Undefeated After Week 14

And then there were three.  Before we get to the unbeatens, however, I must rejoice in the Hoosiers' 56-36 dismantling of Purdue to return the Old Oaken Bucket to its rightful home in Southern Indiana.  The score was much closer than the game actually was, as IU was up 49-9 in the third quarter and then took its foot of the gas pedal, much to my chagrin.  I was hoping for 70 points.  That bed-shitting loss against Minnesota a few weeks ago is stinging pretty badly right now.  Maybe next year I'll get to go to Detroit the day after Christmas.  One can dream.

Not long after IU's players were hoisting the Bucket, the nation witnessed one of the most amazing finishes in college football history, as #1 Alabama allowed #4 Auburn to run back a missed field goal 109 yards for a 34-28 win in the Iron Bowl.  I have no affiliation with either team, but I was literally jumping up and down in my living room and yelling "oh my God" over and over as I was watching that.  As you can imagine, Auburn and Alabama fans reacted with even more emotion.  Here are a couple fan reaction compilations, reinforcing my firmly held belief that there is nothing more joyous than when your college wins a big game and nothing more devastating than when your college loses a big game.

Meanwhile, on Friday, previously unbeaten Fresno State got upended by San Jose State, ending its BCS bowl hopes.  Florida State killed Florida.  Ohio State should have lost to Michigan, were it not for a terrible play call on what should have been the game-winning two-point conversion for Michigan.  Personally, I would have kicked the extra point and gone to overtime at home, but I'm okay with Brady Hoke's decision to go for two.  I just think the actual play called on the two-point conversion was not a good one.  And last but not least, Northern Illinois stomped Western Michigan last Tuesday night to remain unbeaten.

To remind you about the rules for non-AQ schools (i.e., schools not from the Big Ten, Big XII, SEC, ACC, Pac-12, or AAC) as far as getting a BCS bowl berth, here again is a refresher:

-The highest-ranked non-AQ conference champion will receive an automatic BCS bowl berth if it is: (1) ranked in the top 12 of the BCS standings; or (2) ranked in the top 16 of the BCS standings and ranked higher than at least one AQ conference champion.

-Only one non-AQ team can earn an automatic bid.

-A second non-AQ team can earn an at-large bid.  To be eligible for an at-large bid, a team must have at least 9 wins and must be in the top 14 of the BCS standings.

Right now, both Northern Illinois is ranked higher than UCF and Louisville, one of which will be the AAC conference champion, so Northern Illinois should get an automatic BCS bid if it beats Bowling Green in this Friday's MAC championship game.

If Florida State and Ohio State both win their respective conference championship games on Saturday (neither of which is a given), we will have our first BCS championship game without an SEC team since Texas's epic 41-38 win over USC in January 2006.

Here is a breakdown of the undefeated teams and each team's remaining game (rankings are BCS rankings):

#1 Florida State (12-0)

12/7 8 p.m. EST (ABC) - ACC championship game (Charlotte) vs. #20 Duke (10-2) (.833)

#2 Ohio State (12-0)

12/7 8 p.m. EST (Fox) – Big Ten championship game (Indianapolis) vs. #10 Michigan State (11-1) (.917)

#14 Northern Illinois (12-0)

12/6 - 8 p.m. EST (ESPN2) - MAC championship game (Detroit) vs. Bowling Green (9-3) (.750)

Tuesday Top Ten: Fun Facts About Purdue University

It's Old Oaken Bucket week.  This Saturday (3:30 EST; BTN), Purdue makes its bi-annual trip by pack mule down to Bloomington to take on the Hoosiers and see what the sun looks like.  For the 4th time in the last 6 years, the Hoosiers and Boilermakers will be playing in a "this is all we have" equivalent of their bowl game, before they respectively go to their homes and shanties for the holidays.

In case you have been sleeping under a rock for the last eight years –- in which case, hello, things are marginally better now, although Tupac is still dead –- I went to Indiana University.  Indiana University's arch-rival is Purdue University, a school comprised of men, eunuchs, and gargoyle-esque women who all stink as bad as the effluence of the livestock they aspire to one day breed for a living.  I do, have, and will always hate Purdue, and I wish their athletic teams nothing but continued failure and dysentery.  I have written about this hatred and about how Purdue stinks (both literally and figuratively) on many occasions.

In response to my 2007 magnum opus, "I Hate Purdue" -- referred to by IU fans as "Grade A+ screed" and "the most fantastic rant of hate that I have ever read," and referred to by Purdue fans as "buncha words all next'eachother" -- an anonymous idiot with no stake in the rivalry, who was apparently just trolling the internet for IU/Purdue-related content, recently posted a comment putting forth the proposition that "[r]ivalries are suppose[d] to be fun."  That's the dumbest fucking think I've ever read.  Orgies are supposed to be fun.  Rivalries are not.  The only two things that are supposed to be fun about a rivalry are beating your rival and talking shit about your rival. 

With that in mind, here are 14 "fun" facts about Purdue University, as much as facts about a two-year technical college that sits in a fetid, post-apocalyptic wasteland can be considered fun:

1.  People affiliated with Purdue consider what they refer to as "The World's Largest Drum" as a source of -- get this -- PRIDE.  However, their drum, despite the words that are clearly written on its face, is, in fact, not the world's largest drum.  In fact, it's not even the largest collegiate drum in the United States.

2.  Since Purdue was founded in 1869 by a horse fetishist who was unable to obtain a professorship at IU, a grand total of 16 attractive women have matriculated to Purdue.  Of those, 12 transferred to IU by the beginning of their sophomore year, 2 were force-fed various grains by their sorority sisters to "get up to weight," and the other 2 don't know what the word "matriculated" means.  All 16 developed restless leg syndrome.

3.  IU's Little 500 is rightfully ranked among the best college parties in America. Purdue's annual Poo Throwing Jamboree is not.

4.  After his car broke down on a desolate, pungent stretch of I-65, forcing him to spend a single night in West Lafayette, Trent Reznor wrote "Hurt."  Said Reznor about the song, "I wrote some words and music . . . as a way of staying sane, about a bleak and desperate place I was in . . . ."

5.  Darrell Hazell has more Ls in his name than the combined number of NCAA team championships Purdue has won across all men's and women's sports.

6.  While in college, my then-girlfriend (now wife), who also went to IU, once went to Purdue to visit a friend.  They were out at the bars.  She was wearing what would be considered normal, contemporary, female attire.  A male Purdue student, presumably wearing overalls, approached her and asked, I kid you not, "Are you from Europe?  You're sure not from around here."  This supports the findings of a 2001 Department of Education study showing that 78% of Purdue students believe Europe is "a place located approximately 30 minutes south of Fort Wayne."

7.  The original terms for the school colors, chosen by John Purdue himself, were Piss Yellow and Crow's Anus Black, but the school had to change them to the simpler gold and black in 1951, after it was discovered that the vast majority of Purdue students had been peeing on their clothes to show their school spirit.  Legend has it you can still smell the overwhelming stench of urine while walking through campus.

9.  On April 5, 1994, Kurt Cobain found out that Nirvana's next tour included a stop in West Lafayette.

10.  I know I've linked to this many times before, but it bears repeating.  The women at Purdue are so physically repulsive that they inspired a letter by a male Purdue student, presumably wearing overalls, to the Purdue student newspaper entitled "Purdue doesn't have enough quality women," in which the author correctly noted, "Women at Purdue are too fat."

11.  The last time the Purdue men's basketball team went to a Final Four was 1980.  That's just a straight fact that's not supposed to be funny.  Actually, it's pretty damn funny.

12.  The position of Purdue Pete, the school's dimwitted and child-scaring mascot, is given out each year to the graduating senior with the highest cumulative GPA who does not have foot-and-mouth disease.  It is considered the most prestigious job a Purdue graduate can attain, even more so than making boilers.

13.  Matt Painter masturbates to Nickelback.  While looking at pictures of Gene Keady.  And wearing overalls.

14.  In a recent AP/Ipsos telephone poll, 94% of current Purdue students answered "yes" to the question, "Is there a basement in the Alamo?"  4% were unsure, and the remaining 2% were unable to communicate verbally.

In sum, fuck Purdue, go Hoosiers, and Happy Thanksgiving!

Undefeated After Week 13

Well, so much for bowl hopes this year.  What seemed like such a promising year and a favorable schedule for the Hoosiers ended like they always do:  with disappointment and a Bucket game with only bragging rights on the line.  Sure, the Hoosiers beat the 35-point spread against O$U and left another 20 points on the field thanks to missed field goals and failed fourth down conversions in Ohio State's red zone, but that is of little solace.  Maybe next year.  Fuck.  I'm sure you're thinking "GMYH, IU sucks every year, so you should just accept it."  To that I say, I will never accept losing, even if I have come to expect it.  Kansas State, Wisconsin, Northwestern, and Virginia Tech used to be laughing stocks and now, for the most part, they are perennial bowl teams.  There's absolutely no reason IU can't be too.

On the national scene, we are down to five undefeated teams after Baylor laid a giant egg against Oklahoma State.  Alabama, Florida State, Fresno State, and Northern Illinois all cruised to easy wins.  Northern Illinois leapfrogged Fresno State in the BCS rankings and now sits at #14.

To remind you about the rules for non-AQ schools (i.e., schools not from the Big Ten, Big XII, SEC, ACC, Pac-12, or AAC) as far as getting a BCS bowl berth, here (again) is a refresher:

-The highest-ranked non-AQ conference champion will receive an automatic BCS bowl berth if it is: (1) ranked in the top 12 of the BCS standings; or (2) ranked in the top 16 of the BCS standings and ranked higher than at least one AQ conference champion.

-Only one non-AQ team can earn an automatic bid.

-A second non-AQ team can earn an at-large bid.  To be eligible for an at-large bid, a team must have at least 9 wins and must be in the top 14 of the BCS standings.

Right now, both Northern Illinois and Fresno State are ranked higher than UCF and Louisville, one of which will be the AAC conference champion, so whichever team ends up higher will likely get an automatic bid to a BCS bowl.  

In the meantime, War Eagle and, as much as it pains me to say it, go Blue!

Here is a breakdown of the undefeated teams and each team's remaining games (rankings are BCS rankings):

#1 Alabama (11-0)

11/30 – at #4 Auburn (10-1)

12/7 - SEC championship game (Atlanta) – TBD (either #5 Missouri (10-1) or #10 South Carolina (9-2))

Remaining opponents' combined record:  20-2 (.909) or 19-3 (.864)

#2 Florida State (11-0)

11/30 – at Florida (4-7)

12/7 - ACC championship game (Charlotte) – TBD (either #24 Duke (9-2) or Georgia Tech (7-4))

Remaining opponents' combined record:  13-9 (.591) or 11-11 (.500)

#3 Ohio State (11-0)

11/30 – at Michigan (7-4)

12/7 – Big Ten championship game vs. #11 Michigan State (10-1) (Indianapolis)

Remaining opponents' combined record:  17-5 (.773)

#14 Northern Illinois (11-0)

11/26 – Western Michigan (1-10)

12/6 - MAC championship game (Detroit) – TBD (either Bowling Green (8-3) or Buffalo (8-3))

Remaining opponents' combined record:  9-13 (.409)

#16 Fresno State (10-0)

11/29 – at San Jose State (5-6)

12/7 - MWC championship game (at higher-ranked team's stadium) – TBD (either Utah State (7-4) or Boise State (7-4))

Remaining opponents' combined record:  12-10 (.545)

Listen to Hair Band Friday - 11/22/13

28 Greatest Dad Jokes

I am a dad.  It is a dad's duty to make jokes, especially bad ones.  One day I hope to make jokes to my children not unlike those in the following post, entitled "The 28 Greatest Dad Jokes of All-Time."  Thanks to Gregerson for the link.

Retro Video of the Week: "Don't Be Cruel" by Cheap Trick

I forgot to post a Retro Video of the Week yesterday, so please accept this Cheap Trick Elvis cover as my apology.

New Book: I Wear the Black Hat: Grappling With Villains (Real and Imagined) by Chuck Klosterman

I finally finished reading Dream Boogie: The Triumph of Sam Cooke by Peter Guralnick.  It was a very interesting read.  I have always been a fan of Sam Cooke, but I didn't know all that much about his personal life, other than that he died under shady circumstances.  The book painted a conflicting picture of Cooke.  Obviously, he was a great talent, and he was also a voracious reader, a civil rights campaigner, and very generous to his friends and family.  On the other hand, he was a mysterious, quick-tempered philanderer, who seemed to have gotten married only for the sake of getting married to the woman with whom he had a child, and he kept his thoughts and feelings close to the vest.  As for the subject of his death, I was hoping to get a clearer picture of what really happened, but after reading the book, I don't think that is really possible.  What we know is that, after a night of drinking, he picked up a girl (who turned out to be a prostitute and a swindler) and took her to a motel.  While he was in the bathroom, she left and took his clothes (including thousands of dollars in his pockets that was never recovered), except for his suit coat.  She went to a nearby pay phone and called the police, claiming Cooke kidnapped her.  Cooke got out of the bathroom and was livid, so he went to the motel manager's office (wearing only his suit coat), thinking the girl was going to be there.  Instead, the female motel manager was there.  She and Cooke got into an argument about the girl's whereabouts.  The motel manager claimed he attacked her.  She shot him and killed him.  A coroner's jury didn't charge her with anything, deciding that it was a justifiable homicide because she acted in self-defense, although Cooke's lawyers were not given much of an opportunity to cross-examine her or any other witnesses.  Of course, it was later determined that the woman who stole Cooke's clothes had a history of taking men to hotels and stealing their clothes and money while they were in the bathroom, and accounts of Cooke's body at his funeral suggested a struggle greater than what the motel manager testified about, which some have suggested means Cooke was set up to be robbed.  A private investigator hired by Cooke's manager and business partner stopped his investigation at the behest of Cooke's widow.  Thus, unfortunately, the book didn't close any holes about Cooke's death, but that's not the author's fault, since there does not appear to be anything out there to close those holes.

I have now started reading I Wear the Black Hat: Grappling With Villains (Real and Imagined) by Chuck Klosterman.  Klosterman is one of my favorite authors, and it's been a few years since I've read any of his non-fiction work, which I generally find to be very interesting, more so than his fiction (which I think is good too).  So far so good, even if Klosterman admits early on that he no longer hates The Eagles.

Books read in 2013:

The Beatles by Bob Spitz
The Great Gatsby by F. Scott Fitzgerald

Dream Boogie: The Triumph of Sam Cooke by Peter Guralnick

Tuesday Top Ten: American Public Restrooms

It's World Toilet Day, which is apparently a thing.  In case you need to drop a deuce in public, USA Today has gathered a list (with pics) of the nicest public restrooms in the US.  I think I know what my next road trip is going to be.

Undefeated After Week 12

My beloved Hoosiers have now put themselves in a position in which they must shock the world in order to go to a bowl.  The mission is simple:  go to Ohio Stadium and beat the Ohio State Buckeyes on Saturday in front of a national audience.  Tune in to ABC or ESPN2 (depending on your locale) at 3:30 p.m. Eastern on Saturday to watch national title dreams get demolished.

This past weekend, all of the undefeated teams that played won.  Alabama didn't look overly impressive in its 20-7 win over Mississippi State.  Florida State murdered Syracuse, 59-3.  Ohio State pulled away late to a 60-35 victory over lowly Illinois.  Baylor throttled a decent Texas Tech team 63-34 and, as a result, inched closer to Ohio State in the BCS standings.  Northern Illinois beat a feisty Ball State team earlier in the week on the back of Jordan Lynch, quite literally.  Fresno State had a bye week.

This week, Northern Illinois again plays Wednesday night (8 p.m. EST ESPN2), going to 7-3 Toledo, who shouldn't be overlooked, as the Rockets' only three losses have been at Florida, Missouri, and Ball State.  Alabama, Florida State, and Fresno State all have laughers, against Chattanooga, Idaho, and New Mexico, respectively.  Baylor has their biggest remaining challenge, playing #10 Oklahoma State in Stillwater.  And, as discussed above, Ohio State is playing in the ultimate trap game at home against Indiana, who will most certainly score 45 points on the Buckeyes en route to a 45-0 victory.

With Fresno State and Northern Illinois at #15 and #16, respectively, in the BCS standings at the moment, here's a refresher on the rules for non-AQ schools (i.e., schools not from the Big Ten, Big XII, SEC, ACC, Pac-12, or AAC) as far as getting a BCS bowl berth:

-The highest-ranked non-AQ conference champion will receive an automatic BCS bowl berth if it is: (1) ranked in the top 12 of the BCS standings; or (2) ranked in the top 16 of the BCS standings and ranked higher than at least one AQ conference champion.

-Only one non-AQ team can earn an automatic bid.

-A second non-AQ team can earn an at-large bid.  To be eligible for an at-large bid, a team must have at least 9 wins and must be in the top 14 of the BCS standings.

Here is a breakdown of the undefeated teams and each team's remaining games (rankings are BCS rankings):

#1 Alabama (10-0)

11/23 – Chattanooga (FCS) (8-3)

11/30 – at #6 Auburn (10-1)

12/7 - SEC championship game (Atlanta) - TBD

Remaining opponents' combined record:  18-4 (.818)

#2 Florida State (10-0)

11/23 – Idaho (1-9)

11/30 – at Florida (4-6)

12/7 - ACC championship game (Charlotte) - TBD

Remaining opponents' combined record:  5-15 (.250)

#3 Ohio State (10-0)

11/23 – Indiana (4-6)

11/30 – at Michigan (7-3)

12/7 – Big Ten championship game (Indianapolis) - TBD

Remaining opponents' combined record:  11-9 (.550)

#4 Baylor (9-0)

11/23 – at #10 Oklahoma State (9-1)

11/30 – at TCU (4-7)

12/7 – Texas (7-3)

Remaining opponents' combined record:  20-11 (.645)

#15 Fresno State (9-0)

11/23 – New Mexico (3-7)

11/29 – at San Jose State (5-5)

12/7 - MWC championship game (at higher-ranked team's stadium) - TBD

Remaining opponents' combined record:  8-12 (.400)

#16 Northern Illinois (10-0)

11/20 – at Toledo (7-3)

11/26 – Western Michigan (1-10)

12/6 - MAC championship game (Detroit) - TBD

Remaining opponents' combined record:  8-13 (.381)

Midwestern Eavesdropping

Twentysomething female to male friend on train: "You can't seriously say to a kid 'yeah it's okay' 'cause now he has like twice as many goats."

--Chicago, Red Line train

Eavesdropper: GMYH