Tuesday Top Ten: Favorite Pops

Whether you call it pop (which is the correct term), soda, soda pop, sody pop, or Coke, Chicago is no longer it's friend.  As you may have heard, Cook County -- the adorably fiscally irresponsible county home to over five million residents, including yours truly -- recently enacted a "sweetened beverage tax."   Now, with a few limited exceptions, whenever you buy a "sweetened" beverage -- whether sweetened with sugar or artificially -- you now pay one cent per ounce in tax (in addition to the 10+% sales tax you're already paying).  So, if you're buying a case of Diet Coke, that's an extra $2.88.  This is all supposedly for the kids.  You know, because an extra 20 cents is going to prevent a kid from buying a bottle of Mountain Dew.  Hell, even Gatorade and Propel are being taxed.  Does the Cook County Board not want us to replenish electrolytes while working out?  Now that seems irresponsible.

The worst side effect for me is that the 7-11 across the street has now removed unsweetened iced tea (which is not part of the tax) from its fountain drinks because it doesn't have a way to systematically distinguish in its cash register system what's in one Big Gulp versus what's in another.  So now the healthiest option on the tap has been eliminated.  I used to be able to walk in with a dollar, get a Big Gulp of iced tea, slap a dollar down, tell them to keep the two cents in change, and strut out like I was the cock of the walk (which I was).  Now, I either have to buy a fucking bottle of unsweetened iced tea (which is never quite as good as the fountain) for $1.89 or I have to pay $1.18 for a fountain Diet Mountain Dew.  This is a choice no one should have to face, not even Toni Preckwinkle.

As I enter the Post-Pop Era in Chicago, I fondly remember what it was like to drink pop without being taxed, something my children will never have the pleasure of experiencing.  With that, here are my ten favorite types of pop (in alphabetical order).  Some are specific brands, while others are general types.
  
1.  Cherry Coke
I remember when Cherry Coke was introduced in 1985.  My mom and I (and presumably my brother, because who leaves a 3-year-old at home unattended?) walked to the Circle K a few blocks away and bought a couple cans of Cherry Coke.  It was awesome then, and it's awesome now.

2.  Cream Soda
I am a huge fan of cream soda, although not when it has too much vanilla (looking your way, A&W).

3.  Diet Coke
At some point late in college, I realized that drinking regular Coke, Pepsi, and Dr. Pepper probably wasn't good for my waistline.  I stopped drinking coffee because it gave me the jitters and the shits, which is an unpleasant combination when trying to sit through a history lecture.  So I switched to Diet Coke, and never looked back.  Of course, McDonald's has the best Diet Coke.  That's just a fact.

4.  Diet Mountain Dew
I used to drink a good amount of regular Mountain Dew, but decided that wasn't good for me either (see Diet Coke, above), so I went with Diet Dew.  Even with the extra 20 cents tacked on, I'll still get a Big Gulp of this now and then, if I need a pick-me-up on a Saturday afternoon.

5.  Diet Vernor's Ginger Ale
Growing up, I would visit my grandparents in the Detroit area, where there was this insanely effervescent ginger ale called Vernor's.  I like regular Vernor's, but it's usually too bubbly.  Diet Vernor's, on the other hand, still has the gingery power of regular Vernor's, without the risk of making me cough up my drink.

6.  Dr. Pepper and Mr. Pibb
I don't know how any one dislikes Dr. Pepper and Mr. Pibb, even if the latter has changed its name to Pibb Xtra.

7.  Faygo Rock N' Rye
This is another holdover from my trips to Michigan as a kid.  It's kind of it's own beast, so I'm not sure exactly how to categorize it -- maybe a cherry cream soda.  Whatever it is, it's fantastic.

8.  Green River
Green River is a Chicago institution.  It's a Kelly green lime soda that I'm pretty sure you can only find in the Chicagoland area -- often on the fountain of a mom and pop hot dog stand or Italian beef spot.  The best part is that the CCR song and album of the same name were inspired by the pop.

9.  Orange Soda
I love a good orange soda, which I realize is redundant, whether it's Fanta, Crush, Sunkist, Slice, Jones, Jarritos, or generic.

10.  Root Beer
Root beer is another one of those pops that I find it impossible that anyone could dislike it.  I could drink root beer at any time, with or without ice cream.  There isn't any one particular brand of root beer that I prefer over others, but I'd say a list of brands I enjoy includes, in no particular order, Dad's, Mug, Barq's, Goose Island, IBC, Sprecher, and Faygo.

What about you fine folks?  Is there any kind of pop I should try, when outside the confines of the second-largest county in the country?

What is Photocopying Machine Anyway?

A co-worker sent this around a few days ago, and you may have seen it.  Apparently, a few years ago in Ohio, there was a lawsuit challenging a county recorder's office's decision to remove digital files and charge $2 a page for hard copies.  During the course of that case, the lawyer for the plaintiff deposed an IT administrator in the recorder's office, and the lawyer asked the IT guy about a "photocopying machine."  The resulting discussion is an example of why people hate lawyers, since the witness was obviously coached to be a giant dickhead.  But the best part is that some dude made a dramatization of the deposition into a short film, using the script verbatim.  Here it is.  It's pretty hilarious.

Kentucky Wins 9th National Title, According to One Idiot's Leg

The state of Kentucky basketball is somewhat in flux.  After a Final Four in 2011 and winning the NCAA title in 2012 (vacation of both pending, since John Calipari is incapable of taking a team to the Final Four without it later getting vacated), in 2013, the Wildcats lost in the first round.  Of the NIT.  At home.  To Robert Morris.  It was glorious, as Kentucky became the first school in history to win the NCAA Tournament one year and lose in the first round of the NIT the next.  

This year was supposed to be a return to the upper echelon for UK, with what was touted by many as the greatest recruiting class in the history of college basketball.  Kentucky was the preseason #1 in both polls, and some Kentucky fans even made "40-0" t-shirts and created 40-0 websites, believing that their Wildcats would run the table.  Then reality hit.  The Wildcats went undefeated all the way until November 12 (their 3rd game), and the Wildcats are now 22-9, having gone 12-6 in a very mediocre SEC.  They are projected as a 7-seed in the NCAA Tournament in the latest Bracketology.

In case you are somehow under the impression that Kentucky fans aren't, for lack of a better term, mentally retarded, let me introduce you to 22-year-old machinist (and Kentucky true believer) Tyler Austin Black.  Rather than just accept the fact that this year hasn't gone as planned for UK, Black went ahead and got a tattoo on his calf proclaiming the Kentucky will be the "2014 Nati9nal Champions."  The "9" is representative of how many national championships Kentucky would have if they win one this year.  

This sums up Big Blue Nation pretty well.  This guy -- who I think we can all assume did not go to the University of Kentucky -- is so absolutely delusional that he thought it would be a good idea to permanently brand himself with the mark of something that not only has not yet happened, but in all likelihood, will never happen.  There are literally more than 25 other teams who have a better chance at winning the national title than Kentucky this year.  

And when Kentucky loses (hopefully in the Round of 64), this guy will have to explain to his children (assuming he's not sterile) why he has a lie on his body forever.  Try telling your kids not to do something stupid after this one.  "I can't sleep over at my boyfriend's house?  This coming from the guy with the Kentucky 2014 national champions tattoo."  Way to think things out, Tyler.  Then again, that utter inability to think things out or accept reality is what makes you a Kentucky fan in the first place.

Awkward Pregnancy Photos

Call me old fashioned, but I don't think it's ever necessary to get professional photographs taken of a bare pregnant belly, unless you are posing for the cover of Vanity Fair.  Jester is currently carrying our third spawn, and, other than in relation to the pregnancy fetish sites that will put our kids through college, at no point during any of her three pregnancies has she said to me, "Honey, if there's one thing I think this pregnancy has been missing, it's that I just don't feel like people have been noticing my belly at all, so I'm just gonna go ahead and take my shirt off, paint my belly like a basketball, and I want you to pretend to dunk my belly, while Daugher and Lollipop pretend to play defense.  Each of you will be wearing basketball jerseys.  Yours will say "Daddy," and theirs will both say "Big Sister."  There will also be fake placenta on the ground.  And I want the woman who did the Griffins' wedding to take pictures.  Her photos had a really nice photojournalistic feel to them." 

It's not that I'm uncomfortable with pregnant bellies.  I'm quite comfortable with them, although I'm not one of those assholes who will just go up to a pregnant woman and rub her belly without asking.  I always ask.  But there are some people out there who are a little too comfortable with their or their spouse's pregnant bellies, such that they want to share their bellies with the world.  Chances are, you even have some Facebook friends who fall into this category.  I know I do.  "Hey Woody, congrats on the pregnancy.  I never would have know Kelly was pregnant if you guys hadn't posted a picture of her at eight months wearing nothing but a sports bra."  What is unfortunate for them is fortunate for the rest of us because it breeds things like this post entitled "The 50 Most Akward Pregnancy Photos Ever" (thanks to Gregerson for the link) and this other post entitled "50 More Extremely Awkward Pregnancy Photos."

On another note, here is a video of Jean-Claude Van Damme doing the best splits ever recorded.

Terrible Fans and Marty McKnight

In the last couple weeks, some good people have sent me some good links.

The first was sent to me by Tradd, and it provides you with 31 Reasons It's Perfectly Acceptable to Hate Notre Dame.  Only 31?

The second was also sent to me by Tradd, and it is part of a series on Out Kick the Coverage identifying the Ten Dumbest Fan Bases in America.  Number 3 is Ohio State fans.  (The top two spots have not yet been revealed, but Kentucky basketball fans have to be number one.)  Having lived in Dayton for nearly three years, I can tell you that this assessment is spot-on.  I kid you not, within a month of living in Dayton, a middle-aged co-worker (who did not go to Ohio State, mind you) and I engaged in the following conversation:
Her:  "Are you an Ohio State fan yet?"
Me:  "No, I went to Indiana."
Her:  "But you live in Ohio now."
Me:  "Yes, but I went to Indiana, another Big Ten school.  Also, I grew up in Illinois, but I'm not an Illinois fan."
Her:  "But you live in Ohio now."
This moronic mentality permeates that state.  It's exhausting.

The third was a blog article called Things Parents Hate: Caillou.  I don't think I've ever met a parent who likes Caillou -- a cartoon aimed at impressionable children age five and under.  I could write my own "Shit I Hate" about Caillou, but this article sums everything up perfectly.  That whiny little French-Canadian bastard is a cancer on the development of well-behaved toddlers.  Before watching him, Daughter didn't whine.  After watching him, she whines.  Because Caillou teaches children that whining is productive.  It has gotten to the point where I refuse to let my kids watch Caillou, and I outright tell them, "You can't watch Caillou because I hate Caillou."

And finally, The Weez sent me this sweet mash-up of the Knight Rider intro and Back to the Future.

Tuesday Top Ten: Things You Should Do to Get Blackhawks Stanley Cup Tickets

On the back of Patrick Kane's hat trick, the Blackhawks clinched a spot in the Stanley Cup finals with a win over the LA Kings Saturday night, setting up the first all-Original Six finals since 1979.  Game 1 is tomorrow night at 7 Central.  I was lucky enough to snag a single standing room only ticket when tickets went on sale, so needless to say, I'm pretty excited to be going to my first Stanley Cup game (or my first professional championship series game of any kind).

If you don't have a ticket, fear not.  You can get two for free.  You see, some d-bag on Craigslist is offering his tickets to Game 1 to the person who impresses him the most.  (Thanks to DBH for the link.)

Here's what the post says:

Hey Hawks fans, I have a pair of tickets for game 1 of the Stanley Cup Finals on Wednesday at the UC. Got them from a client at the investment firm where I work. I cant make the game and I can't sell the tickets without getting a potential fine from the SEC. Shitty, I know.

No offense, I make a ton of money anyway. Sorry.

Anybody want these tickets? No cost, just service or item needed. I am single guy living the life. Do you have enough creativity to take these tickets off my hands? Make a video, send me an offer to meet, whatever works. Do not be shy. Let me know ASAP. Best offer gets the tickets. And keep in mind, I go cage diving with sharks, I am not impressed easily.

Email me your offer.

It seems unlikely that this guy actually has tickets, but you have to respect his opportunistic attempt to take advantage of desperate Hawks fans, essentially asking chicks to send him videos of themselves naked or perhaps meet him and engage in sexual intercourse, before he said, "Not impressed enough.  Sorry, chief."

 

But it got me to thinking:  if this is legit, what should you do get this guy's tickets?  Here are my suggestions:

1.  Just go ahead and make a video showing him your boobs.  We're talking Stanley Cup tickets here.

2.  Make a video:  Two Girls and a Stanley Cup.

3.  Make a video of you cage diving with sharks with laser beams attached to their heads.

4.  Offer him a white buffalo.  When he shows up, say the white buffalo ran away, but then offer him a snow globe.  Everyone likes snow globes.

5.  Offer to meet him, make him show you the tickets, tell him that you can make him come with one touch.  His curiosity will be piqued, and he'll probably let his guard down a little.  That's when you kick him in the balls, take the tickets, and say, "Did I say come?  I meant explode your balls.  Zing!"  Then dance a little bit.  Then run.  The cops are probably on their way.

6.  Offer to meet him, make him show you the tickets, and then paint a life-size oil-on-canvas of him as a centaur banging a unicorn.

7.  Offer to meet him, make him show you the tickets, and then kill him.

8.  Offer to meet him, make him show you the tickets, and then do like fifty somersaults in a row.  Then kill him.

9.  Offer to meet him, make him show you the tickets, and then kill him.  Make a video of it, and send it to him.

 

10.  Make a video of you reporting him to the SEC.

Shit I Hate: People Who Don't Get Out of the Way When Train Doors Open

I ride the L to work every day, and while some people can't stand it, I really don't mind it.  It's faster than driving, and it gives me time to read literotica on my way to and from work.  I understand the train will be crowded during rush hour, and frankly, it would be an inefficient use of resources if it wasn't crowded. 

What infuriates me, however, are people who refuse to move out of the way to let people exit the train.  When you're standing near the door, it's common courtesy to get off the train and stand next to the door at each station.  This allows everyone who was not lucky enough to stand near the door to exit the train in a manner that doesn't involve pushing, swearing, and/or the near sodomization of your backpack because you won't move from the center of the entranceway.

"But I can just move to one side, and that will be fine."  No, dicknose, it won't be fine.  You know why?  Because people are coming from both sides.  Thus, when you move to one side, you block that side, which often causes you to do a side-to-side dance that alternately blocks people on both sides, causing an logjam, when you could have just stepped three fucking feet forward and stood next to the open doors while everyone flowed off in an orderly manner.

"But the only people that need to step out are the ones leaning against the doors.  No one else is in anyone's way."  I have a right mind to slap your fat face.  People are trying to get out from the aisles on both sides of the door and from the doorway on the opposite side of the train.  Thus, if you are standing anywhere within five feet of the doors, you are in the way.  Perhaps you don't notice people saying "excuse me" as they try to get around you and the apparent boulder that's three feet in diameter you have in your backpack, as you stand right at the end of the aisle, clinging to the pole as if letting go for five seconds will end your pathetic life.  Move.

"But how can I be expected to know that people are trying to get by me when I'm reading, listening to my iPod, or playing Words With Friends on my phone?"  Here's a trick I find helpful:  when the train stops, look up.  If there are people trying to get around you, get the fuck out of their way.  I find this works much better than pretending that, just because you have earbuds in and/or are reading this month's issue of The Economist, you have no idea you are on a crowded train.

 

"But how will I possibly get back on the train once I've gotten off?  I am so scared right now."  Once everyone has exited, you step back on the train.  I'll let you in on a little secret:  there has not been a single time that I have stepped off the train to let people off that I have not gotten back on the train.  On the other hand, I have seen situations where people can't get off the train and miss their stop because there is some ass clown blocking the end of the aisle, terrified that moving out of the way will force them to relinquish their coveted spot near the door.  You know what?  You're not always going to be able to have a spot right next to the door, and you will be extremely able to exit the train at your stop, even if you're a few feet further into the train.  Unless, of course, there is someone like you blocking the aisle.  It is then, when you are trying to get around the bizarro version of yourself –- giant backpack sticking out, Beats headphones blasting dance remixes of '80s sitcom theme songs, reading War and Peace in one hand while scrolling through Facebook on the phone with the other, stinking like a combination of cabbage and stale cigarette smoke -- that you will realize the error of your ways and, from that moment forward, you will exit the train to let people off.  Until then, I will hate you and probably give you an extra bump on my way out of the train.

Tuesday Top Ten: More Bad Tattoos

Guys, I have to apologize.  Yesterday, I got so caught up in watching the White Sox game, figuring out which of the dozens of pregnant women I know were birthing children, and heroin that I forgot to post a Tuesday Top Ten.  I'd like to say that it won't happen again, but pregnant Facebook posting is a hell of drug. 

In May 2010 and March of this year, I posted top ten lists of bad tattoos.  And then, last month, I posted about sloth tattoos, which is still a concept I have not totally come to grips with.  But the bottom line is that pictures of bad tattoos never get old.  Beauty, of course, is in the eye of the beholder, but the fact that there are so many bad tattoo lists should serve as a reminder to anyone considering a tattoo that they are, in fact, permanent (barring expensive and painful removal procedures).

Thanks to Allison for sending me a link to yet another slideshow of bad tattoos (18, in fact), which includes, but is not limited to:

#18 - A woman with a tattoo on her ARMPIT of a giant-headed baby inside a shark's mouth.

#16 - An overhead shot of a six-pack of beer on a NASCAR fan's beer belly.  "My girlfriend's always sayin' she wishes I had a six-pack, so I'm like, 'here you go, Darlene,'" he says any chance he can get, followed by a self-satisfied laugh that lasts a few seconds too long, followed by uncontrollable coughing due to a lifetime of smoking Winstons.

#14 - A giant tattoo of ALF on someone's quad, which I think is completely acceptable.  Just don't put a cat on the other leg!

#11 - Speaking of which, a cat looking back at you and whose asshole is a man's belly button.  This is fucking horrible.

#8 - Patrick Swayze's character from the SNL Chippendale's sketch as a centaur.  I think this one has been featured in several "bad tattoo" lists, rather than in its rightful place in the MOMA.

#7 - Two giraffes fucking on a man's stomach.  FOREVER.

#4 - A McDonald's arches tramp stamp.  2 all-beef curtains, special sauce, a pickle, and a bun, hold the lettuce, cheese, and onions, unless you're into that.

#1 - A "No Fear" tattoo and eyes on the back of a head.  I really hoped this guy can grow hair or is comfortable with wearing a wig for the rest of his life.

As if that's not enough fun, there was another slideshow linked from that article that features 16 eyelid tattoos.  Ever since seeing that hotel manager in Stuck On You make use of painted eyes on his eyelids (so that it looks like he's away when, in fact, he is sleeping), I have been intrigued by the possibilities that eyelid tattoos might hold.  Thanks to this slideshow, I am good.  Numbers 16, 13, and 8 are particularly awesome.  #4 is my new hero.

Sloth Tattoos. Yes, Sloth Tattoos.

If there is one animal everyone should be putting on his or her body forever, it's the sloth.  Despite the facetious nature of the previous statement, there are apparently people who agree with that statement –- at least 23, in fact.  My lovely wife and master of sleight of hand, Jesterio the Magnificent, sent me this link to a post entitled "23 Of The Best Sloth Tattoos of All Time."  She was laughing so hard she was crying when looking at this.  I think the best part is that the sloth's (or at least the tattooed sloth's) logo is "Live slow.  Die whenever."  I also think some of these might be Ewoks.  Not sure if that's better.  Enjoy.

Tuesday Top Ten: Bad Tattoos

If you ever need to put a smile on your face, there is nothing like a gallery of bad tattoos. Here is a link to not ten, not twenty, but thirty pictures of bad tattoos.  Thanks to RDC for the link.  Sure, I may have "enter only" inked on my ass, corn snake markings covering my dong, and Wayne and Garth on my feet, but some of these are literally unbelievable.  

Unless you're name is Mike Tyson or you are trying to transform yourself into like a man-lizard, there is no circumstance under which it is reasonable to get a face tattoo, much less one pledging your allegiance to a brand of coffee cake (#2), one with an ice cream cone shooting lightning (#3), several Monster energy drink tattoos on the same face (#7), a recently raped alien cradling your eye (#9), Hello Kitty (#20 - on the bright side, he can bring deer back to life with the mere touch of his hand), a mustache that says "Family Tradition" (#21 - I'd just like to go ahead and thank every member of my family that we like to have a couple drinks rather than doing something that will prevent ourselves from obtaining any gainful employment), eyebrows? (#22), everyone's nightmare (#23), and dolphin eyebrows? (#27)

For #10, not cool, guys.

#15 is cut off, but it appears to be a "Thug Life" tattoo across the bottom of someone's toes, with weird cartoon faces on the big toes.  I'm pretty sure this is just drawn on, not tattooed.  In fact, for the sake of this person's mother, I pray to God (or any god) that it is just drawn on.

#19 is particularly awesome, especially considering the message would be unnecessary if it was not there.

I laughed out loud when I saw #25.  I hope that person's last name is Mayer.

#29 is something White Goodman would have on his wall, or something that would be featured at the Creationism Museum.

And #30 is an interesting concept.  I wish I would have thought of that back in '88 when I went to my first concert.  If I had kept it up for every show, well, there would be no white space remaining on my body.

Retro Video of the Week: "Liar" by Henry Rollins

I insincerely apologize for not posting a Tuesday Top Ten last night.  I was busy playing trivia and watching by beloved Hoosiers shit the bed against a remarkably unattractive Wisconsin team.  

Anyway, in honor of the revelation that Manti Te'o's dead girlfriend was never alive in the first place (thanks to Trashton and RobD for sending me the link), I figured that "Liar" by Henry Rollins was an appropriate Retro Video of the Week.  Seriously, though, what the fuck?  Te'o has always been made out to be this wholesome, stand-up guy, but this whole thing has to make NFL GMs uneasy, since he is clearly a fraud.  This guy (with the help of a friend, apparently) made up a girl and made up her back story, including her death, which conveniently happened the same day as his grandma's real death and provided plenty of heart-string-pulling fodder for media types.  Te'o was lionized because of this double tragedy and had the balls to mention his fake girlfriend after his 2-interception game in Notre Dame's win over Michigan a week after she apparently died.  Of course, in response to the Deadspin article exposing this hoax, Te'o and Notre Dame have now both claimed that Te'o was the victim of a hoax.  Te'o claims he met her online and that they had a relationship online and on the phone.  I'm not buying it at all.  There was an entire back story that the media was reporting about how Te'o and this girl met in 2009, how she visited him in Hawai'i (where he is from) in 2010 and 2011, and how they talked on the phone nightly throughout 2012 (before her fake death).  Given that she didn't exist and, according to Te'o, their relationship was only online and on the phone, you would think he would have corrected those reports about them meeting in person.  You would also think that, if they spoke nightly, there would have been some point when he figured that something was fishy.  Perhaps he should offer up his phone records to support his claim that he was the victim of the hoax.  Of course, he conveniently didn't go to her funeral (which was in a city in California that doesn't exist) because she insisted that he not miss any games.  He also referred to her sister (who also didn't exist) on Twitter as "the realist person I know."  The icing on the cake, for me, is that the apparent mastermind of the hoax is one of Te'o's friends, who was on the field for the USC/Notre Dame game and apparently hung out with Te'o after the game.  So what Manti Te'o and Notre Dame are asking us to believe is that, despite all the holes in the story and Te'o's connection to the alleged hoax perpetrator, Te'o had no idea this girl he met several times (if you believe the many media accounts of their relationship) or never met (if you believe Te'o's version) did not exist.  There is no way he wasn't in on it.  With that, here is a song by Henry Rollins:

Yet Another Reason You Shouldn't Rush the Court

In the past, I have posted my rules for rushing the court after a college basketball game.  As you may know, after NC State beat #1 Duke on Saturday, the NC State students rushed the court.  Technically, this was not against my rules.  However, this happened:


Yes, that is a kid being pushed in a wheelchair leading the court rushing, before falling out of his wheelchair in the middle of the crowd.  Thankfully, he was okay, thanks to NC State star CJ Leslie.  But Jesus, he could have gotten really hurt.  Well, from the waist up anyway.

Ping Pong Paul Party

I'm going to be returning videotapes until Wednesday, so you'll need some things to keep you busy.  I will provide you with those things.

First, some dickhole state representative in Texas made the bold -- and highly unsupported -- comment that ping pongs are deadlier than guns.  Needless to say, I will now be carrying a ping pong paddle and a high-capacity ping pong ball bag wherever I go, to protect myself from the impending rash of mass ping ponging.

Second, check out this link with the 25 funniest autocorrects of the year (thanks to Gregerson for the link).  I was laughing out loud at some of these.  The beauty about autocorrect is that uncommon words that are autocorrected are usually words that the person has typed several times before.  For instance, when I type "motorh," it autocorrects to "Motörhead," umlauts included, since I typed that a few times.  Keep that in mind with some of the words that were autocorrected.

Third, click here to see a clip from A Very Special Christmas Party, a 1988 holiday special starring Arnold Schwarzenegger, Mike Tyson, Danny DeVito, some other celebs, an old lady who bowls, and a bunch of mentally disabled children.  First, there's some awkward conversation where a man who was eventually elected Governor of California tells kids that, in Austria, the devil came on Christmas to scold you about getting bad grades.  Then everyone breaks into song.  It's a lot like most people's Christmases in the '80s.  Thanks to Bonham for the link.  If you don't want to bother clicking on the link for background on the Very Special Christmas Party.


Fourth, you may be aware that, at the 12/12/12 Sandy Relief concert, Paul McCartney fronted what's left of Nirvana on a new track called "Cut Me Some Slack" that will be on the soundtrack of Dave Grohl's as-yet-unreleased documentary on Sound City Studios.  They also performed it on Saturday Night Live last week.  Click here to check out the clip of the SNL performance.  It's pretty badass.  Sir Paul still has it.  Krist Novoselic pulls off a renaissance hobo meets Garth Hudson look quite well.  Thanks to Bonham for this link, too.

Fifth, Merry Christmas, Happy Kwanzaa, and Happy Boxing Day.  I hope the devil doesn't visit you and give you shit about anything.

PU, Indeed

I've always believed Purdue University sucks ass.  In the past few years, there has been mounting evidence to suggest that, not only am I right, but Purdue also has a fascination with that which the ass pushes out.  That's right, Purdue has acute fecalphelia.  First, there was the story about how Purdue students sniff manure for $30.  Second, there was the story about how West Lafayette -- the kind of fetid, post-apocalyptic wasteland not even Cormac McCarthy would put in his novels -- bought a giant fan to ward off the stench of human waste, presumably coming from the only university in town with an animal husbandry emphasis.  

What's that idiom?  One is an example, two is a coincidence, but three is a trend?  Well now, there is a wonderfully strange and hilarious story involving a Purdue grad named Gregg Greaves who was, presumably until recently, gainfully employed at Pepsi, presumably as an engineer of some sort (since that's what these mongrels generally are).  If the accounts of eyewitnesses can be believed, Mr. Greaves was in the bathroom at a Purdue bar here in Chicago called Red Ivy (which sucks, by the way) when he broke a beer bottle and attacked a fellow patron, stabbing the guy in the neck a few times.  That's when things took a turn for the bizarre.  He was arrested and then taken to jail, where he refused to wear pants and then shit in his own hands and threw it on the floor.  Here are links to the Chicago Tribune and Busted Coverage articles about the incident (thanks to Pissed Off for the links).  The best part is that Mr. Greaves's lawyer had the balls to say, "All I've got to tell you is there's two sides to it."  Perhaps he meant "number two," with a wink and a nod.

German in Speedo Jumping Onto Frozen Pool

The title says it all.  Click here to watch and laugh.  Thanks to Tradd for the link and for pointing out that it is immeasurably better because everyone is speaking German.

Tuesday Top Ten: Most Death-Defying Stunts

I had planned out an elaborate Tuesday Top Ten, full of twists, turns, and even a little ribaldry, but then I came across this article that lists the top ten most death-defying stunts.  This is just too damn timely to pass up, in light of Felix Baumgartner's leap from 128,000 feet Saturday.  I watched it live, thinking the entire time that was the dumbest and most insane thing I've ever seen a human being do –- and I was in a fraternity, for Christ's sake.  All's well that ends well, though, since Baumgartner didn't plummet to his death, pass out, or explode with millions of people watching.  (Click here to see a recap of the jump and click here to watch the full jump.)  The list compiled in the article is a pretty good one, with a Wallenda, a couple Knievals, and a Houdini (the guy, not the sex move).  

Random Things To Keep You Busy in My Absence

I'll be returning videotapes until John Lennon's birthday, so I will be unable to post anything during that time.  It would figuratively kill me (literally) if I were to leave you without anything to do during that time, so here are some links to enjoy. 

1.  First and foremost, in these pre-election times, it's important to let everyone know who you are and that you vote.  Go to And I Vote Stickers to buy any variety of bumper stickers (and a couple t-shirts) with ". . . and I vote" phrases, ranging from the mundane ("I'm a Republican and I vote") to the awesome ("I love metal and I vote") to the nonsensical ("I'm pro-histamine and I vote").

2.  While I am gone, I encourage you to take up knitting or kite surfing.  I do not, however, encourage you to take up butt chugging.  (Thanks, I guess, to Adam for the link).

3.  If you want to see how gullible and sheltered people can be, check out Literally Unbelievable, which posts interpretation of Onion articles from Facebook, Twitter, and media outlets.  The responses are hilarious.  It is literally unbelievable that people don't know The Onion is fake, especially when the stories are things like "Media Having Trouble Finding Right Angle on Obama's Double-Homicide" or "Newborn Loses Faith in Humanity After Record 6 Days."  (Thanks to RDC for the link.)

4.  If you want to see what the most standoffish and disinterested quarterback in the National Football League would look like if he had cigarettes in his mouth, check out Smoking Jay Cutler.  (Thanks to Weez for the link.)

5.  Here's a good article from Grantland about The Darkness and Andrew W.K., both of whom I had the pleasure of seeing in concert this year.  Frankly, I never thought either has ever tried to be ironic in their music.  (Thanks to DBH for the link.)

6.  Mr. Belding is apparently now a professional wrestler, presumably named Beldo.  (Thanks to Allison for the link.)  I wonder if Nedick still needs someone his own size to pick on.

7.  Sketch comedy team Urlakis & Cusick is back this fall with another show at Stage 773 called Questionable Lullabies.  I saw their previous show last December, and it was hilarious.  As I mentioned then, I know Sean Cusick from Second City, and he is not only very funny, but really has a nose for good sketch comedy.  The show is at 8 p.m. on Fridays, October 12 through November 16, at Stage 773 (1225 W. Belmont in Chicago). Tickets are $15 and available online at Stage773.com or by calling 773-237-5252.  I will definitely be going at some point.

8.  An awesome article breaking down the second greatest music video of all-time, "November Rain" by Guns N' Roses (thanks to Weez for the link).  In case it wasn't obvious, "Take On Me" by a-ha is the greatest.

9.  Here is a link to an article on theCHIVE with 28 random facts.

10.  Here is this week's Retro Video of the Week, "Back to the Hotel" by N2Deep, per the request of Tron.

11.  Here is next week's Retro Video of the Week, "Rhythm of the Night" by DeBarge.  I implore you to dislike this song.  You cannot.

Tuesday Top Ten: Ridiculousness Top Ten Supershow

I completely forgot to write a Tuesday Top Ten this week, but I was watching some DVR'd episodes of Ridiculousness and laughing my ass off, as I tend to do when watching Ridiculousness, and I was reminded that they just had what they deemed their Top 10 Supershow.  In it, Rob counts down his ten favorite categories of clips from the annals of Ridiculousness.  It's embedded below or you can click here to watch it on MTV's website.  Enjoy.

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Ridiculousness, Full Episodes

HIPSTER

Vanity license plates are often nothing more than a chance for people to embarrass themselves.  Sure, they can sometimes be witty, like the one I once saw in Road & Track magazine -- T1HS ON –- which, when read in a rearview mirror, offers hilarity and vulgarity, two things I like.  Most of the time, however, vanity plates are horrible, ranging from the vain ("YALE JD") to the geeky ("TWITTER" –- I saw that one on a minivan) to the douchy ("TEDS BMW") to the confusing ("UNICORN") to the 90210 ("I8A4RE").

Thanks to cheap vanity plate costs, Illinois is plagued by these awful things.  Here is one I saw the other day:

I seriously shook my head when I saw this.  What moron thought that would be a good idea to put "HIPSTER" on his license plate?  I immediately came to the conclusion that the person who drives this car cannot actually be a hipster.  Here's why:

1.  Hipsters do not drive tricked-out Jeep Cherokees, not even ironically.  Had this been a ten-speed from 1985 with Fugazi sticker on the frame and a splash guard over the back tire, then I might believe a hipster owned it, except for the fact that . . .

2.  Hipsters, like douchebags, are usually not self-aware.  If you ask a guy with horn-rimmed glasses, ear gauges, black skinny jeans, low-top Chucks, a retro Schlitz t-shirt covered by an unsnapped Urban Cowboy style patterned shirt, a terrible mustache, and an unacceptable haircut if he is a hipster, he will most likely say no.  Because he has no idea he's a hipster.

3.  This car was seen in Lincoln Park, a neighborhood hipsters generally avoid like it's a 40-hour-a-week job.

So, if it's not an actual hipster who has this license plate, then it has to be someone who thinks he is so hip that he should project that hipness onto the world through his license plate.  I think that actually might be worse.

So Is This Enough Yet?

As you may have noticed, I try to keep things relatively light-hearted on this here blog, but every now and then humanity causes me to break the mold and get serious.  This is a long post, but I had to write it.

Back in 2008, in the wake of the mass shooting at Northern Illinois University and several others around that same time, I posted my thoughts on the banning of hand guns and assault rifles.  In the wake of last week's mass shooting of over 70 people by James Holmes at an Aurora, Colorado movie theater, I felt compelled to revisit this issue.  I've now had a few days to marinate on the subject and read more articles about Holmes and other mass shooters, and hopefully this post will read better than the original, profanity-laced draft I wrote Friday.

I tried not to regurgitate everything I wrote four years ago because my feelings on the issue haven't changed.  Read that post in conjunction with this one if you want my full thoughts on the issue.  The goal with this post is to expand what I previously wrote.

Whenever a mass shooting happens, I can't help but be disturbed.  For some reason, it consumes my thoughts.  All I can think about is that this could happen anywhere in this country, and that there is nothing to prevent it.  And that pisses me off.  Every time something like this happens, I'm going to get even more outraged, and I'm going to write about it.  If my views piss you off, I welcome well-reasoned debate and your proposed solutions on how to prevent this from happening again.  But I can't be silent when things like this happen, and I've never heard a good pro-gun argument about how to prevent mass shootings.

One of things that disturbed me most about the Northern Illinois massacre is that the gunman obtained all of his guns legally.  The same is true of Holmes and the weapons he used, which included an assault rifle (I've seen conflicting reports about whether it was an AR-15 or a Smith & Wesson assault rifle that is very similar to an AR-15) and two .40 caliber Glock hand guns, not to mention the high-capacity magazines for the assault rifle so he didn't have to reload.  The same was true about the Virginia Tech killer, Michael McLandon (who killed 10 people in Alabama in 2009 with assault rifles and hand guns), Nidal Malik Hasan (the Army Major who killed 13 and injured another 29 at Fort Hood with a semi-automatic hand gun), and other mass shooters.  There was nothing to stop any of these people from obtaining what they used to kill and injure hundreds of people.

Something has to be done.  As a society, we can't continue to let this type of thing happen.  Doing nothing ISN'T WORKING.  In the words of Colorado State Senator John Morse, "As long as we let people buy these guns, we will bury our children."

Holmes was by all accounts a pretty normal guy, although somewhat shy.  He is apparently very intelligent and seemed to have a lot going for him.  But something obviously went wrong.  For months, he has been stockpiling weapons and ammunition while planning his attack, although at this point, there is no known motive.

The profile of a mass shooter is generally a loner, but not necessarily someone who has been in a mental institution, who has exhibited violent tendencies, or who has been convicted of a felony.  A mass killer usually has two motivations that drive the mass killing:  power and fame.

Often a mass killer seeks to exert power over his victims as a result of some feeling of lack of control over other things in his life, be it work, relationships, school, or something else.  That drives the mass killer to seek to control his victims.  He wants to see the look of terror on his victim's faces because it shows him that, for once, he has the upper hand, and there's nothing anyone can do to stop it.  That's why the mass killer often uses guns, and not bombs or explosives.  This also plays into the fame motivation.  A bombing or arson is usually anonymous.  A mass shooting is anything but.  The typical mass shooter expects to kill himself, be killed by law enforcement, or surrender, but no matter what, his face is going to be on the front page of every paper in the country and he is going to get a Wikipedia page.  He now matters.  Assault rifles and hand guns allow the mass killer to achieve his goals.

No matter what side of the gun control debate you are on, I think both sides can agree that there is a problem in this country.  One article I read detailed 28 mass shootings in the U.S. since Columbine, resulting in over 200 dead and at least an additional 160 injured.  Most of those were perpetrated with assault rifles and/or hand guns.  Over the last seven years, the U.S. has averaged 20 mass shootings a year.  (For a long, but non-comprehensive list of mass shootings since 2005, click here.  It's 62 pages long.  That seems to indicate there's a problem.)

I still stand by my argument from 2008 that assault rifles and hand guns should be banned.  I don't think any rational person can seriously argue that assault rifles or hand guns are necessary for citizens to possess.  There are the fringes, like militia men or people who are convinced we are constantly under threat of attack from any variety of sources, but I don't consider those people to be rational.  This is not to say that there aren't rational people who believe people SHOULD be able to possess assault rifles or hand guns.  Of course, their basis is the Second Amendment.  Frankly, that's the only justification why people should be able to own these types of weapons -– not that I think it's a good reason.

There is absolutely no reason anyone needs to own an AK-47 or an AR-15.  This is not what our founders envisioned.  The Second Amendment states, "A well regulated militia being necessary to the security of a free state, the right of the people to keep and bear arms shall not be infringed."  It doesn't say we have the right to own any and every type of weapon.  I can't own a rocket launcher or a missile, which are technically "arms."  Rocket launchers and missiles are made to destroy lives (and buildings).  Assault rifles and hand guns are made to destroy lives.  Their sole purpose is to kill human beings.  When you allow people to own assault rifles and hand guns, you are sanctioning murder.  There is no way around that.

The Second Amendment was written in a time when you could fire a single shot from a rifle or a musket.  You then had to reload it and put gun powder in it before you could shoot again.  If you were good, you might be able to fire two shots in 20-30 seconds.  That is the concept of "arms" that the Constitution contemplates.  It does not contemplate a weapon that could fire over 400 rounds per minute, like the AR-15.

When the Second Amendment was written, there was a very real threat of attack on the U.S. or U.S. citizens by Great Britain or Native Americans, and we didn't have the organized military that we have today.  Someone in the middle of nowhere in upstate New York, with no neighbors for miles, needed a gun to protect his homestead from potential attacks.  This is not an issue anymore.  The King of England isn't sending troops to America to try to take us back, and I haven't heard of any Sioux uprisings in several score.  Even if these were modern-day issues, we have a very capable organized military with several branches that can ward off attacks more effectively than Jim Bob and the AK-47 he bought without a background check at last week's gun show at the Tuscaloosa Convention Center.  I'm also not concerned that a military junta will rise to power, being that we're a constitutional republic and all.

I'd also like to poke some holes in some of the common guns rights arguments.

Some people may argue that a mass shooting shows why there should be fewer restrictions on gun ownership.  The argument goes something like this:  if everyone carried guns, there would be no gun violence.  Yes, because the way to reduce gun-related deaths is by increasing the number of guns.  All this would do is increase accidental shootings and collateral fatalities.  A "good Samaritan" trying to "protect" someone else can just as easily kill an innocent bystander with an errant bullet as he or she can steady his or her hand enough to hit the bad guy.  This argument also assumes that everyone will own or carry guns.  I'm telling you right now, I will never own a hand gun.  Thus, I will never carry a hand gun.  Thus, I will never be carrying a hand gun if I or someone else gets held up.  And I can't remember ever reading a story where a criminal was robbing someone, and someone with a TEC-9 jumped in to save the day and shoot the robber.  I do, however, remember the story where someone with a TEC-9 shot dozens of his helpless classmates.

Another argument I hear a lot from gun rights people is that the focus should be on the individual who commits the crime, not the instrument used by the individual to commit the crime.  That is, this was a disturbed individual, so don't blame the gun, but rather punish the person.  That's a reactive argument, not a proactive solution.  You don't wait until someone buys 6,000 rounds and an AR-15 and then shoots 70 people to punish him (if he is even alive).  You prevent that from happening if you take away the ability to legally purchase an AR-15.  If that means law-abiding gun owners can't have their play time at the shooting range, I really don't care.  Suck it up for the common good.

Another argument I hear is that there will always be crazy people (whether that means someone who is mentally ill or someone who is just evil), and you can't stop crazy people from doing crazy things.  I can't stand that argument.  It's defeatist and it doesn't solve anything.  First of all, not every mass shooter is insane or mentally ill.  Sure, they are all disturbed in some way,  but that doesn't mean they are legally insane, which generally means you have the inability to form intent to kill or that you cannot distinguish right from wrong.  To me, the fact that there will always be people who want to inflict harm on many other people makes an even more compelling argument for gun control.  If someone who is malevolent or even mentally ill can pass a background check and get a gun that fires 400 rounds per minute, then that is a major flaw in the system.  I don't accept the argument that, because bad people or insane people are going to do bad things anyway, we shouldn't restrict their ability to obtain the very destructive tools that make it much easier for them to do those bad things.  Moreover, while there are some restrictions on the mentally ill obtaining guns, mental illness is not always diagnosed.  And someone who snaps isn't necessarily going to be diagnosed before he buys the guns he will use to kill a bunch of innocent people.  Look at James Holmes.  Outwardly, he showed no signs of wanting to shoot 70 people, but he was planning his massacre for months.  If you can't always tell if someone is crazy or evil, then we shouldn't them unfettered access to weapons that can kill dozens of people with one pull of the trigger.

Another classic counterargument to any form of gun control is that criminals will find ways to get around these laws.  That's one of the dumbest arguments I've ever heard.  Yes, of course that's true.  By definition, a criminal is someone who breaks a law.  This is why we have the criminal justice system and laws.  Just because there are companies that lie to investors doesn't mean securities fraud laws should be thrown out the window.  Yes, if someone really wants to buy an AK-47, he or she will probably find a way to buy it, even if it's illegal.  But that's not a good reason to let everyone buy AK-47s. 

I also don't buy the argument that, if you ban assault rifles, then only the criminals will have assault rifles.  For the most part, it's only the criminals who have assault rifles anyway, so you may as well make it illegal to own them.  And the "criminals" that I assume the pro-gun people are referring to are people involved in the drug trade, gangs, or low-level thuggery, but these aren't the people who commit mass shootings.  People don't use AK-47s to hold up gas stations or mug tourists; they use AK-47s to kill many people at once.  The hope is that, by making high-powered weapons illegal, someone who obtains that weapon will get arrested for having an illegal weapon BEFORE they get the chance to slaughter a bunch of innocent people.

Look, I'm not naïve enough to believe that anything is going to prevent all gun-related crime, mass shootings, or certain people from obtaining illegal weapons, but we should still do something to prevent as much as we can.  The concept of gun control is just that –- control over the avenues by which people can obtain high-powered weapons, with the goal of minimizing gun-related deaths and injuries.  If banning assault rifles or hand guns saves one life, then it's worth it. 

Short of the repeal of the Second Amendment, which I think is unlikely, here are some potential solutions to prevent gun violence and mass shootings.  Some of these can be combined, while some are probably mutually exclusive.

1.  Outright ban of possession and manufacture of assault rifles and hand guns.  This would be the ideal solution, in my opinion.  The tricky part is defining the weapons in such a way that gun manufacturers can't try to get around it, like they did during the federal assault weapon ban from 1994 to 2004.  My suggestion would be to tie the definition of a banned weapon to the number of rounds it is capable of firing in one minute.  If you get caught possessing one of these weapons, you get an automatic $50,000 fine per weapon, plus jail time.

2.  Ban magazines and cartidges that hold more than a certain number of bullets.  This was something that was in place during the federal assault weapon ban, and it seems to make pretty good sense.  No one outside of the military needs to fire 100 rounds at once.  No one.

3.  You can only buy one gun per year or a certain number of bullets per year.  Obviously, this would require some sort of tracking system or registry, but that can be part of the background check process.  Exceptions could be made for shooting ranges.  For instance, you can shoot as many rounds as you want at a shooting range.

4. The government (federal and/or states) should start taxing the hell out of guns and bullets.  We have no problem taxing tobacco, which kills people.  Why don't we do the same thing with guns and bullets, which also kill people?  To paraphrase Chris Rock in one of his stand-up specials, if bullets cost a lot of money, people are going to be a lot more cautious about who they shoot or how many bullets they shoot.

5.  Background checks for everyone at any place with every gun purchase.  It's ridiculous that the same person who can't buy a gun from a store can walk into a gun show and walk out with an arsenal big enough to kill a small country.  I can't think of a rational reason to make obtaining a gun easier if you go to one location over another to buy it.

6.  Ban internet sales of guns, gun accessories, and bullets.  Make the gun-buying process face-to-face, not anonymous.  If I'm less likely to buy a CD in a store than online, you can bet people are going to be less likely to buy a gun in a store than online.  Also, this gives gun store workers the chance to let law enforcement know if something is amiss, and it would prevent people like James Holmes from stockpiling ammunition from various internet sources.

7.  Everyone has to have a license to buy, own, or carry a gun, and in order to get that license, you must pass a gun safety course and a psychological test.  People who don't know how to use guns shouldn't be allowed to use guns.  Likewise, people who are mentally ill should not be allowed to use guns.  Other countries have these requirements, and some states do (at least with respect to a gun safety course to get a concealed carry permit).  It seems like a pretty reasonable requirement.  A license would only good for one year, and each year you would have to pass a gun safety course and a psychological test.  If you fail, you must surrender your guns.  If you are caught possessing a gun without a license, you face fines, jail time, and you are permanently banned from obtaining a license.

8.  If assault rifles or hand guns are not banned outright, there should be severe restrictions on ownership, whether that is a psychological exam, gun safety test, or that they can only be used and kept at shooting ranges.

9.  Cash for guns.  The Chicago Police Department has done this several times over the last few years, and it's usually pretty successful.  Essentially, they have a day or two where anyone can bring in a hand gun, assault rifle, or any other type of gun and receive cash for it, no questions asked (except, of course, if it was used in connection with a crime).  Obviously, it doesn't get rid of all of the guns, but it at least minimizes the number of guns.  Yes, I realize that, in this economy, things like this are probably hard for cities to afford to do, but the point of this is to save lives not money.

The time has come for America to grow up as a country.  We don't live in the Wild West.  As long as lawmakers pander to the NRA and its "from my cold dead hands" attitude, we will see more and more or our citizens murdered because some antiquated notion of self-defense is more important than keeping innocent people alive.  It's time for solutions, not laissez faire.  What we have in place isn't working.  These people were just watching a movie.  Maybe most of the ardent pro-gun people can easily divorce themselves from the reality of what happened because it hasn't happened to them or because it's on TV.  But I can't do that.  All I can think about is the horror these people must have felt as a stranger indiscriminately stalked the aisles with a high-powered gun and hundreds of bullets that they had no chance of avoiding.  Now there are people who no longer have mothers, fathers, brothers, sisters, or children just because they went to watch a movie on a Thursday night.  I've said it before, and I will say it every time something tragic like this happens:  how many more mass shootings do there need to be before we as a society or a country say enough is enough?  Sadly, I'm guessing the answer is more than zero.