Tips for Interviewees

Over the last several months, many of you have expressed your satisfaction with GMYH's tips for interviewers (the links are listed somewhere on the right). But it has come to my attention that those tips have left some of you asking, "But GMYH, it'll be years before I'm in a position to interview people. Hell, I don't even have a job. What can you do for me?" I can give you some much needed advice about the types of questions you should be asking your interviewers. Nothing is more stressful than when the person interviewing you asks, "So, what questions do you have?" Next thing you know, you've got 20 minutes to kill and only a "how do you like working here?" up your sleeve. That's never a good thing. So, without further ado, I give you the first in what may one day be a two-part series of questions you can ask the next time you get interviewed.

1. I noticed you have a CD player. Who's your favorite band? No matter what they say, respond with "Mine's Slayer, motherfucker," and then flash a double sign of the goat while you headbang incessantly in your seat.
2. So what's the office policy on fucking?
3. If there was one person in the office that you could kill or maim without any possibility of getting caught, who would it be? Assuming they give you a name, then you respond in one of two ways: (1) "Well sicko, now that I have that on tape, how's about a job?" or (2) "Consider it done," and then lean forward to shake his/her hand.
4. How many dicks do you have to suck to get an office like this? This is a great first question. In fact, it should be your first question in every interview, no matter how big or small the particular office may be. If it's a small office, the interviewer will assume that you're making fun of their office, and therefore that you think you're better than him/her. In turn, it is more likely that you will be hired because you will come across as a go-getter.
5. Is it true that if I were to get a job here that I would be able to use black or blue pens? When they say yes, say "Oh thank God. What a relief! And to think, I wasn't sure if that question was out of bounds." If for some reason they say no, then I think it's safe to simply say "okay" and get up and walk out of the interview.
6. How often do employees get drug tests? If they say never, you say "sweet." If they say anything else, you say "you gotta be fucking kidding me" and walk out of the room.
7. I can see from what you're wearing that today must be some sort of "dress like a bum" day. How often do you guys have that kind of thing? Ask this no matter what they're wearing.
8. Would the health plan cover like 36 scorpion stings?
9. How many, if any, members of the Royal Family are employed here? When they say "none," you reply by saying, "Not even on a consulting basis? That's certainly a surprise."
10. If you could do it all over again, why wouldn't you work here?
11. How much do you work? And don't bullshit me. Immediately follow that up with, "How much vacation time do you get?" Follow that up with, "How soon will I be able to use my entire stock of vacation days?" Follow that up with, "Sounds like you and I are takin' a trip to Tijuana next week."
12. How many secretaries will I have? For any answer under two, mutter under your breath, "you gotta be fucking kidding me."
13. You guys don't have any queers, cripples, or retards working here, do you?
14. The office has a business casual dress code, right? If they say "no," then ask (in disbelief), "Really? Now is that because you hate your employees and want to see them suffer or is it because your company is just extremely behind the times?" If they say that they are business casual, mockingly say, "Well I guess that means I can wear my tie-dyed Jerry bear shirt and Birks? Fucking hippies."
15. How's the water pressure?
16. You won't resent me in a year after I've taken your job, will you? Again, questions like this can only increase your chances of getting the job because it shows that you're a go-getter.
17. What's the policy on cock rings?
18. Out of everyone in the office, who do think would win in a foot race? At first, they probably won't give you an answer. Keep prodding until you get a name, at which point say, "Oooh. I wanna meet [him/her]. [He/she] sounds dreamy."
19. If you could describe your office as any flavor of frozen yogurt, which flavor would it be?
20. Is there a limit on the number of blacklights I can have in my office?

That's all I got for now. If I think of any more, I'll post them.