Retro Video of the Week: "Beat It" by Michael Jackson

Tomorrow is the 35th anniversary of Michael Jackson's Thriller, the highest-selling album in the history of the world.  I'm not sure there's anything else I need to say.

Undefeated After Week 13

It was another action-packed and upset-heavy weekend of college football, as #1 Alabama fell in the Iron Bowl to #6 Auburn, 26-14, while #2 Miami lost at unranked Pitt in a 24-14 shocker.  That leaves only two undefeated FBS teams:  #4 Wisconsin (who finally makes an appearance in the CFP Top 4) and #14 Central Florida.

In last night's release of the College Football Playoff rankings, there were some major changes, as expected.  Alabama and Miami fell out of the Top 4, to #5 and #7, respectively.  Clemson moves up to #1, Auburn leaped everyone else to get to #2, Oklahoma moved up a spot to #3, and, as mentioned above, undefeated Wisconsin moved up from #5 to #4.  

The crazy thing is that all four of these teams could lose this weekend because they are all playing teams in the Top 11 of the CFP rankings that conceivably all still have a shot at getting into the Playoff with a win.  Clemson plays #7 Miami in the ACC Championship Game in Charlotte, which is a hell of a lot closer to Clemson than Coral Gables, but those Hurricanes are going to be pissed after last weekend.  Auburn plays #6 Georgia in the SEC Championship Game in Atlanta.  Oklahoma plays #11 TCU in the Big XII Championship game in Arlington -- about 18 miles from TCU's campus, and about 175 miles closer to TCU's campus than OU's.  Finally, Wisconsin plays #8 Ohio State in the Big Ten Championship Game in Indianapolis.  Needless to say, it should be a hell of an exciting championship weekend.  Whatever happens, I just hope Alabama doesn't sneak in the back door again without winning the SEC West, like in 2011 when the Crimson Tide went to the BCS championship game despite finishing 2nd in the SEC West.

Here are the top 4 teams in the CFP ranking, along with each team's best win and worst loss, where applicable:

1.  Clemson (11-1)

Best win:  #2 Auburn (9/9; 14-6)

Worst loss:  at Syracuse (10/13; 27-24)

2.  Auburn (10-2)

Best win:  #5 Alabama (11/25; 26-14)

Worst loss:  at #17 LSU (10/16; 27-23)

3.  Oklahoma (11-1)

Best win:  at #8 Ohio State (9/9; 31-16)

Worst loss:  Iowa State (10/7; 38-31)

4.  Wisconsin (12-0)

Best win:  #21 Northwestern (9/30; 33-24)

Worst loss:  N/A

Here is a breakdown of the remaining undefeated teams and each team's remaining games (rankings are CFB Playoff Committee rankings):

#4 Wisconsin 12-0

12/2 – Big Ten championship game (Indianapolis) vs. #6 Ohio State (10-2)

Best win:  #23 Northwestern (9/30; 33-24)

#14 Central Florida 11-0

12/2 – AAC championship game (at UCF) vs. #20 Memphis (10-1)

Best win:  #20 Memphis (9/30; 40-13)

Tuesday Top Ten: Best Current British Rock Drummers

Between gorging myself with food and drink over the last six days, sleeping and sitting on my couch while millions of idiots woke up at 4 a.m. to go shopping on a Friday, and satisfying my ubiquitous acute fecalphilia, I haven't had time to write my own Tuesday Top Ten this week.  However, I came across this article entitled "The 10 best British rock drummers in the world right now," which I thought was a good read.  While I don't know several of the bands, I was happy to see that Rufus Taylor of The Darkness and Ben Thatcher of Royal Blood -- the drummers for two of my favorite current bands -- made the list.  Tally-Ho!

Big Ten Bowl Outlook

This year, I somehow managed to post a weekly look at the Big Ten's bowl chances, so now that we're in the last week of regular season games for the Big Ten, it's now or never.

As we enter Rivalry Week, we know who will be playing in the Big Ten Championship Game on December 2 (Wisconsin and Ohio State), but there is still a lot at stake for most of the Big Ten schools, whether it's bowl eligibility, beating a rival, or just getting a better bowl berth.

This past Saturday, my beloved Hoosiers trounced Rutgers, 41-0, for their first Big Ten shutout since 1993.  The Hoosiers are now 5-6.  Meanwhile, those loathsome Boilermakers upset Iowa at home to get to 5-6.  That means this Saturday's Old Oaken Bucket game in West Lafayette will be for more than just bragging rights.  Whoever wins becomes bowl eligible, and whoever loses will stay home for the holidays.  Meanwhile, Minnesota is also sitting at 5-6, looking to pull a major upset in the battle for Paul Bunyan's Axe with Wisconsin this Saturday.

With their losses last Saturday, Maryland, Nebraska, and Rutgers join Illinois in the ranks of non-bowl-eligible teams.  Nebraska has now lost 5 of its last 6 (and giving up 50+ points in three of those losses), bringing Mike Riley's three-year tenure in Lincoln to an unceremonious end.  The Cornhuskers will miss a bowl for the first time since 2007 (and for the first time since joining the Big Ten in 2011) and for only the third time in the last 47 seasons.  If they lose to Iowa this weekend, they will fall to 4-8, which would be the most losses in a season for Nebraska since 1957.

Here are this past Saturday's results, as well as this coming week's slate of games (rankings are CFP):

Week 12 results:

Indiana 41 Rutgers 0

#5 Wisconsin 24 #24 Michigan 10

#9 Ohio State 52 Illinois 14

#10 Penn State 56 Nebraska 44

#17 Michigan State 17 Maryland 7

#23 Northwestern 39 Minnesota 0

Purdue 24 Iowa 15

Week 13 schedule (times listed are Eastern)

Friday 11/24

Iowa at Nebraska (4 p.m.; FS1)

Saturday 11/25

Indiana at Purdue (12 p.m.; ESPN2)

Ohio State at Michigan (12 p.m.; Fox)

Wisconsin at Minnesota (3:30 p.m.; ABC)

Penn State at Maryland (3:30 p.m.; BTN)

Michigan State at Rutgers (4 p.m.; Fox)

Northwestern at Illinois (4 p.m.; FS1)

Big Ten Bowl Partnerships

Before I delve into my analysis of each Big Ten team's bowl prospects, it makes sense to discuss which bowls are in play.  The Big Ten has partnerships with nearly a dozen bowls, but the selection process can be a bit confusing, as some bowls will only take a Big Ten team in certain years, others won't take a team if that team has played in the bowl within the past few years, and no school can go to the same bowl in consecutive years (not counting the CFP and Rose Bowl).  This is where the Big Ten's bowl determination procedures come into play.

Here is a breakdown of the Big Ten bowl selection hierarchy.  It is important to remember that, for the bowls not involving the champion or CFP rankings, the bowls do not have to choose Big Ten teams by order of finish.  For instance, if a particular bowl has third choice, it is not required to take the third-best Big Ten team.  Anyway, here is my attempt to wade through the muck.

1.  College Football Playoff (Pasadena and New Orleans, 1/1; Atlanta, 1/8)

Obviously, if a Big Ten team finishes the season in the top four of the CFP rankings, it will play in the College Football Playoff.

2.  Cotton Bowl (Dallas, 12/29), Fiesta Bowl (Phoenix, 12/30), or Peach Bowl (Atlanta, 1/1)

If the Big Ten champion does not qualify for the College Football Playoff this year, then it will play in one of these three bowls.  Normally, it would play in the Rose Bowl, but the Rose Bowl is hosting a CFP semifinal game this year.

3.  Orange Bowl (Miami, 12/30) OR Citrus Bowl (Orlando, 1/1)

The Orange Bowl will take the highest-ranked of the Big Ten non-champion teams, SEC teams, or Notre Dame to play an ACC team.  The Big Ten is guaranteed at least three Orange Bowl appearances between the 2014 and 2025 seasons.  Thus far, Michigan (last year) is the only Big Ten team to have played in the Orange Bowl in that span.

If a Big Ten school isn't selected by the Orange Bowl, then the Citrus Bowl gets first choice of the remaining Big Ten teams.  However, five different Big Ten schools must appear in the Citrus Bowl during the six-year agreement, which I think started with the 2014 season. Michigan and Minnesota have appeared in the Citrus Bowl since then.

4.  Outback Bowl (Tampa, 1/1)

Five different Big Ten schools must appear in the Outback Bowl during the six-year agreement, which appears to have started in 2014.  Wisconsin, Northwestern, and Iowa have played in the Outback Bowl since then.

5.  Holiday Bowl (San Diego, 12/28)

Five different Big Ten schools must appear in the Holiday Bowl during the six-year agreement, which started in 2014.  Nebraska, Wisconsin, and Minnesota have played in the Holiday Bowl since then.

6.  Music City Bowl (Nashville, 12/29) OR TaxSlayer Bowl (Jacksonville, 12/30)

The next choice is either the Music City or TaxSlayer Bowl.  During the six-year agreement (which began in 2014), each bowl gets three Big Ten teams, but no Big Ten team can play in each bowl more than once.  Thus far, Nebraska has played in the Music City Bowl, and Iowa and Penn State have played in the TaxSlayer Bowl.

7.  Pinstripe Bowl (Bronx, 12/27)

Six different schools must appear in the Pinstripe Bowl during the six-year agreement, which started in 2014.  Penn State, Indiana, and Northwestern have played in the Pinstripe Bowl since then.

8.  Foster Farms Bowl (Santa Clara, 12/27)

Five different Big Ten schools must appear in the Foster Farms Bowl during the six-year agreement, which started in 2014.  Maryland, Nebraska, and Indiana have played in the Foster Farms Bowl since then.

9.  Quick Lane Bowl (Detroit, 12/26)

There is no limitation on the Quick Lane Bowl, other than the team must be bowl-eligible.  Since the bowl was founded in 2014, Rutgers, Minnesota, and Maryland have played in it.

10.  Heart of Dallas Bowl (Dallas, 12/26)

The Big Ten has an alternating tie-in with the Armed Forces Bowl and Heart of Dallas Bowl.  This year, the Heart of Dallas Bowl is up.  Like the Quick Lane Bowl, there is no limitation, other than bowl eligibility.  Illinois is the only Big Ten team that has played in the Heart of Dallas Bowl since the current agreement went into place in 2014.

Big Ten Bowl Outlook

Let's take a look at the bowl chances of each Big Ten team who is still eligible.  I'll list each team's current record (overall and conference), and then I'll break down each team's (1) remaining game and whether it is a likely win, loss, or toss-up, (2) analysis of the team, (4) how many more games they need to win to become bowl-eligible, where applicable, and (5) for those teams that have clinched a bowl, the realistic best and worst-case bowl scenarios.  For sake of ease, I'm just going to go in alphabetical order.

1.  Indiana

Record:  5-6 (3-5)

Remaining game:  Purdue (11/25) (likely win)

Analysis:  As I mentioned above, IU dominated Rutgers last weekend in Bloomington, setting up a trip to West Lafayette with bowl eligibility on the line.  A win would mean the Hoosiers' third straight bowl game, which they haven't done since 1986-1988.  It would also mean a five-game winning streak for IU over Purdue, which would be the Hoosiers' longest winning streak against the Boilers in their 120-game rivalry.  Purdue is vastly improved this year, but I think the Hoosiers can squeak out a victory in that glorified high school stadium they call Ross-Ade.

Number of wins still needed to become bowl-eligible:  1

2.  Iowa

Record:  6-5 (3-5)

Remaining game:  at Nebraska (11/24) (likely win)

Analysis:  Iowa is hard to figure out.  One week, they are dropping 55 points on Ohio State and then two weeks later, they are scoring only 15 points en route to losing to Purdue at home on Senior Day.  At least they are already bowl eligible.

Best case bowl scenario:  Pinstripe Bowl

Worst case bowl scenario:  Heart of Dallas Bowl

3.  Michigan

Record:  8-3 (5-3)

Remaining game:  Ohio State (11/25) (likely loss)

Analysis:  Another week, another Wolverines QB injured.  With Ohio State coming to Ann Arbor this weekend, it's not great timing for Michigan.  Perhaps, they can rally to pull off an upset, but I wouldn't bank on it.

Best case bowl scenario:  Outback Bowl

Worst case bowl scenario:  Music City Bowl or TaxSlayer Bowl

4.  Michigan State

Record:  8-3 (6-2)

Remaining game:  at Rutgers (11/25) (likely win)

Analysis:  After a down season last year in which Sparty didn't go to a bowl, Michigan State bounced back this year and should win 9 games with only Rutgers left on the slate.

Best case bowl scenario:  Citrus Bowl

Worst case bowl scenario:  Pinstripe Bowl

5.  Minnesota

Record:  5-6 (2-6)

Remaining game:  Wisconsin (11/25) (likely loss)

Probable win total:  5

Analysis:  Barring a major upset on Saturday, it looks like the Gophers' streak of five consecutive bowl games will come to an end.  After starting out 3-0, Minnesota has lost 6 of 8, scoring more than 24 points only twice in the process.  Then again, it is Paul Bunyan's Axe up for grabs on Saturday, so the Gophers may put together an emotional win at home.

Number of wins still needed to become bowl-eligible:  1

6.  Northwestern

Record:  8-3 (6-2)

Remaining game:  at Illinois (11/25) (likely win)

Analysis:  The Wildcats continue to chug along as a formidable Big Ten team, already clinching their eighth bowl of the Pat Fitzgerald era.  Fitzgerald has already taken the Wildcats to more bowls than all other coaches in Northwestern history combined.  With lowly Illinois up next, Northwestern should win 9+ games for the fourth time under Fitzgerald and eighth time in school history.

Best case bowl scenario:  Citrus Bowl

Worst case bowl scenario:  Music City Bowl or TaxSlayer Bowl

7.  Ohio State

Record:  9-2 (7-1)

Remaining game:  at Michigan (11/25) (likely win)

Analysis:  The 2-loss Buckeyes are still trying to sneak in the back door of the College Football Playoff, but they have to beat Michigan in Ann Arbor this Saturday and then Wisconsin in the Big Ten Championship game next Saturday (and some other teams will have to lose).  Most importantly, they can't look past the Wolverines to next weekend -- not that the Ohio State-Michigan game could ever be a trap game.

Best case bowl scenario:  College Football Playoff

Worst case bowl scenario:  Citrus Bowl

8.  Penn State

Record:  9-2 (6-2)

Remaining game:  at Maryland (11/25) (likely win)

Analysis:  The Nittany Lions are looking for their second consecutive 10+-win season, which hasn't happened since 2009-2009.  With Maryland up next, it should be doable.

Best case bowl scenario:  Orange Bowl

Worst case bowl scenario:  Holiday Bowl

9.  Purdue

Record:  5-6 (3-5)

Remaining game:  Indiana (11/25) (likely loss)

Analysis:  Fuck Purdue.

Number of wins still needed to become bowl-eligible:  1

10.  Wisconsin

Record:  11-0 (8-0)

Remaining game:  at Minnesota (11/25) (likely win)

Analysis:  The Badgers are 11-0 for the first time in school history, and only two games stand between them and a CFP berth.  Like Ohio State, Wisconsin can't look past this weekend to the Big Ten Championship game, especially since Minnesota needs a win to become bowl-eligible.

Best case bowl scenario:  College Football Playoff

Worst case bowl scenario:  Citrus Bowl

Hair Band Friday - 11/17/17

1.  "Shame Shame Shame" by Ratt


2.  "Lipstick and Leather" by Y&T


3.  "Dead Horse" by Guns N' Roses


4.  "Unskinny Bop" by Poison


5.  "Silent Lucidity by Queensrÿche


6.  "Bullets To Spare" by Dokken


7.  "Bad Girl" by Trixter


8.  "Addicted to That Rush" by Mr. Big


9.  "Love Song" by Tesla


10.  "Steeler" by Judas Priest

Midwestern Eavesdropping

In a crowded elevator, two middle-aged men discuss one of the men's sons, who plays college lacrosse:
Man #1:  "Do they have a concussion protocol?"
Man #2:  "Yeah, although if you talked to my son on a normal day, you wouldn't be able to tell if he had a concussion or not."
--Chicago, Daley Center, 50 W. Washington
Eavesdropper:  GMYH

Retro Video of the Week: "Never Gonna Give You Up" by Rick Astley

Tomorrow marks the 30th anniversary of the release of British ginger crooner Rick Astley's debut album, Whenever You Need Somebody.  It was a force to be reckoned with in 1987 and 1988, producing four Top 3 hits in the UK -- "Never Gonna Give You Up" (#1), the title track (#3), "When I Fall in Love" (#2), and "Together Forever" (#2) -- as well as three Top 10 hits in the U.S., "Never Gonna Give You Up" and "Together Forever" both hit #1, with "It Would Take a Strong Man" reaching #10.  The album went to #1 on the UK album charts and #10 on the Billboard album charts.

I have to go with "Never Gonna Give You Up," which was famously the subject of "rickrolling" about a decade ago.  You see, kids, people used to pretend to send their friends a link to a video, and then the link would actually take their friends to the video for "Never Gonna Give You Up."  Hilarious.  YouTube even pulled an April Fool's Day prank on April 1, 2008 by making every video on the site "Never Gonna Give You Up."

While most people believe rickrolling began in 2007, I beg to differ.  In the spring of 2000, during my senior year in college, my roommates and I invented rickrolling, or at the very least, we inspired it.  That semester, my roommates and I all had afternoon classes at the same time on Tuesdays and Thursdays, so we were out of our room in the fraternity at the same time for several hours each afternoon those days.  One Tuesday or Thursday, we decided that we would blast "Never Gonna Give You Up" on repeat as loud as our speakers could go, and then head to class, locking the door behind us.  I was the first to arrive back to the house after my class, no doubt enjoying Bloomington's magnificent spring weather.  Astley's soulful baritone greeted me as I turned down our hallway.  What a song! I thought to myself.  Then, one of the guys in the room next to ours popped out as I removed my keys to unlock my door.  He informed me in no uncertain terms that if he ever heard that song again, anywhere, he would maim and/or dismember each and every one of us.  You just got rickrolled, Jeff!

Undefeated After Week 11

Last night, the latest College Football Playoff rankings came out, after an epic weekend in college football, where we saw two of the top three teams (Georgia and Notre Dame) get curb stomped, and #2 Alabama squeaked out a late victory at Mississippi State.

Unsurprisingly, Alabama now sits at the top of the rankings.  Clemson is #2, Miami is #3, and Oklahoma is #4, with undefeated Wisconsin lurking at #5.  The selection committee's rankings are released each Tuesday evening, so I'll be taking a look at the remaining undefeated teams for the next few Wednesdays.  I got a little bit of a later start this year than I had in years' past, but better late than never.

There are only four undefeated teams left in the FBS:  Alabama, Miami, Wisconsin, and Central Florida.

If Central Florida remains undefeated, assuming they are the highest-ranked non-Power Five team (which they are as of now), the worst the Golden Knights could do is go to a BCS bowl.

Looking at the remaining games, none of the undefeated teams has a cakewalk, and it's not out of the question that all four will lose before the end of the regular season. 

-While Alabama has its usual late-season FCS matchup (Mercer) this weekend, the Crimson Tide have to travel to #6 Auburn next weekend for the Iron Bowl and, if they win that, they will play #7 Georgia in the SEC Championship game.  Alabama's schedule thus far has been relatively weak, so they haven't been as battle-tested as they might usually be this time of year. 

-Miami has the easiest path of these four teams, as the Hurricanes have two very winnable games against Virginia and Pitt before playing #2 Clemson in the ACC Championship game. 

-Wisconsin has had a pretty light schedule this year, which explains why they are undefeated, but still looking in from the outside of the CFP Top 4.  They play #24 Michigan this week before traveling to Minneapolis to play Minnesota next week for Paul Bunyan's Axe.  The Badgers' opponent in the Big Ten Championship game has not yet been determined, but it will be Ohio State, Penn State, Michigan State, or Michigan. 

-UCF plays at Temple (last year's AAC champion) this weekend before facing 8-1 South Florida next weekend.  Assuming they win those games, they will have a rematch with #21 Memphis in the AAC Championship game.

Here are the top 4 teams in the CFP ranking, along with each team's best win and worst loss, where applicable:

1.  Alabama (10-0)

Best win:  at #16 Mississippi State (11/11; 31-24)

Worst loss:  N/A

2.  Clemson (9-1)

Best win:  #6 Auburn (9/9; 14-6)

Worst loss:  at Syracuse (10/13; 27-24)

3.  Miami (9-0)

Best win:  #8 Notre Dame (11/11; 41-8)

Worst loss: N/A

4.  Oklahoma (9-1)

Best win:  at #9 Ohio State (9/9; 31-16)

Worst loss:  Iowa State (10/7; 38-31)

Here is a breakdown of the remaining undefeated teams and each team's remaining games (rankings are CFB Playoff Committee rankings):

#1 Alabama 10-0

11/18 – Mercer (FCS) (5-5)

11/25 – at #6 Auburn (8-2)

12/2 – SEC championship game (Atlanta) - #7 Georgia (9-1)

Remaining opponents' combined record:  22-8 (.733)

Best win:  at #16 Mississippi State (11/11; 31-24)

#3 Miami 9-0

11/8 – Virginia (6-4)

11/24 – at Pittsburgh (4-6)

12/2 – ACC championship game (Charlotte) - #2 Clemson (9-1)

Remaining opponents' combined record:  19-11 (.633)

Best win:  #8 Notre Dame (11/11; 41-8)

#5 Wisconsin 10-0

11/18 – #24 Michigan (8-2)

11/25 – at Minnesota (5-5)

12/2 – Big Ten championship game (Indianapolis) - TBD

Remaining opponents' combined record:  13-7 (.650)

Best win:  #23 Northwestern (9/30; 33-24)

#15 Central Florida 9-0

11/18 – at Temple (5-5)

11/24 – South Florida (8-1)

12/2 – AAC championship game (TBD) - TBD

Remaining opponents' combined record:  13-6 (.684)

Best win:  #21 Memphis (9/30; 40-13)

Tuesday Top Ten: Funksgiving Songs

In little more than a week, the wife and I will be hosting Thanksgiving for the third year in a row.  As someone who rarely has time to make a proper meal for myself -- depending on whether you consider breakfast for dinner a "proper meal," in which case I make myself a "proper meal" several times a week -- I enjoy trussing, stuffing, and cooking the turkey, as well as making some fantastic sweet potato casserole and mashed potatoes with an alarming amount of butter.  Of course, I also enjoy having people over, watching football, drinking whiskey, and eating so much food that my body is unable to function.  It's the American way.

You may not know this about me, but I also like music and word combinations.  That's how Funksgiving came about.  I need music to function as a human being, and certainly to help me jam vegetables into a fowl's empty body cavity.  Last year, I decided to make Thanksgiving a little funkier, by including in the playlist a whole lotta funk music.  If nothing else, it will make it more likely that you and your guests tap their feet and do the worm, so as to burn off some of those 5,000 calories we will all be ingesting to honor our nation's long history of coming together for gluttony.

The cool thing about funk is that is has, in one way or another, spanned the last 50 years, from James Brown to Sly & The Family Stone to Curtis Mayfield to Stevie Wonder to Earth, Wind & Fire to Parliament/Funkadelic to Prince to Red Hot Chili Peppers to Bruno Mars, so the Funksgiving playlist includes songs both old and new.  The entire playlist isn't funk music, but a significant portion of it is.  If you're thinking about following my lead -- and you should always consult a licensed physician before doing so -- here are my top ten songs on the Funksgiving playlist, in alphabetical order by artist, along with the year the song was released after the artist.

1.  "Pick Up The Pieces" by Average White Band (1975)

This is a classic funk song that hit #1 on the Billboard Hot 100 in 1975, performed by six white Scottish guys -- not exactly the typical make-up of a funk band.  It has been featured in tons of movies, including, most memorably for me, Swingers.

2.  "Hot Pants, Part 1" by James Brown (1971)

It was a tough choice between this and "Get Up Offa That Thing" (both of which are on the Funksgiving playlist, along with several other James Brown songs), but I think "Hot Pants" is just a little funkier.  That repeating guitar riff is kind of the essence of funk, isn't it?

3.  "Atomic Dog" by George Clinton (1982)

It would be tough to have Funksgiving without "Atomic Dog."  It has been sampled in countless hip hop songs, including Dr. Dre's "Fuck wit Dre Day (And Everybody's Celebratin')," Ice Cube's "Bop Gun (One Nation)," 2Pac's "Holler If Ya Hear Me," and perhaps most famously, Snoop Doggy Dogg's "Who Am I? (What's My Name?)"

4.  "Backstrokin'" by Fatback (1980)

Fatback's 1980 electrofunk hit "Backstrokin'" rose to #3 on the Billboard R&B charts. I can't listen to this song without at least bobbing my head.  You may be surprised to learn that it's not about swimming.

5.  "You Dropped A Bomb On Me" by The Gap Band (1982)

This is another electrofunk classic.  With its synthesized bomb-dropping effect and upbeat tempo, it reached #2 on the Billboard R&B charts and #31 on the Billboard Hot 100.

6.  "Jungle Boogie" by Kool & The Gang (1973)

Before they were singing about celebrating good times, girls named Joanna, and cherishing things in the '80s, Kool & The Gang was a legit funk band.  "Jungle Boogie" was the band's first Top 10 song on the Billboard Hot 100, climbing all the way up to #4 in 1974.  It's a great song, with that Tarzan-esque yell near the beginning of the song providing the right start for the horns and grunting vocals to follow.  Unless my BAC is at least twice the legal limit, I generally don't dance, but "Jungle Boogie" has always been one of those songs that makes me want to gyrate my hips suggestively, even when I'm sober.  Those of us Gen Xers probably remember this song most for its inclusion on the Pulp Fiction soundtrack.

7.  "Move On Up" by Curtis Mayfield (1970)

"Move On Up" is nearly nine minutes of soul and funk jamming bliss.  It's not only a great Funksgiving song, but it's a staple on my everyday party playlists because it's upbeat and a good background song. Just a great song from one of Chicago's best. Of course, Mayfield would go on to write and perform the soundtrack to Super Fly, a delicious amalgamation of gritty funk songs, focusing on the darker side of street life.

8.  "Give Up The Funk (Tear the Roof off the Sucker)" by Parliament (1975)

Parliament/Funkadelic is kind of like The Beatles of funk.  They didn't necessarily invent it, but they took it to another level and are probably the most influential funk band.  Parliament's 1975 song "Give Up The Funk (Tear the Roof off the Sucker)" is one of the quintessential funk songs, going gold as a single and becoming the band's first Top 40 song (hitting #15 on the Billboard Hot 100).

9.  "Thank You (Falletinme Be Mice Elf Agin)" by Sly & The Family Stone (1969)

Sly & The Family Stone was one of the pioneers of funk.  They were not only a blend of genders and skin colors, but they made all sorts of fantastic music.  "Thank You (Falletinme Be Mice Elf Agin)" was one of their earliest forays into funk, and they nailed it.  The song hit #1 on both the Billboard Hot 100 and Billboard R&B charts, becoming one of the first successful funk songs.

10.  "I Wish" by Stevie Wonder (1976)

Stevie Wonder had a pretty solid run of great funk songs in the '70s and very early '80s, including "Superstition," "Higher Ground," "Boogie On Reggae Woman," "You Haven't Done Nothin'," "Sir Duke," and "Masterblaster (Jammin')," among others.  His four-album run from 1972 to 1976 -- Talking Book, Innervisions, Fulfillingness' First Finale, and Songs in the Key of Life -- might be one of the best four-album runs in music history.  It was tough to pick one song (and all of the songs mentioned above are on my Funksgiving list), but I'm going with "I Wish" is off Songs in the Key of Life.  It's a catchy, brass-and-bass-heavy song that became Wonder's fifth #1 song in the U.S.

Hair Band Friday - 11/10/17

1.  "Love of a Lifetime" by FireHouse


2.  "Breakout" by Vinnie Vincent Invasion


3.  "Animal" by Def Leppard


4.  "Don't Go Away Mad (Just Go Away) by Mötley Crüe


5.  "Where Have All The Good Times Gone" by Van Halen


6.  "Get It On" by Kingdom Come


7.  "The Deeper The Love" by Whitesnake


8.  "Every Rose Has Its Thorn" by Poison


9.  "I'd Die For You" by Bon Jovi


10.  "I Wanna Be With You" by Pretty Boy Floyd

Retro Video of the Week: "Bring The Noise" by Public Enemy

Monday marked the thirtieth anniversary of the release of the soundtrack from the movie Less Than Zero.  The film was an adaptation of Bret Easton Ellis's debut novel of the same name.  Written and released when he was still a student at Bennington, the novel was released in 1985, when Ellis was only 21.  The novel is a nihilistic look at the superficiality of '80s L.A., full of drug use and vapid, self-centered characters.  The film -- which, admittedly, I haven't seen -- was loosely based on the book, but apparently with some significant changes to lighten the mood a bit and take some of the more hardcore edges from the novel.  It starred Andrew McCarthy, Robert Downey, Jr., Jami Gertz, and James Spader, among others.

While the film did okay at the box office, its soundtrack was what many remember. Produced by Rick Rubin, the soundtrack featured a mix of original songs and covers by artists of varied genres:  Aerosmith, Roy Orbison, Slayer, Public Enemy, The Bangles, LL Cool J, Poison, Glenn Danzig, Joan Jett & The Blackhearts, Alyson Williams and Oran "Juice" Jones, and Black Flames.

I'm going with Public Enemy's "Bring The Noise" because I think it's the best original song on the soundtrack.  It would also be included a year later on the group's seminal album, It Takes a Nation of Millions to Hold Us Back. And, of course, in 1991, Public Enemy collaborated with thrash metal stalwarts Anthrax for a metal version of the song. But I'm giving you the video for the original version, which has since become recognized as one of the best rap songs of all-time.  Chuck D slays on this song.  The video includes a lead-in and outro from a British video show, which is kind of funny, since I assume there weren't many Brits who were into Public Enemy.

Tuesday Top Ten: Halloween Costumes (2017 Edition)

Last Tuesday was the greatest holiday of the year, Halloween.  But you know I don't celebrate Halloween on just one night.  

The Saturday before Halloween I had my annual Halloween party, but this year, it was hair band themed.  Basically, it was the Halloween party I've always dreamed of.  First, of course, we had to make sure we had all the proper food and drink:  plenty of Jack Daniel's, a fine variety of sliced meats and cheeses, and a bowl of M&Ms with all the brown ones removed, just in case Messrs. Anthony, Roth, Van Halen, and Van Halen showed up.  They did not.

The whole family was into it.  I was Slash, Jester was one of my groupies, Daughter was a Def Leppard fan, Lollipop was Lita Ford, and Son was Dee Snider.  If this photo isn't used for our Christmas card this year, I will be sorely disappointed.

I managed to break one of our dinner table chairs by jumping on it with my cowboy boots on when I wanted to crank some Tesla a little louder.  Totally metal.

Here are some shots of the party:

The night ended with a trip to the local dive bar and then a few more beers at my place afterward until about 4:30 in the morning.  How I didn't have a hangover when I woke up for the first time a 40-year-old is beyond me.  One of my birthday presents was left behind by one of my guests the night before.  At some point in the early afternoon, as I was sitting on the couch watching football, I noticed the most adorable little pile of puke on an end table.  Notice the string of regurgitated Jack Daniel's and gouda hanging down.  Rock and fucking roll.

On Halloween proper, I did my usual bit where I dress up like some wraith who bleeds from the eyes and eats children's souls, and I passed out copious amounts of candy to the neighborhood children.

But more to the point, here are the ten best costumes I saw this year, whether in person, on the interwebs, or on Facebook.  These are in no particular order.

1.  A rocker with an actual guitar and amp
Kudos to my buddy Daniel, who went the extra rocker step by making his actual electric guitar a part of his costume, and then bringing a portable amp with which to play it.

2.  Dee Snider
Not to toot my own horn, but I think the Dee Snider costume I made for Son was pretty damn good.  He chose to be Dee Snider because he loves Twisted Sister's videos for "We're Not Gonna Take It" and "I Wanna Rock."  I happily obliged, buying youth shoulder pads and cutting up some black and pink felt.  The wig wasn't perfect, but it's hard to find the perfect wig for a 3-year-old cross-dresser.

3.  (L to R)  Matthew or Gunnar Nelson, C.C. DeVille, Jani Lane, Lonesome Jubilee era John Cougar Mellencamp, and Zakk Wylde

4.  The Night King
I don't watch Game of Thrones (Jesus, I know I need to, so calm down), but I know a good costume when I see one.

5.  Guns N' Roses (get it?) and Joan Jett

6.  Death and Animal
I assume it was some sort of metaphor for animal cruelty.

7.  Axl Rose (L)

8.  Steven Adler (R)

9.  Jack and Coke

10.  The Grady daughters from The Shining
This is phenomenal.

11.  The "Sweet Child O' Mine" cassette single
With an actual sweet child!  And apparently her Hasidic father.  Oy vey!

12.  Price Is Right Contestants
I think Jeremy might be over, so Steve's going to Acapulco!  Bring your kevlar, buddy.

13.  Joan Jett and Garth Algar (?)

Midwestern Eavesdropping

Thirtysomething female the morning after a rough night:  "I must have used at least one of my seven lives last night."
--Chicago
Eavesdropper:  The Loose-Lipped Lithuanian

Millennial at a beer festival, to stranger:  "Hey man, what's a plantain?"
--Chicago, Beer Hoptacular, 2565 W. 16th St.
Eavesdropper:  The Loose-Lipped Lithuanian

Retro Video of the Week: "End of the Road" by Boyz II Men

If you were listening to Top 40 radio 25 years ago, then chances are you heard Boyz II Men's "End of the Road" a few times each day.  Originally released on the Boomerang soundtrack and then as a single after the group had released all of their singles from their debut album, Cooleyhighharmony, "End of the Road" did something no other song in music history had done.  On October 30, 1992, "End of the Road" was the #1 song on the Billboard Hot 100 for the 12th consecutive week, breaking Elvis Presley's 36-year-old record for "Hound Dog/Don't Be Cruel."  

The song would stay at #1 for another week.  However, a few weeks later, Whitney Houston's "I Will Always Love You" would start its 14-week run at #1, breaking Boyz II Men's record.  Not to be outdone by a cokehead, Boyz II Men's 1994 hit "I'll Make Love to You" tied Houston's streak, and then their collaboration with Mariah Carey, "One Sweet Day," broke that record by staying at #1 for 16 consecutive weeks between December 1995 and March 1996.  That streak has since been tied this year by "Despacito."

But anyway, "End of the Road" was actually the beginning of Boyz II Men's #1 hits.  All in all, Boyz II Men had five #1 songs (including "One Sweet Day"), which spent nearly an entire year (50 weeks) at #1.  That's on top of their ten other Top 40 hits, including five other Top 10s.  "End of the Road" ended up being the #1 song on Billboard's Year End Hot 100 chart for 1992 and the #6 song on Billboard's End of Decade chart for the '90s.