Thursday, May 31, 2012

Midwestern Eavesdropping

A two-year-old girl walking down the sidewalk passes a priest wearing white clerical robe and tells him:  "That's a pretty dress!"
--Chicago, Sheffield & Belden
Eavesdropper:  Jesterio

Thirtysomething male:  "Every time I make an AIDS joke at work, it goes downhill."
Eavesdropper:  Tron

7-year-old girl, right after she kicked a boy right in the shin after he had been pushing and bullying her during soccer match:
Boy: "That hurt! Why did you just kick me?"
Girl: "Because it's soccer and we're not allowed to use our hands!"
Eavesdroppers:  Papa Rockport and J Money

Two guys talk on crowded elevator:
Guy #1:  "I mean, it's not babies with AIDS."
(awkward pause)
Guy #2:  "What?!"
Guy #1:  "Well, I didn't know the scale we were using."
--Chicago, 515 N. State
Eavesdropper:  RDC

Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Tuesday Top Ten: Moments from the Weekend

I meant to post this yesterday, but ended up going to play some trivia instead.  I'm sorry to keep you waiting.  Anyway, I had a pretty damn good Memorial Day weekend.  Here are the top ten moments, in chronological order.

1.  Friday afternoon, the office closed early.  That, combined with the Dexedrine, had whipped me into a frenzy, so I sprinted the three miles home rather than take the L.  People I passed on the street were in absolute awe as I breezed past them.  I should also point out that my office has moved to an all-mesh dress code.

2.  Friday night, I went to Rocks with Gregerson, his ladyfriend Colleen, and Daniel.  Karaoke was sung.  I was baffled when a dude got up there to sing "Gin and Juice" and had to stop after the first verse because he didn't know the words.  First, he broke the most important rule of karaoke:  don't sing a song you don't know the words to.  Second, who doesn't know every word to "Gin and Juice?"  To make up for his horrible performance, someone else got up there and did a flawless "Nuthin' But a G Thang" with no words on the screen.  Gregerson and I performed an eerie spoken-word version of Skid Row's "18 and Life."

3.  Saturday morning, morning I got a haircut.  Just to clear up any potential confusion, I got them all cut.  All of them.

4.  Saturday afternoon, we took the kids to Arlington to teach them how to handicap the ponies.  It was hot as balls, but the experience was worth it.  As it turns out, all you have to do to win money is correctly predict the finishing order of horses.  Here was our view.

5.  Saturday evening, my dad came to visit.  We ate Thai food, watched TV, drank different kinds of alcohol (did you know they now make white wine?), and discussed the ins and outs of interstate pet transport.

6.  Sunday afternoon, we went to my nephew's first birthday.  This happened.
 At the birthday party, we also watched the Indy 500, as Takuma Sato made what could have been an awesome last lap into a win under caution for a Scot with an Italian name married to a woman who graduated from a college with a coach who has had two (soon to be four) Final Fours vacated.

7.  Sunday evening, the kids were at my mom's house for the night, so Jester and I raged (well, that was my goal anyway).  We went to a house party/cookout, where we drank some beers and debated whether pro football will exist in 30 years.  (It will, by the way, so calm down.)  After that, we went to Old Town Ale House for a beer, then to Fireside Inn for literally 30 seconds, then to Gamekeepers for a couple drinks and a few swings at the punching bag.  Jester was having indigestion, heartburn, or some other made-up gastrointestinal malady, so we went home around 1:30, instead of 4, as I had hoped.  We hopped into a cab, when I performed what I thought was a noble act.  Jester was wearing a dress with a braided leather belt over it, since apparently chicks can't just wear dresses by themselves anymore.  After we got into the cab, she took the belt off and said something like, "Oh, I feel so much better."  This indicated to me that the belt was the source of her discomfort, so I did what any loving husband who doesn't want to see his wife suffer would do.  I held out my hand.  She gave me the belt.  I immediately dropped it out of the cab window onto Lincoln Avenue.  That was not what she wanted.  A tirade ensued, resulting in the cab pulling two mid-block U-turns so that we could retrieve the belt.  After we got the belt back, we spent the rest of the ride home laughing.

8.  Monday morning, I got my chest full of white pants out of storage.

9.  Monday for lunch, we met up with Jester's friend Beth, who was in town with her husband and his kids for the weekend.  Jester did not wear a belt.  We went to DMK, which is a fantastic burger bar not too far from where we live.  I got the Santo, which is a special burger for May on Cubs home games.  It is a burger topped with Italian beef, fontina cheese, giardiniera, and au jus.  It was delicious.  No word on whether, in order to get it on the menu, Cubs fans had to bitch about it not being on the menu for 20 years.

10.  Monday afternoon, we went to my mom's for a BBQ.   I pounded the last six bottles of Tequiza left in the world, cranked some Sabbath, and punted a mini soccer ball straight up into the air about 40 feet and didn't even move as it fell right back into my hands.  The look on Daughter and Lollipop's faces can only be described as a combination of concern and pride.

11.  Bonus!  Yesterday afternoon around 3:45, Roy's, a furniture store a few blocks from us, went up in flames.  It was a pretty big blaze.  You could see it from the Loop (several miles away).  Several blocks were closed off, and traffic was diverted.  This would normally not be major area news, except for the fact that it was located right next to the L tracks about two blocks from a pretty big L station that services three train lines.  Train and bus service was interrupted during rush hour, which equates to a disaster for the hundreds of thousands of people who were trying to go north of the Loop to get home.  Jester and I decided to share a cab.  There were no cabs at the usually full cab stand in front of my building, so we walked about another block and lucked into one at a hotel.  Traffic was so bad in our neighborhood because of the fire-related detours that we just got out over a half-mile from our place and walked the rest of the way.  Here are a couple photos, courtesy of Creature.
They were already tearing the rest of the building down today.  I guess we won't be getting the love seat that matches our couch anytime soon.  Our team name last night was One Day Only: Fire Sale at Roy's.  We one of about five with Roy's-related names.

Retro Video of the Week: "Cradle of Love" by Billy Idol

Remember when this was the hottest video on MTV?  Well, I do.  It's still pretty hot.

Thursday, May 24, 2012

2005-2006 Ugliest College Basketball Team in America: Where Are They Now?

Back in November 2005, when this here blog was in its infancy and I had the time to write hilarious posts nearly every day, I made an astute observation:  the Gonzaga men's basketball team was the ugliest team in America.  I know what you're thinking:  "GMYH, what's wrong with you, and what ever happened to those guys?"  I'm pretty sure it's a mild case of lupus, and I will tell you.  "Why now?"  Well, because of the terrifying picture of Adam Morrison (discussed below) that recently surfaced, my friend Ryan suggested this exercise.

Mark Few
Then:  Half-Leprechaun, half-Skeletor head coach
Now:  for some reason, still happy to be the coach of a small Jesuit college in eastern Washington

Adam Morrison
Then:  a cross between serial killer Richard "The Night Stalker" Ramirez and fictional Stillwater guitarist Russell Hammond from Almost Famous
Now:  the new bassist for Far Behind, Belgrade's premier Candlebox tribute band.  Sweet Christ.

Derek Raivio
Then:  a thin Sinead O'Connor look-alike
Now:  a thin Brick from The Middle if he were stoned look-alike

Colin Floyd
Then:  a 42-year-old man who ran a local feed and supply store
Now:  a nearly 50 divorced father of six who runs a local feed and supply store and also stars in Spokane's musical version of Sprockets

Nathan Doudney
Then:  a pumpkin-pie-haircutted freak nicknamed The Duodenum
Now:  a stoic poker player who, despite his dour expression, loves to use the phrase is "Poker?  I don't even know 'er!"

David Pendergraft
Then:  a ginger
Now:  a gingerbread man

Erroll Knight
Then:  a combo guard/forward who moonlighted as a drag queen
Now:  professional hand shaker who seems to have his eyebrows under control, although every day is a struggle

Sean Mallon and Stephen Gentry
Then:  on the run for kidnapping
Now:  after a big mix-up, they were cleared of all charges, and Mallon is now one of Spokane's top Andy Kaufman impersonators, while Gentry wears a suit and tie to prove to everyone that he is, in fact, not a criminal.

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Retro Video of the Week: "She Works Hard for the Money" by Donna Summer

I don't think I've ever seen this video before today.  I had always assumed it was about a hard-working prostitute with an unappreciative pimp, not a single mom who works three jobs and dreams of starting flash mobs.

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

Tuesday Top Ten: Would-Be Trivia Team Names

If this was a time before I had two wonderful children, I would be spending this Tuesday night at Rocks playing bar trivia.  The goal of trivia team names each week is to win the "funniest team name," as chosen by the bar staff, which resulted in a free round of shots and, more importantly, laughs or, more importantly, groans, from fellow trivia players.  The best trivia team names came after someone famous died.  Dark comedy is perfect for people getting drunk on a Tuesday night trying to outsmart other people getting drunk on a Tuesday night.  For instance, after James Brown died, such team names as No Longer Livin' in America and Papa's Got a Brand New Grave not only brought the house down but allowed everyone to cope with the loss of the Godfather of Soul.  With the passing of Donna Summer and Robin Gibb last week, disco lost two of its icons.  Had I been at Rocks tonight instead of writing this post and wiping feces off of other humans, I would have proposed one of the following team names:

1.  Stayin' aliiii -- well, maybe not anymore
2.  I guess now she'll really never have that recipe again
3.  Disco demolition week
4.  Hell turns into disco inferno
5.  Last dance
6.  You're next, Peaches and Herb
7.  Robin Gibb loses battle with night fever
8.  It's fun to stay in H-E-L-L
9.  God:  finishing what Comiskey Park started 
10.  Do a little dance, make a little love, get cancer, die

Monday, May 21, 2012

Midwestern Eavesdropping

Twentysomething male: "When it comes to things in my ass, I'm a man of my word."
--Wood Dale, IL, Top Golf
Eavesdropper: Gregerson

Thursday, May 17, 2012

Midwestern Eavesropping

Thirtysomething teacher after seeing "The Avengers": "That was so unrealistic. That would never happen."
Eavesdropper: The Loose-Lipped Lithuanian

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

Retro Video of the Week: "Thunderstruck" by AC/DC

This past weekend, Jester and I took Daughter to her first White Sox game, which she loved despite the rain delay.  Before the Sox take the field at every home game, "Thunderstruck" is played at Comiskey.  Daughter loves "Thunderstruck" -- it was the first song she learned after "Make 'Em Say Ugh" by Master P -- so she was incredulously excited when it started to play at the stadium.  Laughing, clapping, and "ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-aah-ah" ensued.  The the Sox got killed by the Royals.

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

Tuesday Top Ten: Wheat Beers

As the weather gets warmer, you want –- no, need –- a nice refreshing beer to drink.  That's where wheat beers come into the picture.  In my opinion, wheat beer is the perfect summer beer. 

Wheat beers, as the name implies, combine malted wheat with the usual malted barley.  Many of them are unfiltered, which gives them that cloudy appearance.  They are generally not very hoppy at all (which I like), and they are usually higher in carbonation, which gives them that thick head.  Often they have some spice or fruit flavors and/or aromas.  Some people like to squeeze a slice of lemon or orange into their wheat beer.  I do not.

If you see a beer with any of the following names, it's a wheat beer:
-Wheat beer, wheat ale, weiss, weissbier, weiß, weißbier, weizen, or hefeweizen (unfiltered)
-Kristallweizen (filtered)
-Witbier, witte, white ale, or beire blanche (Belgian-style wheat beer)
-Dunkelweizen (dark wheat beer)

With that, here are my top ten wheat beers.  Last year, I posted my Top Ten Summer Beers, and this list will overlap somewhat with that.  I think you need to come to grips with the fact that I like to drink beer in all seasons.

Honorable mention:  Two Brothers Ebel's Weiss; Summit Hefe Weizen; Wittekerke witbier; Gordon Biersch Dunkelweizen; Bell's Winter White; Ommegang Witte; New Belgium Mothership Wit

10 (tie).  Erdinger Weissbier
This is a great beer to drink when you are watching Indiana make a surprising run to the NCAA championship game.  The trick is that you must drink exactly three before halftime and exactly three after halftime.  And no matter how much she begs, don't let your roommate's girlfriend have a bite of your Pasta-Roni, for that will spell certain defeat for the Hoosiers at the hands of Maryland.  I can't stress that last part enough.

10 (tie). Goose Island 312
Goose Island describes 312 as an "urban wheat," which means that it wears skinny jeans and listens to bands you've never heard of.  It's not as heavy as a lot of wheat beers, and it's a great cookout beer. Now that Anheuser-Busch InBev bought Goose Island, 312 (which, for those who don't know, is Chicago's main area code) is no longer made in Chicago, which is strange.  Apparently it was moved out of state so that they could increase the volume.

9.  Allagash White
Allagash Brewing Company in Portland, Maine is probably best known for their Allagash White, which is a witbier.  It's refreshing and a little spicy, and quite good.

8. Hoegaarden Witbier
Germans aren't the only ones who can make a good wheat beer. Belgians can too. Hoegaarden, which I refuse to pronounce correctly because "ho garden" is funnier than "who garden," is a delicious, unfiltered, spicy wheat beer.

7.  Piece Dark 'n' Curvy
In addition to great pizza, Piece Brewery and Pizza here in Chicago makes some fantastic beer.  Unfortunately, you can only get it in the restaurant.  The Dark 'n' Curvy is my go-to beer when I'm there.  It's an award-winning dunkelweiss, and it's awesome.  (Piece's Top Heavy Hefeweizen is also really good.)

6.  Upland Wheat
Upland Brewing Company is located in beautiful Bloomington, Indiana, not far from IU's campus.  They brew great beers that are, unfortunately, not available in Illinois.  Probably their signature beer is their Wheat Ale, which is spicy and refreshing.  I definitely try to grab a few sixers whenever I go back to Bloomington (or when I'm anywhere in Indiana, for that matter).

3 (tie). Hacker-Pschorr Weisse, Paulaner Hefe-Weissbier, and Franziskaner Hefe-Weisse
The Germans do good things with beer, and particularly with weissbier, since they invented it and all. Hacker-Pschorr, Paulaner, and Franziskaner make three of my favorite regular weisses.  It's not fair to try to pit them against each other, so they tie.  All three are easy to drink, and generally remind me of drinking outdoors in Munich.  In fact, I just picked up a case of Paulaner at Costco the other day and am drinking one as I write this sentence.  Yes, I can drink and type at the same time.

2. Franziskaner Weissbier Dunkel
It was a tough call between this and Oberon for my #1.  I can and do drink this dark weiss year round. It is particularly enjoyable at the Englischer Garten in Munich (or any biergarten in Munich for that matter), but if you're one of those pansies who hates to fly, then just go to Binny's and drink it in the privacy of your secure, locked, xenophobic home.

1. Bell's Oberon
This is a delicious and refreshing unfiltered wheat ale made by Bell's each spring/summer.  It's always a happy day every spring when I go into a bar and see that orange sphere on top of a Bell's tap, indicating that Oberon is back for the year.  Likewise, it's a sad day in September or October when that orange sphere is put in storage for the fall and winter.

Any other recommendations?

Sunday, May 13, 2012

CD Challenge: Six of One, Half Dozen of the Other

Before attending a fantastic Kaiser Chiefs concert last month, my good friend Bonham and I were talking about the usual stuff –- the plusses and minuses of shitting in the bathtub, movies about Indian leg wrestling, how many hose lashes are too many when disciplining a pet monkey (there is no correct answer, apparently) –- when he told me about this thing that occurs at his apparently audiophilic office every so often.  It's called the CD Challenge.  Each challenge has a certain set of rules or a theme, and everyone in the office has a few weeks to make a mix CD with 12 songs to share with the office, the goal being to expose everyone to new and different music.

I thought this was awesome, so he kindly forwarded me the rules for the latest challenge so that I could turn it into a blog post.  Obviously, this is something that can only be done with a relatively small group of people, but it would be sweet if this kind of thing happened in more offices.  Hopefully Bonham will continue to send me these challenges.  If he does, I will post my picks.  With that, here are the rules for this challenge:

"The theme for the challenge is: '6 of one, half a dozen of the other' in other words, 6 songs from among your top 12 artists and 6 songs from new artists (or songs you suspect are new to the group)
Minitheme: Dark/Anger
As in other challenges, buried treasures and bonus tracks are welcome"

For the first part, trying to name my 12 favorite artists was a challenge in and of itself.  For sure, the following 9 artists are in the top 12:  The Beatles, Def Leppard, The White Stripes, Guns N' Roses, Thin Lizzy, Otis Redding, Jimi Hendrix, The Doors, and Led Zeppelin.  The remaining 3 were a tougher call, since I have a ton of groups that I like about the same that all could be one of those three (Mötley Crüe, Sam Cooke, The Rolling Stones, Kiss, Weezer, Black Sabbath, Queen, Iron Maiden, Van Halen, Bruce Springsteen), so I will just keep my list to those top 9.  Since the goal is buried treasures, I am going to go with songs that I don't think would be played on the radio (or at least played very infrequently).  I did my best to comply with the "dark/anger" minitheme. 

Here they are, in alphabetical order by artist.  For the songs I could find (in both categories), I provided a link.

This is my favorite Beatles song, and it's definitely a buried treasure (or as much of a buried treasure as a Beatles song can be).  I've already written about it, so I'll just repeat what I've already said.  I don't know what it is about this song, but I've loved it since the first time I heard it. Junior and senior year of college (and in law school), I used to listen to it to psych myself up before flag football games. It's still on my running mix (were I to run). Legend has is John wrote the song after producer George Martin showed him the cover of a gun magazine with the title "Happiness is a warm gun." The song has three distinct parts. It's kind of eerie at the beginning with John singing "She's not a girl who misses much." You expect him to explain why, which he does, but it makes no sense, as the song kicks into this raunchy fuzzed-out guitar chord. The remainder of the lyrics in the first part are fascinating, mostly because they make no sense whatsoever and are apparently the result of an acid trip. Then the song switches to John repeating the phrase "Mother Superior jumped the gun" for 30 seconds or so while someone plays a tambourine. Then the song switches into kind of a neo-doo wop song, where John belts out the only lucid lyrics in the song -- sexually suggestive lyrics that are not actually about putting his finger on your trigger while the rest of the guys sing "bang bang shoot shoot" in the background. All the while, the song switches tempo and time at several points. In the hands of anyone else, what I have just described to you would be a catastrophe. In the hands of The Beatles, however, it is a masterpiece.

1981's phenomenal sophomore effort, High 'N' Dry, is best known for "Bringin' on the Heartbreak" and "High 'N' Dry (Saturday Night)," both of which are great hard rock songs.  But the rest of the album is just as good, and one of my favorites is "You Got Me Runnin'." Like most of the album, it's a hard-hitting, heavy song.  The verses are brooding, about some chick who's trying to pull one over on her man, and the chorus features those classic Def Leppard harmonies.

A lot of people don't realize that The Doors kept on making music after Jim Morrison died.  Well, they did, with mixed results. Keyboardist Ray Manzarek took over the vocals.  "Tightrope Ride," which is off the band's first album after Morrison's death, is probably the best post-Morrison song, and it is one of my favorite Doors songs. The song sounds upbeat, but it's actually about Morrison as a tragic figure (which he was). This line has always stuck out to me: "And we're by your side / But you're all alone / Like a Rolling Stone / Like Brian Jones." Jones, of course, was the Stones' guitarist who was kicked out of the band in 1969, then died a couple months later (and, like Morrison, is a member of The 27 Club). Robbie Krieger has a really nice solo near the end.

This is probably the darkest song on Appetite for Destruction.  Even 25 years later, it still hits you square in the teeth with a hammer every time you listen to it.  That first verse is killer:  "Your daddy works in porno / Now that mommy's not around / She used to love her heroin / But now she's underground /So you stay out late at night / And you do your coke for free / Driving your friends crazy /With your life's insanity."  Can you imagine how eye-opening it was for me as a 10-year-old to hear that?  A dad in porn?  A mom who OD'd on heroin?  Doing cocaine?  Staying up late?!  And then to find out years later that it's about a real person makes it even that much darker.  If you don't know, the song is based on a woman named Michelle Young who used to hang out with the band. Axl originally wrote it as a romantic song, but then decided to be honest about Michelle's life and completely changed the song into the badass song it became.  The link above is from a live show the band did at The Ritz in New York City in 1988.

It's almost impossible to find a Led Zeppelin song that isn't played on classic rock radio, but somehow this one has slipped through the cracks.  This is one of my favorite Zeppelin songs, and should have been on my list of Top Ten "Fuck You" Songs.  If the TV show Cheaters could afford to get a Led Zeppelin song as its theme song, this would be the one.  It starts with some strange church organs.  You're not sure where this is going.  Then it kicks into a nice-sounding acoustic song about some trollop who cheated on her man (with "every guy in town," apparently) and, more importantly, that's man's promise that she will not get away with it.  "You been bad to me woman, but it's comin' back home to you."  Translation:  bitch, your uppance is coming.  I hope it involved a public depantsing, followed by a table-topping, followed by a lot of pointing and laughing.

This is one of my favorite Thin Lizzy songs.  The world Phil Lynott created in his songs was always gritty and blue collar, and this song is a shining example of that.  Blazing guitars complement lyrics about the seedy part of town, where people get jumped, deal drugs, and get killed, and "no one gives a damn."  The original version was even darker, with more blunt references to prostitution and heroin use.

For the "new" artists, Bonham said it's a personal decision as to what you want to consider "new" or what you think is "new to the group."  I will consider a new artist one whose first U.S. album was released in the last five years (on or after January 1, 2007).  I will also consider songs that are maybe a little older than that that are likely "new to the group," even though the group in my case (you, fair readers) is indefinable.

The Answer is a Northern Irish hard rock band, and "Demon Eyes" is the first song off of their 2009 album Everyday Demons, the band's first full-length release in the U.S.  It's a frantic, fast-paced hard rocker with a great driving riff.  If you don't like this song, then you don't like rock and roll and I hate you.

The Gaslight Anthem are one of my favorite new bands.  "The '59 Sound," which is the title track off their 2008 album, is a fantastic rock song, with a huge chorus.  It seems to be about the band playing a gig at the same time a friend died unexpectedly elsewhere.  The opening line posits, "Well, I wonder which song they're gonna play when we go," and the chorus asks the departed what he heard in the hospital bed as he was dying.  "Did you hear your favorite song one last time?"  That's a brutal thought –- the last song you hear before you die.  I hope it's "Heaven" by Warrant or "Fuck the Police" by N.W.A.

This is definitely a "new to the group" selection, since it was released in 1992.  Hardesty was a regional act, mostly performing in college towns in the Midwest.  This is his signature song, and a favorite of anyone who went to IU from the early '90s to the early '00s. It's an unabashedly blunt and angry reaction to a relationship gone wrong. "Whatever happened to me and you / is on page six hundred and seventy two / And that's the end of the book / So fuck you."  It's a great song to sing when you're standing in 20 tons of sand on a Friday afternoon in April, hammered off of a green drink with a secret recipe.  God, I miss college.

If there's anyway to tell a woman you know she's a liar, it's with a horn section and backing singers.  This is another garage soul boogie from Black Joe Lewis & The Honeybears that is simply impossible to hate.

5.  "Lady Ann" by Township
This is another "new to the group" song, since Township technically released their first EP in 2006, which contained this song.  I have touted Township many times on GMYH, and they are one of my favorite bands from the past 5-6 years.  Hopefully they will be playing Chicago again sometime soon, since they put on a fantastic live show.  Anyway, "Lady Ann" isn't really dark or angry, other than the fact that it's about a guy who plays rock and roll to escape from his job in the "salt mines" and to remind him of his dreams from when he was younger.  I particularly like the second verse:  "I'm gonna to write a book, you're gonna read it / It's gonna change your life / I'm gonna write a song there, too / That'll put an end to strife / I'm gonna find me the smartest woman / I'm gonna make her my wife / We're gonna live in a goddamned mansion / And roam the hills at night."  I always picture an insane rich couple running around woods behind their house dressed up like extras in Braveheart, chasing coyotes with nothing more than their bare hands, and then having weird sex after they fail to catch any coyotes.  Unfortunately, I couldn't find a link to the full song anywhere, but I know it's available on iTunes and Rhapsody, so check it out.  Here is a link to the Rhapsody page with a 30-second clip of the song.

This is another great new band.  I saw them last year at Lollapalooza and in March at the Double Door.  They are great live.  This song definitely falls into the dark category.  It's about a dad who is happy to die at the hands of his son's bullet, and then more generally about dying "a brave man's death."  It's pretty hardcore subject matter, but softened a little by the fact that the song is a piano-based soulful rocker with a big chorus.

So, there are my choices.  I'd love to hear yours.

Saturday, May 12, 2012

Midwestern Eavesdropping

Bad tattoo guy at bar: "I know it sounds weird but I'm addicted to Claritin D. I started about 3 months ago and I can't go 2 hours without one."
--San Clemente, CA
Eavesdropper: Tail Pipe

Thirtysomething female: "My anal system isn't working anymore."
Eavesdropper: Tron

Friday, May 11, 2012

Midwestern Eavesdropping

A hipster discussing deer hunting with friends:  "Oh, that's what a 12-pointer means? I thought it was just a hunting score system I knew nothing about."
--Chicago, Brown Line
Eavesdropper:  Jesterio

Thursday, May 10, 2012

Beggin', Beggin'

One of the greatest accomplishments in television history is MTV's Sex in the '90s documentary series.  It was raw, it was truthful, and it was, well, just so damn '90s.  Of course, the breakout stars of the series were the Dog Brothers –- two overly tanned Italian stallions from Jersey who drove a customized van called the Sin Bin, so that they could bang chicks in the parking lot.  If this had happened now, these guys would have their own reality show.  Back in 2009 and 2010, I posted a YouTube clip containing a portion of the episode featuring the Dog Brothers and their hapless opposite, Manny, who still had a Darryl Strawberry poster in his room in his mid 20s.  The partial episode was all that was available.  Until now.  The full episode is on YouTube, broken into three parts.  Thanks to Ryan for the links.  Here are all three parts.  Enjoy.

Wednesday, May 09, 2012

Retro Video of the Week: "Sabotage" by The Beastie Boys

What a classic video.  One of the best group Halloween costumes I've ever seen was back in '09 when some dudes dressed up as the characters from this video.  RIP, Sir Stewart Wallace and Cochese.

Tuesday Top Ten: Favorite Beastie Boys Songs

Sorry for the one-day delay.  I meant to post this yesterday, but my car hit a water buffalo and no one would let me borrow a towel.

With last week's passing of Beastie Boy Adam "MCA" Yauch, Gen X lost one of its musical pioneers.  Yauch was only 47, and he was diagnosed with cancer in 2009, which forced him to miss some tour dates and last month's induction into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.

As I'm sure many Baby Boomers can attest, it's weird when someone who you have listened to for 25 years dies, especially when it's someone who started making records after you were born.  There's an element of figurative possession there, like "I've listened to these guys from the beginning and I have specific memories throughout my formative years relating to their music, so they belong to me."  When George Harrison dies, everyone who has ever listened to music is sad because The Beatles were/are ubiquitous, but I'm sure it's different for someone who listened to The Beatles and Harrison since 1963 than it is for someone born after The Beatles broke up or even someone in our grandparents' generation who might have liked The Beatles.

When I first heard the news of Yauch's death, there was an immediate sadness because the Beastie Boys, arguably the greatest rap group ever (certainly top 3), can never be again.  I'll never be able to see them in concert, and neither will Daughter, Lollipop, or anyone else.  That blows.

I still remember my buddy Adam making a tape of his tape of License to Ill for me in about third grade.  I'm sure it's still buried somewhere at my mom's house.  Not knowing anything about sampling then, I didn't realize that my musical education was not only being expanded further into the rap and hip hop world, but also into the rock world.  I first heard John Bonham's thundering drums from "When the Levee Breaks" (now my favorite Zeppelin song and one of my top ten songs ever) when it was sampled on "Rhymin' & Stealin'."  Artists as diverse as Black Sabbath, The Clash, Kool & The Gang, War, Stevie Wonder, Steve Miller Band, and Kurtis Blow were also sampled on the album, although I had no idea at the time.

Of course, I kept listening to the Beastie Boys.  Granted, I don't have every Beastie Boys album, so don't hold it against me if many of these are from the same albums, but here are my ten favorite Beastie Boys songs, in alphabetical order.

1.  "B-Boy Bouillabaisse" (Paul's Boutique)
This is just your classic twelve-and-a-half-minute, nine-piece hip hop suite.

2.  "B-Boys Makin' With the Freak Freak" (Ill Communication)
This is on the list mainly because it has an audio clip of comedian Mantan Moreland saying, "If it's gonna be that kinda party, I'm gonna stick my dick in the mash potatoes."  For a brief period of time, that clip was the answering machine in my dorm room freshman year.  Then my roommate's grandma called when we weren't there.

3.  "Fight For Your Right" (License to Ill)
I struggled about whether I should include this on the list, since it's obviously a legendary song and an easy choice for anyone.  But then I listened to the song again, and I had to put it on there.  It's a great song with a great message, even if they were trying to be ironic.  Also, it taught me about hypocrisy and the word "porno."

4.  "Hey Fuck You" (To The Five Boroughs)
This has all the makings of a song that I would like:  a fantastic song title, an audio clip from Animal House, references to Regina (the city in Saskatchewan, not Charlemagne's concubine), and it contains a sample with the line "So put a quarter in your ass, 'cause you played yourself."

5.  "Paul Revere" (License to Ill)
One of my greatest failures (and I mean that literally) relates to "Paul Revere."  In fourth grade, the aforementioned friend Adam, another friend Danny, and I concocted a pretty damn good version of "Paul Revere" in our various basements and bedrooms.  Adam was Ad Rock, Danny was Mike D, and I was MCA.  Our performance always involved acting out the lyrics and sometimes involved kicking down a cardboard brick wall.  It was pretty intense.  We decided to take our brilliance to the masses, trying out for our grade school talent show.  The suburban mothers were not quite prepared when three 9- and 10-year-olds started rapping about beer, carrying shotguns, robbing a bar, and implied penetration of a constable's daughter with a whiffleball bat.  Needless to say, these wannabe PMRC moms were all over it, and we were not allowed to perform our cutting-edge show, despite the fact that it was pretty clear to any objective observer that we were mature beyond our years.  Instead, we did a barber shop quartet.  The performance was more subdued and the message more subtle than we would have preferred.

6.  "No Sleep Till Brooklyn" (License to Ill)
This song just never gets old for me.  It's a solid rock rap song.  Lead guitar is played by Slayer's Kerry King, which is pretty cool.  For some reason, when I was a kid and listened to this song, I pictured the three guys really tired and riding the subway towards Brooklyn, but refusing to fall asleep.

7.  "Sabotage" (Ill Communication)
If you went to high school in the mid '90s, this song has to bring back some memories.  Whenever I hear that beginning fuzzed-out bass riff, it takes me back to May and June of my sophomore year, when my friends and I unsuccessfully tried to see The Crow three Fridays in a row.

8.  "So Watcha Want" (Check Ya Head)
You can't go wrong with a funky organ intro, distorted vocals, and another "When the Levee Breaks" sample.

9.  "Sounds of Science" (Paul's Boutique)
This one has a nice sample of the riff from "The End" by The Beatles (and various other Beatles songs, along with Isaac Hayes, James Brown, and Boogie Down Productions).  I especially dig it when the song kicks in at about the 1:38 mark.

10.  "Sure Shot" (Ill Communication)
Is that a dog dying at the beginning?  I've always wondered.  When I was a junior in high school, we had a shortage of running backs, so I got switched from wide receiver to running back, despite my slight frame, hands as soft as chinchilla's ass, and deceptive foot speed.  The starting fullback decided that the running backs' group motto for the season was "We can't, we won't, and we don't stop."  Of course, we started 5-0 before losing our last four games and missing the playoffs, so we could, we would, and we did stop.  Then again, that same fullback admitted he smoked weed before games to lessen the impact of being the oft-used fullback in a triple-option offense, so we were following a false prophet.  Anyway, as for the song, MCA has a nice verse about respecting women, which is a rarity for a rap song.

11.  "Triple Trouble" (To The Five Boroughs)
I can't count, so here's a bonus track.  A nice sample of Sugarhill Gang's "Rapper's Delight" sets the backdrop for and upbeat little ditty.

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Saturday, May 05, 2012

Midwestern Eavesdropping

Drunk guy to drunk girl: "How do you like your eggs in the morning, scrambled or fertilized?"
--Charlotte, NC
Eavesdropper: Yehday

Wednesday, May 02, 2012

Retro Video of the Week: "Run to the Hills" by Iron Maiden

I've been in an Iron Maiden mood lately.  Perhaps I'm excited to see them with Alice Cooper in a couple months.  Perhaps I don't need a fucking reason, so lay off.

Tuesday, May 01, 2012

Tuesday Top Ten: Online Headline Bloopers

I've been extremely busy returning videotapes for the last few days, so I haven't had time to write a Tuesday Top Ten.  Luckily, the people at various websites like,, and have been flooding my inbox with the many articles they think overlap with the subject matter of GMYH.  Most of the time they are wrong, since I don't care and don't blog about the "25 classroom apps that Romanian science teachers are buzzing about."  Apparently my polite email responses indicating that the subject matter of such articles has nothing to do with the subject matter of what I blog about (music, sports, caring for transgender pets, etc.) has only encouraged them to send more of these irrelevant articles and tell their friends to send me irrelevant articles.  So now I have just been deleting the irrelevant emails without so much as a salutatory response.  Egad!  Anywho, about 14% of the emails I get still have something I find interesting (and think you might find interesting).  The good people at sent me a link to their article, "10 Headline Bloopers that Probably Got Someone Fired."  Sometimes people are idiots, and when they are, we should laugh at their mistakes.