Wednesday, October 12, 2005

Bosses, Hosses, and Losses

So yesterday I learned that this coming Monday (10/17) is Bosses Day. Isn't every day Bosses Day? Isn't that kind of like having a White History Month?

Additionally, yesterday a surprise interview was sprung on me when someone else had to meet with a client or some shit like that. I don't do well unprepared and under intense pressure. I tend to forget what I'm legally allowed and not allowed to ask people. So the interviewee gets led to my office by the previous interviewer. I introduce myself, tell her to have a seat, close my door, and sit down at my desk. The conversation goes something like this:
Me: I gotta be honest, I haven't had much time to look over your resume, so I'm going to look it over briefly while you're in here.
Her: Okay.
[I stare intently at her resume without blinking or moving at all for 15 minutes. After that, I look up and smile]
Me: Very impressive resume. Top 5%, law review, president of the student bar asso--
[I stop mid-sentence and stare at her gut for a few seconds with a look of confusion.]
Me: I see you're carrying. Congratulations.
Her: Uh, I'm not pregnant.
Me: You sure? Looks like twins to me.
Her: Yeah, I'm pretty sure.
Me: Well, you might want to get it checked out just in case. Either way, it reminds me--we have great health benefits here and we just built our own exercise facility in the basement of the building. Although I gotta say, you'll probably be fired if you do get pregnant, especially with no ring on that finger. No one likes a leech. And it's not like your gettin' any younger. Anyway, let's move on.
Her: Yes, please, let's move on.
Me: What kind of last name is that? Frog? Kraut? Dego?
Her: Uh, it's Bulgarian.
Me: Ahh, a bohunk, eh? That's funny. We don't have any of those here, except for the cleaning staff of course. So you're probably some sort of fucked up bohunk religion, too?
Her: No, just Catholic.
Me: Okay okay, stop trying to press your old-world views on me. Alright, maybe you can answer this for me. My buddy and I were having a conversation, and he said that law school chicks are easier than undergrad chicks. I know I definitely fucked more in undergrad than I did in law school. Since you're obviously a lesbian, maybe you can give me an answer from both perspectives.
Her: I'm not a lesbian, and frankly, I'm a little bit uncomfortable with the questions you're asking. Can we just talk about what's on my resume?
Me: A case of the interview day jitters there Ellen? We've all had them. Want a nip of the hair of the dog?
[I pull out a flask, take a long swig, say "aaaahhhhh" really loudly, hold it out for her, and smile creepily while raising and lowering my eyebrows.]
Her: No thanks, I drove here, and plus, I really don't think it's appropriate to drink during an interview.
Me: Okay Carrie A. Nation, I get the hint, and while I'm very flattered, I'm also very married. And just to cut off your next question at the pass, no, we are not swingers. Let's move on. How do you think your experience working for a couple years in between undergrad and law school will help you as a lawyer? And so help me God, Lolita, if you say that you learned how to sleep your way to the top, this interview is over.
Her: Well, I was in sales, so I learned how to deal with many different kinds of people, and I learned that certain things please certain people while other things please others. I also learned how to make clients happy, not only by telling them what they want to hear, but also by making sure I could follow through on their requests.
Me: For shit's sake, were you in sales or hooking?
Her: What?!
Me: It's a simple question: were you a saleswoman or a hooker?
Her: Okay, this is getting ridiculous. Obviously I wasn't a hooker.
Me: Well you never know. Some guys prefer fatties. Moving on, I'm one of the younger associates you're interviewing with today. Is there anything you want to know about working here that you might not want to ask one of the partners?
Her: Yeah, what can I expect working here as a first-year associate?
Me: Well, I'd be lying if I said it's a walk in the park. Billables are 1900. You'll be working anywhere from 7 to 8 hours a day. You can have all the free pop you want. And you can pretty much take any day off you want as long as you send out an email that says you're going to be out of the office.
Her: That actually does sound like a walk in the park.
Me: You didn't let me finish. To get it that easy, you have to do 3 of the following 6 things in your first week: (1) kill a homeless man (not a woman--they're easy) with the firm's battle axe without getting caught; (2) go down on every partner, male or female, which I guess shouldn't be an issue for you; (3) go over to Thompson Hine and take a shit in the middle of the bathroom floor; (4) run a 4-minute mile; (5) wear only oversized diapers to work and drink only out of a formula bottle for a week; or (6) instead of speaking, you have to sing everything you say. If you can't do 3 of those things, then you're pretty much screwed because you have to pick up the slack for everyone who was able to do 3 of those things. We can pretty much count you out for the 4-minute mile, and it doesn't look like you're wily enough to kill a homeless man. Lord knows no one wants to see you in daipers, so warm up those vocals chords, relax that sphincter, and get used to sucking old dick and munching some hairy old poon.
Her: You are so fired. I'm going to tell your boss everything you've said and report you to the EEOC.
Me: Ah ah ah, sing it, don't say it.
Her: I'm outta here.
Me: Well, your time is up anyway. Thanks for coming in. Here's my card. Give me a call or email me if you have any questions about working here, and no question is off-limits. Seriously. Hmm, I just noticed that you went to IU undergrad and that you're from Chicago. We could have had a lot to talk about. Nice meeting you.
Her: Go to hell.

She walked out and headed straight for the elevators. Needless to say, I recommended that she be hired. Fiesty, doesn't take any shit, and a surefire instant starter on our firm rugby team, if such a team existed.

In more disturbing news, the Sox are down 1-0 to the Angels in the ALCS, which is obviously not a good thing. They certainly screwed up some opportunities. Podsednik not only got caught stealing, but then he royaly messed up what should have been a sacrifice bunt (and if he would have gotten it down, they could have scored the tying run on Dye's single a couple batters later). It's never a good idea to have AJ Pierzynski attempt a stolen base, but he did, and whoever was at bat messed up the hit-and-run. Rowand scorched what should have been a sac bunt to third base, which meant the runner was out at 2nd. Maybe the couple days off made the Sox lazy. Whatever it was, they need to pick it up tonight and get their first ever home win in the ALCS (seriously).

Astros/Cardinals start up tonight. Go 'Stros.

3 comments:

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