Thursday, March 29, 2012

Shaving French Texters

Here are a couple links I've been meaning to post that have nothing to do with each other.

1.  I'm sure by now you've seen or heard of the Dollar Shave Club.  Basically, it's a hilarious website that actually sends men's razors for as low as $1 a month.  Check it out, if for nothing else than the video on the home page.  Thanks to Jamie for the link.

2.  Here's a link to a video of a Peugeot (that's a French car maker) racing down a mountain next to a skier.  Seems a bit dangerous, but then again, French women don't shave their armpits.  I think I have a cheap solution to that problem.

3.  Speaking of things with armpits, here's a link to a text exchange between a man and woman after a first date.  I am infinitely thankful that no one had cell phones when I was in college.  We couldn't text anyone.  All we could do was call someone's room and leave a message, and then call again and leave another message, and then call again and leave another message, and then go to every bar in town, and then go home and drink a bottle of Dark Eyes and hook up with someone else.

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Retro Video of the Week: "What's Up" by 4 Non Blondes

I am not ashamed to admit that this is one of the handful of albums that I had on tape and repurchased when I converted to CDs.  Interesting tidbit:  lead singer Linda Perry, in addition to wearing giant hats with giant goggles on them as if were socially acceptable (which it was in 1992, by the way), has written songs for Pink, Christina Aguilera, Gwen Stefani, and Alicia Keys, including 3 Top 10 hits.

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Tuesday Top Ten: List Sent to Me by Random Website-Related People in the Last Month

As you may have noticed, people associated with random websites –- usually containing the words "best," "colleges," and/or "online" in them -- send me emails now and then with links to a list on their respective websites.  The email usually goes something like this:
Hi,We at recently came across your blog, and we think you or your readers would be interested in our article, "10 Hilarious Serial Killer Blunders," which we posted on our website at  Given the overlap with the subject matter of your blog, we thought you might be interested in sharing the link with your readers. It has been a sincere pleasure reading your blog.  Keep up the great work! Sincerely,John Coctostan
Over the last month, I've received a deluge of these types of emails.  Only a handful have really overlapped with the subject matter of this here abortion I call a blog, such as ones about March Madness or St. Patrick's Day.  Others, however, do not appear to have much to do with anything I have ever posted.  Thus, I feel like some of these people might not actually read GMYH.  And that hurts.

With that in mind, here are the top ten articles I have received in the last month (that I haven't already posted), in order from least relevant to most relevant.

10 (tie).  "Top 50 Google+ Circles for Cutting-Edge Educators" from  This was sent to me because of "overlap in subject matter with your blog," since it is clearly about hair bands, college basketball, retro videos, eavesdropping in the Midwest, ripping on Purdue, dressing up as Ace Frehley and/or Maverick, boozing, and stone cold pimpin'.

10 (tie).  "10 Oft-Overlooked Irish Novels to Honor This Month" by  On a related note, I overlook all Irish novels that honor March.  [NOTE:  I removed the link at the request of]

9.  "16 Essential Blogs for Parents Planning for College" from  This makes sense, since I'm always blogging about tips for saving for your children's college education.  Thankfully, mine are going to get full rides, so I don't need to save shit.

8.  "25 Gmail Tips That Make You Look More Professional" from  Apparently, the fact that they emailed this article to a Yahoo address didn't clue them into the fact that I don't use Gmail.

7.  "7 Apps to Gamify Your Life" from  In case your life isn't gamified enough.

6.  "10 Common Illegal Alterations Made to Cars" from  Oddly enough, smoke screen and oil slick are not on the list.  Then again, there is nothing common about The Blaab.

5.  "20 Cases Solved By Using Facebook" from  Once again proving that the more you're on social media, the better it is for society.

4.  "15 Books That Should Be on Every Grammar Geek's Bookshelf" from OnlineColleges.Net.  Presumably this was sent to be because of my clear command of the English language.  The Chicago Manual of Style is on there, which I support.  After all, I am not one of those assholes who puts only an apostrophe to indicate a possessive of something ending in an "s."  It's Chris's toy, not Chris' toy, unless it is owned by several people named Chri.

3.  "College Mascot Showdown" from  This was sent exactly one week after my post that contained links to college mascot-related articles that other people from theses types of websites sent me.

2.  "8 Athletes Who Retired in Their Prime" from  Not on the list?  Me, despite the fact that I retired from sports at the age of 18, in my athletic prime.

1.  "The 10 Worst Love Scenes in Cinematic History" from  Some of these should actually be included in the ten best love scenes in cinematic history.  I mean, Lea Thompson riding a duck?  It doesn't get any better than that.

Monday, March 26, 2012

Moving Cars and Final Fours

This weekend was up and down.  Friday afternoon, Jester, Daughter, Lollipop, and Harley piled into The Blaab, picked me up at work, and we drove to the greater Roanoke, Indiana area to visit Jester's sister to celebrate the 30th anniversary of her birth.

On the way there, we were on US-30 in Wanatah, Indiana –- a town whose claim to fame is that it was a stop on the Abraham Lincoln Funeral Train -- when we decided it would be a good time for a "shit break" (Daughter's words, not mine).  We got into the left turn lane to pull into the Speedway right there at the US-30/US-421 intersection.  you know the one.  We're behind this white Nissan Maxima circa 1996.  The arrow turns from red to green, and nothing happens.  I honk.  The woman in the car in front of me raises her hands as if to say "What do I do?"  I point at the green light and honk again.  Same response.  I tell Jessie, "Give me my samurai sword.  Things are about to get massacre-y."  "Fine," she says, unsheathing the greatest white elephant party gift ever.  I give her one last warning honk.  This chick, probably 18 or 19, clearly corn fed, pops out of her car.  "Bitch wants to tango," Daughter says.  "Then tango we will," I respond, rolling down my window in preparation for a lazy man's lancing.  The chick says, "My battery's dead."  "That's not all that's gonna be dead if you don't move your fucking –- oh," Jester screams.  The chick returns to her car.  Lollipop just sits there, staring stoically at a small stuffed octopus.  Her silence speaks volumes.  Jester implores me to push her car into the Speedway parking lot.  It's been a while since I've been involved in World's Strongest Man type competitions, but why not?

Now bear in mind, I'm still in my business casual work clothes –- a polo shirt tucked into khakis, covered handsomely by a light jacket.  I sprint up to this chick's driver's window, which is rolled down.  She is bawling.  I ask her if she wants me to push her car into the parking lot, and she says something about her boyfriend being on the way to help.  "I didn't ask for your life story," I say, "Just whether you want some fucking help."  "Snatch her ass in a bear trap," I hear Daughter hiss, muffled through the car windows.  The chick says, "Ok" to my extremely generous offer, so I go behind the car.  The green arrow lights up, and I start to push, but nothing is happening.  I pop up and the chick says, "I don't know what to do!"  "Put the car in neutral and steer," I respond, with half a mind to leave her in the middle of the intersection. 

Once I start pushing, though, muscle memory kicks in, and I start hauling ass.  I high-knee it into the parking lot, where it comes to rest in a parking spot.  The chick, still crying because I assume her parents have made it so that she is incapable of handling adversity, says "thanks" and doesn't get out of her car.

I start walking to the Speedway when I realize all of the blood in my body is rushing to my quads.  For the next 2-3 minutes, I was woozy.  I thought I was going to pass out and/or have a heart attack.  "This is how it ends, you beautiful bitch," I huffed to myself, "In a fucking Speedway parking lot in a Lincoln Funeral Train community after performing a good deed."  I took some deep breaths and eventually got my heart rate down below 140 for long enough to piss and change Lollipop's diaper.  I don't think I got back to normal breathing for another 10-15 minutes.  Great workout, though.  Here is photographic evidence of my near-death experience.
So we go on our way and arrive in Roanoke to virtually no fanfare.  Friday night, of course, was IU's Sweet 16 match-up with Kentucky.  If you would have told me before the game that IU was going to score 90 points, I would have assumed we would have won.  I also would have assumed we wouldn't give up 102 points.  It's tough to beat a team that goes to the line 37 times and makes 35.  It's also tough to beat a team of paid professionals.  When Calipari hightails it out of Lexington to coach the Knicks, and it turns out some or all of UK's players were ineligible, be it from taking money, falsifying academic records, or whatever else has happened under Calipari's watch in the past, I wonder if UK will still hang the vacated banner in Rupp.  I bet they will.

Saturday night, we saw Jim Gaffigan live in Ft. Wayne.  That was pretty solid.  He did a set of new material (or new to me, anyway), and then did an encore with his Hot Pockets routine.  The man is quite funny.

And, of course, the Sweet 16 was whittled down to a Final Four:  Kentucky (evil), Ohio State (evil), Louisville (rapey), and Kansas (destroyer of my brackets).  For the first time since 2009, we have a Final Four without one of those annoying cinderellas.  The four teams have a combined 13 national titles (Kentucky 7, Kansas 3, Louisville 2, Ohio State 1) and 49 Final Four appearances (Kentucky 15, Kansas 14, Ohio State 11, Louisville 9).  You didn't think I was going to let you go without dropping some statistical knowledge on your hair, neck, and shoulders, did you?  DID YOU?!  Well, here we go.

Based on past performance of national titles per Final Four appearances, here is how the teams stack up as far as percentage of national titles per Final Fours:
1.  Kentucky:  50% (7/14)
2.  Louisville:  25% (2/8)
3.  Kansas:  23% (3/13)
4.  Ohio State:  10% (1/10)

This year is rare because each of the Final Four teams has already won an NCAA title.  This is only the seventh time this has happened since the NCAA tournament began in 1939.  The other years in which this occurred were 1992, 1993, 1995, 1998, 2007, and 2009.

The 13 combined national titles (which will become 14 come next Monday) is also relatively high.  If you look at every year since the tournament began and count all of the Final Four schools' national titles (whether it was won that year, prior, subsequent, or later vacated), this will be only the 23rd time (out of 73) that the Final Four schools' combined national titles is 12 or greater.  Of course, everything is skewed whenever UCLA is in the Final Four, since they have 11 titles, so below is the list, with the non-UCLA Final Fours in bold.  As you can see, this is only the 6th time the Final Four schools' combined national titles is 12 or greater when UCLA was not in the Final Four.

1.  1975:  21 - UCLA (11), Kentucky (7), Louisville (2), Syracuse (1)
2 (tie).  2008: 19 - Kansas (3), Memphis (0), UCLA (11), North Carolina (5)
2 (tie).  1995:  19 - UCLA (11), Arkansas (1), North Carolina (5), Oklahoma State (2)
4.  1972:  18 – UCLA (11), Florida State (0), North Carolina (5), Louisville (2)
5 (tie).  1976:  17 – Indiana (5), Michigan (1), UCLA (11), Rutgers (0)
5 (tie).  1974:  17 – NC State (2), Marquette (1), UCLA (11), Kansas (3)
5 (tie).  1968:  17 – UCLA (11), North Carolina (5), Ohio State (1), Houston (0)
8 (tie).  1993:  16 - North Carolina (5), Michigan (1), Kentucky (7), Kansas (3)
8 (tie).  1973:  16 – UCLA (11), Memphis State (0), Indiana (5), Providence (0)
8 (tie).  1969:  16 – UCLA (11), Purdue (0), Drake (0), North Carolina (5)
8 (tie).  1967:  16 – UCLA (11), Dayton (0), Houston (0), North Carolina (5)
8 (tie).  1964:  16 – UCLA (11), Duke (4), Michigan (1), Kansas State (0)
13 (tie).  2007: 15 - Florida (2), Ohio State (1), UCLA (11), Georgetown (1)
13 (tie).  1971:  15 – UCLA (11), Villanova (1), Western Kentucky (0), Kansas (3)
15 (tie).  1998:  14 - Kentucky (7), Utah (1), North Carolina (5), Stanford (1)
15 (tie).  1962:  14 – Cincinnati (2), Ohio State (1), Wake Forest (0), UCLA (11)
17 (tie).  2006: 13 - Florida (2), UCLA (11), LSU (0), George Mason (0)
17 (tie).  1997:  13 - Arizona (1), Kentucky (7), Minnesota (0), North Carolina (5)
17 (tie).  1991:  13 - Duke (4), Kansas (3), North Carolina (5), UNLV (1)
17 (tie).  1980:  13 – Louisville (2), UCLA (11), Purdue (0), Iowa (0)
21 (tie).  1992:  12 - Duke (4), Michigan (1), Indiana (5), Cincinnati (2)
21 (tie).  1957:  12 – North Carolina (5), Kansas (3), San Francisco (2), Michigan State (2)

Moving on to another worthless statistic, if you just look at how many titles the schools had won up to that point (and not including that year's title), this year is even rarer.  Here are the top ten years for number of prior national titles for the Final Four teams (with the number of titles up to, but not including, that year):

1.  2008: 17 - Kansas (2), Memphis (0), UCLA (11), North Carolina (4)
2.  1995:  16 - UCLA (10), Arkansas (1), North Carolina (3), Oklahoma State (2)
3.  2007: 14 - Florida (1), Ohio State (1), UCLA (11), Georgetown (1)
4 (tie).  2012:  13 - Kentucky (7), Kansas (3), Louisville (2), Ohio State (1)
4 (tie).  1975:  13 - UCLA (9), Kentucky (4), Louisville (0), Syracuse (0)
6.  1976:  12 – Indiana (2), Michigan (0), UCLA (10), Rutgers (0)
7 (tie).  2006: 11 - Florida (0), UCLA (11), LSU (0), George Mason (0)
7 (tie).  1998:  11 - Kentucky (6), Utah (1), North Carolina (3), Stanford (1)
9 (tie).  1980:  10 – Louisville (0), UCLA (10), Purdue (0), Iowa (0)
9 (tie).  1993:  10 - North Carolina (2), Michigan (1), Kentucky (5), Kansas (2)

Another interesting tidbit:  there are 9 schools with 8 or more Final Fours:  UCLA (18), North Carolina (18), Duke (15), Kentucky (15), Kansas (14), Ohio State (11), Louisville (9), Indiana (8), and Michigan State (8).  This is the 27th year in a row and the 55th year out of the last 56 that at least one of those 9 teams has been in the Final Four.  In fact, one of those teams has been in all but eight Final Fours (1941, 1943, 1947, 1950, 1954, 1955, 1956, and 1985).  Three of those teams have appeared in the same Final Four ten times (1957, 1968, 1972, 1975, 1986, 1991, 1993, 1999, 2005, 2008), but this is the first time the Final Four includes four of those teams.  Chew on that for a minute.

Thursday, March 22, 2012

Top March Madness Twitter Feeds

I'm not on Twitter, so I don't Tweet or follow anyone on Twitter.  However, if you do and you like March Madness, the good people at sent me a link to their article "Top 30 Twitter Feeds for Following March Madness."  It includes Tom Crean, so you know it's legit.  On a related note, go Hoosiers.

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Retro Video of the Week: "Every Rose Has Its Thorn" by Poison

More Sweet 16 Shite

I can't stop thinking about college basketball.  I don't even try anymore, even when people walk by my open window, look at the chalk-drawn dinosaurs on the sidewalk below, and say, "look at that dinosaur!," and then start singing in unison what I assume is the instrumental Jurassic Park theme.  All that makes me think of is that every team in the Sweet 16 has played at least one other team in the Sweet 16.  Here is how everyone fared (and which teams they played):

Xavier:  1-0 (Cincinnati)
Kentucky:  6-1 (Kansas (1-0), North Carolina (1-0), Indiana (0-1), Louisville (1-0), Florida (3-0)
Syracuse:  6-1 (Florida (1-0), NC State (1-0), Marquette (1-0), Cincinnati (1-1), Louisville (2-0))
North Carolina:  5-1 (Michigan State (1-0), Wisconsin (1-0), Kentucky (0-1), NC State (3-0)
Michigan State:  6-3 (North Carolina (0-1), Indiana (1-1), Wisconsin (3-0), Ohio State (2-1))
Indiana:  4-4 (NC State (1-0), Kentucky (1-0), Michigan State (1-1), Ohio State (1-1), Wisconsin (0-2))
Marquette:  3-3 (Wisconsin (1-0), Syracuse (0-1), Louisville (1-1), Cincinnati (1-1))
Kansas:  2-2 (Kentucky (0-1), Ohio State (1-0), Baylor (2-0))
Ohio State:  4-5 (Florida (1-0), Kansas (0-1), Indiana (1-1), Wisconsin (1-1), Michigan State (1-2))
Cincinnati: 3-4 (Xavier (0-1), Syracuse (1-1), Marquette (1-1), Louisville (1-1))
Louisville:  3-5 (Ohio (1-0), Kentucky (0-1), Marquette (1-1), Syracuse (0-2), Cincinnati (1-1))
Wisconsin:  3-6 (North Carolina (0-1), Marquette (0-1), Michigan State (0-3), Indiana (2-0), Ohio State (1-1))
Ohio:  0-1 (Louisville)
Baylor:  0-2 (Kansas)
Florida:  0-5 (Ohio State (0-1), Syracuse (0-1), Kentucky (0-3))
North Carolina State:  0-5 (Indiana (0-1), Syracuse (0-1), North Carolina (0-3))

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Tuesday Top Ten: Fun Facts About This Year's NCAA Tournament

The first weekend of the NCAA tournament.  St. Patrick's Day.  Eighty-degree weather.  Needless to say, Chicago was a fun place to be last weekend.  To top it off, with a dramatic late 9-point comeback against last year's tournament darling, VCU, my beloved Hoosiers made the Sweet 16 for the first time since their magical run to the title game in 2002.  The rest of the night was a blur of happiness, Thin Lizzy, Guinness, fish, and chips.

The tournament itself was good, with a couple huge upsets, a lot of close games, and a bed shitting by Purdue.  Here are the Sweet 16 teams, along with the last time they made the Sweet 16 (and their region, seeds, game time, and what station is televising the game):
South Region
(1) Kentucky (2011) vs. (4) Indiana (2002) - Friday 3/23 9:45 ET CBS
(3) Baylor (2010) vs. (10) Xavier (2010) - Friday 3/23 7:15 ET CBS
West Region
(1) Michigan State (2010) vs. (4) Louisville (2009) - Thursday 3/22 7:47 ET TBS
(3) Marquette (2011) vs. (7) Florida (2011) - Thursday 3/22 10:17 ET TBS
East Region
(1) Syracuse (2010) vs. (4) Wisconsin (2011) - Thursday 3/22 7:15 ET CBS
(2) Ohio State (2011) vs. (6) Cincinnati (2001) - Thursday 3/22 9:45 ET CBS
Midwest Region
(1) North Carolina (2011) vs. Ohio (1964) - Friday 3/23 7:47 ET TBS
(2) Kansas (2011) vs. (11) North Carolina State (2005) - Friday 3/23 10:17 ET TBS

If you're like me -- and you better pray to your deity that you're not –- you not only love the NCAA tournament, but you are fascinated with the history and statistical minutiae associated with the tournament.  Like I've done the last couple years, I'm going to destroy your mind with some statistical knowledge.  Here are eleven fun (fun for me, anyway) facts about this year's NCAA tournament.

11.  For the first time since 1985, there are no teams from the Mountain or Pacific time zones in the Sweet 16 and only two schools located west of the Mississippi River (Kansas and Baylor).  Since the tournament expanded to 16 teams in 1951, this is only the second time there have been two or fewer teams located west of the Mississippi in the Sweet 16 (there were also only two in 1985).

10.  Four Sweet 16 teams are from Ohio (Cincinnati, Ohio, Ohio State, and Xavier), which marks the first time four Sweet 16 teams have been from the same state, much less the worst state ever.

9.  Four of the Sweet 16 schools are private:  Baylor, Marquette, Syracuse, and Xavier.  This is the fewest since there were only two in 2005's Sweet 16.

8.  The Big Ten and Big East both have four teams in the Sweet 16, which is the first time since 1989 that two conferences have four teams in the Sweet 16.

7.  This is the first time since 2002 that the MAC has a team in the Sweet 16 (Ohio) and the first time since 1964 that Ohio has made it to the Sweet 16.

6.  Norfolk State's win over Missouri and Lehigh's win over Duke marked the fifth and sixth times, respectively, that a 15 seed has beaten a 2 seed.  It was the first time it happened twice in the same tournament.

5.  Cincinnati's win over Florida State was the first time in program history that Cincinnati beat a higher-seeded team in the NCAA tournament.

4.  The average seed number for Sweet 16 teams this year is 4.5625, which is pretty high if you consider that, if the seeding played out as it should (i.e., all teams seeded 1-4 advancing to the Sweet 16, which has never happened), the average seed number would be 2.5. Here is the average seed of Sweet 16 teams since 1985:

2012: 4.5625
2011: 5
2010: 5
2009: 3.0625
2008: 4.375
2007: 3.1875
2006: 4.4375
2005: 4.5
2004: 4.5625
2003: 4.1875
2002: 4.6875
2001: 4.5625
2000: 5.3125
1999: 5.5
1998: 4.75
1997: 4.8125
1996: 3.6875
1995: 3.1875
1994: 4.25
1993: 4.0625
1992: 4.1875
1991: 4
1990: 5.5
1989: 3.125
1988: 4.3125
1987: 4.25
1986: 5.5625
1985: 4.875

3.  For the first time since 2005, we only have 2 mid-majors in the Sweet 16. (I consider non-BCS conferences to be mid-majors, even if a school is now in a BCS conference, so, for instance, Cincinnati, DePaul, Louisville, and Marquette were mid-majors before joining the Big East in 2005. It's not a perfect science. Deal with it.) Here is a year-by-year breakdown of the number of mid-major teams that made it to the Sweet 16 since 1985:

2012: 2 (Ohio, Xavier)
2011: 5 (Butler, BYU, Richmond, San Diego State, VCU)
2010: 5 (Butler, Cornell, Northern Iowa, St. Mary's, Xavier)
2009: 3 (Gonzaga, Memphis, Xavier)
2008: 4 (Davidson, Memphis, Western Kentucky, Xavier)
2007: 4 (Butler, Memphis, Southern Illinois, UNLV)
2006: 5 (Bradley, George Mason, Gonzaga, Memphis, Wichita State)
2005: 2 (Utah, UW-Milwaukee)
2004: 4 (Nevada, St. Joseph's, UAB, Xavier)
2003: 2 (Butler, Marquette)
2002: 2 (Kent State, Southern Illinois)
2001: 2 (Cincinnati, Gonzaga, Temple)
2000: 2 (Gonzaga, Tulsa)
1999: 4 (Gonzaga, Miami (OH), SW Missouri State, Temple)
1998: 3 (Rhode Island, Utah, Valparaiso)
1997: 3 (St. Joseph's, Utah, UT-Chattanooga)
1996: 3 (Cincinnati, Massachusetts, Utah)
1995: 3 (Massachusetts, Memphis, Tulsa)
1994: 2 (Marquette, Tulsa)
1993: 4 (Cincinnati, George Washington, Temple, Western Kentucky)
1992: 5 (Cincinnati, Memphis State, Massachusetts, New Mexico State, UTEP)
1991: 4 (Eastern Michigan, Temple, UNLV, Utah)
1990: 4 (Ball State, Loyola Marymount, UNLV, Xavier)
1989: 2 (Louisville, UNLV)
1988: 4 (Louisville, Rhode Island, Richmond, Temple)
1987: 3 (DePaul, UNLV, Wyoming)
1986: 5 (Cleveland State, DePaul, Louisville, Navy, UNLV)
1985: 3 (Louisiana Tech, Loyola (IL), Memphis State)

2.  This year, there are 3 teams seeded 8 or lower that advanced to the Sweet 16: #10 Xavier, #11 NC State, and #13 Ohio.  For the third year in a row (and the fourth year in the last five), there are at least three double-digit seeds in the Sweet 16. Here is a year-by-year breakdown of the number of teams seeded #8 or lower that made it to the Sweet 16 since 1985:

2012: 3 (#10 Xavier, #11 NC State, and #13 Ohio)
2011: 5 (#8 Butler*, #10 Florida State, #11 Marquette, #11 VCU*, and #12 Richmond)
2010: 4 (#9 Northern Iowa, #10 St. Mary's, #11 Washington, #12 Cornell)
2009: 1 (#12 Arizona)
2008: 3 (#10 Davidson, #12 Villanova, #12 Western Kentucky)
2007: 0
2006: 2 (#11 George Mason*, #13 Bradley)
2005: 2 (#10 North Carolina State, #12 UW-Milwaukee)
2004: 3 (#8 Alabama, #9 UAB, #10 Nevada)
2003: 2 (#10 Auburn, #12 Butler)
2002: 4 (#8 UCLA, #10 Kent State, #11 Southern Illinois, #12 Missouri)
2001: 3 (#10 Georgetown, #11 Temple, #12 Gonzaga)
2000: 4 (#8 North Carolina*, #8 Wisconsin*, #10 Seton Hall, #10 Gonzaga)
1999: 5 (#10 Gonzaga, #10 Miami (OH), #10 Purdue, #12 Southwest Missouri State, #13 Oklahoma)
1998: 4 (#8 Rhode Island, #10 West Virginia, #11 Washington, #13 Valparaiso)
1997: 3 (#10 Texas, #10 Providence, #14 UT-Chattanooga)
1996: 2 (#8 Georgia, #12 Arkansas)
1995: 0
1994: 2 (#9 Boston College, #10 Maryland, #12 Tulsa)
1993: 1 (#12 George Washington)
1992: 2 (#9 UTEP, #12 New Mexico State)
1991: 3 (#10 Temple, #11 Connecticut, #12 Eastern Michigan)
1990: 4 (#8 North Carolina, #10 Texas, #11 Loyola Marymount, #12 Ball State)
1989: 1 (#11 Minnesota)
1988: 2 (#11 Rhode Island, #13 Richmond)
1987: 2 (#10 LSU, #12 Wyoming)
1986: 4 (#8 Auburn, #11 LSU*, #12 DePaul, #14 Cleveland State)
1985: 4 (#8 Villanova**, #11 Auburn, #11 Boston College, #12 Kentucky)
*Advanced to Final Four
**Won NCAA title

1.  The NCAA tournament is even that much more fun to watch when IU is in it, especially after the last couple years of despair.  I may have to break another toe this Friday, but if that's what it takes, so be it.

Sunday, March 18, 2012

Feed Me a Stray Cat

American Psycho is one of my favorite movies (and books, for that matter).  It's hilarious and disturbing.  Christian Bale is phenomenal as Patrick Bateman.  If you haven't seen it and you like dark comedies (and don't mind a little blood), then check it out.  Here is a link to a good article about American Psycho from a film blog on the Sun-Times website edited by Roger Ebert.  In addition to the article, there are a bunch of great still shots from the movie, a clip from the beginning of the movie, the red band trailer, and a 2000 Charlie Rose interview with Bret Easton Ellis (author of the book), Mary Harron (director and co-writer of the movie), and Bale.  Thanks to Tradd for the link.

Saturday, March 17, 2012

Midwestern Eavesdropping

Guy 1: "How did you shit yourself?"
Guy 2: "I ate nine sloppy joe sandwiches and then . . ."
--Chicago, Rocks, Schubert and Lakewood
Eavesdropper: GMYH

Some St. Patrick's Day Reading

Happy St. Patrick's Day, you Catholic, snake-hating bastards.  Please do not drink more than one green beer today.  Guinness not only tastes better, but is actually better for you.  Anyway, many of you lucky SOBs are probably already drinking at this point (if you live in Chicago, anyway), but if you're not yet pretending to be Irish, here are a couple good pre-St. Patrick's Day articles:
1.  The good people at sent me a link to their article called "9 Nutty Irishmen to Celebrate on the 17th."  I particularly enjoy #4 -- Mickey the Pikey from Snatch, perhaps Brad Pitt's greatest role ever.  There is a nice clip too.  #7 is also very solid -- Vivian Campbell, Def Leppard, ex-Dio, ex-Whitesnake, and part-time Thin Lizzy guitarist.  There is a good compilation of his solos.  I also like #9, Oscar Wilde, for his famous quote "Work is the curse of the drinking class."
2.  The second article is from Cracked, entitled "Eight Insulting Ways People Act Irish on St. Patrick's Day," apparently written by a real life Irishman.  Chances are he was drunk when he wrote it.  It's pretty funny and dead-on.  On a related note, one of my great-great-great-great grandpas was Irish, so this is kind of my holiday.

Thursday, March 15, 2012

Retro Video of the Week: "Nothin' But a G Thang" by Dr. Dre

The weather has been unseasonably warm here in Chicago, which makes me think of one thing:  spraying uppity bitches with 40s.

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Twas the Night Before Madness

Tomorrow at approximately 12:15 Eastern, the Madness officially begins.  As you may have been able to tell, I get a little bit excited for the NCAA tournament.  I've been like this as long as I can remember.  In 1987, we were in Morocco for the Final Four (pretty standard), and we didn't have a VCR at home, so my dad asked his friend to tape the national title game, and then we borrowed their VCR and the tape after we got back so we could watch it.  In 1989, I started keeping a bracket updated with the results throughout the tournament (which I have done every year since).  In seventh or eighth grade, I entered my first pool.  It was $1 a bracket.  The only time I ever ditched high school, I shit you not, was to watch the first round of the NCAA tournament.  It is, after all, the greatest three weeks in sports.  Perhaps the reason why it is so great is that it is a one-and-done tournament.  If you lose one game, you go home.  Other than the NFL, there aren't any similar playoff set-ups in the pros or the two major D-1 sports (football and basketball), but what makes the NCAA tournament even more exciting than the NFL playoffs is that there are 63 games (rather than 11) and these are college kids, with a finite amount of time in which they have a chance to play in the NCAA tournament.  If the Patriots lose in the Super Bowl, Tom Brady can possibly win the Super Bowl next year.  If a senior loses in the NCAA tournament, he will never play the NCAA tournament again.

Anyway, that leads me into three good articles I read this week about the tournament.  The first is from a Wall Street Journal blog, written by an IU grad living in Hong Kong who is doing everything she can to keep up with the Hoosiers.  (Thanks to Miller Time for the link.)  The second is from the New York Times, entitled "What Your NCAA Tournament Bracket Says About You."  Mine says I'm probably wrong.  The third is from the Onion about this year's IU team.  It is pretty much spot-on.

As you may know, since the field was expanded to 64 teams in 1985, no #16 seed has ever beaten a #1 seed.  In fact, a #16 seed has lost by 5 points or less only 5 times (and not in 16 years): (1) Michigan beat Farleigh Dickinson 59-55 in 1985; (2) Georgetown beat Princeton 50-49 in 1989 (a game I remember watching); (3) Oklahoma beat East Tennessee State 72-71 in 1989; (4) Michigan State beat Murray State 75-71 in 1990; (5) Purdue beat Western Carolina 73-71 in 1996 (one of the games I watched while ditching school).  This is all set to change.  I had a dream Sunday night that a #1 seed lost to a #16 seed.  I couldn't tell what team lost, but at least one team playing had blue in its jersey, which means it could be any of the 1 vs. 16 matchups except Michigan State vs. LIU.  My grandma used have premonitions in dreams, whether it was about someone dying or pick 3 lottery numbers.  Basically, if she had a dream that you died, the grim reaper was about to tap you on the shoulder.  If I have even a smidgen of her psychic abilities, then Kentucky, Syracuse, and North Carolina better be on upset alert.  Please keep this in mind as you are filling out your brackets, and don't say I didn't warn you.

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

Tuesday Top Ten: St. Patrick's Day Songs

Every five or six years, depending on leap years, the perfect storm occurs:  St. Patrick's Day falls on a Saturday during the first weekend of the NCAA tournament.  This is one of those years.  The last one was in 2007, and it was a white hot mess of a good time, complete with jacked-up beer prices, near cat-fights about an Ohio State/Xavier second-round tournament game, several pizzas, neon green sweater vests, and the purchase of a Wii.

One can only hope this year will be equally as fun-filled.  Dreams were nearly shattered when my retired mom decided to go back to work temporarily to usher a reality TV camera crew around an airport, which includes Saturdays.  We were going to take Daughter and Lollipop to her house for St. Patrick's Day, until my mom informed me of this horrible decision she made.  I haven't screamed at my mom that loud since she turned off the Nintendo during what would have been my eighteenth Nolan Ryan perfect game on RBI baseball.

Hope seemed to be lost, until it was regained by the grace of one hell of a woman.  Jesterio the Magnificent, my peach of a wife who is skilled not only at three-card monte but also being awesome, has proposed a solution.  She will meet up with some friends from about 11 to 2 while I watch the kids.  She will then come home, and I will go out for the rest of the day/night, provided that I find somewhere else to sleep that night, probably to avoid an hour-long conversation with Vampire Monet at three in the morning.  She knows that it would literally kill me (figuratively) to sit at home during a perfect storm St. Patrick's Day, and I love her for recognizing that and actually letting me go out.  She is, without a doubt, the best wife ever.  (Suck on that, FDR.)

Anyway, all of this is just a lead-in to my annual list of Top Ten St. Patrick's Day Songs

If you're having a party, download these songs and make them part of your playlist. If you're going to a bar, you better damn well find these on the jukebox. If you're not doing anything, listen to these songs anyway and have a car bomb while you try to figure out how to make your situation better.

So, here are my Top Ten St. Patrick's Day songs, in no particular order.

10. "Whiskey in the Jar" by Thin Lizzy.
You can't have a list involving Irish music without this traditional Irish folk song or without Ireland's greatest rockers (take that, U2!). "Whiskey in the Jar" is a story of an Irish highwayman who is betrayed by his woman. Man, I've been there. It was a No. 1 hit in Ireland for 17 straight weeks in 1972 and a top ten hit on the UK charts a year later.  If you are at Rocks on St. Patrick's Day, you will hear this song many times.

9. "Shamrocks and Shenanigans" by House of Pain.
Boom shalock lock boom! This song may not be the most lyrically or musically complex offering on this list, but its title does represent what St. Patrick's Day is all about (aside from banishing snakes).

8. "Danny Boy" by Johnny Cash.
There are many versions of "Danny Boy," but I'm a fan of this one because it's from one of the Man in Black's final albums (2002's American IV: The Man Come Around), and it sounds like Cash is singing for his own impending funeral. It's eerie, but beautiful at the same time.

7. "Drunken Lullabies" by Flogging Molly.
Along with Dropkick Murphys, Flogging Molly are the leaders of the modern Celtic punk genre (which is interesting, considering their lead singer, Dave King, was once the high-wailing singer of early '80s metal band Fastway). Anyway, this song is high-energy, fun as hell, and has been featured in St. Patrick's Day beer commercials (Killian's, I believe, which is interesting, considering Killian's isn't an Irish beer, kind of sucks, and is the reason Caffrey's is no longer imported into the U.S. Thanks Coors.).

6. "Sunday Bloody Sunday" by U2.
To combat the fun-loving, drinking-themed songs, one must only look as far as Ireland's most popular rockers to bring you back down to the intra-island strife that has plagued Ireland since Partition (and even before). "Sunday Bloody Sunday" has always been one of my favorite U2 songs. It's about the 1972 event in Derry, Northern Ireland, where British troops shot at unarmed civil rights marchers, killing 13 (interestingly, this is one of several "Bloody Sundays" throughout modern Irish history).

5. "The Way Young Lovers Do" by Van Morrison.
It was tough trying to pick a Van Morrison song for this list. "Brown-Eyed Girl" is too cliché, the entire Moondance album is great, but none of the songs seemed to fit with a St. Patrick's Day theme. Thus, I went with one of my favorites off of Astral Weeks, "The Way Young Lovers Do," since it's upbeat and generally all right.

4. "Alternative Ulster" by Stiff Little Fingers.
This is just a great, catchy punk song by Belfast-based Stiff Little Fingers. The opening riff has shades of Irish influences, before busting into a frenzied song -- written at the height of the IRA/Unionist violence -- encouraging the citizens of Ulster (that's Northern Ireland for those unfamiliar with Irish history) to bring about a positive change to the violence.

3. "Streams of Whiskey" by The Pogues.
A St. Patrick's Day list wouldn't be complete without The Pogues. This song seemed like a fitting one to include, since I plan on bathing myself in streams of whiskey on Saturday. Another solid Pogues choice would have been "The Sick Bed Of Cuchulainn," so I included that in the playlist too.

2. "Kiss Me I'm Shitfaced" by Dropkick Murphys.
The title says it all. I also included on the playlist their more famous song, "I'm Shipping Up to Boston," which was featured in The Departed and now, unfortunately, at Red Sox games and in Tilted Kilt commercials.

1. "Róisín Dubh (Black Rose): A Rock Legend" by Thin Lizzy.
From the Irish Gaelic title based on a Sixteenth Century Irish political song to the bombastic dueling lead guitars to the moment Phil Lynott's vocals kick in ("Tell me the legends of long ago . . .") to the Irish-influenced guitar break to the "yeeeeeeeep" during the guitar break to the post-guitar break moment when Lynott's vocal kick in again ("Oohhhhhhhh, tell me the legends of long ago . . .") and the following ode to all things Irish, from folklore to literature to music, this is an undying, Irish epic and (as if you couldn't tell) one of my favorite Thin Lizzy songs. didn't have it, so here is a link. Enjoy.

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Monday, March 12, 2012

What Your Bracket is Trying to Tell You

Hi, I'm your bracket.  That $10 that you're about to give to Jim in Accounting for your office pool?  You're never going to see that again, not because you haven't watched enough college basketball this year (that's impossible), but because you're an idiot.  You have so much hope right now it's sickening, so before you start writing, I want to tell you something.  I am trying to break your heart.  Yeah, I just made a Wilco reference.  What, just because I'm a piece of paper, I can't listen to music or watch documentaries?  Well I do.  And mark my words, I am your Waterloo.

On that note, I also want to let you know that there will be some major upsets.  You will not pick them.  If anything, you will pick the team that will be upset to win it all.  Because you do that every year.

Wow, you're going to use a green felt-tip pen?  Might as well use a crayon, Peter Pan.  Okay, we're starting with the South Region.  Top left.  How fucking original.  No one ever starts on the right side.  Kentucky over either Mississippi Valley State or Western Kentucky.  Bravo.  UConn over Iowa State.  That's a sexy pick that makes me think you haven't heard Doug Gottlieb say "Iowa State has three different players who hit 50 threes this season" for the fiftieth time.  VCU over Wichita State.  I appreciate the 12-5 upset, but not this one.  Indiana over New Mexico State, UNLV over Colorado, Baylor over South Dakota State.  Good good good.  Xavier over Notre Dame.  False.  Duke over Lehigh.  I would hope so.  Onto the third round.  Yeah, that's right, it's called the third round, not the second round.  See, it says it right on me.  I'm sure you still want to call the first round the "play-in games," but then again, you are a twat.  So anyway, Kentucky over UConn.  Thank you for not pandering to all the idiots on TV who say UConn will beat Kentucky.  VCU over Indiana?  Really?  I take back my last comment, as you are clearly pandering to some idiots who, because of Butler and VCU, there HAS to be a mid-major in the Final Four.  Baylor over UNLV.  I agree.  Duke over Xavier.  Wow, that's two in a row that made sense.  Okay, Sweet 16.  Try not to fuck this up.  Kentucky over VCU and Baylor over Duke.  I can actually live with that.  Baylor over Kentucky.  Wait, what are you doing?  Everyone knows Kentucky is going to win it all.  Coach Calipari doesn't look the other way while his players get paid for nothing.  Sure, it's going to get vacated later, but that doesn't mean you can't pick it now.  Jesus, you suck.

Good God, let's hope you do better in the West.  MSU over LIU.  Yes.  St. Louis over Memphis.  I can see that.  New Mexico over Long Beach State.  That's a 12-5 upset ripe for the picking, but I respect your decision, even if I don't respect you.  Louisville over Davidson.  Of course.  Murray State over Colorado State.  Agreed.  You're doing really well so –- Iona over Marquette?!  I know what you're thinking:  "There's gotta be one major upset in the first round."  First of all, it's called the second round now.  Learn how to read.  Second, I can't slap you in the mouth, but if I could, I would.  I would also box your ears.  Virginia over Florida.  Seems possible.  Mizzou over Norfolk State.  You sure, Captain Upset?  Third Round.  MSU over St. Louis.  Thank you.  Louisville over New Mexico.  I have no problem with that.  Murray State over Iona.  You got that right.  Mizzou over Virginia.  I hate to say it, but smart choice.  Sweet 16.  Michigan State over Louisville.  Fine.  Murray State over Mizzou?!  Now you're just trying to piss me off.  Michigan State over Murray State for a trip to the Final Four.  Thank you for not making me set myself on fire.

Wagons East!  Yeah, I just made a reference to one of the worst movies of all-time in an attempt to tie it to the fact that your next region is the East.  It was a risky move on my part, and by the perplexed look on your face, I see that it fell flat.  Remember this:  I am still your master.  Syracuse beats UNC-Asheville.  Clearly.  Southern Miss over Kansas State.  Okay.  Vandy over Harvard.  So you pick VCU and Iona, but not Harvard over one of the biggest choke schools in recent memory?  Two things are guaranteed in life:  Walter doesn't roll on Shabbos and Vanderbilt won't make it past the first weekend of the NCAA tournament.  "But they're different this year.  They have momentum from winning the SEC tournament."  Stop listening to Dick Vitale, and start looking at history.  They made the Elite 8 in 1965.  Since then, they have made it past the first weekend five times.  Their last three trips to the dance have lasted one game, losing as a 5 seed last year, a 4 seed in 2010, and a 4 seed in 2008.  I hate you.  Wisconsin over Montana.  Good.  Cincinnati over Texas.  I agree.  Florida State over St. Bonaventure.  I would think you're actually right on that one.  Gonzaga over West Virginia.  I suppose that's possible.  Ohio State over Loyola (Md.).  Way to finish that round strong.  Round of 32.  Syracuse over Southern Miss.  Agreed.  Vandy over Wisconsin.  Let me guess, you were the one person who watched Baby Bob.  Florida State over Cincy.  Fine.  Ohio State over Gonzaga.  Probably.  Sweet 16.  Vandy over Syracuse?!  You really are drinking the kool-aid, aren't you.  You do realize there is poison in it, right?  Of course you don't.  Because you weren't listening to Reverend Jones's speech.  Ohio State over Florida State.  I don't care anymore.  And, of course, you take Vandy over Ohio State to go to the Final Four.  Good luck, you magnificent moron.

Final region:  The Midwest.  Redeem yourself.  UNC over either Lamar or Vermont.  Touché.  Creighton over Alabama.  You're right.  Cal over Temple, huh?  A team from the Pac-12 that has no business being in the tournament is going to beat the A-10 regular season champ?  Why do I bother?  Ohio over Michigan?!  Okay, chode.  Now you're just trying to piss me off.  San Diego State over NC State.  Thank you for not listening to Doug Gottlieb on this one.  Georgetown over Belmont.  Good.  St. Mary's over Purdue.  Thank you.  Kansas over Detroit.  Glad you didn't buy into that "Kansas always loses in the first round" hype.  Okay, let's move onto the next round so I can reconsider any kind words I've said about you.  UNC over Creighton.  Well done, shitbag.  Cal over Ohio.  Does it really matter at that point?  San Diego State over Georgetown.  Ugh.  St. Mary's over Kansas?!  What in holy hell is wrong with you?  You know what an Alaskan Pipeline is?  That's what I want to do to you right now, but in your pee hole.  Sweet 16.  UNC over Cal.  Jesus, you sure?  St. Mary's over San Diego State.  Whatever.  UNC over St. Mary's for the Final Four berth. 

Let's get this over with.  Your Final Four is Baylor, Michigan State, Vanderbilt, and North Carolina.  Stop tapping your pen on me while you think.  Michigan State over Baylor.  I can live with that.  North Carolina over Vandy.  Our long national nightmare is over.  Michigan State over North Carolina in the aircraft carrier rematch.  Great job, dickhead.  I weep for you.  You know what's going to happen.  Come Monday April 2, you'll be wallowing in self-pity, sitting at some bar, playing Linda Ronstadt's version of "When Will I Be Loved?" on repeat on the jukebox, half in the bag with dried blueberry daiquiri stains on your shirt, babbling to some stranger while Kentucky and Syracuse play for the title.  "You know, I almost picked them," you'll mumble right before you vomit on yourself and are escorted out of the bar.  No you didn't, and I am the proof.  But by then I will have been long gone, buried at the bottom of your office recycling bin along with junk mail and the latest issue of GQ.  Because, even though you're well-dressed, you suck.

Mascot Fight Bracket

Back when I lived in Dayton, I used to run my office March Madness pool.  In Ohio, I kid you not, they have an exception in their state gambling law for March Madness pools, or at least that's what the office manager told us.  Anyway, one of the partners brought me a couple brackets one year, one of which was filled out by his six-year-old son.  The guy was almost apologetic about it (like I cared if he was wasting $5 on his son's bracket), and he explained that his son chose if bracket based on which school's mascot would beat the opposing school's mascot in a fight.  The final was Nevada vs. NC State.  That's right:  Wolf Pack vs. Wolfpack.  I assume he flipped a coin to choose Nevada.  He placed last.

So far, I have filled out 15 brackets, each with a different Final Four.  I hate all of them.  Thus, for my next bracket, I will go the route of the mascot.  Here is how it plays out.

South Region:
(16) Mississippi Valley State Delta Devils vs. (16) Western Kentucky Hilltoppers.  The devil bought Robert Johnson's soul at the crossroads in the Mississippi Delta.  That's hardcore enough to beat someone who can run to the top of a dirt mound.  Winner:  Mississippi Valley State

Round of 64:
(1) Kentucky Wildcats vs. (16) Mississippi Valley State Delta Devils.  This is a tough one.  On one hand, a wildcat is wild.  On the other hand, the devil is the devil.  I'm going to assume the devil controls wildcats, so Mississippi Valley State advances.  Winner:  Mississippi Valley State
(8) Iowa State Cyclones vs. (9) Connecticut Huskies.  Cyclones throw Huskies to their deaths.  Winner:  Iowa State
(5) Wichita State Shockers vs. (12) Virginia Commonwealth Rams.  Rams are stupid animals.  While I have no idea what a Shocker is (outside of the bedroom), I am going to assume it means an electric fence.  Rams run into electric fences.  Winner:  Wichita State
(4) Indiana Hoosiers vs. New Mexico State Aggies.  I went to Indiana, and I'm not really sure what a Hoosier is, other than someone from the State of Indiana.  Hoosiers don't get beat or outsmarted by ag schools.  Winner:  Indiana
(6) UNLV Running Rebels vs. (11) Colorado Buffaloes.  Rebels have guns.  Buffaloes stand still and get shot.  Winner:  UNLV
(3) Baylor Bears vs. (14) South Dakota State Jackrabbits.  Bears eat Jackrabbits.  Winner:  Baylor
(7) Notre Dame Fighting Irish vs. (10) Xavier Musketeers.  Some drunk Irishman against a dude with a rifle?  No contest.  Winner:  Xavier.
(2) Duke Blue Devils vs. (15) Lehigh Mountain Hawks.  Sure, a Mountain Hawk is a hawk, but a devil, no matter his color, is a devil.  Winner:  Duke

Round of 32:
(8) Iowa State Cyclones vs. (16) Mississippi Valley State Delta Devils.  Cyclones are God's creation.  Sorry, Delta Devils.  Winner:  Iowa State
(4) Indiana Hoosiers vs. (5) Wichita State Shockers.  Hoosiers are familiar enough with electric fences to know how to avoid them and/or how to de-electrify them safely.  Winner:  Indiana
(3) Baylor Bears vs. (6) UNLV Running Rebels.  Rebels have guns.  Bears don't.  Winner:  UNLV
(2) Duke Blue Devils vs. (10) Xavier Musketeers.  This is a tough one.  A Blue Devil is mischievous and spry, while a Musketeer is a French dude with a gun.  Devils control the French.  Winner:  Duke

Sweet 16:
(4) Indiana Hoosiers vs. (8) Iowa State Cyclones.  You don't live in Tornado Alley without knowing how to deal with tornadoes.  The Hoosiers go to the storm cellar and wait for the Cyclones to pass and eventually dissipate. Winner:  Indiana
(2) Duke Blue Devils vs. (6) UNLV Running Rebels.  Rebels have guns, but Blue Devils control Rebels.   Winner:  Duke

Elite 8:
(2) Duke Blue Devils vs. (4) Indiana Hoosiers.  Even God-fearing Hoosiers can be tricked -- and killed -- by the devil.  Winner:  Duke

West Region:
(14) BYU Cougars vs. (14) Iona Gaels.  A sword-wielding Scot can chop the head off of a Morman cat.  Winner:  Iona.

Round of 64:
(1) Michigan State Spartans vs. (16) Long Island University Blackbirds.  Blackbird singing in the dead of night . . . is killed swiftly by a Spartan.  Winner:  Michigan State
(8) Memphis Tigers vs. (9) St. Louis Billikens.  A billiken is apparently, I shit you not, a charm doll.  Winner:  Memphis
(5) New Mexico Lobos vs. (12) Long Beach State 49ers.  This is a close call.  I'm going to give the wild animal the benefit of the kill here over some money-hungry asshole from Ohio who just arrived in California with nothing more than a prospecting pan and a dream.  Wolves eat dreams' faces.  Winner:  New Mexico
(4) Louisville Cardinals vs. (13) Davidson Wildcats.  No analysis necessary.  Winner:  Davidson
(6) Murray State Racers vs. (11) Colorado State Rams.  This is another close call.  A Racer is a thoroughbred horse, so it's fast and powerful, while a ram has horns.  I'm going with the Rams, due to the battering ability.  Winner:  Colorado State
(3) Marquette Golden Eagles vs. (14) Iona Gaels.  Eagles can fly, but Gaels probably have bow and arrows.  Winner:  Iona
(7) Florida Gators vs. (10) Virginia Cavaliers.  Some haughty Frenchman, bendy little sword in hand, steps off a canoe on the banks of a river, twirls the end of his Rollie Fingers mustache and promptly gets snapped up by a Gator.  Winner:  Florida
(2) Missouri Tigers vs. (15) Norfolk State Spartans.  Have you seen 300?  A Spartan can kill a Tiger.  Winner:  Norfolk State

Round of 32:
(1) Michigan State Spartans vs. (8) Memphis Tigers.  Again, Spartans beat Tigers.  Winner:  Michigan State
(5) New Mexico Lobos vs. (13) Davidson Wildcats.  A classic matchup of natural predators.  This will be a bloody mess, but I have to go with the wolf over the cat.  Winner:  New Mexico
(11) Colorado State Rams vs. (14) Iona Gaels.  Gaels fuck Rams.  Winner:  Iona
(7) Florida Gators vs. (15) Norfolk State Spartans.  This is a tricky one.  Spartans can be pretty cocky, so they probably think nothing of getting into the water with a Gator.  The problem for the Spartan is a little thing called the death roll.  Winner:  Florida

Sweet 16:
(1) Michigan State Spartans vs. (5) New Mexico Lobos.  This one could go either way, but I'm giving the Spartan the edge because of the sword and general disregard for their own safety when fighting to the death.  Winner:  Michigan State.
(7) Florida Gators vs. (14) Iona Gaels.  Gaels, while insane Scots, are out of their element when it comes to the Gator.  While they're in awe of what they assume is Nessie, the Gator eats their legs and they bleed out.  Winner:  Florida

Elite 8:
(1) Michigan State Spartans vs. (7) Florida Gators.  We've already established what happens when a Spartan meets a Gator.  Winner:  Florida

East Region:
Round of 64:
(1) Syracuse Orangemen vs. (16) North Carolina-Asheville Bulldogs.  A man with orange-tinted skin is no match for a bulldog.  Winner:  North Carolina-Asheville
(8) Kansas State Wildcats vs. (9) Southern Mississippi Golden Eagles.  The Golden Eagle swoops down, snatches the Wildcat up with its talons, flies to about 50 feet and drops the Wildcat.  It's not pretty, but that's how it goes down.  Winner:  Southern Mississippi
(5) Vanderbilt Commodores vs. (12) Harvard Crimson.  This could be the weakest mascot match-up, but I guess a guy who drives boats beats a color.  Winner:  Vanderbilt
(4) Wisconsin Badgers vs. (13) Montana Grizzlies.  Badgers are tenacious, but Grizzlies are bears.  Winner:  Montana
(6) Cincinnati Bearcats vs. (11) Texas Longhorns.  A Bearcat is, presumably, a fictional animal that combines the speed and agility of a cat with the power and claws of a bear.  A Longhorn is a cow.  Winner:  Cincinnati
(3) Florida State Seminoles vs. (14) St. Bonaventure Bonnies.  Obviously, a Seminole is a Native American tribesman.  A Bonnie is a nickname that plays off the school name, but the mascot is a wolf.  I bet Seminoles could kill wolves, given that they ride horses and have flaming spears.  Winner:  Florida State
(7) Gonzaga Bulldogs vs. (10) West Virginia Mountaineers.  I'm going with the hill people with guns over the dog with back problems.  Winner:  West Virginia
(2) Ohio State Buckeyes vs. (15) Loyola (Md.) Greyhounds.  A Buckeye is a nut.  But it is a poisonous nut.  Greyhounds will eat anything.  Winner:  Ohio State

Round of 32:
(9) Southern Mississippi Golden Eagles vs. (16) North Carolina-Asheville Bulldogs.  Bulldogs are too lazy to move, even when a Golden Eagle is approaching to snatch it up and drop it from great heights.  Winner:  Southern Mississippi
(5) Vanderbilt Commodores vs. (13) Montana Grizzlies.  I don't care if you can steer a ship or not, you are no match for a Grizzly.  Winner:  Montana
(3) Florida State Seminoles vs. (6) Cincinnati Bearcats.  Flaming spears beat hybrid animals.  Winner:  Florida State
(2) Ohio State Buckeyes vs. (10) West Virginia Mountaineers.  "Oh, look at this here delicious nut."  Dead.  Winner:  Ohio State

Sweet 16:
(9) Southern Mississippi Golden Eagles vs. (13) Montana Grizzlies.  The Golden Eagle can't pick up a Grizzly.  Winner:  Montana
(2) Ohio State Buckeyes vs. (3) Florida State Seminoles.  I feel like Native Americans know which nuts are poisonous.  Winner:  Florida State

Elite 8:
(3) Florida State Seminoles vs. (13) Montana Grizzlies.  This is your classic man vs. beast match-up.  You might be thinking, "Oh dear God, GMYH, how can a man ever defeat such a large and ferocious beast such as the Grizzly?"  To that I respond, "Because he lives off the land, knows when the bear is sleeping and has a flaming spear.  And what's with the Scarlett O'Hara accent?"  Winner:  Florida State

Midwest Regional:
(16) Lamar Cardinals vs. (16) Vermont Catamounts.  No analysis necessary.  Winner:  Vermont
(12) California Bears vs. (12) South Florida Bulls.  A stock brokers dream!  Unfortunately for the market, the Bear kills the Bull.  Winner:  California

Round of 64:
(1) North Carolina Tar Heels vs. (16) Vermont Catamounts.  Do you know what happens when your heel gets stuck in tar?  A mountain lion disembowels you.  Winner:  Vermont
(8) Creighton Blue Jays vs. (9) Alabama Crimson Tide.  I don't know what a Crimson Tide is, but I'll assume it's a tidal wave with red flood coloring in it.  Blue Jays can fly above sea level.  Winner:  Creighton
(5) Temple Owls vs. (12) California Bears.  Another one where no analysis is necessary.  Winner:  California
(4) Michigan Wolverines vs. (13) Ohio Bobcats.  This is going to be a great battle with a lot of bloodshed.  Both are gritty and scratchy, but I'll go with the Wolverine in a close one.  Winner:  Michigan
(6) San Diego State Aztecs vs. (11) North Carolina State Wolfpack.  I have to agree with the reasoning of my former co-worker's son.  Wolfpacks are tough to beat.  The thing about them is that there are multiple wolves.  Wolves can't be lured with gold like Cortes.  Winner:  North Carolina State
(3) Georgetown Hoyas vs. (14) Belmont Bruins.  You may think a Hoya is a bulldog based on Georgetown's mascot.  It is not.  It is derived from a Latin saying that means "What Rocks!" meaning "look at how awesome those rocks are!"  A bruin is a bear.  Winner:  Belmont
(7) St. Mary's Gaels vs. (10) Purdue Boilermakers.  "Hi, I am someone who make boilers," the Boilermaker said to the Gael seconds before being opened scrotum to chin by the Gael's sword.  Winner:  St. Mary's
(2) Kansas Jayhawks vs. (15) Detroit Titans.  I have to believe that a race of Greek deities can handle an alt-country band.  Winner:  Detroit

Round of 32:
(8) Creighton Blue Jays vs. (16) Vermont Catamounts.  No analysis necessary.  Winner:  Vermont
(4) Michigan Wolverines vs. (12) California Bears.  A wolverine is a great predator if you're looking to kill a squirrel or a sheep, but not a bear.  Winner:  California
(11) North Carolina State Wolfpack vs. (14) Belmont Bruins.  One bear versus one wolf would be a win for the bear.  But we're talking about a Wolfpack here.  Winner:  North Carolina State
(7) St. Mary's Gaels vs. (15) Detroit Titans.  This is a tough one.  The Titans were overthrown by the Olympians, so they're certainly not unbeatable.  The Gaels are tougher than nails, but have had problems fending off England.  That said, the English army has had more members than the Titans, and there are a lot more Gaels than Titans.  It's going to be a tough fight, but you have to think the Olympians will help out the Gaels.  Winner:  St. Mary's

Sweet 16:
(12) California Bears vs. (16) Vermont Catamounts.  Bears can kick cats.  Winner:  California
(7) St. Mary's Gaels vs. (11) North Carolina State Wolfpack.  Not even a bunch of rowdy Scots are a match for a Wolfpack.  Winner:  North Carolina State

Elite 8:
(11) North Carolina State Wolfpack vs. (12) California Bears.  We've already tackled the Wolfpack vs. Bear issue.  Winner:  North Carolina State

Final Four
(2) Duke Blue Devils vs. (7) Florida Gators.  Devils control the swamp.  Everyone knows that.  Winner:  Duke
(3) Florida State Seminoles vs. (11) North Carolina State Wolfpack.  Sure, a Seminole riding a horse with a flaming spear can kill one wolf, but a Wolfpack?  I think not.  Even if the spear gets one wolf, the rest of the pack devours the horse and Seminole.  Winner:  North Carolina State

(2) Duke vs. (11) North Carolina State.  A Blue Devil controls Wildcats, the French, Rebels, and the swamp, so you would be right to assume it can control a Wolfpack.  Except that you'd be wrong.  The Wolfpack is the only thing that controls a Wolfpack.  Winner:  North Carolina State

So apparently that six-year-old was a genius.