Friday, September 23, 2005

Happy Birthday to a Legend

Today, we here at Give Me Your Handrew are wishing a happy 26th birthday to Jessie. Rather than a simple "happy birthday," GMYH will pay tribute by chronicling the events in her life that have come to define her as a human being:

September 23, 1979: While attending a Wisconsin Badger football game, a woman goes into labor and is rushed to nearby Janesville to give birth to what she thought was a healthy 7-pound girl. Shortly after the birth of the woman's first daughter, the doctor exclaims, "Holy shit, there's another one in there!" Jessie was born at 3 pounds -- petite, yet feisty.
Sometime between 1979 and 1998: Jessie moves from Wisconsin to Ft. Wayne, Indiana, and then to Roanoke, Indiana.
January 18, 1988: While playing in the snow, Jessie finds two frozen, dead birds. Rather than not touch them, she picks them up and plays with them. When they become "mushy," she places them in a bag and puts them into her family's freezer so that she can play with them whenever she wants.
June 12, 1991: At age 11, Jessie officiates her first cockfight, wearing a pilgrim outfit for some reason.
October 15, 1996: At age 17, Jessie becomes the youngest elected President of NEIACO (the Northeast Indiana Association of Cockfighting Officials).
May 1998: Jessie graduates from Huntington North High School. Unbeknownst to her, she left an indelible mark on the school, its students, and the greater Huntington area.
August 1998: Jessie enrolls at Indiana University. While there, she will switch her majors approximately twelve times.
August 25, 1999: While attending a party at Pi Kappa Phi fraternity at IU, Jessie comes across a debonair treasure hunter named Andrew. A series of lies and misrepresentations results in Jessie making the mistake of giving her number to Andrew, as the all-too-apt "My Own Worst Enemy" by Lit played in the background.
November 13, 2001: Jessie garners the nickname "Pea Head" after Andrew realizes he can palm her head.
May 2002: Jessie graduates from Indiana University with a B.A. in Art History.
August 2002: Jessie enters graduate school at Indiana University, pursuing a Masters of Library Science, and an M.A. in Art History.
September 14, 2002: Trying to make ends meet in graduate school, Jessie debuts as "Cassandra the Librarian" at Night Moves. Her patented "Shhhhh" move would not only earn her hundreds of dollars, but would also earn her a Poley (the Exotic Dancers Guild's equivalent to the Oscar) for Best Original Table Dance.
August 4, 2003: Along with Vern, Jessie co-authors her first book, "Ernest Goes to Hell: The Life, Times, and Mistakes of Jim Varney."
January 16, 2004: After a series of negotiations riddled by massive consumption of opiates, Jessie agrees to take Andrew's hand in marriage, but only on the condition that Andrew cuts all ties with NAMBLA.
August 2004: Jessie graduates from IU with her MLS.
November 2, 2004: Jessie votes in the U.S. presidential election, her first free election since emigrating from her native Rwanda.
June 11, 2005: Despite the best efforts of friends, family, and various foreign dignitaries, Jessie weds Andrew.
June 20, 2005: After falling asleep in Chicago as a result various downers administered by Andrew, Jessie wakes up 6 hours later in Dayton, Ohio. Andrew says, "Surprise!"
August 9, 2005: Jessie attends her first Def Leppard concert, but certainly not her last.
September 10, 2005: At a tailgate before the Indiana/Nicholls State football game, Jessie is given Huntington North High School "Legend" status by a 2002 HNHS graduate who Jessie had never seen, met, or heard of before (and who had consumed double digit beers and was walking a dog he proclaimed multiple times didn't belong to him).
September 15, 2005: Jessie publishes her second book, "Do Houses in Arizona Have Gutters? And Other of Life's Unanswerable Questions."

After a myriad of accomplishments in her first 26 years, where does Jessie go next? Recently I caught up with Jessie at her seven-acre ranch in downtown Dayton, and she had this to say: "Andrew, quit being such an asshole." While she may be leaving her future to the speculation of tabloid writers, one thing is for sure: Jessie turns 26 today.

No comments: