Tuesday Top Ten: Favorite Muhammad Ali Quotes

Unless you've been living under a rock, you know that Muhammad Ali died last Friday at the age of 74, after a 30-year battle with Parkinson's.  I don't think there is hyperbole strong enough to do justice to Ali's impact on the sports world, but I think he summed it up perfectly when he said, "I am the greatest."

Brash, confident, charismatic, and sometimes controversial, Muhammad Ali was, quite simply, the most-recognized sports figure in the world and probably the most important sports figure of the 20th Century.  Now, obviously, I'm a little too young to have remembered seeing Ali fight, and certainly too young to remember him in his prime, but I have seen plenty of clips of his fights (check out this one to see one of the most ridiculous punch dodging ever captured on video), several documentaries about him (I highly recommend When We Were Kings if you haven't seen it), and a ton of clips of him talking trash and waxing intellectual.

The man had a lot of profound and inspiring quotes about racism, the Vietnam War, socioeconomics, civil rights, and the like -- which you should definitely check out -- by for me, Muhammad Ali and Cassius Clay will always be the guy who could improvise the most eloquent and poetic smack talk known to man.  It's especially great when you think about it on a macro level -- he was purposely trying to agitate guys who were, in fact, getting into a ring with him and trying to beat him up.  Even then, he knew there was a pretty damn good chance he wasn't going to get beat.  With that, here are my eleven favorite Muhammad Ali/Cassius Clay quotes, in no particular order:

1.  "It's hard to be humble when you're as great as I am."

2.  Before his first fight with Sonny Liston:  "After the fight, I'm gonna build myself a pretty home and use him as a bearskin rug. Liston even smells like a bear. I'm gonna give him to the local zoo after I whup him."

3.  In the ring, right after beating Sonny Liston in 1964 to win the heavyweight title for the first time:  "I am the king of the world.  I'm pretty.  I'm a bad man."


4.  "If you even dream of beating me, you'd better wake up and apologize."

5.  To Joe Frazier before the Thrilla in Manila:  "I saw your wife.  You're not as dumb as you look."

6.  "I'm so fast that last night I turned off the light switch in my hotel room and got into bed before the room was dark."

7.  "If they can make penicillin out of moldy bread, they can sure make something out of you."

8.  Before the Rumble in the Jungle:  "Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee. His hands can't hit what his eyes can't see. Now you see me, now you don't. George thinks he will, but I know he won't."

9.  Boxing commentator to Clay, before the first Liston fight:  "I saw Sonny Liston the other day, Cassius."
Clay:  "Ain't he ugly?"
Boxing commentator, laughing:  "He--"
Clay:  "He's too ugly to be the world champ.  The world champ should be pretty like me."

10.  "It's just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I beat people up."

11.  This one is probably my favorite, particularly the last sentence.  "I have wrestled with an alligator.  I done tussled with a whale.  I done handcuffed lightning, thrown thunder in jail.  That's bad.  Only last week, I murdered a rock, injured a stone, hospitalized a brick.  I'm so mean I make medicine sick."

And, if you want to see 9+ minutes of the man himself talking smack, here you go:

Hair Band Friday - 6/3/16

1.  "Beating Around The Bush" by AC/DC


2.  "If My Mind Is Evil" by White Lion


3.  "Cabo Wabo" by Van Halen


4.  "Naughty Naughty" by Vinnie Vincent Invasion


5.  "Paradise" by Tesla


6.  "One Up The 'B' Side" by Ozzy Osbourne


7.  "Take Me To The Top" by Mötley Crüe


8.  "Standing In The Shadow" by Whitesnake


9.  "Take A Walk" by Mr. Big


10.  "Somebody Save Me" by Cinderella

Midwestern Eavesdropping

Fortysomething male: "So I'm upstairs in my room doing whippits, right? And the phone rings, but it's two phones and then I got it -- I was really high."

--Los Angeles

Eavesdropper:  Tail Pipe

Fun Facts About the NBA Finals and Cleveland Sports Futility

The NBA Finals tip off tonight, pitting the top seed in the West, the defending champion Golden State Warriors, against the top seed in the East, the defending runner up Cleveland Cavaliers.  With the way that the Warriors just came back from a 3-1 deficit (and with how well they have played all year) and the way that the Cavs have been playing in the playoffs, this has the chance to be a really good NBA Finals.

So, as you may know from my posts about March Madness every year, I find sports statistics very interesting.  Here are some fun (for me, anyway) stats about this year's NBA Finals, as well as sports futility across cities.

LeBron plays in his 6th Finals in a row

This is the sixth year in a row that LeBron James has played in the NBA Finals, which is pretty remarkable (and only bettered by several players on the Celtics' dynasty of the late '50s and entire '60s).  Of course, as a Bulls fan who grew up in the heyday of the Bulls dynasty, I will note that, had Jordan not retired to play baseball for two years, the Bulls would have made the Super Fans' prediction of a "minimal eight-peat" come true.  James, on the other hand, still has to win two more rings to match how many Will Perdue has.

The Best in the West Against The Best in the East

This is the 28th time in NBA history where the finals will feature two 1-seeds, although only the second time it has happened this millennium.  The Eastern Conference holds a 18-9 advantage, although the Celtics in the '60s and Bulls in the '90s accounted for a combined 10 of the East's wins.  Here are the previous 27 times the NBA had a 1-seed vs. 1-seed finals:

1953:  Minneapolis Lakers (W1) over New York Knicks (E1)

1954:  Minneapolis Lakers (W1) over Syracuse Nationals (E1)

1955:  Syracuse Nationals (W1) over Fort Wayne Pistons (E1)

1956:  Philadelphia Warriors (E1) over Fort Wayne Pistons (W1)

1957:  Boston Celtics (E1) over St. Louis Hawks (W1)

1958:  St. Louis Hawks (W1) over Boston Celtics (E1)

1960:  Boston Celtics (E1) over St. Louis Hawks (W1)

1961:  Boston Celtics (E1) over St. Louis Hawks (W1)

1962:  Boston Celtics (E1) over Los Angeles Lakers (W1)

1963:  Boston Celtics (E1) over Los Angeles Lakers (W1)

1964:  Boston Celtics (E1) over San Francisco Warriors (W1)

1965:  Boston Celtics (E1) over Los Angeles Lakers (W1)

1967:  Philadelphia 76ers (E1) over San Francisco Warriors (W1)

1971:  Milwaukee Bucks (W1) over Baltimore Bullets (E1)

1974:  Boston Celtics (E1) over Milwaukee Bucks (W1)

1979:  Seattle SuperSonics (W1) over Washington Bullets (E1)

1983:  Philadelphia 76ers (E1) over Los Angeles Lakers (W1)

1984:  Boston Celtics (E1) over Los Angeles Lakers (W1)

1985:  Los Angeles Lakers (W1) over Boston Celtics (E1)

1987:  Los Angeles Lakers (W1) over Boston Celtics (E1)

1989:  Detroit Pistons (E1) over Los Angeles Lakers (W1)

1992:  Chicago Bulls (E1) over Portland Trail Blazers (W1)

1996:  Chicago Bulls (E1) over Seattle SuperSonics (W1)

1997:  Chicago Bulls (E1) over Utah Jazz (W1)

1998:  Chicago Bulls (E1) over Utah Jazz (W1)

2000:  Los Angeles Lakers (W1) over Indiana Pacers (E1)

2008:  Boston Celtics (E1) over Los Angeles Lakers (W1)

Finals Rematches

This is the 13th time in NBA history that is a rematch of the previous year's finals.  In the previous 12 finals rematches, the defending champion is 6-6, although the '98 Bulls are the only team to win a finals rematch since the Nixon administration.  Here are

1953:  Minneapolis Lakers over New York Knicks (Lakers won in '52)

1958:  St. Louis Hawks over Boston Celtics (Celtics won in '57)

1961:  Boston Celtics over St. Louis Hawks (Celtics won in '60)

1963:  Boston Celtics over Los Angeles Lakers (Celtics won in '62)

1966:  Boston Celtics over Los Angeles Lakers (Celtics won in '65)

1969:  Boston Celtics over Los Angeles Lakers (Celtics won in '68)

1973:  New York Knicks over Los Angeles Lakers (Lakers won in '72)

1979:  Seattle SuperSonics over Washington Bullets (Bullets won in '78)

1983:  Philadelphia 76ers over Los Angeles Lakers (Lakers won in '82)

1985:  Los Angeles Lakers over Boston Celtics (Celtics won in '84)

1989:  Detroit Pistons over Los Angeles Lakers (Lakers won in '88)

1998:  Chicago Bulls over Utah Jazz (Bulls won in '97)

2014:  San Antonio Spurs over Miami Heat (Heat won in '13)

Warriors Looking to Win Two in a Row

If the Warriors win, they will be the 7th franchise in NBA history to win back-to-back titles.  Here is who else has done it (in chronological order):

Los Angeles/Minneapolis Lakers:  1952-1954, 1987-1988, 2000-2002, 2009-2010

Boston Celtics:  1959-1966, 1968-1969

Detroit Pistons:  1989-1990

Chicago Bulls:  1991-1993, 1996-1998

Houston Rockets:  1994-1995

Miami Heat:  2012-2013

Cavaliers Looking to Win their Franchise's First Championship

The Cavaliers' first season in the NBA was the 1970-1971 season.  If the Cavaliers win, it will be the first championship in their franchise's history.  Amazingly, 45 years would not be the longest an NBA franchise has gone before winning its first title.  Here are the other NBA franchises that took (or are currently taking) more than 25 years to win an NBA title after joining the league (some franchises won ABA titles prior to joining the NBA, which is noted).  For the years, I'm counting the year in which the season ended (i.e., the 1996-1997 season would be considered 1997).  Anyway, here you go:

Detroit Pistons:  49 years (1950-1989)

Phoenix Suns:  47 years (1969-present)

Cleveland Cavaliers:  45 years (1971-present)

Los Angeles Clippers/San Diego Clippers/Buffalo Braves:  45 years (1971-present)

Utah Jazz/New Orleans Jazz:  41 years (1975-present)

Brooklyn Nets:  38 years (1977-present; but won two ABA titles prior to joining NBA)

Denver Nuggets:  38 years (1977-present)

Indiana Pacers:  38 years (1977-present; but won three ABA titles prior to joining NBA)

Dallas Mavericks:  30 years (1981-2011)

Minnesota Timberwolves:  26 years (1990-present)

Houston Rockets/San Diego Rockets:  26 years (1968-1994)

Orlando Magic:  26 years (1990-present)

Major Sports Whole City Futility

And now, let's turn to some broader sports stats.  So, a few weeks ago, I saw the Believeland 30 for 30 on ESPN, which was about Cleveland sports' agonizing last several decades, from The Drive to The Fumble to The Shot to the Indians' Game 7 loss in the '97 World Series to LeBron leaving.  It was rough to watch, and I'm not even from Cleveland.

With that as a backdrop, I'd like to run through some championship futility statistics for entire cities.  I am considering the championship year to be the year in which the championship was won.  For example, Super Bowl XX was played after the 1985 season, but it took place on January 26, 1986, so I will consider that to be 1986 for purposes of the stats below.  There are 52 cities that currently have a professional sports team in at least one of the four major sports leagues (MLB, NBA, NFL, NHL), and for purposes of this, I'm going to count the AFL and ABA as "major" sports.

Droughts of at least 25 years between major sports championships for cities

For this one, I am including all cities that currently have a major professional sports franchise, and only cities that have won a major sports championship in the past.  For instance, in 2001, the Arizona Diamondbacks won the first championship for the city of Phoenix, but I'm not going to include all the years before 2001 in which Phoenix had a professional sports team but had not won a championship. 

-Ottawa:  89 years (1927 Senators to present – Ottawa did not have a hockey team between 1934 and 1990, so this one is somewhat skewed)

-San Diego:  53 years (1963 Chargers to present)

-Cleveland:  52 years (1964 Browns to present)

-Buffalo:  51 years (1965 Bills to present)

-Milwaukee:  45 years (1971 Bucks to present)

-Salt Lake City:  45 years (1971 Stars to present – there was a three year gap between 1976 when the Stars folded and 1979 when the Jazz moved to Salt Lake City)

-Portland:  39 years (1977 Trail Blazers to present)

-Washington:  36 years (1942 Redskins to 1978 Bullets)

-Cincinnati:  35 years (1940 Reds to 1975 Reds)

-Pittsburgh:  35 years (1925 Pirates to 1960 Pirates)

-Seattle:  35 years (1979 SuperSonics to 2014 Seahawks)

-Indianapolis:  34 years (1973 Pacers to 2007 Colts)

-Houston:  33 years (1961 Oilers to 1994 Rockets)

-Minneapolis:  33 years (1954 Lakers to 1987 Twins)

-Kansas City:  30 years (1985 Royals to 2015 Royals)

-Green Bay:  29 years (1968 Packers to 1997 Packers)

-Calgary:  27 years (1989 Flames to present)

-Cincinnati:  26 years (1990 Reds to present)

-Edmonton:  26 years (1990 Oilers to present)

-Oakland:  26 years (1989 Athletics to 2015 Warriors)

-Minneapolis:  25 years (1991 Twins to present)

-Philadelphia:  25 years (1983 76ers to 2008 Phillies)

-Toronto:  25 years (1967 Maple Leafs to 1992 Blue Jays)

Current major sports championship drought of 20+ years for cities with at least two professional sports teams

There are eleven cities with two or more professional sports teams who have current championship droughts of over 20 years, with Cleveland leading the way.  To the extent there are cities whose last championship came at a time when the city only had one major sports team, but the city has since gained a second major sports team, the drought below only starts from the point there were at least two major sports teams in the city.  For instance, the Buffalo Bills won the AFL title in 1965, but were the only sports team in Buffalo until the Sabres and Braves came along in 1970.  With that, here are the cities with at least two professional sports teams with current championship droughts of at least 20 years, with the year of the last championship or the year in which the city gained a second major sports team:

-Cleveland:  1964 (Browns)

-San Diego:  1969 (Padres founded in 1969; last championship was 1963 Chargers)

-Buffalo:  1970 (Sabres and Braves founded in 1970; last championship was 1965 Bills)

-Milwaukee:  1971

-Cincinnati:  1990

-Minneapolis:  1991

-Washington: 1992

-Toronto:  1993

-Atlanta:  1995

-Houston:  1995

-Charlotte:  never (1995-present)

Number of times a city has made it to a major sports championship game or series and lost between winning a major sports championship. 

Since the Browns won Cleveland's last professional sports championship in 1964, Cleveland sports teams have made it to their respective league's title games or series five times, which is the tenth time a city has been to at least five championship games or series across all major sports between winning a title in any sport.  Here are the others (FYI, I'm counting Brooklyn teams as part of New York):

Seven title game appearances between championships

-Minneapolis:  1954 Lakers to 1987 Twins (Lakers – 1959; Twins 1965; Vikings 1970, 1974-1975, 1977; North Stars 1981)

-Philadelphia:  1983 76ers to 2008 Phillies (Phillies – 1983, 1993; Flyers – 1985, 1987, 1997; 76ers - 2001; Eagles - 2005)

Six title game appearances between championships

-Buffalo:  1965 Bills to present (Bills – 1991-1994; Sabres - 1975,1999)

-Los Angeles:  1965 Dodgers to 1972 Lakers (Dodgers – 1966; Lakers – 1966, 1968-1970; Stars – 1970)

-New York:  1905 Giants (baseball) to 1921 Giants (baseball) (Giants (baseball) – 1911-1913, 1917; Brooklyn Robins – 1916, 1920)

-Toronto:  1932 Maple Leafs to 1942 Maple Leafs (Maple Leafs – 1933, 1935-1936, 1938-1940)

Five title game appearances between championships

-Boston:  1941 Bruins to 1957 Celtics (Bruins – 1943, 1946, 1953; Red Sox – 1946; Braves – 1948)

-Cleveland:  1964 Browns to present (Browns – 1965; Indians - 1995, 1997; Cavaliers - 2007, 2015)

-Los Angeles:  1972 Lakers to 1980 Lakers (Lakers – 1973; Dodgers – 1974, 1977-1978; Rams – 1980)

-San Diego:  1963 Chargers to present (Chargers – 1964-1965, 1995; Padres – 1984, 1998)

So there you have it:  a bunch of stats with which you can undoubtedly impress or depress your friends.

Retro Video of the Week: "Hero of the Day" by Metallica

Twenty years ago today, Metallica released their sixth studio album, Load, which has kind of a bad reputation.  Despite the fact that is sold 680,000 copies in the first week, was #1 on the Billboard album charts for four weeks, and has now gone platinum five times over, Load is often reviled by Metallica fans (of course, the die hards didn't like the Black Album, either).  It's not as heavy as their previous albums and seemed to steer away from thrash and metal towards grunge and alternative rock.  As a result, it was considered more "mainstream," whatever the fuck that meant in the very musically diverse 1990s, where pretty much anything and everything was "mainstream."  

The album produced the band's first (and, to date, only) song that reached the Top 10 of the Billboard Hot 100 ("Until It Sleeps"), but the song from the album I'm going with "Hero of the Day" because I think it has a cooler video (and it did hit #1 on the Billboard Mainstream Rock Tracks charts).

Tuesday Top Ten: Songs With Booze in the Title

If you're like me -- and you better pray to Jupiter you're not -- you had some trouble getting back into the flow of working today, in a little bit of a post-holiday hangover.  With Memorial Day now behind us, not only is it socially acceptable to wear white pants again, but we have also entered the drinking season.  Maybe those of you who live in warmer climates don't understand as well because you can have a beer outside all year long, but we Midwesterners really grab on to summer, cling to it like sweet death, and squeeze it dry.  From street festivals to backyard BBQs to bar patios to just being able to sit on someone's porch with a cocktail in your hand and shoot the shit, the summer is our reward for suffering through negative wind chills, snow in April, and being forced to wear scarves on a regular basis.  I hate scarves.

In honor of the fun we're going to have during the next three months, I have tried to come up with a list of the ten best songs with some type of alcohol (beer, wine, whiskey, etc.) or a brand of alcohol in the title.  I'm excluding songs that have a more general term (alcohol, liquor, etc.) in the title or that just discuss alcohol or drinking in the lyrics (since it would be damn near impossible to narrow that list down to ten).  Here are my top ten (in alphabetical order by artist):

1.  "Margaritaville" by Jimmy Buffett

I don't know if there has ever been a song that has so perfectly summarized its singer's lifestyle (or perceived lifestyle) than "Margaritaville."  Sure, it was largely derivative of Coconut Pete's "Piña Coladaburg," but Jimmy Buffett has built an empire because of this song.

2.  "Tequila" by The Champs

Chances are, the first time you ever heard of tequila was because of this song.  It's a classic early rock song, and who could forget when Pee Wee won the respect of the bikers by dancing to this song?

3.  "Nightrain" by Guns N' Roses

When I was a kid, I assumed that this song was about a train that ran after dusk.  Turns out, it's about a cheap, rot-gut wine (Night Train Express) that the band used to drink before they had made it, due to the alcoholic bang you could get for your buck.  The band came up with the chorus while drunkenly walking down the street sharing some Night Train.  One of the band members yelled "I'm on the Night Train!," and then the other guys in the band came up with the "bottoms up," "fill my cup," "I can never get enough," and other phrases that follow in the chorus.

4.  "Escape (The Piña Colada Song)" by Rupert Holmes

This song has to be one of the biggest guilty pleasure songs ever.  In theory, you should not like it.  It's cheesy, kitschy, and sounds like it was made in 1979 (which it was).  But there's just something about it.  Maybe it's the synthesizer solo.  Maybe it's the chorus.  Maybe it's the story -- a man who wants to cheat on his woman and a woman who wants to cheat on her man, so they take to the personal ads, eventually bringing them to meet clandestinely, only to realize that the person on the other end of their personal ad back-and-forth was their own significant other.  They must have had a good laugh, as they realized that they were so bored with their current relationship that they were forced to turn to personal ads, and they were so focused on their own wants and needs that they forgot about what brought them together in the first place:  a horrible, high-calorie, sugar-laden drink made from coconuts.  And banging at midnight.

5.  "Cold Gin" by Kiss

Ace Frehley wrote this song for Kiss's debut album, but he wasn't yet confident enough to sing, so the famously teetotaling Gene Simmons handled the vocals.  The song itself is about a man's apartment being so hot that he gives himself but one option to cool himself off:  drinking gin.  Hell no.

6.  "Gin and Juice" by Snoop Doggy Dogg

It's impossible for me to hear this and not immediately want to be in someone's back yard during the summer with a drink in my hand.

7.  "Whiskey in the Jar" by Thin Lizzy

The quintessential St. Patrick's Day song can actually be enjoyed all year round, just as whiskey in a jar can be.

8.  "One Bourbon, One Scotch, One Beer" by George Thorogood & The Destroyers

I like the John Lee Hooker version, but I love the George Thorogood version, especially the whole thing about getting kicked out of his apartment, not having a job, and then heading to the bar to take his mind off of things.  In one sense, I suppose this song taught me that, when things get rough, you can always turn to alcohol to escape.  In another sense, this song taught me that everybody's funny, now you funny too.

9.  "Red Red Wine" by UB40

Masters of covering songs and turning them into their own, UB40 probably hit its peak with their cover of Neil Diamond's "Red Red Wine."

10.  "Spill the Wine" by Eric Burdon and War
Hearing this song last week actually inspired me to write this list.  What a great song. Ex-lead singer of The Animals, Eric Burdon, teamed up with funk/Latin/jazz/rock band War for a couple albums in the early '70s, and "Spill The Wine" is the most enduring song of their brief collaboration.  It's a funky, soulful, psychedelic song about me, an overfed, long-haired, leaping gnome.


Honorable mention:  "Bottle of Red Wine" by Eric Clapton; "Me and My Wine" by Def Leppard; "Gin & Milk" by Dirty Pretty Things; "Quiet Whiskey" by Wynonie Harris; "Beer Drinkers and Hell Raisers" by Motörhead (or ZZ Top); "Champagne Supernova" by Oasis; "Streams of Whiskey" by The Pogues; "Take Your Whiskey Home" by Van Halen; "Oh Gin" by The Velvet Underground; "Screwdriver" by The White Stripes

I'm sure there are some that I'm missing, so feel free to comment with some others.

Hair Band Friday - 5/27/16

1.  "Thrill That Kills" by BulletBoys


2.  "Live and Let Die" by Guns N' Roses


3.  "Fistful of Diamonds" by W.A.S.P.


4.  "(Can't Live Without Your) Love and Affection" by Nelson


5.  "Top Jimmy" by Van Halen


6.  "Cupid's Dead" by Extreme


7.  "It Don't Matter" by Def Leppard


8.  "Dirty Rhythm" by Vinnie Vincent Invasion


9.  "I Can't Explain" by The Scorpions


10.  "Woman In Love" by Bon Jovi

The Chicago Handshake

So last night, I went to see The Eagles of Death Metal at The Metro.  Before the show, as is the custom, my friends and I had a drink at the G-Man Tavern, which is next door.  One of the "specials" listed was a "Chicago Handshake," which is an Old Style and a shot of Malört, for $7.

Frankly, seven dollars for two horribly tasting alcoholic beverages is probably too much, but then again, if someone wants to pay that for the kitsch of saying they had a Chicago Handshake, who am I to argue?  I also think it's funny to imagine a tourist who has never had either Old Style or Malört ordering this and assuming that all Chicagoans like both drinks.  And of course, I always support buying an out-of-towner horrible local drinks, so why not?

Old Style is the kind of swill that large breweries could pawn off on the masses several decades ago, when there were only like ten beers, and they were all basically the same.  And, even then, Old Style was a notch below most of the others.  I'm pretty sure Old Style has survived only because they sell it at Wrigley Field.  And God help you if you've ever gotten an Old Style at a Cubs game on a hot day and have not finished it within about ten minutes.  If there is a hell, all there would be to drink would be warm Old Style.

Malört is in its own category.  Made with wormwood, pig sweat, and the tears of several Swedish serial killers, Malört describes itself on its bottle as a "two-fisted liquor."  The label proudly proclaims that only 1 in 49 people who drink it will try it a second time.  It is a drink that is so bad, people use it as a prank shot to give to unsuspecting friends.  It's one of those things that you have to try at least once, just so you can experience for yourself just how bad it tastes.  But make no mistake, it truly is one of the worst-tasting liquids you will ever consume.  I have heard the taste described as follows:
-"pre-puke"
-"a shot of earwax"
-"melted plastic"
-"You know those jogging suits that wrestlers wear to help them lose weight? Well, imagine someone was jogging in one of those for five miles, then they lifted one of the pant legs and gathered leg sweat into a shot glass."
-"a burnt band-aid"

If you want a funny read, check out this article -- sent to me by a friend of mine who is one of the few people on Earth who actually likes Malört -- which describes three Chicago sommeliers' reactions to and descriptions of Malört.

In sum, if you're looking for a new and potentially vomit-inducing way to honor the Second City's fallen veterans this Memorial Day weekend, the Chicago Handshake might be just what the doctor ordered, especially if that doctor is not a doctor at all, but rather a hipster asshole who drinks awful-tasting beverages because it's ironic.

Retro Video of the Week: "Love Is a Wonderful Thing" by Michael Bolton

Many apologies for not posting a Tuesday Top Ten yesterday.  I was busy with work, parenting, eating, and practicing with my pop grindcore band, Adorable Apocalypse, as I do every Tuesday night.

But enough about me.  Let's talk music chart history.  Twenty-five years ago today, the Billboard album chart -- then known as The Billboard 200 Top Pop Albums, and now known as The Billboard 200 -- changed the way albums were tracked on the charts.  Prior to May 25, 1991, I kid you not, Billboard tracked album sales by calling record stores across the country and asking the record stores about album sales.  As you might imagine, that was not the most reliable way to track album sales.  For instance, if a record store owner really hated Quiet Riot (which is hypothetical, of course, since Quiet Riot is incapable of being hated), he or she might say that the store only sold ten copies of Metal Health that week, when it actually sold 400.  Or, on the flip side, a record store owner who was a huge Milli Vanilli fan might drastically inflate the sales numbers for Girl You Know It's True, in an attempt to get that album a higher position on the chart.

All of that nonsense ended on May 25, 1991, when Billboard switched to the Nielsen SoundScan system, ushering in the "SoundScan era."  SoundScan used technology to track actual cash register sales at thousands of retailers across the country, resulting in a Billboard album chart that much more accurately reflected the popularity of a particular album.  The added benefit is that record labels could use SoundScan data to try to convince radio stations to play songs by artists whose albums sold well, but who were relatively underrepresented on radio, including alternative rock, which, of course, exploded not too long after the SoundScan era began.

But there is only one man who can say his album was the first #1 on the Billboard album charts during the SoundScan era.  I'm sure you celebrate his entire catalog, but it was Michael Bolton's seventh studio album, Time, Love & Tenderness, that took the honors, hitting #1 on May 25, 1991.  After not finding huge success as a hard rock and heavy metal singer in the late '70s and early '80s, Bolton started writing songs for other artists and then eventually switched his own genre to the mother-pleasing easy listening songs we associate with him.  Feeding off the breakout success of his sixth album, 1989's Soul Provider, Bolton kept the momentum going on Time, Love & Tenderness.  The album has sold 8 million copies in the U.S. and 16 million worldwide, spawning four songs that cracked the Top 12 of the Billboard Hot 100:  "Love Is a Wonderful Thing" (#4), "Time, Love and Tenderness (#7), "When a Man Loves a Woman" (#1), and "Missing You Now" (#12).  It should also come as no surprise that all four songs topped the Billboard Adult Contemporary chart.  

I'm going with "Love Is a Wonderful Thing" as this week's Retro Video of the Week because The Isley Brothers sued Bolton and the other songwriter (and Sony Music) for copyright infringement, due to similarities between this song and an Isley Brothers song of the same name.  The Isleys won, and now this album is out of print as a result (although can be purchased digitally, apparently).  But you can always see the video on YouTube.

Hair Band Friday - 5/20/16

1.  "When Will It Rain" by Jackyl


2.  "Tall Cool One" by Robert Plant


3.  "The Warrior" by Scandal


4.  "CDFF-Lucky This Time" by Mr. Big


5.  "Little Fighter" by White Lion


6.  "While The City Sleeps" by Kiss


7.  "Bottom Line" by Ratt


8.  "Eyes Of A Stranger" by Queensrÿche


9.  "Little Guitars (Intro)" by Van Halen


10.  "Steeler" by Judas Priest