Thursday, October 13, 2005

Mr. 1000

***This is a fake biography. It is purely satirical and devoid of truth. Any names, places, events, etc. discussed in the following biography are not real and are purely coincidental to and have no connection whatsoever to any names, places, events, etc. that may exist in the real world.***

Defining moments come along every so often in a man's life: birth, first day of school, first BJ, college graduation, marriage, the 1000th visitor to GMYH. At least three of these things have happened to Marc Wiescinski.

Born in Oak Hill, West Virginia, in the heart of coal-mining country, in May 1977 at the hospital that was mere blocks from the all-night service station where Hank Williams was discovered dead in the back of a Cadillac only 24 years earlier, Marc was destined for greatness. His father, Cletus Jefferson Wiescinski ("CJ"), ran the local mine's general store, while his mother, Sally Mae Wiescinski was a teacher at the local K-12 school, where she taught all grades at one time. Marc's birth, Sally Mae's first, left her completely barren.

At an early age, Marc displayed an affinity for music, and was strongly encouraged by his parents to pursue his talent. CJ always used to say, "Boy, if you ain't got Hank Williams's soul in ya, I don't know who does." These types of references to reincarnation were not greeted well in Oak Hill, a town comprised of over 100% fundamentalist Christians. Nonetheless, the town folk let it slide if it meant hearing Marc play the jug and sing. Soon enough, it wasn't only the townspeople who noticed Marc's talents. Word started to spread, and before too long, legendary Steel Polecat Records A&R man Slim Lehart, known around West Virginia as "The Wheeling Cat," made an unannounced stop in Oak Hill for the annual Coal Carnival, at which Marc was the featured act.

Lehart recalled: "I had heard that Oak Hill had a kid that played the jug like Curly Owens, stomped his feet like Clarence "Brickhouse" Hatfield, and sang like Cooter Lee. Now the good Lord knows I don't believe in all that voodoo reincarnation hooey phooey, but I tell you what--I'll be damned if I wasn't lookin' at a six-year-old Hank Williams up on that stage."

With his parents' blessing, Marc signed with Lehart to be a part of the country and skiffle band, The Blazin' Bituminous Brothers. Comprised of the region's biggest up-and-coming young stars, The Blazin' Bituminous Brothers were Southwestern West Virginia's answer to Menudo. The year was 1983. It would be his first foray into music, but certainly not his last.

The Brothers were a smash, thanks heavily in part to the subject matter of their music. Songs like "Mine is Yours," "Wildcat Strike Shuffle," "A Scab is a Scab, But That Scab is My Dad," "Coal Miner's Daughter's Daughter," "My Canary Up and Died," and "Black Lung Boogie" spoke to the hearts and souls of Southwestern West Virginians like no one had ever done before. Their tours were legendary. If you can name a city, they probably played there. Ansted, Fayettsville, Iaeger, Pinesville, Welch, Williamson, and yes, even Beckley, to name a few. A particularly wild evening, though, would lead to changes that Marc never could have envisioned.

Marc's excesses eventually caught up with him on March 17, 1984. After a St. Patrick's Day show in Delbarton, Marc drank 15 cans of Tab and was found backstage licking Lik-M-Aid Cherry Fun Dip powder off of the exposed knee of a 9-year-old Delbartonian girl. Unfortunately for Marc, the girl's father had media connections, and the next day's headline in the Mingo County Times-Review read, "Delbarton Girl Nearly Raped and Murdered by Rock Star."

Marc was mortified, even though he had no idea what "raped" meant. CJ and Sally Mae took the news even harder. Sally Mae recalls, "We just had to get Marc away from that party lifestyle. We had looked the other way when it came to a lot of stuff: ice cream, Coke, Sprite, Root Beer, Mountain Dew, cookies, brownies, candy bars, and hookers--dozens of 'em. Enough was enough. We needed to make a fresh start somewhere else. And that's when CJ found out about a general store in Bay City that didn't have a manager."

CJ, Sally Mae, and Marc packed up their 1973 Chevy pick-up and left Oak Hill for Bay City, Michigan in the middle of the night on March 20, 1984, and they have not set foot in West Virginia since. CJ found a job managing the local 7-11, while Sally Mae, suprised to learn that a college degree was a requirement for teaching in the state of Michigan, enrolled in the local community college so that she could one day teach again.

It was in Bay City where Marc would discover a musical world outside skiffle and country. The transition, though, was not seemless. Marc was ridiculed on nearly a half-hourly basis for his rat tail and heavy drawl. It would be years before he would pronounce "wash" without an "r" in the middle. Those of his classmates that were not giving him wet willies, grundies, and Indian burns, though, turned Marc on to hard rock, death metal, punk, and hardcore rap.

In addition, Marc discovered the joys of television, something only seven families in West Virginia had, and motion pictures, somthing he had only dreamed of seeing before. He fell in love with the cyber-techno-drama, "Tron." Soon his life was consumed with Tron: Tron sheets, Tron blankets, Tron shoes, Tron shirts, Tron action figures. If it had to do with Tron, Marc had to have it.

It was this obession that would lead to tragedy. On the night of December 18, 1985, Sally Mae was at a local Meijer, searching for any sort of Tron-related gift to get for Marc for Christmas. She spotted a limited-edition Tron nightlight. It was the only one left, so she made a move to get it. She, however, was not the only one with her eye on that nightlight. Carol Childress, an out-of-work seamstress from nearby Saginaw, needed that nightlight for her son Ricky, and she would stop at nothing to get it. Sally Mae's drawn and quartered body was found in a dumpster outside a Farmer Jack grocery store in Flint. To this day, Marc refuses to use a nightlight, out of respect for Sally Mae.

At Bay City High School, he excelled both in and out of the classroom. His 3.5 GPA earned him a place in the National Honor Society, and his 14-2 record as a starting pitcher for the Rollers' baseball team earned him a scholarship to Michigan State University. Marc, however, turned down the scholarship to MSU after he was drafted in the 38th round of the Major League Baseball draft by the Cleveland Indians.

After several unsuccessful seasons in the minor leagues, Marc had slipped back into his old habits he learned on the road over a decade earlier in West Virginia. He was destitute, having spent nearly all of his money on booze, heroin, and high-priced call girls. Desperate to make ends meet, Marc was forced to turn to a dark, odorous place: gay porn. Using the pseudonym Slider Stevenson, Marc starred in several baseball-themed gay films, "Rounding Third and Heading for Hole," "Bat Boys," "Gayngels in the Outfield," the "Foul Balls" series, and of course, "Backdoor Slider," which earned him an AVN Award for Best Male Performance.

Broken, ashamed, and sore, Marc had made enough money that he decided to end his baseball and gay porn careers, and head to MSU to get his degree. It was in East Lansing where Marc would find the next of his life's passions: packaging engineering. Coasting through school in a record 5 semesters with a 4.0 GPA, Marc had no problem finding a job with the world's number one consumer goods company, Procter & Gamble. In yet another cruel twist of fate, though, Marc was not placed in Cincinnati, where the company's headquaters were located. Instead, he was placed at the Iams Company, which P&G had purchased a few years prior, in Dayton, Ohio, the birthplace of aviation.

After living in Dayton for a couple years and earning a living designing some of the most sought-after dog- and catfood packages in the world, Marc learned that the music bug is a tough one to swat. Taking the stage name Tron 3000, he teamed with John "$2 Dolla" Ashcraft (formerly of San Diego-based Sun Drubbas) and Andrew "Lysol" LeMar (formerly of the curling-themed Stone Throwaz) to form the Blue Gate Killas, Dayton's first successful hardcore rap group. After locking themselves in a Scottish castle for 3 months with nothing but recording equipment, 32 cases of Courvosier, and 45 pounds of Bahama Mama, the Killas enjoyed a period of extremely prolific song-writing and recording, the result of which was their debut double-album, "Five Inches of Limp Dick." Behind the Top-40 hits, "Zamoralized" (a staunch pro-condom song), the catchy "Ding Dong Bitch," and the fun-loving "FUPA Bitch" and "Angry Pirate," the album went quadruple platinum in the first six months. No song, however, was as popular as "Daugther Got Abducted," which spent an amazing 15 weeks at No. 1. The lyrics show exactly why is was so popular:

Verse 1 (Tron):
"Check it out, it's the Killas back up from the Gate
All the playas know Tron is the one dad's hate
I steal bitches like my last name was Rider
If you have a daughter, you better go and hide her
'Cause I'll take her out to dinner
And treat her real nice
You think that I'm a winner
Until I roll the dice

Chorus:
Uh oh! Your daughter got abducted
Uh oh! You never should have trusted
A man with no tan and a white Cadillac
Who told you by 12 he'd have your daughter back

(Tron, yelling in the background): $2 Dolla, tell that fool what he don't already know

Verse 2 ($2 Dolla):
The name's $2 Dolla and I play a lotta craps
Bitches think I'm crazy 'cause I don't take naps
But your punk ass is the one who should sleep with one eye open
'Cause I'll flash my guns and snatch your daughter like I was hopin'
We'll fly out to Vegas on the $2 Dolla Express
And I'll bet your daughter when my cash gets pressed
Now she's makin' purses out in Singapore
Makin' 12 cents a day, all because she's a whore

Chorus:
Uh oh! Your daughter got abducted
Uh oh! You never should have trusted
A man from Cali who rides like Sally
Who lost your daughter to an Asian man at Bally's

($2 Dolla, yelling in the background): Lysol, clean this man's motherfuckin' clock

Verse 3 (Lysol):
I came into this world with a chip on my shoulder
I'll take all of your daughters, even if their older
I'll make you think I'm the one she's gonna marry
When actually I'm gonna sell her to this guy I know named Gary
I can't help it if I didn't roll a seven
Next time you'll see your daughter will be in heaven
Until then, she'll have a pill stuck in her throat
Oh wait, that's my dick, I don't mean to gloat

Chorus:
Uh oh! Your daughter got abducted
Uh oh! You never should have trusted
A man with a tat of a lizard on his back
Who let some dude put your daughter in a sack

(Lysol, yelling in the background): Break 'em off some up in h'ya

(lengthy guitar solo)

Chorus (x2):
Uh oh! Your daughter got abducted
Uh oh! You never should have trusted
3 men from the 'ring who don't know how to sing
Who took your daughter from you, but you can't do a thing."

The Killas went on to sweep all major music awards in the rap categories in 2004 (shown here after taking home 5 Grammys). They are now working on their second album, due out in Spring 2006, tentatively titled, "As Deep As It Goes." The first single, "Pocket Fulla Pussy" is set for a December 2005 release.

Things have come full circle for Marc, who now resides in a 40-bedroom mansion in the Mt. Lookout neighborhood of Cincinnati. On October 12, 2005, while visiting the wildly popular weblog "Give Me Your Handrew," Marc realized that he was the 1000th visitor to the blog, thus earning him the opportunity to have his story told for all to see.

3 comments:

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Anonymous said...

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