Listen to Hair Band Friday - 5/30/14

Retro Video of the Week: "Steal My Sunshine" by Len

This past weekend marked the 15th anniversary of the release of Len's album You Can't Stop the Bum Rush.  The band, of course, is known for their one hit, "Steal My Sunshine," which was on that album.  The song shot all the way up to #9 on the Billboard Hot 100, and was an international success as well, cracking the Top 10 in Australia (#3), Canada (#1), Ireland (#3), and the UK (#8).

For me, the song is so much more than a happy-go-lucky '90s one-hit wonder.  It became popular the summer before my senior year of college, and I took a quick liking to it.  I am normally a subpar dancer and have no desire to dance, but this song struck a chord with my inner rhythm.  As I mention on my "About GMYH" page, if you want me to dance, you better play "Steal My Sunshine" or give me a lot of booze.  Better yet, do both.  And then back up.

If you attended a wedding with me between the years 2000 and 2005, you know what I'm talking about, as you've likely witnessed me flying through the air, break dancing, attempting to do The Worm, or sliding head first through the legs of some mortified woman who I now call my wife while this song is playing.  It got to the point that I had to retire it because I left too much of myself out there on the dance floor, but people still request that I do it at the occasional wedding, to which I usually say, "That part of my life, like so many others, died the day I put this ring on my finger."  What can I say, the song speaks to me.  As soon as I hear that opening swirl and the repeating "More More More" sample, my hips start to thrust suggestively and a demented smile comes across my face. God damn, I miss the '90s.

Tuesday Top Ten: If I Roll a Seven . . .

This weekend, I had the pleasure of attending a bachelor party in Wisconsin.  There were 13 guys, and we rented a house on a river about a half hour south of Madison.  Saturday evening, we went up to Madison for dinner and some post-dinner drinking.

It was at dinner Saturday evening at a nice steakhouse that I was introduced to a game that can spice up any bachelor party (or pretty much any event).  The premise is quite simple.  You have a pair of dice.  The roller singles someone in the group out and gives that person something he/she has to do if the roller rolls a seven.  That person must agree to it.  The roller gets one roll.  If the roller rolls a seven, the person must do that deed.  If the roller rolls a two, the roller must do that deed.  If the roller rolls a twelve, both must do that deed.

Here's an example.  If I have the dice, I say, "If I roll a seven, Horace has to finish his beer."  Horace, being a man of integrity who enjoys a good bet (and a good beer), agrees.  If I roll a seven, he has to finish his beer.  If I roll snake eyes, I have to finish my beer.  If I roll boxcars, we both have to finish our beers.

As you can imagine, this played out pretty hilariously, as we played it at dinner and at the subsequent bars in Madison Saturday night, and at lunch Sunday, where we sat on a patio at a lakeside supper club near the town in which we were staying.  

Here are the ten best successful (or unsuccessful, depending on which side you're on) rolls of the weekend –- well, of the ones I can remember anyway.  To protect the innocent and depraved alike, I will not mention anyone by name.  "Roller" will refer to the roller and "Mark" will refer to the person who is the subject of the bet.  And remember, these are only the things that people actually agreed to do and where a 7, 2, or 12 was rolled.  Imagine what was left on the table.  They're in chronological order.

Honorable Mention:

-[At dinner Saturday] If I roll a seven, Mark has to take a shot of grappa.  Seven.

They didn't have grappa, so the waitress went ahead and gave him a shot of ouzo warmed to near-scalding temperatures.

-[At dinner Saturday] If I roll a seven, Mark has to go to that empty table over there and sit by yourself for the rest of the meal.  Seven.

Thankfully for Mark, it was after he was done eating.

-[At a bar Saturday night, to a female] If I roll a seven, I get to write a tramp stamp on you.  Seven.

It said "I love boobs!"  Because that's what a 30-something married man writes on a 20-something girl's lower back.

-[At lunch Sunday] If I roll a seven, Mark has to eat a packet of butter.  Seven.

Mark described it as "buttery" and "terrible."

-[At lunch Sunday] If I roll a seven, Mark has to keep this chunk of fat from my prime rib in his mouth for two minutes.  Seven.

Mark is a vegetarian.

-[At lunch Sunday] If I roll a seven, Mark has to go down to the dock [the supper club had a dock you could walk down to from the patio], put his feet in the water, and sing "(Sittin' On) The Dock of the Bay."  Seven.

And he knew all the words.

-[At lunch Sunday] If I roll a seven, Mark has to eat his French onion soup without his hands or any utensils.  Seven.

It's hard to eat soup –- especially soup with a layer of thick cheese on top of it -– with bread and rolls.

-[At lunch Sunday] If I roll a seven, Mark has to break open this bag of tea and eat the leaves.  Not all of them, but at least a spoonful.  Seven.

Bigelow describes their classic Constant Comment tea as a "secret recipe of black tea, rind of oranges and sweet spice."  Mark described it as hard to eat.

-[At lunch Sunday] If I roll a seven, Mark has to say "pretty please with sugar on top" every time he asks for anything from the server.  Seven.

His first request was for the location of the restroom.

-[At lunch Sunday] If I roll a seven, if the server asks Mark how his meal is, he has to stand up and say "It's grrrrrrreat!" like Tony the Tiger.  Seven.

He did and it was.

10.  [At dinner Saturday] If I roll a seven, Mark has to walk into Woof's, order a drink, drink it without saying a word to anyone, and leave.  Seven.

Woof's is the kind of gay bar where the dudes wear a lot of black leather.  Not that there's anything wrong with that, except that Mark was not wearing any black leather.

9.  [At a bar Saturday night, to a female] If I roll a seven, you have to take off your shirt and run down State Street yelling "Fuck the Pack."  Snake eyes.

Of course, when we walked out of the bar, there were two of Madison's finest standing right there, so Roller made sure to ask them if what he was about to do was going to get him arrested, and they assured him it would not.  State Street was closed to traffic, so Roller went a block down, took off his shirt, and ran down the street yelling "Fuck the Pack" while twirling his shirt over his head.

8.  [At a bar Saturday night] If I roll a seven, Mark has to eat that nacho off the table without using his hands.  Snake eyes.

That nacho had been sitting on the table since before we got there.

7.  [At a bar Saturday, to a female wearing a Sheryl Swoopes Houston Comets jersey] If I roll a seven, you and the bachelor have to switch shirts right here in the bar.  Seven.

They both took off their shirts right there in the middle of the crowded bar and traded for about ten minutes.  Can you imagine a man wearing a WNBA jersey?  And a woman wearing a collared shirt?  The bachelor described the jersey as surprisingly pungent BO smell.

6.  [At a bar Saturday night] If I roll a seven, Mark has to snort a bump of salt.  Boxcars.

Both guys did their best Ty Webb and put some salt on the back of their respective hands, then snorted it right up.

5.  [At lunch Sunday] If I roll a seven, Mark has to turn his chair around and eat his entrée on his lap facing away from the table.  Seven.

What made it better was the guy next to Mark saying, "Mark, you're being ridiculous.  Turn around and eat with the rest of the table.  Why are you doing this?"

4.  [At lunch Sunday] If I roll a seven, Mark has to refer to himself in the third person for the rest of the meal.  If he refers to himself in the first person he has to take a drink.  If he does it three times, he has to finish his drink.

Mark did a pretty good job of referring to himself as Mark, which was especially funny when Mark was ordering drinks and food from the server.  "Mark would like a cheeseburger.  Has Mark told you he finds you attractive?"

3.  [At lunch Sunday] If I roll a seven, Mark has to rub butter around the outside of his lips for the rest of the meal, and you are not allowed to acknowledge it when anyone asks about it.  Seven.

Mark had a butter goatee for about a half hour, and probably will now have an acne goatee for a half week.

2.  [At lunch Sunday] If I roll a seven, Mark has to stand at the end of the dock along the river at the house wearing only a Speedo for at least as long as it takes him to finish a beer.  Boxcars.

Thankfully, the local Family Dollar had the closest thing to Speedos in the form of glittery Spandex short shorts.  I was taking a nap when Roller and Mark made good on the bet, and I'm glad I was sleeping, as apparently the "shorts" didn't do much in the way of keeping everything within them.

1.  [At lunch Sunday] If I roll a seven, for the rest of the day, Mark has to wear whatever outfit I can buy for him for $15 or less in your size or larger.  Seven. 

The nearby Family Dollar had grey athletic Daisy Dukes made of stretchy material that came down just below Mark's boxers, on one leg anyway, and this shirt, which presumably is licensed by neither Lucas nor Shakur.

Listen to Hair Band Friday - 5/23/14

Retro Video of the Week: "Satisfied" by Richard Marx

Back in the last few years of the 1980s, Richard Marx was huge.  His eponymous 1987 album spawned four Top 3 hits, including one #1 ("Hold On to the Nights"), and his second album, Repeat Offender, which debuted on the Billboard album charts this week 25 years ago, had two more #1s ("Satisfied" and "Right Hear Waiting"), along with another Top 5 hit ("Angelia") and two more Top 15 hits ("Too Late to Say Goodbye" and "Children of the Night"), and has gone 5x platinum in the US alone.  

It's no wonder that I joined his fan club as an 11-year-old.  What is a wonder is why I didn't join any other band or artist's fan club until at least 15 years later.  It's not like Richard Marx was my favorite artist.  Why didn't I join Def Leppard's fan club?  Or Guns N' Roses?  Or Skid Row?  These are questions I, myself, cannot answer.

Anyway, this is the video for "Satisfied," the first #1 from Repeat Offender.  The song is catchy as hell, and the video is, well, all over the place without any real narrative.  It just has a bunch of vignettes of people working, boxing, playing pool, dancing near vintage cars, watching ballerinas practice, and releasing pigeons from cages on the roof of a building on which someone is also drying laundry.  It is unclear whether any of these actions result in satisfaction for the subjects, other than the adolescent boys watching the ballerinas.  My favorite one has to be the three businessmen in suits having a race down a sidewalk.  Only in the '80s could a guy with a ponytail have a job that required him to wear a suit.

Interesting tidbit:  this song was preceded at #1 on the Billboard Hot 100 charts by "I'll Be Loving You (Forever)" by New Kids on the Block and succeeded at #1 by Milli Vanilli's "Baby Don't Forget My Number."

Tuesday Top Ten: Important Lessons From Road House

Yesterday marked the 25th anniversary of the release of one of the most awesome movies of all-time, Road House.  I have probably seen this movie (or at least parts of it on TNT or TBS) 50 times, and it's a movie that I will watch whenever it's on, no matter what part of the movie I happen to come in at or what time of night it is on.  I have even started watching the movie on TV, and then put in the DVD to watch the rest of the movie, so that those damn commercials don't get in the way.  And to see Kelly Lynch naked.

If you haven't seen it, here's a brief synopsis.  Dalton (Patrick Swayze) is a hot-shot cooler -- that's basically a head bouncer -- with a philosophy degree from NYU and a penchant for kicking ass.  He is wooed from his high-profile bouncing/cooling job in New York City to Jasper, Missouri to clean up a rough-and-tumble club called the Double Deuce.  He's not exactly welcomed with open arms by the local ruffians in Jasper, but he does meet a hot doctor (played by Kelly Lynch) after he gets in a dust-up at the Double Deuce.  He refuses anesthesia while she stitches him up.  They bang later while listening to Otis Redding.  In the meantime, this guy named Brad Wesley (played masterfully by Ben Gazzara) pretty much owns the town of Jasper.  He is the personification of the phrase "absolute power corrupts absolutely."  He lives in a mansion and throws lavish parties, which is great if you're in his circle, but he is also a giant dick.  His henchmen beat women, coerce local businesses to pay Wesley money (and trash their stores if they refuse), drive monster trucks over the local car dealer's lot, and apparently fuck guys in prison that look like Dalton. 

So Dalton cleans up the Double Deuce.  The clientele is nicer.  The bar is cleaner.  There aren't nearly as many fights.  They can even take down the chicken wire in front of the stage so that Jeff Healey doesn't get pelted with beer bottles.  (Side note:  what kind of an asshole throws beer bottles towards a blind man?)  But what to do about Wesley?  After Wesley and his henchmen go a little too far (killing Dalton's bouncing mentor, Wade Garrett, played by Sam Elliott, by literally stabbing him in the back), Dalton takes things into his own hands.  I don't want to spoil the ending for you, so I'll let you watch it the next time it comes on TNT at midnight to find out what happens.  Rest assured, Wesley's uppance comes.

The movie has a lot of good lessons, and someone has written a fantastic post called "10 Important Lessons That We Learned From 'Road House,' On Its 25th Anniversary."  (Thanks to Creature for the link.)  Here are the lessons the author has in his post:

1.  "Pain don't hurt."

2.  "Be nice until it's time not to be nice."

3.  Age ain't nothing but a number when it comes to kicking ass.

4.  Terry Funk, the actor > Hulk Hogan, the actor.

5.  In the '80s, bars were nothing but fights and table dances.

6.  Anyone can look and sound awesome by just retelling the story of Dalton and the Double Deuce.

7.  Everyone can sing.

8.  If enough people conspire to murder a man in cold blood in his home, the police look the other way.

9.  People shouldn't yell things about having sex with other people in prison while they fight.

10. Please don't ever tear out my throat, thank you.

These are all great lessons, and the fact that the post has video clips illustrating each lesson is even better.  Here are three more that I would have included:

1.  When a guy walks into a bar, always check to see if he is wearing a boot knife.  If he is, break his fucking ankle.

2.  If you major in philosophy, even at a great school like NYU, your career options are limited, so make sure you gain other skills, such as kicking ass and smoking.

3.  Never marry an ugly woman because "it just takes the energy right out of you."

One final note:  I understand there is a remake in the works, and that is really unfortunate because this movie can't really be made in any other decade than the '80s.  Please, Hollywood, stop trying to remake movies from the '80s.  Making a shitty version of Road House will not immortalize the movie; it will only give younger generations a negative association with the movie title.  That's not good for anyone.

Listen to Hair Band Friday - 5/16/14

New Book: Running With Scissors by Augusten Burroughs

I finished reading Any Questions?: The Complete Art Brut 2003-2013 by Eddie Argos a few weeks ago.  As I mentioned, it is a crowd-funded book by Art Brut lead singer and songwriter Eddie Argos, and the book is a complete volume of Art Brut's lyrics, with commentary from Argos. As expected, it was a pretty quick read.  I found it to be interesting, but then again, I am familiar with Art Brut, so it was nice to find out what the songs were about.

I have since started reading Running With Scissors by Augusten Burroughs, a memoir about Burroughs's insane childhood, in which, after his parents divorced, his mom essentially sent him to live with her psychiatrist and the psychiatrist's odd family.  Apparently, it was made into a movie in 2006 with a pretty decent cast, but I don't think I ever heard of the movie before seeing the "Now a Major Motion Picture" seal on the cover of the book.  I have read a couple of Burroughs's other books -- Dry, a memoir about his struggles with alcoholism in adulthood, and Possible Side Effects, a collection of autobiographical essays.  He's a good writer, and funny, although there are parts of Running With Scissors thus far that are pretty disturbing.  After finishing the book, I'd be interested to see the movie to find out what the left in and what they left out.

Books read in 2014:

Bruce by Peter Ames Carlin
Any Questions?: The Complete Art Brut 2003-2013 by Eddie Argos

Retro Video of the Week: "Undone - The Sweater Song" by Weezer

This past Saturday marked the 20th anniversary of the release of Weezer's self-titled debut album, known colloquially as "The Blue Album."  While that sentence makes me feel very old, I can think of only a handful of debut albums released in my lifetime that I enjoy more than Weezer's.  The songs are catchy, thoughtful, and rocking.  It was kind of the perfect antidote to grunge, proving that, even in the '90s, you could rock without brooding and wearing flannel.  This is one of those albums that I never get tired of listening to.

Despite the album's success in stores (it went platinum in the U.S. in less than a year), it only reached #17 on the Billboard album charts and spawned exactly zero Top 40 songs on the Billboard Hot 100.  However, that's not an accurate indication of how awesome this album is.  From top to bottom, there's not a bad song on The Blue Album.  It was critically acclaimed when it was released, and has been acclaimed even more so since then, finding its way onto tons of "best of" lists, from Best Albums of the '90s to Best Debut Albums of All-Time to Rolling Stone's Top 500 Albums of All-Time. If you don't own this album, you should probably buy it right now.

Rather than go with the more popular Happy Days-themed video for "Buddy Holly," I decided to go with "Undone - The Sweater Song" because it was the band's first single and their first video, and it was what introduced most of the world (including me) to Weezer.  The single was the only song off of the album that charted on Billboard's Hot 100, peaking at #57 (although this song, "Buddy Holly," and "Say It Ain't So" all made the Top 40 on the UK charts, the Top 10 in Canada, and the Top 10 on Billboard's Modern Rock charts), and the video was directed by Spike Jonze (one of his earlier music video directing efforts, although he blew up pretty quickly around this time).

Here's to feeling old, but loving good music.

Tuesday Top Ten: 10 Mistakes New Parents Always Make

Exactly two months ago today, Jester finally birthed a male heir to my record production empire.  We ended up naming him Son, since it was both descriptive and the only name we could agree on, given our mutual love of Delta blues pioneer Son House.  

Here is a photograph of Son.  As you can see, he has already mastered the wry smirk that has gotten his father into a decent amount of trouble in the middle of what some spouses consider non-amusing arguments.

Thus far, Daughter and Lollipop have not tried to murder him.  Note:  I did not say they haven't tried to kill him.  They just haven't intentionally tried to kill him.  Apparently, the concept of not coughing in a newborn's face despite repeated warnings that he has no viable immune system is lost on 2- and 4-year-olds.  

Nonetheless, Son has so far proven to be a valuable addition to the family, providing comic relief in the form of audible and surprisingly pungent flatulence while the rest of us are eating dinner, earning him the nickname "Ripper."  He seems to have taken an interest in the Sweet Science, shadow boxing all things hanging-plush-animal-related.  He cries at an appropriate volume, which is to say, not at a piercing level.  And, last, but not least, he's fucking adorable.

Of course, anytime you bring a newborn home, the first question people ask is, "How are you sleeping?"  To which I respond, "Usually on my stomach, unless I have the spins."  Son sleeps on his back, with his arms and legs bound, as he is physically unable to roll onto his stomach just yet.

This brings me to this week's Tuesday Top Ten.  Wisconsin-based news outlet The Onion has put together a slideshow of "10 Mistakes New Parents Always Make."  It provides valuable tips for new parents and refreshers for those of us who are a little rusty.  Most importantly, it's nice to see that it's okay to make mistakes and that you're not the only one.