Monday, October 30, 2006

Golden Showers of Awesomeness

Just when I thought the weekend in B-town two weeks ago was the best IU weekend ever, a new one comes right along and blows it out of the water.

It all started Thursday night, when Jessie was very adamant about me opening one of my presents, even though my birthday -- my golden birthday at that -- wasn't until Sunday. You can imagine how happy I was when I opened a case of Caffrey's tallboys that Jessie had shipped from the UK. Oh sweet elixir of the gods, how I've missed thee. I took four to Bloomington and consumed them with tears of joy streaming down my face while tailgating.

Friday after work, Ari, Jessie, and I piled into The Blaab and headed down to B-town for Homecoming Weekend, arriving at some point after ten. We met up with Amy Lee, Kip, and Kip's friend Mark at The Upstairs Pub. Meanwhile, Holt was freaking out somewhere about the Cardinals winning the World Series. The AMFs were flowing, and a pretty decent number of people were in costumes, including what I assume is supposed to be a sailor on some sort of floating brothel:

God bless her. We also saw Cory Lidle, complete with wings and a halo:

We did not see any Steve Irwins or dead Amish schoolgirls.

After Upstairs, we all went over to Kilroy's. God I miss Kilroy's. Shots flowed. We conversed with Cory Lidle. Good times were had. Then we went to Bamba's, where I had a delicious burrito and conversed with former Hoosier linebacker Jamie Baisley.

Saturday morning, the alarm went off at 8, which was fine, since it was tailgating time. I carried my 4 Caffrey's to the tailgating fields, where Holt and I met his buddy Clint and tailgated joyfully. One thing I thought was odd for a Big Ten university to do on Homecoming was to disallow vehicles from entering the tailgating fields. Granted, it was muddy, but it was still Homecoming. The fields looked barren compared to how they usually are.

The game itself was delicious, with IU pounding Michigan State 46-21 to take back the Old Brass Spittoon.

Number of victories until IU clinches Motor City Bowl berth: 1

After the game, my dad took Jessie and me to Anatolia, a new Turkish restaurant in B-town. It was really good -- probably the best hummus I've ever had. Unfortunately I was burping up adana kebob for much of the night.

Once we got back to the hotel, I transformed myself into Ace Frehley. Jester then took me to Brad "Gene Simmons" Mundy's apartment, where he and his buddy Dan (who was Paul Stanley) were getting ready. Both of them are IU Optometry School students, and we were headed to the Optometry School Halloween party (hereinafter, "The OSHP"). Both of them looked pretty awesom in their costumes. Brad, who is already 6'4", had platform boots that brought him damn near the 7-foot mark. Dan (who has never seen me out of makeup and who I have never seen out of makeup) had platform boots as well, making him probably aroun 6'6". I did not have platform boots, leaving me to wallow at the 5'9" mark. Dan's girlfriend Stephanie was dressed up as a KISS groupie. She had some sweet white patent leather platform boots, although she was not towering over me like the other two. Additionally, Brad's girlfriend Ashley was going as a female Harry Potter, and Brad's roommate Paul was going as a football player who looked very little like Peter Criss.

Before we went to The OSHP, we took several shots of some grape-flavored vodka, drank a few beers, and passed around a bottle of champagne, which was just the tip of our booze-infused iceberg. We were fucking rock stars Saturday night, and I'll be damned if we didn't act like it.

When we arrived at The OSHP (which was held in a big room at what I think was an apartment complex's clubhouse), everyone in the entire room turned and looked at us, as well they should have. At some point during The OSHP, Ace Frehley started to refer to himself only in the third person. KISS won the costume contest at The OSHP. This was no surprise to Ace Frehley, as he has never lost a costume contest in Bloomington.

After The OSHP, KISS went to a party at an optometry student's nearby apartment. Some girl was making a hot drink on the stove that had a lot of rum in it. Ace Frehley had a glass of this demon punch. When asked how it tasted, Ace Frehley stated bluntly, "It tastes like AIDS." Ace Frehley does not know what AIDS tastes like.

Ace Frehley tried to call Yellow Cab to take KISS to the bars. Ace Frehley was not impressed with Yellow Cab's response. Luckily, someone was nice enough to drive KISS to the bars, Nick's in particular, which is where Jessie (a bat), Ari (a flight attendant), Amy (Amy), Holt (a Revolutionary War general), and Katie (Goldilocks) were meeting us. Ace Frehley decided that Ace Frehley doesn't wait in lines. Unfortunately, other people didn't agree with Ace Frehley, so Ace Frehley waited in line to get into Nick's.

The arrival of KISS to Nick's was akin to the arrival of The Beatles at JFK on February 7, 1964. Ace Frehley greeted Holt in an appropriate manner:
Ace Frehley found out rather quickly that random people love to buy Ace Frehley shots. Ace Frehley likes shots. Ace Frehley got called Peter Criss several times. Ace Frehley is a space man. Ace Frehley is not a fucking cat. Ace Frehley hates stupid people and is not afraid to correct them.

People like to have their pictures taken with KISS. KISS is very photogenic, even though Ace Frehley doesn't smile.

During the course of the night, Ace Frehley felt the need to randomly sing, "Everybody knows she's looking good. And the lady knows it's understood. Strutter!" Said serenades were complemented by Ace Frehley singing, "'Cause I'm back, back in a New York groove" and imploring people to shock him. Ace Frehley does not recall being shocked. On several occasions, Ace Frehley declared himself the King of the Nighttime World. Ace Frehley made a habit of telling women, "I'll meet meet you in the ladies room." To the best of his recollection, Ace Frehley did not meet anyone in any lavatory.

KISS went to The Jungle Room and Upstairs after Nick's. Ace Frehley does not know whether he went to Upstairs first or The Jungle Room first. In fact, Ace Frehley recalls a total of 45 seconds after 11pm. It is entirely possible that Ace Frehley blacked out. Ace Frehley remembers very little about the Jungle Room or Upstairs. Ace Frehley does not remember turning 29 at midnight. Ace Frehley does not remember what he assumes was outright joy when the clocks fell back an hour and he gained an extra hour of drinking time, although Ace Frehley is certain that he took advantage of that extra hour. Today, Ace Frehley would learn from Gene Simmons that a newspaper photographer took KISS's picture while we were at Nick's. Ace Frehley has no reason to doubt that said photograph was taken, although Ace Frehley has no idea what paper his picture might be in and no recollection of said picture being taken. That's fine because Ace Frehley is comfortable with how much he drinks. Ace Frehley may have killed a man Saturday night. And that man's name is Ace Frehley.

Ace Frehley vaguely remembers going to Bamba's and ordering super steak nachos even those Ace Frehley had no intention of eating super steak nachos. Ace Frehley threw away a full container of super steak nachos just because Ace Frehley could. Ace Frehley does not recall the walk back to the hotel, although Ace Frehley recalls taking what may well have been an hour-long shower back at the hotel. Ace Frehley's shower did a mediocre job of removing Ace Frehley's makeup. Ace Frehley cannot be killed, not even by himself. Ace Frehley's wife forgot her contact lens case, so she put saline solution and her contacts in two glasses in the bathroom. According to Ace Frehley's wife, she warned Ace Frehley repeatedly that these glasses were not to be used for drinking purposes. Allegations have surfaced that Ace Frehley drank one of his wife's contact lenses. Ace Frehley is in no position to confirm or deny those allegations. Ace Frehley is fearful that he will pass a contact lens quite soon, if he has not done so already. Somehow Ace Frehley woke up Sunday morning to realize that he spent less than $20 Saturday night. Ace Frehley loves Bloomington, but fears his next credit card statement. Ace Frehley was still drunk when he woke up Sunday morning and remained so for several hours. Ace Frehley rules.

6 comments:

RDC said...

While I'm sure Dan is a nice guy, looking at him in costume does little but remind me what a complete douche bag Paul Stanley is...he angers me to look at.

That's right KISS fans...I said it.

GMYH said...

Ace Frehley thinks Ryan needs a nap.

RDC said...

Ace Frehley should be more concerned with the effects of saline solution on the human digestive track than he is with the sleeping habits of bitter 26 year-olds.

Anonymous said...

ace frehley rocks. i love it. lynn

Anonymous said...

As a longtime reader of your blog, I can say with authority that this is your finest post in some time. Awesome.

You are a machine.

GMYH said...

Ace Frehley appreciates your authority and the fact that you are enabling Ace Frehley's habits. However, while Ace Frehley cannot be killed, Ace Frehley is not a machine. Ace Frehley is a space man.