Beeeeeeeeef Jelly

Every Saturday night, I practice scenes from my all-nude stage version of Howard the Duck that I've been tweaking for the past 25 years. In my version, Howard bangs everyone. I play Howard. Casting every other role has proved difficult.


A week ago Saturday, things were stale at rehearsal and I needed a comedic spark, so I watched Saturday Night Live for the first time in a while because It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia's Charlie Day was hosting. There was a sketch I found particularly hilarious called "The Original Kings of Catchprase Comedy Tour Vol. 2." Apparently, there was a previous related sketch when Zach Galifianakis hosted. Here are videos for both sketches. Enjoy.


Here's the first one:



Here's the second one:

Undefeated After Week 11

The Hoosiers didn't lose this weekend. However, two previously undefeated teams did -- #4 Stanford and #5 Boise State.


This raises an interesting possibility. If LSU loses in the SEC Championship game and Oklahoma State loses to Oklahoma in Bedlam, both of those teams would end with one loss. And let's say the following one-loss teams win out: Alabama, Oregon, Oklahoma, Clemson or Virginia Tech (they would meet in the ACC Championship game, so only one can win out), Stanford, and Boise State. If Houston wins out, unfortunately, they probably wouldn't get a shot at the BCS title game, even though that seems like a bullshit result. If you're the only undefeated team in the FBS, you should automatically play in the BCS title game, no matter what conference you're in.


Anyway, in the scenario above, you would have eight one-loss teams: LSU, Oklahoma State, Oklahoma, Alabama, Oregon, Boise State, Stanford, and either Clemson or Virginia Tech would end the season with one loss. Oklahoma State's only loss would be to Oklahoma, Alabama's only loss would be to LSU, Oregon's only loss would be to LSU, and Stanford's only loss would be to Oregon. And if LSU loses to Arkansas, then Arkansas would be another one-loss team thrown into the mix, with their only loss being to Alabama, and then LSU's only loss would be to Arkansas.


Who would play in the BCS title game? I suppose BCS supporters would say that this is exactly why the BCS was created – to pit the two best teams against each other even when there are others with identical records. On the other hand, not all of these one-loss teams would make a BCS bowl. With the Big Ten champ, Big East champ, and Houston (assuming it wins out) taking up a spot each, that leaves seven spots for eight (or nine) one-loss teams. Of course, Boise State is likely the odd team out, since they don't play in a BCS conference.


This is exactly the type of scenario playoff proponents hope for, since it makes their case for a D-1A playoff that much stronger. Here is a playoff system several of us came up with a few weeks ago while dominating trivia at Rocks. I'm sure we're not the first people to come up with something like this.
-8 teams make the playoffs, whether those 8 are chosen by BCS rankings or by a selection committee. It would be the winners of the 6 so-called "BCS conferences" (maybe minus the Big East), with 2 at-large teams that can come from any conference. Any non-BCS-conference that finishes undefeated would get an at-large berth, assuming there are not more than two. If there are more than two, then the BCS rankings or selection committee would determine which two get the two at-large spots.
-The quarterfinal games would be played at the four BCS sites: Pasadena, Glendale, New Orleans, and Miami. Like the NCAA tournament, the top seeds would play closer to home, to the extent that is possible.
-The quarterfinal games would be played either one week or two weeks after the conference championship games (so the second or third weekend of December).
-The semis and championship game would all be held at the same stadium, and the location would rotate amongst the BCS sites. The semis would be held the first Saturday in January, and the championship game would be held the second Saturday in January. I don't care if that bumps up against NFL playoffs.
-The rest of the non-BCS bowls remain the same. They would matter just as much as they do now, and that way teams that don't have a realistic shot of making the playoffs and teams from smaller conferences can still go to a bowl game.


Here is a breakdown of the undefeated teams and each team's remaining games (rankings are BCS rankings):


#1 LSU (10-0)
11/19 – at Mississippi (2-8)
11/25 – #6 Arkansas (9-1)
12/3 – SEC Championship game (TBD)


Remaining opponents' combined record: 11-9 (.550)


#2 Oklahoma State (10-0)
11/18 – at Iowa State (5-4)
12/3 - #5 Oklahoma (8-1)


Remaining opponents' combined record: 13-5 (.722)


#11 Houston (10-0)
11/19 – SMU (6-4)
11/25 – at Tulsa (7-3)
12/3 – Conference USA Championship game (TBD)


Remaining opponents' combined record: 13-7 (.650)

Best Band of Our Generation: Quarterfinals Update

Weezer takes down Huey Lewis and The News, 72% to 28%.  Only one quarterfinal remaining, and it's a good one:  Pearl Jam vs. Guns N' Roses.

(For details and background about the Best Band of Our Generation countdown, click here.)

Here are the results so far.  Winners are in green.

Quarterfinals

1.  U2 (1980)

24.  Mötley Crüe (1981) (56%)

5.  Def Leppard (1980) (57%)

4.  Metallica (1983)

14.  Huey Lewis and The News (1980)

11.  Weezer (1994) (72%)

7.  Guns N' Roses (1987)

2.  Pearl Jam (1991)

Round 2

1.  U2 (1980) (57%)

16.  Foo Fighters (1995)

24.  Mötley Crüe (1981) (60%)

8.  Nirvana (1989)

5.  Def Leppard (1980) (63%)

12.  Bon Jovi (1984)

20.  The White Stripes (1999)

4.  Metallica (1983) (83%)

30.  Stone Temple Pilots (1992)

14.  Huey Lewis and The News (1980) (80%)

11.  Weezer (1994) (75%)

6.  Beastie Boys (1982)

7.  Guns N' Roses (1987) (60%)

23.  Iron Maiden (1980)

15.  Green Day (1990) 

2.  Pearl Jam (1991) (100%)

Round 1

1.  U2 (1980) (60%)

32.  The Pixies (1987)

16.  Foo Fighters (1995) (75%)

17.  The Cure (1980)

9.  Red Hot Chili Peppers (1984)

24.  Mötley Crüe (1981) (80%)

8.  Nirvana (1989) (67%)

25.  The Black Crowes (1990)

5.  Def Leppard (1980) (86%)

28.  Poison (1986)

12.  Bon Jovi (1984) (100%)

21.  Depeche Mode (1981)

13.  Dave Matthews Band (1994)

20.  The White Stripes (1999) (80%)

4.  Metallica (1983) (100%)

29.  Soundgarden (1988)

3.  R.E.M. (1982)

30.  Stone Temple Pilots (1992) (60%)

14.  Huey Lewis and The News (1980) (67%)

19.  Duran Duran (1981)

11.  Weezer (1994) (80%)

22.  Rage Against the Machine (1992)

6.  Beastie Boys (1982) (80%)

27.  Nine Inch Nails (1989)

7.  Guns N' Roses (1987) (83%)

26.  Smashing Pumpkins (1991)

10.  Radiohead (1993)

23.  Iron Maiden (1980) (75%)

15.  Green Day (1990) (75%)

18.  The Pretenders (1980)

2.  Pearl Jam (1991) (80%)

31.  Oasis (1994)

Listen to Hair Band Friday - 11/11/11

Irrational Fears

Kids have irrational fears.  That's one of the things that endears them to adults.  Whether it's Billy's fear of remote controls or Suzy's refusal to step foot in the bathroom because of her firm belief that wolves live in the vanity, we adults respond with an "awww" (and most likely a laugh because, let's be honest, kids are morons).

When I was Daughter's age (almost 2), I was terrified of Kiss.  I eventually came around.  (Hell, I even went to see Ace Frehley in concert last night.)  Of course, all my parents had to say was that Kiss were just guys with paint on their faces.  That's what I told Daughter, and she loves watching Kiss videos.  But this post isn't about why I'm a better parent than my parents.  It's about fear.

Take Daughter.  We went to a nature museum last month, and there was this 12-foot-tall stuffed (as in by a taxidermist, not a toy) polar bear standing on his hind legs with his arms outstretched, Frankenstein style.  Daughter was petrified.  She wouldn't go near it.  That's not irrational in my book, since until that point, the only polar bears she had seen were alive and swimming at the zoo.  This stuffed polar bear was gigantic and was showing its giant, sharp teeth.  If it were alive (and I don't think Daughter understands that it isn't), it would surely devour all of us -- Daughter first, no doubt, since she's slower than Jester or me.

And then there's what she told me yesterday morning when I got her out of bed:

Me:  How'd you sleep?

Daughter:  Uh, I kind of afraid.

Me:  What are you afraid of?

Daughter:  The armadillos.

We live in Chicago.  Armadillos have been wholly and unquestionably absent from Daughter's life.  Outside of Go Diego Go, I pretty sure she has never even seen an armadillo.  Also, the inclusion of the word "the" implies that she is not afraid of armadillos in general, but some specific armadillos.  Who are these armadillos?  When and where do they intimidate her?  Do they have leprosy?  If so, then maybe her fear isn't so irrational after all.  I guess I can just put Gene Simmons face paint on the next armadillo I see.

Best Band of Our Generation: Quarterfinals Update

Def Leppard held off Metallica, 57% to 43%, to advance to the semis.  Our next match-up features Weezer vs. Huey Lewis and The News.  Because I am a benevolent dictator, I will give you until Sunday night to vote.  Now get out there and vote!

(For details and background about the Best Band of Our Generation countdown, click here.)

Here are the results so far.  Winners are in green.

Quarterfinals

1.  U2 (1980)

24.  Mötley Crüe (1981) (56%)

5.  Def Leppard (1980) (57%)

4.  Metallica (1983)

14.  Huey Lewis and The News (1980)

11.  Weezer (1994)

7.  Guns N' Roses (1987)

2.  Pearl Jam (1991)

Round 2

1.  U2 (1980) (57%)

16.  Foo Fighters (1995)

24.  Mötley Crüe (1981) (60%)

8.  Nirvana (1989)

5.  Def Leppard (1980) (63%)

12.  Bon Jovi (1984)

20.  The White Stripes (1999)

4.  Metallica (1983) (83%)

30.  Stone Temple Pilots (1992)

14.  Huey Lewis and The News (1980) (80%)

11.  Weezer (1994) (75%)

6.  Beastie Boys (1982)

7.  Guns N' Roses (1987) (60%)

23.  Iron Maiden (1980)

15.  Green Day (1990) 

2.  Pearl Jam (1991) (100%)

Round 1

1.  U2 (1980) (60%)

32.  The Pixies (1987)

16.  Foo Fighters (1995) (75%)

17.  The Cure (1980)

9.  Red Hot Chili Peppers (1984)

24.  Mötley Crüe (1981) (80%)

8.  Nirvana (1989) (67%)

25.  The Black Crowes (1990)

5.  Def Leppard (1980) (86%)

28.  Poison (1986)

12.  Bon Jovi (1984) (100%)

21.  Depeche Mode (1981)

13.  Dave Matthews Band (1994)

20.  The White Stripes (1999) (80%)

4.  Metallica (1983) (100%)

29.  Soundgarden (1988)

3.  R.E.M. (1982)

30.  Stone Temple Pilots (1992) (60%)

14.  Huey Lewis and The News (1980) (67%)

19.  Duran Duran (1981)

11.  Weezer (1994) (80%)

22.  Rage Against the Machine (1992)

6.  Beastie Boys (1982) (80%)

27.  Nine Inch Nails (1989)

7.  Guns N' Roses (1987) (83%)

26.  Smashing Pumpkins (1991)

10.  Radiohead (1993)

23.  Iron Maiden (1980) (75%)

15.  Green Day (1990) (75%)

18.  The Pretenders (1980)

2.  Pearl Jam (1991) (80%)

31.  Oasis (1994)

Tuesday Top Tens: Worst Board Games and Athletes Who Beat Cancer

I've been in a bit of a post-Rocktober post-writing slump.  When you combine that with the mescaline, my ability to come up with a cogent non-Kokopelli related Tuesday Top Ten is less than stellar.  Thankfully, people keep taking advantage of my vivid hallucinations by sending me top ten lists.  This week, we have two.  


The good people at Best Online Colleges sent me the link to their list of the Ten Worst Board Games Ever Created.  While I strongly disagree with the inclusion of Mouse Trap (the greatest board game I never owned), games like "Who's Your Daddy?" and "Who's Having This Baby Anyway?" ("the first person to dilate 10 centimeters wins the game").


And the good people at Medical Billing & Coding sent me the link to their list of the Ten Famous Athletes Who Managed to Beat Cancer.  Joe Frazier did not make the list.

Undefeated After Week 10

The Hoosiers played relatively well against O$U, with a chance to tie the game late in the 4th quarter.  Unfortunately, Tre Roberson threw an interception, and then the Buckeyes scored again, for a 34-20 final.  It was the closest we've come against O$U since Antwaan Randle El's senior year, 2001, when IU lost 27-13, and it was the most points IU has scored against O$U since a 27-27 tie in 1990.  I realize all this means nothing in the win column, but it at least appears to be a step in the right direction, especially after giving up 41 or more points in each of the prior four weeks.

More importantly in the college football landscape, as in years past, I'll be breaking down the remaining undefeated teams each week.   You've been waiting for this with bated breath, and I can't in good conscience make you wait any longer.  And for the few of you that haven't, please understand that I love college football more than you do.

This past Saturday saw the latest "game of the century," as #1 LSU beat #2 Alabama 9-6 in a game that set back "games of the century" about 45 years (November 19, 1966 to be exact, when #1 Notre Dame and #2 Michigan State played to a 10-10 tie in another "game of the century").  Frankly, when there is a "game of the century," I expect the scoring to entail more than 5 field goals.  Give me 42-39 O$U/Michigan in 2006 or 31-24 Notre Dame/Florida State in 1993.  Those games, even if the wrong team won both times, at least lived up to the hype.

If nothing else, it means that there is now one less undefeated team in the FBS, leaving only five left, which is one more than we had last year at this time.

None of the remaining undefeateds have an easy road.  Each team plays at least two teams with winning records, and each team's remaining opponents' combined record is .500 or better.  In addition, the top 3 remaining undefeateds each play another team in the BCS Top 10 (not including conference championship games).  That said, there is a good chance that all five teams could win out, which would essentially mean the BCS haters and D-1 playoff supporters would be going bat shit nuts.

Here is a breakdown of the undefeated teams and each team's remaining games (rankings are BCS rankings):

#1  LSU (9-0)

11/12 – Western Kentucky (5-4)

11/19 – at Mississippi (2-7)

11/25 – #8 Arkansas (8-1)

12/3 – SEC Championship game (TBD)

                                     

Remaining opponents' combined record:  15-12 (.556)

#2 Oklahoma State (9-0)

11/12 – at Texas Tech (5-4)

11/18 – at Iowa State (5-4)

12/3 - #7 Oklahoma (8-1)

Remaining opponents' combined record:  18-9 (.667)

#4 Stanford (9-0)

11/12 - #6 Oregon (8-1)

11/19 – California (5-4)

11/26 – Notre Dame (6-3)

12/2 – Pac-12 Championship game (TBD)

Remaining opponents' combined record:  19-8 (.704)

#5 Boise State (8-0)

11/12 – TCU (7-2)

11/19 – at San Diego State (5-3)

11/26 – Wyoming (5-3)

12/3 – New Mexico (0-9)

Remaining opponents' combined record:  17-17 (.500)

#11 Houston (9-0)

11/10 – at Tulane (2-8)

11/19 – SMU (6-3)

11/25 – at Tulsa (6-3)

12/3 – Conference USA Championship game (TBD)

Remaining opponents' combined record:  14-14 (.500)

Best Band of Our Generation: Quarterfinals Update

The Cinderella run continues for 24-seed Mötley Crüe, who are establishing themselves as this tournament's VCU.  They held off 1-seed U2 56% to 44% in an overtime match-up after voting was tied at the end of the regulation, and an extra two days was needed to determine the winner.  Apparently people were able to forgive Generation Swine more than Pop.  The next quarterfinal match-up is a nickname for a Duesenburg:  Def Leppard vs. Metallica.


(For details and background about the Best Band of Our Generation countdown, click here.)

Here are the results so far.  Winners are in green.

Quarterfinals

1.  U2 (1980)

24.  Mötley Crüe (1981) (56%)

5.  Def Leppard (1980)

4.  Metallica (1983)

14.  Huey Lewis and The News (1980)

11.  Weezer (1994)

7.  Guns N' Roses (1987)

2.  Pearl Jam (1991)

Round 2

1.  U2 (1980) (57%)

16.  Foo Fighters (1995)

24.  Mötley Crüe (1981) (60%)

8.  Nirvana (1989)

5.  Def Leppard (1980) (63%)

12.  Bon Jovi (1984)

20.  The White Stripes (1999)

4.  Metallica (1983) (83%)

30.  Stone Temple Pilots (1992)

14.  Huey Lewis and The News (1980) (80%)

11.  Weezer (1994) (75%)

6.  Beastie Boys (1982)

7.  Guns N' Roses (1987) (60%)

23.  Iron Maiden (1980)

15.  Green Day (1990) 

2.  Pearl Jam (1991) (100%)

Round 1

1.  U2 (1980) (60%)

32.  The Pixies (1987)

16.  Foo Fighters (1995) (75%)

17.  The Cure (1980)

9.  Red Hot Chili Peppers (1984)

24.  Mötley Crüe (1981) (80%)

8.  Nirvana (1989) (67%)

25.  The Black Crowes (1990)

5.  Def Leppard (1980) (86%)

28.  Poison (1986)

12.  Bon Jovi (1984) (100%)

21.  Depeche Mode (1981)

13.  Dave Matthews Band (1994)

20.  The White Stripes (1999) (80%)

4.  Metallica (1983) (100%)

29.  Soundgarden (1988)

3.  R.E.M. (1982)

30.  Stone Temple Pilots (1992) (60%)

14.  Huey Lewis and The News (1980) (67%)

19.  Duran Duran (1981)

11.  Weezer (1994) (80%)

22.  Rage Against the Machine (1992)

6.  Beastie Boys (1982) (80%)

27.  Nine Inch Nails (1989)

7.  Guns N' Roses (1987) (83%)

26.  Smashing Pumpkins (1991)

10.  Radiohead (1993)

23.  Iron Maiden (1980) (75%)

15.  Green Day (1990) (75%)

18.  The Pretenders (1980)

2.  Pearl Jam (1991) (80%)

31.  Oasis (1994)

Voting Extended!

U2 and Motley Crue were tied when their poll was supposed to end last night, so I have extended the voting until tomorrow night.  If you haven't voted yet, please rock the vote.  This determines who goes to the semis.  Am I wrong?