You've heard of Siamese twins and conjoined twin myslexia, but here's a new one: a baby born with two complete heads. Sadly, the baby -- born in Bangladesh -- died after his (their?) parents took him (them?) home against doctors' advice because the parents were too poor to afford medical care. I sure hope they can afford an irregularly shaped coffin. [Author's note: upon further review, I will admit that this last sentence could be viewed as mean-spirited and perhaps too far.]
Maybe it's just as well, though. Think about that. Two complete heads -- more importantly, two complete brains -- controlling one body. Imagine if you and your brother or sister shared the same body. The thought is horrifying. Obviously their favorite villain is Two Face and they worship the Roman god Janus, but other than that, I am left with a ton of questions.
- Do they both control bodily functions?
- What if one is gay and one is straight? "We are not fucking that dude." "Maybe you aren't, but I sure as shit am."
- Or what if one guy thinks some chick is hot and the other thinks she's ugly? Would it be an epic struggle of continually taking one step forward then one step back? "Seriously, dude, you're completely ruining my game here."
- If they have sex with someone, is that considered a ménage a trios (or, more appropriately, a devil's three-way)? And if each of them makes out with a different girl at the same time, is that a four-way? I'm assuming masturbation is not even an option, since your brother is always right there. I'm not even going to attempt to get into the logistics of cunnilingus.
- What if one is a meat-and-potatoes guy and the other is a vegan?
- What if one of them is a boxer?
- What if one of them is a genius and one is a dumbass? Do they both go to Harvard or do they both go to Purdue? Or do they do a rotating semester thing?
- How does a job interview work? Are they a package deal? "We weren't all that impressed with your brother's resume, but we think you have a real future at this company." But then if they get a job at the same place, do they get one or two salaries?
- How would they be classified by the Social Security Administration?
- What if one is a total pederast and the other is a stand-up guy?
Chick: "Did you touch my ass?"
Head 1: "No, that was my brother. Dammit Steve!"
Head 2: "Hey, it's not like you stopped me from squeezin'. Barkeep, another sloe gin fizz."
Head 1: "Haven't you already had enough?! Why I oughta!" - What if one drinks and the other doesn't?
- What if one's a night owl and one's an early riser?
Head 1: "I'm tired. I think I'm going to sleep."
Head 2: "That's cool. I think I'm going to stay up, have a few beers, and watch this Small Wonder marathon. Then I might go chase some tail down at Applebee's. I'll wake you up if another devil's three-way presents itself." - Can they sing in perfect harmony? If not, are both of them willing to take voice lessons?
- What if one is a little bit country and the other is a little bit rock and roll? Do they drag each other to Anne Murray and Guess Who concerts, respectively? And is it weird that they're both way too into Canadian music?
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15 comments:
Dude.
There is/are an American example of this, girls. I saw it (no surprise here) on TLC:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SSy9W3gIhnQ
It's mind blowing, indeed.
You are sick. I'm never reading this blog again. You sir, should seek some help.
Sick? Sure. Funny? Yep. GMYH, don't listen to the nay sayers. Obviously if you don't have a dark sense of humor you're not gonna think its funny. Half the stuff you used to talk about in HBFs was far worse than this post. Personally I found it to be thought provoking and disturbingly legit. Obviously it's a tragic situation, but seriously, what the hell would happen if there was a body with 2 heads?
One more thing to the first anonymous person, didn't you see Stuck On You? It's basically the same thing. Apparently it's okay for the Farrelly (sp?) brothers and a major motion picture, so it's probably okay for a blog.
Yeah chill out. It's all in jest. It's not like he's actually going to write a sitcom about it. Or would he?
Second and Third Anonymouses (or is it Anonymi?) and Tom,
Thanks for the support. I assume Anonymous #1 is just Judson or Tyler trying to pull one over on me. Then again, maybe I underestimate the sense of humor of my audience.
Beth,
Just watched that video, and it is fascinating. I'm relieved to see that the narrator had many of the same questions I had, to a certain extent.
Hey sicko,
Why don't you take some laxatives, go to the bathroom, shit in a cup, and chug it. This blog is immoral.
Am I missing something? Since when have I been politically correct or morally sound? I've never claimed that I don't have a sick sense of humor. But Jesus Christ, if my wife thought the post was okay, then what's with the PC outcry from a bunch of people who hide behind the veil of anonymity? At least if you're going to talk shit (or suggest that I consume my own shit) and act all high and mighty, give me a name to respond to.
And what's so immoral about this post anyway? Just about all of my questions were actual questions that I think one would encounter if one had two heads, and the video that Beth linked to pretty much affirmed that there are a lot of interesting questions you might have if you have two heads. Are you not curious? Sure, I poked some fun at various situations he/they might encounter, but I don't see a damn thing wrong with it. So, Anonymous #4, once you're done beating off to pictures of Sarah Palin, please give yourself a Tahiti One Handed Deluxe. Then hopefully your self-righteousness will be quelled. It should be, given that both your ass and mouth will be on fire. And just to humor you, yes, I will drink my own poop, but only for charity. The proceeds will go towards dicephalus dipus research.
ANDY. MY NAME IS ANDY YOU PIECE OF POOP. WHY DON'T YOU GO SHIT IN A CROCK POT, HEAT IT FOR 3 HOURS, GRAB SOME BREAD, AND MAKE A HOT SHIT SANDWICH??? I'M AS MAD AS HELL. I'M BRINGING THIS BLOG TO THE ATTENTION of the anti-birth defect defamation league. See you in court bitch.
Hi Andy. Glad to make your acquaintance. I guess I will see you in court. But who said anything about a birth defect? Those are your words, not mine. Also, I'm uncertain as to why you would possibly be "mad as hell." Also, it is a legal impossibility to defame someone who is dead. Also, I haven't said anything defamatory. Also, you would have no standing to sue me, and nor would the "anti-birth defect defamation league," which, incidentally, does not exist.
ACTUALLY, FAMILIES HAVE A RIGHT TO DEFEND AGAINST DEFAMATION OF THE DECEASED FOR A REASONABLE PERIOD OF TIME AFTER DEATH! SMOKE ON THAT DICK.
That's not the way I learned it. Please cite me some support for that. And are you just lingering on my blog waiting for me to respond?
While the common law rule is that the death of the plaintiff is also the death of any libel action that the plaintiff may have had at the time of the death (Gruschus v. Curtis Publishing Co.); some states provide by statute for the survival of defamation actions.
How about intentional infliction of emotional distress? I am considering emailing and linking this blog to the family.
SUCK ON THAT BIG DOG.
PS. I'm just fucking with you.
I figured you were just fucking with me, since I assume anyone who reads this blog has a somewhat skewed sense of humor, but it's always fun to go back and forth. Nonetheless, I think any survival statute would only involve defamatory statements made before the person died. And, contrary to what you might have heard, I don't suck on big dogs, even that one.
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