Tuesday Top Ten: Most Annoying Holiday Commercials

Every year, Corporate America seems to push the beginning of the holiday season back further and further.  It seemed like this year the jewelry commercials started around Halloween.  It devolved from there.  Apparently most advertising executives want you to hate the products their clients are selling.  The Victoria's Secret commercial is phenomenal.  Pretty much every other holiday commercial is terrible.  The main culprit are the jewelry stores, hawking their blood diamonds without any concern for human decency or watchability.  If there is a God, Satan is producing jewelry commercials.


I hate many holiday commercials, but these are the ten worst I could think of off the top of my head.  I'm sure there are others I'm forgetting or trying to block from my memory.


10.  The Best Buy commercials where the moms buy so many good presents at Best Buy that they outdo Santa.  Just like a woman to ruin the one goddamn thing this guy likes to do.


9.  The Madden '12 commercial where the kid is leaving hints in everything that he wants Madden '12 for Christmas.  I respect his dedication, but where does a kid that much block ice and a chainsaw?  For what he spent on that, he could have bought several copies of Madden '12.


8.  The Jared commercial at the football game where the players are watching a proposal on the big screen.  "The ideal ideal cut diamond."  Shut your fat fucking mouth.


7.  The Kay commercial with Dr. Quinn's "Open Heart" collection.  "Open your heart and love will always find a way in."  Isn't that what Ted Bundy used to say to pick up women?


6.  The Jared commercial where one woman sitting in the airport is telling the woman sitting next to her about her charm bracelet.  I don't buy it.  No one would ever compliment a stranger's charm bracelet.  Ever.  Unless it's part of a ruse to gain the person's confidence with the end goal of murdering him or her.  And no one would ever call a charm "the red hot love bead."  Ever.  Unless it's an anal bead.


5.  The Zales commercial touting the Leo Schacter diamond.  I hate commercials that drop names that no one knows, as if everyone should know them.  Does anyone besides Leo Schacter know who Leo Schacter is or care that he has in any way been involved with your jewelry?  Whenever I go to a jewelry store (which is never, by the way), I will ask which jewels (and I will use that term) were designed by Leo Schacter.


4.  The Tommy Hilfiger commercial where all the beautiful people are having a holiday party.  At the holiday parties I've attended, everyone wears shirts.


3.  The Kay Jewelers commercial where Santa tells the husband his wife will like his jewelry choice.  Then on Christmas morning, the wife totally likes the necklace.  Then the husband said, "Santa said you would."  And the wife gives him a look like "say what?"  And then the husband's all, "No really."  Every kiss begins with a commercial that is embarrassing to watch.


2.  The Jared commercial touting the LeVian Chocolate Diamond.  Just what every woman wants:  a brown gem.


1.  Every Lexus commercial.  Jesus, when is this going to run its course?  No one has ever put a giant red bow on a car.  No one has ever bought a small music box to play that damn classical song that Lexus has ruined.  My favorite one is the one with the hipster couple because, you know, you can afford a Lexus on Potbelly bike delivery salary.  They go downstairs from their trendy loft to see the live-in boyfriend's present parked on the street.  He acts excited, when he is actually thinking "Thanks for buying me the ugliest Lexus ever made."

I Can Get You a Toe

Saturday afternoon, I got Daughter up from her nap.  I was carrying her to the couch to plop her down next to her grandpa, when I ran my right pinky toe into the solid base of a glider chair we have.  As soon as I tried to walk on it, I knew it was broken.  Little did I know what it would come to mean.

The last time I broke a toe was March 21, 2002.  I was sprinting out of my house on Grant Street in Bloomington after IU beat Duke in the Sweet 16.  I was wearing shower sandals, which, in hind sight, are not made for sprinting, and I slipped out of one and rolled over my big toe, breaking it and busting it open in the process.  That was the last time IU beat a #1 ranked team.  Until Saturday.

Saturday was a big day in sports.  Between the Heisman Trophy presentation, the Xavier/Cincinnati brawl, and Ryan Braun's steroid allegations coming to light, the IU/Kentucky game may have gotten lost in the shuffle.  The unranked 8-0 Hoosiers welcomed to Assembly Hall the #1 ranked 8-0 Kentucky Wildcats – IU's dirty rival to the south – with a roster full of five-star recruits and a coach who has had to vacate two of his three Final Four appearances due to NCAA violations.

It was a hard-fought game.  IU was up ten at points in the second half, but Kentucky came back to take a two-point lead on a free throw with 5.6 seconds left.  IU had no timeouts.  Christian Watford inbounded the ball to Verdell Jones III, who dribbled up to about the free throw line extended, when he turned around to see a wide-open Watford trailing him behind the three-point line.  He passed to Watford who released the ball with about 1 second on the clock.  Swish.  Pandemonium.  This is why college basketball is awesome.

Here's how it looked on TV:


At this point – which was during Daughter's second birthday party, mind you – I went nuts and started screaming hysterically and running around feeling no pain, making several toddlers cry in the process.  At Assembly Hall, Tom Crean had a look of disbelief, as fans rushed the court (which, while technically not allowed under my rules of court rushing, I allowed it in this situation).  At a jam-packed Nick's English Hut (probably the greatest college bar in the world), this was the scene:

IU Upsets KY - Celebration at Nick's English Hut from Tarun Gangwani on Vimeo.

Forgive us if we seem a little giddy.  If this were any year prior to 2009, beating Kentucky when they were ranked #1 would have been a big win, but it wouldn't have meant nearly as much as it meant Saturday. 

As you may or may not recall, IU's basketball program was decimated in 2008.  Before then, IU had a squeaky clean reputation, playing by the rules without any major NCAA violations since before Bob Knight arrived.  After Kelvin Sampson got busted for sending too many text messages for the second time (by the way, there are now no limits on the number of text messages coaches can send to recruits – thanks NCAA) and then lied about it, and then got fired, and then IU limped to an 8-seed in the NCAA tournament and a first-round loss, and then several players got kicked off the team, and then several players transferred, IU was left with two returning players, both walk-ons, who had played a combined total of 11 minutes.  To top it off, several top recruits decommitted and went to other schools.  When Tom Crean was hired, he wasn't rebuilding a program; he was building a program from scratch.

When you're a proud and storied program like IU, and you've suffered through a 28-66 record over the last three years, you're eagerly waiting to get over that hump and get back to national prominence.  The win over Kentucky put IU back on the basketball map.  The Hoosiers are back in the Top 25 for the first time since March 2008 and are 9-0 for the first time since the 1989-1990 season.  As an IU student or fan, there is nothing better than when IU basketball is winning (especially when you're at Assembly Hall or a bar with IU fans for a game), and it means even that much more given what the program has been through over the past few years.  I will gladly sacrifice a toe here and there if this is the result.

For some other YouTube clips (all sent to me by Holt), click on these:

-IU radio play-by-play man Don Fischer's call of the game winner

-View from Assembly Hall #1

-View from Assembly Hall #2

-View from Assembly Hall #3

-View from Assembly Hall #4 (from the balcony)

-Another video from inside Nick's

-Outside on Kirkwood (Bloomington's main drag of college bars)

Listen to Hair Band Friday - 12/9/11

The Ultimate Holiday Party Playlist

A couple years ago, I posted my Top Ten Holiday Songs.  While it has since been labeled "a brilliant piece of social commentary by a horribly disturbed and presumably disfigured man" and "prose not even Hemingway could vomit out of his pen, no matter how drunk he was," it doesn't help you if you are throwing a holiday party (or, as we used to call it, a "Christmas party") unless your party is only like 37 minutes long.  Lately I've been racked with guilt over this, so I decided to make amends by providing you with the ultimate holiday party playlist.  This list includes 34 holiday songs that will keep your party going longer than your yule log will stay lit.

Now, before you go ape shit on me for not including certain classic holiday songs, bear in mind that this list is geared towards parties, not sitting on your bearskin rug in front of a fire with a snifter of brandy and a high-priced call girl.  Thus, for the sake of keeping the party goers from falling asleep, I tried to keep some slower classic songs off the list (i.e., "The Christmas Song" by Nat King Cole, Bing Crosby's version of "White Christmas," "Baby, It's Cold Outside," "Christmas Time" by Ray Charles).  I also assume your party goers aren't eight-year-olds, dude, so I didn't include "Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer" or "Nuttin' For Christmas."  That said, I included the most awkward Christmas song ever –- the collaboration of Bing Crosby and David Bowie on "Peace On Earth/Little Drummer Boy."  Your guests will laugh when they hear it.  Or leave.

I did not include multiple versions of the same song, even if other versions would be worthy.  The songs are in alphabetical order by title.  For your listening pleasure, I also made a playlist with whatever songs Playlist.com has.  Hit "shuffle," grab some nog, and go nuts.

"All I Want for Christmas is You" by Mariah Carey

"Back Door Santa" by Clarence Carter

"Blue Christmas" by Elvis Presley

"The Chanukah Song" by Adam Sandler

"The Chipmunk Song (Please Christmas Don't Be Late)" by The Chipmunks

"Christmas All Over Again" by Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers

"Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)" by Darlene Love

"Do They Know It's Christmas?" by Band Aid

"(Everybody's Waiting For) The Man With the Bag" by Kay Starr

"Everyday Will Be Like a Holiday" by William Bell

"Frosty the Snowman" by The Ronettes

"Here Comes Santa Claus" by Bob B. Soxx & The Blue Jeans

"I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus" by The Jackson 5

"Jingle Bell Rock" by Bobby Helms

"Jingle Bells" by Wayne Newton

"Last Christmas" by Wham!

"Little Saint Nick" by The Beach Boys

"Mele Kalikimaka" by Bing Crosby

"Merry Christmas Baby" by Lou Rawls

"Merry Christmas, Baby" by The Beach Boys

"A Party for Santa Claus" by Lord Nelson

"Peace on Earth/Little Drummer Boy" by Bing Crosby and David Bowie

"Please Come Home For Christmas" by Charles Brown

"Rock and Roll Christmas" by George Thorogood & The Destroyers

"Rock-a-Billy Christmas" by Big Bad Voodoo Daddy

"Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree" by Brenda Lee

"Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" by The Temptations

"Run Rudolph Run" by Chuck Berry

"Santa Claus is Comin' to Town" by Bruce Springsteen

"Santa's Beard" by The Beach Boys

"Sleigh Ride" by The Ronettes

"What Christmas Means to Me" by Stevie Wonder

"White Christmas" by Otis Redding

"Winter Wonderland" by Darlene Love

Any songs I'm missing?

Retro Video of the Week: "Take On Me" by a-ha

This still has my vote for the greatest music video of all-time, if I were to have such a vote and there were to be such a poll.

American Horror Story: The Last Three Episodes

Due to Ace Frehley concerts, trips to Cali, Blackout Wednesday, and laziness, I have been unable to watch the last three episodes of American Horror Story on their air dates.  To top it off, I won't be able to watch tomorrow night's episode because I will be getting bombed.  Too soon?

Anywho, I got caught up tonight on the last three episodes – "Open House," "Rubber Man," and "Spooky Little Girl."  Here's what we learned:

-Larry and Constance apparently had some sort of relationship before Larry burned his family to death.  In 1994, Larry murdered Constance's other son at her behest.  This other son was chained to the flood in the attic of the Murder House and looked like something between Sloth from Goonies and Eric Stoltz in Mask.  His name is Beau, not Luke or Coy or Vance.

-Viv is carrying in her womb twins – not the devil, as had been previously surmised.

-A man of Armenian descent is interested in buying the Murder House, probably because Hot Moira give him a BJ.  Ghost Bang #1.  He wants to tear the Murder House down and build condos.  Constance tries to convince him not to buy the house.  Moira and Larry use a more effective method.  Hot Moira bites the Armenian's dick off, and then Larry puts a bag over his head and suffocates him to death.  I didn't realize Hot Moira and Larry were Turks.

-Viv can't even twirl her bean without thinking of Ricky (he may be getting a full ride to USC, after all), Ben (he is a philanderer, after all), and Latex Man (he is wearing a full black latex body suit, after all).

-Turns out Larry didn't burn his family to death.  His wife did after Larry told her that he was in love with Constance.  Larry really wants to buy the Murder House because he thinks that will get him back in Constance's pants.

-Back in the day, Dr. Charles apparently reconstructed his child, Re-Animator style, by inserting a whore's beating heart into his sewn-together infant body.  Thaddeus, which is a horrible name for a child, even in the 1920s, wasn't quite normal as a result.  It craved blood, not milk.  Dr. Charles's wife, boobs worse for the wear, killed Dr. Charles and then herself.

-Tate teaches Violet that all you have to do to get ghosts to go away is say "go away."  If only we could do the same with Tim Tebow.

-We find out that when Latex Man banged Viv back in like the first or second episode when Ben was in a trance.  It was, in fact, Tate.  So that's rape according to the classic definition of the word.  Ghost Bang #2. 

-We learn that Spock bought the Latex Man suit because he caught Trainer Banger on some S&M chat room.  Spock goes to a bondage store to buy something to spice up the relationship.  The clerk at the bondage store shows Spock "the ultimate asslock, also known as the 'apple of anguish.'"  THE APPLE OF ANGUISH.  Spock buys the Latex Man suit instead.  We get confirmation that Tate killed Spock and Trainer Banger while wearing the Latex Man suit.

-Hayden shows up again because that's what psycho dead sluts do.  She finds Dr. Charles's wife sobbing on Viv's bed.  Dr. Charles's wife, whose name is Nora, has no idea she's dead, despite the fact that she has been this way for 80 years.  Hayden explains what's going on with the Murder House, and the power that comes with being a ghost.  She also proposes that she and Nora steal Viv's twins.  The plan?  Make Viv go crazy and then they'll each get one of the babies.  It's your textbook "ghosts get the crazy's babies" grift.

-Violet has been playing hooky.  With education cutbacks, it's no wonder the truant officers weren't able to find her sooner.

-The word "hysteria" comes from the Greek word for uterus.  Make sense.

-Old Moira tells Viv the Murder House is possessed.  Apparently Viv needed a 150-year-old ginger who morphs between Hot and Old to realize that.

-Tate bangs Violet.  Ghost Bang #3. 

-Marcy, the realtor, carries a handgun in her purse.  Viv steals it for protection.  Thing is, you can't kill a ghost, even if it's wearing full-body black latex.  Proving once again that no one should carry handguns, Viv accidentally shoots Ben when he busts into the bedroom to help her because she's screaming.  Ricky shows up, as well as the real cops.  Ricky tells the cops that Viv and Ben are estranged.  Viv takes some Valium, which doesn't help when Hayden and Latex Man come to torment her.  Ben and Ricky bust in, and it's just Viv freaking out.  Thus, Viv is taken away to a hospital because of hysteria.  Pregnancy brain!  Ughhhh!

-In 1947, a dentist lived in the Murder House, where he has a home-office.  Mena Suvari, who looks very much like a fetus, shows up to get a filling, if you know what I mean.  She's a struggling actress who wants to make it big.  She then becomes the Black Dahlia murder victim.  From here on out, to the extent she is relevant, I will refer to her as Black Dahlia because calling her Mena Suvari would destroy me.  Anyway, the story goes that the dentist gassed her, then banged her, and then realized she was dead.  Ghost Bang #4?  He took her body to the basement, where Dr. Charles stepped in, cut her in half, and gave her the now-famous "Black Dahlia smile."

-Constance – who is a whore, mind you – is also a painter.  Her subject matter is a bit macabre.  She makes Travis – her boy toy – walk her dog, which is a dachshund.  Hayden sees Travis and seduces him, and bangs him.  Ghost Bang #5.

-Black Dahlia shows up to see Ben.  Turns out, she's a whore.  She wants to trade sex for psychiatrist help.

-Check this shit out:  Viv's twins are from DIFFERENT FATHERS.    It's rare, but possible.  Ben doesn't take this well.  He goes to the hospital and accuses a drugged-up Viv of philandering, of all things.

-Ben walks in on Black Dahlia and Hot Moira making out on the couch.  It's pretty awesome, but Ben declines their invitation to join in, which is odd, given that he's a philanderer.  No Double Ghost Bang.  He tells Black Dahlia he can no longer treat her, and he fires Hot Moira.  After he and Hot Moira leave the room, Hayden walks in and tells Black Dahlia that she's dead and that her murder was famous.  She did make it big!

-Constance asks Travis to marry her.  Jesus Christ, he's like 22 and she's like 60.  He says he's not so sure, and she tells him he's never going to make it in Hollywood.  She's very rude.  He leaves and goes to bang Hayden in the basement of the Murder House.  Ghost Bang #6.  She doesn't come, so she stabs him to death.  Thank God I don't have sex with ghosts.  They mutilate and dispose of him Black Dahlia style, with Larry's help. 

-Ben hits the panic button so that Ricky comes over.  He does, very quickly.  He is a star running back, after all.  Ben accuses Ricky of philandering, of all things.  Ricky reveals that he shoots blanks, so the second baby can't be his.  Damn.  I was looking forward to an "Ebony and Ivory" sonogram montage.

-Ben has some sort of paranormal breakthrough while talking to Moira.  Suddenly, he no longer sees her as Hot Moira, but rather as Old Moira.  Shit.

-Billie Dee, the lovable psychic, tells Constance that when a new Pope is chosen, he is shown a small box with the secret of the end of the world – the precise nature of the anti-Christ.  This is the reverse Immaculate Conception, a human chick impregnated by a demon.  Awwww shit.

-Southern Comfort Fiery Pepper sounds like an awful idea.

We are left with the following questions:

1.  Why do Constance and Larry want to keep the house standing so bad?

2.  Do you call them clerks if they work at bondage stores?

3.  Would the State of California give a crazy woman's twins to two ghosts?

4.  What's it like to bang a ghost?  Dry, I'm guessing.

5.  Now that Ben can no longer see Hot Moira, does that mean the rest of us are deprived?

6.  So is Viv having the devil's baby after all?  How will that little devil get along with his or her fully human twin?

7.  Hayden:  what a bitch, right?

8.  How will Viv react when she finds out one of her twins is fathered by a 17-year-old ghost who is in love with her daughter?

9.  How will Violet react when she finds out one of her twin siblings is father by a 17-year-old who is in love with her?

10.  How is Tate going to pay child support?  He's a ghost, not to mention a murderer.  Not even Carl's, Jr. wants to deal with that.

Tuesday Top Ten: Sketch Comedy Shows I Saw This Weekend

By the title of this post, you would probably assume that I saw at least ten sketch comedy shows this weekend.  I did not.  I am essentially using the Tuesday Top Ten as a vehicle to promote a hilarious sketch comedy show that I saw Saturday night.  Thus, here is my top ten list:

10.  None

9.  None

8.  None

7.  None

6.  None

5.  None

4.  None

3.  None

2.  None

1.  Urlakis and Cusick.

Urlakis and Cusick is a two-man sketch comedy show at Chicago's Stage 773 Theater (1225 W. Belmont).  I know Sean Cusick from Second City.  He directed two of the shows for which I was a writer.  He has a wonderfully dark sense of humor.  I don't know Dave Urlakis, but he also appears to have a wonderfully dark sense of humor.  The show itself is about an hour.  It's fast-paced, and there is not a bad sketch in the lot.  I was laughing throughout.

It only runs for two more weeks, Saturday nights at 10:30 (i.e., 12/10 and 12/17), so I highly recommend you go see it while you still have the chance.

Best Band of Our Generation: We Have a Winner!

After two months of blood, sweat, and voting, you have chosen the Best Band of Our Generation.  In the finals, 7-seed Guns N' Roses edges 5-seed Def Leppard by a 52% to 48% margin.  Thanks to everyone who voted.  Apparently my seeding ability is less than perfect.  Stay tuned for the next bracket, details and timing to be determined.  By vote.  By me.


(For details and background about the Best Band of Our Generation countdown, click here.)

Here are the results so far.  Winners are in green.


Finals
5.  Def Leppard (1980)
7.  Guns N' Roses (1987) (52%)

Semifinals

24.  Mötley Crüe (1981)

5.  Def Leppard (1980) (86%)

11.  Weezer (1994)

7.  Guns N' Roses (1987) (67%)

Quarterfinals

1.  U2 (1980)

24.  Mötley Crüe (1981) (56%)

5.  Def Leppard (1980) (57%)

4.  Metallica (1983)

14.  Huey Lewis and The News (1980)

11.  Weezer (1994) (72%)

7.  Guns N' Roses (1987) (57%)

2.  Pearl Jam (1991)

Round 2

1.  U2 (1980) (57%)

16.  Foo Fighters (1995)

24.  Mötley Crüe (1981) (60%)

8.  Nirvana (1989)

5.  Def Leppard (1980) (63%)

12.  Bon Jovi (1984)

20.  The White Stripes (1999)

4.  Metallica (1983) (83%)

30.  Stone Temple Pilots (1992)

14.  Huey Lewis and The News (1980) (80%)

11.  Weezer (1994) (75%)

6.  Beastie Boys (1982)

7.  Guns N' Roses (1987) (60%)

23.  Iron Maiden (1980)

15.  Green Day (1990) 

2.  Pearl Jam (1991) (100%)

Round 1

1.  U2 (1980) (60%)

32.  The Pixies (1987)

16.  Foo Fighters (1995) (75%)

17.  The Cure (1980)

9.  Red Hot Chili Peppers (1984)

24.  Mötley Crüe (1981) (80%)

8.  Nirvana (1989) (67%)

25.  The Black Crowes (1990)

5.  Def Leppard (1980) (86%)

28.  Poison (1986)

12.  Bon Jovi (1984) (100%)

21.  Depeche Mode (1981)

13.  Dave Matthews Band (1994)

20.  The White Stripes (1999) (80%)

4.  Metallica (1983) (100%)

29.  Soundgarden (1988)

3.  R.E.M. (1982)

30.  Stone Temple Pilots (1992) (60%)

14.  Huey Lewis and The News (1980) (67%)

19.  Duran Duran (1981)

11.  Weezer (1994) (80%)

22.  Rage Against the Machine (1992)

6.  Beastie Boys (1982) (80%)

27.  Nine Inch Nails (1989)

7.  Guns N' Roses (1987) (83%)

26.  Smashing Pumpkins (1991)

10.  Radiohead (1993)

23.  Iron Maiden (1980) (75%)

15.  Green Day (1990) (75%)

18.  The Pretenders (1980)

2.  Pearl Jam (1991) (80%)

31.  Oasis (1994)

Damn You Auto Correct

As a recent converter to an iPhone, I am generally pleased, especially after my Blackberry began shutting down and completely draining the battery every time I tried to use the internet or make a call.  Anyway, one of the features on the iPhone that is both great and annoying is the auto correct feature that corrects or suggests words while you type text messages or emails.  It's generally awesome because it's kind of hard to type with precision on the iPhone.  The problem is that if you type the word you want and there is an auto correct suggestion, and then you press the Space button, it automatically changes it to the auto correct word.  Also, it remembers words or names that you have previously typed, so if you use a weird long word, it will suggest that word in the future when you type something similar.


All of this is to help provide some context to a link Gregerson sent me the other day to a website called Damn You Auto Correct, which posts hilarious submissions of auto correct gone wrong.  The link he sent had the 25 Funniest DYAC's of the year.  I was laughing out loud at most of these.  Enjoy.

Listen to Hair Band Friday - 12/2/11