1. "How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?" Assuming I get some attempt at a clever answer, in a disgusted manner, I reply, "Uhh, no. Three pounds." I them roll my eyes and mumble "idiot" under my breath before moving onto the next question.
2. [To female interviewees only] "So, what's your favorite porno flick?" No matter what they answer, I excitedly say, "Really?! Mine is 'The Ass Ceiling,' a laugh riot about a broad who wants to move up the corporate ladder, but she can't 'cause she's a chick, so she ends up screwing her way to the top. And bottom, if you know what I mean. Get it? 'Ass Ceiling'?"
3. "What's your favorite kind of glass?" If they say "stained glass," I respond by saying, "It's gonna be stained with your blood if you keep giving me shitty answers like that. I bet then you'll be wishin' real hard you said 'bulletproof,' huh?"
4. "Okay, a terrorist busts into my office right now and says he has to kill one of us, but the other one will be unharmed. Who should he kill?" If he or she says "me" (meaning him or her), I say, "We don't have much use around here for a dead associate, so let me just show you to the elevators." If he or she says "you" (meaning me), I shake my head, give a pissed off quasi-smile and say, "That's fine. As long as you can explain to my little girls just exactly why their daddy can't read them anymore bedtime stories or attend any of their dance recitals ever again, you fucking selfish bastard."
5. [To female applicants] "What's your favorite sexual move? Not position--move?" Halfway into her rant about how that's not an appropriate question, I interrupt and start talking over her as if she actually answered the question: "Huh, no kidding? That's interesting. Looking at you I never would've guessed. Cleveland Steamer, sure. Bucking Bronco, maybe. I could even see a Chili Dog. Anyway, mine's the Angry Pirate. It's a variation of The Houdini. I'm doing a chick from behind, right? Then I pull out and spit on her back. When she turns around, oops, pow, surprise! I give her an eyeful of baby batter--just one eye, though. Then I kick her in the shin and run away. When I turn around, what's running after me looks and sounds like an angry pirate." I then get up, close one eye, limp around, and yell "arrrggghh." Then I laugh hysterically, ask her over and over again if she gets it, then sit back down.
6. "With whose judicial philosophy would you say you most closely align yourself, that of a pre-1902 Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr., that of Roger Traynor's later years, that of a a post-New Deal Louis Brandeis, or that of a young Wiley Rutledge?" No matter what they answer, I roll my eyes and say, "Whatever helps you sleep at night."
7. [to male applicants, in a stuffy, aristocratic British accent] "Tell me exactly what your intentions are with my daughter."
8. [As soon as they get in the room and sit down, I close the door, shut all the blinds, turn off the lights, stand behind them, and pull out a mirror which I hold over their shoulder] "Say it with me, Candyman, Candyman, Candyman, Candyman, Candym--." Assuming they continue on and say it the last time, I flip out and say, "Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God!! He's coming! Get out of here! GET OUT!!" Then I run and hide under my desk.
9. "Why is it that every single time I send you and Murphy out there on the streets, someone ends up in a body bag?" When they say "what?" or "I don't know what you're talking about," I reply (in a heavy Brooklyn accent), "I keep giving you guys chances to nail Mancuso, but all you guys come back with is Chinese take-out and leads that end up goin' nowhere. I'm givin' you goof balls one more shot to prove that you still got what it takes. But so help me God, if you guys fuck this up, I'll have your badges. No, no, you know what? Fuck that. I want your badge right now." I continue to yell at them about giving me their badge until they actually give me something (anything). As soon as they give me something, I say, solemnly, "You're a disgrace to the force. Now get the fuck out of my office and go clean out your desk. And if you ever set foot in this station again, you will not leave walking. Capice?"
10. "I would like your best estimate of how many licks it would take to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop." No matter what they answer, I say, "Alright, alright, alright" in a voice like Wooderson from Dazed and Confused. Then I toss them a Tootsie Pop and tell them to "get started because we only have 15 minutes left in this interview." I then excitedly count out loud for every lick. After the third lick, I say, "Wow, you're doin' better than that stupid-ass owl from the commercial. Keep it up. Four! Five! Six! . . . ."
11. [this would be a first question] "You know why I called you in here, don't you?" Assuming they say, "no," I say, "Don't play coy with me. I know the grapevine around here is pretty quick. You got the lead on the fucking Star City account. Everyone's been gunning for Star City since they came over here from Leo Burnett, and I think you're the [man/woman] to handle it." This leads me to my next question:
12. "So what kind of ad campaign are we looking at for Star City?" When they look at me extremely confused, I say, "Come on, seriously." When they say they don't know what I'm talking about, I press the situation, "Alright, enough of this bullshit. Seriously, what kind of campaign are you thinking about?" I continue this until they actually give me some sort of attempted answer. After they give their answer, I look at them and say, "That might have been one of the worst answers I've heard in my 25 years in the business. It's as if you have no training whatsoever in advertising. Now, I'll kindly ask you to get back to your office and have something better by the morning." Then I look down and start doodling stick figures having sex in a notebook. I look up 10 seconds later and say, "You don't think I'm serious? I could give this to Henderson in a second. Now I know neither of us want this account to go to that ass-kissing prick, but he does good work, so get outta here and make sure he doesn't get the chance."
13. "How long has it been since you had your sex change operation?" This would be a good first or second question. When they say that they haven't had a sex change operation, I say, "Huh. You sure?" When they say "I'm sure," I take out a pen, vigorously cross out an entire page of writing, and then say, "Well, I don't have any more questions. Thanks for coming in."
14. "If you could visit one city in Slovakia, what would it be, and you can't say Bratislava because everyone says Bratislava?"
15. "So, is it true or what?" Assuming they ask, "Is what true?," I make a disgusted look on my face and say, "How can you even look at yourself in the mirror? You know, true friends stab you in the chest." Then I start sobbing for the rest of the interview, occasionally stopping to mutter "I can't believe you would do that" or "you're not even human."
16. "If you could choose to live in Hitler's Germany or Stalin's Russia, which one would you choose?" No matter what they say, I respond by saying, "I think I'm going to vomit," throw a yarmulke at them, and storm out of the room. Alternatively, if they say Russia, I say (with a thick Russian accent), "Bozha moin! Welcome comrade! I've been expecting you." Then I pull out a giant map of the U.S., sweep everything off my desk, put the map on my desk, and explain in detail how we will take down the "regime of the capitalist swine."
17. [to male applicants] "Pretend for a half-second that you aren't a fag. Now, do you have any questions you want to ask me about the firm?"
18. [to female applicants] "Tell me the truth: Do these pants make my cock look enormous or what?" If they say "no," I tell them that they "don't have to be such a queef monger." If they say "yes," I call her a "slut," hold up my left hand, and point to my wedding band.
Well, that's all I got. If I think of any more, I'll post them. In the meantime, take a look at these two drunk college chicks making out in a bar. As far as I'm concerned, they earned that free beer they were promised by every guy in the bar.
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