Worst Uniforms Ever

Well, for the 10,721st consecutive day, I didn't win $370 million. If any of you reading this did hit the Mega Millions jackpot in my stead, I invite you to please go fuck yourself, as you now have enough money to figure out a way to do so.

On a brighter note, Zombies. . .Nice Fucking Category (comprised of Gregerson, Christoff, the Brothers Weeser*, minus Greg of course, and me) took the crown last night at trivia at Rocks, despite a round devoted entirely to zombie movies (Tim came through big with "My Boyfriend's Back") and another general trivia round where we got a whopping 4 points (out of 11 or 12 possible). Having given up drinking during the week for Lent, I was unable to enjoy our victory in the shot round, nor was I able to fully appreciate the 25% off the tab, as I only had a bowl of clam chowder that went from $5 to $3.75. I think that was the first time I was in a bar for almost four straight hours and only spent $5.

On a much more somber and confusing note, some Fetal Alcohol Syndrome-plagued Nike designers have decided to try to ruin college basketball uniforms. Florida, Arizona, Ohio State, and Syracuse will unveil new uniforms this week. I'm not sure I've ever seen a more hideously designed sports uniform. Is this some elaborate hoax? I'd like to think so, but then again, this is the same company that designed Oregon's football uniforms. Granted, I'm not the most fashionable person in the world, but I can recognize a travesty of aesthetics when I see it. There is so much wrong with these new uniforms, I can barely spew words onto this page fast enough to account for everything that is going through my mind right now. Plus, it's hard to type while I'm vomiting, laughing, and crying all at the same time.

The first thing that jumped out at me was the fact that the players apparently will no longer be wearing jerseys, but rather they will have their bodies painted to resemble jerseys, not unlike what Sports Illustrated does for its Swimsuit Issue, but unfortunately Marisa Miller has exhausted her college eligibility.

The second thing that bears little resemblance to a basketball uniform is the sprinter-style, Under-Armour-esque sleeves. What the fuck? Since when were college basketball arenas prohibitively cold? Is arm hair causing that much of a wind resistance problem? It's not like Robin Williams is out there playing for the Gators. And if the drag coefficient is an issue, why wouldn't Nike make a skin-tight sprinters hood for Joakim Noah? And why is the guy in the middle only wearing a sleeve on his right arm? Does that mean he's gay? Or does it mean that his left arm is prosthetic and therefore does not need protection from the elements? If that is the case, what if one of the opposing players has a permanent maker? Then what? And why is the guy on the left wearing short sleeves? Unless I am unaware of a recent spike in upper-arm Indian burns during college basketball games, I see no possible benefit to wearing short-sleeve spandex. The only result of wearing these short sleeves is well-deserved ridicule and a punch in the nuts, which apparently may not be an issue (more on that below).

Remember when the Fab Five came into college basketball in the 1991-92 season and started the baggy shorts trend? Frankly, it was probably needed, given that basketball shorts before then tended to show a lot of thigh (see Loyola Marymount star Bo Kimble circa 1990). But Nike's new uniforms look as if they took a small tent and transformed them into shorts. And here I was thinking that men's capri pants were something I would never have to see again. How can someone run in these things without tripping over them? Furthermore, the extra bagginess looks even more ridiculous given the body-painted jerseys. It looks like someone put those old-school wide-hipped pleated trousers on Karen Carpenter, or, more appropriately, the corpse of Karen Carpenter.

According to the article, "Players will also be able to customize their uniforms by adding options like padded shorts (to protect against the errant knee or elbow) and Dwyane Wade-style leg wraps." Padded shorts? That's all well and good for the fellatio-obsessed coed, but I don't think padded shorts would have protected Tyler Hansbrough in any way from the razor-sharp elbow of Gerald Henderson. And are floor burns, dead legs, Charlie horses, and nut shots really that much of a problem that padded shorts are necessary? As far as the Dwyane Wade-style leg wraps, I think Wade has overwhelmingly proven that those do nothing to decrease the chances of getting a separated shoulder.

All in all, this is the worst uniform "innovation" since the NFL banned the single bar helmet. What's next, Captain America gets killed by a sniper's bullet?