Tuesday Top Ten: Favorite Van Halen Songs

Van Halen is probably one of the top five American rock bands ever.  I don't say that lightly.  I say it because it's true.  Last week, one of my favorite authors, Chuck Klosterman, published an article on Vulture.com ranking all 131 of Van Halen's studio album songs.  It was a massive undertaking, and I'd be lying if I told you I read his write-up of every song, since that may have taken days.  Even though I don't agree with all of his rankings, I sure as hell respect them.  All in all, it's a pretty solid list.  Here are Klosterman's Top 10 Van Halen songs (song, album, year):

10. "'5150'" (5150, 1986)
9. "Romeo Delight" (Women and Children First, 1980)
8. "Runnin' With the Devil" (Van Halen, 1978)
7. "You Really Got Me" (Van Halen, 1978)
6. "Hot for Teacher" (1984, 1984)
5. "D.O.A." (Van Halen II, 1979)
4. "Panama" (1984, 1984)
3. "Dance the Night Away" (Van Halen II, 1979)
2. "Unchained" (Fair Warning, 1981)
1. "Eruption" (Van Halen, 1978)

This is a very fair top ten, and of course, like any list of music, is completely subjective.  I'm going to give you the list of my ten favorite Van Halen songs momentarily.  First, it's important for you to recognize a couple things about my relationship with Van Halen.  I own every studio album from Van Halen through For Unlawful Carnal Knowledge, as well as the band's 2012 Roth "reunion" album (minus Michael Anthony), A Different Kind of Truth.  So, I don't have Sammy Hagar's last album, Balance, or the much-criticized Gary Cherone album, Van Halen III, or the "Best of" albums that had a couple originals.  And while I don't dislike the "Van Hagar" era, my tastes trend toward the energy and urgency of the Roth era rather than the more polished Hagar era.  I make no apologies for my list.  Here we go:

Honorable Mention:  "Ain't Talkin' 'Bout Love" (Van Halen, 1978), "Eruption" (Van Halen, 1978), "Ice Cream Man" (Van Halen, 1978), "Hang 'Em High" (Diver Down, 1982), "Top Jimmy" (1984, 1984), "Hot For Teacher" (1984, 1984), "Summer Nights" (5150, 1986), "When It's Love" (OU812, 1988)

10.  "Unchained" (Fair Warning, 1981)
"C'mon Dave, gimme a break."  "One break, coming up!"  You can't make that shit up.  And let's not discount the distorted riff.  Just a great rock and roll song. I also love the lyric "blue-eyed murder in a size five dress."


9.  "In A Simple Rhyme" (Women and Children First, 1980)
The sweet acoustic intro belies where the song quickly goes.  Enter Alex's breakneck drums, and the song takes off.


8.  "Dance The Night Away" (Van Halen II, 1979)
Like Klosterman notes in his piece, this song just makes you feel good.  It makes you feel like it's summer, even when you're stuck on an Antarctic weather station in the middle of winter.  You haven't seen the sun in weeks, and the wind is enough to rip your tits right off.  But then you hear that cowbell, that sweet and catchy riff, and that drum fill, and all of a sudden you're right back in Pasadena in the summer of 1980, just going at it with that bad boy Dale right there in the middle of the Cal Tech campus.  Nothing too lewd -- just a little making out and some over-the-clothes rubbing.  In a few years, he'll be in work-release program and you'll be in a PhD program.  You'll all but forget about him, except for every time you hear this song.  It brings a genuine smile to your face for three minutes and ten seconds, before the harsh reality of a career centered on the mating habits of penguins smacks you back into reality.


7.  "Poundcake" (For Unlawful Carnal Knowledge, 1991)
This is my favorite Van Hagar-era song.  Eddie uses a drill in the song.


6.  "Light Up The Sky" (Van Halen II, 1979)
That ascending guitar intro takes you straight into the sky, and you don't come back down.  This song -- as with many of these -- is on my running playlist.  Whenever it comes on, right after the bridge, when Roth yells "light 'em up!," I am physically unable to prevent myself from raising my right palm towards the sky like I'm grabbing a low-hanging boob and mouthing the lyrics in triumph.


5.  "Sinner's Swing!" (Fair Warning, 1981)
When I saw this one ranked at #70 on Klosterman's list, I nearly drove to Akron or Fargo or wherever he might live these days, and vigorously questioned him.  This is another frenetic hidden gem off of an underrated Roth-era album.


4.  "Beautiful Girls" (Van Halen II, 1979)
Setting aside that this was the soundtrack for maybe the best SNL fake commercial ever (though they have since changed the background music, presumably because SNL used "Beautiful Girls" without permission), this song is just plain awesome.  It's catchy, it rocks, and it's fun.


3.  "Everybody Wants Some!!" (Women and Children First, 1980)
Even if this song wasn't prominently featured in a scene involving anthropomorphic hamburgers in my favorite John Cusack movie, I would still put it up this high.  Those tribal drums and howling at the beginning set the tone for a five-minute ride down the road toward an aural orgasm.


2.  "Panama" (1984, 1984)
1984 was the first Van Halen album (tape, of course) that I ever owned.  I remember going to a friend's house after he got it, and we listened to it about ten times in a row on his brown Fisher-Price tape player.  On an album full of great songs, "Panama" was the song that struck me hardest.  This song still makes me want to roll down my windows, crank the volume, and pump my fist while I take my kids to the grocery store in our hybrid minivan.  And you better fucking believe that's what I do.


1.  "Romeo Delight" (Women and Children First, 1980)
This song is pure energy, and it sums up everything I love about Van Halen.  Right from the get-go, it grabs you by the balls, puts you shotgun in that T-Top Trans Am, shoves a tallboy of Bud in your face, and takes you to the best fucking party of the summer at 90 miles an hour.  By the end of the song, you've had a bottle and a half of whiskey, and you've woken up in the morning next to that hot nerdy chick who says she wants to study penguins.