There Is a God

During the break in the middle of my Second City class Sunday night, I went down to the Starbucks in the building and bought myself a Jones Root Beer. I don't usually get root beer, but I hadn't had any in a while, so I figured I'd let loose and throw caution to the wind. Under the cap, it read, "The winds of change approach." I was excited to find out exactly what it meant. Would I be getting a new job? Would I win the lottery? Would I find out that I am Namibian royalty? Was this cap predicting the Democratic takeover of Congress (lemme holla at ya America)? No, no, maybe, and no. The winds brought along a change better than all four of those combined.

In a career move that rivals the schoolgirl outfit -- and a life move that rivals escape from her mother's womb -- Britney Spears filed for divorce from Kevin Federline. The reason? "Irreconcilable differences." I got thinking to myself: "GMYH, you handsome, underappreciated devil, what was it that could not be reconciled?" The answer? Probably too many things to count. Nonetheless, I have come up with some possibilities:

• Britney wants more children. K-Fed already has twelve.
• K-Fed's new album, "Playing With Fire" (released 10/31), sold only four copies, all of which were bought by K-Fed himself, to be given to Britney for her birthday, Christmas, Mother's Day, and on their anniversary.
• Britney wants a monogomous relationship, but K-Fed wants to date himself.
• He was a backup dancer.
• Britney had hopes of being a stay-at-home mom, but it turns out that K-Fed's only sources of income are Britney and his lifetime supply of Newports via endorsement. Despite K-Fed's elaborate theories to the contrary, babies can't live off of cigarettes.
• Before K-Fed, Britney was a best-selling, saucy little southern girl who made out with Madonna. After K-Fed, Britney was an infant-endangering, bon-bon-eating redneck who made out with K-Fed.
• Circling jobs in the LA Times classifieds for husband who sleeps on the couch all day gets old after 780 days in a row.
• K-Fed pushed for (and got) the name Jayden for their second son, which is pretty funny considering most people don't name boys after female strippers from Ft. Lauderdale with C-section scars.
• Sean Preston is nearing the age where he forms memories.
• The man was backup dancer.
• When K-Fed says "that's fire," which is somewhere between 150 and 200 times a day, he is sometimes referring to the feeling he gets while urinating.
• Britney never wants to answer "yes" when one of her children asks: "Some of the kids at school say daddy was in 'You Got Served.' Is that true?"
• Britney never wants to answer "yes" when asked by anyone: "Wasn't your husband in 'You Got Served'?"
• Britney never wants to answer "yes" when asked by anyone: "Wait, aren't you married to Kevin Federline?"
• $600-a-day wifebeater habit.
• K-Fed refers to everything in terms of "PopoZao." For instance, "Hey babe, after I finish this Busch Light, what say you and me go in the bedroom and make some PopoZao?" or "Babe, where's the plunger? I just PopoZao'd all up in this toilet." or "Aww, come here Sean Preston, my little PopoZao." or "Yo babe, toss me another PopoZao. The PopoZao's about to PopoZAO."
• PopoZao.
• K-Fed says, "This a Brazilian ass shaker right here" before every meal.
• "I'll pay you back. I swear to God." gets old after the 1500th six pack of Hamm's.
• K-Fed was a backup dancer.
• Look at him for Christ's sake.

Apparently Britney and K-Fed have no community property, which means that a prenup is probably in place. At least Britney didn't pull a Jessica Simpson. But then again, Nick Lachey was a decent human being who deserved some extra cash for having to put up with "I didn't know buffaloes could fly." K-Fed is a dirty, possibly disease-ridden leech who deserves to get hit by the bus he can't see because his Von Dutch hat is tilted too far to the side. Is it pathetic that I have this much contempt for a complete stranger? No.