Friday, February 27, 2009

Being a Mormon Must Suck

Of course now that I've chosen to give up booze for Jesus for 38 of the next 40 days, Jessie leaves for the weekend to visit Ari in The Nasty. Normally, this freedom would mean a weekend of debauchery: staying out until 5 or 6 in the morning; drinking whiskey in bed; dressing the dog up as a ninja; flirting with Target employees using the name "d'Artagnan" and talking about my three buddies "who are really into swords and fucking. Now where did you say the cereal was?"; mining bauxite; passing gas in public; triple dog daring homeless people to eat quarters for pennies. Sadly, none of these things can be achieved without the courage and wisdom that alcohol brings with it.

I'm going to be lost this weekend. What do sober people do on weekend nights? I know for sure that they don't have sex. Do they crochet while watching Murder She Wrote? Do they not eat burritos? Do they sleep? Is that what they do? I guess I'll try it, well the last one anyway. My goal is to get three nights' worth of sleep in two nights. With that as a pillar of my next two days, it's shaping up to be a horribly tame weekend, since I'll basically be trying to avoid being around alcohol (i.e., fun) the entire time, so as not to tempt myself (which I'm really good at doing).

Tonight I'm going to see a show at Second City tonight that my friend Heather is in (States! The Musical -- it runs through next Friday, so you should see it), but it certainly won't be the same sitting in Donny's Skybox without drinking a Hamm's. For Christ's sake, it's from the land of sky blue waters. Laughing sober is like trying to wipe your ass with two hands at the same time. You think you can do it, but you can't.

Tomorrow I'm going to get a haircut. Actually, I'll get all of them cut, Kevin. And I might get some suits tailored that I've had for two or three years, since I won't be taking a bath in gin, as I normally would do from three to five in the afternoon when Jessie's gone. I'll probably cry a lot, and play the Wii, and make a fort, and watch tickle fetish porn.

Tomorrow night, I'll wander the streets singing German techno pop songs. "Einen Stern der deinen Namen trägt." I'll be wearing a disco yeti costume that I'll have spent most of the day making, using stilts, felt, white leather, a Bedazzler, and Harley's fur (which I will have shaved off). "Hoch am Himmelszelt." It's not going to look very realistic, but I think the singing will overcome any visual deficiencies. "Den schenk ich Dir heut' Nacht." I also have plans to attend a Clue-themed orgy and win Mega Millions.

I should have listened to my dead grandmas' (yes, both grandmas) advice: "Kill yourself now, or else you run the risk of being hate fucked by a peacock." Is it March 14 yet?

Thursday, February 26, 2009


Fellow Sigma class star and funny man "Craps" Haas and his band of NYC-based merrymakers have a website to showcase their comedic talents. Check out MYMK47 here.

Mr. or Mrs. or Ms. or Miss or Master 100,000

As GMYH stumbles closer and closer towards its 100,000th visitor, I'd like to remind you all that the 100,000th visitor will receive a full-on GMYH Biography, just like I used to do in the days of yore, when I had more time on my hands and ambition (and the ability to blog at work). So, if you happen to be visitor number 100,000, take a screen shot (Ctrl + Print Screen) or just take a picture of the screen and email it to me (, and I will whip up a fake biography for all the world to see.

Midwestern Eavesdropping - 2/26/09

Twentysomething female watching Indiana/Purdue basketball game, after shot of Purdue student section: "Usually you have to be addicted to meth to be that ugly."
Eavesdropper: GMYH

Twentysomething special ed teacher: "I got MILKED and FISTED on the same day."
Eavesdropper: The Loose-Lipped Lithuanian

Drunk twentysomething female: "I want to be the Governor of Chicago."
--Chicago, Glascott's, Halsted & Webster
Eavesdropper: AlyK

While discussing a "woman" with huge fake breasts:
Drunk guy #1: "That's definitely a man."
Drunk Guy #2: "Then I would suck the shit out of that guy's tits."
--Ft. Lauderdale, a bar
Eavesdropper: RDC

Drunk female #1: "What did you spill?"
Drunk female #2: "Beer & tequila."
Drunk female #1: "Oh, I think that's called beerquila. Wait, I'm not sure."
--Chicago, Glascott's, Halsted & Webster
Eavesdropper: The Loose-Lipped Lithuanian

Twentysomething Indiana fan during halftime of Indiana/Illinois game, when Indiana was down 17: "If we come back to make this close, I will literally eat my hat."
Eavesdropper: GMYH

Twentysomething teacher: "I like people dodging with my car, especially in the spring. It's like playing Frogger with real people."
Eavesdropper: The Loose-Lipped Lithuanian

Twentysomething female Indiana alum at an IU Alumni Association function, to a couple fellow IU grads: "What've you heard about Brand? Is he dead yet?"
--Chicago, Rocks, 1301 W. Schubert
Eavesdropper: GMYH

Drunk twentysomething female discussing a plastic hammerhead shark hanging from ceiling above a bar: "I'm going to ride it. I will ride with one hand on one fin and one hand on the other fin."
--Chicago, Glascott's, Halsted & Webster
Eavesdropper: The Loose-Lipped Lithuanian

Thanks to everyone who contributed. As always, when you overhear something hilarious, email it to for inclusion in the next Midwestern Eavesdropping.

New Book - I Hate New Music: The Classic Rock Manifesto by Dave Thompson

Well, I finally finished reading Oh the Glory of It All by Sean Wilsey, and I thoroughly enjoyed it. The book is a memoir of his life as the child of two San Francisco socialites, who divorce when he is young, with his dad marrying his mom's former best friend, who turns out to be a evil, maniacal devil woman (at least towards Sean). He chronicles his exploits in dealing with his parents (both eccentric in their own way and neither of whom could be considered models of parenting), being a teenage hooligan, getting kicked out of and/or escaping from various high schools and boarding schools, and eventually meeting his wife and writing his book. There were several times when I was reading it when I thought, "Holy shit, how is going to get out of this one?" I would definitely recommend it.

My new book is I Hate New Music: The Classic Rock Manifesto by Dave Thompson. I bought this at Borders a month ago, based solely on the title. To make things clear, I don't hate new music. I hate shitty music, whether it's new or old. Conversely, I like music that appeals to me, whether it's new or old. I just started this book this morning. It'll be interesting to see whether the author just comes across as a standard, narrow-minded old dude who isn't willing to listen to anything after Zeppelin, or if he can actually provide some insightful analysis.

Books read in 2009:

Updated Big Ten Tournament projected seeds

Here are some updated projected Big Ten Tournament seeds, along with the Big Ten standings, each team's remaining games, who I think will win, and each team's projected final record, followed by a projected Big Ten Tournament bracket:

Michigan St. (12-3): at Illinois (W), at Indiana (W), Purdue (W). Projected record: 15-3
Purdue (10-4): at Michigan (W), Ohio State (W), Northwestern (W), at Michigan State (L). Projected record: 13-5
Illinois (10-5): Minnesota (W), Michigan State (L), at Penn State (L). Projected record: 11-7
Penn St. (8-7): Indiana (W), Illinois (W), at Iowa (L). Projected record: 10-8
Minnesota (8-7): at Illinois (L), Wisconsin (W), Michigan (W). Projected record: 10-8
Wisconsin (8-7): Michigan (W), at Minnesota (L), Indiana (W). Projected record: 10-8
Ohio St. (8-7): at Purdue (L), at Iowa (W), at Northwestern (L). Projected record: 9-9
Michigan (7-8): Purdue (L), at Wisconsin (L), at Minnesota (L). Projected record: 7-11
Northwestern (6-9): Iowa (W), at Purdue (L), Ohio State (W). Projected record: 8-10
Iowa (4-11): at Northwestern (L), Ohio State (L), Penn State (W). Projected record: 5-13
Indiana (1-14): at Penn State (L), Michigan State (L), at Wisconsin (L). Projected record: 1-17.

Projected final regular season standings:
1. Michigan St.: 15-3
2. Purdue: 13-5
3. Illinois: 11-7
4. Minnesota: 10-8 (3-1 vs. PSU and Wisconsin)
5. Wisconsin: 10-8 (2-2 vs. PSU and Minnesota)
6. Penn St.: 10-8 (1-3 vs. Minnesota and Wisconsin
7. Ohio St.: 9-9
9. Northwestern: 8-10
8. Michigan: 7-11
10. Iowa: 5-13
11. Indiana: 1-17

Projected bracket:
8. Northwestern
9. Michigan
Winner plays #1 Michigan State

4. Minnesota
5. Wisconsin

6. Penn State
11. Indiana
Winner plays #3 Illinois

7. Ohio State
10. Iowa
Winner plays #2 Purdue

Wednesday, February 25, 2009


I need a beer so bad right now. What have I done?

Monday, February 23, 2009

Tuesday Top Ten: Mardi Gras Songs

With Mardi Gras (pronounced "mar-dis grass") coming tomorrow, I figured I would give you an early musical Tuesday Top Ten in case you want to have something festive to listen to tomorrow. I chose to combine some early New Orleans rock and R&B with some other non-New Orleans songs that are either about getting rocked, walking on sunshine, or levees breaking. No matter what, you should listen to all of these at least once on Fat Tuesday.

They are in alphabetical order by artist:

10. "The House of the Rising Sun" by The Animals. I chose The Animals' version because Eric Burdon's vocals are so dark and fantastic, they make me want to go back to New Orleans to wear that ball and chain.
9. "When the Saints Go Marching In" by Louis Armstrong. It's not a New Orleans list without this song or Satchmo, so why not both at the same time.
8. "You Never Can Tell" by Chuck Berry. The teenage newlyweds in the song honeymoon in New Orleans, where they were undoubtedly robbed and murdered.
7. "Ain't That a Shame" by Fats Domino. Fats Domino is the quintessential New Orleans rock and roll star. Hence, you get two songs from him.
6. "Walking to New Orleans" by Fats Domino
5. "The Things That I Used to Do" by Guitar Slim. A classic from a New Orleans blues and early R&B legend.
4. "Walking on Sunshine" by Katrina & The Waves
3. "When the Levee Breaks" by Led Zeppelin. Have no place to stay.
2. "Lawdy Miss Clawdy" by Lloyd Price. This 1952 million-selling single was the first hit from New Orleans to be accepted into rock and roll.
1. "Rock You Like a Hurricane" by The Scorpions. You see, in addition to being a devastating natural disaster, the "hurricane" is a famous alcoholic drink available for purchase and consumption in New Orleans. Either way, you're wrecked.

Here is a playlist featuring those songs that were available on

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Big Ten Tournament Projected Seeds

As I try to do every year in the weeks leading up to the Big Ten Tournament, here are the Big Ten standings, with each team's remaining games, with who I think will win, and each team's projected final record, followed by a projected Big Ten Tournament bracket:

Michigan St. (11-3): Iowa (W), at Illinois (W), at Indiana (W), Purdue (W). Projected record: 15-3
Purdue (10-4): at Michigan (W), Ohio State (W), Northwestern (W), at Michigan State (L). Projected record: 13-5
Illinois (10-5): Minnesota (W), Michigan State (L), at Penn State (L). Projected record: 11-7
Penn St. (8-6): at Ohio State (L), Indiana (W), Illinois (W), at Iowa (L). Projected record: 10-8
Minnesota (8-7): at Illinois (L), Wisconsin (W), Michigan (W). Projected record: 10-8
Wisconsin (8-7): Michigan (W), at Minnesota (L), Indiana (W). Projected record: 10-8
Ohio St. (7-7): Penn State (W), at Purdue (L), at Iowa (W), at Northwestern (L). Projected record: 9-9
Michigan (7-8): Purdue (L), at Wisconsin (L), at Minnesota (L). Projected record: 7-11
Northwestern (5-9): at Indiana (L), Iowa (W), at Purdue (L), Ohio State (W). Projected record: 7-11
Iowa (4-10): at Michigan State (L), at Northwestern (L), Ohio State (L), Penn State (W). Projected record: 5-13
Indiana (1-13): Northwestern (W), at Penn State (L), Michigan State (L), at Wisconsin (L). Projected record: 2-16.

Projected final regular season standings:
1. Michigan St.: 15-3
2. Purdue: 13-5
3. Illinois: 11-7
4. Minnesota: 10-8 (3-1 vs. PSU and Wisconsin)
5. Wisconsin: 10-8 (2-2 vs. PSU and Minnesota)
6. Penn St.: 10-8 (1-3 vs. Minnesota and Wisconsin
7. Ohio St.: 9-9
8. Michigan: 7-11 (holds tiebreaker over Northwestern because of 2-0 record vs. Northwestern)
9. Northwestern: 7-11
10. Iowa: 5-13
11. Indiana: 2-16

Projected bracket:
8. Michigan
9. Northwestern
Winner plays #1 Michigan State

4. Minnesota
5. Wisconsin

6. Penn State
11. Indiana
Winner plays #3 Illinois

7. Ohio State
10. Iowa
Winner plays #2 Purdue

Lent 2: The Reckoning

Tomorrow is Mardi Gras, which means that Wednesday is Ash Wednesday, which means that Lent starts Wednesday, which means that I will be giving something up for 40 days to appease the sky deity "God."

I'm sure many of you are curious as to why I even bother giving something up for Lent, since I don't really do anything else Catholic the rest of the year. You're certainly right to be curious. After all, I am generally at odds with the views and rituals of the Catholic Church. For instance, I don't allow people to put ashen crosses on my forehead, I don't go to church, I can't stand repenting, I go out of my way to hurt people, and I am pro-abortion (and I don't mean pro-choice, I mean pro-abortion). Nonetheless, to keep my options open, every year I give something up for Lent. I can't explain it as anything other than Catholic guilt, which, ironically, I am incapable of feeling.

In years past I've given up drinking during the week and fried food. This year, however, I am going one step further. I am giving up drinking all together (except for the Saturday before St. Patrick's Day and the first Friday of March Madness -- I am human after all). Interestingly, I think the two and a half weeks between Ash Wednesday and March 14 will be the longest I've gone without booze since whenever my previous sip of beer or wine was until sometime my sophomore year of high school. My hope is that my waistline and neck fat will decrease noticeably. Also, this should free up enough money to start a pretty sizeable 40-day coke habit.

As in years past, here are some suggestions for you and yours to give up for Lent, in case you haven't decided on something yet:
-Asking non-rhetorical questions
-Answering the question "how's it going" with anything other than "fuck if I know!"
-The will to live
-Making Bible-themed porn (not that "Sermon and The Mount," "The Forty-Second Coming," "Burning Bushes," and "The Four Horsemen of the Anal Apocalypse" weren't amazing)
-Filing frivolous lawsuits and criminal complaints against Freddy Prinze, Jr. for "continuously and repeatedly trying to steal [your] heart"
-Autoerotic asphyxiation
-Using the term "pork" to describe the act of having sex
-Not using the term "queef" at least twice a day
-Keeping chimpanzees as household pets
-Qualifying every answer you give with "but only if rigor mortis has set in"
-Referring to just about everything as "choice"
-Whenever anyone walks into your office, yelling, "Ladies and Gentlemen, Smokey Robinson and The Miracles!"

Saturday, February 21, 2009

Bob Knight & The Purdue Mascot

This is a classic clip from The Bob Knight Show. It's a little grainy, but I think you get the picture. (Thanks to Nick for the link)

Thursday, February 19, 2009

Sweet Names, Part 9: The Best of the Rest

Here is the final installment in the "Sweet Names" series. For more information, click here. These are the rest of the names. Get ready for some bad puns. I didn't make comments on everything because there are hundreds. But first . . .

Potentially the worst name for a woman, ever:

Here's the rest.
-Adaann. I wonder if he likes to eat naan.
-Agueelah. Isn't that a type of lizard?
-Ah. Last name was not Ha.
-Aina. I aina bouta do nothin'.
-Alethe. Her mom must have had a lisp.
-Alexstair. I really like Alex P. Keaton, but I'm also a huge fan of Alistair Crowley.
-Alfredett. Yes, but what did Alfred ett?
-Amora. Yep, that's her.
-Andreaco. Ah yes, Andreaco. They make great aluminum siding.
-Anise. You named your kid anus. Nice work.
-Annalis. No child should have a name that starts with "annal."
-Anselmo. I love word combinations just as much as the next guy, but Ansel and Elmo?
-Arby. Makes a hell of a roast beef sandwich.
-Ariande. Names that rhyme with "aryan" should be avoided.
-Arlillian. No, no, it's IS Lillian.
-Arkles. Weren't they enemies of the Snorks?
-Arveal. Whose veal?
-Ashyia. In the words of Judson, "no one's getting ashy."
-Atta. Last name: Boy.
-Auburn. War Eagle!
-Bambi. I hope her mother died.
-Banikasha. Banish this name.
-Bar. Sometimes you eat him, and sometimes, well, he eats you.
-Bateman. This would only work if his last name is Patrick.
-Baytina. Archnemesis of Peninsulatina.
-Beata. Beat a what?
-Beatriz. I'm sorry, but it's impossible to make Beatrice a cool name, no matter how many Zs you add to it.
-Bedabrata. Isn't that a Ramones song?
-Berkenya. Nice word combo, since obviously the child was conceived in Berkeley and born in Kenya.
-Birdia. No one has every come back from the Island of Birdia without talon marks.
-Birgit. I know this is a somewhat common name, but it just looks like someone's parents were dyslexic.
-Bobberate. Bob bob bob bob bobberate.
-Bogdan. This makes sense only if this guy is a cranberry farmer named Dan.
-Bolanle. I too love the late lead singer of T. Rex, Marc Bolan, as well as Pepe LePue.
-Boss. Last name: Hogg.
-Braquel. A Raquel made of bras?
-Breesheree. Weeeeee!
-Bril. Last Name: O'Pads.
-Broaderick. How broad is Erick?
-Brunette. Yes, but does the carpet match the drapes?
-Canary. Dude, this chick has her own islands. The beauty about her is that you put a sheet over her head and she goes right to sleep.
-Candelaria. Look, I love journeyman pitchers from the '70s and '80s as much as the next guy, but I'm not naming my kid after them. What's next, Tanana, Niekro, Reuss, and Honeycutt?
-Cawonda. You should avoid naming your kids something that encourages other kids to call her (?) a cow or start cawing everytime they hear her (?) name.
-Cenora. Shake shake shake, Cenora. Shake your body down.
-Ceponce. Ceponce run. Ceponce walk. Ceponce fail at life.
-Chancwan. Baby I'm still free. Take a chancwan me.
-Chantanet. My only question, other than "what the fuck?", is whether this is pronounced phonetically ("chant-ah-net") or Frenchly ("Shaunt-ah-nay").
-Chantini. I assume this is like an appletini.
-Charnel. Why would anyone want to do that to Nel?
-Cherish. Look, I'm as big a Kool & The Gang song as the next guy, but come on. I would have gone with Celebration.
-Cherly. Cherly that's a misspelling.
-Chimere. I have a few sweaters made of chimere.
-Chinwe. I've heard of the Foot Fist Way, but not the Chinwe.
-Chitra. Any name that can be pronounced "shit" should be avoided.
-Chitisha. Ditto.
-Chrishun. I chrishun thee Chrishun.
-Churchill. Last name: Downs.
-Clarijja. I bet people try to put her d-down, just because she g-gets around.
-Clarissa. I bet she spends most of the day explaining things -- everything.
-Coladys. I was about to get some Thai food, but then my coladys started acting up.
-Contessa. Bitch needs to put some shoes on.
-Cornell. Probably went to Andrew Bernard for college.
-Countess. Actually, I am all for naming children after aristocratic titles.
-Cranston. I was a fan of the Keating Five as well, but I would have gone with Riegle. That way I could have called him the Riegle Beagle.
-Creacy. That bitch is Creacy!
-Criselida. A what?
-Crishonda. Hmm, I'd like to name my child after Hall of Fame wide receiver Cris Carter, but I also like Hondas. What to do, what to do.
-Curlie. There was also a Moe and Larry on the list, but sadly, no Shemp.
-Dagoberto. I don't care if Berto is Italian or not, that's just not cool.
-Damonica. Names that rhyme with "demonic" should be avoided.
-Danen. I love his or her yogurt. Oh wait . . .
-Darrio. As in hi-ho the?
-Decount. "I am Decount." "De count of what?"
-Delcardo. I am the great Delcardo!
-Demetric. I wonder which system of measurement he uses.
-Demon. Since he is both human and Demon and is probably just like you, he is most likely the only person in the world who can truthfully answer yes to all three questions posed in Danzig's "Am I Demon?"
-Degobe. Yoda!
-Derwin. Nope, I think derlose.
-Devooah. Whooo-ah!
-Dino. I bet he'll be your Romeo.
-Dorcas. Are you serious? You named me Dorcas? Why not just Dorc?
-Dorsell. Interestingly, his (?) last name was not Phin.
-Dror. I bet his siblings' names are Kabnet, Dresir, and Shel-Ving.
-Durwon. Dur won what? I wonder if his younger brother's name is Durtoo.
-Durriyya. I may have mentioned this before, but children with names that sound anything like "diarrhea" generally get made fun of.
-Edonna. Looks like Donna found the internet!
-Elaine. I hope some mop-haired stalker told her that she was his density.
-Ellery. I guess this could just be how someone with a cockney accent pronounces Hillary.
-Elwyn. E-L-W-Y-N, that's Elwyn. Sing it again.
-Fader. I assume his brother's name is Balance.
-Fakher. Hell yeah, dude, fakher! Fakher brains out!
-Fallon. Last name: Down.
-Ferona. My my my my my, whoo!
-Flecy. "How does that jacket feel?" "It's nice and flecy."
-Flossie. "How was your dental hygienist?" "A bit flossie."
-Forrestine. I can't see her (?) for the treesine.
-Forshunda. For sure.
-Fretas. I hope she's a daddy's girl, or should I say a papa's Fretas? Ah-thank you!
-Funmilayo. I guess it's better than Boringmilayo.
-Gaetano. Yes, but how gae is tano?
-Garford. We like animated cats, but we also like animated dogs, particularly big red ones. I've got it!
-Genal. This just sounds dirty.
-Genesis. He seems to have an invisible touch.
-Gerardo. He's probably rich and smooth.
-Geysy. You'll have to excuse him. He ate some chili, so he's just a little geysy tonight.
-Gifty. Dude, I hate hanging out with him because he's always showing us up by giving people things.
-Gila. Fucking monster. On another note, when my brother was in the womb, my mom asked me what I wanted to name my future sibling. Gila was my choice for a boy. It should be noted that I was four when I thought that name was a good idea. My choice for a girl was Pootsie. By the way things are going, I will be surprised if I don't come across a Pootsie before I'm done.
-Gladson. Twin brother of Sadson.
-Gloriastine. Last name: M.
-Godiver. There's so much you can do with this: (1) He makes great chocolate; (2) I love that Dio song "Holy Godiver"; or (3) Godiver go go. Diver be good.
-Goog. Why?
-Ha. Last name was not Ha, although it should be.
-Herby. I bet I can count on one hand the number of times he's been introduced to someone who didn't think "the love bug."
-Hela. You got me feelin' hela good, so let's just keep on dancin'.
-Heron. Why not just go with Egret?
-Hertis. We love renting cars from Hertz and looking at praying mantises, but we just can't figure out how to let the world know through the name of our child.
-Holdon. I'm comin'. But seriously, is there a painful Who's On First-type conversation every time he answers the phone? "Hello, this is Holdon." "Okay." "Hello?" "Hello. Who am I speaking with?" "Holdon." "Okay." "Hello?" "Hello. Why do you keep telling me to hold on?" "My name is Holdon." "Okay." "Hello?"
-Holly. This wouldn't be so bad, except that her (?) last name was Pop.
-Iduvina. Do you du vina?
-Iesha. The girl that I never had. But I'd like to get to know her some day.
-Ikeia. I love going to Ikeia!
-Innie. Brother of Outtie.
-Ioanna. Bullshit, you don't owe Anna anything.
-Iona. Middle name: Gaels.
-Ismael. I would have no idea what to call him.
-Ismary. Is Mary what?
-Ispiridon. Get your new Dell Ispiridon notebook for only $799.99 after rebate.
-Izzetta. Izzetta name?
-Jaize. Dude, I totally jaized all over my pants.
-Jamuel. A lot like Samuel, but he can dunk a basketball.
-January. Oh, awesome, you named me after the worst month of the year. At least now everyone will ask me "was that the month you were born in?"
-Jaweed. "What's that room for?" "Ja put ja weed in there, mon."
-Jearl. Jmy jname jis.
-Joffree. No indication as to whether he (?) is into ballet.
-Johnese. Well, we were hoping you were going to be a boy, so we could name you John. When you came out a girl, we decided that we'd ruin your life.
-Johnise. You too.
-Joie. Is that pronounced "joy," "joey," or "either way, thanks mom for making me have to spell my name every time I say it."
-Justus. I would have preferred the more formal Justthetwoofus.
-Juwonder. Ju wonder what?
-Kahuner. Big.
-Kalli. I know I just broke up with her, but I'm going going back back to Kalli Kalli.
-Keih. Not Keith, but Keih.
-Kem. Just because that's how a Valley girl would pronounce Kim doesn't make it alright.
-Kema. My only hope is that she (?) is a therapist with her own practice, Kema Therapy.
-Kenoricks. Whose place should we go to first, kenoricks?
-Krislie. This steak is a little too krislie for my liking.
-Krzysztof. I included this only because I want Christoff to name his first born son Krzysztof.
-La. According to '60s soul quartet The Delfonics, nine of her name means "I love you."
-Laquinta. I think Comfort Inn would have been better, but that's just me.
-Larcenia. Names with a root word that means theft should be avoided.
-Latina. This would make sense, at least as an ethnic identifier, except for the fact that her last name is more Anglo than Prince Charles.
-Lazar. I assume he has sharks with his frickin' beams on their heads.
-Leecox. Leecox huge!
-Letha. I suppose this could be a Catalonian version of Lisa.
-Levester. Much like Chester and Lester, this name should be avoided for the obvious reason that it rhymes with Hester, and no one wants to be associated with women who have been forced to wear giant scarlet As on their chests.
-Lolita. You would think that this name would have died out, on account of the fact that most people don't want their daughter's name to be immediately associated with getting banged by an older man. I guess the key word in there is "most."
-Loestein. Not to be confused with . . .
-Lougene. Come on down to Lougene's House of Blue Jeans this week to save up to 50% off on all button-flies.
-Louwanzer. Well, if Lou wanzer, then he should ask 'er out.
-Lueree. Dude, his stuff with Velvet Underground was awesome.
-Lyndora. Isn't that the name of Samantha's mom on Bewitched?
-Manue. Man, ue see that?
-Mariola. Not to be confused with Areola.
-Marktwain. If you think that's bad, his brother's first name is Samuellanghorneclemens.
-Maryjane. I just wonder if she's kind.
-Meico. You can save 15% by switching your car insurance to Meico.
-Mentha. Isn't that how someone with a lisp would pronounce a well-known organization for smart people? Obviously her mom was not a member of mentha.
-Merchant. Oddly, his last name wasn't Marines or Ofvenice.
-Miatta. I guess it could be worse. She could be named Del Sol.
-Micahel. I hope that was just a typo. If not, it's one hel of a name. Ah-thank you!
-Michellel. So close
-Michellen. Man.
-Minnette. Before a guy goes on a date with her, I bet he says, "I'll be coming in a minnette."
-Missael. I bet he or she has a great defense system.
-Mor. Brother of Les, unless of course Les is Mor.
-Mylinda. Whose Linda?
-Naman. "Do you want to go to the store?" "Na, man."
-Nanette. No. No.
-Narkisha. Fucking narc.
-Natividad. Last name: Feliviz.
-Necko. Like the wafers?
-Necola. Neeeeee-co-laaaaaaaa.
-Nemesio. This sounds like a dastardly villain. "It is I, Nemesio!"
-Neo. Whoa.
-Newan. I guess it's better than Oldan.
-Nicholua. We like tsars, but we also like chocolate-flavored liqueur.
-Nigary. Talk about your all-time worst prefix for the name Gary.
-Nkrumah. Last name: Nia.
-Noahman. Please listen. You don't know what you're missin'. Noahman, the wooorld is at your command.
-Noe. "Can you tell me you your name?" "Noe." "Bitch."
-Noelia. Her parents must not have been fans of profanity-laden post-game tirades.
-Noemi. Yes, you.
-Nohemi. This woman must really hate Dodge Ram pickups.
-Norcia. Try getting a reservation at Norcia now, you fucking stupid bastard!
-Novadane. What do you call someone from Copenhagen with a numb lip?
-Odeal. Or no odeal?
-Odoric. So your name starts with "odor" and ends with something that can easily be made into "reek." Thanks, mom and dad.
-Oriando. Yes, but what does Orian do?
-Paladin. Apparently mom and dad were big fans of Furman University.
-Parish. Last name: Thethought.
-Payola. Obviously not a friend of Alan Freed.
-Poon. I love Poon.
-Quache. I assume this is some sort of mythical creature of Native American lore.
-Queen. A little presumptuous, aren't we, your majesty?
-Queenester. Ah yes, I believe she reigned right after Queenvictoria.
-Qunna. Why bother with vowels when you can have the beautiful "kuh" sound?
-Rabindra. Why?
-Rekea. I hope she doesn't . . . reek. Ah-thank you!
-Renada. I try to list all good names I know, and then all of sudden I renada good names.
-Rolette. I assume she's Russian.
-Romell. The Desert Fox?
-Roselly. She knows music. I know music. Do you see? She got the power. I got the power, Roselly.
-Saaid. Were this not connected to an extremely Anglo last name, I would've assumed it was a Middle Eastern name and left it alone. "What did you say?" "I saaid . . ."
-Satira. Her last name was not Cal, Cle, or anything else that could make her first name at least sound like something other than a geisha.
-Savon. Isn't that the name of a drug store chain?
-Scolt. Well, we liked Scott, but we also like Colt.
-Shabon. Isn't that what Michael Jackson shouts in "Bad"?
-Shadi. Dude, that chick is Shadi.
-Shahnawaz. Shahna waz unlucky.
-Shakirah. I pray that her hips tell the truth.
-Shalimar. He (?) will be dancing in the sheets.
-Shanel. I assume her siblings are Guchi and Prodda.
-Shaphonya. Yes, but when will sha phon ya?
-Sharhonda. I guess it's better than Shardatsun.
-Sharmon. Names that sound exactly like brands of toilet paper should be avoided.
-Shasta. I didn't know naming kids after third-rate soft drink companies was acceptable. Otherwise I would have expected to see more Likes, Diet Rites, and Bubble Ups on the list.
-Shaterra. Wherea you shit? I shaterra.
-Sherlonda. I hope she isn't known for her tall tales. "Yeah, sher, londa."
-Shivette. I guess this is what happens when your parents like the sound of one of the ugliest cars ever made, but don't want you to be thought of as weak, to they spell it in a manner that suggests they fashion their own sharpened weapons out of otherwise normal, household materials.
-Shormore. The successor to Phar-Mor.
-Sirfield. The brother of Sirstream.
-Sirjive. Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together for the hottest MC in the world, Sirjive!
-Sixta. I really like Blossom's best friend, but I also really like Fanta.
-Soda. Apparently someone did agree with George on Soda. No word on whether his or her brother's name is Seven.
-Sorinel. I used to get motion sickness whenever I rode in a boat, that is until I started taking Sorinel.
-Souphaphone. No, no, it's spelled "sousaphone."
-Spiridon. The lesser-known cousin of the mastodon.
-Stancel. Yes, but what does Stan cel?
-Sunny. I hope he (?) lives in Philadelphia. Always.
-Tangela. Isn't that a tangerine-flavored liqueur?
-Tashaland. Like Dollywood, but not an amusement park.
-Tehrifah. I'd be tehrifah'd of having this as my name.
-Telly. I bet he thinks you can't get STDs when you have sex with virgins (which is true by the way).
-Temptress. This woman better be hot, or else that's a cruel joke.
-Tetteh. You see the size of that tetteh?
-Thanawud. What wud Thana do?
-Thearthur. In case you were confused by some of the Arthur imposters.
-Thelmer Or the Lmer imposters.
-Theottis. Or the Ottis imposters.
-Thersa. Uh, thersa problem with your name.
-Thymmberli. Parsley, sage, rosemary, and who?
-Timothea. Shit, we thought you were going to be a boy.
-Torino. I bet he's gran.
-Trear. I believe this is Spanish for "to bestow a bad name on one's child."
-Trulunda. At least it's better than Falslunda.
-Tuena. Last name: Rockandahardplace.
-Tuesday. I bet he or she was pretty excited when Dominos had their Two Times Tuesday deal a couple years ago. "Lemme Get a Hoo-Ha Two Times Tuesday?!" Hoo-ha.
-Tyieashia. I'm sure they could've fit an o and a u in there somewhere.
-Tylinda. Ty Linda to what?
-Undray. He is essentially what Dray is not.
-Uneda. Uneda better name.
-Urena. This is awful for two reasons. One, it obviously rhymes with urine. Two, how many times a day do you think someone asks her, "Urena bit of a pickle aren't you? Huh? Huh? Get it? Ur-en-a? See what I did there?"
-Wahkuna. Matata.
-Wauna. Wauna hear a terrible name?
-Widley. Last name: Thcott.
-Windom. I do enjoy his hotels.
-Valdonir. If this dude is not a vampire, I don't know what to believe anymore.
-Vantinties. Don't you mean tin van ties? If so, what the fuck are you talking about?
-Voltaire. "It says breakfast anytime. I will have the pancakes in the Age of Enlightenment."
-Voyd. Were his parents trying to be ironic?
-Xhevit. I loved him on Pimp My Ride.
-Ymaria. Y not Maria?
-Yngwie. I didn't realize that there was another Yngwie in the world besides guitar virtuoso Yngwie Malmsteen.
-Yola. Last name: Tengo.
-Young. Last name: Atthart
-Yunnae. This is what it sounds like when a Valley girl with a southern accent says "you know."
-Yuvonne. Yes, I am vonne.
-Zucchini. Seriously, fuck you, mom and dad. And you know what? My brother Squash thinks the same thing.

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Tuesday Top Ten: Dead Rock Stars, Part 3

Following up on last week's Tuesday Top Ten and the one from the week before, this is the final installment in the "Dead Rock Stars" series.

More interesting, in my mind, than which rock stars helped or hurt their legacy by dying early is Greg's second question: Who would have cemented their legacy by an early death?

In some respects, this question is nothing more than mental masturbation because any rock star who dies at the pinnacle of his or her career would have cemented a legacy that is arguably greater than if he or she continues on without achieving the same success. You can always say, based on the great music that an artist made before his or her untimely passing, "If that music was that good, can you imagine what even better music he would have made?" But then if he lives, you get The Spaghetti Incident?.

Before I get started, I will iterate in no uncertain terms that I like nine of the artists listed below very much and am glad they are alive.

Top Ten Living Rock Stars Whose Legacy and/or Rock and Roll in General Could Have Benefitted Greatly If They Had Died Early (in alphabetical order):

10. Brian Wilson. Brian Wilson is generally revered as a musical genius. However, he's also thought by many to be a little out of his mind. After hearing The Beatles' "Strawberry Fields Forever" and then the album Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band, the legend is that he realized he would never be able to make something as good, so he had a nervous breakdown and famously stayed in bed for a while and did a lot of drugs. Had he died after the release of Pet Sounds, I think his legend would have been greater and certainly not tainted with the unfortunate post-Pet Sounds mental issues.
9. Axl Rose. Greg suggested this, and as sad as it is to say, I think Axl Rose is the perfect example of a rock star whose early death would have cemented his legacy. Many (myself included) consider Axl to be one of the greatest frontmen in rock history. Appetite for Destruction, GN'R Lies, and the Use Your Illusion albums are all fantastic albums. Unfortunately, Axl's clashes with fellow band members led to GNR's breakup -- or, I should say, Axl using the GNR name for whatever band he might have been fronting. A post-Use Your Illusion death would have helped his status immensely, and it might have pushed some other former GNR members to form other bands more quickly (read: Velvet Revolver).
8. Courtney Love. It could have been a modern-day Romeo & Juliet. Instead, it has been the life of Courtney Love post-1994.
7. George Michael. I think he would be less of a punch line had he been offed sometime after Faith and before soliciting sex from an undercover male police officer in a public restroom.
6. Jerry Lee Lewis. I'm not saying marrying your 13-year-old cousin is a bad idea, but just make sure you do it after you've died a tragic death, assuming you want to cement yourself as a rock legend without qualification.
5. Michael Jackson. I'm not sure there's a rock star who has gone from as universally loved as he was in the 1980s and early '90s to how universally panned he is now. I guess getting kids drunk and sleeping with them will do that.
4. Bob Dylan. I understand that he has made some Grammy-winning albums in the last decade, but there's not much, but, in my opinion, much of what he has done since his born-again phase of the late '70s has hurt his legacy. And I don't know if you've seen him in concert, but it often takes half a song to figure out what song he is singing. I'm not saying the man is not still a songwriting genius, because that is unquestionable. All I'm saying is that his legend would be even greater had he spontaneously combusted sometime in 1979.
3. Eric Clapton. At one point in 1967, a London graffiti artist declared "Clapton is God." That was true, up until some point in the mid '70s. Then he started to lose his edge. Sure, the Journeyman album in the late '80s was pretty good, his Unplugged album was serviceable (although I don't like the slow version of "Layla" at all), and Me and Mr. Johnson was cute, but for the most part, the music he's made during my lifetime has been subpar compared to what he did before that. And I know it's horrible to say, but had he died in the mid '70s, he wouldn't have married and then cheated on Pattie Boyd Harrison (Layla), thus preventing the birth and death of his son Conor and the writing of "Tears in Heaven."
2. Chuck Berry. Has any aging rock legend faded into obscurity as much as Chuck Berry? This man was the essence of rock and roll between 1955 and 1959, until he went to the slammer for a few years for violating the Mann Act. While he had some additional hits after his release (1964's "No Particular Place to Go" is great, and 1972's "My Ding-a-Ling" is an innuendo-laden classic), he hasn't made any relevant music in 40 years. Had he tragically perished before transporting a woman across state lines for an immoral purpose, I think his legend would be even larger than it is today.
1 (tie). Walter Becker and Donald Fagen. I'm not sure rock and roll -- or the world in general -- could have been benefitted more than if these two self-important SOBs had been brutally raped and murdered (not necessarily in that order) before founding Steely Dan.

I'd love to hear everyone's thoughts on who else should be on this list (or if you think I'm insane -- in relation to my inclusion of certain people on this list, I mean).

Monday, February 16, 2009

Traveler IQ Challenge

This was posted on Mike & Kate's blog a while back, and it's a pretty good game, especially if you're totally into geography, as I assume you are. Anyway, here's the link. Have fun wasting time. I have also put it on my sidebar under the games section.

Thus far, here are my records:
High score: 477,378
Final Level: 11
Traveler IQ: 122

Is Onroo Down for Good?

For the past several years, I have played fantasy college basketball and football on However, for the past week or so, the website has been down. Does anyone out there have any idea if Onroo is down forever?

Sweet Names, Part 8: Telemarketers' Nightmares

Here is the next installment in the "Sweet Names" series. For more information, click here.
These are names that are unpronounceable on first blush (and, for many, of them, second and third blushes). I only wish I had access to tapes of telemarketers' calls to these people, so I could hear some unabashed name butchering:
-Deairicka. Cha cha cha.

Friday, February 13, 2009

Drew P Wins Again

Happy Friday the 13th, you superstitious bastards.

You have probably heard by now that Drew Peterson's next victim -- er, fiancé, -- Christina Raines recently moved out of Peterson's house, but has now moved back in. They have also appeared on the Today Show to show their love for each other (thanks to Hucker for the link).

Here are a couple quotes to chew on:
-Peterson: "It looks like the devil actually won this round." This round? I think the devil has won the previous two rounds as well.

-Raines: "I don't believe he'll hurt anyone. He's nice. He has a good heart, he's very caring and I don't think he'll ever hurt me or anyone else." Of course you don't THINK he'll ever hurt you. No one ever gets into a relationship thinking the other person is going to chop them up and put them into a blue 55-gallon drum. I wonder if she knows how to read.

-Peterson said that he was attracted to Raines because she is "a simple girl." This makes sense, since they are usually easier to trick and/or murder.

-Raines wants a June or July wedding, but wants the wedding "as soon as possible." Of course he does. His nightly bloodlust is spilling over into his days. To murder a fiancé is child's play. To murder a wife is noble. He can wait no longer.

"Bad Boys"

For those of you who have discovered the never-ending joy of Facebook, you may have seen the following note floating around. If not, consider yourself tagged.

For the six of you who have not yet discovered Facebook, it is a social networking site used by people from ages 10 to 493 (fucking vampires). One of its features is called "notes," by which someone can "post" a "note" on their Facebook page, then "tag" his or her "friends," in an effort to get the friends to post the same note on their respective Facebook pages, but with their own answers. It's quite enjoyable.

Anywho, the note below came courtesy of Daniel "The Most Interesting Man in the World" DiTomaso. Since today is Hair Band Friday, it is more than appropriate that I respond using only hair band songs, since I only listen to hair band songs on Fridays. Hence, Hair Band Friday. I also bang a lot of chicks on top of file cabinets, but that's neither here nor there -- that's just a normal Friday in the office.

Here are the pertinent instructions for this "note":
-Put your iTunes (or whatever) on shuffle.
-For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
-Write that song name down. No cheating.

And with that, here are the questions and answers, using the first 21 songs that flowed from my iPod today. Unfortunately, as I have mentioned before, iTunes has taken away my ability to control the randomness of my shuffle. Hence, this is very Mötley Crüe and AC/DC heavy.

"Heaven" - Warrant

"Squealer" - AC/DC

"Alone Again" - Dokken

"Let It Rock" - Bon Jovi

"Don't Turn Away" - Whitesnake

"Signs" - Tesla

"Lack of Communication" - Ratt

"Garden of Eden" - Guns N' Roses

"Over the Mountain" - Ozzy Osbourne

10. WHAT IS 2 + 2?
"Sex Action" - L.A. Guns. Booyah!

"You're In Love" - Ratt

"Highway to Hell" - AC/DC. Can't argue with that.

"Public Enemy #1" - Mötley Crüe. I have always been a James Cagney fan.

"Uncle Tom's Cabin" - Warrant

"House of Pain" - Van Halen

"Stagefright" - Def Leppard. This is very much related to #12.

"Rock and Roll Ain't Noise Pollution" - AC/DC

"Stick to Your Guns" - Mötley Crüe

"Rodeo" - Mötley Crüe

"Kickstart My Heart" - Mötley Crüe

"Bad Boys" - Whitesnake

Feel free to post your own as comments (even if you don't listen to all hair band music on Fridays -- although you really should). I think you'll find this exercise to be quite cathartic.

The only problem is that you really don't get a sense of the man behind Hair Band Friday with only one list. And the other problem is that this is more addictive than shooting coke after doing legal research and then getting a BJ from three chicks at once, all of whose names end in "i." And I have almost 500 hair band songs. Hence, I did it six more times with mixed results. Here are the best answers:

"High 'N' Dry (Saturday Night)" - Def Leppard
"Don't Treat Me Bad" - Firehouse
"One Step Away" - Ratt

"Little Dreamer" - Van Halen
"Pretty Tied Up (The Perils of Rock & Roll Decadence)" - Guns N' Roses
"The Warrior" - Scandal

"Action" - Def Leppard

"Love Bites" - Def Leppard
"Red Hot" - Mötley Crüe. Jock itch.
"Let Me Put My Love Into You" - AC/DC. But to be fair, I feel like that every day.
"To Hell with the Devil" - Stryper. This is especially appropriate, given Drew Peterson's comments today.

"Tease Me Please Me" - The Scorpions
"Move to the City" - Guns N' Roses
"Anything Goes" - Guns N' Roses

"Time for Change" - Mötley Crüe
"City Boy Blues" - Mötley Crüe. I do live in a city, I am a boy, and I like the blues.
"Dance" - Ratt
"Have a Drink On Me" - AC/DC. True!
"Used to Love Her" - Guns N' Roses. Sorry, ladies.

"Stop the World (And Let Me Off)" - Extreme
"Am I Ever Gonna Change" - Extreme. No!
"Givin' the Dog a Bone" - AC/DC. Thanks, guys.
"Living in Sin" - Bon Jovi. Not anymore.
"Night Prowler" - AC/DC. This is true whether you take the song to mean a boy sneaking into a girl's room or to be the inspiration for Richard Ramirez.

"Rest In Peace" - Extreme
"And the Cradle Will Rock" - Van Halen
"Rock 'N' Roll Singer" - AC/DC

"Givin' Yourself Away" - Ratt
"Nothing to Lose" - L.A. Guns
"Merry-Go-Round" - Mötley Crüe
"Ain't No Fun (Waiting Round to Be a Millionaire)" by AC/DC. Every fucking day.
"The Zoo" by The Scorpions. I only live about a mile away.
"Cherokee" - Europe

10. WHAT IS 2 + 2?
"She Goes Down" - Mötley Crüe. Hi-yoohhhhhh!
"Livin' The Life" - Steel Dragon

"You Shook Me All Night Long" - AC/DC. Please assume my "best friend" in this case is Jessie.

"Sinner's Swing!" - Van Halen
"Rocket Queen" - Guns N' Roses
"Give to Live" - Sammy Hagar
"When the Children Cry" - White Lion. I do have an uncanny ability to make children cry.

"Little Lover" - AC/DC
"Danger" - Mötley Crüe

"Knock 'Em Dead, Kid" - Mötley Crüe
"Spanish Fly" - Van Halen (nice)
"I Won't Forget You" - Poison
"Tell the World" - Ratt

"Ain't Talkin' 'Bout Love" - Van Halen
"You're the Only Hell Your Mama Ever Raised" - Warrant
"Afraid" - Mötley Crüe
"Too Late For Love" - Def Leppard

"No One Like You" - The Scorpions. I should be so lucky.
"Girl Gone Bad" - Van Halen. I will be sleeping with one eye open from now on.
"Sure Feels Good to Me" - Warrant
"Gods of War" - Def Leppard

"Rattlesnake Shake" - Mötley Crüe. Hello!
"Decadence Dance" - Extreme. This makes sense, given that my motto is "Dance."

"Billy's Got a Gun" - Def Leppard
"One Foot Out the Door" - Van Halen

"Cherry Pie" - Warrant
"Blind Faith" - Warrant
"I Want Action" - Poison. Perfect.

"Take Me To the Top" - Mötley Crüe. They do.
"You've Got Another Thing Comin'" - Judas Priest. Maybe YOU should sleep with one eye open from now on.
"Nothin' But a Good Time" - Poison. True dat!
"Fallen Angel" - Poison. Most of 'em, anyway.

Thursday, February 12, 2009

Midwestern Eavesdropping - 2/12/09

Fourth grade teacher: "How do you think Brittney Spears got pregnant? Through dancing!"
--Chicago, Cody's, Paulina & Barry
Eavesdropper: The Loose-Lipped Lithuanian

Drunk girl when shown picture of Walter Payton, dead serious: "Yes, Brian Urlacher."
--Chicago, Cody's, Paulina & Barry
Eavesdropper: GMYH

Already very drunk fourth-grade teacher: "You look scared. You know why? Because in 30 minutes, I will be drunk."
--Chicago, Cody's, Paulina & Barry
Eavesdropper: The Loose-Lipped Lithuanian

Spunky middle-aged secretary on the phone with a friend: "And I said to the asshole, 'Of all the people on planes on September 11th, why couldn't you have been flying somewhere?'"
--Chicago, Clark & Wacker
Eavesdropper: Jesterio

Same secretary in same phone conversation, "What is he, racist? Oh . . . yeah, well he's just a Republican. That's their thing."
--Chicago, Clark & Wacker
Eavesdropper: Jesterio

Husband: "Do you know who Cassius Clay was?"
Wife: "Yeah, he beat Muhammad Ali."
--Chicago, Mitch's, Augusta & Leavitt
Eavesdropper: GMYH

Physician's Assistant: "At least you were in New York. It could be worse."
Twentysomething attorney: "True. I could've been sent to Allentown, Pennsylvania, like last time. I was there for a week. It was pretty terrible. Looked bombed out and depleted."

PA: "I went to Intercourse, Pennsylvania one time. It was a choir trip with my church group. That's the only place I've ever been in Pennsylvania. Well, maybe Phila--no. Just Intercourse."
--Chicago, Sheridan & Wellington

Eavesdropper: RobD

Drunk girl: "It's his alter eagle."
--Chicago, Mitch's, Augusta & Leavitt
Eavesdropper: GMYH

Drunk girl, confusing two very different people: "Who's Rick Astley? Is that Cab Calloway?"
--Chicago, Ashland & North in a car
Eavesdropper: GMYH

Husband: "I saw a dog today called a Ridgeback."
Wife: "It has a ridge on its back like a hedgehog?"
--Chicago, somewhere
Eavesdropper: The Loose-Lipped Lithuanian

College-aged girl on crowded rush hour train, loudly: "I get hit in the face ALL the time."
--Chicago, Brown Line train
Eavesdropper: GMYH

Thanks to everyone who contributed. For all who dare read this sentence, when you overhear something hilarious, email it to for inclusion in the next Midwestern Eavesdropping.

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

How Will New York Executives Survive on Only $500K a Year?

I used to support Obama. Then Tradd sent me an article from the New York Times detailing the horrid consequences of Obama's proposal to set $500,000 as the maximum annual pay for banking executives whose firms accept government bailout money. The article will literally rip your heart from your chest. Our cruel, cruel President wants to take everything from these executives who have done nothing but bring subprime mortgages and faulty investments to our country. I mean, after taxes, these soon-to-be-poor people will take home only $293,000 a year. Oh the humanity! How can ANYONE be expected to live in New York on only $293,000? These people might be forced to sell their summer homes in the Hamptons. Or give up their $75,000-a-year private driver, $15,000 dresses, and $32,000-a-year-per-child private school tuition. Or not spend every single penny they make every year. What to do?!

I, for one, am sick to my stomach over this. I just feel so bad for these people. Someone really should set up a fund to help these people out, or at least inform them of the existence of savings accounts. Sadly, for most of these underprivileged men and women, it's too late.

If none of this has convinced you that these people deserve our sympathy, maybe this passage about heartache for the whole family will change your mind: "Barbara Corcoran, a real estate executive, said that most well-to-do families take at least two vacations a year, a winter trip to the sun and a spring trip to the ski slopes. Total minimum cost: $16,000." As Christoff so eloquently put it, "FUCK. YOU."

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Tuesday Top Ten: Dead Rock Stars, Part 2

Following up on last week's Tuesday Top Ten (Top Ten Dead Musicians Whose Death Most Helped Their Legacy and/or Rock and Roll), as promised, this week will feature those musicians whose death most hurt either their legacy and/or rock and roll. For the guidelines, click on the link in the previous sentence.

Top Ten Dead Musicians Whose Death Most Hurt Their Legacy and/or Rock and Roll (in chronological order):
10. Buddy Holly (Feb. 3, 1959, plane crash, 22). He was the first major rock and roller to write nearly all of his own songs. His death started a four-year low period for rock and roll, marred by bubble gum pop and uninspired, cheesy crap that bridged the gap until The Beatles. Had Buddy Holly not died, perhaps he could have saved us from the likes of the Bobbies (Bobby Vinton, Bobby Vee, Bobby Rydell, Bobby Curtola, etc.), Neil Sedaka, and Paul Anka, and expanded his repertoire during the sixties.
9. Ritchie Valens (Feb. 3, 1959, plane crash, 17). He was only 17 when he died, and he had already reworked "La Bamba" from a Mexican folk song into what is now a rock and roll standard, and he had written and performed "Donna," which reached #2 on the charts. I have to think he had a lot more ahead of him. We all know him now because of the date on which he died and a Lou Diamond Phillips movie, but I think he would have been known more for his music than his death had he lived, not to mention the even bigger influence he could have had on potential Latino rockers.
8. Otis Redding (Dec. 10, 1967, plane crash, 26). Otis Redding was just beginning to break into the realm of superstardom when he died. He had played the Monterrey Pop Festival in the summer of '67, which helped broaden his appeal, and his only No. 1 hit, "(Sittin' On) The Dock of the Bay," was recorded only three days before his death and released posthumously. As talented a singer and songwriter as he was, his death left a hole in soul music, and I think he would have continued to make great music had he not died.
7. Mama Cass Elliot (July 29, 1974, heart attack, 32). The only reason I say that her death hurt her legacy is because of the speculation that she died while choking on a ham sandwich. She did not.
6. Duane Allman (Oct. 29, 1971, motorcycle crash, 24). Duane Allman is remembered as a great guitarist, as he should be, but I cringe when I think of how much better the Allman Brothers Band could have been with him than without him. And the possibility of him teaming up again with Clapton (Allman was in Derek & The Dominos, most memorably playing the soaring slide guitar during the coda in "Layla") is an unfortunate "what if."
5. Ronnie Van Zant (Oct. 20, 1977, plane crash, 29). Nine days before I was born, Southern Rock, for all intents and purposes, died along with Ronnie Van Zant, Steve Gaines, and Cassie Gaines in a swampy forest outside Gillsburg, Mississippi. Van Zant's death didn't hurt his personal legacy (although it should serve as a reminder that no one should outwardly wish to "live fast, die young, and leave a good-looking corpse," as Van Zant is alleged to have once said). Rather, it killed the greatest force in Southern Rock. In my view, Lynyrd Skynyrd had a lot of good rock and roll left in them, and, unfortunately, .38 Special and Molly Hatchet just couldn't quite carry the torch.
4. John Bonham (Sept. 25, 1980, 40 shots of vodka, 32). Not only did he hurt his own legacy by failing to survive a paltry 40 shots of vodka, but, in dying, he also killed Led Zeppelin. That's not cool.
3. Steve Clark (Jan. 8, 1991, antidepressant, painkiller, and alcohol overdose, 30). A tragic figure in Def Leppard's spotted history, Clark was a driving force behind the band's music and lyrics, co-writing nearly every song on the band's first five albums (although he died before the fifth album, 1992's Adrenalize, was recorded). As Greg said, who knows what would have happened with Def Leppard had Clark not died in 1991? I'd like to think they would have maintained their perch in spite of grunge, perhaps moving back to a harder NWOBH sound. This is not to take anything away from Vivian Campbell (who joined Def Leppard after Clark's death), but Clark was a special talent who had a huge role in Def Leppard's rise to success. It should also be noted that once Steve Clark was found passed out with a .59 BAC. He lived. John Bonham died with a .41. That has nothing to do with hurting his legacy or rock and roll. It's just totally badass.
2. Eric "Eazy-E" Wright (Mar. 26, 1995, complications related to AIDS, 31). By the time Eazy-E died, his former N.W.A. band mates had publicly trashed him (e.g., Dr. Dre's "Fuck Wit Dre Day" and Ice Cube's "No Vaseline"), and his "Gimme That Nutt" attitude came back to bite him in the ass (or, more appropriately, the T cells). While he had made amends with Dre and Ice Cube before his death, he is essentially remembered as a pariah.
1. Brad Nowell (May 25, 1996, heroin overdose, 28). Talk about bad timing. Nowell died just two months before Sublime's first major-label album was released in 1996. That eponymous album went 5x Platinum within three years. I think his songs had enough of a broad appeal that Sublime would have been around for a long time to come. Instead, his former band members went on to form the Long Beach Dub Allstars. Who? Exactly.

Monday, February 09, 2009

Sweet Names, Part 7: Ninjas and The Like

Here is the next installment in the "Sweet Names" series. For more information, click here. These are names of people who may be (and should only be) ninjas or samurai warriors:
-Asare. Asare about what?
-Ninfa. I assume they meant for that f to be a j.

Sunday, February 08, 2009

Shit I Hate: Your Dog's Shit

Now that much of the snow has melted here in Chicago, people are out and about, enjoying the relatively warm weather and doing their best to avoid the piles and piles of dog feces that pepper the sidewalks and parkways.

You see, a lot of dog owners are morons. When there is snow on the ground, some people apparently think that they don't have to pick up their dog's shit, as if snow magically makes dog shit disappear, rather than preserve it magnificently until the temperature gets above freezing. Either that, or they are just assholes. However, this isn't a problem in the spring, summer, and fall, so I assume these people are simply idiots.

So now, you have to watch every step you take when you're walking on the sidewalk. And God help you if you try to cross a parkway -- they're like mine fields of soggy dung. It's absolutely disgusting.

Look, I have a dog. I know that she poops. And I know that she poops outside. Thus, whenever I take my dog outside, I bring what we dog owners refer to as "poo bags." With those "poo bags," I pick up my dog's shit, and then I throw the "poo bag" full of my dog's shit into the nearest waste receptacle. It's quite simple. If I can do it, you can do it. Get your fucking act together and act like a responsible human being. In the meantime, thanks to people who don't understand the properties of refrigeration, I will be dancing my way around Lincoln Park's sidewalks.

Friday, February 06, 2009

Sweet Names, Part 6: Missing Letters and Uncommon Spellings

Here is the next installment in the "Sweet Names" series. For more information, click here. Because I love you all very much, I am putting two lists in today's post.

The following names appear to be missing a letter:

And these names are spelled in such an uncommon manner that the person will have to spell his or her name every single time he or she says it:
-Mablean. I assume she can't be true.

Thursday, February 05, 2009

Make That 4,001 Holes in Blackburn, Lancashire

So you meet this chick in a bar. She's pretty cute. You're both hammered and kind of into each other. Her name is Dominique, and you keep saying it to yourself -- "Dominique. Dominique. Dominique." -- because you like the way it sounds. So you half-sing to her, "Dear Dominique, you have a bold imagination," but she doesn't get it because she has no idea who Louis XIV are, and she thinks you're just being nice to her, even though she can't understand why you'd half-sing a compliment to her about her imagination. You shrug it off and keep talking to her, and you think to yourself, "I you haven't had a good shag in a while," so you take a chance. "Let's go back to you're place and shag," you say, too drunk to realize that you said "you're" when you meant to say "your," but not too drunk that you can't process the prospect of having to go back to your place alone, again, and jacking off to MILF Hunter in bed on your laptop, but passing out before you come, again. But she says "yes" or something that passes for "yes," and you say "Dominique," and you take a cab back to her place in Blackburn, making out the whole way there, not caring that it's nearly fifty kilometers from your home in Fleetwood.

So you're at her place, and you're listening to the new Kaiser Chiefs CD while drinking vodka on the rocks, and she comments, playfully, that you're like "a tomato in the rain," and even though it makes no sense, you start dry humping on the couch, and her fucking cat keeps getting on the couch, so you move to the bedroom, where you pop a Valium because you're allergic to cats and you won't be able to sleep without the mixture of vodka and Valium. And you fuck her, and she's a tigress, and she's limber and lenient, and it's magnificent. You pretend your dick is a ray gun, but you don't tell her that. And it takes a while for you to come because of the alcohol and anti-depressants, but Dominique doesn't mind because she, too, hasn't had a good shag in a while. You go to sleep a little sweaty with a smile on your face, as does Dominique, and you're wearing only socks. "Dominique," you say to yourself quietly before you close your eyes.

Five hours and thirty-six minutes later, you wake up. "Dominique. Dominique. Dominique." you think to yourself, as you look over at her, snoring sweetly, contently. And you feel a couple scratches on your shoulder. "Fucking cat," you whisper. And your arm kills, so you look at it. And it's bloody. "Dominique," you say. But she doesn't wake, so you get up and go to the bathroom, and you wipe away the blood with a tissue, and look in the mirror at your arm. "Dominique," it says, undeniably, in capital letters, except for the "q." And you look at your shoulders, and they're covered in bloody slashes and gashes that look like Japanese characters and a little bit like hieroglyphics, or is it cuneiform? "Dominique," you say, quietly, curiously, and frightened. And the word takes on a different meaning. You shuffle to put on your pants and shirt and belt and shoes hastily, but silently, and you sneak out of the apartment, catch a cab back home, and call the police. "Dominique," you say, when they ask who did this to you.

And eight months later, you will tell the paper, "I went to her place for sex, not to be tattooed. I can't believe she did this to me and I hate her." (thanks to Christoff for the link).

Doped Up Kid

Thanks to Christoff for the link.

Sweet Names, Part 5: Chemical Romance

Here is the next installment in the "Sweet Names" series. For more information, click here. The following names were those that I found that I felt could pass for chemicals, minerals, household cleaning solvents, or laminate surfaces:
-Arenthia. Not to be confused with . . .
-Asenath. Not to be confused with . . .
-Beryl. Personally, I would have gone with the more formal Beryllium Aluminium Cyclosilicate.
-Broda. Isn't that how people from New Jersey say "brother"?
-Prosyline. Is there a stronger polymer than prosyline? If so, I haven't found it.
-Raydon. I bet he always wears the number 86. And that he causes cancer.

Wednesday, February 04, 2009

Sweet Names, Part 4: Gods and Monsters

Here is the next installment in the "Sweet Names" series. For more information, click here. These are names that I came across that can -- and should -- be confused for Greek, Roman, or Norse gods/goddesses/emperors/mythical creatures, comic book or Japanese B-movie monsters, super villains, or super heroes:
-Cosmo. This is awesome.
-Gean. Ozzie?
-Geneero. Robert?
-Girtha. Obviously, this monster eats you.
-Melantha. Alternatively, my doctor says melantha.
-Nonato. "The Tornado."
-Pandora. I bet she's got a sweet box. Heh, heh, box.
-Tahirah. I know what you're thinking: Isn't she the Captain of the Royal Guard at the palace of Eternos in Masters of the Universe? Well, you're wrong, because that would be . . .
-Thor. Actually, this might be the most awesome name of all-time.
-Touran. Also a Volkswagen SUV.
-Waldemar. Evil twin of Baldemar?
-Waltemar. Evil cousin of Baldemar and Waldemar?
-Zundra. I will be disappointed if she doesn't look like Grace Jones's character in Conan the Destroyer.

Tuesday, February 03, 2009

Tuesday Top Ten: Dead Rock Stars, Part 1

Today is the 50th anniversary of "The Day the Music Died" -- when a plane carrying rock and rollers Buddy Holly, J.P. "The Big Bopper" Richardson, and Ritchie Valens crashed near Clear Lake, Iowa, killing all three.

Given this unfortunate anniversary, it is finally appropriate for me to respond to an email I got a couple months ago from Greg Weeser*. The email, in its entirety, is as follows (with typos corrected):

"In 'honor' of the release of "Chinese Democracy", I think it's interesting to make two lists....
-Which singers do you most wish hadn't offed themselves (either intentionally or thru OD) the most/least
-Which singers SHOULD have offed themselves to create a bigger legend for themselves.

It's interesting if you give it some thought, and keep history in mind.

For instance, post Cobain's buckshot-mouthwash, nothing much came from grunge. One might argue this was in fact brought on by this suicide, but the era was bound to die anyway. However, his contemporaries Vedder and Cornell soon began a slow ride into irrelevance and commercial malaise. Whereas the one lasting success from that era is 'Phoenix' Nirvana ....the Foo Fighters. They've had huge commercial success over a lasting period of years (and are well respected by fans and critics too) - but it's the kind of music that Cobain never would have been a part of. So as harsh as it seems, the world of music is in fact *better off* with Kurt taking a dirt nap. We're minus one extra failed grunge act, and plus one giant rock act.

On the other and, young Bill Bailey from Indiana should have CERTAINLY offed himself in the early 90s....preferably before recording The Spaghetti Incident. Can you imagine the legendary status that GnR would have achieved if that happened? They'd make the Doors, Nirvana and Buddy Holly look like the 2nd, 3rd and 4th place finishers at the LT Corral's Battle of the Bands. PLUS, Slash & Matt could have got around to starting Velvet Revolver a lot earlier, and maybe we wouldn't have to suffer through Steven Adler's drooling corpse on Celebrity Rehab 2.

It's interesting to think about....Shannon Hoon? Good Riddance. George Michaels? Shoulda been him instead of Freddie.

We might even make the argument that had Steven Clark lived, Def Lep may have retained their credibility and hard edge, and managed to stay respectable in the 90s and 00s like Bon Jovi, Aerosmith and Metallica managed to. Instead, they've been reduced to touring with Journey and Styx.....

Your thoughts, Prof Rock?


I've thought about this for a while now (obviously almost three months), and he asks some pretty legitimate questions -- questions that must be analyzed comprehensively.

I have expanded his original question to include more than just ODs and suicides. My list will include those who died in any manner, drug-related, self-induced, or otherwise. In addition, I include all musicians, rather than just signers. Also, only those musicians who were under 40 when they died are included (this excludes the likes of John Denver, Jerry Garcia, Marvin Gaye, John Lennon, Freddie Mercury, Elvis Presley, Frank Zappa, Joe Strummer, and pretty much all of the Ramones). Finally, I excluded anyone who died in the last four years because it's too early to tell.

Turning this into Tuesday Top Tens, I will have three Top Ten lists over the next three Tuesdays:
1. Dead rock stars whose death most helped their legacy and/or rock and roll in general.
2. Dead rock stars whose death most hurt their potential legacy and/or rock and roll in general.
3. Living rock stars whose legacy and/or rock and roll in general could have benefitted greatly if they had died early.

But before we get into the Top Ten lists, it is important to list the dead musicians I considered in this trifling exercise. Here they are, listed in chronological order by death, with the date of death, cause of death, and age of death in parentheses after, followed by a short description, in case you don't know who these people are:
-Robert Johnson (Aug. 16, 1938, poisoned whiskey, 27). Delta blues legend, known as "The Grandfather of Rock and Roll."
-Buddy Holly (Feb. 3, 1959, plane crash, 22). Leader of Buddy Holly & The Crickets; early rock legend.
-J.P. "The Big Bopper" Richardson (Feb. 3, 1959, plane crash, 28). Early rock star ("Chantilly Lace").
-Ritchie Valens (Feb. 3, 1959, plane crash, 17). Early rock star ("La Bamba," "Donna").
-Eddie Cochran (Apr. 17, 1960, car crash, 21). The inventor of the power chord ("Summertime Blues").
-Patsy Cline (Mar. 5, 1963, plane crash, 30). Early country crossover star ("Crazy," "Walkin' After Midnight")
-Sam Cooke (Dec. 11, 1964, murder, 33). Soul and R&B legend.
-Otis Redding (Dec. 10, 1967, plane crash, 26). Soul and R&B legend.
-Frankie Lymon (Feb. 27, 1968, heroin overdose, 25). Leader of '50s doo-wop group Frankie Lymon & The Teenagers ("Why Do Fools Fall in Love?").
-Brian Jones (July 3, 1969, drowning, 27). Guitarist for the Rolling Stones.
-Jimi Hendrix (Sept. 18, 1970, asphyxiation related to inhalation of barbiturates, 27). The greatest guitarist of all-time.
-Janis Joplin (Oct. 4, 1970, heroin overdose, 27). Late '60s rock singer and Southern Comfort drinker.
-Jim Morrison (July 3, 1971, heroin overdose, 27). Lead singer of The Doors.
-Gene Vincent (Oct. 12, 1971, ruptured stomach ulcer, 36). Rock pioneer ("Be Bop a Lula").
-Ron "Pigpen" McKernan (Mar. 8, 1973, gastrointestinal hemorrhage, 27). Founding member of the Grateful Dead.
-Bobby Darin (Dec. 20, 1973, heart problems, 37). '50s and '60s crooner ("Mack the Knife," "Beyond the Sea")
-Mama Cass Elliot (July 29, 1974, heart attack, 32). Member of The Mamas & The Papas.
-Peter Ham (Aug. 24, 1975, suicide, 27). Guitarist and singer for Badfinger ("No Matter What," "Day After Day"). Ironically, his co-written ballad, "Without You" (as covered by Harry Nilsson), was featured during a suicide scene in the film version of Bret Easton Ellis's Rules of Attraction.
-Duane Allman (Oct. 29, 1971, motorcycle crash, 24). Guitarist for The Allman Brothers Band and Derek & The Dominos.
-Berry Oakley (Nov. 11, 1972, motorcycle crash, 24). Bassist for The Allman Brothers Band (died in motorcycle accident three blocks from where Duane Allman died almost exactly one year before)
-Jim Croce (Sept. 20, 1973, plane crash, 30). Singer-songwriter ("Bad Bad Leroy Brown," "Time in a Bottle")
-Marc Bolan (Sept. 16, 1977, car crash, 29). Lead singer of '70s glam rockers T-Rex ("Bang a Gong")
-Ronnie Van Zant (Oct. 20, 1977, plane crash, 29). Lead singer of Lynyrd Skynyrd.
-Steve Gaines (Oct. 20, 1977, plane crash, 28). Guitarist for Lynyrd Skynyrd.
-Cassie Gaines (Oct. 20, 1977, plane crash, 29). Back-up singer for Lynyrd Skynyrd.
-Keith Moon (Sept. 7, 1978, sedative overdose, 32). Drummer for The Who.
-Sid Vicious (Feb. 2, 1979, heroin overdose, 21). Bassist for The Sex Pistols.
-Minnie Ripperton (July 12, 1979, breast cancer, 31). Soul singer with five-and-a-half octave vocal range ("Loving' You").
-Bon Scott (Feb. 19, 1980, alcohol poisoning, 33). Lead singer of AC/DC.
-John Bonham (Sept. 25, 1980, 40 shots of vodka, 32). Drummer of Led Zeppelin.
-Bob Marley (May 11, 1981, cancer, 36). Reggae god.
-Harry Chapin (July 16, 1981, car crash, 39). Singer-songwriter ("Cat's in the Cradle").
-Randy Rhoads (Mar. 19, 1982, plane crash, 25). Guitarist for Ozzy Osbourne ("Crazy Train").
-Karen Carpenter (Feb. 4, 1983, cardiac arrest from anorexia nervosa, 32). One half (or really, much less than one half) of The Carpenters ("Superstar," "We've Only Just Begun")
-Tom Evans (Nov. 19, 1983, suicide, 36). Guitarist and singer for Badfinger ("No Matter What," "Day After Day"). The other half of the tragic Badfinger suicide duo.
-Dennis Wilson (Dec. 28, 1983, drowning, 39). Drummer for The Beach Boys.
-Nicholas "Razzle" Dingley (Dec. 9, 1984, car crash, 24). Drummer for Hanoi Rocks.
-Phil Lynott (Jan. 4, 1986, heart failure/pneumonia, 36). Lead singer and bassist for Thin Lizzy ("The Boys Are Back in Town," "Jailbreak").
-Cliff Burton (Sept. 27, 1986, bus crash, 24). Bassist for Metallica.
-Andy Gibb (Mar. 10, 1988, heart complications, 30). '70s teen idol ("I Just Want to Be Your Everything"), brother of the Bee Gees.
-Hillel Slovak (June 25, 1988, speedball overdose, 26). Guitarist for Red Hot Chili Peppers.
-Andrew Wood (Mar. 19, 1990, heroin overdose, 24). Lead singer for Seattle grunge rockers Mother Love Bone.
-Stevie Ray Vaughan (Aug. 27, 1990, plane crash, 35). Blues/rock guitarist ("Pride and Joy," "Cold Shot").
-Steve Clark (Jan. 8, 1991, antidepressant, painkiller, and alcohol overdose, 30). Guitarist for Def Leppard.
-Kurt Cobain (Apr. 5, 1994, suicide, 27). Lead singer and guitarist for Nirvana.
-Eric "Eazy-E" Wright (Mar. 26, 1995, complications related to AIDS, 31). Founding member of N.W.A. and solo rapper ("Gimme That Nut").
-Selena (Mar. 31, 1995, murder, 23). Tejana star.
-Shannon Hoon (Oct. 21, 1995, cocaine overdose, 28). Lead singer of Blind Melon ("No Rain").
-Brad Nowell (May 25, 1996, heroin overdose, 28). Lead singer of Sublime.
-Tupac Shakur (Sept. 13, 1996, murder, 25). World-famous rapper.
-Chris "Notorious B.I.G." Wallace (Mar. 9, 1997, murder, 24). World-famous rapper.
-Jeff Buckley (May 29, 1997, drowning, 30). Singer-songwriter ("Hallelujah").
-Michael Hutchence (Nov. 22, 1997, suicide, 37). Lead singer of INXS.
-Christopher "Big Punisher" Rios (Feb. 7, 2000, heart attack, 28). Fat rapper ("Still Not a Player")
-Aaliyah (Aug. 25, 2001, plane crash, 22). Hip hop singer ("If Your Girl Only Knew," "Try Again")
-Layne Staley (Apr. 5, 2002, speedball overdose, 34). Singer for Alice in Chains.
-Lisa "Left Eye" Lopes (Apr. 25, 2002, car crash, 30). One third of female hip hop group TLC.
-Jason "Jam Master Jay" Mizell (Oct. 30, 2002, murder, 37). One third of rap legends Run DMC.
-Elliott Smith (Oct. 21, 2003, suicide, 34). Singer-songwriter ("Miss Misery" and several others on the Good Will Hunting soundtrack)
-Russell "Ol' Dirty Bastard" Jones (Nov. 13, 2004, painkiller and cocaine overdose, 35). Founding member of rap supergroup Wu Tang Clan; also successful solo rapper ("Got Your Money"); probably the most nicknames of all-time, the best of which, in my mind, are Dirt McGirt and Peanut the Kidnapper.

So, the lesson appears to be, if you are thinking about becoming addicted to heroin or riding in a car or plane, you may want to seek a second opinion.

And with that, I give you the Top Ten Dead Musicians Whose Death Most Helped Their Legacy and/or Rock and Roll (in chronological order):
10. Robert Johnson (Aug. 16, 1938, poisoned whiskey, 27). The founding member of the infamous 27 Club, Robert Johnson's death is as shrouded in mystery as his alleged deal with the devil at the crossroads. His death created the pattern for the mystical and tragic rock star deaths that would follow.
9. J.P. "The Big Bopper" Richardson (Feb. 3, 1959, plane crash, 28). He was a one-hit wonder, who happened to die in the most famous plane crash in rock and roll history. Legacy helped.
8. Sid Vicious (Feb. 2, 1979, heroin overdose, 21). A heroin-addicted bass player who OD'd while awaiting trial for the murder of his girlfriend. Does it get more punk than that?
7. Minnie Ripperton (July 12, 1979, breast cancer, 31). Nevermind her five-and-a-half octave vocal range (as exemplified on her ear-piercing 1975 hit, "Loving' You"), Ripperton has left behind a legacy as a breast cancer crusader, which, of course, is an unfortunate side effect of having (and dying from) breast cancer.
6. Bob Marley (May 11, 1981, cancer, 36). As it is, Bob Marley is up there with Bob Dylan, The Beatles, and Elvis as the most recognizable and influential musicians on the planet (or in the afterlife). He brought reggae to the rest of the world and wrote and performed inspired music that is universally loved. However, his was also (obviously) a big pot head, as well as a philanderer. Who knows what would have caught up with him? Regardless, his legend is cemented.
5. Dennis Wilson (Dec. 28, 1983, drowning, 39). As sad as it is to say about one of the Beach Boys, he is probably better remembered dead than alive, since he is "the Beach Boy who drowned."
4. Nicholas "Razzle" Dingley (Dec. 9, 1984, car crash, 24). If he hadn't been tragically killed as a result of Vince Neil's drunken driving, unfortunately I don't think many people who know that the drummer of Hanoi Rocks was named Razzle. Better yet, Razzle's death and Neil's resulting jail time were two of the events that helped lead to a period of sobriety for Motley Crue, which culminated with arguably their best album, 1989's Dr. Feelgood.
3. Andrew Wood (Mar. 19, 1990, heroin overdose, 24). Because of his death, Soundgarden front man (and former Wood roommate) Chris Cornell founded the grunge combo group Temple of the Dog with members of Soundgarden and members of Wood's former group, Mother Love Bone. They recorded one album as a tribute to Wood, and then they went their separate ways. Cornell and Matt Cameron went back to Soundgarden, and the former Mother Love Bone members decided to start calling themselves Pearl Jam. Enough said.
2. Kurt Cobain (Apr. 5, 1994, suicide, 27). The most recent (and hopefully final) member of the 27 Club, sad as it is to say, helped his legacy immeasurably by sticking a shotgun in his mouth. He is now remembered as a voice of Gen X. As Greg pointed out, his death signaled the end of grunge, with Pearl Jam moving onto more mainstream rock and roll, Soundgarden going by the wayside, and, out of the ashes, the creation of Foo Fighters, which is arguably the best and most consistent hard rock band of the past 10-15 years. Meanwhile, Cobain is hailed as a rock deity.
1. Jeff Buckley (May 29, 1997, drowning, 30). Jeff Buckley's sole studio album, 1994's Grace, is generally considered a masterpiece by critics and musicians. Grace was ranked #303 of the 500 Greatest Albums by Rolling Stone, his cover of Leonard Cohen's "Hallelujah" was ranked #259 of the 500 Greatest Songs by Rolling Stone magazine in 2004, and he was ranked #39 in Rolling Stone's list of The 100 Greatest Singers of All Time. Frankly, I'm not sure he could have made his legacy any better.

Sweet Names, Part 3: More Skin Conditions and/or Prescription Drugs

Here is the next installment in the "Sweet Names" series. For more information, click here. Anywho, these are the names that I came across that sounded like skin conditions or prescription drugs. I am seriously baffled that there are mothers and fathers out there who would name their kids some of these.
-Allegra. I used to joke with my friends that I wanted to name my daughter Allegra. Looks like someone beat me to the punch. Luckily, I did not come across anyone named Propecia, so that's still an option.
-Lesia. Is that the plural of lesion?
-Luvenia. Not to be confused with . . .
-Malena. Not to be confused with . . .

Monday, February 02, 2009

Sweet Names, Part 2: Geography

I told you there'd be more, and what better way to celebrate the recent birth of Bristol Palin's son -- who is named after the last name of a large she-male who taped conversations with Monica Lewinsky -- than with some more "unique" names.

The funny thing is that all this talk of odd names has begun to have an effect on my subconscious. The other night I had a dream that Jessie gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. For one reason or another (probably booze), I was not in the delivery room, which left Jessie to her own devices as far as naming our child. The name she chose? Eachvoldt Harybel (pronounced "eek-volt har-ih-bell"). Needless to say, when I found this out, I was going insane, since we've always agreed that Eachvoldt would be the name of our third-born daughter, not our first-born.

Frankly, Eachvoldt doesn't sound half bad, given some of the many other names I have uncovered. I have come across even more unpronounceables, more skin conditions (and/or prescription drugs), names that are (or are close to) countries or states, more ninjas or samurais, names that appear to be missing their first letter, names that could be gods/goddesses or super heroes/super villains, and a category of names that sound like chemicals, minerals, household cleaning solvents, or laminate surfaces. And just to remind you, I left out the names that appeared to be ethnic or foreign (based on the last name). All of these people had what appeared to be regular last names.

However, because there are hundreds of names, I'll just be posting various categories of names one at a time, so as to both prevent you from having to take 40 minutes to read one post and to give you something to look forward to every day besides two hours of Saved By The Bell in the morning on TBS. Enjoy.

The first category is a list of names that are countries, states, cities, or other geographic places (or close enough) (and yes, I realize some of these are relatively common):
-Tanada. Blame her.

Shit I Hate: People Who Sit in the Buffer Stall

This is not 'Nam. There are rules. For example, when there is one person in the far left of three stalls, but no one in the far right stall, under no circumstances should you enter the second stall, unless it's to pull a hilarious Karate Kid style prank on the guy in the left stall. In every other circumstance, you should enter the far right stall. And frankly, if there is someone in both the far right and left stalls, then you should choose a different bathroom or hold it until the situation resolves itself. That's what I do. Hell, I did it today. Walked in and walked right back out, because I sure as shit (pun intended) don't want to sit in the buffer stall and then have the guys in the other two stalls finish their business, leaving me as the asshole (pun intended) sitting in the second stall making life uncomfortable for anyone else that might walk in.