Thursday, July 31, 2008

Ring My Bell's

I've wept only once since I was twelve. That was today at 11:56 a.m. after reading that Bell's is coming back to Chicago. It's been almost two years since the taste of draft Oberon has hit my lips, and I am overjoyed to welcome back my personal version of the Coelacanth.

Midwestern Eavesdropping - 7/31/08

Thirtysomething male after going to a strip club: "I realized today I love strange pussy more than I love eating."
--somewhere in Iowa
Eavesdropper: GMYH

Twentysomething female at an upscale sushi restaurant: "Instead of soy sauce I drink egg whites."
--Chicago, Sushi Samba, Wells & Illinois
Eavesdropper: The Loose-Lipped Lithuanian

Fortysomething woman to sixtysomething woman returning from funeral on Metra train: "She don't hold her babies in her womb as long as I do"
--Chicagoland area, somewhere on the Metra
Eavesdropper: Kazda

Twentysomething female "Do you think they are going to do anything special here for the 4th of July?"
Twentysomething male "Seeing as how we kicked their asses, I doubt it."

--London, England, on a bus
Eavesdropper: Spawn

Several co-workers, including a weird guy who hates kids, have a conversation:
Kid hater: "Hey [Half Japanese man], so you know how much I hate kids and kids hate me?"
Half Japanese man: "Uh, yeah."
Kid hater: "So I was at Wal-Mart buying some new Dickies and my size was on the bottom row, so I reached down and a kid spit in my face."
Twentysomething male (incredulously): "Whoa, whoa, whoa, you didn't say anything to the kid or the parents or anything?"
Kid hater: "No, they didn't speak English. I think they were first generation illegals."
--Irvine, CA, 17 Pasteur
Eavesdropper: Tail Pipe

Young 20s Lemon Smoothie vendor at ballpark: "Get your over-priced lemon smoothies!"
--Chicago, Wrigley Field, 1060 W. Addison
Eavesdropper: GMYH

Twentysomething female: "I don't use condoms, what am I . . .12?"
--Chicago, somewhere
Eavesdropper: The Loose-Lipped Lithuanian

Twentysomething bachelor to some women: "Well, he's my best man because he popped my wife's cherry."
--Chicago, somewhere
Eavesdropper: Gregerson

Preppy male talking to two trixies on residential sidewalk: "You were wasteder than I was."
--Chicago, Burling & Belden
Eavesdropper: GMYH

Person from work looking at a fellow co-worker's ultrasound: "Hey [Kid hater], have you seen this?"
Kid hater: "No and I don't want to. I hate kids. They weird me out. I've already gone under the knife so I don't have any."
--Irvine, CA, 17 Pasteur
Eavesdropper: Tail Pipe

Thirtysomething male after going to a strip club: "I could drink forever with boobies in my face."
--somewhere in Iowa
Eavesdropper: GMYH

Female cashier ringing up grocery purchase: "Wow...they have brown rice now?"
--Westchester, IL, Dominick's, Wolf & 31st
Eavesdropper: RDC

Twentysomething male to co-worker: "[Co-worker], are you hungry? Do you want to go grab lunch?"
Co-worker: "I'm pretty busy, so I can't go anywhere. I think I'll just head next door and get a bucket of slop."

--Irvine, CA, 17 Pasteur
Eavesdropper: Tail Pipe

Thanks to everyone who contributed. Sorry it took three weeks instead of the usual two. I had shit to do last Thursday. Anywho, the next time you overhear something hilarious, email it to for inclusion in the next exciting installment of Midwestern Eavesdropping.

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

The Dream Polizei

As you may know, I'm prone to have odd dreams. Most of the time, I keep them to myself because they are too horrifying or psychosexual for humans' ears. Yesterday I read an article about dream interpretation, which I found to be both interesting and disconcerting, since most of my dreams involve falling from a plane, then, upon landing, losing my teeth before getting chased by snakes, which sucks because it puts me way off course and I end up five hours late to work, where I realize I left the house without any clothes on. So there I am, toothless, naked, and sweating like Paris Hilton in church, and the kicker is that I have to give the big presentation. Momma mia!

Last night I had a weird one. I was one of several people chosen -- probably because I was a history major -- to investigate a Bavarian castle that had somehow been undiscovered, even though Hitler apparently lived there. Jessie was there, too, probably because she is always watching History Channel documentaries on the nazi hunters and reading books about Holocaust survivors and children of nazi officers. Anyway, it was this huge gothic castle. I was tasked with the penthouse, which was where Adolf apparently slept. The room was ginormous -- probably about 60 feet by 60 feet with 20-foot vaulted ceilings -- although it was sparsely furnished, with only a canopy bed in the middle, probably where Adolf got pissed on, since that was his fetish. The room was full of dark wood, limestone walls, spider webs, and what I assume were cobwebs, although I'm still not sure what a cob is or how it makes webs. Oh, and there were miniature living elephants walking around. They couldn't have been more than two feet tall. This came as a bit of a shock to me, and I figured others would like to know about Hitler's Mini Elephants. I couldn't contain myself enough to let the rest of the crew know via our walkie-talkies because this was something that had to be told in person. I went down some stairs to a grandiose foyer-type room, also filled with cobwebs, dark wood and such. There, I could either get outside through another few rooms that I knew would take a long time, or I could go through another door which led to the unknown. I hesitated for a second, then went with the door to the unknown, which worked out nicely, since it led directly outside to a beautiful terrace, which, as you might have guessed, housed a delightful little outdoor café. Then it started to rain, and I carried on, not stopping to ask why there was a packed terrace café in Hilter's previously undiscovered Bavarian hideout.

When I woke up crying, flailing, and sweating, as I do several times every night, I thought to myself, "What does it all mean? In a past life, did I kill or piss on Hitler? Or both? Should I stop using mescaline as a sleep aide? And how did those mini elephants get there, much less survive the harsh Bavarian winters?" By the time I got to work, I was teeming with unanswerable questions. Then I pulled up my Yahoo horoscope, and the answer was provided: "Sometimes, dreams are just dreams. Don't get caught up in symbolism right now."

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Nessie, Jr.

Ari sent me a link to a Gawker article about some thing -- and I do mean thing -- that allegedly washed up on the shore in Montauk. Holy mother of mutation, what the fuck is that thing?! It looks like a turtle without its shell combined with a pig fetus combined with Richard Moll. And it appears to be flipping the bird. I can't say for sure that it's real, but I have encountered a lobstress firsthand, so I also can't say for sure that it's not real.

New Book - Rogue Warrior by Richard Marcinko

I finished Reckless Road: Guns N' Roses and the Making of Appetite for Destruction by Marc Canter about a month ago, but I have been scraping by reading the Red Eye every morning on the train while I figured out what I was going to read next. Reckless Road is a definite must for any Guns N' Roses fan. As I previously explained, the book chronicles GNR's rise to fame and making of Appetite for Destruction through first-hand accounts by band members and those close to them. Good photos, good story, Good God. The only possible flaw with the book was that it was in need of some editing for typos and grammatical errors. I will go ahead and volunteer myself for that task.

I recently started reading Rogue Warrior by Richard Marcinko, which came recommended and borrowed from Australian Andrew. Marcinko is a former Navy SEAL and apparently a rogue, who helped create SEAL Team Six, an elite Navy counterterrorism unit. The book is an autobiographical account of various badass missions and such. So far it's pretty interesting.

GMYH All-Decade All-Time All-Stars

So now that I've bored the shit out of you with my all-star songs for each decade, you are no doubt asking, "What the shit, GMYH? Fuck the decades -- and you. How about your all-time favorites? I hate you with every fiber of my being." That's fair, so here you go:

All-Time First Team
Happiness is a Warm Gun by The Beatles ('60s)
Bring It On Home to Me by Sam Cooke ('60s)
Pour Some Sugar On Me by Def Leppard ('80s)
Rocket Queen by Guns N' Roses ('80s)
When the Levee Breaks by Led Zeppelin ('70s)

All-Time Second Team
Ziggy Stardust by David Bowie ('70s)
Fuck Tha Police by NWA ('80s)
Can't You Hear Me Knocking by The Rolling Stones ('70s)
Plush by Stone Temple Pilots ('90s)
Offend in Every Way by The White Stripes ('00s)

All-Time Third Team
I Believe In a Thing Called Love by The Darkness ('00s)
One Rainy Wish by The Jimi Hendrix Experience ('60s)
Fat Bottomed Girls by Queen ('70s)
Heroin by The Velvet Underground ('60s)
10 A.M. Automatic by The Black Keys ('00s)

All-Time Honorable Mention (limiting it to 10 songs because otherwise it would be all the rest)
In My Life by The Beatles ('60s)
Anyday by Derek & The Dominos ('70s)
Peace Frog by The Doors ('70s)
There Goes My Baby by The Drifters ('50s)
Let's Get It On by Marvin Gaye ('70s)
Hey Ya! by OutKast ('00s)
I've Got Dreams to Remember by Otis Redding ('60s)
Be My Baby by The Ronettes ('60s)
Sweet Jane by The Velvet Underground ('70s)
Baba O'Riley by The Who ('70s)

So there you have it. I'll spare you the mix tape, since you've heard them all before.

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

I Love Your Gypsy Eyes

Can't a guy eat a sandwich on the beach next to some corpses without getting any guff anymore?So I guess a couple gypsy girls drowned on the Italian coast, and everyone's in a tizzy because the people on the beach went about their sunbathing and lunching while the bodies of the two girls lie nearby, before authorities had the decency to remove the bodies from the beach. To be honest, I don't see what the big deal is. I am a little biased on this issue because I prefer to sun bathe on corpse-free beaches. More importantly, my grandma hated gypsies. For those of you who never had the pleasure of meeting my grandma, we're talking about the sweetest woman in the history of the world. She embraced everyone (figuratively and literally) and could have cared less about your race or religion or socioeconomic status. She hated no one. Except gypsies. Because they steal children and goats from hard-working Calabrese families. No wonder she caught a boat to the New World back in '27. I'm just glad for her sake that the beaches of Lake Erie were not polluted -- well, at least not with the lifeless, emaciated bodies of godless rapscallions who haven't mastered the doggy paddle.

Saturday, July 19, 2008

We Can Be Heroes

Have you ever looked at a lawyer's web bio and thought, "That sonofabitch is my hero"? No? Neither have I. Seriously though, as a lawyer, I can say with conviction that no lawyer should ever be your hero. Ever. Our lives are wrought with nothing but long hours, unnecessarily high student loans, and broken dreams. Most of the time I feel like Mick Mars looks. There is nothing -- nothing -- good about being a lawyer, except for maybe the paycheck, most of which goes to pay off the aforementioned unnecessarily high student loan bills and concomitant alcohol dependency. I pretty much assumed we all sucked. Until now. Holt sent me a link to a bio of a lawyer in Denver named Kevin Gliwa. He is now my hero. If I am ever in a position to refer work to someone in Denver, rest assured it will be to him, even if it doesn't match his practice areas or he doesn't want it. I need a beer.

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Subpoenaed in Texas, Sequestered in Memphis

I've been ignoring you lately, haven't I? Many apologies. I have been terribly busy with work, play, my latest Second City class, swinging, winning the UK lottery (several times over, according to the emails), and visiting the doctor for my most recent bout with Chlamydia. I also got a Wii Fit a couple months ago, so I'm pretty flexible.

I have nothing exciting to report to you. Penicillin seems to work really well. Essentially, it prevents me from learning from my mistakes. I've also purchased some music over the past three months that I think you should know about. It's called rock and roll, and I really thinks it's gonna stick.

As a preliminary note, if you think these reviews are worthless or that no one pays attention, perhaps you should check out the "News" section of Township's website. Scroll down a little. Hell yeah!

As a reminder, here is the GMYH CD Review Scale:
-6 Handrews - Buy it now. NOW!!
-5 Handrews - Excellent album that you should seriously consider purchasing in the near future
-4 Handrews - Very good album that you should at least check out on iTunes
-3 Handrews - If you want it, download it illegally
-2 Handrews - Somewhere between Britney Spears and William Hung
-1 Handrew - Ashlee Simpson
-0 Handrews - PopoZao

-Badfinger - The Very Best of Badfinger (4 Handrews) - An oft-overlooked stalwart of the early '70s, but these guys have some great songs. Favorite songs: "Without You," "Baby Blue"
-Be Your Own Pet - Get Awkward (4.75 Handrews) - They're growing up so fast, and continuing to kick ass with their hooky punk. Favorite songs: "The Kelly Affair," "Heart Throb"
-David Bowie - Aladdin Sane (4 Handrews) - In my opinion, it's better than Hunky Dory, but not as good as The Rise and Fall of Ziggy Stardust (but what is?). Favorite songs: "Panic in Detroit," "The Jean Genie"
-Foxboro Hot Tubs - Stop Drop and Roll!!! (4.5 Handrews) - Green Day's '60s-style garage rocking alter-ego. Is it bad that I like this better than a lot of their regular stuff? Favorite songs: "Mother Mary," "The Pedestrian"
-The Fratellis - Here We Stand (4 Handrews) - Somewhat of a disappointment. Their first album, Costello Music, had more hooks than a tackle box. This doesn't have as many hooks, although it is still pretty good. Favorite songs: "Shameless," "Lupe Brown"
-Gnarls Barkley - The Odd Couple (4.5 Handrews) - Catchy as hell. Dare I say, it's fun to listen to. Favorite songs: "Going On," "Blind Mary"
-The Hold Steady - Stay Positive (5 Handrews) - Just got this yesterday, so I've only listened to it a couple times. It picks up where Boys and Girls in America left off. Good stuff. Plus it made the Captivate list of new albums. If they show it in an elevator, it must be important. Favorite songs: "Constructive Summer," "Magazines"
-Man Raze - Surreal (4 Handrews) - What do you get when you combine Def Leppard's Phil Collen, Sex Pistols's Paul Cook, and Girl's Simon Laffy? A great combination of punk, Police-y pop, and straight-up rock. Favorite songs: "Turn It Up," "This Is"
-Motley Crue - Shout at the Devil (4 Handrews) - A pretty damn good sophomore album. Favorite songs: "Looks That Kill," "Bastard"
-Motley Crue - Girls Girls Girls (4 Handrews) - A much-needed return to glory and debauchery after the disappointing Theatre of Pain album. Favorite songs: "Wild Side," "Dancing on Glass"
-The Raconteurs - Consolers of the Lonely (5.5 Handrews) - I love this album, probably because it's more rocking and more White Stripes-y than their first album. Favorite songs: "Salute Your Solution," "Carolina Drama," "Attention"
-Thin Lizzy - Night Life (3 Handrews) - A bit more mellow, and, therefore, less satisfying than their other albums I own. Favorite songs: "Philomena," "Sha-La-La"
-Weezer - Weezer (the Red Album) (4 Handrews) - This harkens back to their earlier stuff, which I like. Rivers Cuomo can write a pop song. Favorite songs: "Pork and Beans," "Dreamin'"

Also, I put as many of the "favorite songs" from each album as I could into a Mixwit mix so that you can feel what I feel, minus the constant shame. Doesn't the mix tape remind you of the Transformers Bumble Bee toy? The old-school one, not the tripe that Michael Bay passes off as Bumble Bee? If not, I suggest you change your reminiscence.


Thursday, July 10, 2008

Midwestern Eavesdropping - 7/10/08

Twentysomething drunk female: "If you're not senstive to dead babies, I don't wanna deal with you."
--Chicago, Paddy Long's, Kenmore & Diversey
Eavesdropper: GMYH

One twentysomething female to two friends, while walking down a busy sidewalk: "You know, I can see my cousin Landis making out with me."
--Chicago, Halsted & Armitage
Eavesdropper: Can Can

Twentysomething drunk female: "Anything by The Cure makes me want to double dutch."
--Chicago, Paddy Long's, Kenmore & Diversey
Eavesdropper: GMYH

A guy text messages someone while standing next to a girl apparently named Erica Kaiser: "Erica Kaiser is the dumbest person ever. She sucks the fun out of life."
--Chicago, Kirkwood, Sheffield & Oakdale
Eavesdropper: Gregerson

Drunk thirtysomething male to twentysomething female at a bar: "I will puke on your twat!"
--Chicago, Vaughan's, Sheffield & Oakdale
Eavesdropper: RDC

Twentysomething female, after seeing highlights of Venus Williams: "I think this Williams sister is cuter than the maneater."
--Chicago, Bottle Bar, Sheffield & Wolfram
Eavesdropper: GMYH

Thanks to all who contributed, as well as the drunk people who made this whole thing possible. For everyone out there, when you overhear something hilarious, email it to for inclusion in the next beer-soaked edition of Midwestern Eavesdropping.

Wednesday, July 09, 2008

New Poll - Desert Island Music Decade

Well, the results are in on the effectiveness of strapping a sandwich board to yourself and handing out resumes. The GMYH readership does not think highly of creative job-seeking techniques. 75% of the voters thought that creative job-seeking techniques are more likely to backfire than anything else. 43% thought that the techniques are desperate and pathetic. On the other hand, 6% thought it shows creativity and 6% think these mad-cap techniques actually help someone get their foot in the door. (As you may recall, I allowed the selection of multiple options, which is why it adds up to more than 100%.)

This week's poll relates to the culmination of the GMYH All-Decade song extravaganza. If you were stuck on a desert island (yes, Holt, I realize that's an oxymoron) and you could listen to music from one (and only one) decade, which decade would it be? The '50s, '60s, '70s, '80s, '90s, or '00s?

Tuesday, July 08, 2008

Vote JD into the All-Star Game

I don't have much time, on account of the work and the AIDS, but please make sure to go to and vote Jermaine Dye onto the AL All-Star team. He deserves it. "Final Vote" voting ends Thursday at 5 pm EST, and you can vote as often as you want. While you're at it, vote Carlos "El Caballo" Lee to the NL All-Star team.

Wednesday, July 02, 2008

Greatest Phone Messages Ever

Ladies, have you ever been a little hammered and met someone named Dmitri who is single, who doesn't date timid women, and who thought you looked "extremely elegant"? If not, here's why you should not give him your number. Thanks to Chandler for the link. This is absolutely priceless, especially the last minute. - Watch more free videos

According to the link Chandler sent me, "The back story on this is that a girl named Olga was out with her friends in the Marina district of San Francisco (known for being a popular hang out for douches), and she talked to this guy named Dmitri for all of two minutes. Then she gave him her card and said 'give me a call.' The above is the messages he left."

Anyone who says, "here's how it's going to work," "believe it or not, I'm a great catch," and "there's nothing wrong with me" on a voicemail to a woman he's met for 2 minutes is a man who knows what he's doing.

Tuesday, July 01, 2008

GMYH All-Decade Songs - 2000s

Ahh, this decade. War, global terrorism, escalating gas prices, a downward spiraling economy, and the emergence of Ashlee Simpson. Wow, what a horrible decade thus far. The "every other decade theory" propounded by Cynthia in Dazed and Confused (who would, on June 18, 1976, attend an Aerosmith concert in Houston with David Wooderson) seemed to suggest that the '80s would be "radical" (which they were), and, extending her theory forward, the '90s would suck (which was wrong) and the '00s would again be radical (which they aren't). At least the music (or at least some of it) has been pretty decent.

First Team
10 A.M. Automatic by The Black Keys
I Believe In a Thing Called Love by The Darkness
Ignition (Remix) by R. Kelly
Hey Ya! by OutKast (which I firmly believe is the best pure pop song written since "Brown Eyed Girl")
Offend in Every Way by The White Stripes

Second Team
Hate It or Love It by 50 Cent and G-Unit
Massive Nights by The Hold Steady
Black Thumbnail by Kings of Leon
Stumble and Fall by Razorlight
You're Pretty Good Looking (For a Girl) by The White Stripes

Third Team
Still Take You Home by Arctic Monkeys
Chelsea Dagger by The Fratellis
Mr. Brightside by The Killers
Pledge of Allegiance by Louis XIV
We Want Fun by Andrew W.K

Honorable Mention
If I Can't by 50 Cent
Electric Shake by Be Your Own Pet
No Trust by The Black Keys
No Brakes by The Bravery
Since U Been Gone by Kelly Clarkson
Knockers by The Darkness
Ein Stern (…der deinen Namen trägt) by DJ Ötzi
Without Me by Eminem
All My Life by Foo Fighters
Baby Fratelli by The Fratellis
The Middle Jimmy Eat World
Banging Camps by The Hold Steady
How a Resurrection Really Feels by The Hold Steady
Oh My God by Kaiser Chiefs
Something Good by King Konga
Holy Roller Novocain by Kings of Leon
Get Low by Lil John and the East Side Boyz
Saturday Night (Ooh Ooh) by Ludacris
Hot in Herre by Nelly
Ms. Jackson by OutKast
Roses by OutKast
California by Phantom Planet
Don't Let Me Get Me by Pink
She Hates Me by Puddle of Mudd
In Your Eyes by Runner & The Thermodynamics
The Dude's Old Lady by Runner and The Thermodynamics
Why Don't You and I by Santana and Alex Band (or Chad Kroeger)
Hard to Explain by The Strokes
Lady Ann by Township
Keep Fishin' by Weezer
Teenage Dirtbag by Wheatus
Jolene (live) by The White Stripes
My Doorbell by The White Stripes
Woman by Wolfmother