Listen to Hair Band Friday - 11/30/12

Brazilian Elevator Prank

I have always loved hidden camera shows, from Candid Camera to TV's Bloopers and Practical Jokes to Buzzkill to Punk'd to The Jamie Kennedy Experiment to Scare Tactics.  Here is a video from a hidden camera show in Brazil, along the lines of Scare Tactics.  It's hilarious.  The last few are especially good, most notably the very last guy, who I call Brazilian Frank Costanza.  Presumably, he was saying "serenity now" in Portuguese.  Thanks to Holt for the link.

Retro Video of the Week: "Karma Chameleon" by Culture Club

Culture Club's seminal 1983 album Colour By Numbers was the first tape I ever bought, so it has a special place in my heart.  "Karma Chameleon" was, of course, their biggest hit off that album (or any), going to #1 in pretty much every country in which it was released, and it's still one of the catchiest damn songs you'll ever hear.  The video is set in Mississippi in 1870, where the members of Culture Club -- cross-dressers, gays, and persons of African descent –- seem to fit in quite well despite the fact that they are all about to be murdered.

Tuesday Top Ten: Wireless Network Names, Part 2

Back in June, I posted a Tuesday Top Ten with some hilarious and weird wireless network names.  As you might imagine, I have come across some more hilarious and weird wireless network names as I attempt to play Words with Friends or Song Pop pretty much 24 hours a day.  And, like before, because I love you, there are more than ten.  These are in alphabetical order, and to the extent any context is needed, it has been added.

1.  BadNewzKennelz.  If you're not sure why this is funny and/or disturbing, Google it.

2.  Battle Toads

3.  BirdsOnBat

4.  Brosharks

5.  chickenbutt

6.  iluvturtles

7.  justinsbeaver

8.  Llamas Are Rad

9.  MIKE is a MORON

10.  ORDER MORE PUNCH, which was just above . . .

11.  ORDER MORE PUNCH!!!

12.  SANTOSPIRITO (while waiting in line at the Vatican)

13.  Weird Farts

Have you come across any funny wireless network names?  I bet you have, you little minx.  If so, feel free to share them.  You know you want to.

Undefeated After Week 13

The Hoosiers lost the Bucket game and ended a season of almosts at 4-8 instead of 8-4, Notre Dame beat a mediocre USC team to crush my dreams of a BCS championship game without a team whose fan base I have to interact with on a regular basis, and the BCS standings are poised for a showdown between ND and the winner of the SEC championship game, which I think we all know is going to be Alabama.  Jesus.  That would force me root for Nick Saban.  I'm not sure I could hate Notre Dame any more than I do at this point.  Thank God it's basketball season, so the fairweather people I went to IU with can now post something on Facebook about the Hoosier basketball team instead of the football team to which they have no relation other than it happens to be in the same state in which they grew up.  "But I was always a Notre Dame fan.  After all, I'm Catholic, I'm from the Midwest, and they were really good when I was in grade school."  Ahh yes, that explains why you only cheer for Notre Dame in years when they happen to have ten or more wins.  Fuck you.

Retro Video of the Week: "Purdue's Mascot" by Bob Knight

It's Old Oaken Bucket week, which means IU and Purdue play their annual bowl game Saturday (Noon EST, BTN) before staying home for the holidays, although the Hoosiers' homes don't have wheels on them.  Let's not kid ourselves here, people, there is not a more miserable place on the face of God's otherwise green Earth than West Lafayette, Indiana.  It was already bad enough that the sun doesn't shine there.  But then John Purdue –- who founded Purdue after he was denied a professorship at IU, presumably because IU wanted its English professors to be able to spell "Indiana" correctly -– decided to put in West Lafayette a university whose hallmarks are a bunch of ugly -– and I mean hideous –- people, buildings that look like they should be in 1950s Stalingrad, a stench that is part human, part pig, and part failure, athletes who would, true story, rather make love to a turkey than win an NCAA championship in anything, and a really big drum.  Perhaps this explains why, when they decided on their school colors, they went with the color of death and the color of a sober man's urine.

Back in the '80s, when, instead of dancing around the fact that he coached at IU for 29 years while announcing an IU/Georgia game on ESPNU, Bob Knight ruled the world and had his own coaching show, he pretty much hit the nail on the head in this video.

Tuesday Top Ten: Songs I Heard Today

At my core, I am a very lazy man, but I also hate to leave anyone stranded without something to stare at while he or she counts down the hours until Thanksgiving.  Okay, so maybe not something to stare at, but at least a mix of awesome and eclectic music that I, myself, listened to at work with my iPod on shuffle this very Tuesday while counting down the hours until Thanksgiving, or at least my favorite ten of those songs.  And if you do want something to watch, click here for an interesting old Today Show story about a woman whose toaster possessed by the devil.  (Thanks to Holt for the link.)  My favorite part is when she explains why she won't get a new toaster.

Anyway, of the 119 songs or portions of songs to which I listed at work today, here are my top ten in alphabetical order by artist, excluding Beatles songs because The Beatles aren't on Grooveshark:

1.  "The Kelly Affair" by Be Your Own Pet

2.  "Well All Right" by Blind Faith

3.  "Word Up" by Cameo

4.  "When The Music's Over" by The Doors

5.  "It's All Right" by The Impressions

6.  "Paradise By The Dashboard Light" by Meat Loaf

7.  "Talk Dirty to Me" by Poison

8.  "The Passenger" by Iggy Pop

9.  "Stumble and Fall" by Razorlight

10.  "Honky Tonk Women" by The Rolling Stones

I know what you're thinking:  "But GMYH, I can't put this list in perspective if I don't know the other 109 songs you listened to."  Yeah, that's gonna be rough for you.  Was it all Beatles?  Or was it all Federline?  The world will never know.

Undefeated After Week 12

This was probably the worst college football weekend in recent memory.  My Hoosiers got throttled in State College.  Insert child rape joke here.  Worse yet, #1 Kansas State and #2 Oregon lost.  What this means is that the most insufferable college football fan base this side of Ohio State is now vocally shitting itself all over Facebook because Notre fucking Dame -– a team that beat Purdue, Pitt, and BYU by a combined 9 points -- is now ranked #1 and is the lone bowl-eligible undefeated team.  And with the other two schools losing, it means Alabama has moved back up to #2 in the BCS standings, so those smug bastards are poised to slide into another BCS championship game.  Oh, and USC's star QB Matt Barkley got injured late in the Trojans' loss to UCLA, so he won't be playing against Notre Dame on Saturday.

So, tune into ABC Saturday night at 8 Eastern/7 Central/5 Pacific to see 11-0 Notre Dame play an unranked 7-4 USC team in Los Angeles, while millions of people who didn't go to Notre Dame will be posting about Notre Dame on Facebook using words like "we" and "MantHeisman."  Not every mouth breather with an IQ of less than 75 and skid-marked sweat pants roots for Purdue, so I'm not sure why being Irish or Catholic somehow authorizes a person to root like an asshole for Notre Dame -– well, root for one sport at Notre Dame, anyway.

Listen to Hair Band Friday - 11/16/12

Grooveshark is still working on its revamped widget, so click on the link below to listen to this week's Hair Band Friday selection.  Because I care about you, I made it 11 songs instead of the usual 10.  If that's not the sign of a good start to the weekend, I don't know what is.
http://grooveshark.com/playlist/Hair+Band+Friday+11+16+12/79621958

OC 101

In college, I took what I assume is the coolest class offered at any university, ever:  an entire class about The Beatles.  There have been other pop-culture classes offered at various schools on The Simpsons, Buffy, Frank Zappa, and The Sopranos.  But now Duke has raised the bar by offering a class on the greatest show in television history, The OC.  (Thanks to Tradd for the link.)  According to the article, the name of the class is "California Here We Come: The O.C. & Self-Aware Culture of 21st Century America," and it "aims to explore the 'hyper self-awareness' unique to The O.C. and analyze Californian exceptionalism and singularity in history and popular culture, girl culture, 21st century suburban revivalism, the indie music scene, the meta-series, and more."  Clearly, this is the best thing to ever come out of Duke.

Given that I have seen every episode of The OC and that I tend to overanalyze pretty much everything, I feel like I would thrive in this class.  In response to the article, one of my friends said, "The final is who would you rather bang: Marissa or Summer? Explain in detail what you would do and why."  This, of course, is a trick question because Marissa is dead.

Here are some possible lecture or essay topics I've thought of:

Sandy Cohen:  Greatest TV dad ever?

"Out on the streets for a living":  Ryan Atwood as an urban demigod hero who could pretty much kill anyone

OC can you sing?:  Popular music as a narrative device.

"Welcome to The OC, bitch":  Latent homosexuality and the contemporary water polo player.

Chrismukkah:  The new Festivus.

Caleb Nichol vs. Jimmy Cooper:  Lessons in Southern Californian business ethics

When killing off main characters goes wrong.

Dean Hess:  What an asshole.

"Er Yaw Sireus? Thaht's sew lahm":  How Kaitlin Cooper teaches our children to speak like fucking morons.

Here's Johnny's body:  Why no one is sad when kids with terrible hair die.

The Seth Cohenization of modern nerds in popular culture.

The world is a vampire:  Volchok, rape, and cocaine's impact on amateur surfing.

Seriously, what the fuck happened to Teresa and the child she had with Ryan?

"Gay dad trumps slutty mom":  The OC's impact on how we view our parents.

Summer of '69:  Summer Roberts as an allegory for the flower power movement.

"Candle wax, tube socks, and the new Fiona Apple CD":  What Taylor Townsend teaches us about sexuality in the new millennium.

I strongly encourage you to submit your suggested lecture and essay topics in the comments.  God, I miss The OC.

Retro Video of the Week: "Me and My Wine" by Def Leppard

This is probably the best Def Leppard song that was never released on a studio album (or greatest hits album, for that matter).  It was the B-side on the "Bringin' On the Heartbreak" single in 1981, and then it was remixed in 1984 and put on a re-released version of High 'n' Dry, neither of which were widely available in the U.S., at least as far as I remember, so the song was kind of a mystery that you only heard every once in a while if you were lucky.  The video was made in 1984, as you can tell by the fact that Phil Collen is in it (prior guitarist Pete Willis played on the original version, but was replaced by Collen after High 'n' Dry).  And, of course, you can tell right away that this video was made before December 31, 1984 because Rick Allen still has two arms.  The video was featured on 1988's Historia (a collection of the band's videos from 1980-1988), which you can sure as shit assume I own on VHS and DVD.  Thank yoouuu!

Tuesday Top Ten: Coaching Rants

Recently, Matt Mahanic, a Division III golf coach at a Christian college (Huntingdon College in Alabama), got a little over-excited after his team finished poorly at a tournament and went on a profanity-laced tirade for the ages at his team on the van ride back.  (Thanks to Holt for the link.)  As the story points out, you need to listen to the first 1:55, where Mahanic is calm, to truly appreciate the manner in which he blows up.  It's D-III golf, but the tirade suggests these players (well, except one) just threw the seventh game of World Series after killing all of Mahanic's family members.  I guess Mahanic was prone to this type of behavior, which is probably why one of his players was sick of putting up with it and decided to tape it.  Needless to say, Mahanic got fired.

A couple years ago, I posted my Top Ten Best Sports Rants, which featured coaches, players, and broadcasters going on rants.  In honor of Mahanic's brilliance, this list features my top ten favorite coaching rants, be it at players, the media, other coaches, or fans.  There is some overlap with my previous list, but watching/listening these never gets old, so I am at peace with the overlap.  Enjoy.

10. Kevin Borseth on offensive rebounding.

After a 2008 loss to Wisconsin, Borseth, the Michigan women's basketball coach, got a little testy with the podium and the issue of offensive rebounding.

9. Mike Gundy is a man and is forty.

After Gundy (Oklahoma State's head football coach) had been getting slack from local media about switching his starting quarterbacks, he finally blew his top at a press conference, defending criticism that had been levied at the benched QB.

8.  Herm Edwards explains why you play football.

7.  "Be a dog."

Here is Coastal Carolina football coach David Bennett trying to make an analogy about cats and dogs in 2011.

6. John Chaney threatens to kill Jim Calipari.

In 1994, after a particularly testy contest between Chaney's Temple Owls and Calipari's UMass Minutemen, where there were a couple flagrant fouls by UMass players, Chaney went nuts on Calipari.  I think we can all agree that the world would have been better had John Chaney followed through on his threat.

5. Jim Mora: "Playoffs?"

This is what happens when you ask the coach of a team that is having a subpar season about his team's playoff chances.

4.  Hal McRae throws a phone

A reporter asks then-Royals manager a question about a potential substitution after a loss, and this happens.

3. Dennis Green suggests crowning the Bears.

After the Bears came back from a 20-0 halftime deficit to beat the Cardinals in 2006, this is what Cardinals coach Dennis Green had to say.

2.  Bob Knight's greatest hits.

Trying to narrow it down to one Bob Knight rant was tough, so I didn't.  (1) The first is my favorite, a tirade he had during the 1991 season.  The best part of this is that he was yelling at a team featuring two future All-Americans, two future first-round picks and a second-round pick, the future all-time leading scorer in the Big Ten, and a team that would go on to win the Big Ten title that year and go to the Final Four the next year.  I guess they took what he had to say to heart.  "You fucking guys will run til you can't even suffer."  I'm not sure what that means.  (2) Knight discusses Damon Bailey's future during a 1993 press conference.  (3) Knight goes off on a reporter at Assembly Hall.  "Can we try it again, Coach?"  (4) Knight discusses the phrase "game face."  (5) Knight goes off on an NCAA Tournament official after a 1995 game when the official thought Knight was not going to be doing a press conference.  (By the way, click here if you want to see SportsCenter's Top 10 Bob Knight Sound Bites, some of which are included here.  Very solid.)

1. Lee Elia tells the Bleacher Bums how it is.

This has to be #1 because it is a rant against the fans.  Elia was the Cubs manager from 1982-1983. On April 29, 1983, he went apeshit on Cubs fans. As a Sox fan, this rant is particularly vindicating.  "85 percent of the world is fucking working.  The other 15 come out here.  It's a playground for the cocksuckers."  Priceless.  Do not turn this up at work, unless your boss is a Cardinals or White Sox fan, or unless you want to be fired.

Undefeated After Week 11

There's not a chance anymore.  Despite my presence at Memorial Stadium, the Hoosiers did what they do best:  get killed by Wisconsin.  In the last 3 seasons, IU has given up 204 points to Wisconsin.  As such, the Hoosiers will have to put off that Rose Bowl appearance until next year, and will need wins at Penn State and at Purdue in their last two weeks to become bowl-eligible.  Seems easy enough, right?  At least the Hoosiers' basketball team got a big commitment from the #7 recruit in next year's class, Noah Vonleh.  That at least eased some of the pain of a 62-14 loss.  

By the way, did you know they serve alcohol in Bloomington, Indiana?  I paid a man named Nick to drink some of it out of a lined wine bucket.  I'll be honest, I kind of like the taste of this "beer."

Despite the fact that there was not a friar among us, Robin of Locksley briefly joined us to play darts at Upstairs Pub.  At least that's my only explanation for this, given the sizable blue drinks we were all ingesting at this point.

But there was an even bigger story on Saturday than a fictional syphilitic arrow-slinging criminal from medieval England making an appearance in modern-day southern Indiana to throw one dart and then disappear forever, as Alabama lost at home to Texas A&M, knocking the Tide from their perch at #1 and likely (hopefully, please God) ending their BCS title hopes.  Also, Louisville shit the bed at Syracuse, ending their undefeated season and crushing what little chance they had of playing in the BCS championship game. 

Meanwhile, Oregon beat up on Cal, Kansas State (with Colin Klein) won at TCU, and Notre Dame beat a horrible Boston College team in a game that was for some reason on primetime.  At least it looks like if K State and Oregon win out, they will prevent Notre Dame from playing in the BCS title game.  Dear God, please let that happen.  That said, each team has games remaining against top 20 opponents, so nothing is set in stone just yet.

Here is a breakdown of the undefeated teams and each team's remaining games (rankings are BCS rankings):

#1 Kansas State (10-0)

11/17 – at Baylor (4-5)

12/1 - #15 Texas (8-2)

Remaining opponents' combined record:  12-7 (.632)

#2 Oregon (10-0)

11/17 – #13 Stanford (8-2)

11/24 – at #16 Oregon State (7-2)

11/30 – Pac-12 championship game - TBD

Remaining opponents' combined record:  15-4 (.789)

#3 Notre Dame (10-0)

11/17 – Wake Forest (5-5)

11/24 – at #18 USC (7-3)

Remaining opponents' combined record:  12-8 (.600)

Listen to Hair Band Friday - 11/9/12

Grooveshark is still working on their widget, so if you want to listen to this week's Hair Band Friday selections, click on this link:  http://grooveshark.com/playlist/Hair+Band+Friday+11+9+12/79344592

Retro Video of the Week: "Gin and Juice" by Snoop Doggy Dogg

I'm in the mood for some party music after last night's victory.  Speaking of which, here is a link to a photo gallery of some of the celebrities at the Obama victory rally. Number 9 is particularly impressive.  Ryan Atwood and President Obama.  The two most powerful men in the universe in the same room.  If only Marissa was alive to see it.  (Cue Imogen Heap's cover of "Hallelujah.")  Fucking Volchok.  God, I miss The OC.

VOTE!

That is an imperative statement.  I can't stand it when people say "my vote doesn't count, so I'm not going to vote."  If you say something like that, you don't deserve to vote.  No matter where you live -- even if you're a liberal living in the Deep South or a right-wing nut job living in California -- your vote always counts.  Perhaps you don't know this, but the presidential election is not the only thing you vote for when you go to the polls.  You have local, county, state, and federal elections, not to mention referendums and state constitutional amendments.  If you don't vote, you have no right to complain.  You've been given the gift of democracy, and you should take advantage of that gift every chance you get.  So, get out there and vote tomorrow, or shut your trap for the next four years.

Undefeated After Week 10

There's still a chance.  Sweet fucking Christ, there's still a chance.  After defeating Iowa this weekend, the Hoosiers kept their Leaders Division championship hopes alive.  IU currently stands at 2-3 in Big Ten play, while Wisconsin is 3-2.  (Ohio State and Penn State, who are on probation for allowing players to get improper benefits and covering up child rape, respectively, have better records but are both ineligible for post-season play.)  Wisconsin is playing at IU this weekend, which means that if the Hoosiers win, they would have the tiebreaker and the inside track on the Leaders Division title.  This is insane.  I only wish IU could have held its lead against Michigan State and eked out a win over Ohio State, and then a victory over Wisconsin would have clinched the division title.  "Pasadena, here I come" is what I'd like to be saying four weeks from now.  I have so little as an IU football fan, so just let me have this dream while it's still possible.

Anyway, as in years past, I'll be breaking down the remaining undefeated teams each week for the rest of the season.  Undoubtedly, you've been waiting for this day even more eagerly than for the election to be over, so that you don't have to watch political ads every damn commercial break.  I live in Chicago.  Why the fuck are Romney and his super PAC friends wasting their money here?

But I digress.  In this year's most-anticipated SEC game, Alabama went into Death Valley AT NIGHT and beat LSU 21-17 with a last-minute TD.  If I were an LSU fan, I'd be putting the blame squarely on head coach Les Miles.  In a game where points were at a premium, he left a lot on the board and made some bad decisions that led to Alabama points, going for a 54-yard field goal with a little over a minute left in the first half instead of punting (leading to a Bama touchdown), trying a fake field goal on a 4th and 12 that didn't result in a first down, unsuccessfully going for it on 4th and 1 in the 4th quarter instead of kicking a 41-yard field goal, and trying a mid-game onside kick that didn't work.  Worst of all, this means that, given the Tide's relatively easy schedule from here on out, we will likely have to look at Nick Saban's smug face in the BCS championship game, barring an upset in the SEC championship game.

Meanwhile, Oregon rolled USC in LA, Kansas State stomped Oklahoma State (although Heisman-contending QB Colin Klein was knocked out of the game with what appeared to be a head injury of some sort, given that his helmet was taken away from him after he failed to recall that he had just scored a touchdown), Notre Dame won another game they shouldn't have won, and Louisville quietly improved to 9-0.

Here is a breakdown of the undefeated teams and each team's remaining games (rankings are BCS rankings):

#1 Alabama (9-0)

11/10 – #15 Texas A&M (7-2)

11/17 – Western Carolina (1-9)

11/24 – Auburn (2-7)

12/1 - SEC championship game - TBD

Remaining opponents' combined record:  10-18 (.357)

#2 Kansas State (9-0)

11/10 - at TCU (6-3)

11/17 – at Baylor (4-4)

12/1 - #17 Texas (7-2)

Remaining opponents' combined record:  17-9 (.654)

#3 Oregon (9-0)

11/10 – at California (3-7)

11/17 – #14 Stanford (7-2)

11/24 – at #11 Oregon State (7-1)

11/30 – Pac-12 championship game - TBD

Remaining opponents' combined record:  17-10 (.630)

#4 Notre Dame (9-0)

11/10 – at Boston College (2-7)

11/17 – Wake Forest (5-4)

11/24 – at #19 USC (6-3)

Remaining opponents' combined record:  13-14 (.481)

#9 Louisville (9-0)

11/10 – at Syracuse (4-5)

11/24 – UConn (3-6)

11/29 – at Rutgers (7-1)

Remaining opponents' combined record:  14-12 (.538)

Listen to Hair Band Friday - 11/2/12

Grooveshark is revamping their embedded widgets, and they are apparently not ready yet, so if you want to listen to this week's Hair Band Friday list, click here and rock the fuck out:  http://grooveshark.com/playlist/Hair+Band+Friday+11+2+12/79059300.

Tuesday Top Ten: Halloween Costumes (2012 Edition)

As you may know, I love Halloween.  It is, without question, the greatest holiday of the year, and anyone who refuses to dress up is a fuddy duddy.  I'm sorry to be so harsh, but it needs to be said.

My weekend was a good one.  Thursday night, Jester, Daughter, and I carved some pumpkins.  Once again, I got some stencils from Zombie Pumpkins.  At Daughter's request, Jester chose Bruce, the shark from Finding Nemo. 

I went with the Samhain skull, which was hard to get a good photo of, but here you go:

Friday night, I went to a concert with my buddies Daniel and Chandler.  Every year, at one of a couple local live music venues, on both Halloween weekend nights, there are local bands playing tribute sets as other bands.  They dress up as the bands and, in the case of some, even talk like the band members.  This year, Halloweekend (as it's called) was at Martyr's.  Here was the Friday night line-up:

Vlad the Impaler as Black Sabbath

Bon Mots as Bad Company

The BuckStops as The Police

Dolly Varden as Fleetwood Mac

Johnny & The Creeps as Donovan

Dirty Pigeons as The Moody Blues

The show itself was awesome.  Every band was great, even the ones who were pretending to be bands I don't necessarily listen to all that much of.  The last three were especially good.  The Police are a really tough band to cover, both musically and vocally, but they nailed it.  Bad Company was awesome.  Right before they went on, I over heard the lead singer say to some friends, "time to make some panties drop," and then headed onto stage and presumably did just that.  I wasn't wearing panties myself, but if I had been, I definitely would have dropped them.  Black Sabbath was the last act, and they kicked ass.  Here is a picture of Ozzy about to be engulfed in smoke:

Fearing I would be ostracized from myself if I didn't dress up as a rocker, Friday night, I went as Lemmy from Motörhead. 

In years past, when I have dressed up as a rock star, I have acted the part, drinking my wife's contact lenses (allegedly) as Ace Frehley in 2006 and passing out standing up as Slash in 2010.  Given that Lemmy is 66 years old and it's damn near impossible to drink large quantities of alcohol with a fake mustache on, I was relatively tame.  Sure, I spoke in a gravely, often indecipherable British accent, drank whiskey, smoke Reds, and had sex with over 1,000 women, but I didn't black out or anything.

After the show, I went to Rocks, hoping to sing "Ace of Spades" at karaoke.  Much to my chagrin, there was no karaoke at Rocks Friday night, probably because too many minds would have been blown.  People and creatures I have known for years didn't recognize me, which was kind of funny.

Saturday, we took the kids trick-or-treating on Lincoln Avenue in North Center, where a bunch of the local businesses were handing out candy.  That was pleasant, although not as pleasant was watching the Hoosiers stomp Illinois, giving Kevin Wilson his first Big Ten win as IU's head coach.  In case you're wondering, the Hoosiers control their own destiny in the Big Ten Leaders Division.  If they win out –- which would only be their first five-game winning streak since 1987 -- then they will play in the Big Ten championship game.  If they win that, then they are Rose Bowl bound.  It's just that easy, folks.  Make it happen, Hoosiers.  Needless to say, the losses to Michigan State and Ohio State by a combined 7 points hurt right now.  If those and the last-minute losses to Ball State and Navy by a combined 3 points go the other way, IU would be 6-1 right now.  Maybe next year.  This year, I'm just focused on getting to the Rose Bowl.

Saturday night, Gregerson and his special ladyfriend Colleen (who are living in sin, mind you) threw a Halloween party.  The food and drink options were spectacular.  Or should I say spooktacular?  No, that doesn't really make sense.  I'll just go with spectacular.  They had deviled eggs that looked like eyes, a pumpkin vomiting guacamole, and a birthday cake honoring the facts that I've been alive for, gulp, 35 years.  A quarter of my life is over now, people.

In addition to your standard beer and booze, they made pudding shots.  Yes, pudding shots.  They were in the following flavors:  white Russian, black Russian, mud slide, and pumpkin cheese cake.  I made jello shots with limoncello, which were pretty awesome if I do say so myself.  Someone else brought "apple pie shots."  He boiled apple cider with cinnamon sticks, strained it, let it cool, and then added everclear.  The result was a shot that tasted like really good apple cider.  You couldn't even taste the alcohol.  It was a teenage date rapist's dream.

For the party, despite it being too damn hot, Gregerson was a penguin, so naturally, I was Billy Madison.

Last night, we took the kids trick-or-treating for real.  I went as the grim reaper, while Daughter went as Ariel from the Little Mermaid, and Lollipop (at Daughter's insistence) was a crab.  Daughter is really into aquatic life, apparently.

Here are the top ten costumes I saw this weekend (other than my own).

Honorable mention:

Peter Griffin 

Dead Captain America

Whatever this is

Beer man and '70s drug dealer lady

The fact that he carried a 12-pack of Hamm's around his neck for most of the night is impressive.

Jim Morrison

Notice the authentic toxin-induced sway.

Paulie Bleeker from Juno

It would make even more sense if you saw his wife, who is pregnant.

10.  Alex DeLarge from A Clockwork Orange

9.  Svengoolie

I didn't get a picture, but some chick Friday night dressed up as local Chicago late-night horror personality Svengoolie.  It was disturbingly spot-on.

8.  Swan

Jester played along with me, even though she hates dressing up.  She made a swan costume, pretty much only so that I could yell "Stop looking at me, swan" whenever she looked at me.  It didn't get old.

7.  Price is Right contestants

Looks like Kaila is ready to play some Plinko!  And looks like Ryan is a serial rapist.

6.  Former Penn State assistant coach and whistle blower Mike McQueary

He certainly didn't want to ruin anyone's weekend.

5.  Secret Service agents

Notice the coke-stained noses and bras, panties, and condoms.

4.  Buster from Arrested Development and the one-armed seal that ate his hand

Sure, they had to explain it to everyone, but it was still awesome.

3.  Raspberry beret

It was even the kind that you'd find in a second-hand store, as you can tell by the style of price tag.

2.  Miller High Life logo

The champagne of costumes.

1.  French KISS

I did not actually see this, nor do I know who these people are, but Kaila forwarded this to me, and Ace Frehley wept because he hadn't thought of it first.