New Book: White Line Fever: The Autobiography by Lemmy Kilmister with Janiss Garza

I finished reading Running With Scissors by Augusten Burroughs probably about a month ago, but my sloth, Words with Friends, and the rediscovery of my Blackjack app prevented me from picking up another book for a few weeks.  And yes, I have a fucking sloth who guards my books.  Running With Scissors was definitely one of the craziest memoirs I've read, and I mean crazy in both the clinical and figurative senses.  Around age 12 or 13, Burroughs's mom basically sent him to live with her psychiatrist and his strange family.  He pretty much drops out of school in junior high and does whatever he wants, including smoking, carrying on a sexual relationship with a guy in his late '20s, and making a skylight in the kitchen with one of the psychiatrist's kids.  It's a good book, and as I mentioned in my previous post about it, there was apparently a movie made of it in 2006 with a pretty solid cast.  I'm not sure how the movie could possibly handle some of the more graphic parts of the book, but I'd still be interested to see it.

Next up is White Line Fever: The Autobiography by Lemmy Kilmister with Janiss Garza.  I've dressed up as the man for Halloween, I've seen his documentary, and I listen to his music, so I might as well know everything there is to know about Lemmy.

Books read in 2014:

Bruce by Peter Ames Carlin
Any Questions?: The Complete Art Brut 2003-2013 by Eddie Argos
Running With Scissors by Augusten Burroughs

Retro Video of the Week: "When Doves Cry" by Prince & The Revolution

In the midst of World Cup insanity that included a Uruguayan serial biter doing presumably the only thing that can satisfy his strange sexual urges, a Uruguayan with a giant forehead scoring on a header with less than 10 minutes left in the game to eliminate Italy and send Uruguay to the Round of 16, and a stoppage time penalty kick to clinch Greece's first-ever appearance in the Round of 16, I completely forgot to post a Tuesday Top Ten yesterday.  I hope to make it up to you today in the form of violet-hued robes, motorcycles, and precipitation.

You see, fair reader, 30 years ago today, Prince & The Revolution's seminal Purple Rain album was released.  Calling it a "hit" is a bit of an understatement.  

• The album sold 1.5 million copies in its first week, and has gone on to sell 13 million copies in the U.S. and over 20 million copies worldwide.  
• It held the #1 spot on Billboard's album charts for 24 consecutive weeks from August 1984 to January 1985.
• All five singles from the album landed in the Top 25 on the Billboard Hot 100, including 2 #1 songs ("When Doves Cry" and "Let's Go Crazy"), a #2 (the title track), a #8 ("I Would Die 4 U"), and a #25 ("Take Me With U")
• After hearing the song "Darling Nikki" (which her 11-year-old daughter was listening to), Tipper Gore became outraged at its lyrics about sex and masturbation, and the song inspired her to form the censorship-minded PMRC in 1985.  "Darling Nikki" was on the PMRC's "Filthy Fifteen," and, of course, the PMRC and the RIAA later struck a deal to put "Parental Advisory" stickers on albums with bad language, sexually suggestive subject matter, or violent subject matter -- prompting kids around the country to flock to any and every album with a Parental Advisory sticker on it.
• The album won two Grammy Awards.
• The film Purple Rain won an Academy Award for Best Original Song Score in 1985.
• My friend Daniel sings a hell of a karaoke version of the title track.

The only issue for me was choosing a video, or so I thought it was going to be.  It turns out "When Doves Cry" is the only song from the album with an official video, so that made my choice pretty easy.  Here you go.  Game, blouses.

Listen to Hair Band Friday - 6/20/14

Jim Jefferies is a Funny Man

If you're like me -- and you better pray to Dionysus you're not -- then you like to laugh.  They have these things nowadays called stand-up comedians, whose entire job is to make people laugh.  One of those comedians is named Jim Jefferies.  He's funny.  Here is a video of one of his shows (thanks to Bonham for the link).  There is some adult language and subject matter, so it may not be appropriate for you to watch at work, unless your boss is an atheist Australian man with a mouth like a sailor.  Enjoy.

Retro Video of the Week: "Twilight Zone" by Golden Earring

In honor of the Netherlands' wins over Spain and Chile to clinch a spot in the knockout round, here is one of the biggest Dutch rock acts, Golden Earring, with their 1982 Top 10 Billboard hit, "Twilight Zone."  I prefer "Radar Love," but that does not fall within my Retro Video of the Week parameters, mainly because it was released long before MTV existed.  Also, this song is not called "When the Bullet Hits the Bone," jackass.

Tuesday Top Ten: Best Yearbook Quotes of 2014

I have been relatively busy lately, so I haven't had much time to come up with my own Tuesday Top Tens.  Thankfully, there are websites like Buzz Feed that can supply them for me.  A few weeks ago, someone posted a link on Facebook to a Buzz Feed post called "The 38 Absolute Best Yearbook Quotes from the Class of 2014," and I think this adequately explains why my high school didn't allow people to have senior quotes in the yearbook. These are pretty damn funny.  Enjoy.

Midwestern Eavesdropping

Thirtysomething woman referring to Jerry Orbach: "I remember where I was when he died."

Another thirtysomething woman: "Oh I do too."

--Chicago, The Diag, Southport and George

Eavesdropper: GMYH

Midwestern Eavesdropping

Drunk woman: "You tell me who's dumber, a canary or an owl. I'm wise like a fox. . . . My bladder hurts.  I'm gonna pee my pants."

--Chicago, Rocks, 4138 N. Lincoln

Eavesdropper: GMYH

Listen to Hair Band Friday - 6/13/14

Midwestern Eavesdropping

Two-year-old girl playing with muddy sand in the backyard, to her father, who didn't ask: "I'm making a cake. It's not dog poop."

--Chicago

Eavesdropper:  GMYH

Mother, to kids: "Do you guys want to go to Sea World this summer?"

Two-year-old daughter: "No, I'm too busy."

--Chicago

Eavesdropper:  GMYH

Retro Video of the Week: "Ain't 2 Proud 2 Beg" by TLC

This past Monday marked the 20th anniversary of TLC's Lisa "Left Eye" Lopes burning down the home she shared with boyfriend and NFL wide receiver, Andre Rison.  Left Eye, in her infinite wisdom, decided the best way to get back at Rison for whatever he had done was to put a bunch of his shoes in a bathtub, douse them with lighter fluid, and set them on fire.  You know, because professional athletes never have access to more shoes.  She failed to notice that the bathtub was made of Plexiglas, and not porcelain or some other substance that does not melt when exposed to extreme heat.  Of course, Left Eye would later pay for her transgressions by dying in a car crash in Honduras in 2002. I just remember thinking, "thank God it wasn't Chili."

In honor of Left Eye, here is the video for TLC's debut single, 1992's "Ain't 2 Proud 2 Beg," which went all the way to #6 on the Billboard Hot 100.  If nothing else, the video is a fantastic example of hip hop fashion in the early '90s and how society has always viewed men as nothing more than sexual objects.

Tuesday Top Ten: Lines from Napoleon's Love Letters That Sound Like Crazy Texts

Everyone who has seen Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure knows that Napoleon was a bit of a hot head.  His passion for European dominance apparently spilled over into his love life, as this article, entitled "10 Lines from Napoleon's Love Letters That Sound Like Crazy Texts" demonstrates.  (Thanks to Adam for the link.)  In these excerpts from Napoleon's love letters to his wife, Josephine, Napoleon goes from lusty to lovelorn to coy to angry to jealous to needy.  Then again, syphilis will do that to a man.

Midwestern Eavesdropping

Twentysomething guy hitting on twentysomething woman he does not know on train platform, right before she rebuffed him: "You look clean. You smell good."

--Chicago, Fullerton L station

Eavesdropper: GMYH

Retro Video of the Week: "Glory Days" by Bruce Springsteen

Today marks the 30th (30th!) anniversary of the release of Bruce Springsteen's mega-album, Born in the U.S.A.  As a 6-year-old, this was my first exposure to Springsteen.  I remember seeing the videos and concert footage and not really understanding that he had previously been a huge star.  I just assumed that when you had a kickass song, you sold out football stadiums.  Then again, I also assumed that the title track was a patriotic anthem (as did Ronald Reagan's campaign, infamously), when, in fact, it was a song about how the Vietnam War screwed up the working class.

The album is Springsteen's most successful, going 15x platinum in the US and selling 30 million copies worldwide.  It is one of three albums in the history of rock and roll with seven Top 10 singles on the Billboard Hot 100:  "Dancing in the Dark" (#1), "My Hometown" (#7), "I'm On Fire" (#8), "Born in the U.S.A." (#9), "Glory Days" (#9), "I'm Goin' Down" (#9), and "Cover Me" (#10). And the other five songs on the album are pretty damn good, too.

With so many great songs to choose from, I went with "Glory Days," since it's a pretty universal song about, well, your glory days and reminiscing about (and trying to recapture) your youth.  It's a great bar jukebox song.  My favorite line is "Think I'm going down to the well tonight / And I'm gonna drink 'til I get my fill."  If I ever own a bar, I'm going to call it The Well because of this song.

Tuesday Top Ten: Lines of Bullshit Told To Me By My Kids This Weekend

Daughter (age 4) and Lollipop (age 2) have made a habit of spewing complete and utter bullshit.  You can't trust a thing that comes out of their mouths.  I'm sure this is just something all kids do at their ages, but I've really noticed it lately, and I decided to start taking notes.  This weekend was full of deception, most of which was related to nonexistent babies or baby animals.  Whether caused by imagination, ignorance, delusion, or just flat-out lying, there is no denying that my daughters are full of shit.    

Here are my ten favorite lines of bullshit told to me by Daughter or Lollipop this weekend (with some bonuses):

Honorable mention:

Lollipop: "Tigers eat alligators. Yeah."

Daughter (after I told her her stop running in the house): "We were running to escape the sea monster."

Lollipop: "It was a baby sea monster. I saw a seal."

Me:  "Do you have to pee?"

Lollipop:  "No."

Lollipop: "I just saw a snake in the back yard. A baby snake."

Lollipop: "That dog talked to me."

Lollipop: "My baby just fell out of the swing."

Lollipop: "Daddy, I just saw a bug by the closet. A baby bug. It was a baby bug."

10.  Daughter (after watching me change Son's diaper): "Boys do have penises. And girls have jevinas."

Nice try.

9.  Lollipop: "Daddy was punching me in the cheeks."

Thanks for falsely throwing me under the bus, Lollipop.

8.  Lollipop: "There are hyenas in the gorge.  And I fell down the stairs."

Both false!  We don't even have a gorge.

7.  Daughter: "There was a cat at the festival. It was crazy. Don't tell Mom."

I won't.  Because I'm not a fucking liar.

6.  Lollipop: "I just saw a baby cardinal in the garage. Then a bear and a cat went into the street."

5.  Lollipop: "That dog just ordered a beer."

What dog?!

4.  Lollipop: "I gotta tell you something. My baby burned her hand on the stove and had to go to the hospital. My baby just touched the stove once after she woke up."

Daughter: "Well, I was there, and the stove was not on fire, so she didn't have to go to the hospital. But my baby got sick and had to go to the hospital."

Lollipop: "Only mommies and daddies can put their hands in fire."

3. Lollipop: "Mommy's home!"

Me: "No, Mommy went to the store.  She's still there."

Lollipop: "No, she's not. I'm talking to her." 

Wishful thinking, you beautiful idiot. Now stop pissing on the floor.

2.  Daughter: "Jack said he's never coming back to school. He's going to run away and live in the woods."

First, there is no one named Jack in her class.  Second, what woods?  We live in the city.  It would take him at least 7 to 8 hours to get to the closest habitable woods by foot or training-wheeled bicycle, so it's highly unlikely he would make it to the woods before succumbing to exhaustion or being hauled back home by the police.  Third, like Jack has any survival skills.

1.  Lollipop: "I didn't talk to Aerosmith because there's a moth in my bedroom."

Yeah, that's the reason you didn't talk to Aerosmith.