Tuesday Top Ten: Songs About Diddling Yourself

I kid you not, I was at a six-year-old's birthday party this weekend, and the subject of dick pics came up.  Apparently there's a new dating app that has the technology to automatically blur out a dong when a pic is sent to the object of the overzealous guy's affection. The general consensus among the ladies was that no female wants to receive a dick pic because, as all genders agreed, penises are ugly. Several hours later, we were having a discussion about what queefs might sound like. This is 41. 

Speaking of male and female genitalia, last week, I came across a Kerrang! article entitled "12 Best Songs About Masturbation."  It's a pretty solid list. If you click on the link, they have each song embedded, but here's the list of songs:
-"Muscle of Love" by Alice Cooper
-"Turning Japanese" by The Vapors
-"Severed Lips" by Dinosaur, Jr. 
-"Spank Thru" by Nirvana
-"Orgasm Addict" by The Buzzcocks
-"Longview" by Green Day
-"M&Ms" by blink-182
-"Thinking of You" by A Perfect Circle
-"Diddle My Skittle" by Peaches
-"Capitol P" by Mindless Self Indulgence
-"Holding My Own" by The Darkness
-"Dancing With Myself" by The Donnas (cover of Billy Idol)

There's also some pretty good commentary and euphemisms. My personal favorite is "jerkin' the gherkin" because it's good to know I'm not the only one with a green hue. 

Here are ten additional songs I'd include on any list of the best songs about the favorite 45 seconds to 45 minutes of your day.  Some are about polishin' the knob.  Some are about strummin' the clitar.  All should be included on your new mix entitled "Ode to Porn Hub."  These are in no particular order.


1.  "I Touch Myself" by The DiVinyls
I would think it would be impossible to have any list of songs about pleasuring oneself without a song whose chorus is "I don't want anybody else / When I think about you, I touch myself."


2.  "Darling Nikki" by Prince
Hell, this was the song that Tipper Gore caught her kids listening to that made her start the PMRC. Oh Nikki! 


3.  "She Bop" by Cyndi Lauper
Girls do indeed just wanna have fun -- while bushwhacking, that is.


4.  "Pictures of Lily" by The Who
Ahh, the innocence of yanking yourself to sleep in the sixties.  My favorite part of this is that it starts out by a kid telling his dad he's been having trouble sleeping, so the dad gives him some pin-up posters to put on the kid's wall in his room.  "Trouble sleeping, there, Skip?  I got just the thing.  Here's a poster of this dame named Lily.  When you lie down in bed each night, just look up at her and shake hands with the milkman, if you know what I mean."  "Thanks, dad." "You got it, son." "Hey, dad?" "What is it, son?"  "Let's never speak to each other again."


5.  "Hands" by Jewel
Am I the only one, or does everyone else assume all of Jewel's songs are about the soul-saving act of jacking or jilling off?  Maybe it's just this one.  Or maybe this isn't even about that at all and it's just about someone's hands.  But read a little deeper into the lyrics, and I think you'll reach the same conclusion that I have.


6.  "Blister in the Sun" by Violent Femmes
Is there a more beloved song with the lyric "I stained my sheets?"


7.  "My Ding a Ling" by Chuck Berry
This is a classic, full of not-so-subtle double entendre about tugging the slug.


8.  "Beat It" by Michael Jackson
The message is both clear and worthy of consideration:  avoid confrontation and violence by having a ménage à moi.


9.  "You're Making Me High" by Toni Braxton
I wonder if Toni Braxton appreciated the irony of the fact that there were probably a significant number of guys in their teens and twenties waxing their candles to the ladies in the video of her song about engaging in hand-to-clam combat.


10.  "Pump It Up" by Elvis Costello & The Attractions
"It" is a penis.  Your own penis, to be exact.


This was a fun post to write and research.