Quarterfinal Match-Up 4: Smells Like Teen Spirit by Nirvana vs. Even Flow by Pearl Jam

Best Hard Rock Anthem of Our Generation Quarterfinal Update

In what some might consider an upset, third-seeded Livin' On a Prayer is knocked off by sixth-seeded Sweet Child O' Mine by a 54%-46% margin. In the final quarterfinal match-up, two grunge heavyweights do battle: Smells Like Teen Spirit by Nirvana vs. Even Flow by Pearl Jam (1991).

For Round 1 results, click here. For Round 2 results, click here.

For details on the countdown to the Best Hard Rock Anthem of Our Generation, click here.)

1. Enter Sandman by Metallica (1991) (56%)
8. Here I Go Again by Whitesnake (1987)

4. Pour Some Sugar On Me by Def Leppard (1987) (75%)
5. November Rain by Guns N' Roses (1991)

3. Livin' On a Prayer by Bon Jovi (1986)
6. Sweet Child O' Mine by Guns N' Roses (1987) (54%)

2. Smells Like Teen Spirit by Nirvana (1991)
7. Even Flow by Pearl Jam (1991)

Tuesday Top Ten: Favorite Holiday Songs

December is upon us, and the first snow has hit the ground here in Chicago. The only things that keep me on the level during December's first cold spells are whiskey and holiday songs and clown porn. Call me a sap, but I could listen to Christmas carols or that one song about Chanukah over and over again, especially if its while sipping on a Glen (anyone of the Glens will do, as long as it's not a blend) and watching a big-chested rodeo clown expose herself after a series of innuendo-laden encounters with a male co-worker.

But I digress. There are some great holiday songs out there, from The King to The Boss to The Chipmunks. I have previously sung the praises of the seminal Christmas album, A Christmas Gift For You from Phil Spector, and the list below evinces that praise, with top two songs coming from that album. Before Phil Spector was killing B-List actresses -- and even before he was holding loved ones hostage, ruining Beatles albums, or pointing guns at Ramones -- he was arguably the greatest record producer of all-time, and A Christmas Gift is no exception. Hell, it's ranked as the #142 album of all-time on Rolling Stone's 500 Greatest Albums of All-Time. Seriously, if you don't have it, get it. You won't be sorry.

But enough about Phil Spector, here is my list (with a mix tape of the songs following, so that you have a sweet holiday mix to listen to while you're at work):

10 (tie). "Santa's Beard" by The Beach Boys. I picture the kid in this song to be kind of like Tweak in South Park -- completely neurotic and apprehensive of everything, but focusing all that energy on determining whether the Santa at the mall is the real Santa. And when he finds out the dude's beard is fake, he tells himself that the dude is just helping the real Santa, somehow convincing himself that the minty smell on the dude's breath is candy canes, rather than Dr. McGillicuddy's. Ahh, the innocence of youth.

10 (tie). "Run Rudolph Run" by Chuck Berry. A great, uptempo, catchy holiday song by one of the all-time greats.

9. "Baby, It's Cold Outside" by Al Hirt and Ann-Margaret. Frankly any version I've heard is good. This just happens to be the one that I have. You have to give props to a song that is so obviously about date rape, but is also so openly accepted by mainstream, non-date-raping society. In case you don't know the premise of the song, it's about some dude (the part was originally called "Wolf") who managed to convince some chick (the part was originally called "Mouse") to come over to his date-rape-ready bachelor pad on a cold winter's night.

Her: "I should get going. My parents are probably worried."
Him: "Oooh, I don't know about that. It's pretty chilly out there, baby. I got an idea. How about you stay here?"
Her: "I shouldn't."
Him: "He's a drink."
Her: "Fine. One drink. Then I gotta go."
Him: "Sure, whatever, baby. Your eyes are beautiful, you know that?"
Her: "Damn, this is strong. What's in this?"
Him: "Rohypnal, bitch."
Her: "What was that?"
Him: "Just some spiced rum, cinnamon, and a little bit of nutmeg, but not too much because you don't want it to be overpowering. Can I take your hat?"
Her: "No."
Him: "You're hurting my pride, and frankly I don't see the sense in it."
Her: "Fine. Here."
Him: "You do know it's still cold out there, right baby? No cabs in these parts, and I'm too hammered to drive you home."
Her: "Why are you moving closer to me?"
Him: "Because your lips look so delicious, baby."
Her: "Are you kidding me? And can you stop calling me baby?"
Him: "No and no. Have you seen that blizzard out there, baby? Here's a half a drink more."
Her: "Thanks, but I really should be going. My siblings and maiden aunt will be up waiting for me, and Lord knows what the neighbors will think if I come traipsing out of here in the morning."
Him: "Do you realize how guilty I would feel if you caught pneumonia and died out there, all because I wasn't forthright enough to physically restrain you from leaving my apartment?"
Her: "I'm leaving."
Him: "Fine. Go."
Her: "Shit, you were right. It is cold outside."
Him: "That's what I've been trying to tell you, baby."
Her: "Look, alright, I'll stay here, even though I shouldn't. But no funny stuff."
Him: "I knew you'd come around."
Her: "Is it warm in here?"
Him: "I'll make it worth your while, baby."
Her: "No, seriously, it's . . . really . . . warm . . . in--"
Him: "Yes, it is warm in here, especially compared to outside, where it's cold, baby."
Her: "I . . . can't . . . seem . . . to . . . keep . . . my . . . eyes . . . o . . ."

Zzzzzzip!

8. "Please Come Home For Christmas" by Charles Brown. Back in 1960, future Rock and Roll Hall of Famer Brown released this song, which is kind of like a bluesier, male version of Darlene Love's "Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)," although released three years before the Phil Spector Christmas album. The song has since been covered by the likes of The Eagles and Bon Jovi, although no cover is as good as the original.

7. "Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree" by Brenda Lee. Sometimes I pretend that when she says "Maybe we'll have some pumpkin pie," she's really saying "Maybe we'll have some fuckin' pie," 'cause that's kind of what it sounds like, and that would be naughty.

6. "Santa Claus is Comin' to Town" by Bruce Springsteen. The Boss released this in 1981, and, as far as I know, it became an instant holiday classic. You'll notice that he based his version in part on The Crystals' version from the Phil Spector album. I'm just sayin'.

5. "The Chanukah Song" by Adam Sandler. Although rife with inaccuracies (Harrison Ford is half Jewish, not a quarter), this song is a classic. Who can forget the first time they heard the line "OJ Simpson . . . not a Jew"?

4. "All I Want for Christmas is You" by Mariah Carey. Sure, it's cheesy, but damn is it catchy and upbeat. If you've ever been to a Holiday Extravaganza Party at The Pound (or possibly the now-defunct Skybox), then you have experienced the power of "All I Want for Christmas is You" on repeat. If there's one thing that last year's Extravaganza taught me, it's that it's okay to embrace this song.

3. "The Chipmunk Song (Please Christmas Don't Be Late)" by The Chipmunks. I can't give you a rational reason as to why I love this song. Perhaps it's because that Alvin is just so incorrigible! Or maybe it's because I used to freak my roommates out when I'd sing it. Granted, I was holding a knife and blocking the door, but I felt like we really connected over the course of those three days. I still haven't received my plane that loops the loop, Jeremy.

2. "Sleigh Ride" by The Ronettes. I think Ronnie Spector (nee Bennett) has one of the best voices in rock and roll history, and I love the Ronettes' version of this song.

1. "Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)" by Darlene Love. From the booming, soulful vocals, to the Wall of Sound accompaniment, to the pleading in the lyrics, this song is simply awesome.

Other songs that barely missed the cut include: "Jingle Bell Rock" by Bobby Helms; "Blue Christmas" by Elvis Presley; "White Christmas" by Darlene Love; "Back Door Santa" by Clarence Carter; "Feliz Navidad" by Jose Feliciano; "Happy Xmas (War is Over)" by John Lennon, Yoko Ono, and The Plastic Ono Band; "Winter Wonderland" by Darlene Love; "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus" by The Ronettes; "Santa Claus Is Comin' To Town" by The Jackson Five.

A Weis Choice

I think I speak for all Notre Dame haters, when I thank the University of Notre Dame for keeping Charlie Weis on as head football coach. He may not be able to beat USC, but he is the only man whose ever beaten gastric bypass surgery. Here's to another 5-7 or 6-6 year in 2009!

More Like Steve and Bankruptcies

I forgot to mention in my Thanksgiving post that, in case you weren't already aware, high-end collegiate clothier Steve & Barry's is going out of business. Apparently the Buy One Get Three Free business model wasn't as lucrative as one might expect. Anyway, Jester and I managed to get several t-shirts, a long-sleeve t-shirt, a sticker, and a red-hooded sweeeeeeaaaaatshirt for something like $43. For those of you who live near, or will be visiting a town with, a Steve & Barry's, hit 'em up while they still exist.

Quarterfinal 3: Livin' On a Prayer by Bon Jovi vs. Sweet Child O' Mine by Guns N' Roses

Best Hard Rock Anthem of Our Generation Quaterfinal Update

Nothing lasts forever, even cold November Rain, as Pour Some Sugar On Me takes down GNR by a 75%-25% margin. Next up is another battle of hair band anthems: Livin' On a Prayer by Bon Jovi vs. Sweet Child O' Mine by Guns N' Roses.

For Round 1 results, click here. For Round 2 results, click here.

For details on the countdown to the Best Hard Rock Anthem of Our Generation, click here.)

1. Enter Sandman by Metallica (1991) (56%)
8. Here I Go Again by Whitesnake (1987)

4. Pour Some Sugar On Me by Def Leppard (1987) (75%)
5. November Rain by Guns N' Roses (1991)

3. Livin' On a Prayer by Bon Jovi (1986)
6. Sweet Child O' Mine by Guns N' Roses (1987)

2. Smells Like Teen Spirit by Nirvana (1991)
7. Even Flow by Pearl Jam (1991)

Three Thanksgivings

As is standard over the last several years, Jester and I traversed the Midwest in search of the most Thanksgiving dinners within a four-day period.

It began simply enough, with a drive to Roanoke Thursday morning to Jester's family's homestead. It was a traditional Thanksgiving feast, with turkey, ham, mashed potatoes, sweet potatoes, stuffing, green bean casserole, rolls, and such. I hurt myself.

As you may recall, Jessie's mom bought a couple goats a few years ago. Their names are Frederick and Bernard. I don't trust them, and I'll tell you why: they're goats. Seriously, look at this:
Would you trust an animal whose pupil is nothing more than a horizontal bar? The answer is no, Greg.

Of course the big news is that Jessie's mom, for reasons that are unclear to most other family members, recently purchased a cow. Upon first hearing this, I thought, "Sweet, I've always wanted to slaughter my own cow after riding it naked for like twenty minutes while whistling 'Patience.'" Then I found out it was a lady cow -- and a pregnant one at that -- which means nothing to me, other than the potential for veal in a few months. Anyway, here is a picture of Savannah, aka Sweet Georgia Brown, aka Molly Brown:


One of the reasons I like Savannah is that the goats are petrified of her (they share a pen). One of the reasons I don't like Savannah is because she could kill me in an instant.

Friday we saw Four Christmases, which was predictably average with some funny parts.

Saturday, Jester, Harley, and I packed up The Blaab and headed down the road to Bloomington to my dad's house. Reed and Sarah were already there, and they insisted that we go to Sonic for lunch upon our arrival. Liking hilarious commercials and chicks on rollerblades, we obliged. While eating some chili cheese fries, Jessie splattered chili all over her white shirt, declaring (in a robot voice, for some reason), "I AM CHILI TIT!"

Later, we went to the new Sahara Mart, which is on Third Street near College Mall. They have over 1000 different beers, all available for purchase. I came in my pants a little. But back to Saturday, I was fairly elated as I filled my cart while drowning out Jessie's pleading. "Andrew! Why won't you call me Chili Tit?!"

For dinner, we had a delicious rack of pork. No one declared themselves a pork rack tit, except for me.

Sunday morning, we headed up to the LaPorte area to Jessie's dad's house. In case you were wondering, the sun was not shining when we drove past West Lafayette. Upon our arrival, we were treated to something called upside-down pizza, which is kind of like pizza, but the crust is on top and the toppings are on the bottom. It was delicious.

I think I'm having the ol' meat shakes today. Also, I'm pretty sure Drew Rosenhaus is a giant ball of shit. Listening to him speak is painful.

Quarterfinal Match-Up 2: Pour Some Sugar On Me vs. November Rain by Guns N' Roses

Best Hard Rock Anthem of Our Generation Quarterfinal Update

In the first quarterfinal match-up, Enter Sandman sneaks by Here I Go Again by a 56%-44% margin. Next up is a battle between two heavy hitters: Pour Some Sugar On Me by Def Leppard vs. November Rain by Guns N' Roses.

For Round 1 results, click here. For Round 2 results, click here.

For details on the countdown to the Best Hard Rock Anthem of Our Generation, click here.)

1. Enter Sandman by Metallica (1991) (56%)
8. Here I Go Again by Whitesnake (1987)

4. Pour Some Sugar On Me by Def Leppard (1987)
5. November Rain by Guns N' Roses (1991)

3. Livin' On a Prayer by Bon Jovi (1986)
6. Sweet Child O' Mine by Guns N' Roses (1987)

2. Smells Like Teen Spirit by Nirvana (1991)
7. Even Flow by Pearl Jam (1991)