Marked for Death

No, this isn't a post about the harrowing tale of DEA agent John Hatcher's attempt to hunt down a Jamaican drug lord named Screwface. Rather, it's about two of the dumbest people in Iowa, who brilliantly decided to burgle a home with masks that they drew onto their faces with permanent marker, and quite terribly at that. Click here for the whole story and the pictures. They're priceless. The police chief's reaction is pretty solid too.

Rocktober Album #22: Mötley Crüe – Shout at the Devil (1983)

It is with a heavy heart that I report that Rocktober will soon be over. But fear not, starting Monday, I will launch a new series called No-no-no-vember – a daily look at history's most infamous rapes. First up: Europa. I kid. I have a bit of a dark sense of humor. Hell, I like to ask anorexic women when they're due.

With the pagan equivalent of Christmas coming tomorrow, it's only fitting that that last album of Rocktober have demonic undertones. Mötley Crüe's sophomore effort, Shout at the Devil, is a solid piece of hard rock – made in an era before the power ballad (which, of course, Mötley Crüe would popularize on their next album with "Home Sweet Home"). As a result, all of the songs are heavy rockers, and there aren't and damned pianos. The version of the album that I have is part of the Crüe's recent remastering of all of their albums, so it includes several bonus tracks (tracks 12-16).

A lot of people are confused by the title of the album, believing it to be some sort of invitation to hail the devil. I always took it to mean the opposite, i.e., that you should holler at the devil. "Hey, devil, don't be such a jerk!" See, that's not so bad after all, is it?

Before getting to the songs, I need to take a minute to note that the '80s were awesome. In what other decade would an album cover featuring a barbarian tranny motif have been so widely accepted as normal? Seriously, look at these guys. Nikki Sixx's hair is simply enormous. I think he was going for the "deaf glam goth linebacker" look, as evidenced by the make-up, the eye-black, the black leather, and the fact that he is signing "I love you." Vince Neil is sufficiently creepy, and certainly appears ready to sack Troy. Tommy Lee looks like a pirate hooker, literally. In his defense, he was probably also getting a blowjob when this picture was taken. Mick Mars looks like an emaciated version of Elvira. He is the definition of a walking soul. They certainly were a – wait for it – motley crew.

1. In The Beginning
This is a fire-and-brimstone, ethereal, spoken-word intro to the album, by some Vincent Price-esque dude describing basically how the world has gone to hell in a hand basket, although you can be assured that the term "hand basket" appears nowhere in any Mötley Crüe album. Anyway, the old man encourages you all to "be strong and shout at the devil!" Real reactionary.
2. Shout at the Devil
The title track is now an '80s glam metal classic. It's biting and raw, with a great guitar riff, dark imagery, and Vince's characteristic wail.
3. Looks That Kill
This is just a great hard rock/heavy metal song. The riff is fantastic.
4. Bastard
This might be my favorite song on the album. It's fast-paced, straight-forward hard rock song with a solid refrain ("bastard"). How can you not like a song written about a child born out of wedlock?
5. God Bless the Children of the Beast
This is a weird, relatively short and slow instrumental, presumably about Uday and Kusay Hussein.
6. Helter Skelter
A mildly entertaining cover of the Beatles' song that Charles Manson somehow misinterpreted as calling for a global race war. It's about a slide.
7. Red Hot
There is almost a punk vibe to this one, at least in tempo. Its pace is very frantic, with Tommy Lee's drum work leading the way throughout the song.
8. Too Young To Fall in Love
This is a plodding, dark rocker that some have hypothesized is about me. Those rumors are false. In fact, at the time this album came out, it was clear that I was NOT too young to fall in love, as I had already fallen in love with some chick named Carissa several weeks before the album was released, on the first day of kindergarten. I even kissed her on the cheek at some other kid's birthday party. She did not return the favor, thus holding the honor of being the first in what has become a long line of ardent, recurring rejection by the opposite sex that continues to this day.
9. Knock 'Em Dead, Kid
Another straight-forward rocker.
10. Ten Seconds to Love
I find it odd that Motley Crüe wrote a song about when I lost my virginity.
11. Danger
This is kind of a cheesy song that might have fit well in an '80s B horror movie, presumably about a massacre of some sort in a sorority house or at a slumber party.
12. Shout at the Devil (demo)
As it is a demo, it sounds a lot like the final version, but not as polished. There is also some shrieking at the end that isn't in the regular version.
13. Looks That Kill (demo)
This is also virtually the same as the final version.
14. Hotter Than Hell (demo)
This song is of no relation to the KISS song of the same name. Actually, this song would later become "Louder Than Hell" on the Theatre of Pain album.
15. I Will Survive
This song is of no relation to the Donna Summer song of the same name. Thank God, or, more appropriately, the devil.
16. Too Young To Fall in Love (demo)
This is also very similar to the final version, although a bit rougher and, therefore, less fulfilling.

Midwestern Eavesdropping - 10/29/09

Twentysomething female talking to a pregnant co-worker: "I just want to see some breast pump."
--Chicago
Eavesdropper: The Loose-Lipped Lithuanian

Guy walking down street, wearing large, Russian-style hat: "So I was a pallbearer and my mom really liked that."
--Chicago, Orchard & Drummond
Eavesdropper: Trashton

Drunk guy to a buddy: "Every time you eat a girl's ass out on the first date, you're gonna get Hep C."
--Chicago, Kelly's Pub, Sheffield & Webster
Eavesdropper: GMYH

Suit: "A miscarriage can't be good, especially for her--"
Skirt: "Already fragile mental health, I know..."
Suit (short pause): "I was going to say vagina."
--Chicago, California Pizza Kitchen, Wells & Washington
Eavesdropper: RobD

Fifth grade teacher unsure about pronunciation: "Was that i-talian or e-talian?"
--Chicago
Eavesdropper: The Loose-Lipped Lithuanian

Dude in concessions line at Carolina Panthers game: "My aunt works at Hooters so we went up there to see her. "
--Charlotte
Eavesdropper: Yehday

Overweight female attorney to colleague: "Is it possible to take too much Imodium?"
--Chicago, 219 S. Dearborn
Eavesdropper: GMYH

Giant man at an NFL game text messaging to a woman named Becky: "Let me know when he's not around so I can comeover for fun time."
--San Diego
Eavesdropper: Tron

Fifth-grade teacher: "I woke up with pretzel sticks stuck to my ass"
--Chicago
Eavesdropper: The Loose-Lipped Lithuanian

Dude #1 at Saturday party for one-year-old, to guy wearing Notre Dame jersey: "What is that, a Ron Powlus jersey?"
Dude #2 (incredulously): "No. Lee Beckton."
--Aurora, IL
Eavesdropper: GMYH

Female teacher: "Oh look, an automatic wheelchair. You know what I can do on top of one of those things!"
--Chicago
Eavesdropper: The Loose-Lipped Lithuanian

Chick outside bar, to friend: "Did I show you my naked lady ring? The CIO of the Library of Congress gave it to me."
--Chicago, Rocks, Schubert & Lakewood
Eavesdropper: GMYH

Fifth-grade teacher: "If I'm not blacked out I don't consider myself drunk."
--Chicago
Eavesdropper: The Loose-Lipped Lithuanian

Chick on phone on State Street bridge: "Dancing might be put on hold if mom gets a hip replacement."
--Chicago, State & Wacker
Eavesdropper: GMYH

One groomsman in a tuxedo to another: "I've always wanted to put something in my mouth that's been in yours."
--Chicago, LaSalle & Randolph
Eavesdropper: GMYH

Thanks for the submissions and all that crap. If you overhear something funny, email it to gmyhblog@yahoo.com. Good day.

Rocktober Album #21: Sex Pistols – Never Mind the Bollocks, Here's the Sex Pistols (1977)

32 years ago today, two beasts were unleashed on the world. Me and the Sex Pistols' one and only album, Never Mind the Bollocks, Here's the Sex Pistols. (There are conflicting reports about when the album was released, but I'm going to believe that it was on my birthday. Let me have this one.)

Widely recognized as THE album that defined punk and, above that, one of the most important albums in rock history, Never Mind the Bollocks is a cultural and musical institution. Of course, underneath all the angst, loud instruments, and screaming are some very well-crafted songs with hooks and pop sensibility.

1. Holidays In The Sun
Right of the bat, they come at you with supersonic speed and yelling and such. They apparently really wanted to go over the Berlin Wall.
2. Bodies
This is one of my favorites on the album. It is definitely intense. As a song about abortion, this certainly was a direct influence on the Bloomington, Indiana-based, short-lived punk sensation Cervical Implosion's hit song "Abortion Monday." In actuality, the inspiration is pretty messed up. Legend has it, the subject of the song – some chick called Pauline who – had several abortions, and one time showed up at Johnny Rotten's door with an aborted fetus in a plastic bag. Pretty standard.
3. No Feelings
Another great song, especially for those of us who care only about ourselves.
4. Liar
This is a song that I presume was written presciently about Mark Sanford. Zing!
5. God Save The Queen
This is a punk classic, summing up the English youth's collective feeling at that point in time: "No future / No future / No future for me."
6. Problems
I got a rash, man.
7. Seventeen
Any song describing oneself as a "lazy sod" has to be a good one. Oddly, Winger's cover of this song sounds nothing like it and contains none of the same lyrics.
8. Anarchy In The U.K.
"I am an antichrist / I am an anarchist." Talk about one of the all-time great lines. This, of course, is a punk classic. As I'm sure you all know, it spawned literal anarchy in the United Kingdom. The Queen abdicated her throne, Parliament closed its doors, and Pete Doherty was born.
9. Submission
This is slower than most of the other songs, almost sounding like it could be a Stooges song.
10. Pretty Vacant
This is another one of my favorites on this album. I love the intro riff, as well as the play on words in the chorus ("We're so pretty / Oh, so pretty / Vacant"). You see, Kevin, they actually don't think of themselves as pretty, but rather as pretty vacant.
11. New York
This one is basically a "fuck you" to New York scenesters.
12. E.M.I.
I bet EMI kicks themselves everyday for releasing the Sex Pistols they made this album. At least they have a constant reminder in song form.

Shit I Hate: Strippers with Meth Teeth

For the love of God, there has to be a dentist in this town. I don't give a shit if Tail Feathers doesn't offer dental insurance or that you have a raging habit to support, because I'm not paying $7 a Bud Light to see a stripper whose open mouth looks like Carlsbad Caverns. Please take the dollar bill I stuffed into your chartreuse g-string when I was mesmerized with your ability to slowly slide down that pole while hanging upside down -- when I still thought you resembled a young Uma Thurman more so than The Leprechaun -- and put it in that empty mayonnaise jar you keep next to the barren mattress in the room you've been staying in for the past few months or possibly years (you're not sure which it is because you've only slept a total of fourteen minutes in the past in six months, and, to be honest, the rest is kind of a blur, and, no, I don't have any meth), and when you have compiled somewhere between three and four dollars in the jar, buy some Arm & Hammer Advance White Baking Soda & Peroxide toothpaste. Use it. everyday. At least twice, and preferably after every time you smoke meth. So I guess that would be more than twice a day. Just make it a habit. You've proven that you can do that. When that doesn't work, you can always buy some fake teeth from the costume store -- NOT the ones that look just like yours because I don't think that will address the issue properly. Even vampire teeth would work, considering every guy's fantasy is to bang a vampire stripper. If that doesn't work, you can buy a mouth guard. Actually, on second thought, don't do that, because guys tend not to associate mouth guards with sexual attraction, so that might stifle the prospect of being rained upon with paper currency. Actually, what I think would really help is to stop smoking meth. Then you wouldn't have to be a stripper because you wouldn't have a meth habit to support, although I think you should stick with it because you got the tits for it. Using the money you will save by not buying meth several times a day, you can get yourself some nice veneers or even some dentures. Then you would be unstoppable. Imagine how much more money you'll make when your customers aren't afraid to fall asleep because they're concerned that you will enter their dreams and try to kill them. And then imagine how much meth you can buy with all that teeth money. Everybody wins.

Rocktober Album #20: Danzig – Thrall: Demonsweatlive (1993)

Glenn Danzig (not to be confused with Glenn Gdańsk), of course, was the lead singer of macabre punk rockers The Misfits and then Samhain. He is best known for being jacked and not wearing shirts, although he has also been famously cold cocked. After Samhain, he switched from punk to metal with the formation of his eponymous band.

Produced by Rick Rubin, Thrall: Demonsweatlive is, like G N' R Lies, a hybrid studio/live album. Half of the album is in the studio, and the other half is live. Many of the songs have bluesy undertones, and, appropriately, the live songs were recorded during a 1992 Halloween show.

The cover art is enough to make a man go sterile. Is that a maenad?

1. It's Coming Down
This is a nice, hard start to the album, with a heavy riff and powerful vocals. I don't know what's coming down, but I assume he's probably referring to Christmas decorations on December 26.
2. The Violent Fire
This one is a little slower-paced, but equally as heavy. It definitely has a horror blues-rock feel to it, and that description should make some sense when you hear it.
3. Trouble
This is an old Lieber & Stoller tune that Elvis sung in the movie King Creole. Of course, Danzig's version is darker than the original.
4. Snakes of Christ (live)
This is probably my second-favorite song on the album. It's got a great riff. And for you religious nuts out there, it talks about Jesus.
5. Am I Demon (live)
This song asks the age-old line of questions, "Am I human? Am I demon? Am I just like you?" The answer for me is yes, no, and no. Frankly, I'm not sure how you can answer the first two questions in the affirmative, as they appear to be contradictory. And then, if you do, the third question would still probably be a "no," unless you were talking to another de-man hybrid. (See what I did there? Man, I love combining words.)
6. Sistinas (live)
This is a ballad, if you can believe that. It showcases Danzig's voice (which is actually pretty good and often gets overshadowed by the guitars and the anger), and it almost sounds like a Morrissey song in some parts.
7. Mother (live)
This is the song that catapulted Danzig from the fringes to MTV.
93. Mother '93
For those of you who still own CDs (I am one), the remixed studio version of "Mother" is the hidden 93rd track. For those of you who download albums, it will just be the eighth song. What's the fun in that? Anyway, "Mother" was originally recorded on the band's 1988 debut album, Danzig, it was remixed for this album based on the early success of the album, and was included from the fourth pressing on. Obviously, this is Danzig's most popular song and has become a metal classic. Some of the lines are just delightfully evil. "Not about to see your light / But if you wanna find hell with me / I can show you what's it's like / 'Til you're bleeding." "Mother, tell your children not to hold my hand / Tell your children not to understand." Oh, mother!

Interesting tidbits:
1. Glenn Danzig has written songs for Roy Orbison and Johnny Cash.
2. The time on the CD between the live version of "Mother" and "Mother '93" is 7 minutes and 6 seconds, or 6 minutes and 66 seconds.

Of course, Playlist.com only had a few of the songs, so deal with it.

Rocktober Album #19: Iron Maiden – Killers (1981)

Iron Maiden are heavy metal royalty. They were the pioneers of the New Wave of British Heavy Metal, speeding up Thin Lizzy's twin lead guitar attack and combining it with ridiculous bass lines, dark imagery, and often quasi-operatic musical backdrops. Their mascot, Eddie, has become a character unto himself, gracing all of the band's album covers, as well as late '80s PSAs. And the band took their name from a medieval torture device. Excellent.

The band released two albums with their first lead singer, Paul Di'Anno, who was replaced by the wailing Bruce Dickinson in late 1981 because Di'Anno was allegedly delving into self-destructive behavior (and because his voice was thought to be too punkish).

Killers was the band's second album and last with Di'Anno. The band first toured America off the strength of this album, and it is a great metal album with wicked guitars, turbo bass and drum lines, and some excellent imagery delving into the supernatural, the macabre, and, dare I say it, murder. Enjoy.

1. The Ides of March
This is a brooding instrumental that appears to be building up to something. That something is the rest of the album.
2. Wrathchild
I don't know what a "wrathchild" is, but I hope my fetus isn't one. Regardless, this song is a plodding hard rock song. And, since these guys are British, "wrathchild" sounds like "rothchild."
3. Murders in the Rue Morgue
This is my favorite Iron Maiden song. It starts with a slow, almost classical intro, then blasts into high gear for the rest of the song. There's something about the verses that are very catchy. Plus, the lyrics are based loosely on an Edgar Allen Poe poem (I would just call it a Poe-m), and revolve around a dude who hears some screams, then gets framed for murdering a couple chicks, then runs away.
4. Another Life
This is another fast-paced rocker with an insano guitar solo in the middle.
5. Genghis Khan
This is an instrumental. It reminds me of a song to which an army of zombies or mummies might march, and I mean that in the best possible way.
6. Innocent Exile
This one has a funkier beat than most of the other songs. The lyrics to this one are a bit of a downer. It's another one about being framed for murder.
7. Killers
As Iron Maiden does so very well, the bass line and drums sound like a thundering herd of rhinos, storming towards you. Not me. You. And, as the song implies, this song is sung from the point of view of a killer. "You walk through the subway, my eyes burn a hole in your back / A footstep behind you, he lunges prepared for attack / Scream for mercy, he laughs as he's watching you bleed / Killer behind you, my blood lust defies all my needs."
8. Prodigal Son
This one has almost a Zeppelin feel to it.
9. Purgatory
This is a classic, fast-paced example of the NWOBH at its finest.
10. Twilight Zone
I like this song a lot. It's got a fast-speaking verse, and is generally awesome in all other respects. And for you ladies out there, the song's about a guy who's been dead for three years who tries to show his lover that she will never be alone, but the kicker is that she can't see or hear him. Classic romantic comedy material.
11. Drifters
This is my second-favorite song on the album. As with many of their songs, the band makes use of tempo changes masterfully in this one. It's got great, catchy verses, and an awesome guitar solo.

Interesting tidbit: While Bruce Dickinson does put his pants on one leg at a time and does, in fact, make gold records when his pants are on, he is of no relation to the fictional record producer of the same name made famous by Christopher Walken.

Follow Our Footsteps

One of the many Gregs I know and his special ladyfriend have done what many people dream of doing: they are taking a year off work and traveling around the world. To rub it in our noses, they are chronicling their journey via a "web log" called Follow Our Footsteps. (which I have added as a link on the sidebar). They are currently in Argentina.

New Book - Under the Banner of Heaven by Jon Krakauer

I finally finished KISS: Behind the Mask: The Official Authorized Biography by David Leaf and Ken Sharp. It was a cumbersome book, but a good one for any KISS fan. As I mentioned before, Leaf completed his portion of this back in 1980, after interviewing the band about their rise to glory the previous year. For one reason or another, the book didn't get published, then sat dormant for about fifteen years, until Leaf and Sharp (a KISS fanatic who had written articles about the band) met. Once Sharp found out that Leaf had written a book about KISS, he demanded to read it, did so, loved it, and convinced Leaf to publish it, with Sharp contributing to the band's post-1979 exploits. After that, there was an album-by-album, song-by-song analysis, complete with detailed commentary from the band, the producers, engineers, managers, etc. Leaf's portion was particularly interesting because the band was interviewed at a time when the original line-up was still together and when they were still the biggest band in the world. All in all, I would recommend it for fans of KISS, but not casual fans, unless you feel like reading about hundreds of songs you've never heard before.

My only beef with it was that, in the third section, the book glossed over Ace Frehley's solo album (which you know I like), discussing only two songs and providing very little commentary about it. I have no idea if that was simply due to a lack of interviews or discussions with Ace about the album or what, but I was disappointed nonetheless.

Aside from heights, forgetting your credit card at a bar, and rattlesnakes, there is nothing scarier than religious zealots. That's what attracted me to the book I just started reading, Under the Banner of Heaven: A Story of Violent Faith by Jon Krakauer. It's about the extremist sects of Mormonism, focusing on a 1984 double murder of a mother and her 15-month-old daughter by two of the woman's brothers-in-law, whose only explanation for the murder was that God ordered one of them to do it.

Books read in 2009:
The Informers by Bret Easton Ellis
Oh The Glory of It All by Sean Wilsey
I Hate New Music: The Classic Rock Manifesto by Dave Thompson
Sound of the Beast: The Complete Headbanging History of Heavy Metal by Ian Christe
Tearing Down the Wall of Sound: The Rise and Fall of Phil Spector by Mick Brown
A Confederacy of Dunces by John Kennedy Toole
Everybody Wants Some: The Van Halen Saga by Ian Christe
The Tipping Point by Malcolm Gladwell
Choke by Chuck Palahniuk
KISS: Behind the Mask: The Official Authorized Biography by David Leaf and Ken Sharp

Rocktober Album #18: Black Sabbath – Paranoid (1970)

In honor of the greatest holiday in the world, Halloween (take that, Guy Fawkes Night!), the last week of Rocktober will feature bands that delved into the macabre (with one notable exception, which I will explain when the time is proper).

We start the week off with a metal classic, Black Sabbath's sophomore effort, Paranoid. What a great album. Ozzy's vocals are creepy and excellent, Tony Iommi's guitars are predictably awesome, and the rhythm section of Bill Ward and Geezer Butler holds everything in place. It's axiomatic that this is one of the great heavy metal albums of all-time.

1. War Pigs/Luke's Wall
"War Pigs" is my favorite Black Sabbath song. It starts off slow, with air raid sirens in the background, then kicks into the main riff at about the 50-second mark. I get goosebumps whenever Ozzy kicks in with "generals gathered in their masses ' just like witches at black masses." It's right then when you realize you're not in Kansas anymore. This song has great dark imagery ("in the fields, a body's burning," "now in darkness world stops turning / ashes where the body's burning," "day of judgment, God is calling / on their knees, the war pigs crawling"). Once in high school, I wrote out the lyrics to "War Pigs" and told my mom it was a poem I wrote. Her reaction was, and I quote, "Oh. It's dark. It's good. But it's dark." Then I went away for a while.
2. Paranoid
I'm pretty sure I don't need to say anything about this classic.
3. Planet Caravan
This is a trippy, slower song that doesn't really mesh that well with the rest of the album, in my opinion.
4. Iron Man
You all know "Iron Man," and if you don't, you certainly know the riff, which is one of the most recognizable in rock history. This is a great metal song.
5. Electric Funeral
This is a badass, dark song about nuclear winter (not that there are many "light" songs about nuclear winter).
6. Hand of Doom
This one starts out kind of slow, but then kicks into gear about two minutes into it. It's another great early metal song.
7. Rat Salad
This is a completely awesome name for a song and, at the same time, something I hope never to eat. The song itself is a nice little instrumental.
8. Jack the Stripper/Fairies Wear Boots
This one (or two) is a solid end to the album. The latter half of the title is alleged to be an anti-skinhead credo.