However, I hope to change that -- your lack of enthusiasm about this year's World Cup, not the location of the 2026 World Cup. One of the ways to keep things interesting is to, well, keep things interesting. For instance, my family is having its own World Cup pool. I broke down each of the 8 groups by FIFA ranking, putting the top-ranked team in each group into one hat, the second-ranked in each group into another hat, and so on. Each of the five of us in the family drew a team from Hat 1, Hat 2, Hat 3, and Hat 4, and then we each got one other team from the remaining Hat 1/2 teams and one from the remaining Hat 3/4 teams. So, we each got six teams, with some draws clearly better than others:
- Me: Uruguay, Colombia, Croatia, Sweden, Australia, Morocco
- Jester: Brazil, Portugal, Spain, Denmark, Saudi Arabia, Serbia
- Daughter: Germany, Poland, England, Iceland, Russia, South Korea
- Lollipop: Argentina, Belgium, Switzerland, Costa Rica, Iran, Panama
- Son: France, Egypt, Peru, Senegal, Tunisia, Nigeria
Teams that don't make it out of the group stage get no points. Here are how the points work after that:
-For Hat 1 teams: 1 point for making it to Round of 16, 2 points for making it to the quarterfinals, 3 points for 4th place, 4 points for 3rd place, 5 points for runner up, and 6 points for winning it all
-For Hat 2 teams: 2 for Round of 16, 4 for quarterfinals, 5 for 4th place, 6 for 3rd place, 7 for runner up, 8 for winning it all
-For Hat 3 teams: 3 for Round of 16, 5 for quarterfinals, 7 for 4th place, 8 for 3rd place, 9 for runner up, 10 for winning it all
-For Hat 4 teams: 4 for Round of 16, 6 for quarterfinals, 9 for 4th place, 10 for 3rd place, 11 for runner up, 12 for winning it all
Whoever has the highest point total when it's over gets to choose where the family eats dinner -- but the kicker (soccer pun intended, motherfuckers!) is that he or she must choose a restaurant from his or her group of countries. I note that the two teams that were not chosen were Mexico and Japan, both of which would have been superb and popular choices for a winning dinner.
But if gambling on the possibility of Nigerian food in late July isn't your bag, here are some fun facts about each team to get you more acquainted with all 32 teams. FIFA rankings are as of June 7, 2018, and the number of World Cup appearances includes this year.
Group A
Egypt
Nickname: The Pharoahs
FIFA ranking: 45
Number of World Cup appearances: 3
Last World Cup and finish: 1990 (Group Stage)
Last win in World Cup play: None
Best finish in World Cup: Group Stage (1934, 1990)
Fun fact: Along with Norway, Egypt holds the record for longest drought between World Cup appearances, going 56 years (1934-1990) between appearances. Mo Salah was not born the last time Egypt made the World Cup.
Nickname: The National Team
FIFA ranking: 70
Number of World Cup appearances: 4 (not including the USSR's appearances)
Last World Cup and finish: 2014 (Group Stage)
Last win in World Cup play: 2002 (vs. Tunisia in group play)
Best finish in World Cup: Group Stage (1994, 2002, 2014)
Fun fact: In Russia, World Cup plays you.
Saudi Arabia
Nickname: The Green One or The Green Falcons
FIFA ranking: 67
Number of World Cup appearances: 5
Last World Cup and finish: 2006 (Group Stage)
Last win in World Cup play: 1994 (vs. Morocco in group play)
Best finish in World Cup: Round of 16 (1994)
Fun fact: The Green Falcons have a rabid traveling fan club called Saudis Nuts.
Uruguay
Nickname: The Sky Blue
FIFA ranking: 14
Number of World Cup appearances: 13
Last World Cup and finish: 2014 (Round of 16)
Last win in World Cup play: 2014 (vs. Italy in group play)
Best finish in World Cup: Champions (1930, 1950)
Fun fact: Luis Suarez uses a specially made tooth sharpener, crafted by artisans in Montevideo out of diamonds, so that he is sure to break skin every time he sinks his teeth into an opponent.
Group B
Iran
Nickname: Team Melli, Persian Stars, The Iranian Lions, The Lions of Persia, Lion Hearts, Princes of Persia
FIFA ranking: 37
Number of World Cup appearances: 5
Last World Cup and finish: 2014 (Group Stage)
Last win in World Cup play: 1998 (vs. USA in group play)
Best finish in World Cup: Group Stage (1978, 1998, 2006, 2014)
Fun fact: To even be considered to be a member of Team Melli, a player must own at least two Persian cats.
Morocco
Nickname: Atlas Lions
FIFA ranking: 41
Number of World Cup appearances: 5
Last World Cup and finish: 1998 (Group Stage)
Last win in World Cup play: 1998 (vs. Scotland in group play)
Best finish in World Cup: Round of 16 (1986)
Fun fact: Before every home game, the team blares Crosby, Stills & Nash's "Marrakesh Express" in the stadium to pump up the crowd and the team -- and to send a message to its opponent.
Portugal
Nickname: The Navigators
FIFA ranking: 4
Number of World Cup appearances: 7
Last World Cup and finish: 2014 (Group Stage)
Last win in World Cup play: 2014 (vs. Ghana in group play)
Best finish in World Cup: Third Place (1966)
Fun fact: Christiano Ronaldo's teeth are made the tusks of the rare Portuguese white elephant.
Spain
Nickname: The Red Fury, The Fury, The Red
FIFA ranking: 10
Number of World Cup appearances: 14
Last World Cup and finish: 2014 (Group Stage)
Last win in World Cup play: 2014 (vs. Australia in group play)
Best finish in World Cup: Champions (2010)
Fun fact: Spain made the interesting decision to fire its coach two days before its first World Cup game this year, despite strong opposition from team members. We'll see if the "chaos and resentment" strategy pays off.
Group C
Australia
Nickname: Socceroos
FIFA ranking: 36
Number of World Cup appearances: 5
Last World Cup and finish: 2014 (Group Stage)
Last win in World Cup play: 2010 (vs. Serbia in group play)
Best finish in World Cup: Round of 16 (2006)
Fun fact: There have been no assault rifle attacks by any member of the Socceroos since the 1996 ban went into effect.
Denmark
Nickname: Danish Dynamite
FIFA ranking: 12
Number of World Cup appearances: 5
Last World Cup and finish: 2010 (Group Stage)
Last win in World Cup play: 2010 (vs. Cameroon in group play)
Best finish in World Cup: Quarterfinals (1998)
Fun fact: Since 1989, the entire team has gathered in the locker room before each and every match -- no trainers, no staff, no press -- to watch The Little Mermaid.
France
Nickname: Les Bleus (The Blues)
FIFA ranking: 7
Number of World Cup appearances: 15
Last World Cup and finish: 2014 (Quarterfinals)
Last win in World Cup play: 2014 (vs. Nigeria in Round of 16)
Best finish in World Cup: Champions (1998)
Fun fact: Les Bleus have been taking headbutting lessons from none other than French soccer legend Zinedene Zidane.
Peru
Nickname: The White and Red, The Incas
FIFA ranking: 11
Number of World Cup appearances: 5
Last World Cup and finish: 1982 (Group Stage)
Last win in World Cup play: 1978 (vs. Iran in group play)
Best finish in World Cup: Quarterfinals (1970)
Fun fact: Descending from the Andes, The Red and White have never won a match played below 13,000 feet above sea level.
Group D
Argentina
Nickname: The Albiceleste
FIFA ranking: 5
Number of World Cup appearances: 17
Last World Cup and finish: 2014 (runner up)
Last win in World Cup play: 2014 (vs. Netherlands in semifinals)
Best finish in World Cup: Champions (1978, 1986)
Fun fact: Lionel Messi is good at kicking a soccer ball.
Croatia
Nickname: The Blazers
FIFA ranking: 20
Number of World Cup appearances: 5 (not counting 1930-1990, when it was part of Yugoslavia)
Last World Cup and finish: 2014 (Group Stage)
Last win in World Cup play: 2014 (vs. Cameroon in group play)
Best finish in World Cup: Third Place (1998)
Fun fact: Whenever any of the members of The Blazers visits Bloomington, Indiana, he is treated to a free entree at Janko's Little Zagreb with the purchase of an entree of equal or lesser value.
Iceland
Nickname: Our Boys
FIFA ranking: 22
Number of World Cup appearances: 1
Last World Cup and finish: None
Last win in World Cup play: N/A
Best finish in World Cup: N/A
Fun fact: Their nickname should be The Vikings. I don't know why their nickname isn't The Vikings.
Nigeria
Nickname: Super Eagles
FIFA ranking: 48
Number of World Cup appearances: 6
Last World Cup and finish: 2014 (Round of 16)
Last win in World Cup play: 2014 (vs. Bosnia and Herzegovina in group play)
Best finish in World Cup: Round of 16 (1994, 1998, 2014)
Fun fact: The team is funded by The Minister of Finance, who sends out unsolicited fundraising emails to kind recipients around the world.
Group E
Brazil
Nickname: The Squad, Little Canary, The Green and Yellow
FIFA ranking: 2
Number of World Cup appearances: 21
Last World Cup and finish: 2014 (Fourth Place)
Last win in World Cup play: 2014 (vs. Colombia in the quarterfinals)
Best finish in World Cup: Champions (1958, 1962, 1970, 1994, 2002)
Fun fact: Brazil is the only country that has qualified for every World Cup.
Costa Rica
Nickname: Los Ticos
FIFA ranking: 23
Number of World Cup appearances: 5
Last World Cup and finish: 2014 (Quarterfinals)
Last win in World Cup play: 2014 (vs. Greece in Round of 16)
Best finish in World Cup: Quarterfinals (2014)
Fun fact: After Los Ticos' whimsical trip to the quarterfinals of the World Cup in 2014, they totally went zip lining.
Serbia
Nickname: The Eagles
FIFA ranking: 34
Number of World Cup appearances: 4 (counting appearances post-Yugoslavia as Federal Republic of Yugoslavia in 2002 and Serbia and Montenegro in 2006, but not as part of Yugoslavia from 1930-1990)
Last World Cup and finish: 2010 (Group Stage)
Last win in World Cup play: 2010 (vs. Germany in group play)
Best finish in World Cup: Round of 16 (1998)
Fun fact: After every win, the team does a shot of Šljivovica. After every loss, the team does a shot of Šljivovica.
Switzerland
Nickname: Die Nati
FIFA ranking: 6
Number of World Cup appearances: 11
Last World Cup and finish: 2014 (Round of 16)
Last win in World Cup play: 2014 (vs. Honduras in group play)
Best finish in World Cup: Quarterfinals (1934, 1938, 1954)
Fun fact: They're neutral.
Group F
Germany
Nickname: Die Mannschaft
FIFA ranking: 1
Number of World Cup appearances: 19 (including West Germany from 1950 to 1990)
Last World Cup and finish: 2014 (champions)
Last win in World Cup play: 2014 (vs. Argentina in final)
Best finish in World Cup: Champions (1954, 1974, 1990, 2014)
Fun fact: Forward André Schürrle is known as such as huge fan of the movie Airplane that a running joke among the German press during press conferences with Schürrle is to follow up one of his answers with "Schürrle, you can't be serious."
Mexico
Nickname: El Tri
FIFA ranking: 15
Number of World Cup appearances: 16
Last World Cup and finish: 2014 (Round of 16)
Last win in World Cup play: 2014 (vs. Croatia in group play)
Best finish in World Cup: Quarterfinals (1970, 1986)
Fun fact: Mexico is like the Atlanta Braves of the 1990s-2000s. They always make it to the World Cup, but just can't seem to win the big one. Bad hombres, indeed.
South Korea
Nickname: Taegeuk Warriors
FIFA ranking: 57
Number of World Cup appearances: 10
Last World Cup and finish: 2014 (Group Stage)
Last win in World Cup play: 2010 (vs. Greece in group play)
Best finish in World Cup: Fourth Place (2002)
Fun fact: These guys think this whole North Korea denuclearization story is bullshit too.
Sweden
Nickname: The Blue-Yellow
FIFA ranking: 24
Number of World Cup appearances: 12
Last World Cup and finish: 2006 (Round of 16)
Last win in World Cup play: 2006 (vs. Paraguay in group play)
Best finish in World Cup: Runner Up (1958)
Fun fact: Until 2009, the Blue-Yellow played in bikinis. Thanks, Obama.
Group G
Belgium
Nickname: The Red Devils
FIFA ranking: 3
Number of World Cup appearances: 13
Last World Cup and finish: 2014 (Quarterfinals)
Last win in World Cup play: 2014 (vs. USA in Round of 16)
Best finish in World Cup: Fourth Place (1986)
Fun fact: This year, Belgium has started using a new slogan for The Red Devils: "Heavy Beer, Waffles, Chocolate, Mussels, Van Damme, Frites, and Football: That's What Belgium Does."
England
Nickname: The Three Lions
FIFA ranking: 12
Number of World Cup appearances: 15
Last World Cup and finish: 2014 (Group Stage)
Last win in World Cup play: 2010 (vs. Slovenia in group play)
Best finish in World Cup: Champions (1966)
Fun fact: After every slide tackle, members of the Three Lions are required to say "terribly sorry, old chap."
Panama
Nickname: Los Canaleros (The Canal Men)
FIFA ranking: 55
Number of World Cup appearances: 1
Last World Cup and finish: None
Last win in World Cup play: N/A
Best finish in World Cup: N/A
Fun fact: The team's favorite Van Halen song off of the 1984 album is "Top Jimmy."
Tunisia
Nickname: The Eagles of Carthage
FIFA ranking: 21
Number of World Cup appearances: 5
Last World Cup and finish: 2006 (Group Stage)
Last win in World Cup play: 1978 (vs. Mexico in group play)
Best finish in World Cup: Group Stage (1978, 1998, 2002, 2006)
Fun fact: Not a single Eagle of Carthage is from Carthage. Hell, half of 'em haven't even been there. It's like they don't even have any respect for what happened in the Third Punic War.
Group H
Colombia
Nickname: Los Cafeteros (The Coffee Growers), The Tricolors
FIFA ranking: 16
Number of World Cup appearances: 6
Last World Cup and finish: 2014 (Quarterfinals)
Last win in World Cup play: 2014 (vs. Uruguay in Round of 16)
Best finish in World Cup: Quarterfinals (2014)
Fun fact: Los Cafeteros' best player, James Rodriguez, won the Golden Boot at the last World Cup. In Colombia, "James" is pronounced "hah-mess," and on the rare occasion when he makes a bad play or spills paint all over the field, the announcers say "What hah-mess!"
Japan
Nickname: Samurai Blue
FIFA ranking: 61
Number of World Cup appearances: 6
Last World Cup and finish: 2014 (Group Stage)
Last win in World Cup play: 2010 (vs. Denmark in group play)
Best finish in World Cup: Round of 16 (2002, 2010)
Fun fact: If they know they're going to lose, it's not uncommon for the Samurai Blue to call a time out and commit team-wide seppuku. This has historically made it very difficult for Japan to field a competitive team.
Poland
Nickname: The White and Reds
FIFA ranking: 8
Number of World Cup appearances: 8
Last World Cup and finish: 2006 (Group Stage)
Last win in World Cup play: 2006 (vs. Costa Rica in group play)
Best finish in World Cup: Third Place (1974, 1982)
Fun fact: The White and Reds failed to qualify for the 2010 World Cup after a tragic accident on a submarine that, for some reason, had a screen door.
Senegal
Nickname: The Lions of Teranga
FIFA ranking: 27
Number of World Cup appearances: 1
Last World Cup and finish: 2002 (Quarterfinals)
Last win in World Cup play: 2002 (vs. Sweden in Round of 16)
Best finish in World Cup: Quarterfinals (2002)
Fun fact: The Senegal women's national team is nicknamed the Senegals. Just kidding, of course. Women aren't allowed to play sports.
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