Tuesday Top Ten: Best Sports Rants

There is nothing like a good sports rant, whether it's a coach, player, or broadcaster yelling at a player, co-worker, member of the media, or no one in particular.

I have compiled what I believe to be the ten best sports-related rants. Enjoy.

10. Chris Berman gets pissed. While taping a 2000 Monday Night Football halftime show, anchor Chris Berman disapproves of some things.


9. Mike Gundy is a man and is forty. After Gundy (Oklahoma State's head football coach) had been getting slack from local media about switching his starting quarterbacks, he finally blew his top at a press conference, defending criticism that had been levied at the benched QB.


8. Allen Iverson talks about practice. Apparently asking an NBA player (who missed two key free throws) about practice is off-limits. To be clear, practice is not like an actual game.


7. Hal McRae throws a phone. Pretty self-explanatory.


6. Kevin Borseth on offensive rebounding. After a 2008 loss to Wisconsin, Borseth, the Michigan women's basketball coach, got a little testy with the podium and the issue of offensive rebounding.


5. John Chaney threatens to kill Jim Calipari. It's pretty rare that you see one coach go after another coach in a postgame press conference.


4. Jim Mora: "Playoffs?" This is what happens when you ask the coach of a team that is having a subpar season about his team's playoff chances.


3. Dennis Green suggests crowning the Bears. This rant was after Green's Arizona Cardinals had given up a 20-0 halftime lead to the Bears and a 23-10 lead heading into the fourth quarter. So many nuggets.


2. Bob Knight locker room tirade. The best part of this is that he was yelling at a team that would go on to win the Big Ten title. I guess they took what he had to say to heart.


1. Lee Elia tells the Bleacher Bums how it is. Elia was the Cubs manager from 1982-1983. On April 29, 1983, he went apeshit on Cubs fans. As a Sox fan, this rant is particularly vindicating.


If you have any other rants you are particularly fond of, feel free to post the link in a comment.

Queensland? More Like Stupidland

So those SOBs at the Queensland Board of Tourism passed me up for their fifty-person short list for The Best Job in the World. In case you don't know what I'm talking about, the Queensland, Australia Board of Tourism is holding a contest, where the winner gets to spend 6 months on an island near the Great Barrier Reef in a beautiful house with a salary of approximately $100,000 (in US dollars). All they have to do is blog about their experiences and make videos of what they're doing, with the goal being to boost tourism in Queensland. The application consisted of a 60-second video that was to explain why you were the best person for the job and show your knowledge of Queensland. I applied, foolishly thinking that they might be looking for someone without professional-grade filmmaking equipment, competitive swimming experience, or professional television experience. I was wrong. Check out the short list. All of the videos are works of art. Some are obviously (and unabashedly) professionally made.

All I had to offer was a laptop camera, a rapist's wit, Air Supply references, and hugs. For everyone. But no, they want someone who hosts her own travel TV show in India, or someone who produces films, or someone who looks good in a bathing suit. This is bullshit. I will never go to Queensland. I may, however, compile a blooper reel of my application and post it on YouTube.

Speak of the Devil

[NOTE: many of the links in this post may not be kosher with your employer's internet usage policy, but I suppose it should be, since it's all about being a good Christian.]

So remember last week when I suggested some of you might want to give up, among other things, making Bible-themed porn for Lent? I was just kidding. You know, because I didn't think that people actually made Christian porn, since Jesus and gang bangs don't seem to go hand in hand.

Apparently, I was not kidding. Tail Pipe sent me a link to a web page called "A Proposal for a Christian Pornography." This is fucking (pun intended) awesome.

According to the site, here are the rules for making Christian porn:
1. It must depict only married couples engaging in sexual acts. Of course. It wouldn't be porn if they weren't engaging in sexual acts.
2. It must portray sex within the context of a Christian marriage. So no Asians?
3. It must be instructional. All porn is instructional, as it teaches you, for instance, how to bang chicks.
4. Husband and wife must both receive their due benevolence. 69!
5. No extramarital sex, unless it is to illustrate the downfalls of adultery. So I guess when mom gets naughty with her daughter's well-hung boyfriend, dad should divorce her.
6. It must be uplifting and inspirational, focusing on strengthening Christian marriage and Christian faith. All porn is uplifting and inspirational, so that's not a problem. As for the second part, does the phrase "Oh God" mean anything to you?
7. No profanity. This would seem to be nearly impossible, based on every single porn I've ever seen. "Insert your penis into my vagina repeatedly in a manner that is decreasingly soft."

As if the rules of Christian porn weren't hilarious enough, the website also has links disucssing the following sexual concerns and, in doing so, makes the most compelling argument for Christianity that I have ever heard:

-Anal. This might be the best paragraph I've ever read in my life: "Are you saving yourself for your wedding night? The Devil wants you to fail, that’s why he puts stumbling blocks in your way. But God wants you to succeed, and that's why he has given us an alternative to intercourse before marriage: anal sex. Through anal sex, you can satisfy your body's needs, while you avoid the risk of unwanted pregnancy and still keep yourself pure for marriage." Really? Because I always thought chicks with distended anuses, while not necessarily pregnant, were certainly not "pure." The fact that there are unmarried hardcore Christians out there going two hole in the name of the Lord is absolutely hysterical -- and adorable -- on so many levels.

-Fellatio and Cunnilingus. For some reason, they call it "oral sex," and it's apparently okay with the big man. Good to know.

-Christian threesomes. What?! Interestingly, the Bible and Barney Stinson share one common value: No Devil's threeways.

-ED. "A Strong Erection is a Gift from God." Jesus Christ.

-Masturbation. Not a sin. Thank God.

-BDSM. Nothing says "I love God" like telling your spouse "I said lick my fucking boot clean."

-Shaving. Now this is something everyone can agree on. Who knew God likes nothing more than a landing strip?

And now my favorite:

-Fisting. The page is entitled "Fisting and God's Will." Holy shit. Apparently there are limits to God's will. For instance, a man may fist his wife without concern for what God may think. However, "a couple should first look deeply into their own hearts and pray for guidance as to whether it is wise for the wife to fist the husband." Truer words have never been spoken.

And just when you thought it couldn't get any better, there is a Q&A page that puts everything above to shame. I was half expecting them to say abortion's cool. It's not, by the way, except if conceived anally with a fist.

Helmets!

For those of you who missed it, the Blackhawks made the ingenius move of giving away Hawks construction helmets before the game. The risk you run in hockey, of course, is that someone gets a hat trick. And that's exactly what happened, twice (sort of). At least Bill Wirtz is still dead.

Updated Big Ten Tournament projected seeds

Here are some updated projected Big Ten Tournament seeds, along with the Big Ten standings, each team's remaining games, who I think will win, and each team's projected final record, followed by a projected Big Ten Tournament bracket. By the way, in case you forgot, I am Nostradamus.

Michigan St. (13-3): at Indiana (W), Purdue (W). Projected record: 15-3
Purdue (11-5): Northwestern (W), at Michigan State (L). Projected record: 12-6
Illinois (11-6): at Penn State (L). Projected record: 11-7
Penn St. (9-7): Illinois (W), at Iowa (L). Projected record: 10-8
Wisconsin (9-7): at Minnesota (L), Indiana (W). Projected record: 10-8
Ohio St. (8-8): at Iowa (W), at Northwestern (L). Projected record: 9-9
Minnesota (8-8): Wisconsin (W), Michigan (W). Projected record: 10-8
Michigan (8-9): at Minnesota (L). Projected record: 8-10
Northwestern (7-9): at Purdue (L), Ohio State (W). Projected record: 8-10
Iowa (4-12): Ohio State (L), Penn State (W). Projected record: 5-13
Indiana (1-15): Michigan State (L), at Wisconsin (L). Projected record: 1-17.

Projected final regular season standings:
1. Michigan St.: 15-3
2. Purdue: 12-6
3. Illinois: 11-7
4. Minnesota: 10-8 (3-1 vs. PSU and Wisconsin)
5. Wisconsin: 10-8 (2-2 vs. PSU and Minnesota)
6. Penn St.: 10-8 (1-3 vs. Minnesota and Wisconsin)
7. Ohio St.: 9-9
8. Michigan: 8-10 (holds tiebreaker because of 2-0 record vs. Northwestern)
9. Northwestern: 8-10
10. Iowa: 5-13 (has clinched #10 seed)
11. Indiana: 1-17 (has clinched #11 seed)

Projected bracket:
8. Michigan
9. Northwestern
Winner plays #1 Michigan State

4. Minnesota
5. Wisconsin

6. Penn State
11. Indiana
Winner plays #3 Illinois

7. Ohio State
10. Iowa
Winner plays #2 Purdue

Being a Mormon Must Suck

Of course now that I've chosen to give up booze for Jesus for 38 of the next 40 days, Jessie leaves for the weekend to visit Ari in The Nasty. Normally, this freedom would mean a weekend of debauchery: staying out until 5 or 6 in the morning; drinking whiskey in bed; dressing the dog up as a ninja; flirting with Target employees using the name "d'Artagnan" and talking about my three buddies "who are really into swords and fucking. Now where did you say the cereal was?"; mining bauxite; passing gas in public; triple dog daring homeless people to eat quarters for pennies. Sadly, none of these things can be achieved without the courage and wisdom that alcohol brings with it.

I'm going to be lost this weekend. What do sober people do on weekend nights? I know for sure that they don't have sex. Do they crochet while watching Murder She Wrote? Do they not eat burritos? Do they sleep? Is that what they do? I guess I'll try it, well the last one anyway. My goal is to get three nights' worth of sleep in two nights. With that as a pillar of my next two days, it's shaping up to be a horribly tame weekend, since I'll basically be trying to avoid being around alcohol (i.e., fun) the entire time, so as not to tempt myself (which I'm really good at doing).

Tonight I'm going to see a show at Second City tonight that my friend Heather is in (States! The Musical -- it runs through next Friday, so you should see it), but it certainly won't be the same sitting in Donny's Skybox without drinking a Hamm's. For Christ's sake, it's from the land of sky blue waters. Laughing sober is like trying to wipe your ass with two hands at the same time. You think you can do it, but you can't.

Tomorrow I'm going to get a haircut. Actually, I'll get all of them cut, Kevin. And I might get some suits tailored that I've had for two or three years, since I won't be taking a bath in gin, as I normally would do from three to five in the afternoon when Jessie's gone. I'll probably cry a lot, and play the Wii, and make a fort, and watch tickle fetish porn.

Tomorrow night, I'll wander the streets singing German techno pop songs. "Einen Stern der deinen Namen trägt." I'll be wearing a disco yeti costume that I'll have spent most of the day making, using stilts, felt, white leather, a Bedazzler, and Harley's fur (which I will have shaved off). "Hoch am Himmelszelt." It's not going to look very realistic, but I think the singing will overcome any visual deficiencies. "Den schenk ich Dir heut' Nacht." I also have plans to attend a Clue-themed orgy and win Mega Millions.

I should have listened to my dead grandmas' (yes, both grandmas) advice: "Kill yourself now, or else you run the risk of being hate fucked by a peacock." Is it March 14 yet?

MYMK47

Fellow Sigma class star and funny man "Craps" Haas and his band of NYC-based merrymakers have a website to showcase their comedic talents. Check out MYMK47 here.

Mr. or Mrs. or Ms. or Miss or Master 100,000

As GMYH stumbles closer and closer towards its 100,000th visitor, I'd like to remind you all that the 100,000th visitor will receive a full-on GMYH Biography, just like I used to do in the days of yore, when I had more time on my hands and ambition (and the ability to blog at work). So, if you happen to be visitor number 100,000, take a screen shot (Ctrl + Print Screen) or just take a picture of the screen and email it to me (gmyhblog@yahoo.com), and I will whip up a fake biography for all the world to see.

Midwestern Eavesdropping - 2/26/09

Twentysomething female watching Indiana/Purdue basketball game, after shot of Purdue student section: "Usually you have to be addicted to meth to be that ugly."
--Chicago
Eavesdropper: GMYH

Twentysomething special ed teacher: "I got MILKED and FISTED on the same day."
--Chicago
Eavesdropper: The Loose-Lipped Lithuanian

Drunk twentysomething female: "I want to be the Governor of Chicago."
--Chicago, Glascott's, Halsted & Webster
Eavesdropper: AlyK

While discussing a "woman" with huge fake breasts:
Drunk guy #1: "That's definitely a man."
Drunk Guy #2: "Then I would suck the shit out of that guy's tits."
--Ft. Lauderdale, a bar
Eavesdropper: RDC

Drunk female #1: "What did you spill?"
Drunk female #2: "Beer & tequila."
Drunk female #1: "Oh, I think that's called beerquila. Wait, I'm not sure."
--Chicago, Glascott's, Halsted & Webster
Eavesdropper: The Loose-Lipped Lithuanian

Twentysomething Indiana fan during halftime of Indiana/Illinois game, when Indiana was down 17: "If we come back to make this close, I will literally eat my hat."
--Chicago
Eavesdropper: GMYH

Twentysomething teacher: "I like people dodging with my car, especially in the spring. It's like playing Frogger with real people."
--Chicago
Eavesdropper: The Loose-Lipped Lithuanian

Twentysomething female Indiana alum at an IU Alumni Association function, to a couple fellow IU grads: "What've you heard about Brand? Is he dead yet?"
--Chicago, Rocks, 1301 W. Schubert
Eavesdropper: GMYH

Drunk twentysomething female discussing a plastic hammerhead shark hanging from ceiling above a bar: "I'm going to ride it. I will ride with one hand on one fin and one hand on the other fin."
--Chicago, Glascott's, Halsted & Webster
Eavesdropper: The Loose-Lipped Lithuanian

Thanks to everyone who contributed. As always, when you overhear something hilarious, email it to gmyhblog@yahoo.com for inclusion in the next Midwestern Eavesdropping.

New Book - I Hate New Music: The Classic Rock Manifesto by Dave Thompson

Well, I finally finished reading Oh the Glory of It All by Sean Wilsey, and I thoroughly enjoyed it. The book is a memoir of his life as the child of two San Francisco socialites, who divorce when he is young, with his dad marrying his mom's former best friend, who turns out to be a evil, maniacal devil woman (at least towards Sean). He chronicles his exploits in dealing with his parents (both eccentric in their own way and neither of whom could be considered models of parenting), being a teenage hooligan, getting kicked out of and/or escaping from various high schools and boarding schools, and eventually meeting his wife and writing his book. There were several times when I was reading it when I thought, "Holy shit, how is going to get out of this one?" I would definitely recommend it.

My new book is I Hate New Music: The Classic Rock Manifesto by Dave Thompson. I bought this at Borders a month ago, based solely on the title. To make things clear, I don't hate new music. I hate shitty music, whether it's new or old. Conversely, I like music that appeals to me, whether it's new or old. I just started this book this morning. It'll be interesting to see whether the author just comes across as a standard, narrow-minded old dude who isn't willing to listen to anything after Zeppelin, or if he can actually provide some insightful analysis.

Books read in 2009:

The Informers by Bret Easton Ellis

Oh The Glory of It All by Sean Wilsey