Mascot Fight Bracket

Yesterday was March Christmas, aka Selection Sunday, and the field for this year's NCAA Tournament has been announced.  There are a group of about 8 to 10 teams that I think have a legitimate shot at winning it all, but then again, I wouldn't be surprised if they all lost in the Round of 32.  Tomorrow, I will give you my thoughts on the teams to help you win your pool, but today, it's all about the mascots.

As I've done in years past, today I'm going to post the mascot fight bracket.  Inspired by the 6- or 7-year-old son of a former co-worker, who filled out his bracket one year based solely on which mascot would win in a fight and ended up with an unwinnable NC State vs. Nevada –- Wolfpack vs. Wolf Pack -– matchup, every year I fill out a bracket on ESPN (not for money, of course) entitled "Mascot Fight."  Here is what it looks like this year, with explanations of my brilliant and sometimes contradictory reasoning.  (For the record, last year, my Mascot Fight bracket had North Carolina losing in the first round.)

South Region

Round of 64:

(1) Virginia Cavaliers vs. (16) UMBC Retrievers.  Fetch this sword, Fido.  Winner:  Virginia

(8) Creighton Bluejays vs. (9) Kansas State Wildcats.  Cats eat birds.  That's just common knowledge.  Winner:  Kansas State

(5) Kentucky Wildcats vs. (12) Davidson Wildcats.  When it's wildcat vs. wildcat, I'm going with the wildcat.  Winner:  Davidson

(4) Arizona Wildcats vs. (13) Buffalo Bulls.  This is a tough one, but you gotta take wildcats over cows.  Winner:  Arizona

(6) Miami Hurricanes vs. (11) Loyola (IL) Ramblers.  The Ramblers are so named because, in the 1920s, the school's football team traveled around the country frequently.  A knowledgeable traveler certainly knows how to avoid a hurricane.  Winner:  Loyola (IL)

(3) Tennessee Volunteers vs. (14) Wright State Raiders.  In a matchup of people who are trying to help others and people who are trying to raid others, I think the choice is obvious.  Winner:  Wright State.

(7) Nevada Wolf Pack vs. (10) Texas Longhorns.  Beef, it's what's for dinner.  Winner:  Nevada

(2) Cincinnati Bearcats vs. (15) Georgia State Panthers.  Panthers are excellent predators, but bearcats have the strength of a bear and the agility and cunning of a cat.  Winner:  Cincinnati

Round of 32:

(1) Virginia Cavaliers vs. (9) Kansas State Wildcats.  A foppish mustache, floppy brimmed hat, a flimsy sword, and an unearned arrogance are no match for a feral feline.  Winner:  Kansas State

(4) Arizona Wildcats vs. (12) Davidson Wildcats.  When it's wildcat vs. wildcat, I'm still going with the wildcat.  Winner:  Arizona

(11) Loyola (IL) Ramblers vs. (14) Wright State Raiders.  You can only travel so far before raiders will catch up with you.  Winner:  Wright State.

(2) Cincinnati Bearcats vs. (7) Nevada Wolf Pack.  This is a hell of a match up, and it's a shame it had to happen in the second round.  I'd have to give the slight edge to the wolf pack because of strength in numbers.  If it was the Nevada Lone Wolves, it might be a different story.  Winner:  Nevada

Sweet 16:

(4) Arizona Wildcats vs. (9) Kansas Wildcats.  This really is a very wildcat-heavy region, but I think I'm going to go with the wildcat here.  Winner:  Arizona

(7) Nevada Wolf Pack vs. (14) Wright State Raiders.  Sometimes raiders die.  Just ask Lyle Alzado.  Too soon?  Winner:  Nevada

Elite 8:

(4) Arizona Wildcats vs. (7) Nevada Wolf Pack.  Finally, the wildcat meets its match.  Winner:  Nevada

West Region

Play-in game:

(16) North Carolina Central Eagles vs. (16) Texas Southern Tigers.  Tigers eat eagles, or so I assume.  Winner:  Texas Southern

Round of 64:

(1) Xavier Musketeers vs. (16) Texas Southern Tigers.  Guns kill tigers.  Or people with guns kill tigers.  No matter how you want to frame the debate, the tiger still dies.  Winner:  Xavier

(8) Missouri Tigers vs. (9) Florida State Seminoles.  I'd take a warrior with a flaming spear on a horse over a tiger.  Winner:  Florida State

(5) Ohio State Buckeyes vs. (12) South Dakota State Jackrabbits.  Sure, Jackrabbits are good at banging other jackrabbits, but after a marathon bang session, boy are they hungry.  They'll eat almost anything, including a poisonous nut.  Winner:  Ohio State

(4) Gonzaga Bulldogs vs. (13) UNC Greensboro Spartans.  This is tough because, you know, bulldogs can waddle and have back problems.  Winner:  UNC Greensboro

(6) Houston Cougars vs. (11) San Diego State Aztecs.  The Aztecs were pretty fucking hardcore.  They played a game where the winner was sacrificed.  That ain't right.  Winner:  San Diego State

(3) Michigan Wolverines vs. (14) Montana Grizzlies.  Grizzlies step on wolverines, if nothing else, crushing them to death in the process.  They don't even have to be mad for that to happen.  Winner:  Montana

(7) Texas A&M Aggies vs. (10) Providence Friars.  This might be one of the weakest matchups in the Big Dance this year.  A farmer versus a priest.  Watch out for that scythe, padre.  Winner:  Texas A&M

(2) North Carolina Tar Heels vs. (15) Lipscomb Bisons.  Even someone who has tar on the bottom of his or her foot can defeat something that is grammatically incorrect and, therefore, does not exist.

Round of 32:

(1) Xavier Musketeers vs. (9) Florida State Seminoles.  I think we both know history.  Winner:  Xavier

(5) Ohio State Buckeyes vs. (13) UNC Greensboro Spartans.  Spartans are not native to the Midwest, so you can imagine their chagrin when they realize they're about to die because they ate a nut.  Winner:  Ohio State

(11) San Diego State Aztecs vs. (14) Montana Grizzlies.  You know what Aztecs eat for dinner on Saturday nights in March?  Bear hearts.  Only bear hearts.  Winner:  San Diego State

(2) North Carolina Tar Heels vs. (7) Texas A&M Aggies.  "Shame about your heel being stuck in that there tar.  I believe I'll be taking your life now."  Winner:  Texas A&M

Sweet 16:

(1) Xavier Musketeers vs. (5) Ohio State Buckeyes.  These musketeers are also from Ohio, so they know better than to eat a buckeye.  Winner:  Xavier

(7) Texas A&M Aggies vs. (11) San Diego State Aztecs.  Cortés was many things, but not a farmer.  Thus, I think the Aztecs are safe in this one.  Winner:  San Diego State

Elite 8:

(1) Xavier Musketeers vs. (11) San Diego State Aztecs.  You know who had guns?  Cortés.  You know who did not?  The Aztecs.  Winner:  Xavier

East Region

Play-in games:

(16) LIU-Brooklyn Blackbirds vs. (16) Radford Highlanders.  People from the Scottish Highlands not only make great scotch, but they eat blackbird pie.  Winner:  Radford.

(11) St. Bonaventure Bonnies vs. (11) UCLA Bruins.  Whatever the hell a bonnie is, it's not a bear.  Winner:  UCLA

Round of 64:

(1) Villanova Wildcats vs. (16) Radford Highlanders.  I was having trouble picking a winner here, but then I thought, if William Wallace came up against a puma, what would happen?  Well, he would befriend the puma and make it his pet.  Eventually, it would die before him because life expectancy for pumas in 14th Century Scotland was brutally short.  Winner:  Radford

(8) Virginia Tech Hokies vs. (9) Alabama Crimson Tide.  I have to think a turkey would drown in a giant blood-red tide.  Winner:  Alabama

(5) West Virginia Mountaineers vs. (12) Murray State Racers.  Guys that live in the mountains and shoot things with their rifles can probably take out a jockey from a few hundred yards, if the weather conditions are right.  Winner:  West Virginia

(4) Wichita State Shockers vs. (13) Marshall Thundering Herd.  Not even two in the pink and one in the stink can withstand a herd of bison that thunders.  Winner:  Marshall

(6) Florida Gators vs. (11) UCLA Bruins.  Alligator versus bear.  What a first round matchup!  This is so close that I have to look at where they will be facing off.  American Airlines Center in Dallas is less than a mile from the Trinity River, but no mountains or forests are nearby.  Advantage gator.  Winner:  Florida

(3) Texas Tech Red Raiders vs. (14) Stephen F. Austin Lumberjacks.  When the raiders come to Nacogdoches, no matter how red they are, they will be met by expertly timed falling trees and axe-wielding dudes in flannel.  Winner:  Stephen F. Austin

(7) Arkansas Razorbacks vs. (10) Butler Bulldogs.  Wild hogs are really mean.  Winner:  Arkansas

(2) Purdue Boilermakers vs. (15) Cal State Fullerton Titans.  "Hey what are you?"  "I'm a deity.  What the fuck are you?"  "I make trains."  Winner:  Cal State Fullerton

Round of 32:

(9) Alabama Crimson Tide vs. (16) Radford Highlanders.  "Doe-nah go en tha wahter, Hamish.  Et's blowd red, ferchrissakes."  "Aye."  Winner:  Radford

(5) West Virginia Mountaineers vs. (13) Marshall Thundering Herd.  White guys with guns hill herds of animals.  Winner:  West Virginia

(6) Florida Gators vs. (14) Stephen F. Austin Lumberjacks.  Lumberjacks are really good at log rolling, but the problem is that once they fall off the log, that gator gets 'em in a death roll.  Winner:  Florida

(7) Arkansas Razorbacks vs. (15) Cal State Fullerton Titans.  The Titans dined on hog during the entirety of the Golden Age.  Winner:  Cal State Fullerton

Sweet 16:

(5) West Virginia Mountaineers vs. (9) Alabama Crimson Tide.  Tides can't reach mountains.  Truth.  Winner:  West Virginia

(6) Florida Gators vs. (15) Cal State Fullerton Titans.  Even the Titans didn't rule forever.  Unfamiliar with Lake Okeechobee, they decided to go for a swim.  Kronos's arm was discovered a few weeks later by a fan boat operator.  Winner:  Florida

Elite 8:

(5) West Virginia Mountaineers vs. (6) Florida Gators.  Something's gotta give.  Mountains don't have alligators, and the swamp doesn't have mountain men.  So who's more likely to encroach on the other's turf?  I'd say a mountaineer is more likely to go to the swamp, maybe on vacation or something, or just out of curiosity.  Then he's on the gator's homecourt.  One slip on some mud, and it's mountaineer for lunch.  Winner:  Florida

Midwest Region

Play-in game:

(11) Arizona State Sun Devils vs. (11) Syracuse Orange.  Orange is either a color or a fruit.  Winner:  Arizona State

Round of 64:

(1) Kansas Jayhawks vs. (16) Penn Quakers.  I struggled with this one because a Jayhawk is kind of a hybrid bird -- part jay and part hawk, as the name implies -- and Quakers, while super nice and all, believe the devil hides in corners, so they built round barns.  Or was that the Shakers?  Hell, I don't know.  I'll give this one to the half bird or prey.  Winner:  Kansas

(8) Seton Hall Pirates vs. (9) North Carolina State Wolfpack.  This is another great first round matchup, and really hard to call.  I'm giving it to the pirates.  That's what she said!  Winner:  Seton Hall

(5) Clemson Tigers vs. (12) New Mexico State Aggies.  Even a farmer is no match for a tiger.  Winner:  Clemson

(4) Auburn Tigers vs. (13) Charleston Cougars.  Even a cougar is no match for a tiger.  Winner:  Auburn

(6) TCU Horned Frogs vs. (11) Arizona State Sun Devils.  A horned frog is actually a type of lizard.  When cornered, it shoots some foul-tasting blood from its eyes.  That's pretty gross.  Winner:  TCU

(3) Michigan State Spartans vs. (14) Bucknell Bison.  Old world warriors versus new world slaughter bait.  Winner:  Michigan State

(7) Rhode Island Rams vs. (10) Oklahoma Sooners.  Sooners have guns.  Rams don't.  Winner:  Oklahoma

(2) Duke Blue Devils vs. (15) Iona Gaels.  These were both Final Four teams in last year's Mascot Fight bracket, but alas, only one will make it out of the first round this year.  A Scot's only true weakness is the devil.  I think Robert Burns said that.  Winner:  Duke

Round of 32:

(1) Kansas Jayhawks vs. (8) Seton Hall Pirates.  Pirates keep birds as pets.  Winner:  Seton Hall

(4) Auburn Tigers vs. (5) Clemson Tigers.  Even a tiger is no match for a tiger.  Winner:  Auburn

(3) Michigan State Spartans vs. (6) TCU Horned Frogs.  The most revered warriors of ancient Greece should be able to side-step a little bloody eye squirt.  Winner:  Michigan State

(2) Duke Blue Devils vs. (10) Oklahoma Sooners.  The blue devil lures the sooner into a false sense of security by promising a plot of land.  No sooner (pun intended, motherfuckers!) does the sooner turn his back then the blue devil plunges his pitchfork into the sooner's lower back, picking the sooner up with the impaled pitchfork, cackling wildly as the sooner's entrails are sputtered about.  In front of his wife and eight children no less.  Winner:  Duke

Sweet 16:

(4) Auburn Tigers vs. (8) Seton Hall Pirates.  Rum and tiger wrestling do not mix.  Winner:  Auburn

(2) Duke Blue Devils vs. (3) Michigan State Spartans.  What a matchup this would be.  In one corner, you have a blue manifestation of evil.  In the other, you have Leonidas and 300 of the most badass warriors to ever walk the planet.  In a knock-down drag-out battle, Sparta comes out on top, wounded but alive.  Winner:  Michigan State

Elite 8:

(3) Michigan State Spartans vs. (4) Auburn Tigers.  It would be a slap in the face to suggest Spartans would suffer the same fate as some drunken sailors.  Leonidas will be wearing a tiger's mouth crown before the night is over.  Winner:  Michigan State

Final Four

(1) Xavier Musketeers vs. (7) Nevada Wolf Pack.  Jim Morrison once said, "They got the guns, but we got the numbers."  That's what the wolf pack has to rely on.  Of course, he also said, "I am the lizard king.  I can to anything."  So it's not all gold.  Still, I think we have to give it to the Wolf Pack.  Winner:  Nevada

(3) Michigan State Spartans vs. (6) Florida Gators.  In a rematch of the 2014 Mascot Fight semifinal game, the gators have been working out a lot, trying to match the might of Sparta.  One must remember that this Final Four is going to be played in San Antonio.  The Riverwalk will be painted with the blood of Spartans.  Winner:  Florida

Championship Game

(6) Florida Gators vs. (7) Nevada Wolf Pack.  A matchup for the ages!  Death roll versus strength in numbers.  It will be a very bloody and hard-fought battle.  I think in the end, though, you have to give the advantage to the gators in a town that has such a prominent river-based tourism industry.  Perhaps in years to come, the Wolf Pack will be shouting "Remember the Alamo!" as they face alligators again, but this year, it's the Gators' tournament to lose.  Winner:  Florida.