GMYH Health Update: Week 6

After six weeks (actually seven, but I combined two of them into one when I was out of town for 5 days) on the Abs Diet, I have completed the program. The weight loss was good. The fat loss leaves something to be desired, but I'm still adjusting my eating habits. I think that anyone who does this will lose weight. Like anything, you have to stick to it, which I wasn't always able to do (going away for the weekend kind of kills your ability to control your eating options and your ability to work out). A lot of people may think that they can't lose weight, but shit, if I can lose 10 pounds in 6 weeks, so can you. Just make the time to work out (the Abs Diet workouts are only 30 minutes a day) and put effort into what you eat, and you can probably lose a lot more than 10 pounds. Think about this stat: it only takes 1.8% of your week to work out 30 minutes a day for 6 days each week. You can do it before work, at lunch, after work, or in the middle of the night if you're a vampire. Once you start working out regularly, it becomes a regular part of your life and you don't come up with BS excuses not to go to the gym.

One of the nice things about the Abs Diet is that it doesn't just hang you out to dry after those initial six weeks. It gives you a "maintenance" workout plan (4 days a week instead of 5-6), and explains that you should still maintain the same eating habits (which isn't hard, since you eat most of the stuff the book says to eat anyway, and you're used to it by this time anyway), although instead of getting one meal a week to eat whatever you want, you get one day a week to eat whatever you want. Supposedly, if you continue doing this, you will maintain your current weight. I still have a couple more pounds I want to lose, certainly more fat that I want to lose, and I want to get my BMI into the "normal weight" range, which is between 18.5 and 24.9 (which means I have to get down to 168.9 pounds). So I'm going to still limit myself to one meal a week of anything I want, rather than one whole day, and I'm going to try to workout 5 times a week instead of 4 until I get to my desired weight/fat%/BMI.

Anyway, here are the final vitals:

Weight:
Start: 182.8
Week 1: 179.4 (-3.4)
Week 2: 177.4 (-2.0)
Week 3: 176.4 (-1.0)
Week 4: 174.6 (-1.8)
Week 5: 173.4 (-1.2)
Week 6: 172.6 (-0.8)
Total Difference = -10.2

BMI:
Start: 27.0
Week 1: 26.5 (-0.5)
Week 2: 26.2 (-0.3)
Week 3: 26.0 (-0.2)
Week 4: 25.8 (-0.2)
Week 5: 25.6 (-0.2)
Week 6: 25.5 (-0.1)
Total Difference = -1.5

Body Fat:
Start: 25.6%
Week 1: 24.8% (-0.8)
Week 2: 24.4% (-0.4%)
Week 3: 24.4% (--)
Week 4: 24.2% (-0.2%)
Week 5: 23.7% (-0.5%)
Week 6: 23.5% (-0.2%)
Total Difference = -2.1%

"You Think The Carpet Pissers Did This?"

One tell-tale sign that your life has taken a horribly wrong turn is when you find yourself drinking a child's urine to fulfill spiritual needs. A Columbus man by the name of Alan Patton (no relation to General) was arrested after staring at a little boy's wee wee in a movie theater bathroom. It turns out (and Patton admitted) that he likes to drink the urine of young boys. And it's not just a passing fancy. He's been doing it for over 40 fucking years and he has an elaborate system in place to collect said prepubescent urine. My favorite part of the story was Patton's reasoning behind it: "I like it because it makes me closer to them -- like I'm drinking their youth." It makes you closer to them? Drinking their youth? Why couldn't he have just done what normal people do, like drill a small hole in their head to insert diluted hydrochloric acid in order to make them sexually submissive zombies? This Patton guy obviously doesn't have the balls that Dahmer had himself or kept in the freezer. What a coward.

But there is a silver lining to this golden cloud: it's pretty safe to assume that Patton is going to get raped and murdered in jail, not necessarily in that order.

Kudos to Ryan "Pissed Off" Christoff for sending me the link to this one, as well as Tradd "The Video Artist" Fromme for sending Ryan the link.

Slangin' Keys in the Nasty with The Dude

It was a banner weekend for the GMYH crew. And by GMYH crew, I am referring to me. Anywho, the wife and I headed down to Cincinnati Friday night to see the Black Keys concert. Joining us for the show were John "Hamburger Helper" Ashcraft, Brian "Intern" Ezell, "NaviKate" Rohrer, Mike "Kate's Male Friend" Ullmer, Jenn "Not a Rookie" Weisgerber, Marc "Tron" Wiesinski, a couple of Intern's friends (including some chick named Catherine who will come (pun intended) into play later), and a couple of Jenn's friends. Many of us met at Marc and Brian's house in Mt. Lookout before the show. It was then when I was introduced to Sparks, an alcoholic energy drink that tastes like Sweet Tarts and hits like Mike Tyson. Brian swears by the stuff. And to his credit, he's got one convert.

Anyway, the show was at Bogart's, which is apparently on UC's main bar drag. I would describe Bogart's as an old VFW hall that gets cooler bands. Plus they sold those massive Foster's cans. Did you know that Foster's is Australian for beer? So I downed a couple of those while watching the Black Keys rock the hizzie. Here's a picture. Notice the totally awesome high school talent show silver back drop.

After the show, we all went back to Marc and Brian's house, where we had a couple more drinks, I jumped over a driveway, and then we headed out to some bar called The Shade or The Shape or something that started with an S. The bar was pretty cool, or at least could have been cool, had they not had a shitty DJ and just played from what looked to be an excellent and funtional juke box. At some point between the concert and arriving at The Shade, Catherine (who lives next door to Marc and Brian) went from mildly intoxicated to Irish funeral drunk. It comes out that she has wanted Brian for a while (apparently this wasn't big news). So then Catherine and Brian go back to her place, where Brian says all that happened is that they watched a Grey's Anatomy DVD, which definitely explains why he didn't return home until noon on Saturday. No matter what happened, I wrote a song about their torrid love affair, and I think I should share it with all of you. I call it "Next Door Man (Catherine)"

Verse 1:
I love you Catherine
Even more than heroin
I think that we should live together
Even if your roomate Heather
Doesn't move out
Once school's out

Chorus:
Catherine, there's a yard between us
But that didn't stop you from wanting my penis
Catherine can't you understand
Wanna be more than your next door man

Verse 2:
I dig you neighbor
Even more than Lifesavers
Catherine, now I'm falling for you
I think we should have a kid or two
Maybe next year
If you're still here

Chorus

(extended guitar solo)

Break:
It might have been the Sparks
But I saw you in the dark
And I knew right there
That I'd have your underwear
Just a-hangin' from my teeth
Underneath your satin sheets
And all that noise
That you've made with other boys
Would be nothing compared
To the sound you made in there
When we would consecrate
What I thought I'd really hate
Oh yeah!

Verse 3:
I'll see you Catherine
Every time I frown or grin
Let's not make things awkward yet
Because you still have my Erector set
And I'll want it back
And you in the sack

Chrous 2x

See, now wasn't that cathartic? I know it was for me.

Saturday was just as good. Kate and Mike left at the asscrack of dawn to go to the OSU/Michigan basketball game in Columbus. Marc, Jester, Brian, and I had lunch at Zip's, which is a bar/restaurant a couple blocks from Marc and Brian's house. Their specialty is the Girth Burger, which is a hamburger with a split mettwurst sausage on top of it. Pure genius.

During the afternoon, Brian bought a 1000-piece puzzle because I told him I'd give him a dollar if he finished it by the end of the night (I still have my dollar). We watched some old game shows on the Gameshow Network. One episode of Family Feud we saw featured one of the worst/funniest answers we had ever heard. It was the final round, and a daughter and father were the chosen contestants. The daughter gets a pedestrian 88 points in her half, so that father has some work cut out for him if they want to win. The first question is "Name a profession that is considered dangerous." The daughter said "policeman," which was the #1 answer. What does the dad say? Fireman? No. Stuntman? No. Football player? No. This SOB says "Steeple painter." Yes, steeple painter. We were rolling for a couple minutes. I haven't laughed that hard since Gacy got executed back in '94.

Saturday evening, Marc and Brian hosted Mini-Lebowskifest, which involved the inhalation of White Russians and the viewing of The Big Lebowski. Joining us for that were the following nihilists: Amy "Bunny" Belanger, Jamie "Marmot" Belanger, Aiden "AC" Belanger, Holt "Uli" Hedrick, Chris "Smokey" Stoll (whose girlfriend is Catherine's roommate--yes, the very same Catherine who I wrote a song about), and Chris's girlfriend Kim.

The movie was as funny as ever. And I thought of a sweet name for a band (if it doesn't already exist): The Royal We. Aside from the drinking, Jamie once again endangered the life of AC. Not by allowing him to date Spano or accidentally killing his pet lizard while he was on vacation, but by letting him have full access to Jamie's Coors Light bottle (as shown in the picture below).

Don't get me wrong, I love to see babies get drunk as much as the next guy, but when AC gets drunk, he always talks about how he fucked things up with Jessie and how he wishes he would have gone to Iowa on a wrestling scholarship instead of Cal U. In fact, he goes on and on about how "the College Years" were just one big mistake all together.

After the movie, Marc's special lady friend, Maggie (aka Mag Dog), arrived from Chicago. She missed the I-65 exit on I-90, so she just took I-90 all the way to I-75, and took that all the way down. For those of you who might be curious about whether this is a good idea, I will refer you to elementary geometry, which teaches us that a triangle's hypotenuse will always be shorter than the other two sides combined. Anyway, it turns out that Mag Dog and I grew up only about 5 minutes from each other, and that she and I went to the same church growing up (shout out to Fr. Gallagher, Fr. Klees, Ray Ray, and the rest of the St. Cletus posse--holla!), and that we would have gone to the same high school, except she went to the nearest Catholic school instead of walking the same hallowed halls as David Hasselhoff once walked at Lyons Township. Either way, it's pretty random.

So then all of us (minus the Belangers--they had to take AC home before he tried to put someone in a Figure Four) went to Mt. Lookout Tavern, known colloquially as MLTs. We drank some drinks there, listened to a band that was pretty good (or so I don't remember), and hopefully got Holt liquored up enough to remember that he didn't hook up with anyone on his birthday weekend. Oh, and at the end of the night, Brian went next door for some reason. Probably to watch whatever episodes of season one of Grey's Anatomy he hadn't yet seen.

And for those worried about Mr. 10,000's biography, don't worry, its coming.

"Read 'Em and Weep, The Dead Man's Hand Again"

It's a Hair Band Friday for the ages, folks. The day started out quite demurely. I was doing some unbelievable legal research, which I'll admit was getting some of the ladies pretty hot. But then the news of the US Men's Curling team's Bronze Medal victory over the Brits came across the news wire, and this place went nuts. I was drinking champagne of this random chick's stomach, right before she drank it off mine. We totally made out afterward. Then she stripped and I painted her bronze, and I've been carrying her around my shoulders ever since. Bill walked into my office with a draft of a motion that he wanted me to edit, and then he totally nailed this chick who kept asking him to "bring the hammer," an obvious reference to the curling term referring to the last stone thrown in an end. Needless to say, he threw his stones into her end. I couldn't believe they both fit. It was kind of disgusting, actually. Jade and Lexi, two of the strippers that regularly hang out here on Fridays, were snorting coke off of each other's asses. Simultaneously. A couple others are engaging in your run-of-the-mill halcion-induced auto-erotic asphyxiation. My newly installed hot tub is full of drunk naked chicks performing sex acts on each other with curling brooms. The last three songs roaring from my speakers have been gems: Gorky Park's "Bang," Motorhead's hard-charging "Ace of Spades," and the Scorpions classic, "Big City Nights." The way it's looking right now, this party could go on for days, and I wouldn't be surprised if all of us some how end up in a Bemidji, Minnesota jail before it's all said and done. Long live curling!

"Wild and Wacky" Bagels

Every now and then while I'm doing legal research, I come across a case whose facts make me say "wow." Meyers v. Hot Bagels Factory, 721 N.E.2d 1068 (Ohio App. 1st Dist. 1999), is one of those cases. Here is the court's factual recap (I underlined some particularly important parts):

"[Plaintiff] Kathleen A. Meyers met Steven Clark and Pat Shea for a sandwich at a local restaurant/bagel store known as Marx Hot Bagels. [Defendant] John Marx is the president of [defendant] Hot Bagels Factory, Inc., a company comprised of four bagel stores, including Marx Hot Bagels. Meyers and her companions entered the bagel store, sat at the counter, and ordered their food. At some time Meyers placed a 'to-go' order. At the end of the meal, Clark and Marx engaged in a conversation in which Clark informed Marx that Meyers preferred a competitor's menu. After that conversation, Marx, in the presence of everyone in the store, walked up to Meyers and said, 'You look like a classy lady, what are you doing with him? You must be a really good fuck. Are you a good fuck?' He then proceeded to tell her a sexual anecdote about two customers. At the conclusion, he asked Meyers, 'So are you? Are you a good fuck?' Marx asked Meyers if she w[as] embarrassed. She told him that he was disgusting, that he was humiliating her and that he owed her an apology. As she then turned to get her 'to-go' order, Marx stated, 'I can see you have a nice firm ass. You must really be a good fuck. Are you? Are you really a good fuck?'

Meyers's testimony was substantially corroborated by Clark and Shea. Clark also testified that Marx said, 'Women are only good for fucking.' Shea testified that he heard Clark and Marx engage in banter and that he heard Marx make a comment about Clark being with a younger woman. He said Marx commented that Meyers had 'a nice ass' and 'something like she's got a nice ass or are you fucking her, too.'

Marx testified he had no memory of the incident and that he felt victimized by the lawsuit. A salesman and an employee in the store on the day of the incident testified they did not hear Marx say 'fuck' or 'ass.' The employee testified Marx was aggressive and that a lot of what he did in the restaurant could be misconstrued. He described the atmosphere of the restaurant as 'wild and wacky.'

Subsequently, Meyers described the incident as a 'brutal attack' and a 'verbal rape.' She was upset. Soon after the incident and the filing of this lawsuit, Meyers saw Marx walking in front of her house and became very frightened. Her sister, who also saw Marx that day, described him as stomping past Meyers's house in his uniform, clutching his hat. She testified he 'appeared to have a temper as he was walking past.' After seeing Marx in her neighborhood, Meyers put steel bars on all the windows of her house and began to sleep with a baseball bat next to her bed and a golf club next to her son's bed.

After the incident, Meyers was unable to sleep, eat, concentrate, or work, and became less socially active. Her friends and family noticed the difference in her personality and told her she needed to seek professional help. She contacted Dr. Myszak, a psychologist, and had five sessions with her. Dr. Myszak diagnosed Meyers as experiencing post-traumatic stress syndrome."

I'm guessing the answer to Marx's question was probably a solid "no." One thing is for certain, though: Marx Hot Bagels is one wild and wacky place. Who knows what kind of hijinx is in store for its customers? A bucket of pig's blood gets dumped on you as you walk in the door. Watch out! Be careful about ordering iced tea because it's actually one-half iced tea and one-half employee urine. Oops! Tuesdays are Employees Must Have Sex in the Kitchen and Dining Area Days. Not again! Those aren't chunks of onion on that "everything bagel," but boogers instead. Wocka wocka! Better not get the salmon cream cheese because it's actually chock-full of crabs, and I don't mean the kind you find in the ocean. Whoo-ahh! You open up your 'to-go' bag to find out it's not cream cheese slathered between the halves of your bagel, but human feces instead. Gotcha! When they get your order wrong and you ask them to change it, you get depantsed in front of everyone in the store and the owner himself hosts a Friar's Club Roast about your genitalia. Shazam! You'll have to visit to find out what wacky antics those guys are up to today! Whatever it is, it's undoubtedly wild!

US Curling Update - Bronze Gods

The US Men's Curling team, led by the fiesty and sometimes controversial pizzeria owner Pete Fenson (pictured to the left), has done what no other US curling team (men or women) has done before: bring home an Olympic curling medal. They held off the British team, 8-6, in the Bronze Medal game. As soon as the final stone was thrown, celebrations swept across northern Minnesota like the winds of an Alberta Clipper. At Dave's Pizza in Bemidji (Fenson's pizzeria), the champagne was flowing like wine. Chicks were making out with each other on top of tables, and no one in this normally reserved town even cared aboot it, dontcha know.

GMYH sends its heartfelt congratulations to Fenson, Joe Polo, Shawn Rojeski, and John Shuster for starting what will hopefully be a long and fruitful American curling tradition. When it comes to curling, we may be the new kids on the block, but at least we don't wear stupid fedoras and vests over t-shirts and sing totally girly songs.

US Curling Update - 2/24/06

The US Men are currently competing against a bunch of limey bastards for the Bronze. You can watch it live on MSNBC, or follow along live on www.nbcolympics.com. I bet FDR and Churchill are having a good laugh about it in heaven, both of them absolutely hammered, by the way.

Mr. 10,000 on the Way

Sometime in the next couple days, I'll post Mr. 10,000's bio. From now on, I think I'm going to do the bios in a timeline format, so that you ungrateful SOBs don't complain about how long the posts are. In case you don't know, it's hard to put a limit on an entire life, much less those as eventful as my friends'. Instead of complaining, maybe you should be happy that you directly or tangentially know people whose lives are far more interesting than yours.

By the way, I'm currently watching "Chicago Blues Jam" on BET Jazz. Tonight, it's a Muddy Waters tribute show, in honor of what would have been his 79th birthday (it must be from at least a few years ago, since his birthday is in April and he was born in either 1913 or 1915). Anyway, it's pretty good.

GMYH All-Star Albums

Here at GMYH, we love music, even more than we love curling. So, I figured it was high time to create some completely arbitrary and meaningless list of my 50 favorite albums. If I was stranded on a desert island and for some reason had access to electricity and a CD player, these are the albums I would want with me while I lost unhealthy amounts of weight and befriended a volleyball. Excluded from this list are greatest hits albums, compilations (which unfortunately excludes much of my blues collection), and soundtracks. Just for shits and giggles, I excluded multiple albums from the same artist. And of course, I included only albums that I own. So, without further ado, I present the GMYH All-Star Albums:

First Team (in order)

1. Derek & The Dominos - Layla & Other Assorted Love Songs (1970). The combination of rock gods, south Florida, and enough booze, coke, and heroin to kill Keith Richards is usually a combination that results in great music. Combine that with a guy who's desperately in love with his best friend's wife, and you have a masterpiece. With Eric Clapton's heartbreak, Duane Allman's slide guitar, and Bobby Whitlock and Clapton's songwriting (and some other guys' contributions), this group churned out a combination of blues ("Nobody Knows You When You're Down And Out"), rock ("Keep On Growing"), and frantic love songs ("Why Does Love Got To Be So Sad?") that is the best post-breakup-crying-alone-in-a-dark-room-while-downing-a-bottle-of-Jack album ever made. The song "Layla," which may as well have been called "Pattie" (for Pattie Boyd Harrison, George's wife, with whom Clapton was in love), might be the best song in rock and roll history. Their version of Jimi Hendrix's "Little Wing" is haunting. In essence, Clapton's genuine despair and heartache shines through in every song. Favorite Songs: "Anyday," "Little Wing"
2. Def Leppard - Hysteria (1987). From the moment I heard "Pour Some Sugar On Me" on Z-95, I loved it, and it soon became (and still is) my favorite song of all-time, even though I didn't fully understand what the song was about until sometime last year. Turns out it was about sex. The Hysteria album was the first album made after Rick Allen's horrific 12/31/84 car accident that left him with only one arm, and Allen had a special drum kit engineered so that he could play with his left foot what he had previously played with his left arm. Hysteria is, in my opinion, the best album of the glorious and decadent Hair Band Era. It had four top 10 songs, Def Leppard's only #1 song ("Love Bites"), and is one of three albums ever that has charted seven singles or more on the US Hot 100: "Women" (#80), "Animal" (#19), "Hysteria" (#10), "Pour Some Sugar On Me" (#2), "Love Bites" (#1), "Armageddon It" (#3), and "Rocket" (#12). It's an album that I can still listen to over and over again and not get tired of it. Favorite Songs: "Pour Some Sugar On Me," "Women"
3. The Beatles - The Beatles (aka, The White Album) (1968). Picking my favorite Beatles album is like picking my favorite sexual position. I love 'em all, but the weirdest one that takes the most time wins. The White Album is my favorite Beatles album because of its diversity of song types. The White Album has hard rock ("Helter Skelter"), ballads ("Julia"), social commentary ("Piggies"), love songs ("I Will"), soul ("Why Don't We Do It In the Road?"), double entendre ("Happiness Is a Warm Gun"), vaudevillian throwbacks ("Honey Pie"), blues ("Yer Blues"), fun songs ("Ob-La-Di Ob-La-Da," "Rocky Raccoon"), and some straight-up weird shit ("Revolution 9"). The Beatles seamlessly combined all of that into an epic double album. Favorite Songs: "Happiness Is a Warm Gun," "Sexy Sadie"
4. The Jimi Hendrix Experience - Axis: Bold As Love (1967). I love Jimi Hendrix, and picking out a favorite album was tough, but Axis: Bold As Love edged the others out. The album featured innovative, pioneering guitar techniques, and it was on this album that Jimi's songwriting really blossomed, almost to the point where it matched his guitar playing (although it's probably impossible for anything to match his guitar playing). Many songs on the album feature imaginative (probably acid-induced) lyrics ("Up From the Skies," "Spanish Castle Magic," "One Rainy Wish," "Bold As Love"), including "Little Wing," which I consider to be Jimi's best written song ever. "One Rainy Wish" features my favorite Hendrix moment, which occurs at the end of the first verse, when the guitar kind of hangs on to a note and that then the chorus starts ("I have never laid eyes on you..."). I get chills every time I hear it. Seriously. Favorite Songs: "Little Wing," "One Rainy Wish"
5. The Doors - The Doors (1967). My dad used to play this album for me when I was a kid (I do believe it was a tape of his LP). This was the album that introduced the world to the dark and brilliant songwriting of Jim Morrison (who I think is probably the greatest front man in rock history). A stark contrast to the flower power, hippie-dippy music that ruled the airwaves in 1967, this album featured well-crafted pop ("I Looked At You"), surreal oedipal mini-operas ("The End"), blues covers (Willie Dixon's "Back Door Man"), German drinking songs ("Alabama Song (Whiskey Bar)"), and two of the most famous Doors songs ("Light My Fire" and "Break On Through"). Favorite Songs: "Soul Kitchen," "Take It As It Comes"
6. The White Stripes - White Blood Cells (2002). Choosing a White Stripes album was also tough, but I chose this one because it was the album that broke them onto the national scene and the album that I think, along with the Strokes' first album, really catapulted the new garage rock genre. Also, it was the first White Stripes album I bought, and I was baffled that this much sound could come from only 2 people (and with no bass guitar). Then I found out that it was recorded in less than a week and I nearly shit myself. It's a generally blues-inspired album (as are most of their albums), featuring their first commercial hits ("Fell In Love With a Girl," "Dead Leaves On the Dirty Ground," and "We're Going to Be Friends"), songs inspired by (and completely comprised of lines from) Citizen Kane ("The Union Forever"), and sardonic and sometimes cold views about love and relationships ("Expecting," "I'm Finding It Harder to Be a Gentleman," "Offend In Every Way," "I Can't Wait," "Now Mary"). Favorite Songs: "Hotel Yorba," "Offend In Every Way"
7. Guns 'N Roses - Appetite For Destruction (1987). I'll never forget where I was the first time I heard Slash's now-famous intro to "Sweet Child O' Mine": sitting on the floor of my friend Patrick Kelley's living room in Germantown, Tennessee when it came on MTV. It was one of those "holy shit" moments. Appetite For Destruction was everything that a 9-year-old could want: ball-busting rock and roll, peppered with swearing, in an album that featured a cartoon of a naked chick's would-be robo-skeletal rapist about to be killed by some giant bug with knives for teeth. I couldn't believe my mom actually let me buy it. Needless to say, it's a great album that has stood the test of time better than expected. Favorite Songs: "Rocket Queen," "Mr. Brownstone"
8. N.W.A. - Straight Outta Compton (1989). I went under my parents' nose for this one. I'm not sure that any album has better exemplified my struggles growing up as a middle-class white male in LaGrange, Illinois than Straight Outta Compton. But seriously, I love this album. As a middle-school student, its brutally honest subject matter opened my eyes to things that I had never really thought about before (cops being evil, drug abuse, drug dealing, gang violence, life in the hood, etc.). It's one of the few albums I can go years without listening to and still remember every word. I consider this album to be the most influential rap album of all-time, ushering in the gangsta rap era and influencing rap and hip-hop for years to come. How could it not be when it was made by a group comprised of Ice Cube, Dr. Dre, Eazy-E, MC Ren, and Yella? Favorite Songs: "Fuck Tha Police," "8 Ball"
9. Beck - Odelay (1996). It's Beck at his best: weird, innovative, musically interesting, and catchy, all at the same time. Plus, he played all the instruments, or so I read once. You've probably heard "Where It's At," "New Pollution," Jack-Ass," or "Devil's Haircut," and you know how awesome those songs are. The rest of the album is just as good. I don't know what else to say about it. Favorite Songs: "Lord Only Knows," "Novacane"
10. Velvet Underground - Velvet Underground and Nico (1967). A lot of people don't like Velvet Underground, and that's because a lot of people are idiots. This was their debut album, made while they were still affiliated with Andy Warhol, and it featured honest and gritty lyrics (mainly courtesy of Lou Reed) combined with edgy, unpolished, and sometimes experimental music (they had a viola player, for Christ's sake). It was basically punk rock before there was such a thing, except the lyrics were better and it was far more intricate. And to top it off, they had a German supermodel (Nico) sing some of the songs ("Femme Fatale," "All Tomorrow's Parties," and "I'll Be Your Mirror"). The album featured poppy songs ("Sunday Morning"), eerie love songs ("I'll Be Your Mirror"), songs about waiting for a drug dealer ("I'm Waiting For The Man"), songs that could very well be featured in a Fellini film ("Black Angel's Death Song"), and seven-minute songs about heroin addiction featuring a droning viola ("Heroin"). Favorite Songs: "Heroin," "I'll Be Your Mirror"

Second Team (in order)

1. Outkast - Speakerboxx/The Love Below (2003). A phenomenal double album that really can't be characterized as fitting into one particular genre. "Hey Ya!" is one of the best pop songs ever written. Favorite Songs: "Hey Ya!," "The Rooster"
2. Bruce Springsteen - Born to Run (1975). Somehow I just got this album on CD for Christmas (I have it on vinyl, but only listened to it once or twice), and I can't stop listening to it. It has a strange combination of sincerity, hope, and frantic youthfulness. At some point in the future, it very well may be on the First Team. Favorite Songs: "Thunder Road," "Born to Run"
3. Weezer - Weezer (the Blue Album) (1994). A great debut album with well-written and catchy songs. I can listen to it over and over without getting sick of it. Favorite Songs: "No One Else," "The World Has Turned and Left Me Here"
4. Nirvana - Nevermind (1991). This album brought grunge to the forefront, changed music forever, and started Kurt Cobain's downfall. Favorite Songs: "Breed," "Lounge Act"
5. The Allman Brothers Band - The Fillmore Concerts (1971). One of the best live albums ever, taped about seven months before Duane Allman died (six years to the day before I was born). Favorite Songs: "In Memory of Elizabeth Reed," "One Way Out"
6. Otis Redding - Otis Blue (1966). I think Otis Redding is the best soul singer ever, and this is the album (in which he was backed by Booker T. & The MGs) that put him on the map. Favorite Songs: "I've Been Loving You Too Long," "Rock Me Baby"
7. Led Zeppelin - Led Zeppelin II (1969). Straight English blues and hard rock, ushering in the beginnings of heavy metal. Favorite Songs: "What Is and What Should Never Be," "Bring It On Home"
8. Snoop Doggy Dogg - Doggystyle (1993). My second favorite rap album is a classic that you all should own or at least know, bi-atch. Favorite Songs: "Ain't No Fun," "Gz and Hustlas"
9. The Rolling Stones - Sticky Fingers (1971). This is my favorite Stones album because it's raw, bluesy, sometimes sentimental, and the kind of album that you can just get wrecked to. Plus, it's original cover, designed by Andy Warhol and complete with a real zipper, is one of the better album covers ever. Favorite Songs: "Can't You Hear Me Knocking," "Moonlight Mile"
10. The Sex Pistols - Never Mind the Bollocks Here's the Sex Pistols (1977). Released the day before I was born, it's probably the biggest "fuck you" album of all-time, and probably the most influential punk album. Favorite Songs: "Bodies," "Pretty Vacant"

Honorable Mention (alphabetically by artist)

1. 50 Cent - Get Rich or Die Tryin' (2003)
2. The Beach Boys - Pet Sounds (1966)
3. Beastie Boys - Paul's Boutique (1989)
4. The Black Crowes - The Southern Harmony and Musical Companion (1992)
5. The Black Keys - Rubber Factory (2004)
6. Creedence Clearwater Revival - Willy and The Poor Boys (1969)
7. Dr. Dre - The Chronic (1992)
8. Bob Dylan - Highway 61 Revisted (1965)
9. Fatboy Slim - You've Come A Long Way, Baby (1998)
10. Foo Fighters - The Colour and the Shape (1997)
11. Marvin Gaye - What's Going On (1971)
12. George Harrison - All Things Must Pass (1970)
13. Kaiser Chiefs - Employment (2005)
14. The Killers - Hot Fuss (2004)
15. King Konga - Halo (1999)
16. KISS - Alive II (1977)
17. Louis XIV - The Best Little Secrets Are Kept (2005)
18. John Mellencamp - Scarecrow (1985)
19. Van Morrison - Moondance (1970)
20. Mötley Crüe - Dr. Feelgood (1989)
21. Of a Revolution (O.A.R) - The Wanderer (1997)
22. Pearl Jam - Ten (1991)
23. Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers - Damn the Torpedoes (1979)
24. Razorlight - Up All Night (2005)
25. Santana - Santana III (1971)
26. Skid Row - Skid Row (1989)
27. Stone Temple Pilots - Core (1992)
28. The Strokes - Is This It? (2001)
29. Muddy Waters - Muddy "Mississippi" Waters Live (1979)
30. Andrew W.K. - I Get Wet (2002)

So there it is. Deal with it.

US Curling Update - 2/22/06

Don't forget to tune in today for the US Men's team's semifinal match against archrival Canada. For those who have Al Gore's internet, you can follow along online at 7pm TT (1pm EST). I find NBC's Olympics site to be more than adequate. For those of you who like the suspense and want to watch it on TV, it will be airing on CNBC at 5pm EST. No matter what your choice may be, you owe it to these ice warriors to follow along in some fashion.

Biathlon

So this morning while I was on the treadmill and then eating breakfast, I was watching the Men's 4 x 7.5km relay in the biathlon. For those of you who don't know what the biathlon is, it combines two very closely related activities: cross-country skiing and shooting a rifle. The competitors in this particular relay completed 3 2.5km laps each. In between laps, the competitor stops at a shooting range and takes a .22 rifle off his back and has to hit 4 (after the first lap) and 5 (after the second lap) silver-dollar-sized targets 60 yards away. They have 3 spare bullets per lap, but if they end up missing any targets, then they have to do a penalty loop, which I think takes 30-45 seconds. Essentially, the shooting is just as important, if not more, than the cross-country skiing because a couple misses mean that you have to reload your rifle, losing valuable time.

The US team (who has never finished higher than 6th) was leading after the first leg, when our leadoff man, Jay Hakkinen, got out to a shockingly fast start. We ended up finishing 9th because of our lack of shooting accuracy. The second guy (Tim Burke) had to use all 6 spare bullets, the third guy (Lowell Bailey) had to use 4 spares, and the fourth guy (Jeremy Teela) had to use 4 spares, including 3 on the final with a costly miss. And Teela's in the damn US Army, for Christ's sake. You would think that a country with the right to bear arms would be able to put up a better showing in an event like this. We can't find some military marksmen who we can teach to cross-country ski? Instead, looking at the teams in front of us, we got our asses handed to us by:

1. Germany - Even without much of a military presence over the past 60 years, they still have damn good precision and efficiency.
2. Russia - I would have expected them to do well when it was the USSR, since I'm sure they had some sort of national biathlon training school where future Olympians were hand-picked by age 5 and all they did year-round was train for the biathlon. No medal meant no more living.
3. France - Yes, the very same France whose military hasn't fired a gun since the Battle of Waterloo.
4. Sweden - Do they even have guns in Sweden? I know they have hot chicks, safe cars, meatballs, and national health care that mocks the rest of the world, but guns? I don't think so.
5. Norway - Under the strict and unforgiving tutelage of Thor, the marriage of fjords and riflery has been a strong one.
6. Czech Republic - We got beat by Bohemians.
7. Ukraine - That guy on the subway in Seinfeld was right: Ukraine is not weak. I guess I was fooled by the fact that it's been every country's bitch for the last 650 years (even Poland--ouch).
8. Italy - Being half Dego myself, I can't really see anything wrong with the Italians finishing in front of the Americans. I'm just surprised the rifles and ski poles didn't fall out of their olive-oil-soaked hands.

Brokeback to the Future

In case you haven't seen this, it's very well done. If you like funny things, you should enjoy it.

Great Bush Online Game Site

Special thanks go out to Alex "P. Keaton" Bailenson for sending me the link to this sweet Bush Presidency online game site. The Bush Royal Rampage game is pretty good, as is the Bush Shoot Out. Enjoy

US Curling Update - 2/20/06

The past few days have been of vital importance to the US Men's and Women's curling squads. On the men's side, the US team defied the odds to go 6-3 in the Round Robin, which was good enough to advance to the medal round. They will battle Canada (to whom they lost today in a meaningless final match) in the semifinals on Wednesday at 7pm TT (1pm EST). It should be a close, hard-fought match. I have no doubt that US skip Pete Fenson will be ready to drop the hammer on the Canadians, both figuratively and literally. A win over the Canadians ensures America's best medal ever (and second medal ever) in curling.

The US Women's Olympic dreams have officially been crushed into oblivion. Relying heavily on the maxim that it's better to burn out than fade away, the lovely ladies of the ice ended up at 2-7, a far cry from their 2nd place showing at last year's World Championships in Paisley, Scotland. In Tornio, they lost 4 matches by a combined 4 points, including 3 of those in extra ends. Those four games were the difference between 2-7 and the medal round. In their last match, against Great Britain, the US women conceded after the 6th end while down 10-4. A sad ending to a horrifying Olympics for what many in and out of the sport believe to be the hottest women's curling team of all-time.

To say that the US Women's team's performace was a disappointment would be as profound as saying that Lindsey Jacobellis is a moron or that Bode Miller deserves a merciless cock punching. They missed their chance at becoming the Mary Lou Rettons of these 20th Winter Olympic Games. At least skip Cassie Johnson (pictured), a Scorpio seductress with the eyes of a wolf and the girl-next-door doability of a young Jennifer Love Hewitt, will be able to fall back on her graphic design degree from Bemidji State.

"And I'd Say We're Still Kicking Ass"

Most of the weekend's events are wholly inconsequential in light of last night's main event. While you SOBs were watching Desperate Housewives, I was rocking out to none other than Mötley fucking Crüe in Dayton's beautiful Nutter Center. It was fantastic. The Carnival of Sin tour is a sordid combination of music, short films, ghoulish characters, flying drummers, scantily clad female trapeze artists, pyschosexual undertones, and outright erotic debauchery, with the kind of massive, yet controlled, pyrotechnics that would make Great White say "man, we should've used those guys" (too soon?).

Joining me for the show were Holt "Too Fast for Love" Hedrick and Ian "Shout at the Devil" Taronji, and I think I speak for both of them when I say that we were more than overjoyed with the 2 1/2 hour performance.

Vince Neil (real name Vincent Neil Wharton) came out wearing a red cod piece and a white denim jacket that said "Fuck Off" on the back. He was hitting high notes like it was 1981 at the Troubadour. Nikki Sixx (real name Frank Carlton Serafino Ferranno) was glammed up, complete with dark lipstick, eye shadow, and a noticeable lack of heroin. Mick Mars (real name Robert Alan Deal), a walking soul and the oldest member of the band by 7 years, continued to be completely incapable of relating to any other human being, but also completely incapable of not wailing on his guitar. And of course Tommy Lee (real name Thomas Lee Bass) had a mohawk and was working the crowd like a high-priced call girl.

Here are some of the highlights from the show:

1. Mullets, mullets, and more mullets. And just when you think you've seen all the mullets you can see, bam, another mullet.
2. There was a good number of tricks walking around wearing ass-length jean skirts and knee-high pleather boots, honestly believing that (1) they had a chance of getting banged by a guy in the group and (2) that said banging would be the turning point in an otherwise meaningless life. My only hope is that a roadie took full advantage of the situation ("sure I can get you backstage, but you have to do something for me first").
3. After saying, "God bless all the titties of America," Tommy Lee busted out Nikki Sixx's video camera and zoomed in on various women throughout the crowd, who he then prodded to show the camera their sometimes luscious boobs, which were then shown on the 2 big screens to the entire arena. With only one exception, every classy woman he targeted showed her tah-tahs to several thousand complete strangers.
4. During "Home Sweet Home," the crowd had a good lighter showing:
5. The years have apparently made the Crüe unable to go a sentence without inserting the word "fucking" before or in the middle of at least three words. For instance, at one point Nikki Sixx said, "You guys fucking have no i-fucking-dea how fucking much you guys fucking rock." Seriously, "i-fucking-dea." I-fucking-'m n-fucking-ot kidd-fucking-ing.
6. In the middle of the show, the rest of the band left the stage while Tommy Lee ran around the floor sections of the crowd, until he was hoisted into the air between 2 hanging drum sets, which were about 20 feet high and about 50 feet apart. One of the drum sets was pretty close to where we were sitting. The first picture below shows him being hoisted into the air from the middle of the crowd. The second shows him playing right above us. The third shows him about to land on the other hanging drum set platform after flying from the one near me. The fourth shows a wider shot of him on the farther drum set.

Needless to say, if you have the chance to see them, do it. You won't be disappointed.

Approaching 10,000

We are less than 100 from the coveted 10,000th visitor to GMYH. If it is you, please let me know, and I will write one hell of a false biography about your life. Good luck.

GMYH Health Update: Week Five

This past week was a mélange of completely insane workouts and overindulgence in spirits. I'm in the last phase of the Abs Diet, where I'm supposed to do three circuits of the weight program, rather than two. That seemed to spark some good weight and fat loss. Only one week left, and all I need is to lose 0.6 pounds this week to get to 10 pounds total. Not bad. Imagine what it could have been if I actually fully stuck to it. Anyway, here are my vitals:

Weight:
Start: 182.8
Week 1: 179.4 (-3.4)
Week 2: 177.4 (-2.0)
Week 3: 176.4 (-1.0)
Week 4: 174.6 (-1.8)
Week 5: 173.4 (-1.2)
Total Difference = -9.4

BMI:
Start: 27.0
Week 1: 26.5 (-0.5)
Week 2: 26.2 (-0.3)
Week 3: 26.0 (-0.2)
Week 4: 25.8 (-0.2)
Week 5: 25.6 (-0.2)
Total Difference = -1.4

Body Fat:
Start: 25.6%
Week 1: 24.8% (-0.8)
Week 2: 24.4% (-0.4%)
Week 3: 24.4% (--)
Week 4: 24.2% (-0.2%)
Week 5: 23.7% (-0.5%)
Total Difference = -1.9%

US Curling Update - 2/16/06

If you looked up "rollercoaster ride" in Webster's Unabridged Dictionary, definition number one would be "the United States curling experience at the 20th Winter Olympiad."

The men dropped their match yesterday to a laughable Italian team, and then came back strong today with a 10-6 stomping of then-first-place Sweden. The men are sitting pretty at 3-2, although that loss to Italy hurt them. They must win tomorrow and Saturday against Germany and Switzerland, respectively, and then split their matches with Canada and Great Britain (who are both currently ties for 1st at 4-1) if the US Men want to ensure that they advance to the medal round.

The women, after crushing Denmark yesterday, fell 5-4 today to the Lady Swedes in another heartbreaking match in extra ends. The women are now at 1-4, with 4 matches left, and essentially out of the running to advance to the medal round. But at least the Johnson sisters still look hotter than any other female curlers.

The wife and I will be heading to a wedding tomorrow, so Hair Band Friday will be on the road. I know this may upset many of you, but you will just have to wait another week to see just how absolutely glorious Fridays can be. Until then, be good to each other.

"Chicks are Dumb"

These prophetic words were spoken sometime in 1999 by my former roommate Chris "Bocce" Ball. He had no idea that his prediction would come true about 7 years later.

You may recall my post about my extremely long weekend about a week and a half ago. In that post, I mentioned a girl who I called Sarah (although it turns out that her name is Elizabeth) who walked in on Joe "The Original Goni" Malangoni while he was pissing and asked him the age-old question "Do you know why I'm here?" After that, of course, Joe told her to leave the bathroom and she did, crying because Joe refused her advances. You may also remember that a married chick named Bonnie then also tried to hook up with Joe, even though she was fully aware that he was engaged and that she herself was married. Joe, of course, rejected her advances, leaving her crying as well.

In a classic "perhaps you misunderstood outright rejection" moment, Elizabeth sent Joe a touching e-mail the Monday after that weekend. (Kudos again to Mike "The Other Goni" Malangoni for having the foresight to forward it to me--at Joe's behest, of course.) Let this be a lesson to all you psycho women out there: if you do something crazy involving someone I know, it will likely end up on the World Wide Web with witty comments inserted.

So, here it is (I have not edited anything except some names, and I have added some commentary, which is bracketed in bold):

"Sent: Monday, February 06, 2006 3:01 PM
Subject: Hey!

Hey Joe! [Do you know why I'm writing you?] It was good to meet you on Saturday [and look at your penis while you were urinating without asking you first]. Thanks for meeting up with us and all the entertainment that ensued. [I'm a fucking loon.] I have been friends with Bonnie for a long time and she has often spoke of you [longingly]. It was great to finally meet you [and see your penis while you were urinating]. I really enjoyed meeting your friends as well [, although not as much as I enjoyed busting into the bathroom to watch you pee]. Bonnie was super emotional on Saturday - I think you may already know that [, since you left her bawling] - but she has been so bogged down with work that I think the alcohol mixed with stress lead to a break-down for her [, which usually means that she forgets that she's married]. I hope that did not put a damper on your evening. It didn't for me since I knew her situation [and tried to take advantage of it by hitting on you because I knew it would make her jealous].

It was great getting to know you [and watch you pee]. If you come back to B-town soon [or ever, for that matter,] feel free to crash at my place [because I'm obviously crazy]. I [really don't] hope that you enjoyed seeing Bonnie again - it is always great to relive those college days [, although I can't tell you how much it means to me that you guys didn't hook up because that means you love me and that we should be together forever and ever and ever].

Are you back in NY now? [Because if you're not, I want to see you.] I know that Bonnie has told me that you are happy in NY with [your fiance] and she is [sexually bored and generally un]happy in IN with [her husband of 2 years who has no idea that his wife is still pining over a guy she dated 8 years ago]. But after meeting you and seeing how awesome you [and your purple-headed warrior] are, I can definitely see why you and Bonnie were close during undergrad. [But she's damaged goods now. I must have you. Can't you see that we were meant for each other? I will not be ingored, Joe.]

Elizabeth"

Folks, I can't make shit up this good. Fucking looney tunes. Women, don't let your friends do this kind of stuff.

US Curling Update - 2/14/06

Today was an up-and-down day for the US Curling family. Still stunned from their 4-3 loss yesterday to the Fins, led by indescribable and unpronouncable skip, Markku Uusipaavalniemi, the US Men's team turned confusion into bloodshed and unleashed a 10-4 thrashing on New Zealand. The Kiwis were so distraught that they conceded the match after the 8th end. The win brought the US Men to 2-1, sitting alone in 3rd place for the moment, behind only Great Britain (2-0) and Sweden (3-0). Up next for the men is a hapless Italian team (1-2) tomorrow at 7pm TT (1pm EST), followed by a huge match against the aforementioned Swedes on Thursday at 2pm TT (8am EST). US skip Pete Fenson has the US Men playing like men possessed, and the rest of the curling community is beginning to take notice. Soon, so will the world.

The US Women, on the other hand, dropped to 0-2 after a demoralizing defeat at the hands of their funnier, yet less attractive and less fashion-conscious, neighbors to the north, Canada. The 11-5 defeat left the US Women with a bad taste in their mouth, but it was a taste that could be sweetened by the tangy and efficient flesh of the Japanese team. In their evening match, the US Women fought nearly to the death with Japan, before falling in extra ends by a final score of 6-5. The loss left the ladies at 0-3--down, but not out, as their upcoming matches give them a chance to beat teams currently ahead of them in the standings. Let's take a look at the ladies' remaining schedule, which includes 6 games in the Round Robin, of which they will probably have to win at least 5 if they have any hope of securing a spot in the semifinals:

1. Denmark (1-1) - 2/15, 2pm TT (8am EST). The Danish team is a stinky and brutish bunch with about as much class as a Copenhagen streetwalker. The US women cannot be intimidated by the Danes' patented Jutland Toss, meant to destroy all stones in its path.
2. Sweden (1-1) - 2/16, 7pm TT (1pm EST). The Swedes, dainty and haughty, cannot be taken lightly, although they are very beatable.
3. Russia (1-1) - 2/17, 2pm TT (8am EST). Hulking and maniacal, the Russian team is a throwback to the genetically engineered Soviet teams that scared the shit out of competitors in Olympics past.
4. Italy (0-2) - 2/18, 7pm TT (1pm EST). The Italians just plain suck. Essentially, they only got in because they are the host country. While the home crowd should be at frenzied levels, this should be an easy victory.
5. Switzerland (2-1) - 2/19, 2pm TT (8am EST). The Swiss team is off to a good start, but they generally end up in the middle somewhere. Generally emotionless and careful not to rock the boat one way or another, these Swiss misses try to lull the competition into a false sense of security.
6. Great Britain (2-0) - 2/20, 7pm TT (1pm EST). In a scenario that was likely dreamed up as part of a delighftully naughty gentlemen's wager by the half-drunk ghosts of King George III and George Washington, the US and British women will battle it out in what will hopefully be a Saratoga-style ass kicking. Fucking lobsterbacks.

Lazy Muncie

Kudos to Mike "Obi" Malangoni for sending me the link to this hilarious Midwestern response to the SNL Lazy Sunday ("Chronic-what-cles of Narnia"). It's pretty damn funny, especially for anyone who has ever lived in Indiana.


As seen on Break.com

Yakkity Yak, Don't Talk Back

It's no secret that I have some messed up dreams every now and then, and for the most part I remember them vividly. Last night was no exception.

It started out innocently enough, as I was riding my BMX bike down 47th St., a 4-lane thoroughfare in LaGrange (my hometown, outisde Chicago). Accompanying me were three women, only one of which I recognized. She was that skateboarding chick Sarah from the Miami Real World (who I just discovered is an IU grad--nice), although she held herself out to be a member of the enormous Turek family that lived about a block from me growing up and I think had about 24 kids in it. While riding our bikes, we made some small talk, and finally figured out that we had grown up a block from each other and that we went to the same church growing up.

Then it started getting weird. All four of us decided to hit the gym, so we went to Lyons Township High School's North Campus fieldhouse, which had apparently been moved to Waiola Park, about 5 blocks from its location for the past 100+ years. Inside the gym, we were for some reason completely unsurprised to see none other than the National Geographic Channel's Dog Whisperer, Cesar Milan, who was conducting a dog obedience class for about 20 dogs and their owners, who were lined up in 2 rows of 10 facing each other.

The four of us flocked to a bench against the wall to watch Cesar work his magic. Cesar had a dog in hand, with collar/muzzle that he felt was effective in preventing dogs from jumping on strangers. In addition to the many tips he had for keeping one's dog in line, Cesar had two enforcers in case any of the dogs tried to run away. One of them was a gigantic talking black and gray yak with red eyes and huge antlers. If a dog tried to run around, this surprisingly agile yak would come barreling toward the dog and try his best to headbutt the dog. The best part is that he talked like Red Foxx. After one particular headbutting (after which the dazed and defeated dog returned to its place in line), the yak came over the bench where the four of us were sitting and said something that I'll never forget. With a smile on his face, he looked at us and said, "yak gonna get ya," and then he started laughing in a way that made me think that very few dogs ever escaped when he was around.

But just in case a giant talking yak wasn't enough to corral disobedient dogs, Cesar had also enlisted the help of a fairly large buck with very large antlers himself. Unfortunately, I didn't have a chance to catch his name, but I assume it was Lamont. Then I'll be damned if I didn't wake up before finding out if Cesar was able to make all those dogs obedient. Maybe tonight.

US Curling Update

My love for curling is almost as well documented as my hatred of Germans. That being said, I'm going insano right now because curling has already started. Forget waiting until tonight to see the replays, I have to follow along on the NBC Olympics website. It's the only thing that keeps me from having a full-on breakout of Olympic Fever.

In the first game of the Round Robin, the US Men's team scored a program-changing upset over defending gold medal winner, Norway, winning 11-5. Currently, the men are just beginning their second match of the day, against Finland, who beat the US during the Round Robin at the 2002 games in Salt Lake. I think I speak for everyone when I say that payback is a motherfucker. Just ask the Norwegians. Click on this link to follow the action (the US is currently up 2-0 after two ends -- an end is to curling as an inning is to baseball).

The US Women's team, led by the tenacious Johnson sisters, Cassie and Jamie, suffered a crushing come-from-behind defeat at the hands of Norway, losing 11-6. After leading 6-4 at the conclusion of the sixth end, the ladies were outscored 7-0 in the last four ends. They have a day to regroup before they face their archnemesis, Canada, tomorrow at 9am TT (Torino time, 3am EST) and the always dangerous and sometimes crass Japanese team at 7pm TT (1pm EST). Granted, there are a lot of stones left to be thrown, but the last thing America's sexy skip Cassie Johnson can do is let her team fall into an 0-3 hole.

Tune into GMYH for curling updates throughout these, the 20th Winter Olympiad.

More Like Scamazon

Just in case any of you get/got this email, I got a very shady email purporting to be from Amazon.com. It was sent from the email address "payments-messages@amazon.com" and the subject line read "Amazon Payments - Billing Issue - [my email address]." Here is the text of the email:

"Dear [my email address],

Greetings from Amazon Payments.

Your bank has contacted us regarding some attempts of charges from your credit card via the Amazon system. We have reasons to believe that you changed your registration information or that someone else has unauthorized access to your Amazon account. Due to recent activity, including possible unauthorized listings placed on your account, we will require a second confirmation of your identity with us in order to allow us to investigate this matter further. Your account is not suspended, but if in 48 hours after you receive this message your account is not confirmed we reserve the right to suspend your Amazon registration. If you received this notice and you are not the authorized account holder, please be aware that it is in violation of Amazon policy to represent oneself as another Amazon user. Such action may also be in violation of local, national, and/or international law. Amazon is committed to assist law enforcement with any inquires related to attempts to misappropriate personal information with the intent to commit fraud or theft. Information will be provided at the request of law enforcement agencies to ensure that perpetrators are prosecuted to the full extent of the law.

To confirm your identity with us click here: https://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/flex-sign-in/ref=pd_irl_gw_r/103-3177084-7567864?opt=oa&page=recs/sign-in-secure.html

After responding to the message, we ask that you allow at least 72 hours for the case to be investigated. Emailing us before that time will result in delays. We apologize in advance for any inconvenience this may cause you and we would like to thank you for your cooperation as we review this matter.

Thank you for your interest in selling at Amazon.com.

Amazon.com Customer Service
http://www.amazon.com

This message and any files or documents attached may contain classified information. It is intended only for the individual or entity named and others authorized to receive it. If you are not the intended recipient or authorized to receive it, you are hereby notified that any disclosure, copying, distribution or taking any action in reliance on the contents of this information is strictly prohibited and may be unlawful. If you have received this communication in error, please notify us immediately then delete it from your system. Please also note that transmission cannot be guaranteed to be secure or error-free."

The bastards had me for a second. I clicked on the link and it took my to what actually appeared to be an Amazon webpage. Then it of course asked for my credit card info, including my CVV number and my PIN number. At that point, the light bulb finally went off, and I checked my Amazon account and all of my credit/debit card accounts, and of course there was nary a charge to be found. Anyway, I just wanted to give you all a heads up because it looked fairly legit at first.

GMYH Health Update: Week Four

I know what you're thinking: this is the 5th week of my Abs Diet extravaganza, not Week 4. Well, you're right. But the last week and a half was kind of a clusterfuck as far as working out and eating out, so I decided to combine it all into one week. The weight loss again has been fine, but I seriously think my scale's fat percentage calculator is purposely mocking me and has no desire to report accurate percentages because I assume that it's impossible for there to be that little fat percentage lost given my diet and turbo workouts. I guess I'm starting to understand what Lindsay Lohan was going through. Anyway, this week I'm starting to do 3 sets of weights instead of 2 (as is the natural progression in the Abs Diet book), so maybe that'll learn that damn scale. Here are my vitals:

Weight:
Start: 182.8
Week 1: 179.4 (-3.4)
Week 2: 177.4 (-2.0)
Week 3: 176.4 (-1.0)
Week 4: 174.6 (-1.8)
Total Difference = -8.2

BMI:
Start: 27.0
Week 1: 26.5 (-0.5)
Week 2: 26.2 (-0.3)
Week 3: 26.0 (-0.2)
Week 4: 25.8 (-0.2)
Total Difference = -1.2

Body Fat:
Start: 25.6%
Week 1: 24.8% (-0.8)
Week 2: 24.4% (-0.4%)
Week 3: 24.4% (--)
Week 4: 24.2% (-0.2%)
Total Difference = -1.4%

Simpsons Character Sound Board

Special thanks goes out to Adam "Troy" McClure for sending me the link to this excellent Simpsons character sound board. I have also added it as a link in the "Humor Links" section to the right. Enjoy.

"Stop Your Stallin' and Your Bitchin'"

Man, I'm busy as a beaver today, which is ironic, since it's Hair Band Friday and there's a parade of beaver in my office. Currently blasting from my stereo is a favorite of mine (and a repeat player), Def Leppard's "High 'N Dry," as well as Warrant's "Cherry Pie" and Skid Row's "Skid Row." I have pretty much been drunk out of my mind since I got into the office this morning. It's hard not to be when there are like 15 chicks in my office willing to do anything to see me write an angry letter to opposing counsel. Who am I to disappoint them?

Last night's The OC was pretty solid. I won't bore you with the details, since I assume that you saw it, but I will point out my personal highlights:

1. Kaitlin Cooper went back to boarding school, which is fine with me. Her sauciness and Lolita-like qualities could not make up for the fact that I wanted to slap her in the mouth everytime she opened it.
2. It's official: Johnny and his shitty-ass haircut are dead. Personally, I think he should have been dead a long time ago, like in the first trimester. But in the end, the fact that I never have to look at his pathetic face again is refreshing.
3. Some hippie chick with a mustache (who is apparently Johnny's cousin) comes to town for Johnny's funeral and to help out Johnny's mom while she's dealing with the loss of her pathetic, inappropriately hirsute son. The plotline seems to be setting itself up for this girl (named Sadie) to woo Ryan away from Marissa. I don't find this believable because Marissa is good looking all the time, while Sadie (shown to the right) is good looking only in certain lighting (much like the Seinfeld episode). One thing Sadie does have going for her is that she looks more like Teresa (the woman Ryan unkowingly has a child with) than Marissa does. Either way, a little wax on the upper lip can't hurt.
4. Marissa made 2 comments regarding her lack of eating, one of which was something along the lines of "and I'm obviously not hungry." Obviously.
5. Volchok, the Eastern Bloc pillow-biting surfer who Ryan intimidated into submission, is back, and he somehow knows Sadie. How many times is Ryan going to have to act like he's going to gut Volchok like a fish with a broken wine bottle before Volchok gets the point that no one likes him? My guess is 2.

Top Thirty Facts About Ryan Atwood

With the popularity of sites that tout the top 30 (or 100) facts about Chuck Norris, Mr. T, and Vin Diesel, GMYH reader Ryan "Pissed Off" Christoff suggested that there needed to be a Top 30 facts about Ryan Atwood, The OC's beloved tough guy with a heart of gold.

1. Ryan Atwood's shit cures terrorism. Too bad he has never shit.
2. Ryan Atwood beats up more surfers when he's sleeping than the rest of the world does awake.
3. One time Ryan Atwood cried. New Orleans still hasn't fully recovered.
4. Ryan Atwood's semen provides 100% of the vitamins and minerals necessary to maintain a healthy diet. This is why it is not necessary for Marissa Cooper to be shown eating on screen.
5. If Ryan Atwood were to punch your mom in the uterus right now, you would cease to exist.
6. Ryan Atwood chokes pythons.
7. If you were to Google "baddest motherfucker in the history of the world," the only result would be a picture of Ryan Atwood pointing at you. Your computer would then beat you into a coma.
8. It's no coincidence that you will never see Jesus and Ryan Atwood in the same place at the same time. Not because they're the same person. Jesus is just fucking scared of Ryan Atwood.
9. If you were to gather Ryan Atwood's sweat, boil it with baking soda, dry the resulting product, and crush the product into a fine powder, you would have a drug over 300 times as addictive as crack cocaine. The irony, of course, is that you would die from self-inflicted punch wounds to the head and neck mere seconds after the first time you ingested said powder. Luckily for you, Ryan Atwood never sweats.
10. It's impossible for Ryan Atwood to have any enemies because anyone who has ever attempted to cross Ryan Atwood has later died mysteriously from face-punching related injuries.
11. One time in 1945 Ryan Atwood used an alias: The Enola Gay.
12. Ryan Atwood invented the word "anachronism." In 1532.
13. The Grand Canyon is what happened when Ryan Atwood pissed on Arizona.
14. Ryan Atwood is a humble man, which explains why Kiss changed the name of the song from "Ryan Atwood Gave Rock & Roll to You."
15. When Ryan Atwood goes to college, he will major in Ass Kicking and minor in Brooding. Upon enrollment, he will already have enough credits to graduate.
16. If Ryan Atwood were to masturbate, every woman in the world would have an orgasm. Luckily, he never has to masturbate because there is not one minute during the day when he is not having sex with a totally hot chick.
17. When Ryan Atwood was born, France surrendered.
18. One time Ryan Atwood got drunk, and had sex with a Swedish chick. Nine months later the song "All That She Wants" by Ace of Base was released.
19. If Ryan Atwood grew a mustache, humanity would soon perish because every man in the world would turn gay.
20. You cannot kill Ryan Atwood. You can only make him brood.
21. Ryan Atwood got sick of the sun always being in his eyes, so he punched the ground. Hence, trees.
22. If Ryan Atwood were to look at himself in the mirror, he would turn to stone. Good thing he's a vampire.
23. Ryan Atwood invented the question mark.
24. If you see Ryan Atwood's fist, it's too late.
25. Ryan Atwood's sperm is so potent that any child conceived by him refuses to be birthed by conventional methods, but rather will punch through the mother's stomach when it feels it's ready to kick someone's ass. Luckily Marissa Cooper is barren.
26. Ryan Atwood was not born. He was made by Zeus from reinforced titanium, the remains of dead boxers' fists, and all non-heel parts of Achilles.
27. David Copperfield never made the Statue of Liberty disappear. He just hired Ryan Atwood to tear it down and then build it back up a few minutes later.
28. Ryan Atwood's saliva contains enough poison to kill a herd of elephants in a matter of seconds. Or he could just punch them and finish the job even more quickly.
29. In 2001, Chuck Norris tried to roundhouse kick Ryan Atwood, breaking both feet in the process. The next day "Walker, Texas Ranger" was canceled for undisclosed reasons.
30. Ryan Atwood doesn't want to punch you, but he just can't help it.

Please feel free to submit your own Ryan Atwood facts.

The Long and Winding Road

Good Lord, it's been an odd and interesting several days. Here is a day-by-day recap that I hope will calm everyone's nerves and answer any questions you may have about why I have not posted since Friday.

Saturday

Saturday morning, I made the trek over to Bloomington for the IU/UConn game. Joining me for the festivities were Holt "The Phone" Hedrick, Morgan "Crazy Legs" Hirst, and Joe "The Original Goni" Malangoni. The game itself was up-and-down, with UConn showing exactly why they are the #1 team in the nation, and IU showing exactly why not having DJ White makes IU a #20-25 team. Anyway, to the left is a shot of Assembly Hall from our seats. Unfortunately my camera phone catches glare like Jenna Jameson catches peen, so it looks a little washed out.

Anyway, that evening started early, probably around 5, at Kilroy's, the bar I frequented most often as an undergrad. Morgan's brother, Christopher (who is an undergrad) joined Morgan and me, while Holt was off getting a haircut and Joe was visiting some relatives in town. By the time they arrived at Kilroy's, Morgan, Christopher, and I had polished off a few pitchers and were ready to kick it into high gear.

Soon after Brian "The Who Bear" Alessandrini joined us at Kilroy's, we all (except Christopher) went to Nick's, which is perhaps the greatest bar in the history of the world, to play some Sink the Bismark (aka, the greatest drinking game in the world). After an uncharacteristically terrible performance at Sink, I was inebriated enough that I cut myself off. Some time before this, JR "Eehoc" Cohee joined us.

I remember parts of the next several hours. Some married chick named Bonnie that Joe used to date (in college) was also in Bloomington visiting a friend that goes to law school (who I think was named Sarah, but may have been named Erin or Emily--for simplicity's sake, we'll call her Troll). Also joining those two ladies was another girl who I think was named Erin or Emily, but may have been named Troll--for simplicity's sake, we'll call her Sarah). I think Sarah was a nanny in Bloomington, which seemed confusing, since she held herself out to be a college graduate.

All three ladies were Republicans. Not that it matters, but for some reason, they made it known, and there were certain points in the evening where they did not display what I would deem "traditional family values." Anywho, apparently Bonnie, who has been married for 2 years, has not quite gotten past whatever relationship she and Joe (who is engaged) may have had 8-9 years ago in college. That will come into play later in this saga.

At some point while we were at Nick's, I found out that Penn State beat Illinois (at Illinois). I welcomed this news with overabundant joy, feeling the need to tell nearly everyone else in Nick's about this wonderful turn of events. I got the sense that not everyone there was as excited about it as I was, but I still think it was important to spread the word.

After Nick's, we all went to the Upstairs Pub and then to the Jungle Room, where Christopher met back up with us. It was becoming more and more clear that Bonnie still wanted Joe and that she had no qualms with the fact that she was married and that he was engaged. Sarah was trying to make her move on Joe, too. Joe, however, was not interested in either one.

So after the Jungle Room, the 10 of us go back to Troll's apartment. Apparently, the ladies' plan was that Joe would come to his senses and decide to throw his engagement out the window. While I drank my water, and everyone else drank beers, the evening began to unravel. Christopher and Cohee had their "what the fuck am I doing here" moments and left. Troll tried to harass Holt, while Bonnie and I were engaged in a classic political discussion involving whether it was possible to support the troops but not support the war (in case you're wondering, it is possible). Morgan and Drini left, with Morgan declaring me "in charge," which I took to mean "make sure Joe isn't raped."

Where were Joe and Sarah, you ask? Well, Joe had gone to the bathroom to urinate. Mid-piss, Sarah walks in, shuts the door and seductively asks, "Do you know why I'm here?" Joe kept on pissing (it burns to stop) and responded with something along the lines of "no." He then explained in so many words that he was engaged and would not be performing any sort of sex act with her or anyone else, including any variation of the golden shower. So then Sarah leaves the bathroom crying. After she stopped crying, she was convinced that Bonnie was going to kick her ass (which obviously would have been fun to watch).

Then Bonnie gets wind of Sarah's meager seduction attempt and decides that one night with Joe is worth ruining her marriage. Joe explained to her that she was a fucking moron, and that whatever they had 8-9 years ago has long been forgotten. So then she starts crying because she realized that her days of riding the Malangoni Bologna Pony were never coming back.

It was at that point that Troll asked us to leave. I have to say, it was a treat watching two Republican women unsuccessfully throw themselves at an engaged Democrat. You may have your precious war and your unconstitutional domestic surveillance, but at least we have our dignity.

When we got back to the hotel room, I was somehow the odd man out, which meant that this was my bed. Awesome.

Sunday

On Sunday, I went up to the Chicagoland area for the Super Bowl party of Jon "J-Diza" Dudek and his girlfriend Tracy, aka "T-Money." Tracy had borrowed a projector from her place of employment, which meant that we got to watch the Super Bowl on about a 15x15 wall:

Thanks in part to the enormity of the screen, I was able to take several concert action photos of the Rolling Stones, making it appear as though I was there, including a nice shot of Mick Jagger flailing about in ways that 62-year-olds should not be allowed to do.
Monday

So on Monday, I dilly-dallied around Chicago. I went into the city and had lunch with a friend, then stopped by my dad's office to say hi. I was on top of the world. After returning to the burbs, I had dinner with my mom and headed out. Or so I thought.

Not too long after I left, my lovely '91 Accord, Rhonda, started acting strangely. Dashboard lights that I had never seen before were flashing. Long story short, a radiator hose had either burst or come loose. And just a couple miles before the 196,000-mile mark, no less. Rhonda can be a cold-hearted bitch sometimes. So I had to get her towed and I wasn't able to leave until Tuesday morning.

Tuesday

Once fixed, Rhonda wanted to make up for lost time. She handled I-65 like Mike Tyson handles women: with no mercy and no respect. We were making great time, and then some more strange things started to happen. While I was on I-70 in between New Castle and Hagerstown, Indiana, out of nowhere I see three F-4 Phantoms flying overhead, one after the other, about 10 seconds apart.

As if the car gods hadn't fisted me enough this trip, no less than 10 miles after the random fighter plane sighting--I shit you not--my left front tire explodes. This wasn't your run-of-the-mill tire pop. Chunks of tire were flying all over the place. My hubcab breaks off. Not falls off--breaks off (you can see the 2 remaining broken pieces of it in the pictures below). The force of the tire and hubcab explosion leads me to believe that it was no coincidence that I noticed those F-4s. Sure, the government's going to pretend like F-4s don't target '91 Hondas driving on interstate highways, but I find it a little too convenient that only 2 1/2 days eariler I was disagreeing with a Republican.

Anyway, so there I am, freezing my ass off while I'm changing a tire along I-70. And of course my spare is one of those donut spares that looks like it would be too small for a Yugo. The absolure best part about my spare is that it can only handle speeds up to 50 mph, which meant that I went 50 down the interstate for the rest of the way with my flashers on.

I did get home in time to get a new tire before Jester and I had to be at the bowling alley for our league. So, in the end, it was just a typical Midwestern winter weekend.

"Don't Sing Your Last Lullaby"

It's Friday, which means that it's Hair Band Friday in my office. Currently pumping through my speakers are the melodies of a decadent era that is gone, but not forgotten. The last three songs were "Alone Again" by Dokken, "Don't Close Your Eyes" by Kix, and "You Got Another Thing Comin'" by Judas Priest, all classics. It's been a little slow here at the office. No motions or memos to write, no discovery requests to respond to, no research to do. But that hasn't stopped the groupies at all. This chick named Sindee is currently flashing her vuvla around here like it's her job (which it may very well be). And I'll be damned if earlier I didn't have to step in and tame that lioness. Luckily I've had enough Liquid G that I lost the ability to care whether she's disease-free or not. No worries, though. It's just part of the business.

Last night's The OC was fan-fucking-tastic. Forget the fact that Seth is still smoking weed and that Summer figured it out after Seth gave "Save the Last Dance" rave reviews. Forget that Julie Cooper-Nichol and Dr. Roberts are well on their way to taking the skin boat to tuna town. Forget that Kaitlin talks like a fucking moron. The last 5 minutes of the episode trumped all of that.

What will be forever remembered from this episode is the fact that Johnny (yes, surfer Johnny with the worst hair in the history of the world) may be dead. Using the same reasoning skills that allow him to steer clear of the barber shop, Johnny took Kaitlin and a bottle of tequila to the beach in the middle of the night for a bonfire. Rather than get hammered and fuck the shit out of Kaitlin on the beach (which he probably could have done if he wasn't such a Marissa-crazed douchebag), Johnny decides to get hammered and climb what appears to be a 30-40 foot cliff. With the bottle of tequila in his hand, no less.

So Kaitlin's freaking out because her pristine, unconquered body is getting passed over for some rocks. Not only that, but that asshole took the tequila. She calls Marissa, who had recently passed up the chance to eat in favor of some knee spreading for Ryan (thanks to Casey "Hold the" Mayo for the knee-spreading comment last night). Being the gentleman that he is, Ryan takes Marissa and heads over to the beach.

When they arrive at the beach, Marissa heads down to comfort Kaitlin, while Ryan does what Johnny should have done in the first place: get to the top using the clean, well-maintained path on the side of the cliff. So Ryan gets up there, and Johnny's all "you're the last person I want to see" and Ryan's all "just be careful man" and Johnny's all "yeah right, just so you can save me at the last minute in front of Marissa." (He's got a point there. Since Johnny already looks like a total asswipe, the last thing he needs is for the boyfriend of the girl he loves rescuing him from danger right in front of her and her saucy little sister who he didn't bang.) Then Johnny stumbles a little bit. Ryan races to the edge to grab him before he falls. But alas, Ryan was too late. All we hear is the sound of the bottle breaking, and then it was the end of the episode.

So we never saw Johnny's body at the bottom of the cliff, which leaves us with the following questions:

1. For the love of God, is Johnny please dead?
2. Did Johnny's hideous mop of hair form a parachute (or what I would call a hairachute), allowing him to float harmlessly to the sand below?
3. If Johnny didn't die, but suffered some sort of blunt head trauma, will the doctors please be forced to shave his head?
4. Is it medically possible that by falling onto his knee, Johnny somehow completely knocked his previously injured ligaments into healthy status, thereby allowing him a spot on the Pac West surf tour (meaning that he would have to leave the show)?
5. If he's dead, aside from his mom and Chili, will anyone truly be saddened by his death? (The answer to that is probably "no," since everyone would be better off. Including you and me.)
6. Have McG and Josh Schwartz been reading this blog and therefore purposely putting Marissa in near-eating situations every episode solely for the purpose of pissing me off? If so, well done guys.

And in case everyone didn't know before watching The OC last night, there is a movie called When a Stranger Calls coming out today. Holy shit Screen Gems, is it really necessary to run 2 commercials for the movie during each commercial break?

Happy Groundhog Day

Well, today is the 13th annual Groundhog Day. As you probably know, Groundhog Day is the fictional holiday introduced to the world on February 12, 1993, when the movie of the same name was released. In the movie, on the second day in February, a make-believe animal called a "groundhog" (played wonderfully by a woodchuck) is placed in a hole in a rural Pennsylvania town. Then a large white man wearing an oversized top hat and a tuxedo cajoles the "groundhog" out of the hole. What comes next is something that could only come from the demented mind of Harold Ramis. According to the movie, if the "groundhog" sees his shadow and goes back in the hole, winter will last for another 6 weeks (which is ironically the length winter would last anyway -- touche Harold Ramis, touche). But if the "groundhog" doesn't see his shadow, then spring will come early.

Since the movie's release, Groundhog Day has caught on like wildfire, so much so that the rural town showcased in the movie, Punxsutawney, actually holds a Groundhog Day celebration each February 2nd, mimicking the movie's fictional holiday rituals. Even though the "groundhog" saw his shadow today for the 10th time in 13 years, it looks as though Groundhog Day is here to stay.

You may think this is a ridiculous example of life imitating art, but it is certainly not the first time Hollywood has turned a movie or TV show's fake holiday into a real one. Here are some other examples:
-The hit TV show "Seinfeld" popularized a make-believe non-denominational holiday called Festivus.
-In 1978, John Carpenter brought to the world a delightfully macabre autumn holiday where children dress up in costume and go door-to-door asking for candy. The holiday soon took its name from Carpenter's film, "Halloween."
-"Born on the Fourth of July" gave Congress the push it needed to officially establish July 4 as America's Independence Day.
-And of course who can forget "It's a Wonderful Life," which in 1946 brought post-War America a strange new holiday to accompany the country's predominantly Christian population through long, hard winters: Christmas. Building off the popularity of this new fad that was sweeping the nation, the next year "Miracle on 34th Street" gave us a jolly man in a red suit who purported to deliver toys to every child in the world on Christmas.

Curling

Not being from Scotland, Canada, or apparently Bemidji, Minnesota, I wasn't introduced to the sport of curling until I was in junior high. For reasons that are still unclear to me, my dad came home from work one day with a video all about curling. He then forced my brother and me to watch the video about this exotic and seemingly rudimentary sport, where all the people who played it wore jean shorts and said "eh" at the end of every sentence. It was then that my love affair with curling began.

Granted, it's not as dangerously sexy as the luge or the skeleton. It doesn't have the star power of speed skating. It doesn't have the WTF factor of the biathlon. It doesn't have flair and fabulous costumes like men's figure skating. But I couldn't (and still can't) resist the allure of someone called a "skip" sliding a 40+-pound stone down a sheet of ice, where several people use brooms to manipulate the stone's path until it reaches its final destination.

I only got a taste of it in '92 at Albertville, since it was only a demonstration sport, but not a full sport. Curling was noticeably absent from the '94 games in Lillehammer. Finally in '98 at Nagano, the IOC wised up and put curling back on the slate as an official olympic sport.

My white hot love for curling came to a rolling boil during the '02 games in Salt Lake City. Along with my roommates at the time, Ryan "Pissed Off" Christoff and Tradd "The New Albanian" Fromme, we vowed to one day bring home curling gold for the US of A, probably in 2010 in Vancouver. After that, of course, we would parlay our fame into a somewhat successful rap music career under the name Stone Throwaz. Our first album, "Broomz and Stonez," is set to be released by Interscope Records sometime in July 2010.

It looks as though curling won't even need Stone Throwaz in order to get the attention and respect it deserves. This year in Turino, curling is finally primed to take center stage. The US Men's team is still feeling the bitter sting of what could have been. You see, in 2002 at Salt Lake, the men lost heartbreaking and demoralizing round-robin matches to Germany, Denmark, Finland, Great Britain, and eventual Gold Medalist Norway by a combined 7 points, despite the aggressive play and near-demonic stare of US skip Tim Somerville (shown to the right). This year's team is a coalition of northern Minnesota good ol' boys, led by 37-year-old skip Pete Fenson, who has been described by many as the Don of US Curling, an obvious reference to the fact that he owns two pizzerias.

The women's team, led by the surprisingly attractive and always volatile Johnson sisters, Cassie and Jamie, look to build off of their silver medal finish at the 2005 World Championships in Paisley, Scotland. After being embarrassed in the Bronze Medal match by Canada in '02, the women should be poised for a medal this year. If that happens, I predict that the Johnsons will become the darlings of the 20th Winter Olympiad.

For the men, their road to glory begins on Monday 2/13 at 9am TT (Torino time, which is apparently 3am EST), as they battle the wily yet dimwitted Norwegian team (known colloquially in curling circles as "the jocks with rocks"). The women will first go up against Norway's women's team, a collaboration of erudite Osloans and cunning Laplanders, the same day at 2pm TT (8am EST).