Inspired by the 6- or 7-year-old son of a former co-worker, who filled out his bracket one year based solely on which mascot would win in a fight and ended up with an unwinnable NC State vs. Nevada –- Wolfpack vs. Wolf Pack -– matchup, every year I fill out a bracket on ESPN (not for money, of course) entitled "Mascot Fight." Here is what it looks like this year, with explanations of my brilliant and sometimes contradictory reasoning. (For the record, last year, my Mascot Fight bracket had Kansas losing in the first round.)
South Region
First Four:
(16) Texas A&M Corpus Christi Islanders vs. (16) Southeast Missouri State Redhawks. I feel like people who live on islands can handle birds. Winner: Texas A&M Corpus Christi
First Round:
(1) Alabama Crimson Tide vs. (16) Texas A&M Corpus Christi Islanders. Islanders can also handle themselves some tide. Surf's up! Winner: Texas A&M Corpus Christi
(8) Maryland Terrapins vs. (9) West Virginia Mountaineers. This is a tough one because mountain folk aren't too familiar with marine animals. That said, it's a fucking turtle. Winner: West Virginia
(5) San Diego State Aztecs vs. (12) Charleston Cougars. You think a bunch of MILFs are going to make it through Tenochtitlan alive? Neither do I. Winner: San Diego State
(4) Virginia Cavaliers vs. (13) Furman Paladins. A formidable battle between horsebacked fighters, but the paladins have the slight edge, if for no other reason than chainmail is more protective than those foppish cavalier hats. Winner: Furman
(6) Creighton Bluejays vs. (11) North Carolina State Wolfpack. Ha! Winner: North Carolina State
(3) Baylor Bears vs. (14) UC Santa Barbara Gauchos. What did the gaucho say to the bear? I don't know. Probably "dios mio!" before he got eaten. Winner: Baylor
(7) Missouri Tigers vs. (10) Utah State Aggies. Whilst tending to their fields, the aggies were mauled to death by tigers. Winner: Missouri
(2) Arizona Wildcats vs. (15) Princeton Tigers. A big cat battle goes to the bigger cat. Winner: Missouri
Second Round:
(9) West Virginia Mountaineers vs. (16) Texas A&M Corpus Christi Islanders. I feel like we all know what happens when white people with guns interact with strangers on island. Winner: West Virginia
(5) San Diego Aztecs vs. (13) Furman Paladins. Another really tough battle, as old world warriors clash with new world warriors. It's a tough call, but I'm going with the Aztecs. Winner: San Diego State
(3) Baylor Bears vs. (11) North Carolina State Wolfpack. Brute strength versus teamwork here, and I think the numbers in the pack overtake the bears. Winner: North Carolina State
(7) Missouri Tigers vs. (15) Princeton Tigers. The smarter tigers use their cunning to defeat the SEC tigers. Winner: Princeton
Sweet 16:
(5) San Diego State Aztecs vs. (9) West Virginia Mountaineers. Sure, they have the guns, but one thing they didn't count on was a gastrointestinal infection. Montezuma gets his revenge. Winner: San Diego State
(11) North Carolina State Wolfpack vs. (15) Princeton Tigers. Another brutal matchup, but it's hard to argue with the inspiration of the mascot fight bracket. Winner: North Carolina State
Elite 8:
(5) San Diego State Aztecs vs. (11) North Carolina State Wolfpack. The wolfpack finally meets its match in tenacity, and they are reverently sacrifices to appease Xolotl. Winner: San Diego State
East Region
First Four:
(16) Texas Southern Tigers vs. (16) Fairleigh Dickinson Knights. Tigers are pretty badass, but so is a flail. Winner: Fairleigh Dickinson
First Round:
(1) Purdue Boilermakers vs. (16) Fairleigh Dickinson Knights. "Hey look, I'm making a train" were the last words the Boilermaker said before being run through with a lance. Winner: Fairleigh Dickinson
(8) Memphis Tigers vs. (9) FAU Owls. Wisdom only gets you so far when staring into the mouth of a tiger. Winner: Memphis
(5) Duke Blue Devils vs. (12) Oral Roberts Golden Eagles. Eagles, regardless of color, are pretty cool, but devils, regardless of color, are devils. Winner: Duke
(4) Tennessee Volunteers vs. (13) Louisiana Ragin' Cajuns. Location makes all the difference here. The game is in Orlando, so I think the Cajuns will be more comfortable with Florida's marshy topography. Winner: Louisiana
(6) Kentucky Wildcats vs. (11) Providence Friars. "Dear God, it's a puma!" said the friar. Winner: Kentucky
(3) Kansas State Wildcats vs. (14) Montana State Bobcats. I'd give the wildcat the slight advantage in this battle of North American predatory felines. Winner: Kansas State
(7) Michigan State Spartans vs. (10) USC Trojans. Holy shit, what a first round matchup. I'm giving it to Sparta in a bloodbath. Winner: Michigan State
(2) Marquette Golden Eagles vs. (15) Vermont Catamounts. This is a big cat-heavy region, which isn't good for birds. Winner: Vermont
Second Round:
(8) Memphis Tigers vs. (16) Fairleigh Dickinson Knights. Lotta tiger pelts over there at the castle in Hackensack, New Jersey. Winner: Fairleigh Dickinson
(5) Duke Blue Devils vs. (13) Louisiana Ragin' Cajuns. Summoning Papa Legba, the Cajuns pull off the underworld upset. Winner: Louisiana
(3) Kansas State Wildcats vs. (6) Kentucky Wildcats. Fuck Kentucky. Winner: Kansas State
(7) Michigan State Spartans vs. (15) Vermont Catamounts. I'm pretty sure Spartans ride mountain lions to work. Winner: Michigan State
Sweet 16:
(13) Louisiana Ragin' Cajuns vs. (16) Fairleigh Dickinson Knights. Not even chainmail and swords are a match for people with awesome accents chucking gators from fanboats. Winner: Louisiana
(3) Kansas State Wildcats vs. (7) Michigan State Spartans. If Spartans beat catamounts, Spartans beat wildcats. Winner: Michigan State
Elite 8:
(7) Michigan State Spartans vs. (13) Louisiana Ragin' Cajuns. It's hard to resist the lure of a good gumbo, and that's what will ultimately result in the Spartans' demise. You see, the okra was poisoned. Winner: Louisiana
Midwest Region
First Four:
(11) Mississippi State Bulldogs vs. (11) Pittsburgh Panthers. While tenacious and really good at snoring, bulldogs are no match for Panthers. Winner: Pittsburgh
First Round:
(1) Houston Cougars vs. (16) Northern Kentucky Norse. I've never seen a cougar in Norway. I've also never been to Norway. Winner: Houston
(8) Iowa Hawkeyes vs. (9) Auburn Tigers. You know what tigers can eat like popcorn shrimp? The eyes of birds. Winner: Auburn
(5) Miami Hurricanes vs. (12) Drake Bulldogs. Bulldogs are not strong swimmers. Winner: Miami
(4) Indiana Hoosiers vs. (13) Kent State Golden Flashes. I'm banking on the fact that these Hoosiers do not suffer from epilepsy. Winner: Indiana
(6) Iowa State Cyclones vs. (11) Pittsburgh Panthers. Panthers are strong and agile, but still no match for a tornado. Winner: Iowa State
(3) Xavier Musketeers vs. (14) Kennesaw State Owls. Guns > birds. Winner: Xavier.
(7) Texas A&M Aggies vs. (10) Penn State Nittany Lions. Pumas eat people who try to genetically modify soybeans. It's a fact. Winner: Penn State
(2) Texas Longhorns vs. (15) Colgate Raiders. "Pardon me while I pillage your cattle," said the raider with no cavities. Winner: Colgate
Second Round:
(1) Houston Cougars vs. (9) Auburn Tigers. It's a tale -- or should I say tail? -- as old as time: tigers are bigger badasses than cougars. Winner: Auburn
(4) Indiana Hoosiers vs. (5) Miami Hurricanes. Had this been a tornado instead of a hurricane, then the advantage would go to the Hoosiers. They deal with that shit all the time. Unfortunately, hurricanes don't hit Indiana, so the Hoosiers didn't know the eye was just a pause in the middle before the torrent started again. Winner: Miami
(3) Xavier Musketeers vs. (6) Iowa State Cyclones. Guns < tornados. Winner: Iowa State
(10) Penn State Nittany Lions vs. (15) Colgate Raiders. Dental hygiene is no match for really large sharp teeth. Winner: Penn State
Sweet 16:
(5) Miami Hurricanes vs. (9) Auburn Tigers. Cats aren't great swimmers. Winner: Miami
(6) Iowa State Cyclones vs. (10) Penn State Nittany Lions. Cats can't fly. Winner: Iowa State
Elite 8:
(5) Miami Hurricanes vs. (6) Iowa State Cyclones. It's the coastal elite natural disaster versus the hardworking, Midwestern natural disaster. I'm going with the one with more wind and rain. Winner: Miami
West Region
First Four:
(11) Arizona State Sun Devils vs. (11) Nevada Wolf Pack. Wolves don't do well in extreme heat, or so I assume. Winner: Arizona State
First Round:
(1) Kansas Jayhawks vs. (16) Howard Bison. Jayhawks are small but nasty. Bison are large but generally pretty level-headed. But all it takes is one errant step from a bison to take care of a jayhawk. Winner: Howard
(8) Arkansas Razorbacks vs. (9) Illinois Fighting Illini. Seems like hogs are probably food for the Illini. Winner: Illinois
(5) St. Mary's Gaels vs. (12) VCU Rams. Gaelic people are known for their ability to handle sheep. Winner: St. Mary's
(4) Connecticut Huskies vs. (13) Iona Gaels. Gaelic people are not know for their ability to handle arctic dogs. Winner: Connecticut
(6) TCU Horned Frogs vs. (11) Arizona State Sun Devils. "Oh yeah, it's so hot. Hold my beer," says the horned frog to the sun devil. Winner: TCU
(3) Gonzaga Bulldogs vs. (14) Grand Canyon Antelopes. If nothing else, an antelope would tire out a bulldog in a matter of seconds. Winner: Grand Canyon
(7) Northwestern Wildcats vs. (10) Boise State Broncos. The hunted does not become the hunter. Winner: Northwestern
(2) UCLA Bruins vs. (15) UNC Asheville Bulldogs. Bears step on bulldogs. I think it was Kierkegaard who said that. Winner: UCLA
Second Round:
(9) Illinois Fighting Illini vs. (16) Howard Bison. The Illini have bison pelts. Bison do not have Illini pelts. Winner: Illinois
(4) Connecticut Huskies vs. (5) St. Mary's Gaels. Did you think this dog-on-Gael matchup would end any differently than the first? Winner: Connecticut
(6) TCU Horned Frogs vs. (14) Grand Canyon Antelopes. Horned frogs are actually lizards. Lizards with horns. Horns that aren't as big as an antelope's. Winner: Grand Canyon
(2) UCLA Bruins vs. (7) Northwestern Wildcats. Look at the little kitty's guts strewn about. Winner: UCLA
Sweet 16:
(4) Connecticut Huskies vs. (9) Illinois Fighting Illini. Mistaking the white fur of the husky for a sacred animal, the Illini let their guard down, only to be brutally mauled to death. Winner: Connecticut
(2) UCLA Bruins vs. (14) Grand Canyon Antelopes. This game is in Las Vegas, a climate much more befitting of an antelope than a bear. But it's still a bear versus an antelope. Winner: UCLA
Elite 8:
(2) UCLA Bruins vs. (4) Connecticut Huskies. I feel like bears can probably handle the "dry heat" of Vegas better than huskies can. Also, bears would kill huskies if it came down to it, and really, that's what it's all about. Winner: UCLA
Final Four
(5) San Diego State Aztecs vs. (13) Louisiana Ragin' Cajuns. This is a tough matchup in Houston, which isn't too far from either the bayou or Tenochtitlan. But that oppressive humidity is something the Cajuns grew up in, and it's hard to argue with that logic. Winner: Louisiana
(2) UCLA Bruins vs. (5) Miami Hurricanes. True, bears are great swimmers, but you can only climb up a tree so quickly before the rising water gets you. Winner: Miami
Championship Game
(5) Miami Hurricanes vs. (13) Louisiana Ragin' Cajuns. I think history has shown us what happens when hurricanes meet Louisiana. Winner: Miami
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