Tuesday Top Ten: Lines of Bullshit Told To Me By My Kids This Weekend

Daughter (age 4) and Lollipop (age 2) have made a habit of spewing complete and utter bullshit.  You can't trust a thing that comes out of their mouths.  I'm sure this is just something all kids do at their ages, but I've really noticed it lately, and I decided to start taking notes.  This weekend was full of deception, most of which was related to nonexistent babies or baby animals.  Whether caused by imagination, ignorance, delusion, or just flat-out lying, there is no denying that my daughters are full of shit.    

Here are my ten favorite lines of bullshit told to me by Daughter or Lollipop this weekend (with some bonuses):

Honorable mention:

Lollipop: "Tigers eat alligators. Yeah."

Daughter (after I told her her stop running in the house): "We were running to escape the sea monster."

Lollipop: "It was a baby sea monster. I saw a seal."

Me:  "Do you have to pee?"

Lollipop:  "No."

Lollipop: "I just saw a snake in the back yard. A baby snake."

Lollipop: "That dog talked to me."

Lollipop: "My baby just fell out of the swing."

Lollipop: "Daddy, I just saw a bug by the closet. A baby bug. It was a baby bug."

10.  Daughter (after watching me change Son's diaper): "Boys do have penises. And girls have jevinas."

Nice try.

9.  Lollipop: "Daddy was punching me in the cheeks."

Thanks for falsely throwing me under the bus, Lollipop.

8.  Lollipop: "There are hyenas in the gorge.  And I fell down the stairs."

Both false!  We don't even have a gorge.

7.  Daughter: "There was a cat at the festival. It was crazy. Don't tell Mom."

I won't.  Because I'm not a fucking liar.

6.  Lollipop: "I just saw a baby cardinal in the garage. Then a bear and a cat went into the street."

5.  Lollipop: "That dog just ordered a beer."

What dog?!

4.  Lollipop: "I gotta tell you something. My baby burned her hand on the stove and had to go to the hospital. My baby just touched the stove once after she woke up."

Daughter: "Well, I was there, and the stove was not on fire, so she didn't have to go to the hospital. But my baby got sick and had to go to the hospital."

Lollipop: "Only mommies and daddies can put their hands in fire."

3. Lollipop: "Mommy's home!"

Me: "No, Mommy went to the store.  She's still there."

Lollipop: "No, she's not. I'm talking to her." 

Wishful thinking, you beautiful idiot. Now stop pissing on the floor.

2.  Daughter: "Jack said he's never coming back to school. He's going to run away and live in the woods."

First, there is no one named Jack in her class.  Second, what woods?  We live in the city.  It would take him at least 7 to 8 hours to get to the closest habitable woods by foot or training-wheeled bicycle, so it's highly unlikely he would make it to the woods before succumbing to exhaustion or being hauled back home by the police.  Third, like Jack has any survival skills.

1.  Lollipop: "I didn't talk to Aerosmith because there's a moth in my bedroom."

Yeah, that's the reason you didn't talk to Aerosmith.