BTD, CW, and BTSOS

I don't have much to say today, except that Bluff The Donkey has been updated and is totally hilarious as always.

Also, because you care about my Championship Week prediction abilities, I am updating my predictions as the results come in, marking correct predictions in green and incorrect predictions in red, with the tournament winner (if the tournament has concluded) in parentheses after my incorrect prediction. Enjoy.

Also, now that the Big Ten regular season is over, here are the final strength-of-schedule stats, updating my post from a couple days ago (order is from weakest schedule to strongest). As you can see, Purdue and Illinois suck equally:
1. Purdue (Ill, MSU, Iowa, Wisc) = 39-25 (final record: 9-7)
1. Illinois (OSU, Wisc, Pur, PSU) = 39-25 (final record: 9-7)
3. Wisconsin (IU, Ill, Mich, Pur) = 36-28 (final record: 13-3)
4. Minnesota (OSU, MSU, IU, PSU) = 35-29 (final record: 3-13)
4. Northwestern (IU, Iowa, Mich, MSU) = 35-29 (final record: 2-14)
6. Iowa (OSU, Pur, Mich, NW) = 34-30 (final record: 9-7)
7. Indiana (OSU, Wisc, Minn, NW) = 33-31 (final record: 10-6)
8. Ohio State (IU, Ill, Iowa, Minn) = 31-33 (final record: 15-1)
9. Penn State (Ill, MSU, Mich, Minn) = 28-36 (final record: 2-14)
10. Michigan (Wisc, Iowa, PSU, NW) = 26-38 (final record: 8-8)
11. Michigan State (Pur, Minn, NW, PSU) = 16-48 (final record: 8-8)

God Loves a Terrier, and So Do Gunmen

This morning I came across a news article about two gunmen who dognapped four Yorkshire Terrier puppies and a full-grown one as well, from a Los Angeles home after posing as prospective buyers. A few things concern me about this:

1. Yorkies are hideous, bearing a strong resemblance to what I assume an inbred dwarf Ewok might look like. At least kidnap a cute dog.
2. People who want to buy Yorkies don't carry guns. Thus, you should not let someone with a gun into your house if they are inquiring about your Yorkie puppies. Get a clue lady.
3. The gunmen stuffed the dogs in a plastic garbage bag. Actually this doesn't concern me, but I thought it was a funny thing to do, since I assume it can only have a negative effect on the street value and psychological condition of the dogs.
4. Despite the $10,000 value of the 4 puppies and the fact that they are probably not being fed Eukanuba as we speak, the owner of the dogs said that she was most concerned about her full-grown dog (which was apparently her real pet), stating, "I just want to find my dog, that's it." Something's fishy about this. I don't know about you, but I wouldn't be surprised if Jennifer Wilbanks was somehow involved.
5. There is no reason that this story merits inclusion on the Yahoo homepage under the "In the News" section, especially during Championship Week. What's next, a story about Swiss troups accidentally invading Lichtenstein?

In Like a Lion Indeed

Fuck early March in Chicago. The one day I go out for lunch is the day it's snowing sideways at a 25-30 mph clip, smacking me in the face as if to say, "I disrespect you immensely, and I do not value your feelings." The lamb at the end of March better be extra succulent to make up for this.

Did anyone else see last night's 30 Rock? Absolutely hilarious. I laughed out loud at several junctures.

I know some of you were happy that I stopped the daily recounting of my horribly demented dreams, but that doesn't mean I'm going to stop sharing my dreams with you all together. This one I had last night is just way too random for me to let slide. For most of you, it will bear no significance, but for anyone who was a Pi Kapp at IU during the 1996-97 school year (and particularly you Sigma class members out there), it will possibly crack you up. Here it is:

So there I was, sitting with Ball at what I think was Bonnaroo, although it was at the Cossitt Elementary School playground instead of Manchester, Tennessee. We were enjoying ourselves when some guy comes up to us and asks, "Are your names Chris and Andrew? Were you guys Sigmas?" Of course we responded "Yes." The dude then says, "So was I. Can you guess who I am?" It obviously wasn't someone who got initiated, since we would have recognized all of them right off the bat. Ruling out Nick Panetta and Greg Weir immediately (since they never even showed up to the first meeting and therefore would not consider themselves Sigmas), Chris and I ran through guys in our class who never got initiated. It wasn't Paul Stokes, Jake Townsend, or JJ Imel, which left with one choice. "Jon Saxe?" I asked. "Hell yeah," he responded. He then asked us to help him with something (although he did not explain what), and Chris and I obviously agreed. We went with him back to his apartment, which was right there on Madison across from the playground. In the basement of his apartment was a Nautilus machine in a room full of mirrors (and some nicely concealed closets). Jon explained to us that he was now a UFC fighter, and his girlfriend would come over all the time to use his gym, even when he wasn't there. While doing some seated rows, Jon explained that he feared his girlfriend was cheating on him and bringing her paramour to Jon's gym, but the cameras he set up were not providing him with enough clarity for the situation. Thus, while he was out running some errands, he wanted Chris and me to perform amateur surveillance by hiding in one of the gym's closets during the time his girlfriend was supposed to be there. For some reason Chris and I were skeptical about the whole thing. I'm not even kidding, but in the dream in my head I was thinking, "I wonder if he's on shrooms right now. Should I trust a word he's saying?" After he left, Chris and I went back to the concert rather than stake out Saxe's workout room. We were supposed to meet some people along Harris Avenue before we went back into the concert, including my brother Reed. For some reason, Reed brought with him an animal that resembled a hybrid of a fox and an ocelot. It was not pleasant, and it did not like any of us, including Reed. I tried to play with it, but all it wanted to do was bit me. We hopped the chain link fence in an attempt to escape it, but that little foxelot jumped the fence as well, chasing us back up to where the stage was. It was one of the few times in a dream where I have been able to run at a regular speed. Luckily there was a bouncer there who prevented the foxelot from advancing any further.

I should note that I have not seen Jon Saxe in approximately nine years, although I was very upset that my dream did not feature any Saxe-isms, such as "brickeater." I can't remember any other Saxe-isms at the present time. Wee Wee (or others), can you remember any others?

Speaking of basketball, there has been a lot of talk (read: very little talk) about which Big Ten teams had the easiest conference schedule. As you may or may not know, the Big Ten plays a 16-game schedule, which means that each team plays 6 teams twice and 4 teams only once. So, for instance, this year IU only played Ohio State and Northwestern on the road and only played Wisconsin and Minnesota at home. As a result of this imbalanced method of scheduling, some teams play a much easier schedule than others. According to ESPN.com's Drive to 65 (formerly the Bubble Watch), Illinois fans were whining (surprise) about something the Drive said a few days ago about the difference in toughness of schedule between Illinois and Purdue. I did some crack research, and it turns out that Purdue does in fact have the weakest Big Ten schedule, followed closely by Illinois. Below is the breakdown, given the current standings, of the combined Big Ten record of the teams that each Big Ten team didn't play twice, with the teams not played twice in parentheses. Obviously, the better the combined record of the teams not played, the weaker the schedule. The order is weakest schedule to strongest:

1. Purdue (Ill, MSU, Iowa, Wisc) = 37-23
2. Illinois (OSU, Wisc, Pur, PSU) = 36-24
3. Wisconsin (IU, Ill, Mich, Pur) = 34-26
4. Minnesota (OSU, MSU, IU, PSU) = 33-27
4. Northwestern (IU, Iowa, Mich, MSU) = 33-27
6. Iowa (OSU, Pur, Mich, NW) = 32-28
7. Indiana (OSU, Wisc, Minn, NW) = 31-30
8. Ohio State (IU, Ill, Iowa, Minn) = 29-32
9. Penn State (Ill, MSU, Mich, Minn) = 28-33
10. Michigan (Wisc, Iowa, PSU, NW) = 24-36
11. Michigan State (Pur, Minn, NW, PSU) = 15-46

Big Ten Seeding Scenarios

Since I am mildly retarded and sexually excited when it comes to these kinds of things, and since I know so many of you care about the possible seeding for the Big Ten Tournament, I have prepared some scenarios. (Apologies to Holt, Miller Time, Jamie, Christoff, and Tradd who have already seen this.)

Essentially, if IU beats Penn State on Saturday it is guaranteed the 3 seed. These scenarios are built around IU's fate, so they are not exhaustive.

Most Likely Scenario
Here are the remaining games for Big Ten teams not named Ohio State and Wisconsin, with the most likely results:
IU (9-6): PSU (w) = 10-6
Ill (9-6): at Iowa (l) = 9-7
Iowa (8-7): Ill (w) = 9-7
MSU (8-7): at Wisc (l) = 8-8
Mich (8-7): OSU (l) = 8-8
Pur (8-7): NW (w) = 9-7
Minn (3-13)
NW (2-13): at Pur (l) = 2-14
PSU (2-13): at IU (l) = 2-14

Here would be the seeds if those predicted wins and losses hold true:
1. OSU (clinched)
2. Wisc (clinched)
3. IU (10-6)
4. Iowa (9-7) (2-1 vs. Ill & Pur)
5. Pur (9-7) (1-1 vs. Iowa & Ill)
6. Ill (9-7) (1-2 vs. Iowa & Pur)
7. MSU (8-8) (both MSU and Mich will be 0-2 vs. OSU, but MSU has beaten Wisc, while Mich has not)
8. Mich (8-8)
9. Minn
10. NW
11. PSU (both PSU and NW are 0-2 vs. OSU and Wisc, but PSU is 0-2 vs. IU, while NW is only 0-1)

Iowa and Purdue would play in the 4/5 game, IU would play the winner of Illinois/PSU, Wisconsin would play the winner of MSU/NW, and OSU would play the winner of Mich/Minn.

Fairly Likely Scenario
If Illinois beats Iowa (but all other games go as predicted above), here would be the seeds:
1. OSU (clinched)
2. Wisc (clinched)
3. IU (10-6) (IU and Ill are both 0-1 vs. OSU, but IU is 1-0 vs. Wisc, while Ill is 0-1)
4. Ill (10-6)
5. Pur (9-7)
6. Iowa (8-8) (2-1 vs. MSU & Mich)
7. MSU (8-8) (2-2 vs. Iowa & Mich)
8. Mich (8-8) (1-2 vs. Iowa & MSU)
9. Minn
10. NW
11. PSU

Here, Illinois and Purdue would be in the 4/5 game, probably resulting in a lot of whining and possibly some soft kissing between Bruce Weber and Matt Painter. IU would play the winner of Iowa/PSU, Wisconsin would play the winner of MSU/NW, and OSU would play the winner of Mich/Minn. I like this scenario because it means that either Illinois or Purdue will be guaranteed to be one and done.

Doomsday Scenario
The Doomsday Scenario is what will happen if IU loses to PSU, Iowa beats Illinois, MSU and Mich win Saturday, and Purdue beats NW, resulting in a 6-way tie for 3rd at 9-7.
1. OSU (clinched)
2. Wisc (clinched)
3. Iowa (9-7) (5-3 record vs other 5)
4. Pur (9-7) (4-3 record vs other 5)
5. IU (9-7) (5-5 record vs other 5)
6. Mich (9-7) (4-5 record vs other 5, with 1-1 record vs OSU)
7. Ill (9-7) (4-5 record vs other 5, with 0-1 record vs OSU)
8. MSU (9-7) (4-5 record vs other 5, with 0-2 record vs OSU)
9. Minn
10. PSU
11. NW

Under the Doomsday Scenario, PSU and NW flip, and Minn holds the tiebreaker over PSU for the coveted 9th spot. IU would play Purdue in the 4/5 game, OSU would play the winner of MSU/Minn, Wisconsin would play the winner of Ill/PSU, and Iowa would play the winner of Mich/NW.

Modified Doomsday Scenario
Under this scenario, Iowa beats Ill, IU loses to PSU, and Purdue beats NW, resulting in a 4-way tie for 3rd at 9-7 between IU, Illinois, Iowa, and Purdue.
1. OSU (clinched)
2. Wisc (clinched)
3. Iowa (9-7) (3-2 record vs other 3)
4. IU (9-7) (3-3 record vs other 3, but IU is 0-1 vs. OSU and Purdue is 0-2)
5. Pur (9-7) (2-2 record vs other 3)
6. Ill (9-7) (2-3 record vs other 3)
7. MSU (8-8)
8. Mich (8-8)
9. Minn
10. PSU
11. NW

Here, IU would play Purdue in the 4/5 game, resulting in bloodshed. Iowa would play the winner of Ill/NW, Wisc would play the winner of MSU/PSU (or, as I would call it, the Land Grant Game), and OSU would play the winner of Mich/Minn.

Worse Than Doomsday Scenario
Here's what will come about if Ill beats Iowa, IU loses to PSU, and all the other 8-7 teams win.
1. OSU (clinched)
2. Wisc (clinched)
3. Ill (10-6)
4. Pur (9-7) (3-2 record vs other 3)
5. Mich (9-7) (3-3 record vs other 3, but will have 1-1 record vs. OSU)
6. IU (9-7) (3-3 record vs other 3, with 0-1 record vs OSU)
7. MSU (9-7) (2-3 record vs other 3)
8. Iowa (8-8)
9. Minn
10. PSU
11. NW

Under this terrible scenario, IU would get the lowest possible seed it can get. Purdue and Michigan would play in the 4/5 game, Illinois would play the winner of the IU/NW game, Wisc would play the winner of the Land Grant Game, and OSU would play the winner of the Iowa/Minn game. If this happens, I will kill Holt.

Championship Week Predictions and Such

Midwestern Eavesdropping will be postponed until next week. To prevent this in the future, submit more eavesdroppings.

With the vaunted Championship Week (even though it's really two weeks) upon us, I feel that it's time for me to make some conference tournament predictions:

ACC (Tampa, March 8-11): North Carolina
America East (Boston (with championship at highest remaining seed) March 2-4, 10): Vermont (Albany)
Atlantic Sun (Johnson City, TN March 1-3): Belmont
Atlantic 10 (Atlantic City, N.J. March 7-10): UMass (George Washington)
Big East (New York March 7-10): Georgetown
Big Sky (Campus sites (higher seeds) March 3, 6-7): Northern Arizona (Weber State)
Big South (Campus sites (higher seeds) Feb. 27-March 3): Winthrop
Big Ten (Chicago March 8-11): Wisconsin
Big 12 (Oklahoma City March 8-11): Texas
Big West (Anaheim, March 7-10): Long Beach State
Colonial (Richmond, Va. March 2-5): Hofstra (Virginia Commonwealth)
Conference USA (Memphis March 7-10): Memphis
Horizon (Campus sites (higher seeds) Feb. 27, March 2-3, 6): Butler (Wright State)
MAAC (Bridgeport, Conn. March 2-5): Marist (Niagara)
MAC (Cleveland March 7-10): Akron (Miami, OH)
MEAC (Raleigh, N.C. March 6-10): Florida A&M (because everyone's gonna pick Delaware State)
Mid Continent (Tulsa, Okla. March 3-6): Oral Roberts
Missouri Valley (St. Louis March 1-4): Southern Illinois (Creighton)
Mountain West (Las Vegas March 6-10): Air Force (UNLV)
Northeast (Campus sites (higher seeds) March 1, 4, 7): Central Connecticut State
Ohio Valley (Nashville Feb. 27, March 2-3): Austin Peay (Eastern Kentucky)
Pac-10 (LA March 7-10): Washington State (Oregon)
Patriot (Campus sites (higher seeds) Feb. 28, March 4, 9): Holy Cross
SEC (Atlanta March 8-11): Florida (by the way, the fact that a .500 record is going to win the SEC West just proves how unbelievably weak the SEC is)
Southern (Charleston, S.C. Feb. 28, March 1-3): Davidson
Southland (Houston March 8-11): Texas A&M-Corpus Christi
Sun Belt (Lafayette, La. Feb. 28, March 4-6): Western Kentucky (Middle Tennessee State)
SWAC (Birmingham, Al. March 7-10): Jackson State
WAC (Las Cruces, N.M. March 6-10): New Mexico State
West Coast (Portland, Ore. March 2-5): Santa Clara (Gonzaga)

I think I'm beginning to come down with a case of the Madness. Dare I say the only cure is college basketball every day and night for the next 10 days.

Speaking of college basketball, I thought the following quotes were pretty funny. They come from Northwestern guard Tim Doyle, who played his last home game last night against IU. I can't tell if he's funny or just completely smug and cocky. The first is from before yesterday's game with the Daily Northwestern: "In three weeks, no one's going to care that I suited up for Northwestern or that I had 26 against Purdue or 15 against Oden. My next step is going to be putting on a suit and tie and going into an office and I'm just going to be a tall guy in an office … (So) I'm going to appreciate this last moment stepping on Welsh-Ryan. . . . I go into every game knowing I'm going to play 39 minutes. And I know this is it. I mean, the next time I'm playing organized basketball I'm going to have a t-shirt (with) a bar name on it. I think I'm just appreciating the moment right now."

In the recap of the game in today's Tribune, Doyle said, "Twenty years from now, I'll sit back and say, 'It would have been a nice win.' When I'm living in Winnetka in a big house and have kids and making a lot of money—there's a bigger picture than the game." For those of you who don't know, Winnetka is the prototypical obscenely wealthy suburb, home to massive houses, CEOs, New Trier High School (probably one of the top 5 public high schools in the US), and a certain air of snobbery. The fact that he said Winnetka is very different than if he would have said Evanston, Naperville, St. Charles, or even Lake Forest. Oh, and the fact that he said "big house" and "making a lot of money" was a nice touch. He might as well have said, "and fucking your wife because I am infinitely better than you in every possible way." Well done, Mr. Doyle.

Gruesome Sports Injuries and Such

Today was fairly pedestrian, but at the same time unlike any other day before it. This morning I received word that "We're Giving It to Charity" (Charity being the name of our favorite waitress at Rocks) finished tied for 2nd last night in trivia at Rocks. However, in the tiebreaker the lost on the question "Name the original four members of REM." Fuck that. So the team that beat them in the tiebreaker chose Zombie Movies for next week's category. For the love of George Romero, that's gonna be a tough category.

In the wake of Wisconsin center Brian Butch's Joe-Theismann-esque elbow dislocation, a lot has been made of gruesome sports injuries. Thankfully, Jimmy Traina of SI.com gathered YouTube links to all of your favorite sports injuries, from the aforementioned classic Theismann leg break to Villanova guard Allen Ray getting his eye poked out, literally. In theory, these horribly painful injuries should gross me out, but no matter how much I want to look away, I cannot. Plus, it's not like it's my compound leg fracture. I find myself grunting and saying, "oohhhhohhoooohhhh" with a smirk on my face and telling Jessie to "check this shit out." Thanks to Christoff for sending me the link.

This evening, Jester and I traveled up to Evanston for the IU/Northwestern game, which was at worst a neutral court game for the Hoosiers, since nearly half the crowd was cheering for IU. It was also a mini-reunion. In addition to sitting with Tradd and Chambers, I saw probably another 30 people I knew from undergrad. That was actually more enjoyable than the game, which the Hoosiers tried their damnedest to lose, but luckily held on for a 69-65 win. At this point, I'll take a road victory any way I can get it. Kudos to Roderick Wilmont for hitting 9 3s, scoring 31 points and grabbing 12 boards. I think IU might have actually fared better if it had been just Wilmont on the floor against the nameless, pasty Wildcats. The win takes the Hoosiers to 9-6 in the Big Ten -- holy shit! Acie Law just hit a phenomenal clutch rainbow 3 for Texas A&M over Kevin Durant to tie Texas at 78 all with 1.4 seconds left -- which means that if IU beats Penn State at home on Saturday, the Hoosiers get the #3 seed in the Big Ten tournament and 20 regular season wins, which I think is pretty solid for Kelvin Sampson's first year. Hopefully DJ White will stay for his senior year. A starting lineup of White, Eric Gordon, AJ Ratliff, Armon Bassett, and perhaps Eli Holman or Brandon McGee would be pretty nice.

In somewhat related news, the greatest sports month of the year begins this week with Championship Week. Ahhhh, I love watching low and mid-major college basketball conference tournaments so much more than, say, the ACC tournament. Good times. Mark my words, Winthrop is the real deal.

D-Town

Hi everyone. I missed you.

The weekend was delightful. It started out rather dreadfully, as several of us went to Gregerson's pad Thursday night for the final The OC. Pizza was consumed. Tears were shed. Ryan Atwood did not kill anyone.

Friday was nothing short of haphazard. The day began with a Halcion and a three-mile swim in the North Branch of the Chicago River. With several hours still to go until breakfast, I recited the lyrics to "N.I.B." by Black Sabbath over and over again.

Shortly after 3pm, Jester, Christoff, and I left via motorcar for Dayton, Ohio. The drive was marked by periods of lucidity, half-hearted puns (it turns out that you can't win a Mac by taking Exit 220 on I-65 -- the Winamac exit), and G N' F'n R (it was Hair Band Friday after all). Jessie reinforced her status as the world's best backseat driver. Her skills were so apparent that Christoff bet her $30 that on the drive home she could not utter 7 or fewer complaints or cautions (more about that later). We arrived in Dayton unscathed at approximately 9:12pm local time. I'm just going to warn you, I'm going to be name dropping like you don't even know.

Upon our arrival in the Gem City (seriously, that's Dayton's nickname -- I have no idea why), we headed to the hizzie of Holt "Gimme Some" Hedrick. Within 40 minutes, Katie "Got Me a Retarded Dog" Miltner (who lives in the same apartment building) joined us in Holt's apartment, bringing with her exactly 2 bottles of Budweiser Select. Her motives are still unclear.

From there, we went to the Oregon District (the OD), particularly the Oregon Express (the OE), where we enjoyed both draft and bottled beer, as well as some pizza. This would not be the last time we had pizza this weekend. Bored with each other's company, we headed down 5th Street to the Trolley Stop, where some band comprised of Real Art employees was playing, so Jessie chatted with some Real Arters. Meanwhile, Nick "Not the Bird-Headed Freak that Used to Play For Illinois" Smith and his ladyfriend Andrea "Copy Girl" Livingston showed up and helped us break up the monotony. It was particularly vindicating for me, since when I had left Dayton, Nick was banned from the Trolley Stop because his friend's girlfriend dumped a beer on a bouncer and he was guilty by association. Within hours, Dan "Piss and" Binegar showed up, fresh from Argosy with a fatty wad of dirty money. It came as no surprise that he was able to purchase a round of light beers after last call. Victory never tasted so sweet.

Upon our return to Holt's place, Katie brought her retarded dog down, apparently for the sole purpose of amusing everyone else. I swear that I have never seen a Golden Retriever with a larger head or a more excitable/bull-in-a-china-shop demeanor than Indy. Needless to say, this prompted me to speak for Indy in a specially educated voice, much to the delight of Christoff and Holt, and the dismay of Jessie and Katie.

Saturday brought about winds of change, as the five of us headed to Kramers for pizza a little after noon to break our fast. Joining us at Kramers were: Binegar, Jamie "Agent Labatt" Belanger, Amy "Clalahan" Belanger, AC Belanger, Kim "Turd Burger" Mayo, Casey "Poopsicle" Mayo, NaviKate Rohrer, Mike "Still Hates Milk" Ullmer, Mark "Your Welcome for the Trade that Gave You the Fantasy Football Title" Sedor, and his ladyfriend Ronnie (as in Bennett/Spector, not as in Van Zant). For those of you who have never been to Kramers, it has perhaps the greatest pizza in the world. And they serve 40s, which is nice. This would not be the last time I had pizza this weekend. While there, Marist pulled off an overtime victory over Siena. I was the only one paying attention.

NaviKate was wearing a delightful zip-up hoodie with the word KERN on it. We figured it was a band, but it turns out it's a reference to the space between letters. It also turns out that graphic designers are NERDS. The she explained the difference between serif and sans serif. I'm not kidding.

The remainder of the afternoon was spent sitting on Holt's couch watching Passenger 57. Man was that limey bastard Rane a smarmy, lion-maned SOB. He deserved to be pushed from the very plane he hijacked. If only he had listened when Cutter said "Always bet on black," then maybe he might not have been so fucking smug.

Saturday night can only be described as a comedy of errors. We all went to the Fox & Hound by Fairfield Commons to watch the IU/MSU game. It was the five of us, Jamie, Marc "Tron" Wiescinski (who was spending his last night in SW Ohio), John "$2 Dolla" Ashcraft, and some guy named Brian, who I'm convinced Marc just brought along for intimidation purposes. All was going well until the satellite went out about 15 minutes before gametime. The waitress was surprisingly accepting when we told her to cancel the food we had just ordered because we were going to an establishment that actually carried a reliable ESPN signal. We headed to Cadillac Jack's, who we had called and who had assured us that they were getting ESPN. They were correct, at least at the time. I had my 3rd pizza of the weekend. Binegar showed up, after pulling a 360 on I-675 on the way there. With about 3 minutes left in the 1st half, Cadillac Jack's's satellite went out. Sweet.

We all headed back to Holt's for the remainder of what passed for a college basketball game. Nick and Andrea showed up, and then most of us headed to J. Alan's for some cordials and apertifs and light beers. Playing at J. Alan's, or Jalans, as I call it, was some sort of Johnny Cash cover band. They also had Silver Strike, so that was cool. I didn't eat any pizza while there.

After Jalans, we went back to Holt's apartment and played Trivial Pursuit Pop Culture DVD edition, which I have to say is stupid. The questions were either far too easy or far too hard. And what's with being able to steal a pie? I'm not impressed. I went to bed fuming.

Sunday morning, the five of us hit First Watch in Kettering, along with Kate and Mike, for some standard breakfast fare. I did not have any pizza while at First Watch, mainly because it was not an option. Interestingly, talking like a Golden Retriever with Down Syndrome is frowned upon in restaurants, even though it's completely appropriate to accuse Holt of having acquired immune deficiency syndrome.

From First Watch, Jester, Christoff, and I headed back to Chicago. As you will recall, Christoff and Jessie had that over/under bet on nags. Jessie held her guns. It was the most pleasant five hours I've had in a car since I drove back from Lousiville by myself from the Pryor wedding last September. I will gladly pay Jessie $30 for each car ride over 2 hours from now on.

We arrived home just in time for me to hurry through a sketch and head to my Second City class. Since there were only 3 people in class Sunday, due to a combination of bad weather and Academy Awards, my teacher gave us complimentary passes to the show on the ETC stage (the intermediate stage at Second City). While Second City co-founder Alan Arkin was winning an Oscar, I was watching Disposable Nation. After my horrible experience a couple weeks ago watching a student sketch show, I was fearful of a repeat. It's amazing how much of a difference it makes where there are professional actors and well-written sketches. I thought Disposable Nation was pretty damn funny. See it if you have a chance.

After I got home, I ended up falling asleep right after they awarded the editing Oscar, missing out on all the cool ones. Oh well. At least I got to go to work the next morning.

By the way, I just saw an ad for Michelob Light, and I am glad to see that Michelob is going back to that sweet bottle they used to have. It almost makes up for the fact that it's Michelob.

Midwestern Eavesdropping - 2/22/07

Here you go:

Bitter 26-year-old male to thirtysomething friend wearing a large t-shirt: "You're probably wearing the biggest t-shirt I've seen a non-fat fat guy wear."
--Chicago, Rocks, Schubert & Lakewood
Eavesdropper: GMYH

Whitebread dude talking to DJ: "Hey, can I ask a favor? It's my wife's 30th birthday tonight, and it'd be awesome if you could play her favorite song. It's 'Crazy' by Gnarls Barkley."
--Los Angeles, Q's on Wilshire
Eavesdropper: Weez

Wife to husband (who doesn't like to wear gloves), dead serious: "I hope one day you have to get a finger cut off because of frostbite."
--Chicago, Kenmore & Diversey
Eavesdropper: GMYH

Drunk 17-year-old female to her friend: "Oh my God, I'm totally menopausing."
--Chicago, Red Line train
Eavesdroppers: GMYH, Jesterio

Late 20s professional to fellow late 20s professionals: "The guy said I didn't cheat because I was going for the pastry at the time."
--Chicago, crowded rush hour Purple Line train
Eavesdropper: GMYH

Twentysomething librarian, referring to someone's Ash Wednesday ash cross: "It looked like he got punched in the head with an eraser."
--Chicago, Kenmore & Diversey
Eavesdropper: GMYH

We have several submissions in the non-eavesdropping-but-still-worthy-of-inclusion category.
--Guadalupe, AZ
Eavesdroppers: NaviKate and The Ulltimate Lactose Hater

And then there's this nugget from the Dayton Daily News:

"In the heat of the moment, office mates can't take it
DAYTON — Feb. 12: A complainant with an office in the Biltmore Towers, 210 N. Main St., reported heating problems in the building.
The thermostat would not shut off and the temperature in the office was more than a 100 degrees. He opened a window to alleviate some of the heat.
A female subject approached him and complained about the open window. The complainant told her the window needed to stay open because of the extreme heat.
An officer noted the office was on the fourth floor and the temperature was more than 100 degrees. The subject became angry and judo chopped him on the neck, then left.
She denied hitting him and stated he acted aggressively toward her. The complainant said he wished to file assault charges."
--Dayton, OH
Eavesdropper: The Rookie

Thanks to everyone who submitted. Keep your ears open, and when you hear something hilarious or stupid, email it to gmyhblog@yahoo.com, and I'll like put it on the web and shit.

The End of an Era

After further contemplation, I have decided to amend my Lenten sacrifice. Instead of giving up beer and fried food, I will be giving up drinking (alcohol) during the week (Sun-Thurs) and fried food. I came to this conclusion as I was walking home from Rocks last night at almost 2 a.m. (for the second week in a row). The night started out innocently enough with a nice game of bar trivia. Since we had 11 people, we split up into two teams: Tim Hardaway Hates Kevin (Kevin being the guy who runs trivia) (comprised of me, Jester, Christoff, Remus, and the Brothers Weeser*, minus Greg of course) and Now Britney's Curtains Match the Carpet (or some other vague, sophomoric reference to the lack of hair on both her head and vagina) (comprised of Gregerson, three of his friends, and Myers). Kevin unfortunately changed the name-that-tune round so that it is no longer worth a point for the title and a point for the artist. Now it's a half a point each. This severely diminishes the point total of any team I am on. Nonetheless, THHK held a lead or a share thereof for most of the first five rounds, and NBCMTC was close behind. We were up one point going into the final round, and ended up tying for third, with NBCMTC edging us out for second, meaning they got to choose a round for next week (Seinfeld, by the way). Then it was discovered that the first place team had like 30 people, so they got DQ'd, meaning that NBCMTC not only got to choose a round for next week, but they also got the first place prize of 25% off their tab. Bastards.

It was at this time when I convinced myself that I should probably stay a little longer. Jester went home, severely unhappy that I was not accompanying her (and rightfully so). But it was Gregerson's birthday and, at the time, it was going to be the last time I would drink beer for a month and a half. Not that I needed a reason, but it never hurts to have one or two. So Gregerson and I rolled some Silver Strike while Dan Weeser* watched. Next thing I know, it's 1:40. I'm an idiot. I wasn't kidding last week when I said that I continuously and consciously fail to learn from my mistakes. Once again, Jester, sorry. With the help of Jesus, I shall change my ways. At least until Easter.

Tomorrow night will mark the end to a thrilling chapter in my life (and at least four or five of your lives), with the airing of the final episode of The OC (which RULES). As George Harrison and Mike Ditka independently once said, "All things must pass." I haven't been doing a good job of The OC updates as of late, mainly because I'm too distraught. Hell, trying to cope with The OC's absence has forced me to drink until the wee hours of the morning during the week.

Feeling nostalgic, I began to think of why The OC has plummeted in the ratings, forcing its untimely and unfortunate cancellation, and I have come to but one conclusion: There are no evil characters or characters with ulterior motives like there used to be, and all the formerly evil characters who are still on the show became less evil. Here's what I'm talking about:

Luke. In season one, this water-polo-playing, preppy bully was the perfect Roberto Duran to Ryan Atwood's Sugar Ray. Luke dated Marissa, who was spending more and more time with Ryan, and Luke was a giant asshole, getting into numerous fights with Ryan and eventually sleeping with both Marissa and Julie Cooper (I actually respect the shit out of that aspect of him). Then, for no other reason than finding out his dad loves penis, he goes from hated motherfucker (literally!) to friends with Ryan, Marissa, and to a lesser extent Seth, and then he to Portland with his gay dad.

Summer. She used to be a typical class-conscious Newpsie bitch you loved to hate, until some underfed comic book geek remembered verbatim a poem she had read aloud in grade school. Then again, she also used to be a complete dunce, and she got into Brown, so go figure.

Oliver. Classic first-two-seasons-style character. Wild, unpredictable, gun-toting, and head-slapping, Oliver was a recovering pill popper who wooed Marissa by making virgin mojitos, pretending he wasn't still popping pills, and telling Marissa that he had a girlfriend (who didn't exist). He was the kind of lying, all-is-fair-in-love-and-war, mentally disturbed nut job that made people tune in every week, hoping that Marissa would see past his façade.

Julie. She used to be the Queen Bitch of Newport (an actual title I just made up). She was conniving, adulterous, and cold-hearted. Then one day she turned into someone who cared about things other than herself and money.

Zack. While not evil per se, he did make a good run at Summer, providing Seth with worthy competition for Summer's affection.

Caleb. That man would not rescue a drowning baby if it was right in front of his face, even if it was his own.

Alex. She wasn't evil, but I think the show could have used more really hot teenage lesbians.

That dude who had that stag flick Julie was in. All he wanted was to extort a little money from Julie in exchange for the promise to keep Julie's vagina off the big screen.

Trey. Ryan's brother was your typical Chino scumbag, never able to keep his head above water or his life together, and always pulling Ryan into hairy situations that usually resulted in fists flying or cars getting stolen.

Jess. Hateable, but bangable at the same time, Trey's saucy tart girlfriend was nothing but trouble, providing a formidable Nancy to Trey's Sid.

Dean Hess. Has there ever been a more disagreeable character in the history of television? I think not. Dean Hess was a gigantic dickhead whose cock-chugging ability was unmatched. And he was banging Taylor Townsend before that was the cool thing to do (i.e., when she was still a dastardly bitch – see below). While I was happy to see him fall, I would have rather it been at the hands (read: fists) of Ryan.

Charlotte. Played by Jeri Ryan, Charlotte was a fake alcoholic who tried to scam Kirsten out of a whole bunch of money. Her motives were unclear for her first few episodes, which added to the intrigue. Plus, I thought maybe she might start up a lesbianic relationship with Kirsten, which helped pique my interest.

Volchok. Eastern Bloc vampire surfers are rarely not evil. He was a complete scumbag – the kind of guy who would purposely shit his pants in front of his girlfriend's mom. He was also the kind of guy who would kill a delicate flower like Marissa Cooper. Oh how I wish he comes back for the final episode so that Ryan can finally pummel him, with the show ending with an '80s-sticom-style still shot of Ryan, covered head to toe with Volchok's blood and holding Volchok's severed head in one hand, looking at the camera with an impish smile and a lighthearted "oopsy!" shrug.

Caitlin. She tries to be evil, but she just comes across as a brat who needs a speech pathologist.

Johnny. He was not evil himself, but man was his hair something straight out of hell. Of all the people to die on The OC, I was most happy to see him go.

Taylor. She used to be a psycho, conniving, untrustworthy bitch trying to pry Seth and Summer apart, kind of like the female equivalent of Oliver. As noted above, she was even getting tagged by Dean Hess, which I'm assuming was a threesome, since he chugs cock 24 hours a day and since Taylor is rather kinky. Eventually, she turned into the pleasantly neurotic boy toy we know and love today.

I'm sure I'm forgetting a character or two. By the way, what the fuck ever happened to Ryan's baby with Teresa? I'm hoping this final episode features a brooding two-year-old with superhuman strength who brings Johnny back from the dead for the sole purpose of rekilling him.

Get Lent

Well everyone, it's that time of year again, where for 40 days and 40 nights I pretend that giving something up will somehow compensate for my absence from mass for over a year, constant blasphemy, gallons of devil water per week, on-again-off-again practice of Santeria, and that transient I keep locked up in my closet. His name is Clyde, and were that he attempt to leave, with a phone cord twenty lashes shall he receive, and were that he attempt to scream, into his skull would crash a beam, or at least that's what I tell him when I bathe him with a Swiffer Wet Jet every Sunday night. He's pretty cool.

Last year's Lenten abstention from drinking during the week and fried foods went swimmingly. This year, since I don't learn from my mistakes, I am giving up beer and fried foods for Lent. You may recall that Tron and I gave up beer in 2004. I certainly don't. It was the drunkest Lent I've ever had. Turns out you can drink a double Beam and Coke in the same time it takes you to drink a beer. Hopefully I will be able to control the beast within this time around.

As with last year, the power of Christ compels me to offer suggestions for those of you out there struggling to find something to give up. Also, as with last year, some of the suggestions relate to specific people. Anyway, here's what good for giving up:

• Blinking
• Singing "I Believe in a Thing Called Love" by The Darkness at live band karaoke
• Hunting homeless men for sport (teenagers, apparently)
• Popping your collars, wearing a sport coat with jeans, and wearing your fucking hat tilted to the side, asshole.
• Smelling so damn good (that chick that sits in front of you in your telecom lecture that you will never ask out because you're hideous)
• Looking hideous
• Your dream of starting a ceral company named Raisin Brand that makes only raisin bran
• Not smoking cloves
• Your dead-end job washing barnacles of the bows of boats at the Bayside Bar and Marina
• Alliteration
• Life as you know it (Tom Brady)
• Hair (Britney)
• Drugs (Britney)
• Alcohol (Britney)
• Paris Hilton (Britney)
• Lesbianism (Britney)
• Public Indecency (Britney)
• Rehab (Britney)
• Laughing your ass off (K-Fed)
• Stalking that hot chick that works in the Walgreen's across the street from your office, even though she only lives fourteen miles from you, and you guys would totally hit it off if you accidentally bumped into her when she was walking into her apartment next Tuesday night at 8:12 after she got back from spinning class, and you wouldn't hurt her unless she said that she would ever leave you because she is your destiny
• Offending the shit out of Native Americans by dancing in a manner that bears little to know resemblance to any sort of traditional Native American dance (Chief Illiniwek)
• Your dreams of becoming an astronaut
• Not having sex three times a day -- with your husband (Jessie)
• Judaism
• Annoying the shit out of me with your commercials featuring smarmy long-haired middle-aged men (UPS)
• Making bad decisions (Christoff)
• Referring to every single male whose path you cross as "bro," "boss," "chief," "guy," or "stud"
• Putting your wife before video bowling
• Secretly praying for your mother's death so that you have a snowball's chance in hell of a normal life (Dannielynn Smith)
• Airing (The OC)
• Saying "At's a spicy meataball" after sex
• Going to San Francisco (Tim Hardaway)
• Your quest for the truth
• Not getting a tan (Clyde)
• Your repeated use of the phrase, "I'd fuck that shit"
• Snatching people's asses in bear traps (Fat Abbott)
• Corn
• Korn
• Thinking that you've got no reason to depants that bitch over there in the corner talking to her friends who didn't call you after one date, even though you dropped $83 on dinner
• Your wife (as far as I can tell, God has a problem with infidelity and divorce, but not a 40-day trial separation)
• Being born (fetuses at risk of becoming criminals)
• Not saying "Hyoooohhh!" (a la Ed McMahon) whenever you step onto or off of a bus or train