Mascot Bracket

The brackets for the NCAA Tournament have been announced, and it's looking like it's going to be a crazy tournament, with the "Region of Death" in the Midwest Region, a few teams seeded way lower than they should be (Louisville, Michigan State), and some really tough double-digit seeds.  But I will wait until tomorrow to give you some serious NCAA Tournament analysis for your bracket-filling-out pleasure.  

Today's post is about one of the funniest traditions and one that you should invite with open arms in all of your pools:  the mascot bracket.  This is where people who know little about college basketball -- be it children, elderly women, or hipsters -- submit a bracket where the winners are chosen based on the mascots of the schools playing each other.  As I mentioned a couple years ago, one of my former co-worker's 6- or 7-year-old son would enter a mascot bracket each year, and it was always awesome, but especially when he ended up with an NC State-Nevada final.  Wolfpack vs. Wolf Pack.  It was $5 well spent, since last place in the office pool got $5 back.  Maybe the kid had a brilliant strategy after all.

This year, I have filled out 17 brackets so far, one of which will earn me a billion dollars.  My 18th bracket -- which will not be for money -- will be named Mascot Fight.  Here is what's going down.  Expect contradictions and to have your mind blown.

South Region
Play-in game:  
(16) Albany Great Danes vs. (16) Mount St. Mary's Mountaineers.  Great Danes are pretty big dogs, but not big enough to overcome the rifle of a mountaineer.  Winner:  Mount St. Mary's.

Round of 64:
(1) Florida Gators vs. (16) Mount St. Mary's Mountaineers.  Mountaineers are savvy in mountain regions.  When they get to the swamp, it's another story.  Death roll, commence.  Winner:  Florida.
(8) Colorado Buffaloes vs. (9) Pittsburgh Panthers.  If the white man can kill a buffalo, a panther sure as shit can kill a buffalo.  Winner:  Pitt
(5) VCU Rams vs. (12) Stephen F. Austin Lumberjacks.  While I'm not exactly sure how a school in Nacogdoches, Texas is named the Lumberjacks, I'll take a guy from Texas with a chainsaw over a ram any day.  Winner:  Stephen F. Austin
(4) UCLA Bruins vs. Tulsa Golden Hurricane.  Not being familiar with hurricanes, much less those of a gilded nature, the Bruins would probably go outside during the eye and think it's over.  Then comes the second half of the hurricane, which kills bears, no matter what you call 'em.  Winner:  Tulsa
(6) Ohio State Buckeyes vs. (11) Dayton Flyers.  Buckeyes are poisonous nuts, but to become a pilot, you generally have to have your shit together.  Rather than eating the Buckeyes, the Flyers step on them.  Winner:  Dayton
(3) Syracuse Orange vs. (14) Western Michigan Broncos.  Animals always beat colors.  Winner:  Western Michigan
(7) New Mexico Lobos vs. (10) Stanford Cardinal.  The "Cardinal" in Stanford refers to a color, not a bird.  Either way, New Mexican wolves win.  Winner:  New Mexico
(2) Kansas Jayhawks vs. (15) Eastern Kentucky Colonels.  Military men can probably handle an alt-country band.  Winner:  Eastern Kentucky

Round of 32:
(1) Florida Gators vs. (9) Pittsburgh Panthers.  This is a tough match-up.  Both are steely predators who stalk their prey very well.  I think the fact that they will be playing in Orlando give the Gators the advantage.  Winner:  Florida
(12) Stephen F. Austin Lumberjacks vs. (13) Tulsa Golden Hurricane.  They know how to deal with hurricanes in Texas.  Winner:  Stephen F. Austin
(11) Dayton Flyers vs. (14) Western Michigan Broncos.  You think some fly boy can tame a bucking bronco?  He sure does.  Arrogance dooms the Flyer to a concussion and a lot of internal bleeding.  Winner:  Western Michigan
(7) New Mexico Lobos vs. (15) Eastern Kentucky Colonels.  Wolves hang out in packs.  Colonels from Kentucky hang out in chicken coops.  Wolves dominate chicken coops.  Winner:  New Mexico

Sweet 16:
(1) Florida Gators vs. (12) Stephen F. Austin Lumberjacks.  Lumberjacks, while handy with a chainsaw, aren't quick enough to escape that split-second murderability of a gator.  Winner:  Florida
(7) New Mexico Lobos vs. (14) Western Michigan Broncos.  Wolves eat horses.  Winner:  New Mexico

Elite 8:
(1) Florida Gators vs. (7) New Mexico Lobos.  The South Regional semis and final are being played in Memphis.  Memphis is a river town.  Game Gators.  Winner:  Florida

East Regional
Round of 64:
(1) Virginia Cavaliers vs. (16) Coastal Carolina Chanticleers.  Anyone whose ever seen Rock-A-Doodle knows that Chanticleer is a badass.  Cavaliers are a bit too foppish to handle the machismo and sun-beckoning power of Chanticleer.  Winner:  Coastal Carolina
(8) Memphis Tigers vs. (9) George Washington Colonials.  There were no tigers in the New World, which is a problem for the Colonials.  Winner:  Memphis.
(5) Cincinnati Bearcats vs. (12) Harvard Crimson.  Once again, animals -- especially hybrids -- always beat colors.  Winner:  Cincinnati
(4) Michigan State Spartans vs. (13) Delaware Fighting Blue Hens.  300 vs. a spray-painted female fowl?  Winner:  Michigan State
(6) North Carolina Tar Heels vs. (11) Providence Friars.  Poor guy got his heel stuck in some tar, and a clergyman raped the shit out of him.  Winner:  Providence
(3) Iowa State Cyclones vs. (14) North Carolina Central Eagles.  If North Carolina Central's mascot was the Mobile Homes, this would be another story, but eagles can fly higher than funnel clouds.  Winner:  North Carolina Central
(7) Connecticut Huskies vs. (10) St. Joseph's Hawks.  Have you ever seen a husky snap a hawk right out of mid air?  Neither have I.  Winner:  St. Joseph's
(2) Villanova Wildcats vs. (15) Milwaukee Panthers.  In the hierarchy of predatory felines, panthers trump wildcats.  Winner:  Milwaukee

Round of 32:
(8) Memphis Tigers vs. (16) Coastal Carolina Chanticleers.  Chanticleer has a soft spot for cats.  That's unfortunate because you should never let a tiger get too close to a bird.  Winner:  Memphis
(4) Michigan State Spartans vs. (5) Cincinnati Bearcats.  Leonidas rallies the troops to slay the mythical beast with the strength of a bear and reflexes of a tabby.  Winner:  Michigan State
(11) Providence Friars vs. (14) North Carolina Central Eagles.  Friars have weird haircuts that leave the tops of their heads bald.  Eagles have talons.  Winner:  North Carolina Central
(10) St. Joseph's Hawks vs. (15) Milwaukee Panthers.  Cats eat birds.  Winner:  Milwaukee

Sweet 16:
(4) Michigan State Spartans vs. (8) Memphis Tigers.  I'm pretty sure tigers are house cats in Sparta.  Winner:  Michigan State
(14) North Carolina Central Eagles vs. (15) Milwaukee Panthers.  Cats eat birds.  Winner:  Milwaukee

Elite 8:
(4) Michigan State Spartans vs. (15 Milwaukee Panthers.  I'm pretty sure panthers are the pets of the tigers that are house cats in Sparta.  Winner:  Michigan State

West Region
Round of 64:
(1) Arizona Wildcats vs. (16) Weber State Wildcats.  In a wildcat vs. wildcat matchup, I'll go with the one playing closer to home.  Winner:  Arizona
(8) Gonzaga Bulldogs vs. (9) Oklahoma State Cowboys.  While tenacious, bulldogs are no match for lassos, spurs, and pistols.  Winner:  Oklahoma State
(5) Oklahoma Sooners vs. (12) North Dakota State Bison.  We all know what happened to the bison when settlers moved across the Great Plains.  Winner:  Oklahoma State
(4) San Diego State Aztecs vs. (13) New Mexico State Aggies.  In 1487, the Aztecs are believed to have sacrificed over 80,000 prisoners.  In four days.  You think some ag student stands a chance?  Winner:  San Diego State
(6) Baylor Bears vs. (11) Nebraska Cornhuskers.  I'll take a bear over a guy shucking corn any day of the week.  Winner:  Baylor
(3) Creighton Bluejays vs. (14) Louisiana-Lafayette Ragin' Cajuns.  Angry Cajuns probably eat birds.  Winner:  Louisiana-Lafayette
(7) Oregon Ducks vs. (10) BYU Cougars.  Even Mormon cougars murder ducks.  Winner:  BYU
(2) Wisconsin Badgers vs. (15) American Eagles.  This is a tough one.  On one hand, badgers are feisty.  On the other hand, eagles can swoop down and pick up badgers.  Winner:  American

Round of 32:
(1) Arizona Wildcats vs. (9) Oklahoma State Cowboys.  When you sleep on the range, you know how to protect yourself against a wildcat.  Winner:  Oklahoma State
(4) San Diego State Aztecs vs. (5) Oklahoma Sooners.  If Oklahoma's mascot was small pox, this would be an easy victory for Oklahoma.  As it is, Aztecs would likely slaughter the men, women, and children trying to settle the Oklahoma Territory.  Winner:  San Diego State
(6) Baylor Bears vs. (14) Louisiana-Lafayette Ragin' Cajuns.  When Cajuns get mad, they try to make bear étouffée.  When Cajuns try to make bear étouffée, bears eat Cajuns.  Winner:  Baylor
(10) BYU Cougars vs. (15) American Eagles.  Cougars are just too big for eagles to swoop down and pick up.  Winner:  BYU

Sweet 16:
(4) San Diego State Aztecs vs. (9) Oklahoma State Cowboys.  This is a tough one, but last time white men with guns and horses ran into the Aztecs, things didn't work out so well for the Aztecs.  Winner:  Oklahoma State
(6) Baylor Bears vs. (10) BYU Cougars.  Bears are bigger than cougars.  One slap with that giant paw would send any cougar reeling.  A cougar on its back is bear food.  Winner:  Baylor.

Elite 8:
(6) Baylor Bears vs. (9) Oklahoma State Cowboys.  Cowboys know that they should put their food in a cooler and hang it at least ten feet high.  Winner:  Oklahoma State

Midwest Region
Play-ins:
(11) Iowa Hawkeyes vs. (11) Tennessee Volunteers.  The eye of a hawk has literally no defense mechanism.  Winner:  Tennessee
(12) NC State Wolfpack vs. (12) Xavier Musketeers.  You know what beats a wolf pack?  Bryan Adams, Rod Stewart, and Sting.  All for love.  Winner:  Xavier
(16) Cal Poly Mustangs vs. (16) Texas Southern Tigers.  No real competition here.  Winner:  Texas Southern

Round of 64:
(1) Wichita State Shockers vs. (16) Texas Southern Tigers.  Without having a complete grasp on the reproductive system of the tiger, I cannot conclusively state that a shocker would slay a tiger like it does to some lady humans.  There also might be male tigers, on whom a shocker would not only be ineffective, but would also probably cause some mauling.  Winner:  Texas Southern
(8) Kentucky Wildcats vs. (9) Kansas State Wildcats.  Fuck Kentucky.  Winner:  Kansas State
(5) St. Louis Billikens vs. (12) Xavier Musketeers.  A billiken is a charm doll.  Winner:  Xavier
(4) Louisville Cardinals vs. (13) Manhattan Jaspers.  The Jaspers are named after a priest who invented the seventh inning stretch.  Cardinals are weak birds.  Winner:  Manhattan
(6) Massachusetts Minutemen vs. (11) Tennessee Volunteers.  I'll take the founders of 'Merica over Tennessee residents who volunteered for later wars.  Winner:  Massachusetts
(3) Duke Blue Devils vs. (14) Mercer Bears.  The devil controls nearly all animals, including bears.  Winner:  Duke
(7) Texas Longhorns vs. (10) Arizona State Sun Devils.  The sun devil has a trident with which to gore the longhorn before the longhorn gores it.  Winner:  Arizona State
(2) Michigan Wolverines vs. (15) Wofford Terriers.  Per the Wofford website, their mascot appears to be a Boston Terrier.  Not that it matters what kind of terrier it is.  Winner: Michigan

Round of 32:
(9) Kansas State Wildcats vs. (16) Texas Southern Tigers.  Tigers trump wildcats.  Winner:  Texas Southern
(12) Xavier Musketeers vs. (13) Manhattan Jaspers.  One priest is no match for three dudes with swords.  Winner:  Xavier
(3) Duke Blue Devils vs. (6) Massachusetts Minutemen.  Who do you think spearheaded the American Revolution?  God?  Winner:  Duke
(2) Michigan Wolverines vs. (10) Arizona State Sun Devils.  Wolverines are quicker than tridents, so I assume that once the sun devil throws the trident and misses, the wolverine will eat his legs off.  Winner:  Michigan

Sweet 16:
(12) Xavier Musketeers vs. (16) Texas Southern Tigers.  Tigers eat French guys, even ones with swords.  Winner:  Texas Southern
(2) Michigan Wolverines vs. (3) Duke Blue Devils.  Wolverines are the spawn of the devil. But would the devil kill its own spawn?  Yes.  It's the devil.  Winner:  Duke

Elite 8:
(3) Duke Blue Devils vs. (16) Texas Southern Tigers.  You know who put the stripes on a tiger?  The devil.  You've gotten this far, tiger, but your run is over.  Winner:  Duke

Final Four
(1) Florida Gators vs. (4) Michigan State Spartans.  This would be an all-out battle.  A lot of blood would be left on the court, but ultimately, no beast can tame Sparta.  Winner:  Michigan State
(9) Oklahoma State Cowboys vs. (3) Duke Blue Devils.  Cowboys know how to handle a lot of situations -- runaway steer, wildcats, bears, awkward silence -- but the devil can't be tamed by rugged outdoorsmanship.  Winner:  Duke

Championship
(4) Michigan State Spartans vs. (3) Duke Blue Devils.  As you may recall, tonight, the Spartans plan to dine in hell.  The only way you dine in hell is if you know the devil or if you're gonna storm hell and take all the devil's food.  If it's the first option, the Spartans will get invited to dinner in hell and then murder the devil in his own house and eat his food.  If it's the second option, the Spartans will break into hell and then murder the devil in his own house and eat his food.  Either way, the Spartans dine in hell and the devil's dead at their hand.  Winner:  Michigan State