Championship Week Predictions update

As I'm sure you've heard by now, my Championship Week predictions post has been critically lauded as "the most in-depth analysis of Championship Week that GMYH posted last week," "a masterpiece in classic irony," "almost as funny as Paul Blart: Mall Cop," and "fun for the whole family, assuming, of course, you mean the Manson Family." Therefore, it is my desire -- no, my duty -- to provide updates about the prescience of my predictions. Squeaky Fromme be damned! Thus far, I am 0-0. I am Nostradamus, but I am also Spartacus. Thus, I am Nostratacus.

ACC -- Atlanta -- March 12-15
Predicted winner: North Carolina
Actual winner:

America East -- Albany, N.Y. -- March 6-8, 14
Predicted winner: Vermont
Actual winner:

Atlantic Sun -- Nashville -- March 4-7
Predicted winner: Belmont
Actual winner:

Atlantic 10 -- Atlantic City, N.J. -- March 11-14
Predicted winner: Dayton
Actual winner:

Big East -- New York -- March 10-14
Predicted winner: Pittsburgh
Actual winner:

Big Sky -- Ogden, Utah -- March 7, 10-11
Predicted winner: Weber State
Actual winner:

Big South -- Campus sites (higher seeds) -- March 3, 5, 7
Predicted winner: VMI
Actual winner:

Big Ten -- Indianapolis -- March 12-15
Predicted winner: Indiana. Goin' dancin'! Deal with it.
Actual winner:

Big 12 -- Oklahoma City -- March 11-14
Predicted winner: Oklahoma
Actual winner:

Big West -- Anaheim, Calif. -- March 11-14
Predicted winner: CSU-Northridge
Actual winner:

Colonial -- Richmond, Va. -- March 6-9
Predicted winner: VCU
Actual winner:

Conference USA -- Memphis -- March 11-14
Predicted winner: Memphis
Actual winner:

Horizon -- Campus sites (higher seeds) -- March 4, 6-7, 10
Predicted winner: Butler
Actual winner:

Ivy League -- No Tournament
Geeks!

MAAC -- Albany, N.Y. -- March 6-9
Predicted winner: Siena
Actual winner:

MAC -- Cleveland -- March 10-14
Predicted winner: Akron
Actual winner:

MEAC -- Winston-Salem, N.C. -- March 9-14
Predicted winner: Morgan State
Actual winner:

Missouri Valley -- St. Louis -- March 5-8
Predicted winner: Creighton
Actual winner:

Mountain West -- Las Vegas -- March 11-14
Predicted winner: BYU
Actual winner:

Northeast -- Campus sites (higher seeds) -- March 5, 8, 11
Predicted winner: Robert Morris
Actual winner:

Ohio Valley -- Nashville -- March 3, 6-7
Predicted winner: UT-Martin
Actual winner:

Pac-10 -- Los Angeles -- March 11-14
Predicted winner: UCLA
Actual winner:

Patriot -- Campus sites (higher seeds) -- March 4, 8, 13
Predicted winner: American
Actual winner:

SEC -- Tampa, Fla. -- March 12-15
Predicted winner: LSU
Actual winner:

Southern -- Chattanooga, Tenn. -- March 6-9
Predicted winner: Davidson
Actual winner:

Southland -- Katy, Texas -- March 12-15
Predicted winner: Stephen F. Austin
Actual winner:

Summit -- Sioux Falls, S.D. -- March 7-10
Predicted winner: North Dakota State
Actual winner:

Sun Belt -- Hot Springs, Ark. -- March 4, 7-10
Predicted winner: Western Kentucky
Actual winner:

SWAC -- Birmingham, Ala. -- March 11-14
Predicted winner: Alabama State
Actual winner:

WAC -- Reno -- March 10-14
Predicted winner: Utah State
Actual winner:

West Coast -- Las Vegas -- March 6-9
Predicted winner: Gonzaga
Actual winner:

Updated Big Ten Tournament projections

Here are some updated projected Big Ten Tournament seeds, along with the Big Ten standings, each team's remaining games, who I think will win, and each team's projected final record, followed by a projected Big Ten Tournament bracket. I changed some predictions, so watch out!

Michigan St. (14-3): Purdue (W). Projected record: 15-3
Purdue (11-6): at Michigan State (L). Projected record: 11-7
Illinois (11-7): Regular season over.
Penn St. (10-7): at Iowa (W). Projected record: 11-7
Wisconsin (9-8): Indiana (W). Projected record: 10-8
Ohio St. (9-8): Northwestern (W). Projected record: 10-8
Minnesota (9-8): Michigan (W). Projected record: 10-8
Michigan (8-9): at Minnesota (L). Projected record: 8-10
Northwestern (8-9): at Ohio State (L). Projected record: 8-10
Iowa (4-13): Penn State (L). Projected record: 4-14
Indiana (1-16): at Wisconsin (L). Projected record: 1-17.

Projected final regular season standings:
1. Michigan St.: 15-3 (has clinched #1 seed)
2. Penn St.: 11-7 (3-1 vs. Ill. and Pur.)
3. Illinois: 11-7 (2-2 vs. Pur. and PSU)
4. Purdue: 11-7 (1-3 vs. Ill. and PSU)
5. Minnesota: 10-8 (3-1 vs. OSU and Wisconsin)
6. Wisconsin: 10-8 (1-2 vs. OSU and Minnesota, but 1-0 vs. OSU)
7. Ohio St.: 10-8 (1-2 Wisconsin and Minnesota, but 0-1 vs. Wisconsin)
8. Michigan: 8-10 (holds tiebreaker because of 2-0 record vs. Northwestern)
9. Northwestern: 8-10
10. Iowa: 4-14 (has clinched #10 seed)
11. Indiana: 1-17 (has clinched #11 seed)

Projected bracket:
8. Michigan
9. Northwestern
Winner plays #1 Michigan State

4. Purdue
5. Minnesota

6. Wisconsin
11. Indiana
Winner plays #3 Illinois

7. Ohio State
10. Iowa
Winner plays #2 Penn State

Come On Jerry Angelo

So what you're telling me is that the Bears could conceivably have Jay Cutler, Marvin Harrison, and Terrell Owens this season?

Come. Uppance.

In case you haven't seen this, it is pretty solid. Thanks to Gregerson and Gsell for simultaneously sending me the link.

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

Apparently, the video is not fit for this blog, so if you want to see the whole screen, here is the link.

Championship Week Predictions

I've been so caught up in not being chosen as a finalist for the Best Job in the World that I missed the beginning of Championship Week, which kicked off last night with the first rounds of the Big South and Ohio Valley Conference tournaments. As you know, I am a spaz about college basketball, especially come March. In my mind, there is nothing better in sports than Championship Week and the NCAA Tournament.

Anyway, because you care (I assume you rely heavily on me when wagering on college basketball), and because I have proven my Nostrdamic abilities time and time again, here is a rundown of each conference tournament, along with my prediction about who will win.

ACC -- Atlanta -- March 12-15
Predicted winner: North Carolina
Actual winner:

America East -- Albany, N.Y. -- March 6-8, 14
Predicted winner: Vermont
Actual winner:

Atlantic Sun -- Nashville -- March 4-7
Predicted winner: Belmont
Actual winner:

Atlantic 10 -- Atlantic City, N.J. -- March 11-14
Predicted winner: Dayton
Actual winner:

Big East -- New York -- March 10-14
Predicted winner: Pittsburgh
Actual winner:

Big Sky -- Ogden, Utah -- March 7, 10-11
Predicted winner: Weber State
Actual winner:

Big South -- Campus sites (higher seeds) -- March 3, 5, 7
Predicted winner: VMI
Actual winner:

Big Ten -- Indianapolis -- March 12-15
Predicted winner: Indiana. Goin' dancin'!
Actual winner:

Big 12 -- Oklahoma City -- March 11-14
Predicted winner: Oklahoma
Actual winner:

Big West -- Anaheim, Calif. -- March 11-14
Predicted winner: CSU-Northridge
Actual winner:

Colonial -- Richmond, Va. -- March 6-9
Predicted winner: VCU
Actual winner:

Conference USA -- Memphis -- March 11-14
Predicted winner: Memphis
Actual winner:

Horizon -- Campus sites (higher seeds) -- March 4, 6-7, 10
Predicted winner: Butler
Actual winner:

Ivy League -- No Tournament
Geeks!

MAAC -- Albany, N.Y. -- March 6-9
Predicted winner: Siena
Actual winner:

MAC -- Cleveland -- March 10-14
Predicted winner: Akron
Actual winner:

MEAC -- Winston-Salem, N.C. -- March 9-14
Predicted winner: Morgan State
Actual winner:

Missouri Valley -- St. Louis -- March 5-8
Predicted winner: Creighton
Actual winner:

Mountain West -- Las Vegas -- March 11-14
Predicted winner: BYU
Actual winner:

Northeast -- Campus sites (higher seeds) -- March 5, 8, 11
Predicted winner: Robert Morris
Actual winner:

Ohio Valley -- Nashville -- March 3, 6-7
Predicted winner: UT-Martin
Actual winner:

Pac-10 -- Los Angeles -- March 11-14
Predicted winner: UCLA
Actual winner:

Patriot -- Campus sites (higher seeds) -- March 4, 8, 13
Predicted winner: American
Actual winner:

SEC -- Tampa, Fla. -- March 12-15
Predicted winner: LSU
Actual winner:

Southern -- Chattanooga, Tenn. -- March 6-9
Predicted winner: Davidson
Actual winner:

Southland -- Katy, Texas -- March 12-15
Predicted winner: Stephen F. Austin
Actual winner:

Summit -- Sioux Falls, S.D. -- March 7-10
Predicted winner: North Dakota State
Actual winner:

Sun Belt -- Hot Springs, Ark. -- March 4, 7-10
Predicted winner: Western Kentucky
Actual winner:

SWAC -- Birmingham, Ala. -- March 11-14
Predicted winner: Alabama State
Actual winner:

WAC -- Reno -- March 10-14
Predicted winner: Utah State
Actual winner:

West Coast -- Las Vegas -- March 6-9
Predicted winner: Gonzaga
Actual winner:

Tuesday Top Ten: Best Sports Rants

There is nothing like a good sports rant, whether it's a coach, player, or broadcaster yelling at a player, co-worker, member of the media, or no one in particular.

I have compiled what I believe to be the ten best sports-related rants. Enjoy.

10. Chris Berman gets pissed. While taping a 2000 Monday Night Football halftime show, anchor Chris Berman disapproves of some things.


9. Mike Gundy is a man and is forty. After Gundy (Oklahoma State's head football coach) had been getting slack from local media about switching his starting quarterbacks, he finally blew his top at a press conference, defending criticism that had been levied at the benched QB.


8. Allen Iverson talks about practice. Apparently asking an NBA player (who missed two key free throws) about practice is off-limits. To be clear, practice is not like an actual game.


7. Hal McRae throws a phone. Pretty self-explanatory.


6. Kevin Borseth on offensive rebounding. After a 2008 loss to Wisconsin, Borseth, the Michigan women's basketball coach, got a little testy with the podium and the issue of offensive rebounding.


5. John Chaney threatens to kill Jim Calipari. It's pretty rare that you see one coach go after another coach in a postgame press conference.


4. Jim Mora: "Playoffs?" This is what happens when you ask the coach of a team that is having a subpar season about his team's playoff chances.


3. Dennis Green suggests crowning the Bears. This rant was after Green's Arizona Cardinals had given up a 20-0 halftime lead to the Bears and a 23-10 lead heading into the fourth quarter. So many nuggets.


2. Bob Knight locker room tirade. The best part of this is that he was yelling at a team that would go on to win the Big Ten title. I guess they took what he had to say to heart.


1. Lee Elia tells the Bleacher Bums how it is. Elia was the Cubs manager from 1982-1983. On April 29, 1983, he went apeshit on Cubs fans. As a Sox fan, this rant is particularly vindicating.


If you have any other rants you are particularly fond of, feel free to post the link in a comment.

Queensland? More Like Stupidland

So those SOBs at the Queensland Board of Tourism passed me up for their fifty-person short list for The Best Job in the World. In case you don't know what I'm talking about, the Queensland, Australia Board of Tourism is holding a contest, where the winner gets to spend 6 months on an island near the Great Barrier Reef in a beautiful house with a salary of approximately $100,000 (in US dollars). All they have to do is blog about their experiences and make videos of what they're doing, with the goal being to boost tourism in Queensland. The application consisted of a 60-second video that was to explain why you were the best person for the job and show your knowledge of Queensland. I applied, foolishly thinking that they might be looking for someone without professional-grade filmmaking equipment, competitive swimming experience, or professional television experience. I was wrong. Check out the short list. All of the videos are works of art. Some are obviously (and unabashedly) professionally made.

All I had to offer was a laptop camera, a rapist's wit, Air Supply references, and hugs. For everyone. But no, they want someone who hosts her own travel TV show in India, or someone who produces films, or someone who looks good in a bathing suit. This is bullshit. I will never go to Queensland. I may, however, compile a blooper reel of my application and post it on YouTube.

Speak of the Devil

[NOTE: many of the links in this post may not be kosher with your employer's internet usage policy, but I suppose it should be, since it's all about being a good Christian.]

So remember last week when I suggested some of you might want to give up, among other things, making Bible-themed porn for Lent? I was just kidding. You know, because I didn't think that people actually made Christian porn, since Jesus and gang bangs don't seem to go hand in hand.

Apparently, I was not kidding. Tail Pipe sent me a link to a web page called "A Proposal for a Christian Pornography." This is fucking (pun intended) awesome.

According to the site, here are the rules for making Christian porn:
1. It must depict only married couples engaging in sexual acts. Of course. It wouldn't be porn if they weren't engaging in sexual acts.
2. It must portray sex within the context of a Christian marriage. So no Asians?
3. It must be instructional. All porn is instructional, as it teaches you, for instance, how to bang chicks.
4. Husband and wife must both receive their due benevolence. 69!
5. No extramarital sex, unless it is to illustrate the downfalls of adultery. So I guess when mom gets naughty with her daughter's well-hung boyfriend, dad should divorce her.
6. It must be uplifting and inspirational, focusing on strengthening Christian marriage and Christian faith. All porn is uplifting and inspirational, so that's not a problem. As for the second part, does the phrase "Oh God" mean anything to you?
7. No profanity. This would seem to be nearly impossible, based on every single porn I've ever seen. "Insert your penis into my vagina repeatedly in a manner that is decreasingly soft."

As if the rules of Christian porn weren't hilarious enough, the website also has links disucssing the following sexual concerns and, in doing so, makes the most compelling argument for Christianity that I have ever heard:

-Anal. This might be the best paragraph I've ever read in my life: "Are you saving yourself for your wedding night? The Devil wants you to fail, that’s why he puts stumbling blocks in your way. But God wants you to succeed, and that's why he has given us an alternative to intercourse before marriage: anal sex. Through anal sex, you can satisfy your body's needs, while you avoid the risk of unwanted pregnancy and still keep yourself pure for marriage." Really? Because I always thought chicks with distended anuses, while not necessarily pregnant, were certainly not "pure." The fact that there are unmarried hardcore Christians out there going two hole in the name of the Lord is absolutely hysterical -- and adorable -- on so many levels.

-Fellatio and Cunnilingus. For some reason, they call it "oral sex," and it's apparently okay with the big man. Good to know.

-Christian threesomes. What?! Interestingly, the Bible and Barney Stinson share one common value: No Devil's threeways.

-ED. "A Strong Erection is a Gift from God." Jesus Christ.

-Masturbation. Not a sin. Thank God.

-BDSM. Nothing says "I love God" like telling your spouse "I said lick my fucking boot clean."

-Shaving. Now this is something everyone can agree on. Who knew God likes nothing more than a landing strip?

And now my favorite:

-Fisting. The page is entitled "Fisting and God's Will." Holy shit. Apparently there are limits to God's will. For instance, a man may fist his wife without concern for what God may think. However, "a couple should first look deeply into their own hearts and pray for guidance as to whether it is wise for the wife to fist the husband." Truer words have never been spoken.

And just when you thought it couldn't get any better, there is a Q&A page that puts everything above to shame. I was half expecting them to say abortion's cool. It's not, by the way, except if conceived anally with a fist.

Helmets!

For those of you who missed it, the Blackhawks made the ingenius move of giving away Hawks construction helmets before the game. The risk you run in hockey, of course, is that someone gets a hat trick. And that's exactly what happened, twice (sort of). At least Bill Wirtz is still dead.

Updated Big Ten Tournament projected seeds

Here are some updated projected Big Ten Tournament seeds, along with the Big Ten standings, each team's remaining games, who I think will win, and each team's projected final record, followed by a projected Big Ten Tournament bracket. By the way, in case you forgot, I am Nostradamus.

Michigan St. (13-3): at Indiana (W), Purdue (W). Projected record: 15-3
Purdue (11-5): Northwestern (W), at Michigan State (L). Projected record: 12-6
Illinois (11-6): at Penn State (L). Projected record: 11-7
Penn St. (9-7): Illinois (W), at Iowa (L). Projected record: 10-8
Wisconsin (9-7): at Minnesota (L), Indiana (W). Projected record: 10-8
Ohio St. (8-8): at Iowa (W), at Northwestern (L). Projected record: 9-9
Minnesota (8-8): Wisconsin (W), Michigan (W). Projected record: 10-8
Michigan (8-9): at Minnesota (L). Projected record: 8-10
Northwestern (7-9): at Purdue (L), Ohio State (W). Projected record: 8-10
Iowa (4-12): Ohio State (L), Penn State (W). Projected record: 5-13
Indiana (1-15): Michigan State (L), at Wisconsin (L). Projected record: 1-17.

Projected final regular season standings:
1. Michigan St.: 15-3
2. Purdue: 12-6
3. Illinois: 11-7
4. Minnesota: 10-8 (3-1 vs. PSU and Wisconsin)
5. Wisconsin: 10-8 (2-2 vs. PSU and Minnesota)
6. Penn St.: 10-8 (1-3 vs. Minnesota and Wisconsin)
7. Ohio St.: 9-9
8. Michigan: 8-10 (holds tiebreaker because of 2-0 record vs. Northwestern)
9. Northwestern: 8-10
10. Iowa: 5-13 (has clinched #10 seed)
11. Indiana: 1-17 (has clinched #11 seed)

Projected bracket:
8. Michigan
9. Northwestern
Winner plays #1 Michigan State

4. Minnesota
5. Wisconsin

6. Penn State
11. Indiana
Winner plays #3 Illinois

7. Ohio State
10. Iowa
Winner plays #2 Purdue