Bo Knows How To Kill Bears, Alienate Fans

Have you been wondering what Bo Jackson is up to? Neither had I, until I read this article at ESPN.com. The first few 3 paragraphs are phenomenal. If he can take down the Boz at point blank range, why not a bear? The rest of the article is good, too. If you're like me -- and pray to your God that I'm not -- you were in awe of Bo Jackson when he was still playing, whether it was baseball or football. Aside from the bear-killing part of the article, I especially enjoy the fact that his wife wished to keep the name of the hospital where she works out of the article "because some of her colleagues do not know she is Bo Jackson's spouse." Nice work.

Co-worker: "Hey, Linda Jackson, why do you have that picture on your desk of Bo Jackson? Is he a relative of yours?"
Linda Jackson: "Who? I don't have any pictures on my desk. And if I did, they certainly wouldn't be of someone I've never met, heard of, or been married to for over 20 years."
Co-worker (pointing to picture): "But that picture right there is Bo Jackson. Number 34. Auburn."
Linda Jackson: "No it's not. I've never owned a picture of, met, or married anyone who was a Heisman winner and who ran a 4.18 40-yard dash at the 1986 NFL combine, but who then postponed his NFL career a year to play Major League Baseball."
Co-worker (pointing to picture): "But what about that one right there? He's wearing a tuxedo and you're wearing a wedding dress."
Linda Jackson: "What? No. No I'm not. It's one of those old-timely novelty pictures. Jackson's a common last name. That's not Bo Jackson. That's not me. I'm not married. Bo Jackson is probably dead. The man in the picture is a different Bo Jackson than the famous one, even though they look, talk, and act the exact same and are both former professional two-sport athletes who broke bats over their knees and rushed for 221 yards against the Seattle Seahawks in a Monday Night Football game on November 30, 1987. Is it hot in here? My name isn't even Linda. My husband's name is spelled B-E-A-U. He's a white French sculptor by day who hunts humans with compound bows by night. And you will be next on his list if this inquisition continues, that is, if I had a husband."

Here is another solid excerpt:

You want to see that anger bubble and boil? Go up to Bo and put your arm around him. He hates that -- strangers touching him, strangers who want to arm-wrestle, strangers who think they know him because they saw an advertisement 20 years ago. At one point, to demonstrate, he took my wrist in his hand and twisted, ever so gently.

It was enough.

"You've really got to get under my skin to get me to snap," he says. "But if I snap, God help you."

After reading this article, I am scared shitless of ever meeting Bo Jackson. I wouldn't know what to do. I mean, it's Bo fucking Jackson -- probably the greatest pure athlete our generation has known -- so I would have to at least say hi. At that point, though, things could go sour. I could try to run away, but there's no point because he would undoubtedly either (1) shoot me through the skull with a poison-tipped arrow (interesting tidbit: the poison is actually his own blood), or (2) catch me, since I'm guessing that, even at 45 and with a replacement hip, his 40 time is at least a half-second better than mine (I'm fast, but not that fast), and once he caught me, in his words, "God help [me]." I'm guessing he would -- in one swift and fluid movement -- palm my head, toss me in the air and catch me on the way down sideways, then literally snap me in half over his knee, and before so much as a drop of blood appeared, he would have already crushed my remains into a diamond with his bare hands. By the way, I think I know the Chicago suburb and gated community where he resides, and if you think for a second that I'm not going to the grave with that information, please look at this picture:

The man hunts in three-piece suits, people.

All I Want For Christmas Is Taylor Townsend

Ahhh, The OC, how I miss thee. Jaleh sent me this link to a lengthy TV Guide online interview with Josh Schwartz. Among the topics discussed are the brand new The OC complete series box set. That's right, all four seasons and a ton of bonus features, such as a booklet, documentary, bloopers, bonus scenes, and commentary, all wrapped in a sharp-looking package that screams, "welcome to The OC, bitch." Possibly the greatest line in television history.

Movember

In the interest of ridding the world of prostate cancer, Christoff has decided to complete his "creepiest guy in the bar" look by growing a handlebar mustache. This, he feels, should be enough for you to donate money to fight prostate cancer. Since I generally support mustache-growing-centered events and generally refuse to support cancer of the penis, I think you should help the "Men of Movember." Here are the details, from the child-molesting fingers of the man himself:

"For those of you who aren't Australian, a 'Mo is Aussie slang for Moustache, and during the month of Movember, men from around the globe are being encouraged to grow moustaches in an attempt to raise awareness, and more importantly money, for the fight against prostate cancer.

So if you hate the uncontrollable growth of cells as much as I do, head to www.menofmovember.com, take a look around, and make a donation. Feel free to check back often as pictures are taken daily to chart the inverse relationship between the quality of our 'staches and our remaining dignity.

All kidding aside though, for those of you who don't know, my dad actually went through the treatment for prostate cancer highlighted in the "What is Movember" link a little over a year ago. Thanks to the treatment developed through research funded by this kind of donation, he is in excellent health right now. So if you're looking for a Karmic boost, or you're in need of a new calendar for 2008 (yours free with a $10 donation), head to www.menofmovember.com and put your money where your clean shaven mouth is.

Thanks,
Ryan"

So if you like cancer, then don't donate. I bet National Wine & Spirits doesn't donate.

The Return of Bell's to Chicago, Kind Of, Maybe

After over a year of being out of Illinois, Bell's Brewing, Inc. is trying its damnedest to return to Illinois. I think I speak for Bell's lovers everywhere when I say that National Wine & Spirits can burn in the depths of hell right next to Bill Wirtz if they prevent Bell's from returning. Has no one at National Wine & Spirits ever sat in a beer garden on a warm July afternoon in Chicago and sipped an Oberon? Because I have, and, outside of a heroin-induced orgasm, there is not a much better feeling in the world. For the love of God, just let Bell's come back.

The Beginning of The End

Riot Eternally Quieted

Hair band aficionados, such as myself, are in a state of mourning today. As I'm sure you know by now, Kevin DuBrow, former lead singer of Quiet Riot was found dead yesterday in his Las Vegas home. Thanks to Tradd for the link and ruining my life.

Bowl Scenarios, Part III

Some good things happened this past week for IU's bowl scenarios.

The big talk now is what will happen if Oklahoma beats Missouri in the Big 12 title game, since that could push Ohio State into the BCS title game and possibly move Illinois into the Rose Bowl. As absolutely horrifying as both of those possibilities sound, it could mean good things for IU, as it might push them up to the Champs Sports Bowl.

Since bowl bids will likely not be given out until after the BCS bowl bids are handed out (12/2), we have a week to speculate.

The main thing that IU has to worry about now are 7-5 teams that have been shut out of their conference bowl slots. Currently there are only 2 non-Big-Ten at-large teams that are 7-5: Western Kentucky and TCU. In addition, Florida Atlantic can become 7-5 with a win at Troy.

Several teams have accepted bowl bids already.

Here are the leagues that have bowl tie-ins that might not have enough bowl-eligible teams, and the teams that are bowl eligible or that can still become bowl eligible:

ACC (8 bowl tie-ins)
8 bowl eligible: Virginia (9-3), Virginia Tech (10-2), BC (10-2), Clemson (9-3), Wake Forest (8-4), FSU (7-5), Georgia Tech (7-5), Maryland (6-6)
0 at-large teams

Unless the ACC gets 2 BCS berths (which is unlikely), all of the ACC's bowl slots will be taken. However, they will not have any 7-5 at-large teams.

Big East (6 bowl tie-ins, although 2 are shared with the Big 12)
5 bowl eligible: Connecticut (9-3), West Virginia (10-1), Cincinnati (9-3), South Florida (9-3), Rutgers (7-4)
1 team that can become bowl eligible (with remaining games)
Louisville - 5-6 (Rutgers 11/29)
0 at-large teams

West Virginia will go to the BCS, leaving 5 slots for 4 teams. Louisville has a very tough home game against Rutgers to clinch a bowl berth. The five current bowl-eligible teams are the only teams from the Big East likely to go to a bowl. As noted above, the Big East and Big 12 share some bowl affiliations (the Sun Bowl and the Gator Bowl). The Sun Bowl can choose a Big 12 team twice or a Big East team (or Notre Dame, but that's not an issue) twice between 2006 and 2009. The Gator Bowl can also choose a Big East team, a Big 12 team, or Notre Dame, but doesn't appear to have any restrictions on who it chooses.

Big 12 (8 bowl tie-ins)
8 bowl eligible: Kansas (11-1), Missouri (11-1), Oklahoma (10-2), Texas (9-3), Texas Tech (8-4), Texas A&M (7-5), Oklahoma State (6-6), Colorado (6-6)
0 at-large teams

Between Kansas, Missouri, and Oklahoma, the Big 12 could get 2 BCS bids, which will leave 7 other bowls for 6 remaining currently bowl-eligible teams. Thus, the Texas Bowl (reserved for the #8 team from the Big 12) should be able to take an at-large team.

Conference USA (6 bowl tie-ins)
6 bowl eligible: UCF (9-3), Tulsa (9-3), Houston (8-4), East Carolina (7-5), Memphis (7-5), Southern Miss (7-5)
0 at-large teams

C-USA will fill all 6 of its slots with no extra at-large teams. In fact, three teams have already accepted bowl bids: Memphis (New Orleans Bowl), Houston (Texas Bowl), and Southern Miss (Papajohns.com Bowl).

Independents
2 bowl eligible: Navy (7-4), Western Kentucky (7-5)
1 at-large team: Western Kentucky

Navy has already accepted a bid to the Poinsettia Bowl. Western Kentucky will not likely get a bowl bid.

MAC (3 bowl tie-ins):
5 bowl eligible: Bowling Green (8-4), Central Michigan (7-5), Ball State (7-5), Miami (OH) (6-6), Ohio (6-6)
2 at-large teams: Miami (OH), Ohio

The MAC will get its 3 bowl-eligible teams, but will not have any 7-5 at-large teams.

Mountain West (4 bowl tie-ins)
5 bowl eligible: BYU (9-2), Air Force (9-3), Utah (8-4), New Mexico (8-4), TCU (7-5)
1 at-large team: TCU

The MWC will have more than its 4 bowl-eligible teams, and one at-large team with a 7-5 record or better.

Pac-10 (6 bowl tie-ins)
6 bowl eligible: Arizona State (9-2), Oregon (8-3), USC (9-2), Oregon State (7-4), Cal (6-5), UCLA (6-5)
1 team that can become bowl eligible (with remaining games)
Arizona - 5-6 (at Arizona State 12/1)
2 teams that can become 7-5 (with remaining games)
Cal (at Stanford 12/1)
UCLA (at USC 12/1)
0 at-large teams (currently)

UCLA's win over Oregon made it bowl eligible, although it will not likely get to 7-5. There is still an outside shot that the Pac-10 will get 2 BCS bids between Arizona State and USC. If the Pac-10 gets 2 BCS bids, that will leave 4 teams for 5 slots, thus opening the Armed Forces Bowl for an at-large bid.

SEC (8 bowl tie-ins)
10 bowl eligible: LSU (10-2), Georgia (10-2), Florida (9-3), Tennessee (9-3), Auburn (8-4), Arkansas (8-4), Kentucky (7-5), Mississippi State (7-5), South Carolina (6-6), Alabama (6-6)
1 or 2 at-large teams: South Carolina and/or Alabama

The SEC will likely get 2 BCS bids (probably LSU and Georgia), leaving 7 bowl slots for 8 bowl-eligible teams. However, there will not be any 7-5 at-large teams from the SEC.

Sun Belt (1 bowl tie-in)
1 bowl eligible: Troy (8-3), Florida Atlantic (6-5), UL-Monroe (6-6)
1 team that can become 7-5 (with remaining games):
Florida Atlantic 6-5 (at Troy 12/1)
2 at-large teams: FAU, UL-Monroe

Not that we would need to worry about an at-large FAU team, but it looks like they won't get to 7 wins anyway.

WAC (3 bowl tie-ins):
3 bowl-eligible: Hawaii (11-0), Boise State (10-2), Fresno State (7-4)
2 teams that can become bowl eligible (with remaining games):
Nevada - 5-6 (Louisiana Tech 12/1)
Louisiana Tech - 5-6 (at Nevada 12/1)
1 at-large team: either Nevada or La Tech


If Hawaii finishes undefeated and goes to a BCS bowl, that will free up a WAC bowl if they don't have 3 other bowl-eligible teams, meaning that the WAC's bowl slots will be full if Nevada or La Tech wins a 6th game. Given that they play each other, it is mathematically impossible for both teams to end up at 5-7. However, the winner of that game will be 6-6, so an at-large berth is not an issue on the off chance that Hawaii doesn't finish 12-0.

It Was The Best of Times, It Was The Wurst of Times, Bonus Feature: Bavarian Eavesdropping

During our week in Munich, the combination of beer and being surrounded by Germans and German shit made for some good eavesdropping. Rather than conform to the anonymous strictures of Midwestern Eavesdropping, Bavarian Eavesdropping will just come right out and tell you who said what.

Jester at the Augustiner (upon seeing some roses): "I don't want any, but if I was a horse and I won a race I would want all of them."

Drunk Virginia Tech guy at Augustiner, discussing the Hofbrauhaus with other Americans: "Yeah, it's over by the church. It's like this big beer hall, and everyone gets drunk."

Kyla: "What's your name?"
Norwegian man: "Toto."
Kyla: "Wait, that's your name?"
Norwegian: "I'm not a fucking monkey."

Kyla at Oktoberfest: "I'll give you a shot of penis."

Liz: "I wish I knew what 'give it to me' in German was."

Sarah, discussing waitress's bosom at Braurosl tent: "Those are the most impressive things I've seen this trip."

Kyla: "We want to have fun; we want to show you our boobs."

Liz: "I never knew what guilt was until I had it."

Ari, walking down main promenade near Marienplatz: "Act like you're German. Act like you hate me or want to shoot me or hang me by my wrists."

Jester: "I'm built like a 14 year old boy and I'll take it."

Toto: "In the shower, you must bend over."

Kyla, discussing out waiter Gunther at the Augustiner tent: "He has a wealth of knowledge. We need to tap that."

Leslie: "I don't think I can fit that much in my dirndl."

Kyla: "If meat were fruit I could order whatever I wanted."

Jer, about Brazilians and AIDS: "They may not have started it, but they spread the shit out of it."

Kyla: "It's so sour."
Someone: "What's so sour?"
Kyla: "Sauerkraut."

Sarah, discussing Christmas: "There's Scrooge and then there's me."

Kyla, after discussing the fact that she had sex twice: "Man, I gotta stretch my legs. My butt's sore."

Kyla: "We should have a shart-off."

Kyla: "Wait, don't the Germans make chocolate? Is Fannie Mae German? (several seconds later) Feels like vagina."

GMYH, when asked if he would care if Christoff were to have sex with GMYH's eldest sister-in-law: "I wouldn't care if Christoff fucked her. It's not my pussy."

Kyla: "Am I gonna be that girl like on Flavor Flav who shits herself onstage. I've been close."

Kyla (discussing dirndls): "I'm gonna give Alex some dirndl head once I get on."

Gregerson: "My piss has a head on it."

Kyla: "My passport was in my back pocket, and it's wet from me sweating last night."

Sarah, with Chandler bouncing her on his knee: "You felt like my mother there for a second."

It Was The Best of Times, It Was The Wurst of Times, Epilogue

I took Monday 10/1 off, so I could regroup and such. Jester and I had an excellent wurst-and-pork-knuckle-free breakfast at the S&G Diner. As expected, on my L ride to work Tuesday morning, the woman standing next to me fainted and pissed herself.

After a week in Munich during Oktoberfest, I make the following suggestions:
1. Bring multivitamins because there are no vegetables in Munich.
2. If you are a female, buy a dirndl and wear it indiscriminately (technically this applies whether or not you are in Munich or it is Oktoberfest).
3. Drink stillvasser.
4. Always carry a hotel key.
5. Drinking contests are encouraged and should be videotaped.

In conclusion, if you like beer and you like fun, then Oktoberfest is for you. It's definitely something everyone who likes beer and fun should do once in their lives. Or maybe twice. You see folks, 2010 is the bicentennial for Oktoberfest, and I smell a return visit. Evite pending. Hopefully the 35 months' notice will give those of you with children plenty of time to find a babysitter and those of you without the ability to reproduce plenty of time to harden your liver in anticipation.

It Was The Best of Times, It Was The Wurst of Times, Part IX: Sunday 9/30

Sunday morning at 9:30, we checked out of Pension Seibel and headed for the flughafen, although this time we took a tram to the S-Bahn, rather than once again disrupt Bavarians' day by traipsing across cobblestone with rolling suitcases.

Not everyone was going back to the States. Chandler went to Amsterdam (maybe) for business (maybe). 19 1/2 years after first seeing Bloodsport, Jer left for Brussels, finally completing his long-awaited pilgrimage to Jean-Claude Van Damme's birthplace. As it is the underworld, you gotta keep your balls protected. I can only hope he threw some dust in some Belgian's eyes. Inspired by Jer's often deafening praise for Van Damme, Liz also went to Brussels, choosing to stay several miles from Jer on the off chance that associating with him would result in her once again being sucked into the world of the Kumite, or forced to fight some dude with a shaved head and an ass-length braided ponytail with fists covered in broken glass, or, worse yet, turned into a cyborg. No word on whether Jer was discovered in his hotel room doing the splits sideways, feet resting on two chairs, while he calmly read a book on Flemish history.

For the US Airways group (and all others traveling internationally at the airport), the trip through the flughafen was long and arduous. There must have been 43 different security checkpoints. Fucking Nazis.

The flight back was nearly ruined by technical problems with the in-flight entertainment system. They had to reset it several times, much to the dismay of every single passenger. Mutiny was avoided, luckily. I watched Blades of Glory again, as well as the Spartan propaganda film, 300. I was pleasantly surprised at the carnage and bare breasts 300 offered. Nice work, US Airways.

In addition, I actually arose from my seat on at least one occasion on the flight back. Over the course of the week, the DVT lobby had sufficiently indoctrinated me. And good thing I listened, too, because it's been nearly two months and I STILL have no blood clots in my legs.

We arrived in Philly right before 4pm local time, which was key, since the late NFL games were all about to start. Of course, my trusty Blackberry, which finally worked for the first time in a week, informed me that the Bears managed to let the Lions score not 1, not 2, but 34 points in the fourth quarter. No, not actual lions, either. I'm talking about the Detroit Lions. Nice work.

Not knowing what else to do, most of us went to a sports bar and ordered some beers. Bohmann even had the balls to order Sam Adams Octoberfest.
The layover was several hours long, which wasn't so bad given the aforementioned football. We arrived in Chicago around 9:30, and Gregerson, TG, and I took a cab back to my pad. I cried myself to sleep that night, but I once I was out, I slept like a fetus, dreaming of dirndls, wurst, and stillvasser. What a week.