Wednesday, July 27, 2011

The Dude's Abode, Predator The Musical, and IU's Coup

In the past two days, I have come across what may be the three most important pieces of information of my life:

1. The Venice, California bungalow of Jeffrey Lebowski (The Dude, not the spinal) is on the market, along with the other five bungalows in the same complex. For only $2.3 million, you can have all six, live in one, rent out the other five, tell your tenants to slip the rent under your door, and ask them to give you notes when you finally get the venue you wanted for your dance quintet. Marmots welcome. Thanks to Hess for the link.

2. Closer to home, the New Rock Theater (3933 N. Elston Ave. in Chicago) is taking musical theater to new heights. If you've ever watched '80s action classic The Predator and thought, "Shit man, I wish they were singing," then your long national nightmare is over. That's right, Predator: The Musical is running now through August 6. Thanks to AC for the link.

3. Finally, and most importantly, in case you haven't heard, today IU got a verbal commitment from Gunner Kiel, who is ranked as the #1 or #2 QB in the Class of 2012 depending on the recruiting service. This is nothing short of program-changing. This is the biggest recruit IU has gotten in a long time. Now, I'm not saying I expect IU to land recruits like this with regularity, but the fact that we beat out Oklahoma, Alabama, and Missouri speaks volumes of new head coach Kevin Wilson and his staff, and it will certainly help in general with recruiting. Also, Gunner might be the best first name for a quarterback ever (apologies to Colt and Y.A.). Thanks to God for the link.

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Tuesday Top Ten: Things I'm Looking Forward To This NFL Season

After the longest work stoppage in NFL history, the lockout is over. Hallelujah. Praise Sweetness. In the coming six weeks before the start of the regular season, we are going to be inundated with a whirlwind of free agent signings, trades, training camps, cuts, preseason games, and general madness.

Here are the ten things I'm most looking forward to this NFL season:

10. The Tim Tebow Experiment
The speculation is that the Broncos may trade Kyle "Neck Beard" Orton, which would pave the way for Tim "Jesus Freak" Tebow to become the starting quarterback. Tebow, as you know, was the guy you loved to hate when he played at Florida – clean cut, didn't drink, allegedly a virgin, went on third-world Christian missions with his parents, won the Heisman. The "experts" have always said he's not an NFL-caliber quarterback, but the Broncos wasted a first-round pick on him in 2010 nonetheless. Now he may have the chance to prove everyone right or wrong.

9. How soon James Harrison is suspended for a hard hit
On one hand, Harrison has a target on his back, so every hit he doles out will be scrutinized more than other players' hits. On the other hand, the guy is giant dick who deserves every fine and suspension he gets.

8. Brett Favre's inevitable comeback
After he was almost killed by Arthur Moats and Corey Wootton last year, you would think he would be done. Then again, the man was addicted to painkillers for a while there, so those years don't really count.

7. This year's breakthrough stars
Every year, there are a group of players who, out of nowhere, have monster years, unexpectedly bursting into the top of the ranks at their respective positions after being relatively less productive in prior years. Last season it was Arian Foster, Peyton Hillis, Brandon Lloyd, Mike Wallace, Kenny Britt, Stevie Johnson, Justin Babin, Charles Johnson, and Chris Clemons, to name a few. It will be interesting to see who this year's new stars will be and, more importantly, whether I can pick them up on the waiver wire before anyone else does.

6. The League
Before the lockout ended yesterday, one of my legitimate concerns about the possibility of no NFL season (or a shortened season) was that it could mean that The League would have to be postponed this season. If that's not a testament to how funny The League is, I don't know what is. (By the way, the actress who played "The Shiva" is currently portraying a hot shapeshifter on True Blood, as if you needed another reason to watch.)

5. Michael Vick
Last year, Vick made a monster comeback and had the best season of his dogfight-interrupted career. He has always been fun to watch, and now that he has added more accurate passing to his arsenal, he is tough to stop. Of course, the fact that he seems genuinely sorry for his prior wrongdoings and has spoken against dog fighting (and helped sponsor anti-dogfighting legislation) helps a lot of people (myself included) tolerate his post-prison success.

4. Where Plaxico Burress ends up
Dude shot himself in the leg because he was carrying a handgun in the waistband of his sweatpants. It was possibly the dumbest thing someone who relies on his legs for his livelihood could do, short of jumping feet first into a wood chipper. Before he made the worst decision of his life, he was a pretty damn good receiver. Whether he can still perform at the same level remains to be seen, as does where he will land. As a fan of a team whose all-time receiving yards leader retired in 1967 and whose all-time receptions leader is a running back, I wouldn't mind it if the Bears made a move for Burress.

3. Jay Cutler
After an off-season full of questions about his toughness (not from me, by the way) and an engagement to some chick from The Hills, which he recently broke off, it will be interesting to see how Jay Cutler responds. I hope it's with anger and pinpoint accuracy.

2. Fantasy football
I am physically and psychosexually addicted to fantasy football. Keep Ray Rice as my 6th round pick again this year? I do believe I will.

1. The Packers not repeating as Super Bowl champs

Monday, July 25, 2011

New Book: My Billion Year Contract: Memoir of a Former Scientologist by Nancy Many

I finished re-reading Fargo Rock City by Chuck Klosterman. Like I said before, it's basically an entire book about why hair bands and metal bands are important, not that I needed convincing. I thoroughly enjoy Klosterman's writing style (he's one of my favorite authors), and I highly recommend this book for anyone who enjoys hair bands and/or metal. If Hair Band Friday were to have an unofficial handbook, this would probably be it, along with the Plan B instructions.

I just started reading My Billion Year Contract: Memoir of a Former Scientologist by Nancy Many. I tend to think organized religion can lend itself to charlatanism (if that's a word), and uber-religious people scare the shit out of me, no matter the belief system. From the little I currently know about Scientology, I assume I am in for a good ride, given the volcanoes and aliens.

Books read in 2011:
Life by Keith Richards
Delta Blues: The Life and Times of the Mississippi Masters Who Revolutionized American Music by Ted Gioia
The Perks of Being a Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky
The Devil We Know: Dealing With the New Iranian Superpower by Robert Baer
Riders on the Storm: My Life with Jim Morrison and The Doors by John Densmore
The Butcher: Anatomy of a Mafia Psychopath by Philip Carlo
Runaway Dream: Born to Run and Bruce Springsteen's American Vision by Louis P. Masur
Clapton by Eric Clapton
Fargo Rock City by Chuck Klosterman

Thursday, July 21, 2011

Midwestern Eavesdropping - 7/21/11

I've been stockpiling, so here you go:

Late 20s hippie at wedding reception, to stranger: "I just had the best drink ever -- a pint of half and half. Do you like whole milk?"
--Colleton River Plantation, SC
Eavesdropper: GMYH

Mid 20s girl to friend, upon arrival at a street festival: "I'm about to get really drunk, so try to keep up."
--Chicago, Maifest, Lincoln & Western
Eavesdropper: Gregerson

Thirtysomething guy, dead serious: "One time I moved to Jamaica for 36 hours."
--Colorado Springs, Outback Steakhouse
Eavesdropper: GMYH

Late 20s hippie in hotel pool trying to impress a girl: "I make nine figures."
--Westin, Hilton Head, SC
Eavesdropper: Anonymous

Friends converse on a bus:
Guy #1: "We should leave the maid a tip."
Guy #2: "Just the tip."
Girl: "That's my favorite game."
--On a bus somewhere on the side of a mountain near Telluride, CO
Eavesdropper: GMYH

Teenager walking down sidewalk: "I'll be down on that pussy like a deep sea diver."
--Chicago, North Ave.
Eavesdropper: Can Can

Mid 20s guy and middle-aged guy converse at wedding reception:
Guy: "I'm in Laramie, Wyoming."
Old man: "That's right. Studying mining."
Guy: "Clinical psychology."
--Colorado Springs, The Broadmoor
Eavesdropper: GMYH

One 20-something female following another 20-something female into the bathroom after some post-drinking gas: "It smells like Casey Anthony's trunk in there."
Eavesdropper: Apollo Creed

Twentysomething female describing coffee: "It's my daily enema."
--In a car somewhere in southwestern Colorado
Eavesdropper: GMYH

Thirtysomething male to friend: "I went outside for a cigarette this morning and ran into a soothsayer."
--Telluride, CO, Ice House Lodge
Eavesdropper: GMYH

Bartender to patron (in June): "Do you have a girlfriend?"
Patron: "No, you're thinking of my old girlfriend, we broke up last August. She just had a baby two weeks ago. (pause) I did the math. Wow.
--Chicago, Huettenbar
Eavesdropper: Gregerson

Twentysomething female, talking about Rocky Mountain oysters: "I just can't eat animal balls. Or human balls for that matter."
--somewhere near Montrose, CO
Eavesdropper: GMYH

Thirtysomething female: "I like the noise balls make."
Eavesdropper: Tron

Loud, dumb guy on plane from Chicago to Charleston, to his friend: "There's a 40% chance of rain there. So is it compounded? Like if it's 40% chance for 3 days in a row, does that mean there's 120% it will rain during that time?"
--Somewhere between Chicago and Charleston
Eavesdropper: GMYH

Drunk blonde after street festival: "I know how to swallow, but it's a little much."
--Chicago, Old Town Art Fair
Eavesdropper: 1/2 Pint

Thirtysomething guy at lunch: "I guarantee that if the fraus in Germany lactated, it would come out carbonated."
--Telluride, CO, New Sheridan Hotel
Eavesdropper: GMYH

Guy #1: "Twat's an underused word."
Girl: "We should bring it back."
Guy #2: "It's kind of like cunt."
Girl (who later had to be explained what "twat" means): "Yeah, but no one's really gonna take offense if you call them a twat."
--In a car somewhere near Montrose, CO
Eavesdropper: GMYH

As we often do, here are some pictures that are not necessarily eavsdropping, but worthy of inclusion

--Montrose, CO
Eavesdropper: GMYH

--Chicago, Dominick's, Sheffield & Fullerton
Eavesdropper: RDC

As always, thanks to everyone who contributed. When you overhear something stupid or funny, email it to for inclusion in the next exciting edition of Midwestern Eavesdropping.

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Update on A.J. Moye

Back in November, I relayed the story that former IU basketball player (and probably my favorite IU player ever) A.J. Moye suffered a stroke after he collided with a teammate at practice in Germany. Thanks to Holt for sending me a link to an article about Moye's recovery. On the bright side, Moye has almost fully recovered physically. Unfortunately, the stroke has ended his playing career because there is too much risk. In the article, Moye opens up about his difficult childhood and resultant drive to escape through basketball. He also discusses why he went to IU. Here is one of the better quotes from the article for several reasons:

"Bob Huggins told me, 'You don't have to go to class.' Henry Bibby told me, 'You don't have to go to class.' Coach Knight was like, 'Hey, you've got to go to class. You've got to work hard.'"

Whatever the future holds for A.J. Moye, I wish him the best of luck, as I'm sure every IU fan does. His passion and will to succeed are unmatched, so I'm sure he'll be successful in whatever he ends up doing. As I've told him before, keep on keepin' on.

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Pop Goes the Worm

I just returned from a weeklong vacation, so I haven't had time to write a Tuesday Top Ten or do much of anything else except wish that I was still on vacation and listening to W.A.S.P. in a bar in Telluride. I am a little concerned by the fact that I left a few songs off of my Top Ten Bestiality Songs list: "Love Me Like a Reptile" by Motorhead, "Rattlesnake Shake" by Motley Crue, "Rattlesnake Shake" by Skid Row, and "Rattlesnake Shake" by Fleetwood Mac. I really don't put as much thought into songs about banging nonhumans.

By the way, if you like freeze pops and you like margaritas, several of us discovered something for your next bus ride up the side of a mountain: Shark Attack Margaritas. Unfortunately, they are only available in a handful of states (and apparently not in Chicago, although somewhere in Illinois).

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

New Book: Fargo Rock City by Chuck Klosterman

I finished reading Clapton by Eric Clapton a couple weeks ago. I really enjoyed it. Clapton has had one of the more prolific careers in rock history, and has battled heroin addiction, alcoholism, and a scorching case of philandering. Clapton tells it pretty straight, and there's not much he held back. I'm not a huge fan of a lot of his post-mid-'70s stuff, so I was worried those portions of the book would be boring, but it was just the opposite. The second half of the book was better than the first. I would definitely recommend this to any rock fan and certainly any Clapton fan.

Since then, I have started rereading Fargo Rock City by Chuck Klosterman, who is one of my favorite authors. I read the book about five years ago. It's basically an entire book about why hair bands and metal bands are important. As you might imagine, I like it.

Books read in 2011:
Life by Keith Richards
Delta Blues: The Life and Times of the Mississippi Masters Who Revolutionized American Music by Ted Gioia
The Perks of Being a Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky
The Devil We Know: Dealing With the New Iranian Superpower by Robert Baer
Riders on the Storm: My Life with Jim Morrison and The Doors by John Densmore
The Butcher: Anatomy of a Mafia Psychopath by Philip Carlo
Runaway Dream: Born to Run and Bruce Springsteen's American Vision by Louis P. Masur
Clapton by Eric Clapton

Tuesday Top Ten: Bestiality Songs

I meant to post this last night, but things got away from me. My friend and confidante Holt send me a link to all-too-common and tragic story of a woman who recently died after having sex with a dog because she apparently had a severe allergic reaction to the dog's semen. Let this be a lesson to everyone out there to head to your allergist before engaging in buggery. Also, maybe you shouldn't be engaging in buggery.

But this got me thinking about the best bestiality songs. Sure, not all of these explicitly contemplate having intercourse with non-humans, but they don't have to. Here they are in no particular order.

1. "Animal (F**k Like a Beast)" by W.A.S.P.
"I come 'round, 'round I come feel your love (like an animal!)." The poster child of the PMRC's "Filthy Fifteen," I can see why this song would scare the shit out of Tipper Gore. This song has one of the greatest pre-chorus lines when Blackie Lawless screams "I fuck like a beast."

2. "Closer" by Nine Inch Nails

One of the creepiest lyrics of all time is "I want to fuck you like an animal / I want to feel you from the inside."

3. "Atomic Dog" by George Clinton

"Nothin' but the dog in me" can take on a very disturbing connotation.

4. "Cat Scratch Fever" by Ted Nugent
"I can make the pussy purr with the stroke of my hand." You know, come to think of it, I'm not so sure he was talking about a cat.

5. "Animal" by Def Leppard
"And I want / And I need / And I lust / Animal."

6 (tie). "Walkin' the Dog" by Rufus Thomas and "Do the Funky Chicken" by Rufus Thomas

"If you don't know how to do it / I'll show you how to walk the dog." I suppose. Also, doing any chicken would seem to be tough, especially a funky one.

7. "Mandy" by Barry Manilow

If it's about a dog, then the line "you kissed me and stopped me from shaking" is troubling.

8. "Givin' the Dog a Bone" by AC/DC

This one's pretty self-explanatory.

9. "Monkey" by George Michael

"Why do I have to share my baby with a monkey?" I don't have an answer to that question.

10. "Honey Bee" by Tom Petty

"I'm a man in a trance / I'm a boy in short pants / When I see my honey bee." The logistics of having sex with a bee would seem to outweigh any benefits. Then again, Tom Petty usually knows what he's talking about. I just hope he has an epi pen nearby.

Any songs I'm missing, freaks?

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Monday, July 11, 2011

Gargoyle and The Full Monty

Fair readers, you have spoken, and by a 67%-33% margin, you believe Appetite for Destruction by Guns N' Roses is a better album than Nevermind by Nirvana. I agree. Thank you for appeasing me.

On the third of July, I attended a social gathering. Several hours before drinking Night Train while listening to "Nightrain," I was talking to a couple friends, debating which nearby buildings we thought we could hit with a baseball. As is often the case, the conversation turned to defecation in the workplace. The Brothers Weeser* (minus Greg and Dan, expectedly), aka Creature, had two of the funnier stories I've heard about dumping in the company well.

The first happened several years ago when he worked at a very nice restaurant that has since retired. The men's room was a one-man operation. Creature opened the unfortunately unlocked door to see one of the servers sitting on the pot buck naked. His clothes and shoes were in a pile on the floor. The Full Monty. I found that odd, but not as odd as the other story he told.

The other one occurred more recently at a very nice restaurant where Creature currently works. The men's room there is also a one-man operation. One of Creature's co-workers opened the door and walked in on The Gargoyle. The man who was apparently pooping was perched on top of the toilet seat, squatting, with his arms outstretched, bracing himself with both walls. Presumably, he had taken off his pants and any undergarment, or else things not only would have been far too weird and gothic, but also very much covered in feces.

I think the moral of these stories -- other than stop being psycho -- is to lock the bathroom door.

All of this shit talk got me thinking about other comical positions that I'd like to hear about people walking in on, but never actually see myself:

The Karate Kid
The Raj

The Chuck Berry
The Parallel Bars
And last but not least, the most difficult and dangerous of them all, The Keg Stand

Sunday, July 10, 2011

Range Rovers Being Range Rovers

Unsurprisingly, the driver of a Range Rover got into an accident that killed a woman who had the gall to drive a Japanese compact car. He then apparently jumped out of his monstrosity of a vehicle and tried to run away, but was arrested. Presumably his linen pants, OluKai flip flops, and engorged sense of self-entitlement prevented him from making a swifter escape. Here are what I see as the possibilities for the cause of the accident:
(a) coked out of his mind
(b) texting while driving
(c) blew a stop sign because traffic laws don't apply to Range Rovers
(d) drunk off his ass after bottle service at Rockit
(e) admiring his Dolce & Gabbana sunglasses in the rearview mirror
(f) all of the above

Something tells me it's (f), although I'm sure whatever lawyer his father hires for him will disagree.

[UPDATE: Apparently, the Range Rover was stolen, and the perp was a 16-year-old who was drunk and high on weed and ecstacy, so I was only partially right.]

Thursday, July 07, 2011

Tuesday, July 05, 2011

Fourth of Hell

There will be no Tuesday Top Ten this week, as I have been tending to a sick kid and a wife with a case of the vapors. I have nothing of interest to tell you, other than that Sunday night I drank Nightrain for the first time -- while listening to "Nightrain." It was a watershed moment. Speaking of which, be sure to vote on whether you think Appetite for Destruction or Nevermind is a better album. The poll is on the sidebar. There is only one day left to vote. Don't go the rest of your life wishing you had voted in what will one day be remembered as the most important poll of the 21st Century.