Yet another reason this weekend is going to rock the hizzi is because I get to do on-campus interviewing at IU on behalf of my firm on Monday. Finally I can be the intimidator instead of the intimidatee, and more importantly I can be the giver of the ding letter instead of the receiver (I have over 200 ding letters from my law school days--seriously). Here's my game plan: I have 30 minutes with each chump, so I plan to have them come in and sit down as if it will be a normal interview. I will then mill through their resume and transcript for 10 minutes, making various grunts, snickers, and eye rolls, and occasionally muttering things under my breath, such as "good one Corky," "this guy's a fucking moron," or "yeah right, asshole." After that, I will chuckle to myself, shake my head, throw their resume and transcript behind me, and just stare intently at them for 10 minutes, occasionally sighing. After that, I will ask questions for the last 10 minutes. Here are some good ones I thought of:
1. "Bill or Ted, dude?!" If they say Bill, I say "excellent!" If they say Ted, I say "bogus!"
2. "Who told you I was here?" This would be a good first question.
3. "Who is your favorite Ramone?"
4. "Which would you rather drink: a cup of vomit or a cup of diarrhea?" No matter what they say, I open a drawer, grab a styrofoam cup with a lid on it, hand it to them and say, "Well my friend, it's your lucky day. The last guy went with [the opposite of their choice]. Chug-a-lug!"
5. "Got any coke?"
6. "If you could be any breed of lion, which one would you be?"
7. "What are you still doing here?" This would also be a good first question, but an even better second question.
8. "Give me an example of when you lied or cheated to get ahead." If they say never, I'll say, "But isn't that what you just did?"
9. "Who is your favorite serial killer?" It doesn't really matter what they say here (although they would get bonus points if they say the Green River Killer--man, that guy could kill hookers), because in response -- while slowly walking toward the door to lock it and then going over to my briefcase and shuffling around inside it -- I'll say, "Yeah, he was okay, but I'm a bigger fan of the Dayton Demon. That guy's a genius. You probably haven't heard of him. His modus operandi is that he convinces his victims that he's someone other than who he says he is. He usually presents himself with a French surname. The victim usually doesn't suspect a thing because the guy looks normal and speaks very eloquently, but he talks about himself in the third person. From all the police can tell from the way they find his victims, he comes across as very calm and collected, and then . . . he . . . just . . . FUCKING SNAPS!!" Then I start smacking myself in the head and howl like a hyena.
10. "What number am I thinking of right . . . NOW?" Whatever their guess is, I say "Right! What about . . . NOW?" This cycle continues for the remainder of the interview.
11. "If you were an elm tree, how would communicate with the other elm trees? And remember, I said elm tree."
12. "What's your favorite gun?" No matter what the response, I will point at them and yell, "Pussy!!"
13. "Are you so naive to think that we're alone in this universe?" If they respond by saying something about not believing in aliens, I say, "But what about the Visigoths? Think about it."
14. "Why did you break up with me?"
15. "I'm telepathic. Let's see if you are." Then I look down, close my eyes, and concentrate. After a few seconds, I look up and say, "So you think I'm crazy, huh? This interview is over," and I escort them out of the room.
16. "Quick, give me 10 reasons not to name your child [the interviewee's name]."
17. "How many homeless people are you willing to kill for this job?" Assuming they answer 1 or more, I respond by throwing them a sword and saying, "Perfect. To the streets!!"
18. "When will you accept David Blaine as the second coming of Christ?"
19. "Do you have herpes?" After they say no, I say, "Well, the day ain't over yet," and then I wink and smile seductively.
20. "If you could share a prison cell with any one of the Brady children, who would it be?" For all answers but Greg, I would say, "But Greg has such soft skin." If they answer with Greg, I say, "God I admire you."
21. "Who is your favorite character in the movie Dune?" If they answer this one, I immediately kick them out.
22. "If you could only pronounce one word correctly, what would it be?"
23. "Sing!!" When they start to ask what I mean, I cut them off and yell it again until they start singing, at which point I pretend I'm an orchestra conducter.
24. "Would you rather stab yourself in the eyes with a pen or snort a shot of Tabasco?" Once they answer the latter, I say, "That's what I thought," and then I look at my pen, put it in my pocket, and hand them a shot of Tabasco and a straw.
25. "Laci Peterson or Chandra Levy?" No matter what they answer, I call them a "sicko."
26. "Nice suit. I've paid for back-alley handjobs that cost more than that. So what interests you about our firm?"
27. "What's your favorite character from Norse Mythology, and you can't say Thor, because everyone says Thor?"
28. "Just exactly what makes you think you're qualified to be a neurosurgeon at this hopsital. You haven't even gone to medical school." When they explain that this is an interview for a law firm job, I gather my things and leave without saying a word.
29. "Why haven't you ever been to Morocco?" When they try to explain themselves, I cut them off and say, "But it's fucking Morocco!"
30. "A triceratops and Dennis Hopper get into a fight. Who wins and why?" No matter what they answer, I excitedly reply, "That's exactly what I've been trying to tell those fools at NASA!"
Needless to say, I'm going to have a great time on Monday.