Midwestern Eavesdropping - 5/15/08

I had planned on posting this last Friday, but then AT&T forcefully removed that option. But, luckily for everyone, that just made a hearty stock even that much heartier:

Crazy man to packed rush hour train: "Any of you women ovulating?" [immediately followed by a demand for a fist bump from the twentysomething male unfortunate enough to be sitting next to him]
--Chicago, Brown Line train
Eavesdropper: RDC

Twentysomething female attorney to two twentysomething male attorneys over dinner: "So I was just sitting there sucking on it, and all of a sudden there was this huge explosion in my mouth. This actually happens quite a bit."
-- Dayton, OH, John Henry's Restaurant
Eavesdroppers: Holt and Polish Adam

Drunk twentysomething female at a late-night burrito place: "I have a cat, and I rock its pussy every night."
--Chicago, Los Tres Panchos, Diversey & Racine
Eavesdropper: GMYH

Two drunk thirtysomething males see a high school couple decked out in prom clothes walking hand-in-hand along Navy Pier. The girl is way too attractive for the boy.
Drunk Male #1 (to the couple): "You're out-kicking your coverage."
Drunk Male #2 (to the other drunk male): "She's gonna bleed tonight."
--Chicago, Navy Pier
Eavesdropper: Gregerson

Two girls in a bar bathroom of a Scottish pub:
Girl 1: "Why are there so many pictures of Ewan McGregor and Mel Gibson in here?"
Girl 2: "And who's this other guy? Wasn't he in the old Mission Impossible or something?" [looking at pictures of Sean Connery]
--Indianapolis, MacNiven's Pub
Eavesdropper: Nikki J

Creepy Male flight attendant: "A duck walks into a drugstore and goes to the counter and asks for some chapstick. The pharmacist says 'Will you be paying with cash or check?' The duck says, 'nah, just put it on my bill.'"
Small Asian boy: [silence]
CMFA: "How old are you, nine?"
SAB (now clutching his mother's arm): "You smell like basement."
--US Airways flight from Charlotte to Chicago
Eavesdropper: Floppy Burrito

Drunk Girl: "Oh my god! Her owners must be SO happy!"
Guy: "She had to be killed."
Drunk Girl: "Whatever! She's a horse and finished 2nd against a bunch of boy horses! What more do they want?!"
--Chicago, Stretch Run, LaSalle & Ohio
Eavesdropper: RobD

Irritating, gel-haired mid-20-something guy: "She's a cool girl for dating...or possibly other stuff."
--Indianapolis, Broadripple Tavern
Eavesdroppers: B-Mart and Ber

Twentysomething special ed teacher: "I'd swim in dunkel radler, and I don't even know how to swim."
--Chicago, Beer Fest, Navy Pier
Eavesdropper: GMYH

Two women talk loudly on train from O'Hare Airport at 12:30 a.m.:
Large woman in Starbucks apron: "He try and go after my sister but she ran inside the bedroom and locked the do'."
Slightly less large woman: "Mmm-hmmm."
LW: "He think he all scary so he kick through the do'."
SLLW: "Nu-uh!"
LW: "Oh you know only reason he go through that do' is it was one of them cheap ass ones with nothin' inside. Only scared person is hisself since we know he ain't bad. I'll get right up in his face and beat that n****r down and he know it."
--Chicago, Blue Line train
Eavesdropper: Floppy Burrito

Man in his mid to late 30s sitting at a table with his wife and another couple, speaking to the table: "I mean, I can understand buying a diamond for an engagement ring. But earrings?!? I cannot tell the difference between cubic zirconium and diamonds when they are in your ear. And the price differential? It is like one-thousand dollars! Do you know how many lap dances I can buy for one-thousand dollars?!?"
--Nashville, TN, El Rodeo Restaurante Mexicano
Eavesdroppers: RP-Tre and Kells P

As usual, we have a couple things that aren't technically eavesdropping, but need to be included nonetheless:
A sign seen during the Indy 500 Mini-Marathon: "You're all Kenyans in our hearts!"
--Indianapolis, Indy 500 Mini-Marathon
Eavesdroppers: B-Mart and Ber

T-shirt worn by middle-aged man whose job is to hand out free Red Eye newspapers outside the Fullerton L station every morning: "It sucks to be me."
--Chicago, Fullerton L station, Sheffield & Fullerton
Eavesdropper: GMYH

Thanks to everyone who responded to my call to action in the last MWE. It's touching, and I am forever indebted to you. Keep up the good work. And when you overhear something hilarious or inane or that can (and should) be taken out of context, email it to gmyhblog@yahoo.com for inclusion in the next Midwestern Eavesdropping.

Pete Doherty and Amy Winehouse Star in Live Action Sequel to Corpse Bride

So I was reading The Superficial, as I'm prone to do, and I came across this picture of Pete Doherty staring into Amy Winehouse's soul while attempting to make out with her, although they may have actually just been surreptitiously sharing narcotics:Amazingly, the banshee-like figures you see in the above photograph are not in Madame Tussauds. Having looked at all the pictures, I'm not sure that Amy Winehouse had any idea that Pete Doherty was kissing her and/or fixing her a spoon with his breath (which is said to be twice the power of crack cocaine at a fraction of the price). They both seem extremely confused. Amy's arms indicate that she was recently on the losing end of a cockfight, again. Pete seems to have gained a single boot, which he plainly believes to be a relic from the Temple of Ptah at Karnak, used to summon Amun-Ra. Being allergic to sunlight and having a paralyzing fear of being attacked by rams, Pete fears the boot and is careful not to let it from his grasp, for if it were to fall into the wrong hands, his eternal ram-less midnight would be no more. At least that's what I see going on here.

Since When Did Brad Pitt Morph Into Robert Evans?

Is this the Brad Pitt of the future?

Hump Day Music, Conchords Style

Getting Medieval

I don't have the time I'd like to devote to this past Saturday night, but I will say this: if you have the chance to go to Medieval Times for a 30-year-old's college graduation party, do it. And sit front row. They have falcons, people. Falcons. And the Green Knight is a complete dick. Long live Lord del Font! And Gsell. Congrats.

New Book - Born Standing Up

This morning I finished reading The Rules of Attraction by Bret Easton Ellis. It was pretty good. I didn't like it as much as the other Ellis books I've read (American Psycho, Glamorama, Lunar Park), but I still liked it. Rampant drug use, sex, suicide. Pretty standard. In classic Ellis form, it was in first-person, although told by various people, and, in classic Ellis form, it was unclear who was telling the truth or the whole story, with the book ending in mid-sentence. I assume that indicated that the world ended, as predicted by the name of the party at the beginning of the book.

I've now moved on to Born Standing Up: A Comic's Life by Steve Martin. It's the story of an anonymous magician turned funnyman. Thanks to Australian Andrew for letting me borrow it.

New Poll - Most Annoying Jewelry Commercials

Well, the results have been long in about how GMYH readers feel about Tom Crean's chances next year at IU. 53% fell that Crean will lead the Hoosiers to the first or second round of the NCAA tournament, 35% think it will be the NIT, and 12% of you bastards think that Crean will have a losing season. Unsurprisingly, no one thinks that the Hoosiers will advance to the Sweet 16 or beyond.

Tying in with my rant about my hatred of a particular galleria of jewelry, this week's poll will prey on your emotions and aural tolerances. Jared is not the only jewelry company with horrible commercials, although it should be noted that they have TWO horrible ad campaigns: "He went to Jared" AND the piercing, high-pitched "It can only be JARED!" There is Kay Jewelers' "every kiss begins with Kay" campaign that has ruined so many lives. And of course there's "J-B-R! J-B Robin-son!" Those of you in the Midwest have been subjected to the off-key musings of a middle-aged women singing "Rogers and Hollands, jewelry created for now and for-eveeerrrrr." So which jewelry store's ads are the most annoying? Jared, Kay, JB Robinson, Rogers & Hollands, or something else that I've overlooked? If you do vote for "Other," please share your thoughts, if you can hold back the vomit.

Post Ratings

Apparently Blogger has, without my permission but with my post facto approval, added a little rating button to each post. Thus, you, the loyal GMYH readers (and even the disloyal ones) can express your approval or disapproval for each post on a 1-5 star scale. I like the idea, as my only goal in life is to appease you. Yes, you. The person reading this sentence. Seriously, YOU. I'm more excited than that time I watched that Family Guy episode with the random pop culture reference. You should be excited too. Yes, you.

Oddly, these ratings are not available when you click on a post to bring it up by itself or when you click on the "Older posts" link at the bottom of the home page, but rather only when the roll of posts is shown on the GMYH home page. And sometimes they show up, sometimes they don't. Thus, you must rate 'em while you have the chance. They may be gone forever. I don't know. I'm as confused and scared as you are, but rest assured, I will keep detailed statistics, broken down by date, time, category, and references to insolent monkeys.

Thanks, AT&T

My internet has been down at home since Friday. Why, you ask? Because AT&T went ahead and cancelled my phone service and, thus, my DSL service. Why, you ask? They don't know. That's the answer I got. It shouldn't have happened, and they have no idea how it happened. Thanks, shitheads. And of course it take 24-48 (read: at least 72 so far) hours for them to flip a switch to turn my service back on. I called tonight to see how everyone over in India was doing, and then I was transferred to the ordering department, and there appears to have been no progress whatsoever. In fact, things may have regressed because the kind woman in Ordering seemed to have no idea what was going on. But rest assured, my service should be back up within the next 24-48 hours. I shit you not. Geniuses. At least it's no longer SBC, because they would have yelled at me on the phone, somehow blaming it on me and then charging me a re-installation fee after they failed to turn my service back on. And the cycle would have recurred several times before they actually turned it back on, and even after realizing that it was their mistake, they would have yelled at me for bothering them while they were at work.

So, Kazda, you ask, "When did this blog turn into an 8th Grade tape making exchange?" Well, it was sometime on Friday. I can post Mixwit tapes from the Mixwit site (and thus from work). I cannot post on the blog from work, however. Many apologies. See the above paragraph.

By the way, thanks to Tradd and Ryan for their generosity and use of their wireless internet connection.

Thanks for Nothing, AT&T