Callback interviews are upon me, which means that I have more of an opportunity to intimidate the hell out of people. I thought of some more solid interview questions:
1. "Quick, what's another word for thesaurus?"
2. "How much do you bench?" For answers under 250 pounds, I give them a disgusted look and say, "That's it? Get the fuck out of my office?" For answers over 250, I say, "Oh really, 'cause I'm putting up [add 10 pounds to whatever they said]."
3. [In a cryptic, baritone British accent, I ask these in succession with my voice getting louder for each question] "Angel or demon?" "Darkness or light?" "Good or evil?" "Friend or foe?" After their last answer, I let out a boisterous guffaw, and say, "You'll rue the day you met me!"
4. "There are sixteen squirrels in a barrel. Which one are you and why? And please think before you answer."
5. "I sense that you're a Leo, no?" If they say "yes," I growl like a lion, scowl, and make scratching motions with my hands. If they say "no," I continue through the Zodiac signs until reaching theirs. At that point, I say, "[Their Zodiac sign]? Turns out we have enough assholes in this office already. Security!!"
6. "What's your least favorite religion and why?"
7. "What's the best drug you've ever done?" No matter what the answer, I say, "Hell yeah. It's 5 o'clock somewhere, right?" Then I pull a syringe out of my desk, take off my belt, roll up my sleeve, and ask him/her to "fix me."
8. [As soon as I shut my office door after I meet them] "Alright, who else knows you're here?" No matter what they say, I reply, "Shit! That's too many. When are you going to learn to keep your fucking mouth shut? If this gets back to Mendoza, we're both dead."
9. "What's your favorite month?" If they say November, January, or February, I call them a "cold-hearted motherfucker." If they say March, I yell, "Madness!!" If they say April, May, or June, I say, "That's about what I'd expect from a total pussy." If they say July or August, I clap and say, "Play ball!" If they say September, I start singing "September" by Earth, Wind & Fire. If they say October, I smile devilishly, nod several times, throw up the devil horn hand sign, and say, "Fuckin' A, dude, me too! Rocktober! Aaaaoowwww!!" If they say December, I start singing "Oh What a Night" by The Four Seasons.
10. "If there is one thing you wish you wouldn't have told me today, what would it be?" This is obviously an excellent final question.
11. "If an out-of-state plaintiff files a complaint on Tuesday October 4, 2005, but the complaint isn't served until Monday October 10, 2005, under the Ohio Rules of Civil Procedure, when is the last date I can file a motion to dismiss for failure to join an indispensable party? You have 5 seconds."
12. "What's the best shit you've ever taken?" No matter what they say, I stare longingly at the wall behind them and say, "July 26, 1993. Army-Navy Surplus Store. Anchorage, Alaska. 45 minutes."
13. "What instruments can you play?" No matter what they say, I say, "Awesome, dude. You got the gig. We practice every Tuesday night in Jim's mom's basement and every Thursday night in Ronny's parents' garage. Our first show is in two Saturdays playing Northmont High School's Homecoming dance, but we still haven't picked out a name yet. Tommy and Jim like Lust Monkey, Ronny suggested Whiskey Dick and The One-Eyed Jacks, but I really like The Tina Yothers Brothers. We'll probably have an official vote next Tuesday. This is gonna be awesome." This is the first and only question I ask.
14. "Uday or Kusay?" No matter what they answer, I disgustedly reply, "Boy, you're a real piece of work, aren't you?"
15. "Where is Greenland?" No matter what the answer, I throw my hands up in disbelief and exasperatedly say, "That's exactly what those fat cats in Washington want you to think."
16. "Did you know that having sex with a virgin cures AIDS?" Another great first question, followed up with, "Please tell me you're a virgin."
17. "You don't know how excited I am to finally meet you in person. This is going to be fun. Whoever says online swingers sites don't work obviously hasn't tried swingingdayton.com, huh?" This is another good first question. When they look confused, I say, "Oh shit. You're my 3, not my 3:30, aren't you?"
18. [To female applicants] "So, are you the type who likes it slow and easy or fast and hard?" No matter what she says, I turn my head to the left as if I'm talking to someone sitting next to me and say, "Look out, this kitten's got claws."
19. "Who's your favorite Monkee?" Any answer except Peter Tork, I roll my eyes and say, "Oh, the gay one." If they answer Peter Tork, I pick up the phone, call the hiring partner, and excitedly say, "We've got a Tork! We've got a Tork!" Then I sing The Monkees theme song over the phone from beginning to end, hang up, and ask "when can you start?"
20. "What's your favorite Al Pacino line?" No matter what they say, I say, "Mine is when he says 'hoo-ahh!' in Scent of a Woman." Then for the rest of the interview, I yell "Hoo-ahh!" after every answer he/she gives.
21. [In my best Vincent Price voice] "What about the night makes you change from sweet to deranged?" If they know that this is a line from a Black Keys song, I say "well done" and for the remainder of the interview I talk only about my elaborate theory that all Black Keys songs are inspired by Vincent Price, mentioning that "it's so obvious," "those fuckers at theblackkeys.com won't return my calls or emails," and pausing several times to ask, "It makes sense, doesn't it?"
22. "If you could turn one kids cartoon from the past 30 years into a porn, what would it be?" Whatever they say, I reply, "Hell no man! It's gotta be 'Inspector Gadget's Backdoor Adventures.' 'Go go Gadget anal beads!'"
Another strategy I may employ is, in response to every answer they give, I repeat their answer and yell "Brilliant!" just like the guys from the Guinness commercials. No matter what, good times will be had.