being given the opportunity to read the brilliant ravings of a naked man on peyote, so I posted my "Ultimate Holiday Playlist," which included 34 songs for you play at your respective parties. 

Music is important to me, and the right or wrong holiday music can make or break a holiday party.  Every year I discover a few more holiday songs, so this list will be longer than last year's 34 songs.  Plus, now that is defunct and I have switched my embedding loyalties to Grooveshark, many more songs are available and embedded below. 

Like last year, this list is geared towards parties, so I tried to keep some slower classic songs off the list (i.e., "The Christmas Song" by Nat King Cole (or anyone else), Bing Crosby's version of "White Christmas," "Baby, It's Cold Outside," "Christmas Time" by Ray Charles, "Silent Night").  And like last year, I also assume your party goers aren't children, so I didn't include "Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer" or "Nuttin' For Christmas."  Unlike last year, I included multiple versions of the same song, since there are often several worthy renditions of the same song.  As you might expect, it's heavy on songs from the greatest Christmas album of all-time, 1963's A Christmas Gift for You from Phil Spector.  I've sung its praises before, and by God, I'll continue to sing its praises.

So, here are my top ten ultimate holiday party songs, with the rest in "Honorable Mention," and everything in the embedded in the Grooveshark widget below, so that you can hit shuffle at your party, tell everyone to put their keys in the bowl by the door, and get your holiday freak on.

Honorable mention (in alphabetical order by song title):
"Back Door Santa" by Clarence Carter
"The Bells of St. Mary" by Bob B. Soxx & The Blue Jeans
"Blue Christmas" by Elvis Presley
"The Chipmunk Song (Please Christmas Don't Be Late)" by The Chipmunks
"Christmas All Over Again" by Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers
"Christmas In Hollis" by Run-D.M.C.
"Do They Know It's Christmas?" by Band Aid
"(Everybody's Waiting For) The Man With the Bag" by Kay Starr
"Everyday Will Be Like a Holiday" by William Bell
"Frosty the Snowman" by The Ronettes
"Here Comes Santa Claus" by Bob B. Soxx & The Blue Jeans
"I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus" by The Jackson 5
"Jingle Bells" by Smokey Robinson & The Miracles
"Last Christmas" by Wham!
"Little Saint Nick" by The Beach Boys
"Mele Kalikimaka" by Bing Crosby
"Merry Christmas Baby" by Lou Rawls
"Merry Christmas, Baby" by The Beach Boys
"A Party for Santa Claus" by Lord Nelson
"Peace on Earth/Little Drummer Boy" by Bing Crosby and David Bowie
"Please Come Home For Christmas" by Charles Brown
"Rock and Roll Christmas" by George Thorogood & The Destroyers
"Rock-a-Billy Christmas" by Big Bad Voodoo Daddy
"Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" by The Crystals
"Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" by The Temptations
"Run Rudolph Run" by Lemmy Kilmister
"Santa Claus is Comin' to Town" by The Crystals
"Santa's Beard" by The Beach Boys
"White Christmas" by Darlene Love
"White Christmas" by The Drifters
"White Christmas" by Otis Redding
"Winter Wonderland" by Darlene Love
"'Zat You Santa Claus?" by Louis Armstrong & The Commanders

10. "Jingle Bells" by Wayne Newton
9.  "Jingle Bell Rock" by Bobby Helms
8. "What Christmas Means to Me" by Stevie Wonder
7. "Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree" by Brenda Lee
6. "Run Rudolph Run" by Chuck Berry
5. "The Chanukah Song" by Adam Sandler
4. "Sleigh Ride" by The Ronette
3. "All I Want for Christmas is You" by Mariah Carey
2. "Santa Claus is Comin' to Town" by Bruce Springsteen
1. "Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)" by Darlene Love

Ultimate Holiday Playlist by GMYH on Grooveshark

Monday, December 03, 2012


Several years ago, I ran into a problematic phenomenon I referred to as "fecal phantomism," whereby I would be dropping a deuce at work, someone would come into another stall, take a shit and wipe in under a minute and then leave, often without washing his hands.  It was a concern.  It's been years since I've had any work-related problems with feces, which has affected my life in a positive manner.  This morning, there were two incidents that I hope are not indicative of a new breed of fecal phantoms.  In our work bathroom, there are four stalls.  The first one is a handicapped stall, which I don't use because I don't want to be the able-bodied asshole who causes a guy in a wheelchair to shit himself.  The fourth stall was occupied, so I walked into the second stall, where I encountered shit streaks on the toilet seat.  First, I'm not sure how one gets poop on the top of the toilet seat, much less in streaks.  Second, I can't remember a time when I've ever just got up from the toilet without at least glancing at the toilet before leaving the stall.  The guy obviously flushed, so he must have seen it.  If I noticed that my effluence was smattered on a toilet seat, public or private, I would clean it up.  After saying "are you skullfucking me?" a little too audibly, I went to the third stall, even though it meant breaking the traditional "one stall in between" rule.  Shortly thereafter, the dude in the fourth stall flushes, gets up, and speed walks out of the bathroom without washing his hands.  This is a concern.

New Book: Dream Team: How Michael, Magic, Larry, Charles, and the Greatest Team of All Time Conquered the World and Changed the Game of Basketball Forever by Jack McCallum

I finished reading Perfume: The Story of a Murderer by Patrick Süskind a few weeks ago.  It was pretty good.  It was about an 18th Century French orphan with extraordinary olfactory powers and, oddly enough, no discernible body scent himself.  He comes to work for a perfumer in Paris and learns how to make great perfumes, since people back then reeked.  After that ends, he lives alone in the wilderness for a few years, then goes to a small town in the French countryside, where he slaughters young girls and uses their essences to create the most enchanting scent ever.  It was an interesting book, and a pretty easy read.

Books read in 2012:
Perfume: The Story of a Murderer by Patrick Süskind