Listen to Hair Band Friday - 11/15/13

Awkward Pregnancy Photos

Call me old fashioned, but I don't think it's ever necessary to get professional photographs taken of a bare pregnant belly, unless you are posing for the cover of Vanity Fair.  Jester is currently carrying our third spawn, and, other than in relation to the pregnancy fetish sites that will put our kids through college, at no point during any of her three pregnancies has she said to me, "Honey, if there's one thing I think this pregnancy has been missing, it's that I just don't feel like people have been noticing my belly at all, so I'm just gonna go ahead and take my shirt off, paint my belly like a basketball, and I want you to pretend to dunk my belly, while Daugher and Lollipop pretend to play defense.  Each of you will be wearing basketball jerseys.  Yours will say "Daddy," and theirs will both say "Big Sister."  There will also be fake placenta on the ground.  And I want the woman who did the Griffins' wedding to take pictures.  Her photos had a really nice photojournalistic feel to them." 

It's not that I'm uncomfortable with pregnant bellies.  I'm quite comfortable with them, although I'm not one of those assholes who will just go up to a pregnant woman and rub her belly without asking.  I always ask.  But there are some people out there who are a little too comfortable with their or their spouse's pregnant bellies, such that they want to share their bellies with the world.  Chances are, you even have some Facebook friends who fall into this category.  I know I do.  "Hey Woody, congrats on the pregnancy.  I never would have know Kelly was pregnant if you guys hadn't posted a picture of her at eight months wearing nothing but a sports bra."  What is unfortunate for them is fortunate for the rest of us because it breeds things like this post entitled "The 50 Most Akward Pregnancy Photos Ever" (thanks to Gregerson for the link) and this other post entitled "50 More Extremely Awkward Pregnancy Photos."

On another note, here is a video of Jean-Claude Van Damme doing the best splits ever recorded.

Retro Video of the Week: "Song For The Dumped" by Ben Folds Five

Sorry for the lack of a Tuesday Top Ten this week.  I attended a live musical performance last night, so I didn't have time to write anything.

This week's Retro Video of the Week is "Song For The Dumped" by Ben Folds Five, which came across my iPod a few minutes ago, which made me remember how much I love this song.  This is probably the best angry break up song of all-time.  Of course, in the video they mute out the "fuck you too" part.  Thanks, Tipper Gore.  But the video does include a verse in Japanese, so that's an added bonus.

Undefeated After Week 11

Despite the Hoosiers' 52-35 dismantling of the hapless Illini this past Saturday and despite the fact that, technically, the Hoosiers still have a chance at going to a bowl, that bed-shitting-after-a-magnificent-comeback loss to Minnesota last week pretty much guarantees that the Hoosiers' "bowl" game will be for the Old Oaken Bucket when those mouth-breathing shit stains from West Lafayette visit Memorial Stadium on November 30.  I like to be optimistic about these kinds of things, but IU sits at 4-5 right now, and our next two games are simply unwinnable, barring some sort of historic effort.

First up, this coming Saturday, the Hoosiers travel to Wisconsin, where IU hasn't won since 2001 (a resounding 63-32 victory, thanks to 280 rushing yards and 5 TDs by Levron Williams).  Since then, IU has gone 0-4 at Camp Randall, scoring a total of 54 points, while Wisconsin has averaged 54 points.  At least Bret Bielema is no longer the head coach, so the Badgers maybe won't try to score 83 points against us.  How's the SEC working out for you, dick bag?

It goes from horrible to apocalyptic, as the Hoosiers' next game is a trip to the Horseshoe to battle tO$U.  IU hasn't beaten the Buckeyes since 1988 and hasn't won in Columbus since 1987.  The only hope is that Urban Meyer's team of paid criminals comes down with the flu the night before the game.

Anyway, as in years past, I'll be breaking down the remaining undefeated teams each week for the rest of the season.  It's both painful and pleasurable for me.  As a college football fan, I enjoy talking about the best teams and how I hope they fail.  As an IU fan, it's bittersweet, since the Hoosiers are a long way away from ever making this countdown. 

This past weekend, Oregon, who I generally love to watch, doomed their national title hopes by only playing for the last 13 minutes against Stanford, leaving us with a mere six undefeated FBS teams –- all from different conferences.  This means that we could potentially have six undefeated teams heading into bowl season.  On the bright side, this is the last year of the BCS, so undefeated teams from non-BCS conferences and one-loss teams not named Alabama will actually have a shot at winning the national title in the future.

Looking at the remaining games, Baylor looks like it has the toughest road to remain unbeaten, but I think they will have a pretty strong argument for playing in the BCS Championship game if they win out. 

Meanwhile, Florida State should cruise until the ACC Championship game, and will probably cruise in that game as well, since there is no one in the Coastal Division with a realistic shot of beating the Seminoles at a neutral site.

It looks like the two non-BCS teams –- Fresno State and Northern Illinois –- should make it through the regular season and their respective conference championship games unscathed.  If you're looking for a mid-week football fix and a chance to see the best player you've never heard of, Northern Illinois QB and Heisman dark horse Jordan Lynch play on Wednesday night this week and next week, and then Tuesday night the following week.  This Wednesday night's game against 9-1 Ball State (8 p.m. EST on ESPN2) is the Huskies' toughest remaining game.

Alabama has the toughest remaining game out of the six undefeated teams, playing at #7 Auburn in the Iron Bowl on November 30.  If Auburn wins (assuming it doesn't lose before then), Alabama would not go to the SEC Championship game and, as I understand it, would not be eligible to play in the BCS title game.  Go Tigers!

And let's not forget about Ohio State.  Fuck Ohio State!

Here is a breakdown of the undefeated teams and each team's remaining games (rankings are BCS rankings):

#1 Alabama (9-0)

11/16 – at Mississippi State (4-5)

11/23 – Chattanooga (FCS) (8-2)

11/30 – at #7 Auburn (9-1)

12/7 - SEC championship game (Atlanta) - TBD

Remaining opponents' combined record:  21-8 (.724)

#2 Florida State (9-0)

11/16 – Syracuse (5-4)

11/23 – Idaho (1-9)

11/30 – at Florida (4-5)

12/7 - ACC championship game (Charlotte) - TBD

Remaining opponents' combined record:  10-18 (.357)

#3 Ohio State (9-0)

11/16 – at Illinois (3-6)

11/23 – Indiana (4-5)

11/30 – at Michigan (6-3)

12/7 – Big Ten championship game (Indianapolis) - TBD

Remaining opponents' combined record:  13-14 (.481)

#5 Baylor (8-0)

11/16 – Texas Tech (7-3)

11/23 – at #12 Oklahoma State (8-1)

11/30 – at TCU (4-6)

12/7 – #24 Texas (7-2)

Remaining opponents' combined record:  26-12 (.684)

#14 Fresno State (9-0)

11/23 – New Mexico (3-6)

11/29 – at San Jose State (5-4)

12/7 - MWC championship game (at higher-ranked team's stadium) - TBD

Remaining opponents' combined record:  8-10 (.444)

#15 Northern Illinois (9-0)

11/13 – Ball State (9-1)

11/20 – at Toledo (6-3)

11/26 – Western Michigan (1-9)

12/6 - MAC championship game (Detroit) - TBD

Remaining opponents' combined record:  16-13 (.552)

Listen to Hair Band Friday - 11/8/13

Sharts On a Plane

There are few situations on Earth that are more terrifying than the imminent threat of diarrhea in a public setting.  Bringing together my worst fears, DBH sent me a link to an article described as "the most embarrassing plane pooping story ever."  Read it.  Empathize.  Pray to whatever deity it is that you worship that you will never come close to the agony that this guy endured.  This is why you should always carry Imodium with you when you travel.  Always.

Retro Video of the Week: "Funky Cold Medina" by Tone Lōc

Probably better than Boring Warm Riyadh.

Tuesday Top Ten: Halloween Costumes 2013 Edition

It is undisputed that Halloween is the best holiday of the year.  This year, because Halloween was on a Thursday, it seemed to stretch out for a wonderfully long period of time.  People were dressed up the weekend before, the week of Halloween, and the weekend after.

I took full advantage of the situation.  The Friday before Halloween, several of us went to Rocks for some karaoke, in costume.  I was feeling a bit randy and you know I have a grim reaper robe, so I went as death.  Ghost B.C.'s Papa Emeritus II's face paint served as the inspiration for my face paint.  

I hovered over Jester's bed silently for an uncomfortably long amount of time.

I have to say, dressing up as the grim reaper is very empowering.  People were freaked out by me.  While walking to and from the bar, when a car would approach as I crossed an intersection, I would pause briefly, look at the car, and then continue walking.  I saw a couple people mouth "oh my God."  Of course, I was also riding a white horse -- well, a white Shetland pony, anyway.

It has always been a dream of mine to dress up as the grim reaper and sing "(Don't Fear) The Reaper" at karaoke, so I did.  It was instantly referred to as "poignant" and "terrifying."  I later sang "Heaven" by Warrant.  It was instantly referred to as "out of my range."

Saturday night, we went to a party at Gregerson and Colleen's place, where Chandler, Bonham, and I went as KISS of Death.  Of course, I was Ace.  This time, however, Ace Frehley did not drink any contact lenses -- allegedly.

Chandler had the Paul lip pouting down to a T, and of course, Paul and Gene fondled Miley Cyrus while The Creature watched.

Sunday, we carved pumpkins.  I went with Homer Simpson this year.  Jester went with a standard jack-o-lantern.  Daughter went with a cat.  Lollipop went with a ghost.  To be clear, Daughter and Lollipop played no part in the actual carving of pumpkins, despite their repeated requests to play with knives.

On Halloween proper, it was rainy, but that didn't deter my kids from going trick-or-treating -– because if it had, I would have disowned them.  Daughter was Wonder Woman, despite the fact that she had no idea who Wonder Woman was when she chose the costume.  Thanks to YouTube, however, she has now perfected the Wonder Woman spin, and she even made her own makeshift Lasso of Truth out of yellow felt (not pictured).  

Lollipop was Mighty Mike –- an alligator she recently saw at the Newport Aquarium just outside of Cincy –- not to be confused with Magic Mike.  Due to Lollipop's inability to do anything without sprinting, this was the least fuzzy picture I got of her in her costume.

I gotta say, I was thoroughly impressed with the efficiency of Daughter's trick-or-treating.  A year removed from her sophomore slump, where she consistently chose non-chocolate options over chocolate options when presented with a bowl of candy, Daughter methodically made her way from house to house, indicating forcefully that the homeowner could choose between a trick or a treat.  All chose treats.  Daughter cleaned up, as a result.  Nearly her entire bag was chocolate-based candy.  Lollipop tried to keep up, but grew tired of the game, often choosing to eat a piece of candy rather than going to another house to get more candy.  Next year, I'll expect better dedication.

But anyway, as I have done in years past, I will share with you the ten best Halloween costumes I saw, other than my own, of course.  These were costumes that I either saw myself or that were posted to Facebook by friends of mine.

Honorable Mention:

Spartan Cheerleaders

Energizer Bunny

The Price is Right Wheel
We found this in an alley.  It was homemade, with metal piping.  Very impressive.  I'm not sure why anyone would throw this away.

10.  Parrot
Jester gets the nod at the 10 spot because she made her own costume.

9.  Walter White and Hank Schrader

8.  George Michael
Earlier, he had a sweet dangling cross earring on.  If there had been an accompanying Andrew Ridgeley, this might have been #1.

7.  Jack Burton
I've never seen Big Trouble in Little China, so if I had, this might be higher on the list.

6.  Kurt Cobain
Too soon?

5.  Bikers
"Oh, biker.  I'm an idiot."  I love random costumes that only a few people get, as long as I'm one of those few people.

4.  Slutty Pumpkin and Hanging Chad
As a How I Met Your Mother Fan, I enjoyed this one.  There had been a man in the Hanging Chad costume earlier in the night, by the way.

3.  Baby Elvis
My nephew will never live this down -- or have a better Halloween costume.

2.  Robin Thicke and Miley Cyrus.
I saw pictures of several people attempting to do this, but no one quite pulled it off like Daniel did.  He even got his hair cut -- and a blow-up doll -- for it.

I thought this was going to be my #1, until I saw...

1.  The Royal Tenenbaums
This was one of my former co-workers, and they nailed it, aside from the noticeable lack of Mordecai and mescaline.

Midwestern Eavesdropping

30-something mother to a group of female toddlers at a four-year-old's birthday party: "Follow me if you want a tramp stamp."

--Chicago

Eavesdropper: Sheboyganette

Listen to Hair Band Friday - 11/1/13