"When You're Playin' With Fire, You're Bound to Get Burned"

Hair Band Friday is off and running once again. Today we're a little bit more lighthearted than usual, probably on account of the copious amounts of weed we've been smoking. Anyway, we're playing hair band songs that made or should have made VH1's 40 Most Awesomely Bad Metal Songs. For instance, the last three songs that weren't blaring out of my speakers as loud as songs in past weeks have been were the following: "Love and Affection" by those blond-locked twin sons of Ricky Nelson, Matthew and Gunnar, aka Nelson, "Don't Treat Me Bad" by the group that somehow beat out Nirvana for Best New Hard Rock/Metal Band at the 1991 AMAs, Firehouse, and "When the Children Cry" by those Danish-led SOBs, White Lion. Needless to say, we're just keeping a low profile today. I'm not even writing any major motions or memos.

Last night was yet another great episode of The OC (as if it's possible to have a bad episode). Sandy's complete lack of business knowledge is running the Newport Group into the ground. Taylor Townsend is smitten with Seth, much to Summer's dismay. Julie Cooper-Nichol thwarted Charlotte's plot to dupe Newport's wealthy philanthropists into donating money to a fake charity by telling them to donate the money to a real charity instead. Johnny has yet to get even one hair on his head cut. Marissa was not seen eating anything. Dean Hess is apparently on sabbatical, which no doubt involves cock chugging.

The biggest part of the episode was that Volchok (i.e., Eastern Bloc street tough turned SoCal surfer, who will soon be starring in the sequel to Cool As Ice) kidnapped Marissa in order to force Ryan to fight with him. Bad move, considering Ryan can, at the drop of a hat, enter a mental state where he is devoid of logic, accountability, and the inability to kick ass. So Ryan and Johnny head down to below the pier, where Volchok and his hulkish girlfriend and Gavin-Rossdale-looking buddy are holding Marissa. Ryan tells Johnny on the way there that he's not going to fight Volchok, but rather he will use his mind to get Marissa back. Once they get there, Ryan picks up a wine bottle, shatters it against a wooden post, hands Volchok a 2x4, and says something along the lines of, "Please attempt to hit me with that piece of wood, thus giving me the opportunity to gut you from head to toe with this broken bottle." The crazed look in Ryan's eyes (seen in this picture) made Volchok rethink his station in life, knowing that if they fought, Ryan would be eating Volchok's heart within 4 seconds and wearing a Volchok pelt within 12. So Volchok gives Marissa up without a fight. Ryan and Marissa go back to Ryan's pool house, where they talk about various inconsequential things and Marissa does not give Ryan an on-screen BJ. As the episode ends, we are left with the image of Ryan beating on his punching bag until his hands are bloody and tears are welling in his eyes, leaving the viewer wondering, "holy shit, what if that had been Volchok's face?"

We are left with these questions to ponder for the next two weeks:
1. Now that Julie had a flash of morality and prevented Charlotte from stealing all that money that was to go to a fake charity (i.e., Charlotte's pockets), how will Charlotte punish Julie? Whips? Tongue bath? Ever-so-gentle breast massage?
2. Will Taylor pull a Summer-esque transformation from turbobitch into likeable saucy tart?
3. In a related question, is Taylor's newfound vulnerability and seemingly intense crush on Seth just part of a Single-White-Female-esque plot kill and/or take the place of Summer?
4. Now that Dean Hess has been absent from two episodes in a row, will the number of cocks he chugs in the next episode double to make up for lost time?
5. Seriously, Marissa, will you please eat something? A cranberry? A dollop of mashed potatoes? A bite of turkey? We can even make it white meat if you want.
6. Now that Ryan's pure intimidation with a broken bottle caused Volchok to cower in fear and give back Marissa, how soon before Volchok dismantles into five lion-robots? Oh wait, that's Voltron.

So I'm heading over to B-town tomorrow for the Old Oaken Bucket game. As Mark Hess might say, I hate Purdue more than AIDS. To the state of Indiana, Purdue is like that ugly, fat, surly, never-married, mildly retarded loser Uncle Gene who can't hold a regular job (and when he does have a job, it usually involves him coming home smelling extremely greasy). He doesn't take regular showers and lives in a complete shithole efficiency apartment where the heat rarely works and brown water comes out of the faucets. No one really wants to go visit him. IU, on the other hand, is like the state of Indiana's hot step-cousin. She's smart, but down to earth; she's nice, but not too nice; she likes to party, but isn't trashy. She smells like roses and sex, has perfect skin and a killer body, always flirts, and is not a blood relative. She exudes hope, promise, happiness, and success. Everyone yearns to visit her. Sadly, she just isn't everyone's step-cousin. Some poor, unfortunate souls have to go visit Uncle Gene because he's the only family they have.