It's The Most Wonderful Time of the Beer: 2015 Edition

I love winter beers.  That's why, last year, I decided to launch It's The Most Wonderful Time of the Beer -- a daily look at a different winter beer throughout December.  It would be crazy of me not to do it again this year, right?  That's right, little voice in my head who tells me to do whatever I want to do regardless of the consequences.

Beginning tomorrow, I will try my damnedest to drink a different winter beer each day in December, and I'll report back to you via this here blog with a non-technical description of each beer and the following information:
-Name
-Brewery
-Location
-ABV (if available)
-IBU (if available)
-"Good for drinking if" comment
-Rating (out of five stars, by quarter star increments)

I will do my best not to overlap with any of the beers I reviewed last year, although multiple breweries change up their winter ale recipe each year (Anchor comes to mind), so I might double up on those.  Here are the beers I had last year (listed alphabetically by brewery):
Anchor Our Special Ale Anderson Valley  Winter Solstice Batemans Rosey Nosey Bell's Christmas Ale Blue Moon Gingerbread Spiced Ale Brasserie D'Achouffe N'Ice Chouffe Breckenridge Christmas Ale Brew Kettle Winter Warmer Brooklyn Winter Ale Brouwerij Huyghe Delirium Noël Bruery 7 Swans-a-Swimming Dark Horse 4 Elf Firestone Walker Velvet Merlin Goose Island Festivity Ale Great Divide Hibernation Ale Great Lakes Christmas Ale He'brew Hanukkah, Chanukah Hoppin' Frog Frosted Frog Leinenkugel's Winter's Bite MadTree Thundersnow Magic Hat Starlit Ommegang Adoration Samuel Adams Winter Lager Samuel Adams Old Fezziwig Ale Samuel Smith's Winter Welcome Southern Tier 2XMas SweetWater Festive Ale Ten Ninety Milk & Cookies Two Brothers Peppermint Bark Porter Victory Winter Cheers

West Sixth Christmas Ale

Like last year, I may not get a chance to post every day, so I may have a few "catch up" posts, where multiple beers are reviewed.  And, like last year, I will have a variety of local, regional, American, and international beers from breweries of all shapes and sizes.  When it comes to winter beers, I don't discriminate.  And remember, I hate hoppy beers, so don't be alarmed when I don't post about any "winter" IPAs, or other so-called winter beers that breweries run by putting to many hops in them.

I'm Thankful For a Bowl for the Hoosiers

Battling the elements and the overpowering stench of human and animal feces that perpetually hangs over West Lafayette, I was on hand to watch the Hoosiers dominate their arch-rivals from Purdue, 54-36, to keep the Old Oaken Bucket.  This was a significant win for several reasons:
1.  Because fuck Purdue.
2.  It was the Hoosiers' sixth win, meaning they will go bowling for the first time since 2007.
3.  The 54 points were the most points IU has ever scored against Purdue.
4.  It is the first time since winning the Bucket game four times in a row from 1944 to 1947 that IU has won at least three in a row against Purdue.
5.  With the win, the Hoosiers won two consecutive Big Ten road games for the first time since 1993.

Now, the only remaining question is in which bowl IU will be playing.  Back in late September, after the Hoosiers started 4-0, I posted the top ten bowls I thought IU would play in.  I didn't imagine that IU would lose by a touchdown to Ohio State, Iowa, and Michigan, nor did I imagine that they would blow a 25-point third-quarter lead to Rutgers at home or lose six in a row.  My biggest fear was that they would somehow shit the bed and only win one more game, which I think had the potential to set the program back another five years, since I think Kevin Wilson may not have survived.  But alas, they won their last two games to go 6-6, and that's all that matters.  Here is where the "experts" project the Hoosiers will play in a bowl (all times Eastern):
-Pinstripe Bowl (New York, NY; 12/26 3:30 p.m.) (Brett McMurphy and Mark Schlabach of ESPN, SB Nation, Campus Insiders, Yahoo, Sporting News, College Football News)
-Foster Farms Bowl (Santa Clara, CA; 12/26 9:15 p.m.) (Jerry Palm of CBS Sports, Sports Illustrated, Fox Sports, Bleacher Report)

Other realistic possibilities include:
-Quick Lane Bowl (Detroit, MI; 12/28 5 p.m.)
-Armed Forces Bowl (Fort Worth, TX; 12/29 2 p.m)
-Music City Bowl (Nashville, TN; 12/30 7 p.m.)
-Holiday Bowl (San Diego, CA; 12/30 10:30 p.m.)
-TaxSlayer Bowl (Jacksonville, FL; 1/2 12 p.m.)

I will be happy with any of these bowls, but being a selfish human, I'd much prefer one the non-December 26 bowls, since I don't have a chance in hell of traveling to New York or the Bay Area on Christmas Day.  Then again, Christmas comes once a year, while an IU bowl berth doesn't, Jester.

Retro Video of the Week: "Purdue's Mascot" by Bob Knight

Given that it's Bucket week, it's important for everyone to know how much Purdue Sucks.  A few years ago, I posted a video of the time Bob Knight had Purdue's mascot on his coaching show, after Purdue's athletic director refused to come on.  Frankly, I'm not sure there's much of a difference between the two, but for posterity's sake -- and by "posterity," I mean "making fun of that shit stain of a school in West Lafayette" -- I figured I would post it again.  As always, fuck Purdue, fuck Purdue's football team, fuck Purdue's stadium, fuck Purdue's stupid giant drum, fuck Purdue students, fuck Purdue alumni, fuck Purdue fans, but never, under any circumstances, fuck a Purdue woman.  Hoosier Up!

Undefeated After Week 12 and a Bucket To Boot

I once again find myself in a position of having to apologize for not posting a Tuesday Top Ten.  Between celebrating the Hoosiers' come-from-behind victory over Maryland on Saturday, work, terrifying my kids with stories about Krampus, and pretending to do like a thousand pushups -- which I do every Tuesday night each November –- I just didn't have enough time.

Now about those Hoosiers.  What a win.  After finding themselves in a 21-3 hole in the first quarter to a horrible Maryland team, the Hoosiers flipped a switch, outscoring the Terps 44-7 the rest of the game, for a 47-28 win.  This brings IU's record to 5-6.  With another win, the Hoosiers will be bowl-eligible for the first time since the 2007 season.  The only thing standing in their way is that glorified two-year technical college in West Lafayette, Indiana. 

A win would mean IU would keep the Old Oaken Bucket –- which I believe is physically the oldest trophy in major college football, as the bucket itself dates back to the 1840s –- for a third year in a row for the first time since the 1940s.  Yes, that's how bad IU football has been over the past seven decades.

Given what's on the line, I am likely going to be heading down to that chum bucket called Ross-Aide Stadium for the first time since IU beat Purdue 33-14 in 1996 in Bill Mallory's last game as IU's head coach.  A small contingent of IU fans, including me, rushed the field after the game, in order to celebrate with the team.  I was knocked to the ground by a Purdue linebacker.  "Calm down, I'm not trying to steal your cowpie collection, you fucking ingrate" is what I would have said if he wasn't six inches taller and fifty pounds heavier than me and wasn't wearing football pads and a helmet. 

Sure, the stench on Saturday will be nearly unbearable, but plugging my nose and having to spend three and a half hours among overfed, mouth-breathing humanoids who haven't mastered toilet paper will be worth it if I can see the Hoosiers hoist that Bucket when the clock hits zero.

There were also football contests between other NCAA teams this past weekend.  In fact, three of the five remaining unbeaten teams suffered their first losses of the season.  The Big Ten's wicked witch, #3 Ohio State, ended its 23-game winning streak with a 17-14 loss to #9 Michigan State at the Horseshoe.  Everyone outside the State of Ohio rejoiced.  #6 Oklahoma State lost at home to #10 Baylor.  The underdogs' only hope, #19 Houston shit the bed on the road at UConn.  That leaves only Clemson and Iowa as the remaining two unbeatens in the FBS.

The following teams are the top four in this week's College Football Playoff rankings (along with each team's best win and worst loss, where applicable):

1.  Clemson (9-0)

Best win:  #6 Notre Dame (10/3; 24-22)

Worst loss:  N/A

2.  Alabama (8-1)

Best win:  #21 Mississippi State (11/14; 31-6)

Worst loss:  Ole Miss (9/19; 43-37)

3.  Oklahoma (10-1)

Best win:  at #7 Baylor (11/14; 44-34)

Worst loss: at Texas (10/17; 24-17)

4.  Iowa (11-0)

Best win:  at #16 Northwestern (10/17; 40-10)

Worst loss:  N/A

Needless to say, I was overjoyed to see Ohio State and Notre Dame drop out of the top four.  Oklahoma's rise to the top four is not too surprising, as they have been playing great lately, winning at Baylor and beating TCU at home the past two weeks.  This weekend's game against #11 Oklahoma State in Stillwater will be one of the biggest Bedlam games in recent memory, with the winner having a pretty good shot at getting into the playoff, although the Cowboys may get edged out of the playoff even if they win, depending on whether Baylor wins out, since Baylor beat Oklahoma State. 

Meanwhile, Iowa has kept on winning to run their record to 11-0.  Unless and until they lose, the Hawkeyes are in the playoff. This weekend, they play an up-and-down 5-6 Nebraska team, who needs a win to be bowl-eligible.  The Hawkeyes are only one-point favorites in Lincoln, which should make some betting types salivate.  The question looming large is whether the Nebraska team that shows up is the one who lost to Purdue (giving the Boilers their only Big Ten win) or the one who handed Michigan State is only loss of the season (albeit controversially).

Iowa's opponent in the Big Ten title game is still up in the air, as the Big Ten East has not crowned a champion.  If Michigan State beats Penn State this weekend, the Spartans will go to the Big Ten title game.  If Michigan State loses, and Ohio State beats Michigan, then Ohio State would go to the title game.  If Michigan State loses, and Michigan beats Ohio State, then Michigan would go to the title game.

Here is a breakdown of the undefeated teams and each team's remaining games and best win (rankings are CFB Playoff Committee rankings):

#1 Clemson 11-0

11/28 – at South Carolina (3-8)

12/5 – #14 North Carolina (10-1) (ACC championship game in Charlotte)

Remaining opponents' combined record:  13-9 (.591)

Best win:  #6 Notre Dame (10/3; 24-22)

#5 Iowa 11-0

11/27 – at Nebraska (5-6)

12/5 – Big Ten championship game (Indianapolis) - TBD

Remaining opponents' combined record:  5-6 (.455)

Best win:  at #16 Northwestern (10/17; 40-10)

Midwestern Eavesdropping

During discussion of Michael J. Fox, a thirtysomething female says: "He has Alzheimer's, right?"

--Chicago

Eavesdropper: GMYH

Hair Band Friday - 11/20/15

1.  "Long Way To Love" by Britny Fox


2.  "Beat The Bullet" by Danger Danger


3.  "Give a Little" by L.A. Guns


4.  "Take Me Back" by Cinderella


5.  "I've Got To Be Free" by The Scorpions


6.  "Honestly" by Stryper


7.  "Don't Lie To Me" by Dokken


8.  "One Step Away" by Ratt


9.  "Three Lock Box" by Sammy Hagar


10.  "Take Your Whiskey Home" by Van Halen

Retro Video of the Week: "Never Say Never" by Romeo Void

When I tuned into ABC last night at nine, I discovered that Wicked City's run managed to last a whole three episodes.  It was a great premise:  Chuck Bass is a serial killer in the early '80s, who finds his prey on the Sunset Strip, and then meets Erika Christensen, a sadistic nurse with whom he will share his secret.  It combined one of my biggest fascinations (serial killers) with my favorite time and place in history (the Sunset Strip in the early to mid '80s), but for whatever reason, the execution (no pun intended) just wasn't there.  In its brief run, Wicked City featured some pretty awesome music, even if some of it came out after 1982, when the three episodes were set.

In the first episode, as our serial killer was getting ready to head down to the Strip to, well, murder an innocent woman, the song "Never Say Never" by Romeo Void was playing, and he was singing along during the chorus –- "I might like you better if we slept together."  This was particularly creepy if you consider that the character liked to bang dead chicks.

But anyway, in honor of the three Wicked City episodes that aired, this week's Retro Video of the Week is "Never Say Never," a catchy little new wave ditty that talks about Sunset girls.

Undefeated After Week 11

Apologies for not posting a Tuesday Top Ten yesterday.  I was still mourning the Hoosiers' 48-41 2OT loss to Michigan on Saturday.  They were one defensive stop away from beating the Wolverines for the first time since 1987.  That's now three Top 15 teams (OSU, Iowa, and Michigan) to which IU has lost by a touchdown and another one (MSU) that we should have been leading in the fourth quarter had our normally automatic kicker not missed a field goal.  Some people think that might be a step in the right direction (and it is), but it doesn't make it any easier to swallow.  Onto Maryland and Purdue for the Hoosiers.  They need to win both games to go bowling.

There were also some games that other people cared about this past weekend.  We are now down to five undefeated teams, as #6 Baylor lost 44-34 to #12 Oklahoma in Waco.  Other than that, #1 Clemson beat Syracuse 37-27, #3 Ohio State handled Illinois 28-3, #5 Iowa held off Minnesota 40-35 to keep Floyd of Rosedale, #8 Oklahoma State escaped Ames with a 35-31 win over Iowa State, and #24 Houston topped #21 Memphis 35-34.

The top four in the College Football Playoff rankings remain unchanged.  Here they are (along with each team's best win and worst loss, where applicable):

1.  Clemson (10-0)

Best win:  #4 Notre Dame (10/3; 24-22)

Worst loss:  N/A

2.  Alabama (9-1)

Best win:  #15 LSU (11/7; 30-16)

Worst loss:  #22 Ole Miss (9/19; 43-37)

3.  Ohio State (10-0)

Best win:  Penn State (10/17; 38-10)

Worst loss: N/A

4.  Notre Dame (9-1)

Best win:  #16 Navy (10/10; 41-24)

Worst loss:  at #1 Clemson (10/3; 24-22)

Go Michigan State, Charleston Southern, and Boston College.

Here is a breakdown of the undefeated teams and each team's remaining games and best win (rankings are CFB Playoff Committee rankings):

#1 Clemson 10-0

11/21 – Wake Forest (3-7)

11/28 – at South Carolina (3-7)

12/5 – ACC championship game (Charlotte) - TBD

Remaining opponents' combined record:  6-14 (.300)

Best win:  #4 Notre Dame (10/3; 24-22)

#3 Ohio St. 10-0

11/21 - #9 Michigan State (9-1)

11/28 – at #12 Michigan (8-2)

12/5 – Big Ten championship game (Indianapolis) - TBD

Remaining opponents' combined record:  17-3 (.850)

Best win:  Penn State (10/17; 38-10)

#5 Iowa 10-0

11/21 – at Purdue (2-8)

11/27 – at Nebraska (5-6)

12/5 – Big Ten championship game (Indianapolis) - TBD

Remaining opponents' combined record:  7-14 (.333)

Best win:  at #20 Northwestern (10/17; 40-10)

#6 Oklahoma St. 10-0

11/21 - #10 Baylor (9-0)

11/28 - #7 Oklahoma (8-1)

Remaining opponents' combined record:  17-1 (.944)

Best win:  #18 TCU (11/7; 49-29)

#19 Houston 10-0

11/21 – at Connecticut (5-5)

11/27 – #16 Navy (8-1)

12/5 – Conference USA championship game (hosted by divisional champion with best record) - TBD

Remaining opponents' combined record:  20-7 (.741)

Best win:  #21 Memphis (11/14; 35-34)

Hair Band Friday - 11/13/15

1.  "Ripping Me" by BulletBoys


2.  "Use It Or Lose It" by Mötley Crüe


3.  "Heavy Metal" by Sammy Hagar


4.  "Heads I Win, Tails You Lose" by Ratt


5.  "Grinder" by Judas Priest


6.  "Nothin' But a Good Time" by Poison


7.  "Rocket Queen" by Guns N' Roses


8.  "Wild in the Streets" by Bon Jovi


9.  "Move It" by Great White


10.  "Love of a Lifetime" by FireHouse

Undefeated After Week 10

And just like that, we're down from ten to six undefeated teams.  #2 LSU was beaten down by Nick Saban's evil empire, 30-16.  #7 Michigan State surrendered 13 points in the final two minutes to Nebraska to lose 39-38 on a controversial no-call, after a Nebraska receiver went out of bounds and came back in before catching the ball and scoring.  #8 TCU got manhandled by Oklahoma State, 49-29.  And the underdogs' favorite, #13 Memphis was beaten handily by Navy, 45-20.

Meanwhile, my Hoosiers played admirably against undefeated Iowa, but too many dropped passes doomed IU, leading to a 35-27 Hawkeyes' win.  If there is a bright side to the loss, it's that Iowa vaulted from #9 to #5 in the College Football Playoff rankings, proving that beating IU in Bloomington is apparently impresses the College Football Playoff Selection Committee.

The following teams are the top four in this week's College Football Playoff rankings (along with each team's best win and worst loss, where applicable):

1.  Clemson (9-0)

Best win:  #4 Notre Dame (10/3; 24-22)

Worst loss:  N/A

2.  Alabama (8-1)

Best win:  #9 LSU (11/7; 30-16)

Worst loss:  Ole Miss (9/19; 43-37)

3.  Ohio State (9-0)

Best win:  Penn State (10/17; 38-10)

Worst loss: N/A

4.  Notre Dame (8-1)

Best win:  #20 Navy (10/10; 41-24)

Worst loss:  at #1 Clemson (10/3; 24-22)

I won't be able to live with myself if there is a College Football Playoff with Notre Dame, Ohio State, and Alabama, so I strongly encourage their opponents to beat them and the other unbeaten teams to win out.

Here is a breakdown of the undefeated teams and each team's remaining games and best win (rankings are CFB Playoff Committee rankings):

#1 Clemson 9-0

11/14 – at Syracuse (3-6)

11/21 – Wake Forest (3-6)

11/28 – at South Carolina (3-6)

12/5 – ACC championship game (Charlotte) - TBD

Remaining opponents' combined record:  9-18 (.333)

Best win:  #4 Notre Dame (10/3; 24-22)

#3 Ohio St. 9-0

11/14 – at Illinois (5-4)

11/21 - #13 Michigan State (8-1)

11/28 – at #14 Michigan (8-2)

12/5 – Big Ten championship game (Indianapolis) - TBD

Remaining opponents' combined record:  21-7 (.750)

Best win:  Penn State (10/17; 38-10)

#5 Iowa 9-0

11/14 – Minnesota (4-5)

11/21 – at Purdue (2-7)

11/27 – at Nebraska (4-6)

12/5 – Big Ten championship game (Indianapolis) - TBD

Remaining opponents' combined record:  10-18 (.357)

Best win:  at #18 Northwestern (10/17; 40-10)

#6 Baylor 8-0

11/14 - #12 Oklahoma (8-1)

11/21 – at #8 Oklahoma State (9-0)

11/27 – at #15 TCU (8-1)

12/5 – Texas (4-5)

Remaining opponents' combined record:  29-7 (.806)

Best win:  Texas Tech (10/3; 63-35)

#8 Oklahoma St. 9-0

11/14 – at Iowa State (3-6)

11/21 - #6 Baylor (8-0)

11/28 - #12 Oklahoma (7-1)

Remaining opponents' combined record:  18-7 (.720)

Best win:  #15 TCU (11/7; 49-29)

#24 Houston 9-0

11/14 - #21 Memphis (8-1)

11/21 – at Connecticut (5-5)

11/27 – #20 Navy (7-1)

12/5 – Conference USA championship game (hosted by divisional champion with best record) - TBD

Remaining opponents' combined record:  20-7 (.741)

Best win:  at Louisville (9/12; 34-31)

Retro Video of the Week: "Hobo Humpin' Slobo Babe" by Whale

"Hobo humpin' slobo babe" is not a phrase that one easily forgets, but somehow, I did for about twenty years.  Then, at some point last week, it popped into my head again.  The 1993 song of the same name by Swedish alternative band Whale was a minor hit, receiving some decent MTV airplay, which is where I would have seen/heard it.  I don't really remember hearing it on Q101, but that doesn't mean I didn't.  Great story.  Anyway, it's one of those great random songs that could only be made in the '90s.  The video is strange on a variety of levels, but it must have caught someone's eye because it won the inaugural MTV Europe Music Award for Best Video.

Tuesday Top Ten: Saved By The Bell Episodes

You may have heard that Saved By The Bell is one of my favorite shows ever.  I think I have seen every episode -- from Good Morning Miss Bliss to Bayside to the College Years -- multiple times, and I will hopefully see all of them again multiple times.

Last Tuesday marked the 25th anniversary of the airing of "Jessie's Song" (thanks to Tron for the link) -- perhaps the most enduring of the Saved By The Bell episodes.  In the ninth episode of the show's second season, Kelly, Lisa, and Jessie form the fitness-centric pop singing group Hot Sundae.  The group began to gain some traction, thanks to their poignant cover of The Pointer Sisters' "I'm So Excited" and their original composition, "Put Your Mind To It (Go For It (Get Down and Break a Sweat))," an unabashed ode to anorexia athletica.  The record industry took notice, and a producer scheduled a recording session for the group (probably more of a "meet my little friend, Mr. Noodle" kind of thing, but a step in the right direction for Hot Sundae nonetheless).  But there was something they hadn't counted on:  Jessie Spano's inability to handle midterms and a potential singing career without the help of uppers.  Hopped up on caffeine pills, Jessie became overly excited about everything, but with dizzying highs come plunging lows.  While studying for her geometry midterm -- a test that, if she did not ace, would doom any chance she had of getting into Stanford -- she fell asleep.  Zack came to get Jessie for Hot Sundae's session with the producer to find her mid-slumber.  When he woke her up and explained that she didn't have enough time to get ready because they had to go to see the producer right now, she freaked out.  "There's never enough time!" she shouted, before claiming that she's "never going to get into Stanford."  That's when she turned to the drugs.  Caffeine pills could help her do anything.  Zack got pissed, smacked the pills out of her hands and told her she couldn't sing in this condition.  That's when we got one of the most important moments in television history:


Presumably in honor of the 25th anniversary of this episode, Vulture.com decided to rank every Saved By The Bell episode from worst to first.  "Jessie's Song" came in at #1, predictably.  It's a great list, and certainly brought back wonderful memories of Saturday mornings between 1989 and 1993, and then weekday mornings on TBS pretty much since then.

My ten favorite SBTB episodes (not including the Good Morning Miss Bliss year) are as follows (in chronological order with the episode number after), with a brief description.  For a longer description of the episodes, see the Vulture.com article

1.  "Pinned to the Mat" (#9)
I can't believe Slater quit the wrestling team and Screech had to wrestle Niedick!

2.  "Jessie's Song" (#29)
I'm still so excited.

3.  "The Fabulous Belding Boys" (#31)
Mr. Belding's younger, hipper brother -- who could be a Michael Bolton stunt double -- appears to do some substitute teaching.  He woos the kids with his blond locks, only to ditch out on taking them white water rafting to hook up with some flight attendants.  You can't really blame him, but Mr. Belding sure does.

4.  "Fake IDs" (#43)
The best part of this episode is that they got fake IDs that said they were 18, so that they could go dancing at The Attic.  Of course, they exposed Jeff Hunter as the two-timing bastard he was.

5.  "Pipe Dreams" (#45)
Oil is discovered underneath Bayside, obviously.  But will the school choose riches or righteousness?

6.  "SATs" (#46)
Zack turns out to be smarter than Jessie when it comes to standardized tests.  But he's still lazier than everyone else!

7.  "No Hope With Dope" (#55)
Johnny Dakota talked a big game when it came to saying no to drugs, but it turns out, he was just another Hollywood reefer addict.

8.  "Rockumentary" (#56)
Zack Attack.  "Friends Forver."  Enough said.

9.  "Mystery Weekend" (#60)
The gang's parents for some reason let them all stay in a murder mystery hotel together for a weekend.  But when the game ends, did it really end?

10.  "Teen Line" (#66)
The gang starts a teen help line, which Zack predictably exploits to try to hook up with a girl, who ends up being in a wheelchair, who he ends up humiliating by pointing out that she is the "only one who has to be in a wheelchair" during a charity wheelchair basketball game.

Splatter Up

It's been a while since I've riffed on workplace bathroom etiquette, mainly because I haven't had a need -– which I take as a good sign.  As you may recall, years ago, I had some issues with fecal phantomism at my former places of employ.  Grown men would literally enter the bathroom, shit, possibly wipe, and then dart out of the bathroom, usually without washing his hands, all in under a minute.  It's unthinkable in a civilized society.

The men's room at work consists of four stalls and four urinals.  The urinals are inconsequential for purposes of this story, but I'd like you to know that they're there.  Today, I entered the bathroom for my daily afternoon toilet nap.  The second stall was occupied, so I went to the fourth stall, in accordance with the strict rules of the buffer stall.  

You can imagine my horror when I saw specks of splattered shit on the toilet seat.  Now sure, occasionally, it's not out of the question for there to be some splatter on the inside of the toilet bowl, above the water level.  After all, there are some people who drink coffee and eat spicy foods all in the same day.  But on the top of the toilet seat?  That's just not right.  I had the following concerns about what I saw:

1.  This forced me to abandon everything I believe in and take the third stall, with no buffer stall between me and the second stall.  Awkwardness ensued, on my side of the stall wall, anyway.

2.  Who is this man whose bowels are so explosive that they are spraying on top of the toilet seat?  We share our floor with two other companies, so my sincere hope is that I do not work with whatever monster did this.

3.  When this person got up, did he not notice his fecal matter all over the toilet seat?  If he did, why didn't he at least have the decency to wipe it up?  If he didn't notice it, I'm almost more concerned, since someone so oblivious probably wouldn't think to wash his hands after wiping his ass.

4.  Nearly three years ago, something very similar happened in the second stall.  What if what I saw today and back in 2012 wasn't human excrement at all, but rather blood streaks and splatters after a ghoulie pulled a surprise attack on an unsuspecting toilet goer?  Just in case, I'm going to start taking a buck knife with me every time I use a work toilet.

New Book: No Angel: My Harrowing Undercover Journey to the Inner Circle of the Hells Angels by Jay Dobyns and Nils Johnson-Shelton

Over a month ago, I finished reading Thin Lizzy: The Boys Are Back in Town by Scott Gorham and Harry Doherty, a biography of Thin Lizzy penned by their longtime guitarist Scott Gorham and music journalist Harry Doherty (who was close with the band).  I enjoyed it, not only because I love Thin Lizzy, but also because it had a lot of great photos of the band.  Overall, I thought it was a little superficial in that it didn't delve into certain issues as deeply as I would have liked, but I don't think that was the purpose of the book, so I can't fault it for that.

I then took some time off from reading so that I could achieve three stars on all levels of Angry Birds: Star Wars.  I finished that up last week, at which time I realized I had carpal tunnel syndrome -- not to mention full-blown AIDS -- but no books in my queue.  After an exhaustive vetting process of asking friends on Facebook for recommendations, I ordered a few books.  The first to arrive was No Angel: My Harrowing Undercover Journey to the Inner Circle of the Hells Angels by Jay Dobyns and Nils Johnson-Shelton.  Dobyns is an ATF special agent who infiltrated the Arizona Hells Angels for several years, and this is his account of what happened.  I imagine it will be pretty good, and hopefully I can finally get some closure on Altamont.  Also, since the book arrived, every time I look at the cover or think of the title, I get Gregg Allman's "I'm No Angel" in my head.  And then I think of Amy Poehler and Josh Brolin on SNL.  And then I laugh.

Books read in 2015:
-Bowie:  A Biography by Marc Spitz
-The Producer:  John Hammond and The Soul of American Music by Dunstan Prial
-Walk This Way:  The Autobiography of Aerosmith by Aerosmith with Stephen Davis
-The Shining by Stephen King
-Doctor Sleep by Stephen King
-Thin Lizzy: The Boys Are Back in Town by Scott Gorham and Harry Doherty

Hair Band Friday - 11/6/15

1.  "Suite Sister Mary" by Queensrÿche


2.  "Shoot For Thrills" by L.A. Guns


3.  "Hang Tough" by Tesla


4.  "Wait" by White Lion


5.  "Breakdown" by Guns N' Roses


6.  "I Want Action" by Poison


7.  "Fractured Love" by Def Leppard


8.  "Primal Scream" by Mötley Crüe


9.  "Mine All Mine" by Van Halen


10.  "Time To Surrender" by Winger

Midwestern Eavesdropping

Morbidly obese 50-something man, to co-worker: "I mean, can you get any better than a McDonalds breakfast?"

--Chicago

Eavesdropper: The Loose-Lipped Lithuanian

Retro Video of the Week: "Justify My Love" by Madonna

This Friday marks the 25th anniversary of the release of one of Madonna's most controversial songs:  "Justify My Love."  For those of us Gen Xers, we remember the song quite well because MTV banned the video for being too sexually explicit (even with nipples blurred out).  As a 13-year-old, I saw nothing wrong with it, and I still don't.

The controversy didn't hurt airplay, as the song became Madonna's ninth #1 song on the Billboard Hot 100 and cracked the top 10 in a dozen other countries.  Just as much as I remember the sultry video itself, I remember SNL's parody of the video, featuring Wayne and Garth, so I am embedding that below as well.  Interesting tidbit:  "Justify My Love" was co-written and produced by Lenny Kravitz.


WAYNE'S WORLD SKETCH 1990 featuring Madonna by kervez

Undefeated After Week 9

The first College Football Playoff rankings of the season came out yesterday, with Clemson garnering the top seed, followed by LSU, Ohio State, and Alabama.  The selection committee's rankings are released each Tuesday evening, so I'll be taking a look at the remaining undefeated teams each Wednesday.  Because you care.

The selection committee certainly undervalued Memphis at #13.  The Tigers are sitting at 8-0 and beat Mississippi (currently ranked #18 in the CFB rankings) pretty handily a few weeks ago –- a better win than #3 Ohio State, #4 Alabama, #5 Notre Dame, #6 Baylor, #8 Michigan State, #9 Iowa, and #11 Stanford have on their respective resumes.

Meanwhile, in the MAC, Northern Illinois ended #24 Toledo's perfect season last night at the Glass Bowl.  That leaves us with ten undefeated teams in the FBS.  Of course, many of these undefeated teams will play each other in the coming weeks, so the list should dwindle.  We could still end up with five undefeated teams at the end of the regular season, which would create a quandary for the selection committee, even if one of the undefeated teams is a non-Power Five team. 

Looking at the remaining games, Clemson has the second-easiest schedule, with only one team with a winning record (#16 Florida State this Saturday in Death Valley).  Assuming they get past FSU, the Tigers should cruise until the ACC Championship game, and should probably win that game as well, since there is no team in the Coastal Division on Clemson's level.

The next four weeks are going to be insane in the Big 12.  The remaining three undefeated Big 12 teams –- #6 Baylor, #8 TCU, and #14 Oklahoma State –- will all play each other and #15 Oklahoma (who is 7-1), so only one Big 12 team could possibly end the season without a loss.  We could once again see a situation where Baylor and TCU are both undefeated when they meet on November 27 in Fort Worth, potentially knocking each other out of the CFB Playoff for the second year in a row.  Oklahoma State plays TCU, Baylor, and Oklahoma at home.  We could also see a situation where Oklahoma State beats TCU and Baylor to set up a huge Bedlam game with Oklahoma in Stillwater on November 28.  Of course, if there are several one-loss Big 12 teams, I think they will all get screwed out of a spot in the Playoff because of the lack of a conference championship game.

In the Big Ten, #3 Ohio State and #7 Michigan State play each other in Columbus on November 21, which will determine the champion of the East Division.  Meanwhile, #9 Iowa has the easiest schedule left of any of the unbeatens and should cruise to the West Division title without a loss, assuming they can get past –- cough –- my 4-4 Hoosiers this Saturday in Bloomington.  This would set up a Big Ten title game between an undefeated OSU or MSU and an undefeated Iowa.

Only one of the two non-Power Five teams –- Memphis and Houston –- can make it through the regular season unscathed because they play each other in Houston on November.

Here is a breakdown of the undefeated teams and each team's remaining games (rankings are CFB Playoff Committee rankings):

#1 Clemson 8-0

11/7 – #16 Florida State (7-1)

11/14 – at Syracuse (3-5)

11/21 – Wake Forest (3-6)

11/28 – at South Carolina (3-5)

12/5 – ACC championship game (Charlotte) - TBD

Remaining opponents' combined record:  16-17 (.485)

#2 LSU 7-0

11/7 – at #4 Alabama (7-1)

11/14 – Arkansas (4-4)

11/21 – at #18 Mississippi (7-2)

11/28 – Texas A&M (6-2)

12/5 – SEC championship game (Atlanta) - TBD

Remaining opponents' combined record:  24-9 (.727)

#3 Ohio St. 8-0

11/7 – Minnesota (4-4)

11/14 – at Illinois (4-4)

11/21 - #7 Michigan State (8-0)

11/28 – at #17 Michigan (7-2)

12/5 – Big Ten championship game (Indianapolis) - TBD

Remaining opponents' combined record:  23-10 (.697)

#6 Baylor 7-0

11/5 – at Kansas State (3-4)

11/14 - #15 Oklahoma (7-1)

11/21 – at #14 Oklahoma State (8-0)

11/27 – at #8 TCU (8-0)

12/5 – Texas (3-5)

Remaining opponents' combined record:  29-10 (.744)

#7 Michigan St. 8-0

11/7 – at Nebraska (3-6)

11/14 – Maryland (2-6)

11/21 – at #3 Ohio State (8-0)

11/28 – Penn State (7-2)

12/5 – Big Ten championship game (Indianapolis) – TBD

Remaining opponents' combined record:  20-14 (.588)

#8 TCU 8-0

11/7 – at #14 Oklahoma State (8-0)

11/14 – Kansas (0-8)

11/21 – at #15 Oklahoma (7-1)

11/27 - #6 Baylor (7-0)

Remaining opponents' combined record:  22-9 (.710)

#9 Iowa 8-0

11/7 – at Indiana (4-4)

11/14 – Minnesota (4-4)

11/21 – at Purdue (2-6)

11/27 – at Nebraska (3-6)

12/5 – Big Ten championship game (Indianapolis) - TBD

Remaining opponents' combined record:  13-20 (.394)

#13 Memphis 8-0

11/7 – Navy (6-1)

11/14 – at #25 Houston (8-0)

11/21 – at #22 Temple (7-1)

11/28 – SMU (1-7)

12/5 – Conference USA championship game (hosted by divisional champion with best record) - TBD

Remaining opponents' combined record:  22-9 (.710)

#14 Oklahoma St. 8-0

11/7 - #8 TCU (8-0)

11/14 – at Iowa State (3-5)

11/21 - #6 Baylor (7-0)

11/28 - #15 Oklahoma (7-1)

Remaining opponents' combined record:  25-6 (.806)

#25 Houston 8-0

11/7 – Cincinnati (5-3)

11/14 - #13 Memphis (8-0)

11/21 – at Connecticut (4-5)

11/27 – Navy (6-1)

12/5 – Conference USA championship game (hosted by divisional champion with best record) - TBD

Remaining opponents' combined record:  23-9 (.719)

Tuesday Top Ten: Halloween Costumes (2015 Edition)

In case you were hiding under a rock -- which I frankly wouldn't believe anyway -- you know that this past Saturday was Halloween, which is my favorite holiday.

I prefer to stretch Halloween out as much as possible, so Friday night, I continued my relatively recent Halloween tradition of costume karaoke at Rocks.  We had a pretty good crowd this year.

I decided to go as the devil, and Jester went as a bat (which she has been several times before).  

The Prince of Darkness lent himself well to a variety of karaoke possibilities, since rock and roll is his music.  I went with "Sympathy for the Devil," "Highway to Hell," and Warrant's "Heaven."  It was poignant.

Not having had enough to drink, at about 1, several of us decided to go to Carol's, the country-tinged late night bar in Uptown.  When I walked in the door, the band looked at me.  Two of the band members refused to make eye contact with me for the rest of the night, even when I stood in front of them as they played "Dead Flowers" and stared intently while mouthing the words.

Saturday morning came quite quickly and with physical pain in or near my head.  Excedrin Migraine did its job admirably, allowing me to coach Daughter and Lollipop's soccer team to a decisive victory in the driving rain, clinching the league title in the process.  My "let the best kid pretty much do what he wants and score at will" strategy paid off.  After the game, Daughter asked me why everyone on every team got a trophy.  This coming from the girl who only had one assist this season.

The rain kept up most of the day, but finally ended around 4:30 or 5, so the kids could do some trick-or-treating.  Daughter was a witch, Lollipop was a mermaid with a penchant for fleece, and Son was Nemo.  They were both adorable in their costumes and vigilant in their quest for candy.

Because it is my goal to terrify children, for trick-or-treating, I dressed up as Death.

After an hour or two of trick-or-treating and post trick-or-treating drinks, I may or may not have harvested a couple children and their candy.

But enough about me.  As I do every year, I will rank the top ten costumes I saw, whether in person, on Facebook, or otherwise.

10.  Axl and Slash

You know I have a soft spot for GNR.  These are a couple of my friends.  I only hope he didn't down a bottle of Jack and pass out standing up, like I did when I dressed up as Slash back in 2010.

9.  Han Solo, Princess Leia, and Chewbacca

How long is a parsec, anyway?

8.  All Paul

This is Craig Finn and his touring band for his solo album.  As you know, I also enjoy any KISS related costume.

7.  The Most Interesting Man in the World

The bar didn't have Dos Equis.  Thankfully, he only prefers Dos Equis, so he made due.

6.  Ninja vs. Unicorn

This is a total beer nerd costume, courtesy of my friends Chris and Allison.  Chicago brewery Pipeworks has an IPA called Ninja vs. Unicorn, which is one of Chris's favorite beers.  If Ninja vs. Unicorn was a stout or a porter, this would have been higher on the list.

5.  Big Boy

This is my nephew, Big Boy.

4.  The tamale guy

If you've been to enough bars in Chicago, at some point, you have undoubtedly come across the tamale guy, a sweatshirted, mustachioed, ambiguously aged dude who sells homemade tamales out of a cooler to drunk people.  They are cheap and delicious.  This costumed tamale guy went so far as to buy 40 tacos from Taco Bell and hand them out at the bar.  If he had made his own tamales, he might have been #1.  

3.  '80s school picture guy

Whilst trick-or-treating, I came across this dad, who not only had the '80s garb and '80s laser school picture background, but he also went the extra step by shaving the lines in the side of his head.

2.  Sex Panther

It's quite pungent.  And a phenomenal costume.  In fact, it's made with bits of real panther, so you know it's good.

1.  McDowell's

There's a human costume, and then there's a store costume.  The legendary, insult-focused local hot dog stand, The Wiener's Circle, won Halloween this year by dressing itself up as McDowell's from Coming to America, both on the outside and with their employees' uniforms.  The best part is that it's across the street from a McDonald's.