Give Me Your Handrew

Midwestern Eavesdropping

2012-01-28T14:41:00.001-06:00

Flower counter clerk: "We only got primary colors, see? Red, yellow, purple."
--Chicago, Jewel, Clark & Division
Eavesdropper: RobD

Listen to Hair Band Friday - 1/27/12

2012-01-27T13:54:00.001-06:00

Retro Video of the Week: "Fade Into You" by Mazzy Star

2012-01-25T19:22:00.001-06:00

For reasons that will forever remain a mystery to me, I thought of this song yesterday. I think it's strange I'll never know. But now I can watch the video. Thanks, YouTube!

Tuesday Top Ten: Worst College Sex Scandals

2012-01-24T20:18:00.001-06:00

I am hellishly busy this week and next, so I haven't had time to write a Tuesday Top Ten this week (and may not next week). Thankfully, the good people at Best Online Colleges sent me a link to their article entitled "10 Worst College Sex Scandals of All Time." While I am eagerly awaiting the follow-up listing the ten best college sex scandals of all-time, this is particularly timely given JoePa's passing this weekend. By the way, apparently the best way to avoid flack for failing to report child rape is to win 409 college football games and then die of cancer.

Midwestern Eavesdropping

2012-01-21T23:03:00.001-06:00

Bearded gentleman calling himself "Turban" talking to a stranger at a bar: "I don't even know you and I want to make you vomit."
--Lake Tahoe
Eavesdropper: Bonham

Listen to Hair Band Friday - 1/20/12

2012-01-20T14:12:00.001-06:00

Murder House for Sale!

2012-01-19T22:02:00.002-06:00

I think I've found my dream house. The Murder House from American Horror Story is for sale, for a mere $17 million. This is up slightly from the $4.5 million that the homeowners had previously sought. After all, nothing says "extra $13 million" like a house where dozens of people have been brutally slaughtered in a variety of ways seemingly every year for the past eight decades. "Honey, can you go grab a light bulb from the basement?" "Shit no." Granted, it was all on TV, but the house is real. Thanks to Jesterio the Magnificent for the link. In addition to sleight of hand and birthing children, she is quite adept at internet research.

Retro Video of the Week: "O.P.P." by Naughty By Nature

2012-01-18T20:18:00.000-06:00

This is one of Daughter's favorite songs. Of course, she thinks O.P.P. stands for "Other People's Chocolate Milk." She doesn't really get acronyms.

Tuesday Top Ten: Bands or Artists Who Deserve to be in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame

2012-01-17T20:45:00.001-06:00

About a month and a half ago, on December 7, the 2012 Rock and Roll Hall of Fame inductees were announced. The performers being inducted are Beastie Boys, Donovan, Guns N' Roses, Laura Nyro, Red Hot Chili Peppers, and The Small Faces/The Faces. Musicians are eligible 25 years after they released their first record, so 1987 is the year. For the most part, I am not knocking any of the musicians or artists who have been inducted because most of them deserve it (other than Steely Dan -- I hate those fuckers -- and who the fuck is Laura Nyro?). Unlike some people (most notably, the hosts of That Metal Show), I don't think rap and hip hop artists are any less deserving of a spot in the Hall of Fame than rock and rollers. After all, to me, the term "rock and roll" is broad and includes pretty much all popular music since the mid '50s (country music excluded, for the most part). That said, I do agree with the That Metal Show hosts' gripe that not enough metal acts are in the Hall. Since 2003, the Hall seems to be more willing to give hard rock and metal acts their due, inducting AC/DC (2003), Black Sabbath (2006), Van Halen (2007), Metallica (2009), Alice Cooper (2011), and Guns N' Roses (2012). It's not just metal that's being overlooked. There are a lot of non-hard rock and metal bands or artists that have been snubbed. It seems like the Rock Hall voters are choosing to ignore a lot of successful and influential bands and artists from the '60s, '70s, and '80s, instead choosing bands and artists who they feel SHOULD have been more popular and influential. Again, who the fuck is Laura Nyro? I like to think I know a fair amount about music and music history, and I have honestly never heard or her. I went to her Wikipedia page, and did not recognize any of her songs, even those that other artists recorded. Maybe she is "Hall worthy," but certainly not before the artists below, in my opinion.

Anyway, here is my list of the top ten Rock and Roll Hall of Fame snubs, with the year of the band's first album in parenthses.

Other snubs (in alphabetical order): Pat Benatar, Boston, Jimmy Buffett, Cheap Trick, Joe Cocker, The Cure, The Doobie Brothers, Duran Duran, ELO, The Guess Who, Hall & Oates, Jethro Tull, Joan Jett, Journey, LL Cool J, The Monkees, The Moody Blues, Motley Crue, Willie Nelson, Ted Nugent, Ozzy Osbourne solo, Public Enemy, The Replacements, Steppenwolf, Styx, and Stevie Ray Vaughan.

10. Steve Miller Band (1968)
The Steve Miller Band is another one of those bands that you forget how successful they were, but if you turn on a classic rock radio station, you are almost guaranteed to hear one of their songs within a couple of hours, whether it's "The Joker," "Jet Airliner," "Jungle Love," "Take the Money and Run," "Rock'n Me," "Swingtown," "Abracadabra," or "Fly Like an Eagle." They had five platinum albums (out of six released) between 1973 and 1982 (four of which hit the Top 3 on Billboard's album charts). During that same span, they had 13 Top 100 hits, 9 Top 40 hits, 5 Top 10 hits, and 3 #1s. As a drunk chick once said, "Steve Miller is the soundtrack of my life."

9. Rush (1974)
I don't like Rush, but that doesn't mean they don't deserve to be in the Hall of Fame. I know that they are a big influence on the hard rock and metal bands that followed them, and Neil Peart is widely considered one of the top drummers in rock history. Certainly, they are the most notable band in the prog metal genre. They have 14 platinum albums, an estimated 40 million album sales worldwide, 11 Top 10 albums in the U.S., are third behind the Beatles and Rolling Stones for most consecutive gold or platinum albums, and had a relatively big presence in the Paul Rudd/Jason Segel movie "I Love You, Man."

8. The Cars (1978)
The Cars get lumped into new wave and the '80s, but they were unique in that they had the new wave look and certainly used synthesizers, but also had more of a rock legitimacy to their music than a lot of new wave bands. "Just What I Needed" has held up better than most other songs that you might consider "new wave." The Cars released 7 studio albums (6 between 1978 and 1987 and one in 2011), and their lowest charting album still hit #26, with all but one of the remaining albums breaking the Top 10. Between 1978 and 1987, they had 13 Top 40 hits and 4 Top 10 hits. You can hear (or at least I can hear) their influence in bands like The Strokes, Hockey, and Franz Ferdinand.

7. Deep Purple (1968)
Deep Purple is one of the most underrated bands in rock history, in my opinion. The band was one of the pioneers of heavy metal, and a huge influence on the genre, be it Richie Blackmore's guitar, Ian Gillan's soaring vocals, or Jon Lord's fuzzed-out organ. They found success with various different line-ups, with 8 Top 40 studio albums in the US and 10 in the UK (and 22 total Top 40 albums in the UK including live albums and compilations). Songs like "Smoke on the Water," "Woman From Tokyo," "Hush," and "Highway Star" are hard rock staples.

6. Def Leppard (1980)
Def Leppard is one of my favorite bands, so I am admittedly a little biased, but then again, they deserve a spot in the Rock Hall. They are one of the most successful bands of the '80s, with both 1983's Pyromania and 1987's Hysteria being certified diamond albums by the RIAA, making them one of only five rock bands with two RIAA certified diamond albums (the others being The Beatles, Led Zeppelin, Pink Floyd, and Van Halen, all of whom are in the Rock Hall). Def Leppard has sold an estimated 65 million albums worldwide, and has 8 certified platinum albums, 6 Top 10 albums in the US (12 Top 20) and 7 in the UK, and 15 Top 40 hits in the US and 19 in the UK. Musically, they were much more complex than other bands from their genre, and unlike nearly every other band from the hair band era, Def Leppard has stayed together, continued to make music, and still tour successfully. Frankly, any band that can make a certified diamond album AFTER its drummer loses an arm in a car accident deserves a nomination.

5. Bon Jovi (1984)
Bon Jovi, like Def Leppard, is lumped negatively into the hair band genre. Both were bigger than the genre, in my opinion. Bon Jovi has sold an estimated 130 million albums worldwide, and has managed to weather the '90s and beyond better than just about any other band that can be labeled a hair band. They have 10 platinum albums, 14 Top 40 albums, 11 Top 10 albums, and 4 #1 albums -- including Top 5 albums in the '80s, '90s, and '00s. They also have 17 Top 40 hits (8 of which were in 1992 or after), 10 Top 10 hits, and 4 #1s. When they come to town, they play Soldier Field, which few other bands can do.

4 (tie). Iron Maiden (1980) and Judas Priest (1974)
You can't in good conscience induct one without the other, so I am including both. They are two of the most influential bands in heavy metal history. Iron Maiden is a tour de force, with over 70 million albums sold worldwide and a rabidly loyal following across the globe, selling out stadiums and arenas for 30 years. They define the New Wave of British Heavy Metal. Despite having virtually no airplay in the US, they have 8 gold or platinum albums, 13 Top 40 albums, and 2 Top 10 albums in the US. In the UK, they have 25 Top 40 albums, 14 Top 10 albums, 4 #1 albums, and 35 of the 41 songs they have released as singles have hit the UK Top 40, with 17 Top 10 hits and on #1. Judas Priest is the band that gave metal its black leather and pushed metal from the early sounds of Black Sabbath and Deep Purple towards the New Wave of British Heavy Metal, thrash, and hair bands. With their twin lead guitar attack and soaring vocals, Priest, like Maiden, achieved huge success with little airplay in the States. They have 11 Top 40 albums in the US. As with Iron Maiden, they achieved more success in their native UK, with 14 Top 40 albums, 2 Top 10 albums, and 5 Top 40 hits. There aren't too many hard rock or metal bands since these two came along that don't list them as major influences.

3. Heart (1976)
I don't know how you can induct Laura Nyro, whose songs no one outside of her immediate family and Rolling Stone's offices have ever heard, and not induct Heart, one of the biggest female-fronted rock bands ever. Heart shattered the glass ceiling for female rock bands, in my opinion. For 14 years between 1976 and 1990 (with a brief period of relative weakness in the early '80s), Heart was a force to be reckoned with. All of their 10 studio albums broke the Top 40, with 6 breaking the Top 10, one hitting #1, and 7 going platinum. Heart has had 20 Top 40 hits, 9 Top 10 hits, and 2 #1s. Sorry Rock Hall voters, but "Magic Man," "Crazy On You," and "Barracuda" are better songs than anything Laura Nyro ever wrote or recorded. Also, "All I Wanna Do Is Make Love To You" was my and my girlfriend's song in sixth grade, even though we didn't quite understand what it meant, so there's that.

2. Chicago (1969)
Chicago is another one of those bands that is sneakily successful. The only American band with more success on the Billboard singles and albums charts is the Beach Boys. They have sold an estimated 122 million albums worldwide, with 18 platinum albums, five #1 albums, three #1 songs, and 21 Top 10 songs. They were the leading US singles charting group during the 1970s. They released 12 albums in the '70s, five of which hit #1 and ten of which were in the Top 10. All but one of the 30 singles they released in the '70s charted on the Billboard Top 100, with 22 Top 40 hits, 13 Top 10 hits, and one #1.

1. KISS (1974)
Are you kidding me? KISS is one of the most recognizable, popular, and successful rock bands of all time. The band has sold over 100 million albums worldwide (with relatively little radio airplay, especially in the beginning), is probably the best live band ever, revolutionized live shows, revolutionized live albums from an afterthought to a viable vehicle for bands and record labels, revolutionized rock merchandising, and has influenced thousands of artists from Anthrax to Weezer. They have 34 Top 100 albums, 27 Top 40 albums, 8 Top 10 albums, 8 Top 40 hits, and 2 Top 10 hits. For Christ's sake, they wrote "Rock and Roll All Nite," a song that, more than any other, defines what rock and roll is all about. Whether the Rock Hall voters don't get KISS or are just musical snobs, I don't know, but it's ridiculous that KISS is not in the Hall of Fame.

Some Skinning Music

2012-01-13T19:13:00.000-06:00

Silence of the Lambs is perhaps the most unintentionally funny movie of all-time. On a macro level, it should be scary: a psychothriller about a young FBI agent trying to track down a serial killer with the help of an imprisoned cannibalistic former psychiatrist/serial killer. On a micro level, it's hysterical: Buffalo Bill's mocking wail of the chick in his basement well; Buffalo Bill dancing nude in front of his own video camera with his dong tucked between his legs; "Would you fuck me? I would fuck me."; Hannibal's voice; Buffalo Bill's voice; Clarice's voice; "do the lambs still cry, Clarice?"; Jame Gumb; Lecter eating that guard's face; a supermax inmate defying physics by throwing his man goo on Clarice mere minutes after telling her "I can smell your cunt"; "He said 'I can smell your cunt.'" "I see. I myself cannot."; "Oh wait, was she a great big fat person?"; tales of eating a government employee's liver with fava beans and a nice chianti; "Tell me, mum, when your little girl is on the slab, where will it tickle you?"; "His pulse never got above 85, even when he ate her tongue"; and, last but certainly not least, "it rubs the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again."

The band The Greenskeepers have used the last one (and other Buffalo Bill-isms) as inspiration for a song, with an accompanying video of clips from Silence of the Lambs. Thanks to Bonham for the link. Enjoy.

Listen to Hair Band Friday - 1/13/12

2012-01-13T13:34:00.001-06:00

My Way, Your Way, Anything Goes Tonight

2012-01-12T18:56:00.001-06:00

On the eve of yet another Hair Band Friday, I want to share an awesome dream I had last night. Inthe dream, I was living at the house I grew up in, although I apparently ownedit, was single, lived there by myself, and it was in or around Los Angeles. My neighbor in back of me was Slash. It was Halloween morning (a Saturday, noless), and I went to an upstairs bedroom window facing Slash's house. He was passed out, lying naked on his backporch, just outside his back door. Itwas clear to me in the dream that he had tried to make it home after a night ofboozing, but fell just short. It wasunclear to me why or how he lost his clothes. I opened the window and yelled to him, since we were obviously buddies. He woke up, stood up, but his top hat overhis crotch, had a good laugh, and then we talked about our plans for thatday/night. I was going to dress up asSlash (which, as you may recall, I'vedone before with disastrous results for my liver), and Slash was going todress up as Axl. We were going to take alimo to the Rainbow early in the day to have some lunch and drinks with some strippers,and then we would be staying on the Sunset Strip the rest of theday/night, doing a little bar crawl. In my head in the dream, Iwas thinking, "Damn, that's gonna be a lot of drinking. I gotta make sure I don't overdo itearly." Why? Because the plan was to end the night singinglive band karaoke at The Roxy. Slash wasgoing to pretend to be Axl, then grab a guitar and reveal that he was, in fact,Slash. Meanwhile, I would be singing asSlash, so there would be two Slashes on stage. It was a ruse that couldn't fail. After that, we would walk downtown (which is several miles, mind you)and catch a bus outside the fictitious building where I allegedly worked. I figured that I would have to stay incostume just in case I ran into anyone from work, so they wouldn't recognizeme. After we hatched this plan -- me inmy second-story window, fully clothed, and Slash in his backyard completelynaked, save for a hat that covered his dong, but not his billowing crotch hair --Slash said that the limo was picking us up at 11, so we only had a couple hoursto get into costume. It was gotime. I had to dig my Slash costume outand make sure I had a good '70s rock t-shirt with the sleeves and neck cut outto wear under my cut-off jean jacket. Theprecious wailing of a four-month-old prevented me from doing so, and it was oneof those moments where, not only did I want the dream to keep going, but I alsowanted the dream to be real, even though I know Slash has had substance abuse problems. So Slash, if you're reading this -- and I assume you are -- shoot me an email and let's make some Halloween plans. Just please promise you'll keep your pants on.

Retro Video of the Week: "Lovefool" by The Cardigans

2012-01-11T19:36:00.001-06:00

This song seemed to be everpresent during the winter of my freshman year of college. I particularly remember the morning after my last final of the first semester, trying to sleep off a hangover while the guys in the room a floor below me blared "Lovefool" on repeat starting at about 9 a.m. as they packed for winter break. Such is college.

Tuesday Top Ten: Albums of 2011

2012-01-10T20:31:00.001-06:00

Iwould have posted this earlier, but I was awaiting the arrival of a couplealbums from 2011, which I have now received and had time to digest. Thus, I am now in a position to rank my topten albums of 2011. As with my rankingsevery year, this list includes only albums that I own, and I only bought 16albums that were released last year. Also, it does not include live albums orEPs (I bought one of each –- Def Leppard's Mirror Ball – Live & More andGary Clark, Jr.'s The Bright Lights EP, respectively -- both of which Irecommend), which knocks the pool of options down to 14.

Ithought 2011 was a decent year for music, or at least the albums I bought werepretty good as a whole. Below are my tenfavorite, with my favorite song from each.

Otherspurchased: Artic Monkeys - Suck It andSee; Cage the Elephant - Thank You Happy Birthday; The Sheepdogs - Learn andBurn; The Vaccines - What Did You Expect From The Vaccines?

10. DiarrheaPlanet - Loose Jewels

Ifyou can get past the name (which I don't mind, but then again, I'm alsoinsane), you will find a short (19 minutes) but sweet album chockfull of fuzzy,frantic, lo-fi garage punk. For a morein-depth review of the album, clickhere.

Favoritesong: "Juggernaut!"

9. TheStrokes – Angles

Thefirst Strokes album in five years wasn't as good as I had hoped, frankly. That said, it's still pretty good. It's a little bit of a departure from theirprior albums, with some of the songs having kind of a more synth-y feel to them,like they were listening to a lot of Duran Duran (which isn't necessarily a badthing). Of course, several of the songsremind you why they vaulted into stardom a decade ago -- catchy, crunchy, andfrantic. The album is very good, buttop-to-bottom, I don't like it as much as their first three albums. I was going to say this albums sounds like itwas influenced by the band Hockey, but as I was writing it, it occurred to methat it's probably the other way around.

Favoritesong: "Under Cover ofDarkness"

8. TheBlack Lips - Arabia Mountain

Garage-ygoodness, with a Ramones meets Exile On Main St.-era Stones feel to many of thesongs. The songs are short and catchy,and there are a lot of songs that, if you didn't know they were put out in2011, you might very well think they were from the mid to late '60s.

Favoritesong: "Modern Art"

7. ThoseDarlins - Screw Gets Loose

Ifyou mixed The Ramones, Johnny Cash, June Carter Cash, The Raveonettes, TheAndrews Sisters, '60s girl groups, and The Detroit Cobras or Ko & TheKnockouts together, the result might be Those Darlins. They play good, catchy garage punk with asplash of Nashville.

Favoritesong: "Hives"

6. RivalSons - Pressure and Time

Thisis just good, old fashioned, straightforward, booze-soaked rock and roll. You should listen to this music in a bar orin a car with rear-wheel drive with the windows rolled down, no matter thetemperature. Unfortunately, I missedthese guys when they came through town last year, but hopefully they will hitChicago again.

Favoritesong: "All Over the Road"

5. Township- One More Summer

Oneof my favorite bands has released another fantastic, '70s rock-influencedalbum. One More Summer is darker thanthe band's prior albums, but rocks just as hard. The influences I hear (whether they wereactually influences or not) include Thin Lizzy, Black Sabbath, '70s Aerosmith, andUFO. It's another solid offering, and Ihope these guys make it to Chicago this year because they put on a great liveshow.

Favoritesong: "Arrow"

4. JeffThe Brotherhood - We Are The Champions

Labelmates of Diarrhea Planet, Jeff The Brotherhood is the latest in a long line ofduos that produce a lot of sound (White Stripes, Black Keys, etc.). Jeff The Brotherhood play a fuzzy, yetcatchy, brand of rock and roll that incorporates elements of hard rock, garagerock, pop, '60s psychedelic rock, metal, punk, and new wave.

Favoritesong: "Diamond Way"

3. TheBlack Keys - El Camino

Akron'sfavorite sons (apologies to Ripper Owens) have again teamed up with DangerMouse with excellent results on their seventh studio album (Danger Mouse alsoproduced 2008's Attack & Release). Unlike some other bands, I feel like The Black Keys have progressed asthey've gone along. I love all of theiralbums, even if they are different from one another. El Camino has elements of hard rock, soul, earlyrock and roll, glam, and, of course, garage rock.

Favoritesong: "Lonely Boy"

2. FooFighters - Wasting Light

Inmy opinion, Foo Fighters are the best hard rock band since they released theirdebut album in 1995. Wasting Light is agreat album with an edge and snarl that some of their previous albums haven'thad (not that any of their previous albums are bad). It has a garage metal feel to it (as it was,in fact, recorded in a garage). Somereviewers have said that the album sounds influenced by Nirvana, which I don'tnecessarily agree with (although it was produced by Nevermind producer ButchVig). I hear more of a Queens of theStone Age influence (Dave Grohl worked with QotSA lead singer Josh Homme ontheir side project Them Crooked Vultures), along with early '80s metal. One thing is certain: no matter the influence, the album kicks ass.

Favoritesong: "These Days"

1. BlackJoe Lewis and The Honeybears – Scandalous

Ihave come to the conclusion that it is impossible to hate good soul music. I understand the reasons why people might notlike other genres (not that I agree with these). Metal is too loud and evil. Jazz is too convoluted and inaccessible. Punk is too angry and talentless. Country is too "rural." Rap and hip hop are too"urban." Indie rock is toopretentious. Top 40 pop is toocommercial. The blues are toodepressing. Techno and disco are too X-yand fake. But soul music -- and I meanclassic '60s soul like Otis Redding, James Brown, and Wilson Pickett -- isimpossible to dislike. It justpenetrates you, dare I say it, to your soul. That's exactly what this album is, with some garage rock mixed in. Is garage soul a genre? If it is, these guys rule the roost. You can't go wrong with a horn section. The band's second album destroys any worriesof a sophomore slump. If you likeStax/Volt soul –- and based on my theory, you must -- then you will like thisalbum. From the beginning to the end ofthe album, you can't help but nod your head or tap your feet. It has fast-paced songs that make you want todance and slow songs that make you want to make sweet love. Buy it. Love it. LIVE it.

Favoritesongs (tie): "Black Snake,""Mustang Ranch," and "You Been Lyin'"

Any other albums from 2011 I should check out?

Listen to Hair Band Friday - 1/6/12

2012-01-06T14:02:00.001-06:00

Midwestern Eavesdropping

2012-01-05T19:47:00.001-06:00

Middle-aged man on escalator begins talking to thirtysomething woman who is a stranger:
Man: "Nice outside, isn't it? It's supposed to be almost 50."
Woman: "Yes it is."
Man: "I don't have a refrigerator. I better take my meat out of the window."
--Chicago, Chicago Public Library, State and Van Buren
Eavesdropper: Jester

Resolutions for 2012

2012-01-05T19:31:00.001-06:00

2011kind of sucked. On the bright side, Iattended my first Bears playoff game, Bulls playoff game, MLB Opening Day, andNCAA Sweet 16 and Elite 8, IU beat the #1 and #2 teams in the country, Ifinally switched to an iPhone from a Blackberry, I got a promotion, I gotLebowski on Blu-ray, and I welcomed a second child, Lollipop, into thefamily. To offset those, I had friendswho lost grandparents, fathers, brothers, and sons, a co-worker whose teenagenephew was killed by errant gunfire, and a brother-in-law who spent severalweeks in a coma after a motorcycle accident. 2012 has to be better, unless of course theMayans were right.

Hereare my resolutions for 2012:

-Losesome weight. I'm serious this time.

-Telleveryone I know who rides a motorcycle to wear a helmet.

-Fulfillmy promise to my great-great-great-great-grandfather and vote straight Whig inNovember.

-Learnhow to sing doo wop.

-Watchthe IU men's basketball team play in the NCAA tournament, either in-person oron television.

-Developridiculous calf muscles.

-Get3 stars on all levels of Angry Birds. Sorry Jester.

-Shootan arrow with a bow.

-Writea lot of doo wop songs.

-Morph.

-Listento more music.

-Developa better reaction topotential home invasion.

-Reach200,000 hits on GMYH.

-Minediamonds, no matter what the cost in human capital.

-Forma doo wop group called Little Andrew and The Donkey Raping Shit Eaters.

-Continueto keep Daughter and Lollipop away from NCAA assistant coaches.

-Developa miniseries based on the real-life meteoric rise and disastrous, drug-,hooker-, bow-and-arrow-, and Angry-Birds-laden fall of a crudely named doo wopgroup who couldn't deal with their lead singer's unbelievable calves.

Retro Video of the Week: "Jeremy" by Pearl Jam

2012-01-04T20:46:00.002-06:00

The first time I ever saw this video (which was also the first time I ever heard the song), I was staying overnight at a friend's house. His name? Jeremy. Coincidentally, he also used to gnash his teeth and bite the recess lady's breast.

New Book: No Regrets by Ace Frehley

2012-01-04T20:40:00.003-06:00

Acouple weeks ago, I finished Sweetness:The Enigmatic life of Walter Payton by Jeff Pearlman. As a huge Walter Payton fan, it was a reallyinteresting read. It was eye-openingbecause I never realized that Payton essentially led two lives. His public persona was that of a caring,sign-every-autograph, loving husband and father life. However, in reality, while he was certainly acaring individual, he was a giant philanderer, fathered a child with anotherwoman, and lived apart from his wife and kids for nearly his kids' entirechildhoods. More than anything, the bookmakes you realize that Payton, despite being the greatest football player ofall-time, was, in fact, human and had his problems just like everyoneelse. Pearlman did a great job of goinginto detail, interviewing the people who knew Payton best (which wasn'tnecessarily his family or teammates) and refusing to accept as truth everythingpreviously written about Payton. As itturns out, Payton was an enigma (hence, the title of the book). He only had a few close friends, and wasrelatively guarded. He even lied abouthis birth year for most of his adult life. Anyway, the book is a must-read for any Bears, Payton, or NFL fan. My only gripe is that, in the afterword, theauthor was discussing supertalented people and mentioned "JimiHendricks." How any editor doesn'tknow the proper spelling of Jimi Hendrix is beyond me.

Speakingof guitar gods, I have started reading Ace Frehley's autobiography, No Regrets. The Spaceman speaketh. So far so good.

Tuesday Top Ten: Concerts I Attended in 2011

2012-01-03T21:16:00.000-06:00

Other than booze, cigarettes, opium, gambling, Angry Birds, and being dominated by women dressed up as Yukon Cornelius, my only vice is live music. 2011 was a pretty good year for me, concert-wise. It was eclectic, as I saw everything from Celtic punk to '70s rock to garage rock to hip hop to indie rock to soul to funk to punk to cock rock to '90s rock to '60s rock to African-inspired pop. 2012 is looking like it will be a good one as well, with Motörhead/Megadeth, The Darkness, The Black Keys, and Flogging Molly/Black Joe Lewis & The Honeybears shows scheduled for February and March (and tickets already purchased).

Anyway, here are my top ten concerts from 2011:

Honorable mention: Dropkick Murphys and Naked Raygun, Congress Theatre, February 26; Sybris, Schuba's, April 1; Paul Simon, Chicago Theatre, May 17; Daysleeper, Schuba's, June 22; Eminem, Grant Park (Lollapalooza), August 4; The Hold Steady and The Donkeys, The Metro, August 25; Robert Randolph & The Family Band and Steepwater Band, Park West, October 29

10. JC Brooks & The Uptown Sound, Schuba's, December 30

I had never heard anything by these guys before the show, but they turned out to be awesome. They are what I would call neoclassical soul – great, '60s-inspired soul music, taking influences from James Brown, as well as Stax/Volt catalog of musicians. The rhythm section was tight (as they have to be), the keyboardist was great, and the guitarist looked like Gene Vincent and played a fantastic-looking red Gibson hollow-body. But of course, it was lead singer JC Brooks who stole the show. As my buddy Bonham said during the show, it's as if JC Brooks was the reincarnation of Jackie Wilson. It was an appropriate comparison. Brooks has a great voice, and, like Wilson, is a showman. What's the point of being on stage if you're not going to put on a show for the audience?

9. J. Roddy Walston & The Business, Grant Park (Lollapalooza), August 4

They played the first show on Saturday at Lollapalooza, which meant that I was able to get right next to the stage. These guys played straight up rock and roll with no nonsense. As I previously described them, they are like Led Zeppelin meets Jerry Lee Lewis. Walston is a hirsute piano-playing madman, and the rest of the band follows suit. Among the highlights was a rollicking cover of Little Richard's "Lucille.

8. Stiff Little Fingers and Flatfoot 56, Double Door, August 18

If you don't know, Stiff Little Fingers is an old Northern Irish punk band. I think their song "Alternative Ulster" is probably my favorite punk song. The guys are all in their 50s now, but that hasn't slowed them down. They put on an energetic show, two minutes at a time. The opener, Flat Foot 56, was pretty good too. They played Celtic punk in the vain of Dropkick Murphys.

7. Buckcherry, Taddy Porter, and Stars of Boulevard, House of Blues, July 10

Every now and then, everyone needs some cock rock, and this show had a lot of it. Stars of Boulevard looked like they were from the Sunset Strip. Taddy Porter is a ball-busting, '70s-inspired hard rock band that I highly recommend seeing. And Buckcherry makes no apologies for rocking out with their cocks out. Adding to the goodness was the crowd, which included: (1) a woman in her 40s from The Region with teased-up mall bangs who gave Daniel her number and invited him to go to a strip club with him after the show; and (2) a woman in her late 20s or early 30s who was dancing like a whore against the bar and trying to get backstage while her husband watched in helpless disappointment. They exchanged words later.

6. Ace Frehley, House of Blues, November 9

I wasn't sure what to expect from the Spaceman, but he put on a hell of a show. It was a nice mix of Kiss and his solo stuff, leaning more heavily towards the former. I was pleasantly surprised that he and his backing band played several Kiss songs that Gene, Paul, or Peter sang (which were sung by others in his band). One thing is for sure: his guitar playing has not lost a step in the last 35 years. And smoking guitars are always a plus. My only complaint is that my ears were ringing for the next day. I guess I'm too old.

5. Thin Lizzy and Lovehammers, The Vic, April 1

Yes, I realize Phil Lynott has been dead since 1986. However, Thin Lizzy is one of my favorite bands, and they were a legendary live band back in the day, so I wasn't about to pass up the opportunity to see them when they came to town in April. Joining longtime Lizzy guitarist Scott Gorham, drummer Brian Downey, and keyboardist Darren Wharton were Def Leppard guitarist Vivian Campbell, Irish guitarist and lead singer Ricky Warwick, and metal/hard rock journeyman bassist Marco Mendoza. The band was very tight, and you could tell they were having a great time. Campbell played the whole show with a smile on his face (Lizzy was a huge influence on '80s hard rock and metal). Warwick sounded close enough to Lynott that if you closed your eyes, you would think you were listening to the Live and Dangerous album.

4. Black Joe Lewis & The Honeybears and Those Darlins, Double Door, April 2

The first weekend in April was a good one musically. The night after Thin Lizzy (and Sybris at Schuba's after Thin Lizzy), I went to the Double Door to see Black Joe Lewis & The Honeybears and Those Darlins. I had never heard of Those Darlins before that night, but I enjoyed them. They are three ladies and a dude drummer, and I would describe their sound as Detroit Cobras meets Johnny and June Carter Cash meets The Ramones. As for Black Joe Lewis & The Honeybears, they put on a phenomenal show. Like the aforementioned JC Brooks & The Uptown Sound (see #10 above), Black Joe Lewis & The Honeybears are a neoclassical soul band, and they are my favorite of the bunch because they add a little garage rock tinge to the music. Plus they have a full horn section, which is always awesome. If the Stax/Volt label was still around today, Black Joe Lewis & The Honeybears would be the label's flagship act. They are opening for Floggin Molly in late February, and I can't wait for that show. Assume you will see them on my Top Ten Concerts I Attended in 2012 list in about 365 days.

2 (tie). Weezer, Aragon, January 7; Weezer, Aragon, January 8

I previously recounted my "Weekend of Weezer," so I will let you read that if you really want to know about it in detail. Long story short: the first night they played the Blue Album in its entirety and the second night they played Pinkerton in its entirety (with a "greatest hits" set preceding the album both nights). Awesome.

1. Paul McCartney, Wrigley Field, July 31

He's a Beatle. Game over.

Retro Video of the Week: "Summertime" by DJ Jazzy Jeff and The Fresh Prince

2011-12-28T20:51:00.000-06:00

As thetemperature starts to drop, this is a great song and video to keep youwarm. By the way, I'm pretty sure WillSmith hasn't aged since this video. Jazz, on the other hand, is worse for the wear because of injuriescaused by Uncle Phil repeatedly throwing him out of the Banks house.

Midwestern Eavesdropping

2011-12-25T20:38:00.001-06:00

Sister: "Who ripped ass?"
Brother: "The dog did."
Sister (who is also a mother): "That smells worse than giving birth."
--somewhere in central Illinois
Eavesdropper: The Loose Lipped Lithuanian

The Scream

2011-12-23T10:01:00.001-06:00

Edvard Munch has nothing on me. After spending most of yesterday trying in vain to balance eggs on their end, I went to bed around 11:15 exhausted and despondent. It generally takes me a while to fully fall asleep, and sometimes I will hear something while I'm half asleep that jolts me awake. Around 11:45, I was in between consciousness and unconsciousness. I must have heard something or had a dream that someone was in the house. In the instant I half woke up, I looked towards my bedroom doorway and saw a tall skinny man standing there. The sound that came out of my mouth is best described as a deafening, blood-curdling, girlish shriek. If Freddy Krueger, Jason Vorhees, Michael Myers, Pinhead, that chick with a dick from Sleepaway Camp, and Purdue Pete were standing in my doorway, I wouldn't have screamed louder or more shrilly. As I fully awakened and focused my eyes, I realized the tall skinny man was the shadow of the vertical door frame. I wasn't sure if my scream was in my dream or out loud. I figured that out pretty quickly because Jester had woken up, completely terrified. As she describes my scream, "it was how I would expect you to scream if you woke up and thought you were about to be murdered." I couldn't replicate it if I tried. When I figured everything out (all of this took a matter of seconds), I thought it was pretty funny, particularly because if there was actually someone in my room, he would have undoubtedly been just as scared of me as I was of him, giving me just enough time to roll off the bed and grab my samurai sword from under the bed. Who's screaming now, bean pole?

Midwestern Eavesdropping

2011-12-23T09:11:00.001-06:00

Mid 20s male yelling across the street on a Friday morning: "Can I have a dollar for the cab ride?"
Mid 20s female: "A dollar? I just spent all night paying for your drinks while you talked about being in the 1%. No you can't have a fucking dollar."
--Chicago, Lincoln, Belden & Orchard
Eavesdropper: Bob Terwilliger

Last-Minute Gift Idea

2011-12-21T20:36:00.000-06:00

In case anyone is looking for a last-minute gift idea for the man or woman who has everything, might I suggest a dolphin jetpack?

Retro Video of the Week: "All I Want For Christmas Is You" by Mariah Carey

2011-12-21T20:32:00.000-06:00

Before she became a diva or a weirdo (or before we knew about it anyway), Mariah Carey was just an ethnically ambiguous hot chick with an incredible voice who, in 1994, released one of the catchiest songs ever (holiday or otherwise). There are only two kinds of people in the world: those who love this song and those who lie when they say they don't love this song. I suppose that means there is really only one kind of person in this world.

Tuesday Top Ten: Smörgåsbord

2011-12-20T22:41:00.002-06:00

I'm incredibly lazy (although not lazy enough to properly spell smörgåsbord), so I have not thought of a Tuesday Top Ten of my own this week. Thankfully, people from various websites have emailed me over the last month and asked to post links to their lists. Some of them even have more than 10 entries on their lists. Egad! So, here you go:

The first is from the good people at OnlineColleges.net, who sent me the link to their article "25 Facts You Never Knew About Tailgating." I find this title to be disrespectful of my knowledge of tailgating. That said, it's an interesting read. IU fans will appreciate #15, although I think it's closer to 60% in B-town.

The second is from the good people at OnlineCertificatePrograms.org, who sent me the link to their article "The NFL's 10 Most Embarrassing Late-Season Meltdowns." This may have to be updated to add the 2011 Chicago Bears -- not that having your best quarterback, running back, and wide receiver is necessarily embarrassing. It just sucks ass. Just because God's only son plays for the Denver Broncos doesn't mean He has to smite the Bears.

Finally, the good people at BestCollegesOnline.com sent me the link to their article "14 Most Beautiful Colleges for Runners." I find the failure to include Indiana University to be grossly negligent. Then again, I hate running outside of dreams.

Midwestern Eavesdropping - 12/19/11

2011-12-19T21:43:00.000-06:00

As I'm wont to do, I've been stockpiling eavesdroppings. It's been since July. Jesus. In the future, I think I'm going to post eavesdroppings as I receive them. It could be magical for everyone involved.

Several guys are discussing football at a party:
Guy #1: "Mike Martz hates tight ends."
Guy #2: "You know who doesn't hate tight ends? Jerry Sandusky."
--Naperville, IL
Eavesdropper: GMYH

Drunk twentysomething lesbian who has not yet come out to her parents, to a group of girls and guys: "When you were in college, did your Mom ever cliterally wake you up?"
--Chicago, Rocks, Schubert & Lakewood
Eavesdropper: Gregerson

Late 20s male at a house party: "The only thing I do in cursive is fuck."
--LaGrange, IL
Eavesdropper: GMYH

Female teacher #1: "Was it the fat lady in all the poltergeist movies?"
Female teacher #2: "You mean Oprah?"
--Chicago
Eavesdropper: The Loose Lipped Lithuanian

Thirtysomething guy at his son's birthday party, as if this is common knowledge: "If you eat chocolate and turn your head to the side, you will choke, every time."
--Romeoville, IL
Eavesdropper: Troy McClure

Early 20s guy excitedly approaches group of friends: "I just did a shot on the bus with Scottie Pippen's daughter! I'm gonna add her as a friend on Facebook."
Girl: "Who's Scottie Pippen?"
--Chicago, Lollapalooza, Grant Park
Eavesdropper: GMYH

Thirtysomething straight male: "You didn't see Duets?"
--Chicago, Rocks, Schubert & Lakewood
Eavesdropper: Chenandler Bong

Guy to friend while walking down sidewalk: "The song Chocolate Rain was written about my bowel movements today."
--Chicago, Belmont & Racine
Eavesdropper: GMYH

Female teacher #1: "Do you know what a soothsayer is?"
Female teacher #2: "Isn't it a saber-toothed tiger?"
--Chicago
Eavesdropper: The Loose Lipped Lithuanian

Late 20s male describing his astronomy prowess to a group of dudes: "I can tell you what that star is, fag."
--LaGrange, IL
Eavesdropper: GMYH

Woman at party discussing frozen eggs: "I've got 2 more kids waiting for me. They're in the freezer."
--Richmond, IN
Eavesdropper: Wee Wee

Female teacher #1, discussing dog on his back on the edge of a couch: "Should I let go of your dog?"
Female teacher #2: "Sure, he'll be fine."
Teacher #1 lets go of dog and dog falls on back.
Female teacher #1: "I guess dogs don't always land on their feet."
--Chicago
Eavesdropper: The Loose Lipped Lithuanian

Thirtysomething guy to friends, while watching a band he suggested at Lollapalooza: "Sorry. I didn't realize this band had an androgynous singer."
--Chicago, Lollapalooza, Grant Park
Eavesdropper: GMYH

Two hillbillies, after ordering from McDonalds in rural Indiana, commenting about cashier: "She sure smelled good, huh?"
--somewhere in Indiana
Eavesdropper: Trashton

Guy #1 at bar: "Go fuck yourself."
Guy #2: "Wait till I get home. There will be a lot of that going on."
--Chicago, Rocks, Schubert & Lakewood
Eavesdropper: GMYH

Twentysomething female: "Oh yeah, well I call your dad cum-dumpster."
--Chicago, Pequod's, Webster & Clybourn
Eavesdropper: The Floppy Burrito

Thirtysomething female about a friend's husband: "His sperm could have its own reality show."
--Chicago
Eavesdropper: GMYH

Two late 30s/early 40s guys who appear to be of Hispanic descent, walking down sidewalk discussing cigars:
Guy 1: "The one I had was really good. It was from -- I wish I -- I can't pronounce the name. It's like 'nicagura' or something."
Guy 2: "Nicaragua?"
Guy 1: "Yes."
--Chicago, State & Illinois
Eavesdropper: GMYH

Late 30s drunk guy, outside of bar: "I've come on plenty of C section scars, and they're all the same to me."
--Chicago, Rocks, Schubert & Lakewood
Eavesdropper: GMYH

As we do bow and then, here is a photo that, while not technically eavesdropping, is worthy of inclusion:

--Chicago, Dominick's, Sheffield & Fullerton
Eavesdropper: RDC

Thanks to everyone who contributed. Whenever you overhear something funny, email it to gmyhblog@yahoo.com so that it can be included in the next exciting edition of Midwestern Eavesdropping.

Listen to Hair Band Friday - 12/16/11

2011-12-16T13:30:00.001-06:00

Retro Video of the Week: "Do They Know It's Christmas?" by Band Aid

2011-12-14T22:33:00.002-06:00

Remember back in the '80s when Bob Geldof (or Quincy Jones) could just get a bunch of rock stars together to make a song and video for charity? That kind of thing doesn't seem to happen much anymore, which is a damn shame. "Do They Know It's Christmas?" by Band Aid kind of kicked off the whole charity single craze. It has an all-star cast, including, but not limited to, Bono, Sting, George Michael, Boy George, Phil Collins, and members of Duran Duran, Bananarama, Kool & The Gang, Spandau Ballet, and The Boomtown Rats. This video showed not only that rock stars had compassion and empathy, but that they also had mullets. I'm guessing many of the Ethiopian children who benefitted from the proceeds of this song did not know that it's Christmas because they were Muslim and near death. Merry Christmas.

Tuesday Top Ten: Most Annoying Holiday Commercials

2011-12-13T23:34:00.000-06:00

Every year, Corporate America seems to push the beginning of the holiday season back further and further. It seemed like this year the jewelry commercials started around Halloween. It devolved from there. Apparently most advertising executives want you to hate the products their clients are selling. The Victoria's Secret commercial is phenomenal. Pretty much every other holiday commercial is terrible. The main culprit are the jewelry stores, hawking their blood diamonds without any concern for human decency or watchability. If there is a God, Satan is producing jewelry commercials.

I hate many holiday commercials, but these are the ten worst I could think of off the top of my head. I'm sure there are others I'm forgetting or trying to block from my memory.

10. The Best Buy commercials where the moms buy so many good presents at Best Buy that they outdo Santa. Just like a woman to ruin the one goddamn thing this guy likes to do.

9. The Madden '12 commercial where the kid is leaving hints in everything that he wants Madden '12 for Christmas. I respect his dedication, but where does a kid that much block ice and a chainsaw? For what he spent on that, he could have bought several copies of Madden '12.

8. The Jared commercial at the football game where the players are watching a proposal on the big screen. "The ideal ideal cut diamond." Shut your fat fucking mouth.

7. The Kay commercial with Dr. Quinn's "Open Heart" collection. "Open your heart and love will always find a way in." Isn't that what Ted Bundy used to say to pick up women?

6. The Jared commercial where one woman sitting in the airport is telling the woman sitting next to her about her charm bracelet. I don't buy it. No one would ever compliment a stranger's charm bracelet. Ever. Unless it's part of a ruse to gain the person's confidence with the end goal of murdering him or her. And no one would ever call a charm "the red hot love bead." Ever. Unless it's an anal bead.

5. The Zales commercial touting the Leo Schacter diamond. I hate commercials that drop names that no one knows, as if everyone should know them. Does anyone besides Leo Schacter know who Leo Schacter is or care that he has in any way been involved with your jewelry? Whenever I go to a jewelry store (which is never, by the way), I will ask which jewels (and I will use that term) were designed by Leo Schacter.

4. The Tommy Hilfiger commercial where all the beautiful people are having a holiday party. At the holiday parties I've attended, everyone wears shirts.

3. The Kay Jewelers commercial where Santa tells the husband his wife will like his jewelry choice. Then on Christmas morning, the wife totally likes the necklace. Then the husband said, "Santa said you would." And the wife gives him a look like "say what?" And then the husband's all, "No really." Every kiss begins with a commercial that is embarrassing to watch.

2. The Jared commercial touting the LeVian Chocolate Diamond. Just what every woman wants: a brown gem.

1. Every Lexus commercial. Jesus, when is this going to run its course? No one has ever put a giant red bow on a car. No one has ever bought a small music box to play that damn classical song that Lexus has ruined. My favorite one is the one with the hipster couple because, you know, you can afford a Lexus on Potbelly bike delivery salary. They go downstairs from their trendy loft to see the live-in boyfriend's present parked on the street. He acts excited, when he is actually thinking "Thanks for buying me the ugliest Lexus ever made."

I Can Get You a Toe

2011-12-12T21:18:00.002-06:00

Saturday afternoon, I got Daughter up from her nap. I was carrying her to the couch to plop her down next to her grandpa, when I ran my right pinky toe into the solid base of a glider chair we have. As soon as I tried to walk on it, I knew it was broken. Little did I know what it would come to mean.

The last time I broke a toe was March 21, 2002. I was sprinting out of my house on Grant Street in Bloomington after IU beat Duke in the Sweet 16. I was wearing shower sandals, which, in hind sight, are not made for sprinting, and I slipped out of one and rolled over my big toe, breaking it and busting it open in the process. That was the last time IU beat a #1 ranked team. Until Saturday.

Saturday was a big day in sports. Between the Heisman Trophy presentation, the Xavier/Cincinnati brawl, and Ryan Braun's steroid allegations coming to light, the IU/Kentucky game may have gotten lost in the shuffle. The unranked 8-0 Hoosiers welcomed to Assembly Hall the #1 ranked 8-0 Kentucky Wildcats – IU's dirty rival to the south – with a roster full of five-star recruits and a coach who has had to vacate two of his three Final Four appearances due to NCAA violations.

It was a hard-fought game. IU was up ten at points in the second half, but Kentucky came back to take a two-point lead on a free throw with 5.6 seconds left. IU had no timeouts. Christian Watford inbounded the ball to Verdell Jones III, who dribbled up to about the free throw line extended, when he turned around to see a wide-open Watford trailing him behind the three-point line. He passed to Watford who released the ball with about 1 second on the clock. Swish. Pandemonium. This is why college basketball is awesome.

Here's how it looked on TV:

At this point – which was during Daughter's second birthday party, mind you – I went nuts and started screaming hysterically and running around feeling no pain, making several toddlers cry in the process. At Assembly Hall, Tom Crean had a look of disbelief, as fans rushed the court (which, while technically not allowed under my rules of court rushing, I allowed it in this situation). At a jam-packed Nick's English Hut (probably the greatest college bar in the world), this was the scene:

IU Upsets KY - Celebration at Nick's English Hut from Tarun Gangwani on Vimeo.

Forgive us if we seem a little giddy. If this were any year prior to 2009, beating Kentucky when they were ranked #1 would have been a big win, but it wouldn't have meant nearly as much as it meant Saturday.

As you may or may not recall, IU's basketball program was decimated in 2008. Before then, IU had a squeaky clean reputation, playing by the rules without any major NCAA violations since before Bob Knight arrived. After Kelvin Sampson got busted for sending too many text messages for the second time (by the way, there are now no limits on the number of text messages coaches can send to recruits – thanks NCAA) and then lied about it, and then got fired, and then IU limped to an 8-seed in the NCAA tournament and a first-round loss, and then several players got kicked off the team, and then several players transferred, IU was left with two returning players, both walk-ons, who had played a combined total of 11 minutes. To top it off, several top recruits decommitted and went to other schools. When Tom Crean was hired, he wasn't rebuilding a program; he was building a program from scratch.

When you're a proud and storied program like IU, and you've suffered through a 28-66 record over the last three years, you're eagerly waiting to get over that hump and get back to national prominence. The win over Kentucky put IU back on the basketball map. The Hoosiers are back in the Top 25 for the first time since March 2008 and are 9-0 for the first time since the 1989-1990 season. As an IU student or fan, there is nothing better than when IU basketball is winning (especially when you're at Assembly Hall or a bar with IU fans for a game), and it means even that much more given what the program has been through over the past few years. I will gladly sacrifice a toe here and there if this is the result.

For some other YouTube clips (all sent to me by Holt), click on these:

-IU radio play-by-play man Don Fischer's call of the game winner

-View from Assembly Hall #1

-View from Assembly Hall #2

-View from Assembly Hall #3

-View from Assembly Hall #4 (from the balcony)

-Another video from inside Nick's

-Outside on Kirkwood (Bloomington's main drag of college bars)

Listen to Hair Band Friday - 12/9/11

2011-12-09T13:38:00.001-06:00

The Ultimate Holiday Party Playlist

2011-12-08T21:29:00.001-06:00

A couple years ago, I posted my Top Ten Holiday Songs. While it has since been labeled "a brilliant piece of social commentary by a horribly disturbed and presumably disfigured man" and "prose not even Hemingway could vomit out of his pen, no matter how drunk he was," it doesn't help you if you are throwing a holiday party (or, as we used to call it, a "Christmas party") unless your party is only like 37 minutes long. Lately I've been racked with guilt over this, so I decided to make amends by providing you with the ultimate holiday party playlist. This list includes 34 holiday songs that will keep your party going longer than your yule log will stay lit.

Now, before you go ape shit on me for not including certain classic holiday songs, bear in mind that this list is geared towards parties, not sitting on your bearskin rug in front of a fire with a snifter of brandy and a high-priced call girl. Thus, for the sake of keeping the party goers from falling asleep, I tried to keep some slower classic songs off the list (i.e., "The Christmas Song" by Nat King Cole, Bing Crosby's version of "White Christmas," "Baby, It's Cold Outside," "Christmas Time" by Ray Charles). I also assume your party goers aren't eight-year-olds, dude, so I didn't include "Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer" or "Nuttin' For Christmas." That said, I included the most awkward Christmas song ever –- the collaboration of Bing Crosby and David Bowie on "Peace On Earth/Little Drummer Boy." Your guests will laugh when they hear it. Or leave.

I did not include multiple versions of the same song, even if other versions would be worthy. The songs are in alphabetical order by title. For your listening pleasure, I also made a playlist with whatever songs Playlist.com has. Hit "shuffle," grab some nog, and go nuts.

"All I Want for Christmas is You" by Mariah Carey

"Back Door Santa" by Clarence Carter

"Blue Christmas" by Elvis Presley

"The Chanukah Song" by Adam Sandler

"The Chipmunk Song (Please Christmas Don't Be Late)" by The Chipmunks

"Christmas All Over Again" by Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers

"Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)" by Darlene Love

"Do They Know It's Christmas?" by Band Aid

"(Everybody's Waiting For) The Man With the Bag" by Kay Starr

"Everyday Will Be Like a Holiday" by William Bell

"Frosty the Snowman" by The Ronettes

"Here Comes Santa Claus" by Bob B. Soxx & The Blue Jeans

"I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus" by The Jackson 5

"Jingle Bell Rock" by Bobby Helms

"Jingle Bells" by Wayne Newton

"Last Christmas" by Wham!

"Little Saint Nick" by The Beach Boys

"Mele Kalikimaka" by Bing Crosby

"Merry Christmas Baby" by Lou Rawls

"Merry Christmas, Baby" by The Beach Boys

"A Party for Santa Claus" by Lord Nelson

"Peace on Earth/Little Drummer Boy" by Bing Crosby and David Bowie

"Please Come Home For Christmas" by Charles Brown

"Rock and Roll Christmas" by George Thorogood & The Destroyers

"Rock-a-Billy Christmas" by Big Bad Voodoo Daddy

"Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree" by Brenda Lee

"Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" by The Temptations

"Run Rudolph Run" by Chuck Berry

"Santa Claus is Comin' to Town" by Bruce Springsteen

"Santa's Beard" by The Beach Boys

"Sleigh Ride" by The Ronettes

"What Christmas Means to Me" by Stevie Wonder

"White Christmas" by Otis Redding

"Winter Wonderland" by Darlene Love

Any songs I'm missing?

Retro Video of the Week: "Take On Me" by a-ha

2011-12-08T00:03:00.001-06:00

This still has my vote for the greatest music video of all-time, if I were to have such a vote and there were to be such a poll.

American Horror Story: The Last Three Episodes

2011-12-06T22:37:00.001-06:00

Due to Ace Frehley concerts, trips to Cali, BlackoutWednesday, and laziness, I have been unable to watch the last three episodes ofAmerican Horror Story on their air dates. To top it off, I won't be able to watch tomorrow night's episode becauseI will be getting bombed. Too soon?

Anywho, I got caught up tonight on the last three episodes –"Open House," "Rubber Man," and "Spooky LittleGirl." Here's what we learned:

-Larry and Constance apparently had some sort ofrelationship before Larry burned his family to death. In 1994, Larry murdered Constance's other sonat her behest. This other son waschained to the flood in the attic of the Murder House and looked like somethingbetween Sloth from Goonies and Eric Stoltz in Mask. His name is Beau, not Luke or Coy or Vance.

-Viv is carrying in her womb twins – not the devil, as hadbeen previously surmised.

-A man of Armenian descent is interested in buying theMurder House, probably because Hot Moira give him a BJ. Ghost Bang #1. He wants to tear the Murder House down andbuild condos. Constance tries to convincehim not to buy the house. Moira andLarry use a more effective method. HotMoira bites the Armenian's dick off, and then Larry puts a bag over his headand suffocates him to death. I didn'trealize Hot Moira and Larry were Turks.

-Viv can't even twirl her bean without thinking of Ricky (hemay be getting a full ride to USC, after all), Ben (he is a philanderer, afterall), and Latex Man (he is wearing a full black latex body suit, after all).

-Turns out Larry didn't burn his family to death. His wife did after Larry told her that he wasin love with Constance. Larry reallywants to buy the Murder House because he thinks that will get him back inConstance's pants.

-Back in the day, Dr. Charles apparently reconstructed hischild, Re-Animator style, by inserting a whore's beating heart into hissewn-together infant body. Thaddeus,which is a horrible name for a child, even in the 1920s, wasn't quite normal asa result. It craved blood, notmilk. Dr. Charles's wife, boobs worsefor the wear, killed Dr. Charles and then herself.

-Tate teaches Violet that all you have to do to get ghoststo go away is say "go away." If only we could do the same with Tim Tebow.

-We find out that when Latex Man banged Viv back in like thefirst or second episode when Ben was in a trance. It was, in fact, Tate. So that's rape according to the classicdefinition of the word. Ghost Bang #2.

-We learn that Spock bought the Latex Man suit because hecaught Trainer Banger on some S&M chat room. Spock goes to a bondage store to buysomething to spice up the relationship. Theclerk at the bondage store shows Spock "the ultimate asslock, also knownas the 'apple of anguish.'" THEAPPLE OF ANGUISH. Spock buys the LatexMan suit instead. We get confirmationthat Tate killed Spock and Trainer Banger while wearing the Latex Man suit.

-Hayden shows up again because that's what psycho dead slutsdo. She finds Dr. Charles's wife sobbingon Viv's bed. Dr. Charles's wife, whosename is Nora, has no idea she's dead, despite the fact that she has been thisway for 80 years. Hayden explains what'sgoing on with the Murder House, and the power that comes with being a ghost. She also proposes that she and Nora stealViv's twins. The plan? Make Viv go crazy and then they'll each getone of the babies. It's your textbook"ghosts get the crazy's babies" grift.

-Violet has been playing hooky. With education cutbacks, it's no wonder thetruant officers weren't able to find her sooner.

-The word "hysteria" comes from the Greek word foruterus. Make sense.

-Old Moira tells Viv the Murder House is possessed. Apparently Viv needed a 150-year-old gingerwho morphs between Hot and Old to realize that.

-Tate bangs Violet. GhostBang #3.

-Marcy, the realtor, carries a handgun in her purse. Viv steals it for protection. Thing is, you can't kill a ghost, even ifit's wearing full-body black latex. Provingonce again that no one should carry handguns, Viv accidentally shoots Ben whenhe busts into the bedroom to help her because she's screaming. Ricky shows up, as well as the real cops. Ricky tells the cops that Viv and Ben areestranged. Viv takes some Valium, whichdoesn't help when Hayden and Latex Man come to torment her. Ben and Ricky bust in, and it's just Vivfreaking out. Thus, Viv is taken away toa hospital because of hysteria. Pregnancy brain! Ughhhh!

-In 1947, a dentist lived in the Murder House, where he has ahome-office. Mena Suvari, who looks verymuch like a fetus, shows up to get a filling, if you know what I mean. She's a struggling actress who wants to makeit big. She then becomes the BlackDahlia murder victim. From here on out,to the extent she is relevant, I will refer to her as Black Dahlia because callingher Mena Suvari would destroy me. Anyway, the story goes that the dentist gassed her, then banged her, andthen realized she was dead. Ghost Bang#4? He took her body to the basement, whereDr. Charles stepped in, cut her in half, and gave her the now-famous "BlackDahlia smile."

-Constance – who is a whore, mind you – is also apainter. Her subject matter is a bitmacabre. She makes Travis – her boy toy –walk her dog, which is a dachshund. Hayden sees Travis and seduces him, and bangs him. Ghost Bang #5.

-Black Dahlia shows up to see Ben. Turns out, she's a whore. She wants to trade sex for psychiatrist help.

-Check this shit out: Viv's twins are from DIFFERENT FATHERS. It's rare, but possible. Ben doesn't take this well. He goes to the hospital and accuses adrugged-up Viv of philandering, of all things.

-Ben walks in on Black Dahlia and Hot Moira making out onthe couch. It's pretty awesome, but Bendeclines their invitation to join in, which is odd, given that he's aphilanderer. No Double Ghost Bang. He tells Black Dahlia he can no longer treather, and he fires Hot Moira. After heand Hot Moira leave the room, Hayden walks in and tells Black Dahlia that she'sdead and that her murder was famous. Shedid make it big!

-Constance asks Travis to marry her. Jesus Christ, he's like 22 and she's like 60. He says he's not so sure, and she tells himhe's never going to make it in Hollywood. She's very rude. He leaves andgoes to bang Hayden in the basement of the Murder House. Ghost Bang #6. She doesn't come, so she stabs him to death. Thank God I don't have sex with ghosts. They mutilate and dispose of him Black Dahliastyle, with Larry's help.

-Ben hits the panic button so that Ricky comes over. He does, very quickly. He is a star running back, after all. Ben accuses Ricky of philandering, of all things. Ricky reveals that he shoots blanks, so thesecond baby can't be his. Damn. I was looking forward to an "Ebony andIvory" sonogram montage.

-Ben has some sort of paranormal breakthrough while talkingto Moira. Suddenly, he no longer seesher as Hot Moira, but rather as Old Moira. Shit.

-Billie Dee, the lovable psychic, tells Constance that whena new Pope is chosen, he is shown a small box with the secret of the end of theworld – the precise nature of the anti-Christ. This is the reverse Immaculate Conception, a human chick impregnated bya demon. Awwww shit.

-Southern Comfort Fiery Pepper sounds like an awful idea.

We are left with the following questions:

1. Why do Constance andLarry want to keep the house standing so bad?

2. Do you call themclerks if they work at bondage stores?

3. Would the State ofCalifornia give a crazy woman's twins to two ghosts?

4. What's it like tobang a ghost? Dry, I'm guessing.

5. Now that Ben canno longer see Hot Moira, does that mean the rest of us are deprived?

6. So is Viv havingthe devil's baby after all? How willthat little devil get along with his or her fully human twin?

7. Hayden: what a bitch, right?

8. How will Viv reactwhen she finds out one of her twins is fathered by a 17-year-old ghost who isin love with her daughter?

9. How will Violetreact when she finds out one of her twin siblings is father by a 17-year-oldwho is in love with her?

10. How is Tate goingto pay child support? He's a ghost, not tomention a murderer. Not even Carl's, Jr.wants to deal with that.

Tuesday Top Ten: Sketch Comedy Shows I Saw This Weekend

2011-12-06T20:06:00.001-06:00

By the title of this post, you would probably assume that Isaw at least ten sketch comedy shows this weekend. I did not. I am essentially using the Tuesday Top Ten as a vehicle to promote ahilarious sketch comedy show that I saw Saturday night. Thus, here is my top ten list:

10. None

9. None

8. None

7. None

6. None

5. None

4. None

3. None

2. None

1. Urlakis andCusick.

Urlakis andCusick is a two-man sketch comedy show at Chicago's Stage 773 Theater (1225W. Belmont). I know Sean Cusick fromSecond City. He directed two of theshows for which I was a writer. He has awonderfully dark sense of humor. I don'tknow Dave Urlakis, but he also appears to have a wonderfully dark sense ofhumor. The show itself is about an hour. It's fast-paced, and there is not a badsketch in the lot. I was laughingthroughout.

It only runs for two more weeks, Saturday nights at10:30 (i.e., 12/10 and 12/17), so I highly recommend you go see it while youstill have the chance.

Best Band of Our Generation: We Have a Winner!

2011-12-05T21:10:00.001-06:00

After two months of blood, sweat, and voting, you have chosen the Best Band of Our Generation. In the finals, 7-seed Guns N' Roses edges 5-seed Def Leppard by a 52% to 48% margin. Thanks to everyone who voted. Apparently my seeding ability is less than perfect. Stay tuned for the next bracket, details and timing to be determined. By vote. By me.

(For details and background about the Best Band of Our Generation countdown, click here.)

Here are the results so far. Winners are in green.

Finals
5. Def Leppard (1980)
7. Guns N' Roses (1987) (52%)

Semifinals

24. Mötley Crüe (1981)

5. Def Leppard (1980) (86%)

11. Weezer (1994)

7. Guns N' Roses (1987) (67%)

Quarterfinals

1. U2 (1980)

24. Mötley Crüe (1981) (56%)

5. Def Leppard (1980) (57%)

4. Metallica (1983)

14. Huey Lewis and The News (1980)

11. Weezer (1994) (72%)

7. Guns N' Roses (1987) (57%)

2. Pearl Jam (1991)

Round 2

1. U2 (1980) (57%)

16. Foo Fighters (1995)

24. Mötley Crüe (1981) (60%)

8. Nirvana (1989)

5. Def Leppard (1980) (63%)

12. Bon Jovi (1984)

20. The White Stripes (1999)

4. Metallica (1983) (83%)

30. Stone Temple Pilots (1992)

14. Huey Lewis and The News (1980) (80%)

11. Weezer (1994) (75%)

6. Beastie Boys (1982)

7. Guns N' Roses (1987) (60%)

23. Iron Maiden (1980)

15. Green Day (1990)

2. Pearl Jam (1991) (100%)

Round 1

1. U2 (1980) (60%)

32. The Pixies (1987)

16. Foo Fighters (1995) (75%)

17. The Cure (1980)

9. Red Hot Chili Peppers (1984)

24. Mötley Crüe (1981) (80%)

8. Nirvana (1989) (67%)

25. The Black Crowes (1990)

5. Def Leppard (1980) (86%)

28. Poison (1986)

12. Bon Jovi (1984) (100%)

21. Depeche Mode (1981)

13. Dave Matthews Band (1994)

20. The White Stripes (1999) (80%)

4. Metallica (1983) (100%)

29. Soundgarden (1988)

3. R.E.M. (1982)

30. Stone Temple Pilots (1992) (60%)

14. Huey Lewis and The News (1980) (67%)

19. Duran Duran (1981)

11. Weezer (1994) (80%)

22. Rage Against the Machine (1992)

6. Beastie Boys (1982) (80%)

27. Nine Inch Nails (1989)

7. Guns N' Roses (1987) (83%)

26. Smashing Pumpkins (1991)

10. Radiohead (1993)

23. Iron Maiden (1980) (75%)

15. Green Day (1990) (75%)

18. The Pretenders (1980)

2. Pearl Jam (1991) (80%)

31. Oasis (1994)

Damn You Auto Correct

2011-12-04T19:30:00.001-06:00

As a recent converter to an iPhone, I am generally pleased, especially after my Blackberry began shutting down and completely draining the battery every time I tried to use the internet or make a call. Anyway, one of the features on the iPhone that is both great and annoying is the auto correct feature that corrects or suggests words while you type text messages or emails. It's generally awesome because it's kind of hard to type with precision on the iPhone. The problem is that if you type the word you want and there is an auto correct suggestion, and then you press the Space button, it automatically changes it to the auto correct word. Also, it remembers words or names that you have previously typed, so if you use a weird long word, it will suggest that word in the future when you type something similar.

All of this is to help provide some context to a link Gregerson sent me the other day to a website called Damn You Auto Correct, which posts hilarious submissions of auto correct gone wrong. The link he sent had the 25 Funniest DYAC's of the year. I was laughing out loud at most of these. Enjoy.

Listen to Hair Band Friday - 12/2/11

2011-12-02T13:25:00.001-06:00

Retro Video of the Week: "Cannonball" by The Breeders

2011-11-30T21:28:00.001-06:00

Growing up, I didn't have cable, so whenever I went over to a friend's house or babysat, I mostly watched MTV. Of course, there were other non-cable music video programs, like Friday Night Videos and another one that seemed to be on after school a lot, the name of which escapes me. Anywho, since MTV has turned its focus from music to degos and pregnant teenagers, the music video seems to have lost some of its luster. I think that's bullshit. Thus, each week, I will be celebrating the golden age of music videos – from MTV's founding in 1981 to 2000, when I graduated from college and MTV really started moving away from videos – by posting a video from that time range. I won't necessarily be commenting on every video, but I may now and then. Here's the first one, "Cannonball" by The Breeders, which I watched last week for some reason and remembered how awesome of a song it is. I also remember thinking the Deal sisters were probably hot, but I could never totally be sure because the camera is never on one shot long enough.

Tuesday Top Ten: Jailbait Songs

2011-11-29T22:59:00.001-06:00

Given the recent allegations that have come to light regarding Jerry Sandusky and Bernie Fine, it seems timely to have a Tuesday Top Ten about thoughts of inappropriate touching. In the rock and roll world, there has long been a coveting of younger women, be it Jerry Lee Lewis marrying his 13-year-old cousin or Jimmy Page's relationship in the '70s with a teenage Lori Maddox. Oddly, it's not that unusual for songs to be written about jailbait.

So what constitutes a "jailbait song"? It has to be sung by someone over 18 about someone under 18. Thus, Another Bad Creation's hit "Iesha" doesn't qualify because both the boys in the group and Iesha were under 18. All that is is adorable.

So anyway, here are my top ten jailbait songs, along with their creepiest lines.

10 (tie). "Good Morning Little Schoolgirl" by The Yardbirds (1961) (cover of a 1937 Sonny Boy Williamson song)

"Good morning little schoolgirl / Good morning little schoolgirl / Can I go home with you?" No.

10 (tie). "Goin' Blind" by Kiss (1974)

"Little lady can't you see / You're so young and so much different than I / I'm 93, you're 16." When I was your age, Grover Cleveland was president. Now take off your corset and bang me.

9. "You're Sixteen" by Ringo Starr (1974) (cover of a 1960 Johnny Burnette song)

"You're 16 / You're beautiful / And you're mine." On the bright side, there is a kazoo.

8. "Little Queenie" by Chuck Berry (1959)

"She's too cute / To be a minute over seventeen / Meanwhile I was thinkin' / She's in the mood." This was the a-side to a song called "Almost Grown." Not even kidding.

7. "Jailbait" by Motorhead (1980)

"Teenage baby you're a sweet young thing / Still tied to Mommy's apron strings / I don't even dare to ask your age / It's enough to know you're here backstage / You're jailbait, and I just can't wait." I love Lemmy.

6. "Young Girl" by Gary Puckett and The Union Gap (1968)

"Young girl, get out my mind / My love for you is way out of line." At least he recognizes that.

5. "16 Candles" by The Crests (1958)

"You're only 16 / But your my teenage queen." To this guy's credit, at least he waited until the day she turned 16 to start signing about her.

4. "Dancing Queen" by Abba (1976)

"You are the dancing queen / Young and sweet / Only 17." There's no reason a 17-year-old girl needs to be out clubbing, even in Sweden where I assume everyone is very nice.

3. "Christine Sixteen" by Kiss (1977)

"I don't usually say things like this to girls your age, but when I saw you coming out of the school that day, that day I knew, I knew, I've got to have you, I've got to have you." Why was Gene Simmons hanging out outside a high school?

2. "I Saw Her Standing There" by The Beatles (1963)

"Well she was just 17 / You know what I mean." I don't, Paul.

1. "Seventeen" by Winger (1988)

"Daddy says she's too young / But she's old enough for me." Great song.

Any other songs Humbert Humbert would like that I missed?

Undefeated After Week 13

2011-11-28T20:05:00.001-06:00

The Hoosiers ended their disaster of a season by getting jobbed by therefs on a late call that gave the ball to Purdue as IU was driving to tie thegame. Apparently in the Big Ten, when awide receiver comes down with the ball and then the defender takes it out ofthe wide receiver's hands on the ground, that's an interception. And it's not reviewable. No matter. At least the Hoosiers and their fans didn't have to drive back to WestLafayette like the Purdue players and fans did. Thus, IU wins in the broader sense.

Unfortunately, it looks like LSU and Alabama are going to beplaying in the BCS championship game, barring LSU losing to Georgia thisSaturday in the SEC championship game. The BCS needs to change its rules so that if there are two or fewerundefeated teams, those teams automatically play in the BCS championshipgame. Assuming Houston wins the C-USAchampionship game this weekend, they at least deserve a shot at playing theonly other undefeated team. Instead, wewill get to watch a rematch of an overtime game whose only scoring plays werefield goals. If Alabama beats LSU, arethey really the best team in the country? The teams would have split their games 1-1, with LSU winning at Alabamaand Alabama winning on neutral ground. This is why the BCS sucks.

Here is a breakdown of the undefeated teams and each team'sremaining game (rankings are BCS rankings):

#1 LSU (11-0)

12/3 – SEC Championship game vs. Georgia (10-2) (.833)

#8 Houston (11-0)

12/3 – Conference USA Championship game vs. SouthernMiss (10-2) (.833)

Best Band of Our Generation: Finals!

2011-11-28T20:01:00.001-06:00

And then there were two. Guns N' Roses took Weezer down by a 67% to 33% margin, setting up an all-hair-band final: 5-seed Def Leppard against 7-seed Guns N' Roses. I'm so proud of all of you. You have one week to vote. Now get to it!

(For details and background about the Best Band of Our Generation countdown, click here.)

Here are the results so far. Winners are in green.

Finals
5. Def Leppard (1980)
7. Guns N' Roses (1987)

Semifinals

24. Mötley Crüe (1981)

5. Def Leppard (1980) (86%)

11. Weezer (1994)

7. Guns N' Roses (1987) (67%)

Quarterfinals

1. U2 (1980)

24. Mötley Crüe (1981) (56%)

5. Def Leppard (1980) (57%)

4. Metallica (1983)

14. Huey Lewis and The News (1980)

11. Weezer (1994) (72%)

7. Guns N' Roses (1987) (57%)

2. Pearl Jam (1991)

Round 2

1. U2 (1980) (57%)

16. Foo Fighters (1995)

24. Mötley Crüe (1981) (60%)

8. Nirvana (1989)

5. Def Leppard (1980) (63%)

12. Bon Jovi (1984)

20. The White Stripes (1999)

4. Metallica (1983) (83%)

30. Stone Temple Pilots (1992)

14. Huey Lewis and The News (1980) (80%)

11. Weezer (1994) (75%)

6. Beastie Boys (1982)

7. Guns N' Roses (1987) (60%)

23. Iron Maiden (1980)

15. Green Day (1990)

2. Pearl Jam (1991) (100%)

Round 1

1. U2 (1980) (60%)

32. The Pixies (1987)

16. Foo Fighters (1995) (75%)

17. The Cure (1980)

9. Red Hot Chili Peppers (1984)

24. Mötley Crüe (1981) (80%)

8. Nirvana (1989) (67%)

25. The Black Crowes (1990)

5. Def Leppard (1980) (86%)

28. Poison (1986)

12. Bon Jovi (1984) (100%)

21. Depeche Mode (1981)

13. Dave Matthews Band (1994)

20. The White Stripes (1999) (80%)

4. Metallica (1983) (100%)

29. Soundgarden (1988)

3. R.E.M. (1982)

30. Stone Temple Pilots (1992) (60%)

14. Huey Lewis and The News (1980) (67%)

19. Duran Duran (1981)

11. Weezer (1994) (80%)

22. Rage Against the Machine (1992)

6. Beastie Boys (1982) (80%)

27. Nine Inch Nails (1989)

7. Guns N' Roses (1987) (83%)

26. Smashing Pumpkins (1991)

10. Radiohead (1993)

23. Iron Maiden (1980) (75%)

15. Green Day (1990) (75%)

18. The Pretenders (1980)

2. Pearl Jam (1991) (80%)

31. Oasis (1994)

Purdue Sucks at Math. And Basketball. And Life.

2011-11-23T00:27:00.001-06:00

Sorry, there will be no Tuesday Top Ten this week. It's time to spew some venom.

It's Old Oaken Bucket week, which means it's your annual reminder that I hate Purdue University more than a bag full of donkey dicks with gonorrhea (and, by the transitive property, more than AIDS). I will be attending Saturday's game (3:30 Eastern, Big Ten Network), where my 1-10 Hoosiers will have a chance to eliminate the 5-6 Boilermakers from bowl contention. I could think of no better end to an otherwise miserable season.

Did you know that the first words those Purdue football players who are able to express themselves orally say when they get to Bloomington is "whasat?" That's the sun. "What're them?" Those are girls without muffin tops. "Is this heaven?" Yes. That's why you don't belong here.

As we all know, Purdue is a barren, fetid wasteland, flanked by manure and industrial stench, where mouth-breathing Morlocks shuffle through campus in clothes that are purposely the color of urine. Purdue and the horrible city in which it's located continue to give normally pigmented people like me fodder, be it the fact that their university was started by a man who IU refused to hire (presumably due to the ear hair, the chicken he always carried around, and his inability to end a sentence without "wait, what's that noise?"), the giant fan that the city bought to mitigate the ever-present stench of human waste, the alumni association video that asked alumni to give even only five dollars (which for most grads is more than they make in a week) that was so unbearable it was removed from YouTube by its creator, the letter to the editor of Purdue's student newspaper complaining about how "[w]omen at Purdue are too fat," the time Purdue offensive linemen decided to take a group picture in their Speedos, men's basketball coaches who look like Goonies characters (and not the attractive ones), a pregnant Purdue chick drinking a Natty Ice, Purdue students' willingness to smell manure, or everything else about that glorified two-year technical college.

Well, they've done it again. For some reason, these people like to brag about their school's basketball history – one that includes no men's NCAA championships, no men's Final Fours since the Carter administration, and Carson Cunningham. For Christ's sake (by the way, these people continue to believe in God), their "greatest recruiting class ever" didn't even make it past the Sweet 16.

They've, for some reason, decided to make a t-shirt for the rededication of Mackey Arena – a basketball arena that is most famous for its lack of national championship banners. Here are two pictures of the t-shirt. (Thanks to Hess for the link.)

"Rebirth of an Icon?" An icon of what? Mediocrity? Helmets of hair? Stephanie McCarty? Purdue is, at best, the sixth best basketball program in Big Ten history. In case it isn't obvious from the shirt, these dung beetles have combined their men's and women's basketball achievements, from both before and after Mackey Arena was in existence. How can you pay homage to an arena whose best team was worse than Butler's second-best team?

And grammatically, the shirt is a disaster. Why. are. there. periods. in. between. words? You know why? A lack of command of the English language. I suppose that'll happen when your first language is "ag."

Also, unless you win a tournament, you're not a national champion. For Purdue, their women's basketball team did actually win the 1999 NCAA championship. The students then RIOTED. Couches were burned. Riot gear was donned. In East Lansing, that's a Wednesday. On the less successful men's side, Purdue's only "national championship" is the 1932 Helms Athletic Foundation national championship. Do you know what that is? Absolutely nothing. The Helms Athletic Foundation was founded in 1936, and retroactively declared who it thought was the best team in college basketball going back to 1901 and naming them "national champions." By that measure, IU has at least two more national titles (1975 and 1993). For the record, the Purdue men's basketball team has won only one post-season tournament, the 1974 NIT. Why that wasn't included on the t-shirt is beyond me. Then again, I abide by the rules of logic and history.

In sum, during this Oaken Bucket weekend, you should remember that, no matter what happens in the game, people at IU don't have neckbeards. They don't major in animal husbandry. They don't whistle to communicate. While IU may not win this game, sweet fucking Christ, at least we didn't spend four years in the single most miserable place on the planet. In case I wasn't clear, fuck Purdue. Go Hoosiers. Oh, and Happy Thanksgiving to you and yours.

Career Builder is Trying to Tell Me Something

2011-11-21T19:52:00.001-06:00

I haven't used Career Builder in 5 or 6 years, but every nowand then I will get an email from them with a job posting. None of the job postings ever have anythingto do with what I do. I got one theother day. The subject line said"Elgin Community College is Interested in People Like YOU." Oh really? I like the show Community, so I opened the email. It said, "We think this position may beof interest to you based on your experience and qualifications." The position? "Custodian I (Third Shift)." Burn.

Granted, I did spend two summers during college workingas a janitor at a high school, but I left that one off my resume. Regardless, most of my time was spent nappingin the gymnasium gym, watching bootleg videos of the first South Park short(Jesus vs. Santa), playing basketball against the full-time janitors (andgetting smoked every day), smoking, and watching my co-worker lose a bet andstrip the wax off of a floor without a shirt on, wearing a bow tie, only tohave our rotund female supervisor walk in. It was pretty much the best job I've ever had. I guess after being a janitor at a highschool, community college is the next logical step, with the end goal of oneday janitoring in the pros. What hurtsthe most about this email is that Career Builder clearly believes my"experience and qualifications" don't merit an 8-4 position, or evena 4-midnight position.

Undefeated After Week 12

2011-11-21T19:50:00.001-06:00

The Hoosiers returned to their usual ways, helping Michigan State clinch the Big Ten Leaders Division title. Amazingly, that wasn't the biggest story in college football this weekend. #2 Oklahoma State lost for the first time this season, and three other top 10 one-loss teams lost (#4 Oregon, #5 Oklahoma, and #7 Clemson).

Now, for the first time in BCS history, the top 3 teams are from the same conference (and the same division within that conference, for that matter): #1 LSU, #2 Alabama, and #3 Arkansas. Of course, LSU and Arkansas play this weekend, so one of those teams is probably out of the championship discussion after this weekend. This is horrible news because it puts Alabama in the driver's seat for the #2 BCS ranking, even though it won't even win its division in the SEC. Outside of Louisiana and Alabama, no one wants to see a rematch of LSU and Alabama in the BCS championship game. More field goals!

Frankly, if LSU and Houston are the only unbeaten teams at the end of the regular season, they should play in the BCS championship game. But they won't because the BCS is fatally flawed to favor teams from BCS conferences. Think about that match-up, though. LSU's stifling defense against Case Keenum and Houston's insane offense. Pipe dreams I'm sure, but as the last few weeks have proven, anything is possible this year.

Here is what I would like to happen:

-LSU loses to Arkansas

-Alabama loses to Auburn

-Arkansas loses to Georgia in the SEC championship game

-Oklahoma State beats Oklahoma

-Stanford beats Notre Dame

-Virginia Tech loses to Clemson in the ACC championship game

-Houston and Boise State win out

This would leave Houston as the only undefeated team and LSU, Oklahoma State, Stanford, and Boise State as the only one-loss teams.

Here is a breakdown of the undefeated teams and each team's remaining games (rankings are BCS rankings):

#1 LSU (11-0)

11/25 – #3 Arkansas (10-1)

12/3 – SEC Championship game vs. Georgia (9-2)

Remaining opponents' combined record: 19-3 (.864)

#8 Houston (11-0)

11/25 – at Tulsa (8-3)

12/3 – Conference USA Championship game (TBD)

Remaining opponents' combined record: 8-3 (.727)

Newly Discovered Doors Song

2011-11-20T20:58:00.001-06:00

As you may know, I love The Doors. In January, Rhino is set to issue a 40th anniversary version of the L.A. Woman album. The reissue with be two discs and will feature some alternate takes of songs on the album, as well as a song called "She Smells So Nice" that producer Bruce Botnik recently discovered. Click here to hear a 30-second clip of the song. (Thanks to Bonham for the link.) It sounds like the booze-soaked blues that The Doors liked to play. The only thing I don't like is that the clip ends right when it sounds like Morrison is about to go nuts.

Best Band of Our Generation: Semifinals Update

2011-11-20T20:49:00.001-06:00

Def Leppard puts an end to 24-seed Mötley Crüe's Cinderella run, plowing its way into the finals with an 86% to 14% victory. Semifinal #2 pits 11-seed Weezer against 7-seed Guns N' Roses. You have until next Sunday to vote. Make your Thanksgiving a rockin' one.

(For details and background about the Best Band of Our Generation countdown, click here.)

Here are the results so far. Winners are in green.

Semifinals

24. Mötley Crüe (1981)

5. Def Leppard (1980) (86%)

11. Weezer (1994)

7. Guns N' Roses (1987)

Quarterfinals

1. U2 (1980)

24. Mötley Crüe (1981) (56%)

5. Def Leppard (1980) (57%)

4. Metallica (1983)

14. Huey Lewis and The News (1980)

11. Weezer (1994) (72%)

7. Guns N' Roses (1987) (57%)

2. Pearl Jam (1991)

Round 2

1. U2 (1980) (57%)

16. Foo Fighters (1995)

24. Mötley Crüe (1981) (60%)

8. Nirvana (1989)

5. Def Leppard (1980) (63%)

12. Bon Jovi (1984)

20. The White Stripes (1999)

4. Metallica (1983) (83%)

30. Stone Temple Pilots (1992)

14. Huey Lewis and The News (1980) (80%)

11. Weezer (1994) (75%)

6. Beastie Boys (1982)

7. Guns N' Roses (1987) (60%)

23. Iron Maiden (1980)

15. Green Day (1990)

2. Pearl Jam (1991) (100%)

Round 1

1. U2 (1980) (60%)

32. The Pixies (1987)

16. Foo Fighters (1995) (75%)

17. The Cure (1980)

9. Red Hot Chili Peppers (1984)

24. Mötley Crüe (1981) (80%)

8. Nirvana (1989) (67%)

25. The Black Crowes (1990)

5. Def Leppard (1980) (86%)

28. Poison (1986)

12. Bon Jovi (1984) (100%)

21. Depeche Mode (1981)

13. Dave Matthews Band (1994)

20. The White Stripes (1999) (80%)

4. Metallica (1983) (100%)

29. Soundgarden (1988)

3. R.E.M. (1982)

30. Stone Temple Pilots (1992) (60%)

14. Huey Lewis and The News (1980) (67%)

19. Duran Duran (1981)

11. Weezer (1994) (80%)

22. Rage Against the Machine (1992)

6. Beastie Boys (1982) (80%)

27. Nine Inch Nails (1989)

7. Guns N' Roses (1987) (83%)

26. Smashing Pumpkins (1991)

10. Radiohead (1993)

23. Iron Maiden (1980) (75%)

15. Green Day (1990) (75%)

18. The Pretenders (1980)

2. Pearl Jam (1991) (80%)

31. Oasis (1994)

Listen to Hair Band Friday - 11/18/11

2011-11-18T13:25:00.001-06:00

American Horror Story: Piggy Piggy

2011-11-17T22:34:00.001-06:00

Praise be to Buddha for allowing WiFi on planes, so that Icould watch last week's American Horror Story on my way back from Xanadu. I'm still one episode behind, but things couldbe worse. I could be wearing patchouli.

Jester told me not to write such long recaps of AmericanHorror Story. Maybe I won't in thefuture, but I'm on a long flight sitting between two idiots who hopefully can't read. I havenothing else to do.

When we last spoke about American Horror Story, Viv wasbooting Ben from the Murder House, which you might expect, since he's anabortion-hiding philanderer and all. Wealso learned that Tate is Constance's son, and he may or may not be thereincarnation of someone who murdered a bunch of high school classmates in oraround 1994, which is too bad because that was an awesome time to be in high school. Ace of Base was telling us not to turn around, a man named Coolio was taking us on a fantastic voyage, and no one had to watch Tim Tebow attempt to quarterback a National Football League team.

1994. In the Westfield HighSchool library some students are studying (orwhatever it is students pretend to do in the library), when shots ring out. Some guy with long hair a leather jacket runsinto the library, closes the door, and barricades it shut with a rollinglibrary cart. He is obviously on theside of good in the metal vs. grunge debate. A preppy and a cheerleader are all, "What gives?" A chick who was probably reallyinto L7 is all, "What's up with what's goin' down?" MetalGuy (who was definitely one of the ghosts who messed with Tate in the lastepisode) tells them that someone is shooting up the school. The idiots don't lock another door. Tate shoots through it, paralyzing a teacherwho probably should have been teaching a class instead of hanging out with apreppy, a cheerleader, and an alternative chick in the library. Tate then finds L7 in the stacks. She's all, "Aaaaaaa-andre. IIIIIIII'm sorry." Then Tate shoot her in the head. She no longer needs to pretend that she's dead. (Great fucking song, by the way.) Next up is Metal Guy, unfortunately. Not even a choice taste in music and a heartof gold are a match for a shotgun. Meanwhile,a nerd grabs the phone at the circulation desk, which begs the question: where the fuck is Conan the Librarian? Seems like he would have been a goodhire. Tate finds the nerd, who's all,"Don't you know the Dewey Decimal system?" Tate's all, "It's all Library ofCongress now. You should know that. Nerd." Shotgun blasts are heard. Preppydecides he's going to put a stop to this. He emerges from beneath a table and tells Tate to stop. Tate promptly kills him. Cheerleader PISSES HERSELF. Rookie mistake. She dies.

At the Murder House (still in 1994), the SWAT team bumrushesTate's bedroom (now Violet's). Tate isdisrespectful, but we don't find out what happened right then. Later on, we find out he grabbed a gun andthe SWAT team mowed him down. He didn'tget a chance to say why he did it.

Back to the present day. Violet is searching the Westfield High Massacre, and she seems that Tateis the murderer. W. T. F? Teenage dating is hard enough,but add in a mass murderer who has been dead for 17 years, and you might aswell shutter your vagina until you get to Sarah Lawrence.

Constance is in Violet's kitchen when Violet is freakingout. Constance tells Violet it's thehouse, then introduces her to Billie Dean Howard, some chick who is NOTendorsing Colt .45 or saving Han Solo's ass. Billie Dee is a medium, although she does not appear to be anArquette. She asks Violet, "Do youthink I wanted a bloody Mexican ghost in my bathroom?" Apparently, this was not a rhetoricalquestion. Billie Dee explains thatViolet is a medium, who must help Tate understand that he's dead. Violet is understandably all, "Where'sAshton Kutcher?" Billie Dee's all,"Who's Mary?" Mary is Violet'sdead grandma. Damn. Billie Dee cuts to the bone. Violet runs out crying.

Back at the Murder House, Viv has a nightmare about thegiant baby festering in her womb. Shewakes up, takes off her wedding ring, and hits the security panic button sothat Ricky comes over. You canunderstand the attraction. Sure, Rickymay have a baby out of wedlock even though he's a senior at Crenshaw, but hishead's on straight, and he's a good enough running back to make it out of Compton,unlike his older brother Doughboy. Anyway, Ricky reveals that his ex-wife is a dyke.

Ben shows up. Rickyleaves. Viv turns stone cold. She explains to Ben that he is only to be inthe house to see patients, but that their marriage is through.

Violet is upstairs contemplating suicide. Oopsies!

Guess who Ben's new patient is? Fucking Cam from Modern Family! Things must not be going well with Mitchell(who can be a bit of a curmudgeon) because Cam is terrified of urban legends –particularly Piggy Man. Apparently,Piggy Man is a hog butcher from 1890s Chicago who had an authentic pig mask andkilled his victims by butchering them and draining them over bathtubs. If you stand in front of a mirror with thelights off and say "Here piggy piggy," he shows up and butchersyou. For free! I do that pretty much every time I'm in frontof a mirror and nothing has ever happened, other than feelings of shame.

Being the caring twat that she is, Constance brings some piginnards to Viv to help combat morning sickness. Yeah, that should do it. OldMoira fries that shit up for the Viv, aside from the pancreas, which of courseshould be eaten raw. Doctors are alwaystelling pregnant chicks to eat raw meats.

Meanwhile, Ben does what any well-educated psychiatrist does. He makes Cam do the Piggy Man in the mirrorin the upstairs bathroom in the Murder House. Cam doesn't make it though the last "piggy," but sees a deadwoman nonetheless. He declares himself"broken." Damn you, Mitchell!

Violet heads to the library where Tate killed those kids andruns into the paralyzed teacher, looking for answers. The teacher is a little ornery. He offers nothing but anger.

Back at the Murder House, Moira serves up something for Vivfor dinner. Raw brain. Jesus. Admittedly, the sight of a pregnant chick devouring an animal brain gaveme a plumpy. I also vomited profusely. Wasn't the first time those happenedsimultaneously.

Violet returns home and sees Tate head into the basement,which I still think the Harmons should finish. Down there, she runs into all of the ghosts that haunt the house. The ginger twins. Dr. Charles. The nurse who was murdered. Thecopycat killers who were murdered. It'sa bit more than she can handle. So shegoes up to her room and pops a bunch of anti-anxiety pills she got from thatchick who bullied her in the first episode who got her face scratched by Tatein the basement. Tate finds Violet,drags her into the bathroom, and makes her puke. By the way, before any toddler steps foot onan airplane, he or she should be drugged and muzzled. I'm looking your way, FAA.

Viv goes to a church to meet the ultrasound tech who faintedwhen giving Viv an ultrasound. The techinforms Viv that she saw the "unclean thing" in Viv's womb. The devil. Great. Add that to the list, Viv.

Ben tells Cam to man up, go home, and say the Piggy Manmantra in his bathroom mirror (why is it always in a bathroom?) so that Cam canask out some chick from accounting and bring her back to his place to bang herwithout her wondering why the mirrors are covered. Cam does this, which turns out to be a bit ofa gaffe because two burglars are in the house, and one of them is hiding in theshower. He shoots Cam in the head. His worst nightmares came true. Great advice, Ben.

Back at Constance's place, Billie Dee tells Constance thatAddie is mad at her. "The dead canhold a grudge better than most Scorpios." I highly doubt that, Billie Dee. There are kids I played with when I was three who I would slap in themouth right now if I saw them because they didn't share. Anyway, through Billie Dee, Constance tellsAddie how much she loves her and all that shit.

As the episode ends, Tate enters Violet's bedroom. He's all, "I love you." They spoon, which is pretty weak for a guywho's been dead for 17 years.

We are left with the following questions:

1. If Tate has been15 or 16 since 1994 and hasn't aged, how the hell hasn't he realized he's dead?

2. Will Ricky get a700 or better on his SAT?

3. How bad isMitchell gonna freak when he walks into the bathroom to find Cam dead on thefloor? And where was Lily during allthis?

4. Where was LatexMan?

5. Does Billie Deeknow anything about Scorpios?

6. Who would win in afight, Piggy Man or Candy Man? Both arefrom Chicago, with Piggy Man hailing from the Stockyards and Candy Man hailingfrom Cabrini Green. Both are summoned inthe bathroom. Both have a flair for thedramatic. Both are unable to be reasonedwith. Fuck Pacquiao/Mayweather. This is the fight I want to see.

7. What's withRosemary's Baby growing at an exponential rate in Viv's uterus? Does that mean Ben is the devil? Why wasn't there some freaky, druggy orgywhere the devil impregnated Viv while the neighbors watched? As far as I know, that's how a devil baby isconceived.

8. Has the AMAweighed in whether pregnant women should be eating raw pig pancreas and brain?

9. How will Ben winViv back? I bet it's with a Lexus with agiant bow on it.

10. Will Violet havethe heart to tell Tate he's dead? If so,how will he react? Violently is myguess.

Tuesday Top Ten: Fictional Bands

2011-11-17T00:13:00.001-06:00

I meant to post this Tuesday, but due to circumstances well within my control that I botched, it didn't happen. Also, I realize that I am now two episodes behind on American Horror Story. With Ace Frehley last Wednesday and a trip to Xanadu today, I have some catching up to do. We'll see what I can do over the next few days. But I digress.

Every now and then, you're watching a movie or TV, and there's a band in the show. They're not real, other than in your vivid, sometimes confusing dreams. I like music and I like TV and movies. I also like fake band names.

Thus, I will list my top ten favorite fictional bands from movies and TV shows. In this list, I am excluding cartoons (no Josie & The Pussycats), as well as bands that released actual albums (aside from soundtracks) or toured extensively (so The Blues Brothers, Spinal Tap, Otis Day & The Knights, The Brady Bunch, and The Partridge Family don't count). Basically, I'm trying to limit it to bands that, for the most part, only appear within the movie or TV show.

Here's my list:

Honorable Mention: Chemical Toilet (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia), The Late Term Abortions (Summer of Sam), Kathleen Turner Overdrive (High Fidelity), The Heights (The Heights), Jesse & The Rippers (Full House), Autobahn (The Big Lebowski), Scrantonicity (The Office), California Dreams (California Dreams), Eddie and the Cruisers (Eddie and the Cruisers), Marvin Berry & The Starlighters (Back to the Future), Citizen Dick (Singles), Wyld Stallyns (Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure (and Bogus Journey)), Loveburger (Can't Hardly Wait), Sir Smoke-a-Lot (Half Baked), the band from Empire Records

10. Hot Sundae (Saved By The Bell)
With the ferocious hit song "Go For It" (and corresponding video) and a killer cover of The Pointer Sisters' "I'm So Excited," it's not difficult this girl group would have risen through the pop ranks, were it not for one of their member's drug problems.

9. Crucial Taunt (Wayne's World)
Much of my love for Crucial Taunt has to do with the fact that Tia Carrere is the lead singer. And her name was Cassandra. In addition to "Why You Wanna Break My Heart," they do a great version of "Ballroom Blitz."

8. The Folksmen (A Mighty Wind, SNL, Return of Spinal Tap)
Christopher Guest, Michael McKean, and Harry Shearer might be better known as bandmates in the fictional metal band Spinal Tap (which is excluded for reasons discussed above), but they also did a hell of a job on the other end of the musical spectrum as the folk group, The Folksmen, which started off as a Saturday Night Live sketch in 1982 and ended up being the centerpiece of the 2003 mockumentary A Might Wind. That was a long sentence.

7. Sexual Chocolate (Coming to America)
First of all, what an awesome band name. Second, there's something about Sexual Chocolate lead singer Randy Watson singing "Greatest Love of All" that brings a smile to my face.

6. The Wonders (or The Oneders) (That Thing You Do!)
It's not enough that Tom Hanks is a giant movie star or that he co-starred in the greatest sitcom every about two guys who dress up as chicks so that they can have a place to live, but he also writes movies and songs quite well. He not only wrote the 1996 film That Thing You Do!, but he also wrote The Wonders' Beatles-esque hit song of the same name from the movie. It's catchy as hell. I also think Jimmy treats Faye like shit, and Guy Patterson deserves her more than Jimmy.

5. CB4 (CB4)
In his first post-SNL film, Chris Rock hit a home run by playing the identity-stealing rapper MC Gusto, who sang such hits as "Sweat of My Balls" and "Straight Outta Locash."

4. Electric Dream Machine (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia)
This is still probably my favorite It's Always Sunny episode. Electric Dream Machine, comprised of Charlie and Dennis, bring to life Charlie's "Dayman."

Dayman - watch more funny videos

3. The Zack Attack (Saved By The Bell)
A group of friends forms a band. They are discovered by record producer Brian Fate while he happens to be running by while the band is rehearsing. They get signed and their rise to fame is meteoric, on the strength of songs like "Friends Forever" and "Did We Ever Have a Chance." Internal tensions mount, mostly focused on whether the band should wear outfits designed by the bassist or by a famous fashion designer. A smoking hot publicist tells the lead singer he should go solo. He quits the band right before a show. The band goes their separate ways. Amends are eventually made. Orgies ensue, presumably. The lead singer wakes up to realize it was all just a dream. Son. Of. A. Bitch.

2. Stillwater (Almost Famous)
With songs written primarily by Nancy Wilson and Peter Frampton, Stillwater sounded like an actual '70s rock band. "Fever Dog" is a badass song, as are their other songs, which are available on CD as part of the Bootleg Edition DVD of the movie that I got a few years ago (which I highly recommend).

1. Steel Dragon (Rock Star)
I love the movie Rock Star. For whatever reason (even though I know it's not a "good" movie per se), whenever it is on, I have to watch it. Steel Dragon, the band from the movie, is pretty damn good as well. Several Steel Dragon songs are on the soundtrack, and they are solid hard rock songs. While in the movie, the band is fronted by Chris "Izzy" Coles, played by Marky Mark (and, before him, Bobby Beers, played by Jason Flemyng), the real lead singers on the songs are Steelheart frontman Miljenko Matijevic (Coles's parts) and Talisman, Yngwie Malmsteen, and briefly Journey lead singer Jeff Scott Soto (Beers's parts). The other band members include bassist Jeff Pilson (Dokken, Foreigner), guitarist Zakk Wylde (Black Label Society and Ozzy Osbourne), and drummer Jason Bonham (Bonham), all of whom act in the movie. "Wasted Generation," "We All Die Young," and "Livin' the Life" are my three favorite Steel Dragon songs.

Best Band of Our Generation: Onto the Semis!

2011-11-17T00:01:00.001-06:00

In the final quarterfinal match-up, 7-seed Guns N' Roses scores a minor upset, taking out Pearl Jam by a 57% to 43% margin. We now roll into the semis, where none -- I repeat none -- of the top four seeds will be competing. The first match-up pits Cinderella story 24-seed Mötley Crüe against 5-seed Def Leppard. Given the upcoming Thanksgiving holiday, I am going to give you guys until Sunday on this one and then a full week for the second semifinal match-up. Godspeed.

(For details and background about the Best Band of Our Generation countdown, click here.)

Here are the results so far. Winners are in green.

Semifinals

24. Mötley Crüe (1981)

5. Def Leppard (1980)

11. Weezer (1994)

7. Guns N' Roses (1987)

Quarterfinals

1. U2 (1980)

24. Mötley Crüe (1981) (56%)

5. Def Leppard (1980) (57%)

4. Metallica (1983)

14. Huey Lewis and The News (1980)

11. Weezer (1994) (72%)

7. Guns N' Roses (1987) (57%)

2. Pearl Jam (1991)

Round 2

1. U2 (1980) (57%)

16. Foo Fighters (1995)

24. Mötley Crüe (1981) (60%)

8. Nirvana (1989)

5. Def Leppard (1980) (63%)

12. Bon Jovi (1984)

20. The White Stripes (1999)

4. Metallica (1983) (83%)

30. Stone Temple Pilots (1992)

14. Huey Lewis and The News (1980) (80%)

11. Weezer (1994) (75%)

6. Beastie Boys (1982)

7. Guns N' Roses (1987) (60%)

23. Iron Maiden (1980)

15. Green Day (1990)

2. Pearl Jam (1991) (100%)

Round 1

1. U2 (1980) (60%)

32. The Pixies (1987)

16. Foo Fighters (1995) (75%)

17. The Cure (1980)

9. Red Hot Chili Peppers (1984)

24. Mötley Crüe (1981) (80%)

8. Nirvana (1989) (67%)

25. The Black Crowes (1990)

5. Def Leppard (1980) (86%)

28. Poison (1986)

12. Bon Jovi (1984) (100%)

21. Depeche Mode (1981)

13. Dave Matthews Band (1994)

20. The White Stripes (1999) (80%)

4. Metallica (1983) (100%)

29. Soundgarden (1988)

3. R.E.M. (1982)

30. Stone Temple Pilots (1992) (60%)

14. Huey Lewis and The News (1980) (67%)

19. Duran Duran (1981)

11. Weezer (1994) (80%)

22. Rage Against the Machine (1992)

6. Beastie Boys (1982) (80%)

27. Nine Inch Nails (1989)

7. Guns N' Roses (1987) (83%)

26. Smashing Pumpkins (1991)

10. Radiohead (1993)

23. Iron Maiden (1980) (75%)

15. Green Day (1990) (75%)

18. The Pretenders (1980)

2. Pearl Jam (1991) (80%)

31. Oasis (1994)

Beeeeeeeeef Jelly

2011-11-14T21:02:00.001-06:00

Every Saturday night, I practice scenes from my all-nude stage version of Howard the Duck that I've been tweaking for the past 25 years. In my version, Howard bangs everyone. I play Howard. Casting every other role has proved difficult.

A week ago Saturday, things were stale at rehearsal and I needed a comedic spark, so I watched Saturday Night Live for the first time in a while because It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia's Charlie Day was hosting. There was a sketch I found particularly hilarious called "The Original Kings of Catchprase Comedy Tour Vol. 2." Apparently, there was a previous related sketch when Zach Galifianakis hosted. Here are videos for both sketches. Enjoy.

Here's the first one:

Here's the second one:

Undefeated After Week 11

2011-11-14T20:48:00.001-06:00

The Hoosiers didn't lose this weekend. However, two previously undefeated teams did -- #4 Stanford and #5 Boise State.

This raises an interesting possibility. If LSU loses in the SEC Championship game and Oklahoma State loses to Oklahoma in Bedlam, both of those teams would end with one loss. And let's say the following one-loss teams win out: Alabama, Oregon, Oklahoma, Clemson or Virginia Tech (they would meet in the ACC Championship game, so only one can win out), Stanford, and Boise State. If Houston wins out, unfortunately, they probably wouldn't get a shot at the BCS title game, even though that seems like a bullshit result. If you're the only undefeated team in the FBS, you should automatically play in the BCS title game, no matter what conference you're in.

Anyway, in the scenario above, you would have eight one-loss teams: LSU, Oklahoma State, Oklahoma, Alabama, Oregon, Boise State, Stanford, and either Clemson or Virginia Tech would end the season with one loss. Oklahoma State's only loss would be to Oklahoma, Alabama's only loss would be to LSU, Oregon's only loss would be to LSU, and Stanford's only loss would be to Oregon. And if LSU loses to Arkansas, then Arkansas would be another one-loss team thrown into the mix, with their only loss being to Alabama, and then LSU's only loss would be to Arkansas.

Who would play in the BCS title game? I suppose BCS supporters would say that this is exactly why the BCS was created – to pit the two best teams against each other even when there are others with identical records. On the other hand, not all of these one-loss teams would make a BCS bowl. With the Big Ten champ, Big East champ, and Houston (assuming it wins out) taking up a spot each, that leaves seven spots for eight (or nine) one-loss teams. Of course, Boise State is likely the odd team out, since they don't play in a BCS conference.

This is exactly the type of scenario playoff proponents hope for, since it makes their case for a D-1A playoff that much stronger. Here is a playoff system several of us came up with a few weeks ago while dominating trivia at Rocks. I'm sure we're not the first people to come up with something like this.
-8 teams make the playoffs, whether those 8 are chosen by BCS rankings or by a selection committee. It would be the winners of the 6 so-called "BCS conferences" (maybe minus the Big East), with 2 at-large teams that can come from any conference. Any non-BCS-conference that finishes undefeated would get an at-large berth, assuming there are not more than two. If there are more than two, then the BCS rankings or selection committee would determine which two get the two at-large spots.
-The quarterfinal games would be played at the four BCS sites: Pasadena, Glendale, New Orleans, and Miami. Like the NCAA tournament, the top seeds would play closer to home, to the extent that is possible.
-The quarterfinal games would be played either one week or two weeks after the conference championship games (so the second or third weekend of December).
-The semis and championship game would all be held at the same stadium, and the location would rotate amongst the BCS sites. The semis would be held the first Saturday in January, and the championship game would be held the second Saturday in January. I don't care if that bumps up against NFL playoffs.
-The rest of the non-BCS bowls remain the same. They would matter just as much as they do now, and that way teams that don't have a realistic shot of making the playoffs and teams from smaller conferences can still go to a bowl game.

Here is a breakdown of the undefeated teams and each team's remaining games (rankings are BCS rankings):

#1 LSU (10-0)
11/19 – at Mississippi (2-8)
11/25 – #6 Arkansas (9-1)
12/3 – SEC Championship game (TBD)

Remaining opponents' combined record: 11-9 (.550)

#2 Oklahoma State (10-0)
11/18 – at Iowa State (5-4)
12/3 - #5 Oklahoma (8-1)

Remaining opponents' combined record: 13-5 (.722)

#11 Houston (10-0)
11/19 – SMU (6-4)
11/25 – at Tulsa (7-3)
12/3 – Conference USA Championship game (TBD)

Remaining opponents' combined record: 13-7 (.650)

Best Band of Our Generation: Quarterfinals Update

2011-11-14T20:40:00.001-06:00

Weezer takes down Huey Lewis and The News, 72% to 28%. Only one quarterfinal remaining, and it's a good one: Pearl Jam vs. Guns N' Roses.

(For details and background about the Best Band of Our Generation countdown, click here.)

Here are the results so far. Winners are in green.

Quarterfinals

1. U2 (1980)

24. Mötley Crüe (1981) (56%)

5. Def Leppard (1980) (57%)

4. Metallica (1983)

14. Huey Lewis and The News (1980)

11. Weezer (1994) (72%)

7. Guns N' Roses (1987)

2. Pearl Jam (1991)

Round 2

1. U2 (1980) (57%)

16. Foo Fighters (1995)

24. Mötley Crüe (1981) (60%)

8. Nirvana (1989)

5. Def Leppard (1980) (63%)

12. Bon Jovi (1984)

20. The White Stripes (1999)

4. Metallica (1983) (83%)

30. Stone Temple Pilots (1992)

14. Huey Lewis and The News (1980) (80%)

11. Weezer (1994) (75%)

6. Beastie Boys (1982)

7. Guns N' Roses (1987) (60%)

23. Iron Maiden (1980)

15. Green Day (1990)

2. Pearl Jam (1991) (100%)

Round 1

1. U2 (1980) (60%)

32. The Pixies (1987)

16. Foo Fighters (1995) (75%)

17. The Cure (1980)

9. Red Hot Chili Peppers (1984)

24. Mötley Crüe (1981) (80%)

8. Nirvana (1989) (67%)

25. The Black Crowes (1990)

5. Def Leppard (1980) (86%)

28. Poison (1986)

12. Bon Jovi (1984) (100%)

21. Depeche Mode (1981)

13. Dave Matthews Band (1994)

20. The White Stripes (1999) (80%)

4. Metallica (1983) (100%)

29. Soundgarden (1988)

3. R.E.M. (1982)

30. Stone Temple Pilots (1992) (60%)

14. Huey Lewis and The News (1980) (67%)

19. Duran Duran (1981)

11. Weezer (1994) (80%)

22. Rage Against the Machine (1992)

6. Beastie Boys (1982) (80%)

27. Nine Inch Nails (1989)

7. Guns N' Roses (1987) (83%)

26. Smashing Pumpkins (1991)

10. Radiohead (1993)

23. Iron Maiden (1980) (75%)

15. Green Day (1990) (75%)

18. The Pretenders (1980)

2. Pearl Jam (1991) (80%)

31. Oasis (1994)

Listen to Hair Band Friday - 11/11/11

2011-11-11T11:37:00.001-06:00

Irrational Fears

2011-11-10T09:41:00.001-06:00

Kids have irrational fears. That's one of the things that endears them to adults. Whether it's Billy's fear of remote controlsor Suzy's refusal to step foot in the bathroom because of her firm belief thatwolves live in the vanity, we adults respond with an "awww" (and mostlikely a laugh because, let's be honest, kids are morons).

When I was Daughter's age (almost 2), I was terrified ofKiss. I eventually came around. (Hell, I even went to see Ace Frehley inconcert last night.) Of course, all myparents had to say was that Kiss were just guys with paint on their faces. That's what I told Daughter, and she loveswatching Kiss videos. But this postisn't about why I'm a better parent than my parents. It's about fear.

Take Daughter. Wewent to a nature museum last month, and there was this 12-foot-tall stuffed (asin by a taxidermist, not a toy) polar bear standing on his hind legs with hisarms outstretched, Frankenstein style. Daughter was petrified. Shewouldn't go near it. That's notirrational in my book, since until that point, the only polar bears she hadseen were alive and swimming at the zoo. This stuffed polar bear was gigantic and was showing its giant, sharpteeth. If it were alive (and I don'tthink Daughter understands that it isn't), it would surely devour all of us -- Daughter first, no doubt, since she's slower than Jester or me.

And then there's what she told me yesterday morning when I gother out of bed:

Me: How'd you sleep?

Daughter: Uh, I kindof afraid.

Me: What are youafraid of?

Daughter: The armadillos.

We live in Chicago. Armadilloshave been wholly and unquestionably absent from Daughter's life. Outside of Go Diego Go, I pretty sure she hasnever even seen an armadillo. Also, theinclusion of the word "the" implies that she is not afraid ofarmadillos in general, but some specific armadillos. Who are these armadillos? When and where do they intimidate her? Do they have leprosy? If so, then maybe her fear isn't soirrational after all. I guess I can justput Gene Simmons face paint on the next armadillo I see.

Best Band of Our Generation: Quarterfinals Update

2011-11-10T09:33:00.001-06:00

Def Leppard held off Metallica, 57% to 43%, to advance to the semis. Our next match-up features Weezer vs. Huey Lewis and The News. Because I am a benevolent dictator, I will give you until Sunday night to vote. Now get out there and vote!

(For details and background about the Best Band of Our Generation countdown, click here.)

Here are the results so far. Winners are in green.

Quarterfinals

1. U2 (1980)

24. Mötley Crüe (1981) (56%)

5. Def Leppard (1980) (57%)

4. Metallica (1983)

14. Huey Lewis and The News (1980)

11. Weezer (1994)

7. Guns N' Roses (1987)

2. Pearl Jam (1991)

Round 2

1. U2 (1980) (57%)

16. Foo Fighters (1995)

24. Mötley Crüe (1981) (60%)

8. Nirvana (1989)

5. Def Leppard (1980) (63%)

12. Bon Jovi (1984)

20. The White Stripes (1999)

4. Metallica (1983) (83%)

30. Stone Temple Pilots (1992)

14. Huey Lewis and The News (1980) (80%)

11. Weezer (1994) (75%)

6. Beastie Boys (1982)

7. Guns N' Roses (1987) (60%)

23. Iron Maiden (1980)

15. Green Day (1990)

2. Pearl Jam (1991) (100%)

Round 1

1. U2 (1980) (60%)

32. The Pixies (1987)

16. Foo Fighters (1995) (75%)

17. The Cure (1980)

9. Red Hot Chili Peppers (1984)

24. Mötley Crüe (1981) (80%)

8. Nirvana (1989) (67%)

25. The Black Crowes (1990)

5. Def Leppard (1980) (86%)

28. Poison (1986)

12. Bon Jovi (1984) (100%)

21. Depeche Mode (1981)

13. Dave Matthews Band (1994)

20. The White Stripes (1999) (80%)

4. Metallica (1983) (100%)

29. Soundgarden (1988)

3. R.E.M. (1982)

30. Stone Temple Pilots (1992) (60%)

14. Huey Lewis and The News (1980) (67%)

19. Duran Duran (1981)

11. Weezer (1994) (80%)

22. Rage Against the Machine (1992)

6. Beastie Boys (1982) (80%)

27. Nine Inch Nails (1989)

7. Guns N' Roses (1987) (83%)

26. Smashing Pumpkins (1991)

10. Radiohead (1993)

23. Iron Maiden (1980) (75%)

15. Green Day (1990) (75%)

18. The Pretenders (1980)

2. Pearl Jam (1991) (80%)

31. Oasis (1994)

Tuesday Top Tens: Worst Board Games and Athletes Who Beat Cancer

2011-11-08T20:26:00.001-06:00

I've been in a bit of a post-Rocktober post-writing slump. When you combine that with the mescaline, my ability to come up with a cogent non-Kokopelli related Tuesday Top Ten is less than stellar. Thankfully, people keep taking advantage of my vivid hallucinations by sending me top ten lists. This week, we have two.

The good people at Best Online Colleges sent me the link to their list of the Ten Worst Board Games Ever Created. While I strongly disagree with the inclusion of Mouse Trap (the greatest board game I never owned), games like "Who's Your Daddy?" and "Who's Having This Baby Anyway?" ("the first person to dilate 10 centimeters wins the game").

And the good people at Medical Billing & Coding sent me the link to their list of the Ten Famous Athletes Who Managed to Beat Cancer. Joe Frazier did not make the list.

Undefeated After Week 10

2011-11-07T20:21:00.000-06:00

The Hoosiers played relatively well against O$U, with achance to tie the game late in the 4th quarter. Unfortunately, Tre Roberson threw an interception, and then the Buckeyesscored again, for a 34-20 final. It wasthe closest we've come against O$U since Antwaan Randle El's senior year, 2001,when IU lost 27-13, and it was the most points IU has scored against O$U sincea 27-27 tie in 1990. I realize all thismeans nothing in the win column, but it at least appears to be a step in theright direction, especially after giving up 41 or more points in each of theprior four weeks.

More importantly in the college football landscape, as inyears past, I'll be breaking down the remaining undefeated teams each week. You'vebeen waiting for this with bated breath, and I can't in good conscience makeyou wait any longer. And for the few ofyou that haven't, please understand that I love college football more than youdo.

This past Saturday saw the latest "game of thecentury," as #1 LSU beat #2 Alabama 9-6 in a game that set back"games of the century" about 45 years (November 19, 1966 to be exact,when #1 Notre Dame and #2 Michigan State played to a 10-10 tie in another"game of the century"). Frankly, when there is a "game of the century," I expect thescoring to entail more than 5 field goals. Give me 42-39 O$U/Michigan in 2006 or 31-24 Notre Dame/Florida State in1993. Those games, even if the wrongteam won both times, at least lived up to the hype.

If nothing else, it means that there is now one lessundefeated team in the FBS, leaving only five left, which is one more than wehad last year at this time.

None of the remaining undefeateds have an easy road. Each team plays at least two teams withwinning records, and each team's remaining opponents' combined record is .500or better. In addition, the top 3remaining undefeateds each play another team in the BCS Top 10 (not includingconference championship games). Thatsaid, there is a good chance that all five teams could win out, which wouldessentially mean the BCS haters and D-1 playoff supporters would be going batshit nuts.

Here is a breakdown of the undefeated teams and each team's remaining games(rankings are BCS rankings):

#1 LSU (9-0)

11/12 – Western Kentucky (5-4)

11/19 – at Mississippi (2-7)

11/25 – #8 Arkansas (8-1)

12/3 – SEC Championship game (TBD)

Remaining opponents' combined record: 15-12 (.556)

#2 Oklahoma State (9-0)

11/12 – at Texas Tech (5-4)

11/18 – at Iowa State (5-4)

12/3 - #7 Oklahoma (8-1)

Remaining opponents' combined record: 18-9 (.667)

#4 Stanford (9-0)

11/12 - #6 Oregon (8-1)

11/19 – California (5-4)

11/26 – Notre Dame (6-3)

12/2 – Pac-12 Championship game (TBD)

Remaining opponents' combined record: 19-8 (.704)

#5 Boise State (8-0)

11/12 – TCU (7-2)

11/19 – at San Diego State (5-3)

11/26 – Wyoming (5-3)

12/3 – New Mexico (0-9)

Remaining opponents' combined record: 17-17 (.500)

#11 Houston (9-0)

11/10 – at Tulane (2-8)

11/19 – SMU (6-3)

11/25 – at Tulsa (6-3)

12/3 – Conference USA Championship game (TBD)

Remaining opponents' combined record: 14-14 (.500)

Best Band of Our Generation: Quarterfinals Update

2011-11-07T19:48:00.002-06:00

The Cinderella run continues for 24-seed Mötley Crüe, who are establishing themselves as this tournament's VCU. They held off 1-seed U2 56% to 44% in an overtime match-up after voting was tied at the end of the regulation, and an extra two days was needed to determine the winner. Apparently people were able to forgive Generation Swine more than Pop. The next quarterfinal match-up is a nickname for a Duesenburg: Def Leppard vs. Metallica.

(For details and background about the Best Band of Our Generation countdown, click here.)

Here are the results so far. Winners are in green.

Quarterfinals

1. U2 (1980)

24. Mötley Crüe (1981) (56%)

5. Def Leppard (1980)

4. Metallica (1983)

14. Huey Lewis and The News (1980)

11. Weezer (1994)

7. Guns N' Roses (1987)

2. Pearl Jam (1991)

Round 2

1. U2 (1980) (57%)

16. Foo Fighters (1995)

24. Mötley Crüe (1981) (60%)

8. Nirvana (1989)

5. Def Leppard (1980) (63%)

12. Bon Jovi (1984)

20. The White Stripes (1999)

4. Metallica (1983) (83%)

30. Stone Temple Pilots (1992)

14. Huey Lewis and The News (1980) (80%)

11. Weezer (1994) (75%)

6. Beastie Boys (1982)

7. Guns N' Roses (1987) (60%)

23. Iron Maiden (1980)

15. Green Day (1990)

2. Pearl Jam (1991) (100%)

Round 1

1. U2 (1980) (60%)

32. The Pixies (1987)

16. Foo Fighters (1995) (75%)

17. The Cure (1980)

9. Red Hot Chili Peppers (1984)

24. Mötley Crüe (1981) (80%)

8. Nirvana (1989) (67%)

25. The Black Crowes (1990)

5. Def Leppard (1980) (86%)

28. Poison (1986)

12. Bon Jovi (1984) (100%)

21. Depeche Mode (1981)

13. Dave Matthews Band (1994)

20. The White Stripes (1999) (80%)

4. Metallica (1983) (100%)

29. Soundgarden (1988)

3. R.E.M. (1982)

30. Stone Temple Pilots (1992) (60%)

14. Huey Lewis and The News (1980) (67%)

19. Duran Duran (1981)

11. Weezer (1994) (80%)

22. Rage Against the Machine (1992)

6. Beastie Boys (1982) (80%)

27. Nine Inch Nails (1989)

7. Guns N' Roses (1987) (83%)

26. Smashing Pumpkins (1991)

10. Radiohead (1993)

23. Iron Maiden (1980) (75%)

15. Green Day (1990) (75%)

18. The Pretenders (1980)

2. Pearl Jam (1991) (80%)

31. Oasis (1994)

Voting Extended!

2011-11-05T13:13:00.001-05:00

U2 and Motley Crue were tied when their poll was supposed to end last night, so I have extended the voting until tomorrow night. If you haven't voted yet, please rock the vote. This determines who goes to the semis. Am I wrong?

Listen to Hair Band Friday - 11/4/11

2011-11-04T13:29:00.001-05:00

American Horror Story: Halloween Parts 1 and 2

2011-11-03T21:56:00.001-05:00

Before I get started, let me thank DirecTV and Fox forgetting their shit together so that I was able to watch American Horror Storythis week. I got behind on AmericanHorror Story, so I apologize for not posting this when it happened. The last two episodes were all aboutHalloween. I watched Halloween Part 1 lastnight and Part 2 tonight while I listed to Daughter sing to herself through themonitor. Or at least I assumed it wasDaughter.

Now you would think that, on Halloween (the day the spiritworld is closest to the real world and the dead walks amongst the living), allthe ghosts of the Murder House would take it easy, maybe have a few cocktails,and just hang out in the basement, reminiscing about being murdered in theMurder House. No need to rile up thecurrent owners of the house, right? Iguess that's not how ghosts think.

Part 1

2010. Two gay guyslive in the Murder House, and they're nothing like Cam and Mitchell. One of them is the guy that played Spock inthe 2009 remake of Star Trek. The otheris just some dude who's banging his trainer (who he describes as a "powerbottom"). It's a few days beforeHalloween. They're arguing about theHalloween party they're throwing and about Trainer Banger banging otherdudes. Trainer Banger refers to he andSpock as "Halloqueens." With instantclassic word combinations like that, any trainer banging would be forgiven inmy book. As Spock is lamenting the colorof the apples to be bobbed, Latex Man shows up. Spock thinks it's Trainer Banger. It's not. Latex Man killsSpock. Judging by the way Latex Manchucked Spock all around, it seems like he works out. Hell, I was thinking maybe it's the powerbottom trainer that Trainer Banger is banging. My hypothesis was shattered when Trainer Banger walks in, and Latex Mankills him too.

Back to the present. Ben and Vivien are bitching at Marcy (their realtor) because she hasn'tsold the Murder House yet. Marcy wantsto hire a "fluffer" to help them sell their house. I don't see how some chick blowing Ben to gethim ready for Vivien is going to help, but then again, I don't have my realestate license.

Over at Constance's house, Addy and Constance's boytoy(Travis) are hanging out, reading a book about Halloween's Celtic pagan origins. Travis leaves to buy some chocolate chips andcigarettes. Addy says, "He smellsbetter than the last one." What theshit does that mean? Constance gets pissed. The last one must have smelled like somethingConstance liked and Addy hated – maybe shrimp.

Larry shows up to the Murder House. He's been trick-or-treating, even though it'snot yet Halloween and he's a grown, charred man. He asks Ben for $1000. Ben kicks his jack-o-lantern, and goes backin the house. Ben's meeting with Tate –the psycho who wants to bang Violet and who saved Vivien and Violet from thecopycat killers. Ben tells Tate he can'ttreat him anymore in the house. Tatecries. Ben's all, "We can meet at acoffee house, but no more funny stuff with Violet."

The Harmons decide to get a security system, which seemslike a good idea, given the constant murdering at their house. The security guy is played by none other thanMorris Chestnut. RICKY!I

Then Spock and Trainer Banger show up outside the house. Vivien assumes they're the fluffers. Why, just because they're gay? They come in and help carve pumpkins. Ben cuts his hand, and Trainer Banger (who isalso an EMT) helps him bandage it up in the bathroom. Then he grabs Ben's dong and offers to give hima BJ. Ben declines, which is surprising,given that he's a philanderer.

Addy sneaks up on Violet in Violet's room, and asks Violetto make her pretty for Halloween. Shedoes. Constance is pissed. It seems like she doesn't ever really gethappy about much, other than banging Travis and smoking Pall Malls.

So Violet meets Tate in the basement at midnight. He dresses up as Latex Man and scares Violet,even though she won't admit it. She's atough nut to crack. So they light somecandles, and he tells her about the history of the house. Back in the '20s, that crazy Dr. Charles gavechicks abortions in the basement. Thisis pre-Roe v. Wade, so you know there had to be some Republican backlash. Some chick's boyfriend got pissed about thatblessing in disguise, so he kidnapped and killed Dr. Charles's infant son, andthen chopped the kid up. Dr. Charles andhis wife don't take this well. In fact,Dr. Charles tries to reconstruct his son by sewing him back together. Yowzah. Anyway, Tate tells Violet that the baby still lives in the basement.

Ben meets Tate at a park, then Ben starts smoking andcrying. Meanwhile, Constance comesaround and buys Addy a mask so that she can be a "pretty girl" forHalloween. Meanwhile, Ben and Vivien aregetting ready for their Halloween-themed house showing. Vivien says she checked Ben's cell phonestatement and saw all these calls from that trick Hayden. Ben's all, "She won't be callinganymore" (wink wink). Vivien's all,"I called that bitch and left her a message." Then Vivien's phone rings and it's Haydencalling. Say what? Vivien doesn't answer it because she can dealwith it later. Right now, however, Spockand Trainer Banger are downstairs for the Halloween house showing. They start getting bossy, Vivien asks them toleave, they say no, Vivien flips out and starts wrecking the Halloweendecorations they worked so very hard on. They leave.

Vivien starts getting sharp abdominal pains, so they go tothe hospital because she's preggers. Atthe hospital, the nurse faints while looking at the sonogram. It would appear that the fetus is larger thanit should be for 8 weeks.

Addy gets hit by a car. Hit and run. She may bedead. Constance is not happy, butapparently believes taking her away from the EMTs and onto the lawn will helpsthings. It doesn't, perhaps becausemodern medicine is more effective than grass.

Meanwhile, Moira – who hasn't looked hot in far too long –goes to visit her mother in a nursing home. Her mother! Jesus, she must beclosing in on 200. Moira takes hermother off of life support, although it's not clear if she had a living will. Right after Moira's mom dies, she's a ghostand asks Moira to come with her. Moira'sall, "I had to put her six feet under, and I can still hear hercomplain."

Back at the Murder House, Violet is hanging out alone. Larry comes to the door and knocksloudly. Dude just wants his $1000 forkilling Hayden. Seems like a fair price,frankly. Violet does not let him in, butLatex Man is standing right behind her. By the time Ben and Vivien get home from the hospital, the securityalarm is going off and Violet is nowhere to be seen. The doorbell rings. Ben answers it. Hayden. She looks pretty good for having been beaten to death with a shovel andburied below a gazebo.

Part 2

We learn that Latex Man disappeared from behind Violet. That dude's fast as shit. Violet goes back up to her room, and someoneis under her bed. The thing under thebed almost grabs Violet's ankle, but then Tate throws a pebble at Violet's windowfrom the front law. Very '50s. They go on a date to the beach.

Ben decides to clean up the pumpkins that some jerk kids smashed. Larry's out in the yard because he's a totalcreep, and he wants his $1000. Ben beatsLarry up because he thinks Larry didn't actually kill Hayden, and is usingHayden to extort money from Ben. Littledoes Ben know.

Ricky, the guy from the security company who would havegotten a full ride to USC if he wasn't shot in the back by some dickhead in a backwards Starter hat, shows up to the Murder House about a half hour too late. Vivien answers the door. They share some brief flirting that is sureto end in murder.

Meanwhile, on the beach, Violet and Tate are about to bang. Get this: TATE stops it from happening. Hesays something like "I can't do it with girls," but then says he'snot gay. I think I finally get it. He's a eunuch. Poor dongless bastard. Then some preppy assholes (probably fromBayside) show up. It's clear they havesome beef with Tate. Tate knows he'soutnumbered, so he and Violet leave. Those SOBs will

Back at the Murder House, Vivien is drawing a bath. Calgon, take me away! She gets a call from Hayden – who is a whore,mind you. Vivien lets Hayden get to herbecause Hayden keeps telling her to ask Ben about Boston. Vivien's all, "Bitch, I should haveripped your tits off when I caught you banging my man." She hangs up and turns around. In the steam on the mirror are the words"ASK HIM." Damn, that twat iscoldblooded.

Vivien runs downstairs and tells Ben that Hayden is in thehouse. Ben grabs a knife and heads intothe basement, which is never a good idea. Would it kill him to turn on a light? Hayden is hanging out, being a dead bitch. She makes a crude pass at Ben, but no onelikes to stick his dick in dead chick, not even a philanderer. Out of nowhere, Larry cracks Ben in the headwith a shovel. Hayden's all, "I'mgoing to find Vivien." Larry's all,"I'm gonna light something on fire because that's my nature. I have a problem. It's called pyromania. Great album, by the way."

Vivien walks out the front door to see Spock trashing theremaining pumpkins and going on and on about how Trainer Banger is probably onhis "fourth unprotected blowjob of the night." Of course he is. Who wants to wear a condom when he's gettinghis knob slobbed? Spock chases Vivieninto the house, but she locks him out just in time.

Vivien pushes the panic button on the security system. Good thing too. Hayden is in the bathtub. Larry lit a room on fire. The preppy kids – who may be banshees –followed Violet and Tate back to the Murder House. Shit's getting crazy. After all, it is All Hallows Eve.

Hayden calls Vivien and says she's in the kitchen, so Vivien– who is unaware that Hayden is a ghost and cannot be killed – goes down therewith a gold club. Then something red explodesin the microwave. I assumed it was afetus, but it turned out to be tomatoes.

Violet goes outside to have a heart-to-heart with thepreppies. It's inferred that they are infact ghosts, perhaps killed by Tate. Before any real explanation, Tate comes out and tells them to catchhim. He runs off, and they run afterhim. Silly ghosts. Just as Violet is calling the cops, Constancegrabs her and says it's her fault that Addy died. Yeah, because Violet was the one driving thecar.

Back inside, Hayden confronts Vivien in Vivien's bedroom. Hayden finds out Vivien is pregnant, whichshe doesn't take well. She shatters apicture frame and grabs a shard of glass perfect for stabbing. Downstairs, Larry is pouring gasoline allover the place. Spock's all, "Markit zero, Smokey." Larry is scared.

In the basement, Dr. Charles's wife has had about enough babykilling in this house, so she frees Ben and tells him to "save thebaby." He heads up to the bedroomjust as Hayden is about to try to cut the baby out of Vivien. Jesus, two wrongs don't make a right. Then Ricky shows up. Crisis averted!

In Constance's kitchen, Constance is bitching to Violetabout Addy being dead. There's aflashback while Constance is talking to Constance putting makeup on Addy in themorgue. Violet bums a smoke fromConstance. Then she drops a bomb onViolet. Constance is Tate's mom. Sweet sassy molassy. Well, that explains why Tate is soweird. Constance tells Violet not totell Tate about Addy's death.

Meanwhile, the preppies chase Tate to the beach. They demand that he atone for what he did tothem, explaining that he killed all of them when they were in high school. There are some quick flashes to Tate inskeleton face paint pointing a gun at a classroom. Then the cheerleader – who is a whore, mindyou – says she would have been 34 this year. Me too! Tate has no idea whatthey're talking about, and nor should he, since he's 16. The sun is about to come up, so they leave aconfused Tate sitting on the beach alone, with nothing left to do but masturbatewhile crying, or is it the other way around?

As the sun rises, all the people who were killed in theMurder House return to it. OldMoira. The ginger twins. The sorostitute and the nurse. Dr. Charles's wife. Spock. Trainer Banger. All Saints Daymust be a real downer for the undead.

Meanwhile, the security guy is taking Hayden to the policestation. Upon their arrival, he goes tothe back door to get her out, but she is gone. Security guy, she's a ghost. Youcan't book, much less arraign a ghost.

Back at the Murder House, Ben is packing up his shit because Viv kicked him out. Where's a philanderer to go in LA? Sunset Strip would be my choice. We'll have to wait until next episode to find out.

1. Can I call Vivien"Viv"?

2. What kind ofasshole runs over a girl with Down Syndrome? Amazingly it wasn't a Range Rover.

3. Should I beconcerned that Old Moira did not let Hot Moira come out and play on Halloween? Hell, she wears a slutty maid costume everyday, so I would have liked to see how she topped that.

4. Can you bringhumans back to life by chopping them up and sewing them back together?

5. Since when did Bensmoke? That seems like a bad example toset for Tate. Then again, Tate killspeople, so maybe smoking wouldn't be a bad thing for him to do instead.

6. Should Ben turnthe tables and kick Viv out of the house? After all, can you really trust someone who spies on your cell phonerecords?

7. What's with thegiant baby festering in Viv's womb?

8. I turned 34 thisyear. Did Tate kill me?

9. Will Tre and Doughboy avenge Ricky's death?

New Book: Sweetness: The Enigmatic life of Walter Payton by Jeff Pearlman

2011-11-03T21:25:00.001-05:00

A couple weeks ago, I finished reading PossibleSide Effects by Augusten Burroughs, and it was good. It was essentially a collection ofessays/stories recounting various events in Burroughs's life, which itself isinteresting (gay alcoholic who was given away by his parents to hispsychiatrist). Most of the stories are funny, and a couple times I laughed outloud on the train, which is a good sign.

I then read TheCatcher in the Rye by J.D. Salinger, which I hadn't read since highschool. I remember that it was one ofthe few books I had to read for school that I actually liked, although Iapparently remembered little else about the book, other than the fact thatHolden Caulfield hates phonies. I didn'treally remember the plot, how old Caulfield was, or any of the othercharacters. After re-reading it, I was surprisedabout when it was published (1951) and written (throughout the '40s). For some reason, the attitude of the book andthe subject matter seemed like it would have been from the mid '50s at the veryearliest, but I supposed that's one of the reasons the book is considered sogroundbreaking (and was so controversial). What's more interesting to me is who Caulfield was telling this storyto. I assume it was a psychiatrist, but it'sunclear. Anyway, it's a good (andrelatively quick) read if you've never read it.

Now that I recently had my Walter Payton birthday,it's only fitting that I read his recently published biography, Sweetness:The Enigmatic Life of Walter Payton by Jeff Pearlman. If you grew up in the '80s in the Chicagolandarea like me (well for part of the '80s at least), then Walter Payton was yourhero. In addition to being the singlegreatest all-around football player of all-time, he wasn't an asshole, he wasalways signing autographs, and he had a legendary work ethic. Of course, the book was released with somecontroversy because it revealed that Payton, after retiring, had some briefproblems with drugs. From what Iunderstand, that's a pretty small part of the book, and it would take a lotmore than that to change my opinion about Payton.

Books read in 2011:
Life by Keith Richards
Delta Blues: The Life and Times of the Mississippi Masters Who Revolutionized American Music by Ted Gioia
The Perks of Being a Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky
The Devil We Know: Dealing With the New Iranian Superpower by Robert Baer
Riders on the Storm: My Life with Jim Morrison and The Doors by John Densmore
The Butcher: Anatomy of a Mafia Psychopath by Philip Carlo
Runaway Dream: Born to Run and Bruce Springsteen's American Vision by Louis P. Masur
Clapton by Eric Clapton
Fargo Rock City by Chuck Klosterman

My Billion Year Contract: Memoir of a Former Scientologist by Nancy Many

Snow Blind: A Brief Career in the Cocaine Trade by Robert Sabbag
Possible Side Effects by Augusten Burroughs
The Catcher in the Rye by J.D. Salinger