Saturday, January 07, 2006

Mr. 6000 - Adam McClure

***This is a fake biography. It is purely satirical and devoid of truth. Any names, places, events, etc. discussed in the following biography are not real and are purely coincidental to and have no connection whatsoever to any names, places, events, etc. that may exist in the real world.***

On the morning of September 12, 1978, in the Scottish harbor town of Portree on the Isle of Skye, Troy MacClure paced nervously up and down the hallways of Portree General Hospital. Hours earlier, his wife Selma had gone into labor with the couple's first child. He prayed to St. Andrew for a boy to carry on the tradition of his forefathers, who fought alongside Robert the Bruce at the Battle of Bannockburn, in the Year of our Lord, Thirteen Fourteen. A 1995 account of the battle had this to say: "Patriots of Scotland -- starving and outnumbered -- charged the fields of Bannockburn. They fought like warrior poets; they fought like Scotsmen, and won their freedom." Troy's prayers were answered when, at 1:14pm, Selma gave birth to a boy, who they named Adam Inverness Wallace MacClure.

Much to the chagrin of their neighbors, they had been trying to conceive a child since their traditional Scottish wedding in June 1976. Both Troy and Selma had grown up on the Isle of Skye. Troy's ancestors had remained in Scotland, unlike many, who emigrated to Ireland in the 16th and 17th Centuries. While Troy and his distant kin across the Sea of the Hebrides may no longer have shared a country, they certainly shared a deep-seeded hatred of the English.

During the day, Troy worked as a distillation assistant at the Talisker Distillery in nearby Carbost, a little less than a half-hour from Portree. At night, he headed of the Scotch-running operations of the small, but surprisingly angry, MacLeod arm of the Scottish mafia (known colloquially as "The Dunvegans"), ruled with an iron fist from Castle Dunvegan (also on the Isle of Skye). Selma was a seamstress by day, and at night, she too was involved with The Dunvegans as the lead educator for the children of Dunvegans. She taught the children to embrace their Scottish heritage and to become militant and vigilant in their hatred of the English.

Growing up in such an environment, Adam indeed embraced his Scottishness. At three, he asked Troy and Selma for their permission to have "Hold Fast" (the motto of Clan MacLeod) tattooed across his knuckles. Touched, they allowed it. At age four, Adam was in his first football brawl, shattering a beer bottle over an opposing player's head after a game. He religiously followed his favorite team, Aberdeen, each year as they marched toward the Scottish Cup.

Troy and Selma were overjoyed. As Selma explained in a 2004 interview with Bon Appetit Magazine: "I thought Troy was going to cry when Adam asked for his first caber for Christmas in 1982. How could we not get it for him? We even allowed him to drink Scotch ale, and the occasional sip of Scotch whisky, because he felt that he could become a greater Scot by doing so. It was touching. We were so proud of how Adam was turning out. He was just so damned Scottish."

But not even Adam's Scottishness could have kept MacClures in Scotland. By late 1983, Troy became increasingly infuriated with The Dunvegans. He felt that there needest to be more of a focus on "making the rivers run red with the blood of 1,000 Englishmen each and every day." Despite Troy's constant pleas for more bloodshed and hooliganism, Alistair MacLeod (aka "The Don of the Dunvegans") refused because he wanted to focus more on the Scotch-running trade to Middle Eastern countries, where alcohol (and certainly Scotch from the Isle of Skye) was hard to come by.

On the night of November 2, 1983, Troy received £523,000, in exchange for which he was supposed to have shipped about 5,000 cases of Scotch to Saudi Arabia. Instead of sending the boat to Riyadh, as planned, Troy slaughtered the boat's crew of 12, quietly and efficiently in less than 10 minutes. He then grabbed Selma and Adam, and the three of them set sail with the money and the Scotch.

After a little over a week of travel, the MacClures landed in Houston, Texas, where Troy shortened the family's surname to McClure (the Irish variation of the name). The move turned out to be a good one, since no henchmen hired by The Dunvegans would ever think that a Scot would change his last name to sound Irish. In order to protect young Adam, Troy also changed Adam's middle name to Matthew.

Troy then took the family to Midland, Texas with an extremely poorly-thought-out plan to start a single-malt Scotch bootlegging cartel, only to realize that alcohol was completely legal in the United States and, in fact, Scotch from the Isle of Skye was being imported to Texas each and every day. To make ends meet, Troy started to sell the bottles of Scotch to the townspeople out of the family's garage, and Selma got a job at a local tailor.

The adjustment to life in West Texas was difficult for the McClures. As Adam explained in a 2001 interview with Club Magazine, "It was a rough transition. First of all, for about the first year, no one could understand a word I said. They thought my kilt was a dress and tried to pummel me for wearing it. When I suggested the caber toss as an activity in gym class, not even my teacher knew what I was talking about. There wasn't a pub in the town where I could grab a pint of Auld Tartan Wee Heavy and watch Aberdeen play Celtic in '84. For Christ's sake, it was the Scottish Cup title game. And I'll be a bloody Englishman if I could find a decent haggis or cranachan around town. Not a decent piper to be found, either."

Adam was not the only one who had a difficult time adjusting. Due to the discernible lack of Scotch whisky distilleries in Midland, Troy was unable to find work in his previous line of employment. He applied to coach football at Midland Lee High School because he had heard of its status as a football powerhouse, and he thought he could "bring some Scottish fire to the team to help them stomp those no good bastards from Permian." He was not hired, since it was in fact not the kind of "football" Troy had ever played.

Furthermore, the market for Scotch in Midland was not nearly what it was in the Middle East, and Troy was forced to turn to the bottle himself, both for comfort and to clear space for the family's new Jaguar. Before long, Troy was a full-fledged alcoholic, and he began to blame his unemployment on Adam. As Adam recounted, "He would tell me that the reason he didn't have a job was because I didn't love Scotland enough. Then I would yell at him and tell him that he was the one who took me from my homeland. Then he would throw an empty bottle at me, missing horribly. Then I would yell, 'Nice shot you fuckin' Englishman,' and that would really set him off. He would throw books at me and try to stab me, all the while crying about me being a traitor. I would cut him with the shards of glass left on the floor from the myriad of broken Scotch bottles. Eventually I would say something along the lines of, 'If I don't love Scotland, then why the hell am I holding fast right now? And why do all my clothes bear the tartan of MacLeod of Harris?' Then his eyes would start to tear up, and he would say, 'You're a Scot, you little bastard. I love you son.' Then he would throw down his knife, bottle, or book, and give me a hug. This little exchange happened happened daily for well over a year."

While the unhealthy amount of Scotch Troy was drinking was taking its toll on his liver, it didn't have any effect on his sperm count. On March 26, 1986, Selma gave birth to the couple's second child, Jessica. Adam took an immediate liking to his new sister. Even when she was only a few days old, he would tell her about significant events in Scottish history and have point-counterpoint discussions with himself about the validity of various Scottish cultural phenomena. "I just wanted to make sure she saw both sides of the story when it came to such things as killing the English, football, pint drinking contests, and steak and kidney pie," he said.

As the relationship between Adam and Jessica began to solidify, so did Troy's liver. Cirrhosis had taken hold. By Adam's 7th birthday, Troy was on his death bed. On September 30, 1986, Troy passed away in his hospital bed with his family by his side. Right before he died, he motioned for Adam to approach his bed. Adam recalled, "He was barely able to talk or move, but he grabbed my shirt and pulled me close. He said, 'Cirrhosis may take my life, but it'll never take MY FREEDOM!' Then he gasped a couple times, smiled, and closed his eyes forever."

Troy's death was hard on Adam at first, but he soon realized that he had to take over the role as man of the house. To help Selma out with bills, Adam took afterschool jobs as a bootblack and a chimney sweep. And he helped take care of Jessica as well, teaching her many childhood games, including Ring Around the Rosey, Duck Duck Goose, the Caber Toss, Hide-and-Seek, Ghosts in the Graveyard, and Kick the Englishman (the Scottish variation of Kick the Can). Just as things started to get back to normal at the McClure household, on October 14, 1987, tragedy struck again while Adam and Jessica played Jessica's favorite game.

Adam recalls, "Jessica wasn't very good at a lot of the game I taught her because she wasn't even 2 yet and I always beat her, but there was one game she loved to play: Hide-and-Seek. Even the first time we played, she was excellent. I think she hid in an detached toilet we had lying around in the basement. After that, she really perfected her craft. I mean, she would hide just about anywhere: the laundry hamper, cabinets, dresser drawers, the oven, the washer, the dryer, the dishwasher, and pretty much anywhere else more than 8 inches in diameter. She would always tell me she had 'the ultimate hiding spot' that she was saving. I guess she found it."

On that day, as Adam counted to 100, 18-month-old Jessica crept out of the house, into the backyard, arriving at an old, abandoned well that had long since dried up. She hoisted herself into the bucket and slowly lowered herself to the bottom of the well. About half-way down, the teathered rope snapped, and Jessica plummeted to the bottom of the well. To make things worse, there was no grating covering the pipe at the bottom of the well. Consequently, Jessica became wedged in the 8-inch-wide pipe at the bottom of the well.

Adam spent hours looking for her, until he finally pinpointed the location of her cries. It took paramedics, led by a man in a red hat wearing a red stethoscope, 58 hours to free Jessica from the well, and her story made national headlines. Both Adam and Selma were overjoyed that Jessica was still alive. The Department of Children's Services, however, was not so overjoyed. In a strange move only allowed in Texas, the DCS awarded custody of Jessica to another family in Midland with the last name McClure, in exchange for that family's 5-year-old son, Ryan, custody of whom would go to Selma. Most people did not even notice the switch, including filmmakers, whose 1989 made-for-TV movie "Everybody's Baby: The Rescue of Jessica McClure" featured portrayals of Jessica's new parents (Selma and Adam were not even mentioned) and recounted an entirely different story regarding how Jessica came to be stuck in that 8-inch-wide pipe.

As part of the DCS's order, Selma, Adam, and Ryan had to leave the state of Texas and agree never to contact Jessica again. In addition, Adam and Selma were required to lose their Scottish accents, so that Ryan (who had a neurological disorder that prevented him from remembering anything before the move) would not become confused as to why his mom and brother had Scottish accents. Meanwhile, Jessica's new parents were not allowed to mention anything about her real family or the real events of October 14-16, 1987. As recently as a 2004 interview with Stuff Magazine, Jessica still had no idea about the real events of those fateful 58 hours.

Selma, Adam, and Ryan moved to historic Spring Avenue in LaGrange, Illinois, a western suburb of Chicago, where Adam and Ryan enrolled at LaGrange's prestigious Cossitt Elementary School. Adam's classmates at Cossitt included the following:
-Future Junior Ultimate Fighting Champion, Greg Weeser*
-Future Park Junior High School Student Council Presidential candidate, John Yates
-Future WWE Divas champion, Gina Mabin
-Future railroad conducter, James Hayden
-The inspiration behind the movie Powder, J.P. Sell
-Future trophy wife to some old guy with a ton of money, Kate Laswell.

But it was one classmate in particular that would change Adam from a boy who loved playing with Atari and M.A.S.K. toys into a full-fledged sexually charged man. It was at Cossitt where Adam would meet the first great love of his life, Cuban dissident Conchita Smith. When Adam met Conchita during Mrs. Holton's art class, he began to experience feelings that up until then he had only read about when he accidentally picked up Selma's copy of Danielle Steele's "Season of Passion."

Conchita and Adam enjoyed an on-again-off-again relationship for the next several years. He taught her how to play Kick the Englishman, while she taught him how to play some more devlish games, such as Spin the Bottle, Miss Me Miss Me Now You Gotta Kiss Me (a rudimentary game in which the 2 contestants try to tackle each other, whereby an unsuccessful tackler must kiss the missed tacklee), and Hide the Nerf Ball.

Unfortunately for Adam, Conchita had wandering eyes (among other body parts). On January 18, 1990, Adam found Conchita playing Miss Me Miss Me Now You Gotta Kiss Me with Eric Busch on the Cossitt playground. Adam didn't even get the chance to talk to Conchita about what she was doing. Instead, in a callow move, Conchita sent future stripper Katie Sylvester to tell Adam that "Conchita hate[d] [him] and was breaking up with [him]."

Losing Conchita sent Adam into a 6-year depression, plagued by awkward relationships with the opposite sex, alcohol abuse, drug abuse, eating disorders, and vigilant, steadfast masturbation. By the time Adam graduated from Lyons Township High School in 1996, he was 6'2", but weighed only 120 pounds. His coke habit was up to $500 a day, and he ate only once a month. As he explained, "Every day was worse than the previous day. In essence, every day was the worst day of my life."

It wasn't until an August 1996 encounter with a former junior high classmate, famed bullfighter Tony Zumpano, that Adam realized he needed to make changes. "Tony took me to Paul's Pizza in Westchester and bought me a beef and cheese on garlic. It was like an epiphany. Frankly, I was sick and tired of being sick and tired, and that's what I needed to turn my life around: an Italian beef sandwich," recalled Adam.

Adam enrolled in the College of DuPage in Glen Ellyn, Illinois, with the goal of getting a culinary degree. He soon changed his mind and decided to major in accounting. Then he switched him major to botany. Then he switched his major to ceramics. By 1998, he had switched his major a record 23 times. "The school just had so much to offer that I felt like I had to try everything before I transferred."

The transfer Adam was talking about came in the fall of 1998, when he enrolled at Eastern Illinois University. While graduating with a bachelor's degree was one goal for Adam, he had another goal that consumed every waking moment: to lose his virginity. During junior high and high school, Adam was too strung out to acheive coitus with a female, and while at DuPage, he was never in one major long enough to meet anyone.

Adam's dreams came true on February 19, 1999, when he met a girl named Molly at a "kegger" party. Adam and Molly became severely intoxicated while drinking lager at the party, and eventually Adam drank up the courage to ask Molly to return to his apartment with him, to which she obliged.

The next eleven hours are somewhat of a blur to Adam. However, his roommates at the time have no problem recollecting the night's events. Ryan Knudsen, whose room was next to Adam's, explained, "I had a psychology test the next morning, so I was up all night studying, as I had been for the previous 72 hours. To say that Adam had beginner's luck is a bit of an understatement. For Christ's sake, the guy went down on her for 3 hours in a row. She came like 45 times."

Sean Riesenbeck, who shared a room with Adam, has this to say: "In the past when Adam would bring someone home, I would go watch TV for a half hour or so, at which point the girl would come out of the room laughing and head straight for the door. Adam would then emerge in tears after yet another failed attempt to plow some drunk chick. But man, when he nailed Molly, I slept on the couch the whole night. I really shouldn't say 'slept' because it was hard to sleep when Adam was banging her for five hours. Without stopping. And that was just the first time that night. She was loving it, though. I mean, she must have come like 73 times."

Unashamed of his newly discovered sexual prowess, Adam began to videotape his sexual encounters, receiving full consent from each female and of course editing the tapes down to around an hour from the 8-10 hours they were initially. He began to reproduce and sell the tapes around campus, using the pseudonym Matthew Spring. Soon Adam had saved enough money to buy some high-quality video cameras and editing equipment and start his own production company, Spring Brothers Production. His fellow male actors were comprised entirely of guys who had lived on the same street as Adam in LaGrange -- Spring Avenue. Joining Adam, or "Matthew" was Anthony Spring, David Spring, Douglas Spring, and Fitzgerald Spring.

Billing themselves as the Spring Brothers, they took the adult film market by storm. Between 1999 and 2003, the Spring Brothers racked up AVN awards by the mouthful. Here are some of the awards:
-Best Male Newcomer, Matthew Spring
-Best Actor - Video, Douglas Spring, "Spring Is In the Air"
-Best Actress - Video, Air Diamonte, "Spring Is In the Air"
-Best New Video Production Company, Spring Brothers Productions
-Best Video Feature, "Spring Is Here"
-Best Anal-Themed Feature, "Springtime in Uranus"
-Best Oral-Themed Feature, "A Touch of Spring (In Your Mouth)"
-Best Supporting Actor - Video, David Spring, "The Joy of Spring"
-Best Actress - Video, Joy Spring, "the Joy of Spring"
-Best Oral Sex Scene - Video, Anthony Spring and Luscious Lipps, "A Touch of Spring (In Your Mouth)"
-Best Art Direction - Video, Fitzgerald Spring, "Springtime in Uranus"
-Best Special Effects, "Springtime in Uranus"
-Best Oral-Themed Feature, "Spring Is In the Hair"
-Best Actress - Video, Autumn Kelly, "Autumn Comes Before Spring"
-Best Cinematography, "Autumn Comes Before Spring"
-Most Outrageous Sex Scene, Sandi Bush, Kitty Kitty, David Spring, Douglas Spring, the 'How Am I Ever Going to Get this Gum Out of My Hair?' scene in "Spring Is In the Hair"
-Male Performer of the Year, David Spring
-Best Director - Video, Matthew Spring, "Spring Into Summer"
-Best Actress - Video, Summer Wilde, "Spring Into Summer"
-Best Sex Comedy - "Spring Training: Bloopers and Outtakes from Spring Brothers Productions"
-Best Group Sex Scene - Video, Carla Areola, Jenna Splitz, Anthony Spring, David Spring, Douglas Spring, Fitzgerald Spring, Matthew Spring, Dominique Zanzabar, "Spring Break Sperm Attack"
-Best Oral-Themed Feature, "Spring Showers"
-Best Actress - Video, Wind Rayne, "A Spring Wind Blows"
-Best Video Feature, "Spring Break Sperm Attack"

At the 2003 AVN Awards, Adam met female adult film star Kathleen "Volleyball Katie" Wegner, who was using adult films to help finance her dental school tuition. That year, Katie won AVN Awards for Best New Starlet, Best Actress - Film for "Back Side Out," and Best Girl-on-Girl Scene - Video for "Spike and Dykes." Adam and Katie hit it off in spectacular fashion.

Adam proposed to Katie in March of 2004, and she of course said "yes." The happy couple currently resides in Las Vegas. Using their connections from the adult film industry, Adam and Katie formed two of Nevada's most famous and successful brothels, Adam's Madam's, located outside Las Vegas, and McClure's Whures, located outside Reno. In addition, Adam and Katie became vegans in late 2004, and they formed a soy-based cheese-like product company called Dunvegan Soy Cheese Concern. Their products include the following imitation versions of real cheeses: Instead-a-Feta, Woulda-Coulda-Gouda, Better'n-Cheddar, Not-So-Rella, Free-of-Brie, Miss Swiss, Nolby, Novalone, and Withotta Ricotta. The January 2006 issue of Cheese Glorious Cheese Magazine named Adam and Katie "Cheese Moguls of the Year" for 2005.

About his life, Adam had this to say: "Hoot, I cannae get back to mae hoos in bonny Scotland. But at's been a hell of a ride anyhoo, aye?"

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