The Next Four Years

I'm pissed off and borderline lethal right now, especially having to live in the state that sealed the election for our fearless leader. Needless to say, I'm disappointed in the American people. Apparently I expected too much out of them. However, what most concerns me is that the Republicans again control the Senate, House and Presidency, but now Bush does not have to worry about getting re-elected. I am skeptical that he will actually unite both sides of his zipper, much less the American people. Here are some things to look for in the next four years:
-Jesus replaces the bald eagle as the national symbol
-The U.S. secedes from the world
-Every child is left behind
-Only those who make over $200,000 a year are allowed to laugh
-Heinz products are no longer available in stores
-After William Rehnquist and Sandra Day O'Connor retire and Justices Stevens, Kennedy, Souter, Ginsburg, and Breyer die in a hail of gunfire during a mysterious ATF drug bust at the Court, a law passes to reduce the number of Supreme Court Justices to two, leaving only Antonin Scalia and his man-child Clarence Thomas (don't worry, somehow there will never be any 1-1 ties)
-The Yellowstone, Yosemite, and Denali National Refineries open, creating thousands of opportunities for recently unemployed forest rangers
-Women and minorities are no longer allowed to vote
-As thousands of peasants watch, Michael Moore is hanged at the new National Gallows, located just blocks from the White House
-To boost the still-struggling economy, the nation's homeless and unemployed are sent overseas to do their old jobs for their old employers for a fraction of the salary they used to get
-Alan Keyes is appointed to the newly created position of Pastor of the United States
-Medicare and Medicaid are replaced by the new Vice-Presidential Pension Fund
-Crawford, Texas becomes the new capital--that way Bush technically won't be on vacation for 200 days a year.
-John Ashcroft "accidentally" confuses the U.S. Constitution with toilet paper
-A 500-foot wall is built around the U.S. (which will soon include Canada--they have oil, too, you know), and large dragons are bred to keep watch over the kingdom
-Leaded gasoline is reintroduced to combat any benefits gained by hybrid cars
-Non-country music is banned, as well as books not entitled "The Bible" or "Gone with the Wind"
-The Texas Rangers win 4 World Series rings after mysteriously receiving a $1 billion donation
-The Department of Education's funding is inexplicably cut by $1 billion
-In an effort to end the war, Iraq is declared the 51st state and renamed Happyfunland
-Dick Cheney dies, and Bush immedately falls to the ground--strings, handles, and everything
-Murder is no longer outlawed, assuming of course that you murder a foreigner
-Santa Claus is murdered by FBI agents after he is mistaken for a terrorist
-The feudal system is reinstituted
-The costs of medical malpractice insurance decreases immensely after Congress bans plaintiffs from the courtroom
-France disappears
-In order to get an abortion, a woman must get a signed note from three judges, her teacher, her co-workers, her parents, her grandparents, and her fetus
-Teachers and factory workers will be required to give half of their salaries to the newly formed state-sanctioned megaconglomerate Halli-Wal-General Electrosoft & Gamble-Warner
-With hopes of promoting teen abstinence, the following are made illegal: condoms, the pill, and having HIV, AIDS, herpes, gonorrhea, or the clap (oddly, at the urging of several Senators and Representatives, syphilis is still legal)
-Upon graduation from kindergarten, every child receives his or her own AR-15 (for the boys) or Uzi (for the little ladies)
-America gets a new national mascot: Georgie, the slow but loveable elephant who loves to step on gays, atheists, dissenters, and New Yorkers
-The South somehow rises again
-To combat that pesky endangered species problem, all non-human animals are killed (especially puppies)
-Only those making less than $100,000 a year will have to pay the national tithe
-"Trickle Down" replaces "E Pluribus Unum" on the penny
-America meets its new Surgeon General: Dr. Phillip Morris
-The war on terror ends during the newly added fifth (and final) season: nuclear winter
-A race of machines takes over the world
-One man and one cyborg go back to 1984 to impregnate and kill Sarah Connor, respectively
-John Connor leads the human resistance, and with the help of Barack Obama, defeats the machines in 2008.