Baby Names 2008: The Maiden (or Mayden or Maeden or Maden) Voyage

As it does every year, the Social Security Administration released its list of the most popular baby names for 2008. A good way to waste several hours is to surf the SSA's baby name database.

Singletons
Here are the top 10 for boys and girls:

Boys
1. Jacob
2. Michael
3. Ethan
4. Joshua
5. Daniel
6. Alexander
7. Anthony
8. William
9. Christopher
10. Matthew

Girls
1. Emma
2. Isabella
3. Emily
4. Madison
5. Ava
6. Olivia
7. Sophia
8. Abigail
9. Elizabeth
10. Chloe

As you can see, the boys names are pretty much traditional. Ethan, I could do without, but unfortunately I haven't yet been given naming power over all birthed humans in the United States. When that day comes, you better goddamn well believe that Leon will be higher than 502.

The girls names tend to be more trendy. Ten or fifteen years ago if you named your daughter Sophia, you'd be branded a "gay," since it would be assumed that you were a huge Golden Girls fan. And for Christ's sake, haven't we endured enough Madisons?

Here are some disturbing trends:

• With a ranking of 12, Andrew dropped out of the top 10 for the first time since 1995 and has its lowest ranking since 1984. This is sickening. Come on people, the name means "Disease-free slayer of dragons and vaginas, who gambles well." Worse yet, Andrew is now behind Jayden, whose rise in popularity I assume is directly related to the fact that Britney's second kids is named that. Fuck you, America. On the bright side, at least I'll know who my kids' drug dealers are going to be.
• Elvis has dropped from 673 to 713. More people need to be naming their sons Elvis.
• The largest increase in popularity in the Top 1000 is Khloe, which has jumped from 960 in 2006 to 665 in 2007 to 196 in 2008, which the SSA says "is undoubtedly related to the popularity of Khloe Kardashian from the show 'Keeping Up with the Kardashians.'" Idiots.
• Leonidas made his debut into the Top 1000, with a ranking of 883. Until he reaches 300, expect there to be bloodshed.
• Marley also debuted, at 764. This is the text from the official SSA press release: "Social Security officials expressed hope that parents were not naming their sons Marley after the badly behaved dog who starred in the movie 'Marley and Me.'" Yeah, I suppose it's better to be named after the pot-smoking philanderer who died of cancer.
• The number of two-syllable names on the boys list that have a long "a" in the first syllable and a "den" sound in the second syllable is an astounding 38: Jayden (11), Aiden (16), Brayden (51), Aidan (59), Hayden (79), Jaden (88), Ayden (91), Caden (95), Kaden (99), Kayden (152), Braden (156), Jaiden (168), Cayden (173), Kaiden (190), Caiden (250), Aden (254), Adan (299), Braydon (325), Aaden (343), Braeden (346), Jaydon (434), Jadon (473), Zayden (488), Braiden (494), Aydan (567), Jaeden (610), Bradyn (612), Kaeden (661), Kadin (722), Jaydin (745), Haiden (773), Raiden (780), Jaidyn (802), Aedan (821), Braedon (822), Jadyn (823), Jaydan (886), and Zaiden (898).
  
  "Well, all I know is that my Kaeden is more unique than y'all's Cayden." Curiously, there are no Gaidens, which, for you Gen Xers out there, is surely a disappointment, assuming it would be pronounced "guy-den," like the video game Ninja Gaiden.

Here are some other names I thought were ridiculous:

Boys
-Aditya (702). Huh?
-Aryan (669). Shouldn't this be #666?
-Avery (216). That's a chick's name (see #38 on the girls list).
-Blaze (866). Only appropriate if his last name is Ofglory.
-Bridger (978). "What does he do?" "Oh, he's a bridger." "What does that mean?" "It means his parents are assholes."
-Cannon (631). Unless he is hung like a horse, this name is sure to be unwise and a disappointment for future suitorettes.
-Cash (253) or Kash (779). You better hope he's cool, otherwise the nickname Broke might be appropriate.
-Dalton (218). Actually, this is completely awesome, assuming your son is a head bouncer (or "cooler," if you're up on the lingo) in a down-and-out live music club in a small Missouri town that lives in constant fear of Brad Wesley.
-Dayton (484). Dayton? I spent a month there one night.
-Dexter (715). This is a great show. Incidentally, it's also the name of the serial killer on the show.
-Draven (670). You're draven me mad! That's so Draven.
-Fabian (288). Only clean-cut, bubblegum pop singers from the 1950s are allowed to be named Fabian.
-Gideon (534). You can never take him to a hotel or allow him to hang out with anyone who has ever been to a hotel.
-Gunnar (540). Only appropriate if you have twins, the other one is named Matthew, and you're name is Ricky Nelson.
-Isai (734). Presumably Foghorn Leghorn fathered a lot of children (or at least named a lot of children) in 2008.
-Jagger (954). I love the Stones, but come on, go with Wyman.
-Jairo (556). I prefer Gyro.
-Jaxon (154) or Jaxson (268). Look, I know that's more unique than Jackson, but you're setting your kid up to be an MMA fighter. Plus, his nickname isn't going to be Jack, it's going to be Jax. "Oh, like the children's game from before there were TVs?" Yep, except it's spelled wrong. Alternatively, you can just skip the formalities and name him Jax right off the bat (#692).
-Jesus (79) or Messiah (704). Setting your kid up for failure.
-Jett (529). Sure, it may get a bump because it's the name of John Travolta's dead son, but there are very few people who can pull this name off, and most of them have the last name Li.
-Kale (500). Why don't you just name your kid Cabbage?
-Killian (794). You named your son after the beer that Coors decided was more important to keep in the U.S. market than Caffrey's. For that, I wish you ill.
-Krish (831). How can we give our kid a name that sounds like Holly Hunter saying Chris?
-Kyler (271). It's like a Brit saying Kyla.
-Luca (304). Sleeps with the fishes.
-Mauricio (369). If I could think of one name that would guarantee my kid would grow up to be a date rapist, it would be Mauricio.
-Maverick (511). I'm as much, if not more, of a Top Gun fan than most of the people out there, but come on. Then again, certain lesbians may see some real genius in his flying.
-Maxim (701). I would have gone with Stuff or Gear.
-Maximilian (300) or Maximillian (943). Only hip hop groups that release songs called "Fat Boy" should have either of these names. Oh, I guess that was Max-A-Million, but still.
-Memphis (688). I guess it's better than West Memphis.
-Noe (518). No.
-Odin (983). I didn't realize there were that many Norse pagans around anymore.
-Remington (721). A lot of people must have the last name Steele.
-Ryder (203). Stop! Drop! Shut 'em down, open up shop!
-Ryker (420). Rikers Island is a notorious jail. Ergo, Ryker is not a good name.
-Semaj (696). At first, you're thinking that Semaj is an "ethnic" name. Then you realize it's James spelled backwards. I did not see Werdna on the list.
-Sincere (719). You better hope he is.
-Talon (465) or Talan (726). Do the chickens have large your sons?
-Teagan (658). This is also a girl's name (see #321 on the girls list). Also, this name is only appropriate if the child walks with ghosts.
-Uriel (387). You should not be naming a child something that is in any way close to "urine" or "urinal."
-Xander (267) or Zander (298). I know it's not Szandor -- the middle name of the founder of the Church of Satan, Anton LaVey -- but it is a homophone, and it's probably best not to set your kid up to look like this.
-Yael (912). I have a guess as to where he will not be attending college.
-Yair (838). Hopefully he doesn't get stuck in a tree, otherwise you'd have the Yair up there. Ah-thank you!
-Zaid (924). What the fuck is that? Oh, that's just supervillain Zaid, here from Krypton to battle Superman.

Girls
-Aurora (288). Last name: Borealis.
-Azaria (954). I'm a fan of Hank Azaria. His work on Herman's Head was brilliant. But I wouldn't name my child after him.
-Brooklyn (47). Brooke and Lynn (or Lynne) are fine names. Brooklyn is a stripper's name. Same with Brooklynn (#182).
-Cadence (212), Kaydence (286), or Kadence (387). I hope she has good rhythm. Also, Cadence is the name of an Argentine Mastiff at the dog park, which is a dog the size of a small cow.
-Dayanara (658). The fact that it is ranked 658 implies that there are multiple people who have named their children Dayanara. I can guess what people will say when she's about to leave.
-Diamond (449). "And now, welcome back to the center stage, Diamond!" And then Rob Zombie's "Living Dead Girl" kicks in.
-Dulce (302). Sweet.
-Esmeralda (294). I didn't realize soothsayers were breeding that much these days.
-Essence (979). "And that was Diamond. Now welcome Essence to the center stage!" And then Ludacris's "What's Your Fantasy" kicks in.
-Genesis (95). Any first-born named Genesis will forever be subject to parents, aunts, uncles, and grandparents saying, "It all began with Genesis. See what I did there?"
-Haven (631). I hope she's safe.
-Heaven (275). I hope she's not too far away.
-Ireland (834). Kind of an odd name for a girl. Not that it is necessarily any better for a boy, but of all the countries out there, the ones that end in "land" are kind of the worst to name a child.
-Journey (594). Where to begin. When the lights go down in the city, she won't stop believing that someday love will find her, faithfully. Then she'll get it any way she wants it, which will be the way she needs it. There will be lovin', touchin', and squeezin' with open arms. And then she'll see a wheel in the sky.
-Liberty (620). "Thank you Essence. Now if we could get Liberty to the stage -- Liberty. Guys, put your hands together for Liberty." And then Mötley Crüe's "Girls Girls Girls" kicks in.
-Lola (246). Well, I'm not dumb, but I can't understand why she walked like a woman and talked like a man.
-Marely (334). Is that pronounced "merrily" or "mare-lee"? And should you be naming your daughter something that implies she has the characteristics of a mare?
-Marley (146). See the discussion above regarding Marley being a dog, and then remember that chicks hate being called dogs (or Rastafarians, I suppose).
-Miracle (484) or Milagros (731). How many times in her life will she hear the phrase "It's a miracle" or "Es un milagro," respectively, when she walks into the room?
-Monserrat (674). At least they spelled Montserrat wrong.
-Patience (771). All the guys will need is just a little but of her.
-Princess (939). I didn't realize this was the teacup poodle list.
-Raven (625). "Thanks Liberty. Alright guys, get ready for Raven!" And then Warrant's "Cherry Pie" kicks in.
-Rayne (860). "Guys, give it up for Raven. Now, making her way to the center stage is Rayne!" And then Billy Squier's "The Stroke" kicks in.
-Riley (39). That's a yellow lab's name (see #2 on yellow labs list). And it doesn't matter if you spell it Rylee, which is somehow #116. Or Ryleigh (#264). Or Rylie (313).
-Serenity (111). Now.
-Trinity (70). I was a bit shocked that Neo and Morpheus weren't on the boys list.
-Willow (408). She is great.

Twins
Also, the results for most popular twin names are always good for a laugh. I have expounded on the ridiculousness of some of these in previous years, 2005's names in particular. Back then, I stated:

"Jaden and Jordan (#37) or Jayden and Jordan (#79) - So we have a basketball player and a hooker. You should only name your daughter Jaden (or Jayden) if you want her to be penetrating herself on the internet in 18 years."

Well, apparently people with fertile uteruses failed to heed my warning. Jayden and Jordan is now up to NUMBER 3! I now know these names to be MALE names, but that doesn't make it any better.

In addition, people openly mocked my warning about Taylor and Tyler (now #5) and Christopher and Christian (now #25). When you have twins, the goal should not be to name them so similarly as to cause confusion. Again, which one is Chris?

This year's number 2 is Daniel and David. This is all great if they are competing Olympic decathletes in 1992, but you're just setting up one of them for failure.

Tops for the female twins are Gabriella and Isabella. Unless you are Italian (or have an Italian-sounding last name), this really doesn't work. No one likes identical girls whose names are Gabriella and Isabella Kowalski.

At least Americans have cooled on Hope and Faith, which down to #14 (and now only the fourth-highest combo for girls).

Is it me, or do the majority of the twin combinations in the top 25 seem pretentious? Ethan and Evan, Madison and Morgan, Landon and Logan, Madison and Mason, Mackenzie and Madison? Not everyone summers in the Hamptons, so who the hell are these people?

I'd be more interested to see how many sets of male triplets were named Thomas, Richard, and Harold.