Tuesday Top Ten: Terrifying Two-Sentence Horror Stories

With the leaves beginning to fall, the temperature dropping, and American Horror Story's season premier tomorrow night, it's beginning to look a lot like Halloween.  A few days ago, I came across this post entitled "9 Of The Most Terrifying Two Sentence Horror Stories Ever Told."  I know what you're thinking:  "GMYH, how can you tell a horror story in two sentences?"  Pretty easily, fair reader.  Read them.  They are pretty damn good.  Because there are only nine in the article, and this is the Tuesday Top Ten, I'll add one more:  College tuition has risen by an average of five percent over the last ten years.  If that keeps up, by the time Daughter is a freshman at IU, it will cost almost $66,000 in tuition alone for an out-of-state resident.

Rocktober Deep Cut E: "So Much for the Afterglow" by Everclear

Unlike "B" and "D," the letter "E" presented me with a relative dearth of well-known rock bands.  I don't know enough about The Eagles' non-hits to give you a deep cut from them.  Plus I hate the fucking Eagles.  I can't name a non-popular song by Europe, Eve 6 isn't well-known enough, and there wasn't anything in the Extreme catalogue that struck my fancy.

Ultimately, I decided on Everclear, which I think was a pretty good rock band.  Between 1995 and 2000, they had three platinum albums, as well as six songs that charted on the Billboard Hot 100 or Hot 100 Airplay charts, including "Santa Monica" (#29, as well as #1 on the Mainstream Rock charts), "Everything to Everyone," "I Will Buy You a New Life," "Father of Mine," and "Wonderful."  Many of the songs centered around lead singer and songwriter Art Alexakis's terrible childhood (which featured his father leaving the family, being sexually abused by older neighborhood children, his brother dying of a heroin overdose when Art was 12, and his 15-year-old girlfriend committing suicide).

I decided to go with the song "So Much For the Afterglow," which is the first track to the band's most successful album, 1997's So Much for the Afterglow.  It starts out with a church-choir-meets-The-Beach-Boys a capella intro for about 40 seconds, and then rips into the rest of the song, which is a nice little fast-paced power pop/rock song that appears to be about a broken relationship with a woman named Susan.

Rocktober Deep Cut D: "Soul Kitchen" by The Doors

The letter "D" presented another dilemma for me, since there are a bunch of great "D" bands, including, but not limited to, Def Leppard, The Darkness, Deep Purple, Derek & the Dominos, Dio, and The Doors.  In the end (pun intended), I decided to go with The Doors for no real reason, other than the fact that they have a lot of great deep cuts.  The song I am going with is "Soul Kitchen," which is the second track off of the band's 1967 self-titled debut album.  There is not a bad song on the entire album, although "Light My Fire" and "Break On Through (To The Other Side)" are the ones that get a ton of airplay, and, of course, "The End" is a legendary 11-minute Oedipal nightmare of a song that was later given new life in Apocalypse Now.  You might even see "Crystal Ship," "Alabama Song," or "Twentieth Century Fox" on a greatest hits album here or there. 

Yet somehow fame and airplay have eluded "Soul Kitchen," and I'm not sure why because it's a great song (and probably my favorite song off of the debut album).  The song was apparently inspired by a soul food restaurant in Venice Beach that Jim Morrison frequented.  It starts off with a catchy organ riff by Ray Manzarek (not unlike the organ riff in "When The Music's Over") and that repeats throughout the song, and a meandering guitar line from Robby Krieger.  The verses are kind of low-key, with the aforementioned organ riff and a James Brown-esque jangly guitar.  But then, everyone turns up the energy for the chorus.  As the band bashes away on their respective instruments, Morrison belts out: "Let me sleep all night in your soul kitchen / Warm my mind near your gentle stove / Turn me out and I'll wander baby / Stumblin' in the neon groves."  I had always assumed this song was about sex (or at least a giant vagina), but I guess it's actually about a soul kitchen.

And We'll Never Be Orioles

It's baseball playoff time, so you know I'm going to drop statistical knowledge on you when I get the urge.  I got the urge last night.  When I woke up this morning, it was still there, burning deep inside me like a stubborn bout of chlamydia.  

Long Time Coming

As you may know, the Royals and the Orioles are playing in the ALCS, which I think is awesome because it's nice to see teams other than the Yankees, Red Sox, Rangers, and Tigers playing in the ALCS.  The last time the Royals played in the ALCS was 1985, when they won the World Series.  The last time the Orioles played in the ALCS was 1997, and their last World Series win came in 1983.

That means it has been 29 years since the Royals won a Worlds Series and 31 since the Orioles won.  Since the MLB began playing the League Championship Series in 1969, this is only the fourth time that two teams will be playing in the ALCS or NLCS where both teams have not won a World Series in at least 25 years.  Here is each time it has happened, with the number of years since the last World Series title in parentheses. (Note that for expansion teams, I calculated the year they entered the MLB as their first year of not winning a World Series, so, for instance, although the Mets had technically never won a title in their first NLCS appearance in 1969, they were only around for 7 years at that point, so they would not be included on the list):

2014 ALCS:  Royals (29), Orioles (31)

2011 ALCS:  Tigers (27), Rangers (50 (never))

1989 NLCS:  Giants (35), Cubs (81)

1986 ALCS:  Angels (25 (never)), Red Sox (68)

AL Central Dominance

With their sweep of the Angels, the Royals become the fifth AL Central team to make it to the ALCS since 2002, making the AL Central the only division in baseball in which all five teams have played in the LCS since 2000 while being a member of the division (the Astros made the NLCS as a member of the NL Central, but have not made the ALCS since moving to the AL West last year).  If the Nationals can pull off an improbable comeback and with the next three games against the Giants, then the NL East would join the same club. 

Here are the MLB divisions and each team's LCS appearances since 2000:

AL Central

Chicago White Sox:  2005

Cleveland Indians:  2007

Detroit Tigers:  2006, 2011-2013

Kansas City Royals:  2014

Minnesota Twins:  2002

AL East

Baltimore Orioles:  2014

Boston Red Sox:  2003-2004, 2007-2008, 2013

New York Yankees:  2000-2001, 2003-2004, 2009-2010, 2012

Tampa Bay Rays:  2008

Toronto Blue Jays:  none

AL West

Houston Astros:  none as member of AL West

Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim:  2002, 2005, 2009

Oakland Athletics:  2006

Seattle Mariners:  2000-2001

Texas Rangers:  2010-2011

NL Central

Chicago Cubs:  2003

Cincinnati Reds:  none

Houston Astros:  2004-2005

Milwaukee Brewers:  2011

Pittsburgh Pirates:  none

St. Louis Cardinals:  2000, 2002, 2004-2006, 2011-2013

NL East

Atlanta Braves:  2001

Miami Marlins:  2003

New York Mets:  2000, 2006

Philadelphia Phillies:  2008, 2010

Washington Nationals/Montreal Expos:  none

NL West

Arizona Diamondbacks:  2001, 2007

Colorado Rockies:  2007

Los Angeles Dodgers:  2008-2009, 2013

San Diego Padres:  none

San Francisco Giants:  2002, 2010, 2012

MLB Parity

Amazingly, since the 2000 season, only 5 of the 30 MLB teams have not advanced to an LCS.  In that span (starting with the 1999-2000 season for the other sports), that is the lowest percentage of franchises in the four major sports leagues that has failed to make it to the conference championship game.  Here's how the four major sports leagues stack up in that respect (with the percentage of teams that haven't made a conference championship and the list of the teams for each league):

1.  MLB:  16.7%  (5 of 30 – Cincinnati, Pittsburgh, San Diego, Toronto, Washington)

2.  NHL:  20% (6 of 30 - Columbus, Florida, Nashville, New York Islanders, Washington, Winnipeg/Atlanta)

3.  NBA:  26.7% (8 of 30 - Atlanta, Charlotte, Golden State, Houston, Los Angeles Clippers, New Orleans, Toronto, Washington)

4.  NFL:  28.1% (9 of 32 - Buffalo, Cincinnati, Cleveland, Dallas, Detroit, Houston, Kansas City, Miami, Washington)

Rocktober Deep Cut C: "Take Me Back" by Cinderella

It's the first Hair Band Friday of Rocktober 2014, and we are met with "C" in our alphabetical deep cut journey.  There is only one band I could possibly use:  Cinderella.  A little more blues-based than most of their Sunset Strip counterparts, Cinderella had eight songs that cracked the Billboard Hot 100 between 1986 and 1991, five of which made the Top 40.  My favorite Cinderella song that didn't chart is "Take Me Back" off of 1988's Long Cold Winter.  It starts off with a cow bell, which is always a good sign, followed by a nice steel guitar riff, before Tom Keifer kicks in with his typical wailing vocals.  It's a catchy rock and roll song, and a great way to end the first week of Rocktober.  Side note:  if you have the chance to see Cinderella in concert, do it.

Listen to Hair Band Friday - 10/3/14

Rocktober Deep Cut B: "The Wizard" by Black Sabbath

The letter "B" presented some tough decisions with my little Rocktober deep cut experiment because of the many great "B" artists.  The logical choice would be The Beatles, but frankly, there were so many great choices that I didn't even want to attempt to narrow the list down to one.  And then there's also The Band, Beck, Beastie Boys, The Beach Boys, The Black Keys, Black Sabbath, The Black Crowes, Blue Oyster Cult, Bon Jovi, Boston, and Bad Company to name a few.  Since it's Rocktober, I decided to go with Black Sabbath because they arguably rock the hardest of all the aforementioned artists.

But what Black Sabbath song to go with?  Ozzy era?  Dio era?  There are many great options in both eras that don't get much airplay, but at the end of the day, I decided to go with "The Wizard," the second track off of the band's self-title debut album.  After the listener is shocked and terrified by the devil's triad, ghostly visions, and Satanic imagery on first track off the album, the gloomy and aptly named "Black Sabbath," "The Wizard" draws you in with its eerie harmonica siren call, before kicking in with a monster guitar and harmonica riff that repeats throughout the song.  

The song was written by all four band members, and each is an integral part of the execution.  Ozzy does his best Sonny Boy Williamson impression (the original or Rice Miller) with his harp blowing, Tony Iommi provides his usually awesome guitar work, and the rhythm section of Geezer Butler and Bill Ward provide the bottom (with Ward's drum work being particularly good).

The lyrics are about, well, a wizard who walks through a town casting spells on everyone to keep them happy.  The song is allegedly inspired by both a drug dealer and by Gandalf, although listening to the lyrics, the former probably makes more sense.  Either way, it's a badass song.  I'd put it up there with any Ozzy-era Sabbath song, but for one reason or another, it's not recognized alongside songs like "Iron Man," "Paranoid," "Sabbath Bloody Sabbath," "War Pigs," and "Black Sabbath."

When you're listening to this song, I want you to remember the fact that this was released within two months of Van Morrison's Moondance, Elton John's debut album, Déjà Vu by Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young, and Simon & Garfunkel's Bridge Over Troubled Water.  Heavy metal music is kind of taken for granted now, but this was the first real heavy metal album, and it was truly a departure from just about everything else that was popular at that time.

Rocktober Deep Cut A: "No More No More" by Aerosmith

1975's Toys in the Attic is perhaps Aerosmith's best album of the '70s, if not ever, featuring two of Aerosmith's most famous songs, "Sweet Emotion" and "Walk This Way," as well as the title track and the innuendo-laden cover of "Big Ten Inch Record," all of which you're going to hear on classic rock radio with some regularity (more so with respect to the first two songs, of course). Overshadowed by those four songs is track 7 off of the album, "No More No More," which, for some reason you rarely, if ever, hear on the radio.  I think that's a damn shame, but then again, I suppose you can't play every Aerosmith song regularly, or else your entire radio station would be devoted to Aerosmith.  "No More No More" is a great rock song lamenting life and temptation on the road as a rock star.  Joe Perry has a nice little solo near the end of the song, and Steven Tyler's vocals are perfectly strained, as they often are.  Maybe it's just me, but when I hear this song, I can hear a lot of hair band songs from ten years later, especially by bands who employed that kind of honky-tonk hair metal, like Cinderella and Great White.

Retro Video of the Week: "The Bad Touch" by Bloodhound Gang

This week marks the 15th anniversary of the release of Bloodhound Gang's seminal (?) album, Hooray for Boobies.  Of course, the most famous song from that album is "The Bad Touch," which managed to make it up to #52 on the Billboard Hot 100 despite its blatant sexual subject matter.  It also hit #1 on the Billboard Hot Dance Club Songs and Hot Dance Music charts (not sure why there are two different dance music charts) and UK Dance chart, #6 on the Billboard Hot Modern Rock Tracks chart (it has to be one of the few songs that was top 10 on both the dance charts and modern rock charts), and #1 on the pop charts in seven European countries.  The video is everything you'd expect from a song with the lyric "You and me, baby, ain't nothing but mammals / So let's do it like they do on the Discovery Channel."

Rocktober 2014

Rocktober is upon us.  Rejoice!  I'm sure I don't need to tell you, since you are a living, breathing creature capable of elementary observation and emotion, but October is the greatest month of the year.  For several years, I reviewed a rock album every day in October, but that got too time-consuming with children, work, and my parkour club, so in 2012, I posted a rock video each day, and last year, I posted videos featuring live music. 

This year, I'm switching it up again.  Each weekday this month (that I'm in the office), I'll be posting and discussing a "deep cut" song by a different artist, meaning a song by a relatively famous artist that (1) you're not likely going to hear on the radio, (2) didn't chart on the Billboard Hot 100, and (3) isn't on an artist's greatest hits album and/or isn't considered a signature song by the artist.  For instance, I'm not going to play "Master of Puppets" by Metallica, even though you barely ever hear it on the radio and it didn't chart, because it's one of Metallica's signature songs.  These will be songs that a casual fan of the artist probably won't know.  The goal is to help people discover songs other than an artist's most famous songs.

Also, to keep myself on edge, I'm going to be doing this in alphabetical order by band name.  Yes, I realize I won't be getting past "W," based on the number of business days in October, but it'll still be a zesty exercise in musical agility.  I have no idea what that means.

As in Rocktobers past, there are no set genres I'm going to use, but the music must generally rock, whether it's metal, hard rock, classic rock, grunge, punk, garage rock, or any other genre or song that rocks. I'll try my damnedest not to overlap with anything I've posted in Rocktobers past, although that may be difficult given the breadth of previous years' posts.

Fridays will, as always, feature songs by hair bands because Friday without the Hair Band is like Road House without Dalton. As always, the week of Halloween will feature songs that have evil or dark themes. Rest assured, everything song featured will, in fact, rock.  Because I like to challenge myself, unlike the last two years, the Retro Video of the Week will be not suspended during Rocktober.

Get ready, people.